===========ARLegion===========
======Joseph Richard Cantrell======
====Neural Deceleration Disorder, N.D.D.====
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==Preface==
====Official Declaration of Arbitrary Fiction - O.D.A.F.====
This was originally a document detailing my drug use and my thoughts on or during their effects like the dream journal my mom bought me when I was a kid. However, it is now my overall life journal and literary practice. It should be freely and posthumously published to help humanity or whatever. I'm sure it will help someone in the future given the challenges I've faced with abnormal genetics of decelerating neuron firing rates. Also, it's a good deterrent. I'm deep undercover with Luzianne sweet tea.
Keywords for speedy searching:
<amp day>
<amp quit day>
<Retrospective>
<Breezy>
<Poem>
<Bug Fix>
.nih
List 1.
Chapters:
<<Origins>> 2/1995
<<University Disciple>> 6/2014
<<Deficits>> 9/4/2016
<<Amplified Oscillations>> 10/9/2017
<<First Job Experimentation>> 1/7/2019
<<Coronavirus Corona>> 3/24/2020
<<Stripped a Screw>> 7/14/2020
<<Neither Well Nor Fair>> 12/24/2021
<<My Purity Ring of Resurgence>> 5/20/22
My online name: [Sparx] [AM210] AlerionM21
Awesome usernames: dragonessacred
My number: +1-470-929-0601 || +1-762-359-0199
My address: 2808 Calder Ave NE #3113, Redmond, WA, 98052, USA
Package address: 11844 NE 112th St, VER3113, Kirkland, WA, 98033
My game URL: https://josephcantrell14.itch.io/prophet-launcher
Neural Deceleration Disorder autobiography: josephcantrell.org
Color Palette:
Signature Blue - #00B2FF
UI Blue - #00ABFF
Hot Pink - #FF00C8
Black BG - #080811
Navy BG - #0B0922
Pink BG - #E300A0
Indigo - #3E49B2
Windows Indigo - #3B00FF
Blue Link - #30C5FF
Purple Link - #9E97E6
Skin - #F2D8B5
IDE Colors:
Comments - #75715E
@TODO - #C7C7FF
Error - #BC3F3C
Keyword - #F92672
String - #9291FF
Number - #AE81FF
Function Declaration - #27CDE2
Function Call - #57B3FF
Attribute - #64A2FF
HTML Tag - #CDCDFF
Node Path - #FF17FF
Fonts:
Linux Libertine G
Gabriola
Workout:
Day 1: Bench Press, Wide Grip Bent Over Rows, Barbell Curls
Day 2: Military Press, Stability Squats, Deadlift, Weighted Pullups
Routine: 5 sets with decreasing repetitions beginning with two consecutive five repetition sets
Supplements:
Broad multivitamin for health
25000-50000 IU per day extra Vitamin A for acne
Add 10% Benzoyl Peroxide wash for quick acne removal
Preworkout with caffeine for weightlifting
Creatine
5 mg melatonin for sleep and immune system
600 mg 5-HTP for serotonin in the 24 hours after rolling and 200 mg each morning after
Best restaurants, ordered:
Golden Corral
Hibachi Supreme Buffet
Wingnuts
1.5 pounds wings sauced in their original Garlic Parmesan Ranch and Chipotle Ranch with fries
Boar's Head
3 piece mixed meal with fried chicken breast and two legs, potato wedges, and mashed potatoes
McDonalds
Double bacon cheeseburger with fries and buffalo sauce evenly spread over the patty
Chocolate Chip Frappe
IHOP
Colorado Omelette with a light syrup and pancakes and different flavored syrup on each pancake
The Vortex
Double Coronary Bypass Burger with tater tots
Summit Cafe in Sandy Springs
Chocolate Frappe with Starbucks coffee syrup and hazelnut syrup
Best branded grocery foods (see spreadsheet for recipes):
Reeses Pieces Hershey's Bar
Reeses Cups
Sour Skittles
Krispy Kreme donuts
Chocolate Toast Crunch cereal
Hormel chili
Johnsonville Hot Dogs (labeled Bratwurst)
Zatarain's Red Beans & Rice
Zatarain's Jambalaya
Maruchan Ramen
Best drinks:
Luzianne sweet tea
Monster Ultra Violet
Vitamin Water Ice
Dr. Pepper Cherry
Pepper conquests:
Cayenne
Red 7 Pot
7 Pot Douglah
7 Pot Primo
Chocolate Habanero
Ghost
Trinidad Moruga Scorpion
Fatali
Carolina Reaper
Breezy Dog's trick list:
Sit
Come here
Stay
Up
Lie down
Shake (left, right)
Wink
Spin (360)
Shiver (full body shake)
Wiggle (incomplete shiver)
Perch (hold my hands while standing up)
Jump
Hum Sing (working on) - learned while preparing ground beef for food
Speak (working on)
Most Intense Experience: LSD + MDA + 3-MeO-PCP + Cannabis (potentially fatal combination)
Best Experience: LSD + 3-MeO-PCP + Cannabis
Drug Utility Shortlist:
Amphetamine sulphate: Intelligence training, motivation, long term life enhancement
Marijuana: Malleable short term life enhancement, natural medicine
3-MeO-PCP: Amphetamine addiction and withdrawal, creativity, motivation, depression
MDMA: Amphetamine withdrawal (sparingly)
Psychedelics: Appreciation
LSD: Weightlifting
DMT: Weightlifting, back pain, natural medicine
Dissociatives: Reflection, habit based depression
Drugs I've used to get high:
Amphetamine Sulphate
Caffeine
Marijuana
Alcohol
LSD
25I-NBOMe
Methylphenidate
LSA
Mushrooms
Nitrous Oxide
Dextromethorphan
Cocaine
MDMA
2C-B
DOM
Diphenhydramine
Kratom
DMT
Methoxetamine
2C-T-2
2C-E
5-MeO-MiPT
Ketamine S+ & -Racemic
Codeine & Promethazine
MDA
DOC
25B-NBOH
Salvia Divinorum
25I-NBOH
3-MeO-PCP
Alprazolam
Heroin
4-MeO-PCP
DCK
O-PCE/2-OxO-PCE
3-MeO-PCE
DOB
25E-NBOH
3-HO-PCP
3-HO-PCE
Flunitrazolam
2F-DCK
4-HO-MET
Mescaline
5-MeO-DMT
TMA-2
ETH-LAD
2C-C
PCP
Methamphetamine
2-FMA
4-HO-MiPT
4-AcO-DMT
3-Fl-PCP
Now with that very same list, I'll divulge my thoughts on those drugs. A ++ denotes I would use it again while a -- means it is a castaway.
Amphetamine Sulphate ++
This is the gold standard and my ticket to life with Neural Deceleration Disorder. It trains me to be intelligent, motivated, happy, and caring. It acts through releasing NE and DA, but it also has other actions unbeknownst to me. I am most addicted to this drug, and it will always be that way until I die. It causes massive oscillations in the neurons of my body to the point I can hallucinate toward a ketamine-like hole of white light and 3-MeO-PCP-like hallucinations of rainbow women. It enhances my holistic comprehension, calculation speed, working memory, short term memory, and long term memory. It enhances adrenaline reserves when appropriate, and adrenaline is more easily triggered for release, even by withdrawal alone. Levoamphetamine mostly trains those things related to NE and makes me hungry and cold. I can sleep on levoamphetamine even with large amounts of dextroamphetamine as long as the ratio is sufficient. Somehow levoamphetamine trains a moral tending to the call of duty. It fosters integrity. Dextroamphetamine trains my DA related motivation and reward and makes me hot, keeps me awake, and mitigates my hunger. These two atomic arrangements work together to keep me holistically capable. This is the only way I know to increase intelligence, and it would be sufficient to transform a C student to a P.h.D. graduate. This should have the ability to train away fear, at least if used in childhood for six years.
