Welcome to Lumen Co.
My name is Mr. Burden, Carey Burden; and I'll be your guide through the our infinite journey through hell, the land of the dead, Fresno, and the most dark, unsavory places that this universe has to offer. 
Please remain seated, all carry-on luggage must be stowed before NONE SHALL BE SPARED takeoff. 
If you have any allergies to potassium cyanide, please tell your assigned muse to reduce your dosage.
Please help! Thank you,
Lumen Co. Management