If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.   12-Jack Handy
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.   12-Jack Handy
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.   12-Jack Handy
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down."     He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.   12-Jack Handy
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."   12-Jack Handy
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.   12-Jack Handy
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.   12-Jack Handy
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.   12-Jack Handy
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.   12-Jack Handy
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.   12-Jack Handy
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.   12-Jack Handy
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."   12-Jack Handy
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"   12-Jack Handy
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.   12-Jack Handy
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.   12-Jack Handy
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.   12-Jack Handy
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.   12-Jack Handy
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.   12-Jack Handy
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.   12-Jack Handy
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.   12-Jack Handy
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.   12-Jack Handy
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.   12-Jack Handy
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.   12-Jack Handy
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.   12-Jack Handy
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.   12-Jack Handy
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who made people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.   12-Jack Handy
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You."  12-Jack Handy
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.   12-Jack Handy
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?   12-Jack Handy
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."   12-Jack Handy
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see. 12-Jack Handy
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.   12-Jack Handy
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.   12-Jack Handy
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.   12-Jack Handy
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.   12-Jack Handy
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.   12-Jack Handy
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.   12-Jack Handy
I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks.   12-Jack Handy
I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."   12-Jack Handy
Blow ye winds, Like the trumpet blows; But without that noise.   12-Jack Handy
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."   12-Jack Handy
I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.   12-Jack Handy
If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.   12-Jack Handy
I think man invented the car by instinct.   12-Jack Handy
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.  12-Jack Handy
I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."   12-Jack Handy
I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!   12-Jack Handy
I think it's high time we started questioning the old cliches like "Grunt big for Daddy."   12-Jack Handy
Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program!   12-Jack Handy
Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar.   12-Jack Handy
Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.   12-Jack Handy
Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.   12-Jack Handy
The prince decided he would learn anger. So he gathered his subjects together outside his balcony. "Who would teach me anger?" he said. "Fuck you!" somebody yelled. "Okay, how about algebra?" said the prince. 12-Jack Handy
I read that when the archaeologists dug down into the ancient cemetery, they found fragments of *human bones*! What kind of barbarians were these people, anyway?   12-Jack Handy
I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe in a God with a long white beard, a gold crown, and a long robe with lots of shiny jewels on it. He sits on a big throne in the clouds, and He's about five hundred feet tall. He talks in a real deep voice like "I...AM...GOD!" He can blow up stuff just by looking at it. This is my own, personal idea of God.
Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up. 12-Jack Handy
Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?" 12-Jack Handy
I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins. 12-Jack Handy
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. 12-Jack Handy
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake. 12-Jack Handy
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons." 12-Jack Handy
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. 12-Jack Handy
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic 12-Jack Handy
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose 12-Jack Handy
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way 12-Jack Handy
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it 12-Jack Handy
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea, but it's just eggs hatching 12-Jack Handy
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books 12-Jack Handy
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner." 12-Jack Handy
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns 12-Jack Handy
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door 12-Jack Handy
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? 12-Jack Handy
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff 12-Jack Handy
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?  12-Jack Handy
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."  12-Jack Handy