Caffeine ++
This is the standard work drug, and it works well so long as I am not oscillating too much from amphetamine. Caffeine boosts my enjoyment of lifting weights, and I consume it in the form of Luzianne sweet tea and flavored preworkout.
Marijuana ++
Weed is great for amplifying another drug's effects. It can put me to work or put me to bed and is good in almost every situation except lifting weights. Marijuana puts me to work so long as I am in the presence or afterglow of amphetamine. Weed will likely put motivated people to work and put demotivated people to rest just as it does me in the vicinity of my amphetamine dependence.
Alcohol --
I've given up alcohol for good because it has awful hangovers with headaches, body aches, brain fog, and puking. It is extremely addictive given that it is very frequently consumed in small quantities. It contributes to cancer like that which killed my mother. It is worth trying a couple times to experience GABA agonism.
LSD ++
This drug is a great way to enjoy the company of one's own thoughts and visualize oneself. LSD almost doubles the acquisition of muscular strength from lifting weights. I've used LSD daily with no ill effects to achieve that growth. LSD makes me see beautiful caricatures of rainbow women and even a white light and full body orgasm at high doses. No overdosing makes this one of the best psychedelics. Like most psychedelics, no hangover and addictive qualities make this an ideal choice.
25I-NBOMe ++
This drug is like LSD but is more precise in the serotonin receptors it targets, namely 5HT-2A. This drug morphs the color black more than other psychedelics. It numbs the tongue and must be dissolved under the tongue. It is stimulating and gives me the giggles quite easily. With a high enough dose or combined with enough weed, it can lead to blacked out cackling.
Methylphenidate --
A DAT and NET inhibitor, this drug is often used as an NDD medication, but it has been disavowed by me by making my NDD worse in time of crisis in late 2017. It doesn't foster any sort of responsibility like amphetamine and is similar to cocaine in the selfishness it induces, so this drug is noted as being inappropriate for children among those educated about it.
LSA ++
This is a naturally occurring drug similar to LSD but producing more sedation. Food tastes very good. Natural sources cause intense puking, but the short nausea is worth the dreamy lethargy it induces.
Mushrooms --
Mushrooms have more morphing visuals than LSD a stronger mental danger at high doses. I suspect I dislike mushrooms because of some dopamine activity that isn't compatible with my NDD much like DAT inhibitors.
Nitrous Oxide ++
NO2 has very heavy NMDA antagonism and is purported to have mild opiate and benzo effects. I can't confirm those latter two statements, but the rapidity of effects' dissipation lends itself to a greater addiction than other drugs. This is the most addictive dissociative I have used, but given the lack of negative effects in moderation, I would do it again. One would need to ingest hundreds of eight gram cartridges every day for negative effects to quickly manifest.
Dextromethorphan ++
DXM needs weed to feel good. Otherwise there is too much nausea. This has the greatest chance of inducing double vision visuals while also having the most complex closed eye visuals of any dissociative. Massive planetary landscapes and castles can be imagined.
Cocaine --
This DAT and NET inhibitor drug is evil in the selfish, talkative nature it induces. Constricted blood vessels and a hangover is present the next day unlike methylphenidate which suggests additional activity. Fascinations with evil plotting, lying, betrayal, gloating, cameras, attention seeking, disregard, and sadism are present. Clapping and running are stimulated behaviors. I read in the media that sadism enhances sexual gratification with partners later in the day, but I can't verify that being a major drawing point. They call that charging or hooking.
MDMA ++
This drug makes me feel very happy since it is very similar to my medication, amphetamine. It's a great substitute to alleviate amphetamine withdrawal, and given my negative experiences with trying things like MDA, it is dangerous to try anything else for amphetamine withdrawal. It is very far reaching and has no noticeable hangover if used in moderation. Despite common usage for group settings, I love to use this drug to examine myself. However, because I had a bad reaction to amphetamine withdrawal in combination with MDA, becoming addicted to MDMA which metabolizes to MDA could become just as disastrous. This drug is not something to use as often as I have in the past.
2C-B ++
This drug produces morphing visuals more than LSD and also has more intense bodily feelings except in high doses where LSD is more intense in just about every way. Low headspace compared to LSD.
DOM ++
DOM is more stimulating and visually active than LSD and produces much more detailed hallucinations for way longer. I've never seen a white light of serotonin saturation like with LSD and won't because of the overdose potential. Vasoconstriction is prominent, so a little weed is necessary to combat that. With 10 mg, the feeling of a pinball moving back and forth in the brain is present.
Diphenhydramine --
DPH creates three dimensional visuals that are imperceptible from reality. It can also create very realistic 2D textures on surfaces like TV's, ceilings, and pillows. DPH can also cause a dream like state that is indistinguishable from reality. It is worthless for recreation unless used with DXM and weed.
Kratom --
A mild natural opiate plant, this produces more nausea than the negligible opiate high of contentment.
DMT ++
Vaporized, natural, tree formed DMT rapidly produces strong rainbow visuals of humanoids, typically women, and even a white light of serotonin saturation. It also has a full body orgasm. It shares all of these qualities with high doses of LSD but these qualities are more reproducible. Like LSD, DMT also helps muscle growth.
Methoxetamine ++
MXE is a very fiendish dissociative that in moderate doses even helps with weightlifting throughput. Walking is more difficult with MXE than other dissociatives but not impossible. Rainbow visuals are very prominent and a white glow in a black void is present in the high dose hole.
2C-T-2 ++
2C-T-2 has strong scenery drifting visuals and is clearheaded enough to stimulate writing.
2C-E ++
2C-E has a very strong buzzing sensation across the body like pins and needles pricking the skin. With low headspace, introspection is a theme. Morphing visuals are more prominent than other psychedelics, and I could reliably see rainbow dragons forming from the trees.
5-MeO-MiPT ++
Moxxy is clearheaded and produces rainbow dragon visuals in high doses of 20 mg.
Ketamine S+ & -Racemic ++
The surgical dissociative, the hole begins with the body vibrating like rustling bushes and even a sound of rustling bushes. This is followed by swirling of the room, massive rainbow objects in a black void, sensations of time oscillating, and white "ghosts" in a black void. It is exclusively an NMDA inhibitor.
Codeine & Promethazine --
This drug combination produces a state of a stupefied bliss although I only tried it once with blue vodka.
MDA ++
This is the best drug I've tried for sex and masturbation. Despite being dangerous for abstinent amphetamine withdrawal, this is my second favorite neurotransmitter releasing drug. This drug is a natural metabolite of MDMA, and for recreation I think it is superior to MDMA.
DOC --
This drug produces visuals for the longest of any psychedelic I've tried. The visuals slightly more detailed than LSD but not as detailed as DOM. I had a strange smell like burnt plastic for the peak of my experiences. I woke up feeling fine despite having a trip of 36 hours.
