A repeat, but worth it.
>  Chili Cook-Off
> > If you can read this whole story without laughing, then
> there's no hope for you. This is an actual account as relayed to
> paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.
>
>
> Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
> attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even
> better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true
> this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween
> comes around.  It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
> Antonio City Park.
>
>
>
> Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank,
> who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge
> at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
> moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table,
> asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
> assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
> be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
> during the  tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."
>
> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
> CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI... Judge # 1 -- A
> little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth
> tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
> Judge # 3  (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
> could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> flames out. I  hope  that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
>
> CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI... Judge # 1 --
> Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # > 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
> Judge #  3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
> what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
> people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
> beer when they saw the look on my face.
>
> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit
> salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a
> uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
> knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me
> on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
> shit faced from all of the beer.
>
> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC... Judge # 1 -- Black
> bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime
> in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not
> much of a chili.
>  Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
> unable to  taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,
> the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman
> is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
> Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
> CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER... Judge # 1 -- Meaty,
> strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.
> Very impressive.  Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
> tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> Judge # 3 --  My ears are  ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and can no
> longer focus my eyes.  I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics.
> The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given
> me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
> directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It
> really ticks me off  that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw
> them.
>
> CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY... Judge # 1
> -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and
> peppers. Judge #  2 --  The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, o nions, and
> garlic. Superb.  Judge  # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
> gaseous,  sulfuric  flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm
> worried it will eat  through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind
> me except  that  Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
> with a snow cone.
>
> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI... Judge # 1 -- A mediocre
> chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2  -- Ho hum,
> tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili  peppers at the
>  last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
> Judge # 3.   He  appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>
> Judge  # 3  -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull th e pin, and  I wouldn't
> feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
> made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
> slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.
> At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
> stop breathing,  it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen
> anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my
> stomach.
>
> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...... Judge # 1 -- The
> perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but
> spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a
> good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it
> was lost  when  Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the
> chili pot down on top of himsel f. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor
> feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
>
> Judge # 3 - No Report