25B-NBOH --
This drug is like 25I-NBOMe but with too much vasoconstriction throughout the experience.
Salvia Divinorum --
Unnatural feelings of discomfort and repeating patterns captivating one's vision are present.
25I-NBOH ++
This drug is just like 25I-NBOMe. It doesn't elicit feelings of happiness that are as strong.
3-MeO-PCP ++
This is the best dissociative ever since it is functional and inspiring at low doses and catatonic at high doses. It is more of a PCP2 inhibitor than NMDA but possesses a good stimulation. This is one of the best ways to mitigate amphetamine addiction, get stuff done, and have fun. This drug inhibits PCP2 more than any other dissociative and thus rainbow faces are a common theme. This drug is a better depression medication than ketamine since it is very naturally motivating for day to day tasks like weight lifting. 3-MeO-PCP enhances weightlifting output and has no effect on muscle growth. This drug still leaves one alert enough to trigger life saving, slow motion adrenaline release. It goes great with all
Alprazolam --
Xanax is a lot like alcohol and has the propensity to induce a dangerous feeling hangover with sharp pains in the head. Blackouts are much more dangerous as the user's body is not as inhibited as alcohol. It has zero positive effects to note unlike most other drugs on this list. It is not very euphoric, but I suspect feelings of relief and satiation can be found once one is addicted. Trying alcohol a few times makes trying other benzos obsolete.
Heroin --
Opiates produce contented feelings and even a drift toward a rainbow mist. It causes vomiting even after passing out just like alcohol. It also causes constipation and a host of other side effects just from that. The itchy, heaving hangover induced is not worth the trouble. I would have been better off lifting weights until I could deadlift heavy enough to truly experience the MOR receptor.
4-MeO-PCP --
I suspect I tried this drug by mistake. It prolongs masturbation and allows for multiple ejaculations.
DCK --
This disso readily induces rainbow visuals and has a distinct stutter as a short term hangover effect.
O-PCE/2-OxO-PCE --
This is the hardest disso to walk on, and it also is prone to blackouts. It has an uncomfortable, strong stimulation of unknown mechanisms.
3-MeO-PCE --
This disso is stimulating like 3-MeO-PCP and then sedating to the point of sleep. It has more rainbow visuals than 3-MeO-PCP and low doses. High doses can cause a ringing in the ears and an unpleasant feeling of being overwhelmed.
DOB --
DOB is a long lasting, very stimulating, and vasoconstriction prone drug with visuals that aren't as intense or interesting as DOM and DOC.
25E-NBOH ++
This is the most easy going NBOx drug and is more like LSD in terms of visuals and bodily feelings. Combined with 3-HO-PCE, conscious slow motion is reproducible without using any adrenaline.
3-HO-PCP ++
This drug produces the strongest bodily vibrations of any dissociatives including NO2. It also produces more replicated rainbow visuals than any other. This has the best bodily feeling of any dissociative drug and is up there with DMT.
3-HO-PCE --
This drug inhibits PCP2 more than NMDA but is not stimulating like 3-MeO-PCP. Rainbow faces are present but so is boredom. Weed is a must.
Flunitrazolam --
This drug is like alcohol and results in lying down and sleep.
2F-DCK --
2F-DCK is like ketamine but doesn't elicit very much elation.
4-HO-MET --
This is a stimulating psychedelic that is alleged to have NET properties which results in withdrawal with burning insides and a hateful disposition. It doesn't appear to have any TAAR-1 activity like amphetamine, but I don't know much about that receptor anyway. Humanoid rainbow entities are often present like with DMT.
Mescaline --
Mescaline induces so much nausea compared to the visuals, and it doesn't produce much euphoria. I ate a purified extract from the cactus, and I think the point of a cactus evolving needles and chemicals like mescaline is to keep animals away. Other plants with things like DMT and LSA are flowers and trees which haven't evolved to ward away people quite as much.
5-MeO-DMT ++
This natural toad excretion produces the feeling of levity in addition to unique psychedelic visuals. It's not as comfortable as DMT. I suspect impurities like excess plant or toad materials contribute to that.
TMA-2 --
This drug produces stimulation, nausea, and vasoconstriction with barely any visuals and long lasting after effects of those three effects.
ETH-LAD ++
ETH-LAD results in strong euphoria and visuals with a brief spout of nausea on the comeup. Visuals are detailed and rounded like serpentine dragons.
2C-C ++
2C-C produces strong, detailed visuals and stimulation. Visuals have sharp corners like knives.
PCP --
The first synthetic dissociative, classic PCP produces antagonistic feelings, stimulation, and decent dissociative visuals. It is the infamous target of the PCP2 receptor. It also causes extreme hunger at the beginning, shitting in the middle, and sleep after a few hours. It also causes strong ejaculations that could hit me in the eye if I was standing up. It promotes simple but not complex musical and poetic creativity. There's something more sinister about this than meets the eye, but I can't place it any more than I can place the compulsions to eat and take a shit. There is truth to the manic, antagonistic behavior, but I don't know what causes that either. Unknown mechanisms like that have the potential to kill me if used while in amphetamine withdrawal. I've read rumors in various works of art that this is how my NDD predecessor died.
Methamphetamine --
This drug feels like a dirty poison flowing through one's veins like alcohol's bodily feelings. I don't know what isomers I tried. It burns like an NET inhibitor and given enough, excessive dopamine output produces destructive cholinergic hallucinations like DPH. That delirium has great potential for a CIA truth serum. It appears to lack an inhibiting function on its dopamine output, leading to wild ideas, spontaneous actions, and the infamous twitch. It is pure evil and will melt not only the human brain but its face. It will teach humanity the qualities of a faggot, both inside and out. Signs, symbols, and ambiguity are nonstop here, and it shows in various media. It is not comparable to amphetamine and is not a viable substitute. Detrimental neural and other bodily changes are permanent, shown by the faces of meth photos online. Similar to cocaine, the roads here all lead to the dominion of Adolf Hitler, his wife, and his Nazi regime of no remorse.
2-FMA ++
2-FMA is a stimulating drug that is purported to release dopamine and norepinephrine. It doesn't induce hunger like levoamphetamine, and thus I am reluctant to try it and anything else as an NDD alternative medicine. I assume it would produce the same disastrous results as MDA if used to offset acute amphetamine withdrawal. After a week, I felt strapped to my chair and glued to my artistic endeavors. I also started watching TV all day while I worked on For My Aspect. After I ran out, I kept being entertained by the TV.
4-HO-MiPT ++
This psychedelic induces a mild hunger. I ate fried chicken from Publix about every day I used this. Otherwise, it is like LSD but with less nausea and less headspace.
4-AcO-DMT --
This drug is purported to metabolize to 4-HO-DMT, the active ingredient in mushrooms also called psilocin. I can't be sure of that, but it made it difficult to get comfortable in my bed and made the temperature changes feel very drastic.
3-Fl-PCP ++
This drug makes me hungry. It feels like the amphetamine hunger mechanism (calcium channel?) and norepinephrine release. That's only two of many mechanisms of my disorder dependent on amphetamine It has light visuals except in high doses, and it has some visual qualities that appear to be in common with DXM.
<<Origins>>
<Retrospective> (3/13/2022) February 1995: My mom Patricia Cantrell and alleged dad Bonnell Love have sex in a motel room.
<Retrospective> (3/13/2022) April or May 1995: My mom regretfully gets drunk and smokes cigarettes one night while my dad remains estranged.
<Retrospective> (2/13/22) November 21, 1995: I was born at 3:29 a.m. to my mother Patricia Ann Cantrell.
<Retrospective> (6/13/2022) 1998-2000: My earliest memory is my diaper being changed by my cousin Jonathon on the floor of the living room just before the entrance to the hallway. I peed in his face and laughed while he recoiled. This has been my earliest memory as long as I can remember.
<Retrospective> (2/13/22) August 2001: After beginning Kindergarten at Reese Road elementary, my zoned school, my mother was outraged I was coloring in coloring books instead of learning. Within a week, my mother took me to take the test to enter Britt David, the best public elementary school in Columbus, GA. I was stumped only by the ontology of an octagonal shape, so I began school there. I was soon sent to the doctor to get and placed on Adderall such that while reading to the students sitting cross legged Indian style, my teacher would send me to the nurse's office to eat my convoluted and bastardized amphetamine mixture.
<Retrospective> (5/27/22) Summer 2003: I went to Camp Joy for the first time being seven years old, and despite years of prayer at my bedside before bed, I questioned the authenticity of The Holy Bible at the first reading during lunch time. During a period of questions and answers, I asked the teenage girl volunteer reading from it, "How do you know the Bible is true?" I was told to know it was true because it was the word of God, and this is the moment I renounced my Christian faith.
<Retrospective> (2/13/22) Late 2004: In third grade, I stopped reading these forty-five page science books and picked up a nigh two hundred page book about shuffling a backyard dragon through a parade disguised as a float: Backyard Dragon by Betsy and Samuel Sterman. In third grade, I also told my teacher I didn't believe in a god as I had been atheist for a bit. A girl told on me to the teacher for not believing in God, but my teacher said it was okay to have different beliefs. I flipped between atheism and agnosticism as a kid before my adolescent intelligence cemented my atheism. I denied the sadistic Christian god but wondered about other more experimental galactic gods like in Futurama. I also picked up books like Harry Potter which other Christian classmates ironically were not allowed to read because of its made up magic.
<Retrospective> (2/13/22) Late 2007: After six years and in sixth grade, I quit amphetamine for the first time after convincing my mother it was "suppressing my emotions." The doctor said I probably grew out of my ADHD. I don't remember much else from this time, but in Spring 2008 I failed my first class. I remember lots of unrest and crying in that time. Not long after, I asked my mom for my medication again, and she said she thought I wanted to quit, and I agreed and went back to play video games in the living room.
<Retrospective> (2/13/22) Summer 2009: I went to Duke TIP after getting a 1600 out of 2400 on the SAT in seventh grade. Being poor, I got a scholarship to go. I studied Crisis and Conflict global politics for three weeks and briefly dated this cute Asian girl named Vivian. I approached her and asked her to dance after noticing her wandering around the late party. I expected her to turn me down, but I was super delighted when she was equally as delighted as me. She would come to my door and knock on it to wake me up. I was shy though because I no longer had my amphetamine medicine.
<Retrospective> (2/13/22) August 2010: I started ninth grade at the best public school in Columbus, Georgia: Columbus High School.
<Retrospective> (2/13/22) Summer 2011: I studied microeconomics at Duke TIP for three weeks. I hung out with Vivian again but was still bad at interacting with her without my amphetamine.
<Retrospective> (2/13/22) August 2011 - November 2011: In tenth grade, my mother, her boyfriend Bruce Denham, and I lived without electricity, water, and gas for three months until with my earnest behest, my mom recognized Bruce cannot find enough freelance carpentry work and trudged on the job hunt to finally land a part time job at KMart. Bruce drove her there for a while until she got fired for fighting another mutually racist employee. When I was like six or seven, my mother's license got suspended for getting into a drunk car accident while going to get me a pizza. She never got it back before she perished from cancer because it would cost her too much money, and she never got enough money for another car. My mom's job around that time was working at Piggly Wiggly. It took her almost ten years to get another job. That's about the same amount of time it took me to resume my biologically mandated job of consistently eating amphetamine to worship myself.
<Retrospective> November 12, 2011: I pirated Rescue by Silverstein as shown by the timestamps in Windows. This was just after when the lights came back on in my house. I was so happy. It was my early birthday present according to my mama haha. The lights had been off in my house since just after the school year started, early August 2011. I remember riding the bus for like 2 weeks and then I couldn't play CoD with Rosa anymore. I became a recluse. I just listened to music 24/7 whenever I could. Rosa kept asking me why I wasn't on Xbox on the bus and at school. I kept saying I just didn't want to play. I didn't want to tell him I was too poor. He could tell, but he didn't want to say anything. Lol. I remember Josh Gonzales coming to my house on Halloween and seeing the lights were out. I made up something about the power being out because of the power company having blackouts for some reason. Lol. We trick or treated, and I was Adolf Hitler. I don't remember Josh's costume.
<<University Disciple>>
<Retrospective> (2/13/22) June 2014: I began attending the Georgia Institute of Technology, the top public school in Georgia with two summer classes and a full scholarship for poor students having a yearly household income of less than about $30,000. I got there by scoring 2140 out of 2400 on the SAT without studying since it was intended to be a measurement of my overall scholastic ability. However, the specific knowledge of definitions without great context clues didn't exemplify that. I still didn't study definitions like many of my peers. The average for upper classmen at the worst school, my zoned high school of Kendrick, was about 1200, while the average for entrants to Georgia Tech was about 1600, my achievement in seventh grade.
I also took eleven Advanced Placement exams and got credit for nine of them, ringing in thirty credits and starting as a sophomore. Because Columbus High School wouldn't order tests for which I wasn't in the class, I had to take my microeconomics test at Shaw High School in the guidance counselor's meeting room. Despite the ease in completing them, I had to speak to my guidance counselor about taking five AP classes my senior year. I took Advanced Placement tests in:
List 1. Human Geography
2. US History
3. World History
4. Statistics
5. Microeconomics
6. Physics B (more general than C)
7. Macroeconomics
8. Calculus AB
9. Calculus BC
10. Physics C (calculus): Mechanics
11. Physics C: Electricity and Magnetism
I got the highest score of 5 in all subjects except World History for which I was less prepared by my teacher. I got credit for all of them except Human Geography and Calculus AB as there were no Georgia Tech equivalents. Physics B counted as a general elective. I noticed my reading ability deteriorating as I was having trouble reading in Physics C, and I asked my mom to get me another amphetamine prescription, but we couldn't afford it. I intended to study business administration but changed my mind after some thought in March 2014. Being from a household with almost no capital and being an introvert, it moreso suited my entrepreneurial efforts to instead study computer science.
November 2015: First time smoking cannabis at brotherhood retreat; I had two Monster Ultra Zero energy drinks throughout the evening, and then around 9 pm, I smoked weed for the first time. I felt dumbfounded as I took about 10 hits off a really fat king size joint of Alaskan Thunderfuck. Then, I watched as the world started spinning in spirals. The first thing I could say was, "I think I forgot how to sit down." Christian had to help guide me through our trek through the woods, my vision kept blacking in and out during this time, maybe because the flashlight kept moving from my field of vision (I'm not sure!). Upon returning to the cabin, I played with Pistaccio shells at Eyy Bro's request. I then spent 20 minutes in the bathroom trying to figure out if the toilet was real or if I was actually passed out on the couch about to piss my pants (I had no concept of how drugs worked, so anything seemed like a possibility to me!). Finally, I decided I had no other choice but to take a chance and pee, and when done I burst from the bathroom exclaiming, "Guys, guys, I think the seat in the bathroom is a toilet!" Then Torrance hands me another Monster Zero with four shots (unbeknownst to me as I couldn't really understand anyone very well), and so I chug that since it tastes great. Then I'm pacing back and forth frantically for an hour or two, and I don't remember much after that. The day after, I smoked again, and once again got the "spinnies" which I have never been able to replicate to this day. I only got these "spinnies" the two times I smoked this retreat.
Mid-December 2015: Third/Fourth time drinking, went to see the Orange Bowl at Rocky Mountain pizza, then came back to ZBT (drove back wtf lol) and took 7 shots of vodka in a ten minute interval at the up for grabs table. Blacked out after like 10 minutes and woke up the next morning without a shirt and different pants on the couch. Apparently Emily told me to change into warmer clothes to play beer pong at Kappa Alpha, but I just passed out on the couch!
March 2015: First trip: 1 gel; I saw bleach hollow masks in the basement on the faces of Torrance and Jason. I closed my eyes and walked around in a cartoon world in the dark. There were individual swirling photos in fraternity composites, very maelstrom like and similar to the back of a Yugioh card but blue. Someone asked me what I was seeing, so I closed my eyes and was overwhelmed with repeating visuals, drawers and chairs especially. I remember seeing a black space and just fucking pictures of furniture repeating themselves upwards like someone was copy-pasting 50 times a second. Pretty overwhelming for some reason.
March 2015: Second trip: 1 tab 25i-NBOME; On the way back from the spot everything started to feel really fast and intense for no reason, and I ended up petting a Husky, watching black lines move in Paul's Tahiti mural, and playing Bioshock Infinite. Not much visuals except that anything that was colored black waxed and waned.
April 2015: 1st Year Spring Retreat Trip: 2 gels; I laid down on a couch confused as fuck and watched a painting move around the wall for 2 hours listening to Madeon's Adventure album.
Late Spring 2015: 2 unusually long and narrow blotters from Tamara's house party that I bought from a girl in a tent; I listened to Sounds of a Playground Fading freaking out, thought I broke a trampoline and was in trouble, confused why we left the party I bought the tabs at (I thought I did something wrong), watched fractals line the couches in the living room
May 2015: 1.5 tabs 25i-NBOME; I could not tell if I was speaking my thoughts or just hearing them in my head (it sounded like I was speaking them aloud, but upon asking Torrance, this was confirmed false). I watched leopards run around the frame of a painting in his house, looked at his AC ducts for a while in fondness (I'm still confused as to why, but it was dark in there, and 25i does have crazier visuals in the dark), swam in the pool and smoked a joint on a float in the pool. I actually blacked out and blacked in on the float smoking the joint (I think the joint made me black out haha!). I saw Sunfloras dancing in a picture of a field of sunflowers. A grassy field in front of a house in a painting looked like the ocean. It was great.
Late Spring 2015: 1.5 tabs 25i-NBOME; I could not stop laughing and had extreme euphoria, and I saw my created 1.5 mg 25i-NBOME replication while watching Jason play beer pong; as I walked away laughing from the beer pong game, a large number of shimmering semi-transparent white leaves fell down to encompass my entire field of vision. The visuals were so overwhelming it was actually hard to see the real world beyond them. It was like petals of the sun falling and reminded me of Byakuya's Shikai called Senbonzakura from Bleach.
Summer 2015: 15 tabs, ~50-70 mcg blotters; I had my first complete ego death; I remember Luke asing me if I knew who I was or who he was or where I was (and I answered no for all these questions). I remember seeing brown Komouri Dragon outline in Torrance's ceiling, thought Torrances house was my fraternity house, thought Alex Montoya was my girlfriend, couldn't remember Erik or Emily but they looked vaguely familiar. Tripped over 15 hours before passing out with visuals still.
Summer 2015: 4.5 grams dried mushrooms; complete ego death, thought I was going to die for 3 hours, thought Josh White wanted to fight me, "this is my box, let's all stay in our boxes" (I claimed the couch as my territory and felt very primitive). Thought Torrance and Jason were trying to calm me down before the cops came in and arrested me for being on shrooms (because the cops didn't want to stupify me). Felt completely sober and normal in 5 hours.
4 ~500 mcg tabs; took with Jason, walked to new Biotech building and enjoyed the scenery, looked into a puddle's reflection and thought I was walking through a portal, saw rainbow stick figures connected by their hands and smiling in the floor, thought I was a drug lord, thought I was a rapper, thought I was a writer, tripped about 17-18 hours
August 2015: Imagine Festival: 1 50 mcg gel, 2 unknown blotters, 1 brownie: not much effect until I bought 2 tabs from someone, then the ground turned into giant green snakes. Took MDMA later and went to Iris club. Felt very great. Smoked three joints in a row on Torrance's couch haha!!!!
Fall 2015: 2nd Year Fall Retreat: 2 500 mcg tabs; saw huge snakes in the grass between the gazibo and the cabin, saw a swarm of purple and blue bats in the trees in the dark (like Scooby Doo intro), tripped 16 hours before passing out with strong visuals (I was still seeing cartoon vehicles driving on the wall I was looking at while I was trying to sleep).
Fall 2015: LSD and Nitrous: I was on an unknown amount of acid tripping balls, and after smoking copious amounts of weed we decided to try nitrous. Well, I did it twice and the same thing happened both times. Extreme time dilation, everything turned to red bricks and my entire field of vision was pulsating red, it felt like a hornet nest was attacking my brain, and it sounded like a jet engine was in my ears. Complete sensory overload honestly. The pain in my head was crazy. I thought people were trying to fight me. "Let's take this outside" in reference to a joint became a challenge to fight in my mind. I was thinking, "No, this can't be real; I don't want to fight." And then I came back to relative sobriety (still tripping balls but not on nitrous) and was puzzled. I decided the experience must be a fluke and tried it again. Same results. No desire to do it again anytime soon.
Fall 2015: 6 ~500 mcg tabs: took with Jason, saw a pizza box morph into a dog (even with its tongue hanging out!), walked to the spot losing my mind (mistake!), saw "trails" appear in the pool table, passed out 16 hours in, woke up 20 hours in with visuals still and passed back out immediately.
November 2015: 1.5 mg 25i-NBOME: my first "bad" trip with this substance. I started playing beer pong with Torrance and after an hour I started to get FUCKED UP. More fucked up than ever. I went in circles for 3-4 hours until around 11 pm when the drugs most acute effects wore off. This 3-4 hours consisted of me trying to solve my problem (which I couldn't understand sometimes and other times could realize it was alcohol and other times blame it on drugs in general). I would come to a conclusion, then forget, and then start this process all over. Torrance was trying to talk me out of the trip and was very unsuccessful. He said I was being just like Josh with the bad trip, and I remember saying crying, "I know, but help me!" Finally, he managed to get through to me that only I could solve my problem, similar to how I handled Josh Gonzales' acid freakout. Therefore, I confined myself to my room, music, and more lucid and productive thinking than I had experienced in a long time. I realized I was living my life through a distant soul. All my desires were bled from others; and to me, it was unacceptable. I remember frustratingly berating myself and looking for the root cause of the problem, realizing that I BROUGHT THIS ON MYSELF, regardless of the unknowingly sadistic aid of others. I lost myself. This was at a time when I was actually addicted to alcohol, and drinking heavily every 1-2 days to escape myself and socialize. I should have realized I was falling into such a pitfall. But addiction creeps into your skin before you realize it could ever manifest itself there, and I was far fallen. This was at a time Around 1 am I remember telling Ian that I would never be the same; and I was right. 25i gave me my self-respect back. 25i made me realize my problems. 25i made me solve my problems. A damn good drug in its own right.
<Retrospective> 3/2/22: This is the day I decided I want to imminently quit alcohol forever because of its addictive properties. I fulfilled this after enjoying beer pong a little bit longer until some time in Spring 2016.
Fall 2015: 800 mg DXM: amazing body euphoria, difficulty standing (I kept almost falling all the time), Allan says I acted out a skit (I recall walking back and forth around the room briefly during this time). I flew over a small planet (100 meter diameter maximum) with red grass and a massive red tree covering 1/3 of the planet, walked through a castle
December 2015: 1000 morning glory seeds (LSA): saw pinballs in Pikachu painting's head (his eyes were darting around his head), ate a whole pound cake from Publix and said it was the greatest thing I'd ever eaten.
<Retrospective> (5/29/22) January 2016: After playing a few last games of beer pong, I quit drinking forever as I noted two months before. Since then, I've only had one more drink of alcohol which was to try lean mixed with blue vodka a few months later. It was nice, but like alcohol, it isn't worth the problems it will bring when one can live a life with alternative drugs with no hangovers or even sobriety. I might have had one more drink of alcohol if somebody switched my water drink for an alcohol one at The Cheetah strip club. It was hard to tell, and I wasn't about to hang around to find out. I do believe I was "spiked" at the Cheetah.
Summer 2016: 8 tabs and brownie: ego death briefly, incredible waves of euphoria throughout my whole body. My visuals during this euphoria: a camera panned up a cartoon mountain, with the euphoria intensifying accordingly. The euphoria reached its peak when I reached the literal peak of the mountain, in space, and two trumpets burst from the mountain's peak shooting confetti, and there were fireworks. The body high died down near instantly after that. Amazing Black Ops 3 experience as well. Tripped for 16 hours.
Summer 2016: 8 tabs and 100 mg MDMA: lost my mind but no ego death, incredible body euphoria like before, lots of confusion and thought loops, stupified by EVERYTHING, especially how incredibly strong the visuals were. Saw 3D rainbow starfish in the carpet in my room. Tripped 16 hours.
May 27, 2016: 8 tabs: nothing notable. Played Black Ops 3 a lot. Started watching Akame ga Kill.
May 28, 2016: 8 tabs the following day, much weaker experience, no headspace whatsoever, indeed what clarity I feel I have. Finished watching Akame ga Kill; amazing! Went to the rooftop of Klaus for the view; not much in the way of visuals unfortunately 6 hours in. Miscellaneous rainbows and tracers. Nothing spectacular unfortunately. Tolerance is a bitch. Smoked a snap of weed 8 hours in and got slightly more visuals. Waved phone flashlight in front of my face and it looked like a saw solid strands of light in the dark. Started binge watching Future Diary.
June 4, 2016; I'm on a capsule of "psilocyben cubensis extract equivalent to 2.5 g" and 150 mg MDMA. I feel amazing and wrote a letter to my mother. I've resolved to try studying on shrooms and see if that leads me anywhere. I might try creating an Android application soon in fact. I have a great wish to realize my dreams and great visuals as well. Staring at the psychedelic cat wallpaper is crazy. Black Ops 3 is crazy. Music is crazy. By crazy I mean fucking awesome. I've resolved to accomplish my dreams no matter what. And encourage others to do the same! I shall become a model for others and encourage them to be great with me! My dreams will come true. No matter what! I believe that I possess the ability! I do believe this combination is of value! I think that MDMA really does have great effects on the human psyche and can perhaps help everyone feel amazing! I think the PTSD research is definitely of value, and perhaps combining MDMA with shrooms would be of great value in PTSD!!!!!! That is what I think! I think that shrooms can be of value in academia, but I think that MDMA is clouding my judgement and making my movements slightly sluggish. I think that MDMA makes me think of others and think that they have great value as well!!! I want all of them to realize their true potentials as well and I hope that one day I can recommend everyone try this combination of drugs! I feel like the only thing slowing me down is the molly. I'm 5-1 call of duty and my trip playlist is AMAZING!!!!!! So I think shrooms have value in academia! I feel great, and I think that MDMA can definitely help if you are having a tough time in your life. I'm not having a tough time in my life and am set solid in my way to success and achieving all I could ever hope to! I think this is a great combination everyone not of mental illness should try at some point when they are ready! I think this combination is of great value, I think everyone of good mental clarity should take this combination. Thus one month from now I shall take 8 tabs, one capsule, and 150 mg MDMA and see what happens. I expect good results. I'm won't MDMA further after this. There is everything that I feel and have learned by taking this combination! I feel that shrooms can make you do everything better and MDMA can have therapeutic effects! I really want to tell researchers this combination is really of great potential at least one in your lives if you can handle it! I think the people who sing these words could be helped. I'm listening to Atreyu and In Flames right now. My trip playlist is nice! I have a strong desire to connect with my mom and also help her. I want her to stop smoking, so I'm going to call her and help her when I'm sober!!!!! Maybe I should just smoke and enjoy my trip now! I'm set solid on my way! I think MDMA has great personality reinforcing potential; or maybe it's just shrooms. I think it's a great combo, but I think it has allowed me to definitely learn more about MDMA and shrooms individually as well as in combination. I think shrooms has potential in academia and MDMA and perhaps this combination has potential in therapy. I almost sure. But I don't want to damage myself and try it again, so I'll let other researchers hopefully get it legalized and make everyone believe that my words are TRUE! I must say that MDMA is great for building connections, if someone did abuse it and use it frequently, but I from what I have read it is neurotoxic and should not be abused. If you want to develop a strong bond with someone, maybe take it once with them. I can recommend it for this purpose as well. But I shall try shrooms with studying at some point haha!!!!!! I think I'm going to try to use shrooms to develop an Android application. I'll give it a shot. I'm definitely fucking doing this next paycheck! I really do think everyone should try this ONE time in their lives, after they already understand everything about how the world fucking works. :) I guess maybe I'm connotating that educated people can enjoy this combination more than uneducated people. Perhaps this combination is of more value if you have more drug experience; I really don't know how others react to it. I'm too lazy to look it up. But that is how I feel. This is crazy. There are so many chemicals that could be of value; MDMA is not the only empathogen and psilocin is not the only psychedelic! I want to research further. I've forgotten what I elocuted as my last thoughts haha. Whatever. This is one hell of a combination (it was an experience I suppose) and I can't wait to explore mushrooms and discover what I can achieve! --I wrote all this during my trip.--
6/12/2016: 10 blotters, 1250-1500 mcg; I was too fucked up to tell the difference between 8 and 10. I did trip for about 19 hours before falling asleep though. I wrote this during the trip: Thinking about crazy shit haha!!!!!! Very interesting stuff I think. It certainly is for the benefit of mankind. A DeathGrip on Yesterday is amazing. Fade to Black was crazy, so was Slipknot thing. I'll never fucking sell my self out for anything. I can always count on myself. Here is my raising of my voice. This is an amazing experience! Holy shit I want to see them live tripping balls definitely. Can 100% recommend taking LSD! My thoughts are drifting so hard right now. I keep getting confused. But, LSD certainly holds merit. If this is what I believe then this is what I shall do. Wow this was a crazy experience. Confusion. No it won't end in tragedy because I know the answer. I'll fucking win. T+4 hours or so conclusion of the album. Drugs are the best thing in the world. Listening to Long Live is great too. Smoked a bunch. Playing Black Ops 3 and listening to music simultaneously is interesting. Did that a fuckton and was bad sometimes but other times just wrecked mothafuckas, like always.
July 3, 2016: 8 blotters, ~1 mg: Tripped 16 hours or so, in line with what I think 1 mg should be based on previous experience. T + 1 hour, I smoked three bowls. I began to see a red car morph into a cat creature with giant claws, and so I averted my gaze toward the bowl. I remember coming inside and having very existential thoughts of how I came about. I remember rationalizing humanity's existence as well as why humans are born to die while listening to Fade to Black by Sonata Arctica and End of Days by Bullet For My Valentine. I remember speaking with a "deity" (I was in a white place similar to FullMetal Alchemist and speaking with some white flowing orb of energy that was flowing into the white space around me). This being said it didn't have the strength to keep humanity alive forever, but that it was trying. And I remember hoping desperately that this being would succeed. I experienced all this with my eyes closed laying in bed. Very strange, but these thoughts were delusions. I later gathered by thoughts and remembered the theory of evolution and my atheism. It was very fun. Played Dark Souls III and beat three bosses in a row (Aldrich Devourer of Gods, Yhorm of the Profaned Capital and Dancer of the Boreal Valley). Awesome. Did great in Black Ops 3, I remember going 10-2 in Search and Destroy. Ordered Wingnuts AND Krispy Kreme!
July 9, 2016: 8 blotters, ~1 mg: Writing this 18 hours in. Pretty much just afterglow now with faint traces of color and patterns. Listened to Sounds of a Playground Fading, Scurrilous, and Volition. It was great! Finished Dark Souls 3. Also great!
July 16, 2016: 8 blotters, psilocybin extract ~= 3.0 g psilocybin cubensis, 150 mg mdma: Listened to trip playlist. Sounds of a Playground Fading, Come Clarity, Volition, A Sense of Purpose (Move Through Me, The Chosen Pessimist), The Living Infinite, The Ride Majestic, Reroute to Remain (System!). The Swedish people really know how to make music. Scar Symmetry, Prism and Gate, Holographic Universe, Artificial Sun Projection, The Kaleidoscopic God. Great songs. Those guys sure do know how to live life and I revere them. I think Come Clarity is an artists' symbolic depiction of life; in fact, I know it just by looking and listening to the composure. Perhaps I can become an artist one day, but looks like I must allow my greed to get the better of me first and get rich! :)
July 23, 2016: 30 mg 2cb: Listened to In Flames and Soilwork. Lots of ideation about homunculi and self-preservation of my sense of self. Transplantation of my self into an artificial human. Sounds great? Yup. I thought of FullMetal Alchemist as a metaphor for this in many ways. My first game of CoD I went 5-0. Another game, I killed a whole team 6-0 in CoD. Lit. But then I died four times in a row. Not lit. Taking a shower felt so good, everything felt great to the touch, more so than MDMA even I think. Rubbing my skin felt very good and I did this often, while playing CoD BO3 and listening to music. T+7 hours: just dropped 1 tab of acid.
July 30, 2016: 50-55 mg 2cb trip. One of my hardest trips. Holy shit I was was fucked up. Best damn bowl of Cookie Crisp in my life. The wingnuts? Indescribable. 10/10. Played with a dog. Walking around outside on the sidewalk it felt like I was walking on an incline and slumped over 45 degrees. The trees looked like they were growing multicolored hands and zooming in at me (magnification effect). Everything would look like it was melting into blurs of colors occasionally. Sometimes I couldn't stop laughing for 5 minutes straight. The 6 hour trip felt like an eternity; there was so much time dilation. My vision was kaleidoscopes a lot of the time. I saw 3D rainbow structures when I closed my eyes; buildlings growing and morphing. One of the most intense trips of my life, second only to my 25i experiences.
August 10, 2016: 1 mg 25I-NBOMe. I didn't have very intense visuals, but I had a powerful euphoria and sense of self. Lots of tingling in the back of my head. I got a 39 killstreak in Call of Duty.
August 20, 2016: 10 mg DOM: insane visuals. T+3:00 writing this. Still coming up. Damn. I saw a giant rainbow dragon serpent thing going into a galaxy maelstrom of rainbows, it was fucking crazy while I was listening to two lives worth of reckoning. I felt forever in an afterglow from listening to the The Panic Broadcast I think. A megalomaniac of my own volition. Listening to Stabbing the Drama is just as good honestly. Soilwork is amazing. DOM + Soilwork is awesome. T+11:00; no weed and dying of boredom unfortunately. Damn. Read Stephen Hawking's The Beginning of Time lecture. Watched Django Unchained. It felt like a pinball moving back and forth in the vision center of my brain in the back. It felt very good though like it was helping me.
<Retrospective> 2/17/22: It felt like the dragon spiraling into the galaxy was a manifestation of my internal feelings of power.
August 27, 2016: 10 mg DOM. Very intense. Lots of insane visuals, including intense visualizations of the music and random scary visualizations. I saw a large mass of hollows from Dark Souls envelop my "field of vision" with my eyes closed. They were waxing and waning together like a mouth made of hollows chewing ever so slowly to the sound of the music. Listened to Natural Born Chaos, Death Resonance, and The Ride Majestic. The music was very powerful and there were some definite moments of eternity. However, my mind stayed intact. Memorable moments: fluttering black ripples in a white world expressing the vocals in Natural Born Chaos song. The feeling of eternity and gravity with which I heard, "Can someone give me an answer about the choices I made, cause I can't think anymore. Those thoughts were buried forever, deep down in emotional graves. Forever lost in vain." Petrichor by Sulphur was also insanely amazing; the range of emotions was very compelling. I also remember seeing a majestically large staircase of bright white light in a dark plane, building itself with the will of the people descending way down from the fortress of belief, illuminated by a seemingly infinite number of candles, at the top - all during the final instrumental moments of Enemies in Fidelity. Damn.
<<Deficits>>
September 4, 2016: 12.5 mg DOM + 1 tab lsd at T+12:00, smoked every 45 mins to 1 hour during the whole trip. Many joints. Much kief. I wrote this at T+20:00, and the indentations at later intervals, the second being my thoughts at T+21:00 or so. T+2:30; I listened to The Ride Majestic but realized soon that my mind could only be blown one time! Well after that, at about T+3:30, when I was truly began to peak, I smoked weed. Then I listened to Blackwater Park and that turned out to create nightmares in my mind, and I literally thought I was dying in the middle of the song, and I stopped listening to music for a bit to smoke. And I pondered the "frightening" images I was seeing translucent upon my vision. Demon masks from Courage the Cowardly Dog lurking in my television's reflection (fucking hell the lyrics are insane in Blackwater park, this bore insane things to my mind's eye such as all the death I have seen of my own eyes [fucking horror movies {IT, Scream, Dixie, internet videos}]). This previous sentence can serve as a textual illustration of my experience in which my mind's eye created translucent imagery cast over one another; I could see my different images and animations all at once, some horrifying, some delightfully euphoric, some a mix; all at the same time sometimes or as a central focus. My imagination and analysis was overloaded more than it has ever been before I daresay. But I was still more intoxicated on 25i-NBOME I must say. They are both strong chemicals of their own effects. However, I do believe DOM, given the right dosage, could be just as intense as 25i, and indeed, could kill you. But you'd definitely need over 20 mg, probably much more honestly. But anything over 10 mg just seems to be too uncomfortably strong. Nonetheless, this trip was in full swing and I had only been peaking for maybe 12 minutes, the duration of the song. I began to grow more and more euphoric as I realized that I cannot forget anything I have seen, and I must learn to live with it and accept it. I grew one of the biggest grins I've ever had in my life (Except maybe 25i or DXM) and decided the trip will carry on whether I like it or not, but I must change to new music that isn't depressing. So I smoked more weed and listened to Mercenary's Architect of Lies and The Hours That Remain for the first time. Beautiful compositions. I listened to In Flames's Come Clarity and some of Reroute to Remain at about T+13:00 after when the LSD began to take effect. All amazing lyrics and overall artsmanship, and I do note that I continue to interpret Come Clarity in many new ways; there's so much to be said in it. This trip probably changed my life in some ways, as have most of these others. What is my goal in writing all of this down? I am just a spectator, an advocate documenting the loss. My repetition of the lyrics should be enough to stress how strong this substance is. DOM will consume you. Let it. But I dare say, "12.5 mg is the farthest I am willing to go. I have seen what I want. Anything farther just seems to spiral into too much entropy before my time. But my friend, 'Walk on broken glass. Is the pain the same at the end?'"
Man I do wish I had appreciated my mind more when I was younger, although maybe I did (reference to Soilwork I suppose. 'It's like I never even tried to remain sane, but it all turns out just not what you wanted not what you asked for now start dragging me around...'). I can appreciate it now though, and what better time than the present, for it is also my curse I must learn to appreciate, regardless of my emotions, regardless of anything, I'll be dragged down to death just like the uncountable beings before me. And only in science can my cure be found, yet it seems I may not span this great occurrence. Well, I'll be damned if I'll die bent over and bleeding like the personification on the cover of Come Clarity. I'll find a way, whatever it fucking takes. I don't have anything to hide, I just want to be successful. I just want to be.
This trip really has been awe-inspiring. Just as all of them have been. Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of one's own mind. That's something I read about 7 years ago. Changed my world view in an instant. It's insane how impressionable you are when you are a kid, your malleability is quite the canvas for a PREDATOR'S PORTRAIT! Good riddance to faith. I lost my faith sometime at camp between the ages of 5 and 8, whereas before I prayed by my bedside night after night for my salvation. My wish was bastardized. My wish will be bastardized. Soilwork, Stabbing the Drama and The Living Infinite were probably my hugest influences (once I'd heard them!). This was about the time I started to truly appreciate my mind. It really all fucking clicked three times in my life: The Camp Joy incident where I asked, "Where is the proof..." and my answers were met with circles (The Bible is proof!). I saw deception. Somehow, given my malleability, I made it through the cave and into the fucking sun. The next: At the very end of 9th grade when I was choosing my classes (deciding to take the intellectual route of life), and finally in 7th grade, when I was stranded crying to myself behind my door feeling as an outcast upon the world and I made my promise to never stray from myself, to stray beyond the shallow entombment. I strove to write things, and I tried. I strove to do things. But honestly, my monetary and family limitations became a larger burden than I would have liked. And maybe I really am a product of classical conditioning. I have trained myself to revel in pain and hard work before, and I say I can do it again. Walk on broken glass, is the pain the same at the end? No, I now know how to avoid the broken glass. I'd like to interpret that the broken glass could be a mirror to your future. Could be.
Believe me, NEED NO ONE TO GET ME THROUGH, SLOWLY FADING IN FIDELITY, MY ENEMY, MY WORDS ARE TRUE, LET ME LEAD YOUR WAY. That is also how I feel about drugs in general. Religion. I dare not say politics or economics; I have not studied them enough. Nor physics and mathematics. But I am making PITCH BLACK PROGRESS. I do wish people did not think I was a drug addict. Is there any way to change their mind? Success, happiness, emotions, ideation, conscience all encapsulated and bleeding through from my damned brain, in time. "IN FUCKING TIME." University is still my life's priority. I've cried tears of joy and sorrow many times today on all these drugs listening to sounds of truth from the musically talented. But rejoice, for me, myself, and I (and some drugs and a lifetime of shackles) have truly taught me to appreciate, to feel, to be.
September 13, 2016: I'll be keeping this as a journal now. What once was is quickly forgotten, all wrapped up inside. Delete all resemblance, I feel your relief. Well, I suppose I won't be doing that with drugs. Drugs are with me for life now; how can I refuse such an offer for such entertainment with nigh no risk? It's a bountiful land of imagination. I'm high right now. I've recalled the apathy mechanism of identification in scope. Well, I guess it's time to get to work on my new projects.
Short Term Goals:
-Publish fitness app for free
-Create Android game with Unity and sell
-Update resume
-Prepare for career fair
Long Term Goals:
-Create more personal projects
-Enjoy life
September 15, 2016: Reading Brave New World. Uncertainty is the lament of man. Between black and white there is no room for two. It seems I've got lots of good reading ahead of me, so I must attend for a while. But fuck, motivation is difficult. I didn't go to my philosophy class yesterday even though I know I should have. I don't know. Maybe drugs really are for me. Apparently I have ADHD. I can deny it all I want but I can't defeat my own biology like that. Maybe not yet. Not without drugs. But maybe I'm wrong and this is all in my head. But I can think of counterexamples to this. I'm probably right. I probably have ADHD. Whatever. Fuck it. Power through.
September 16, 2016: Took 5 g Kratom; first time. Cool but not that cool. Not much better than sober. Fuck it.
September 25, 2016: 5 tabs 200 mcg LSD + 1 very potent edible + copius amounts of weed. FUCK. I had visuals in 17 minutes and I got fucked up fast. At an hour in I couldn't remember who I was anymore. I remember who I was five hours in. I will describe my experiences in no particular order. Brave New World was a subject heavy on my mind. On this eternal hike I took with Ian, Graeme, and a few other people (it's difficult to remember!), I remember it felt like I was constantly being reborn again as a blank slate, constantly fulfilling my role in the system and then being spit back out as a new human being again. I felt like I experienced myself being born and then living an entire life right up until its very end. I remember feeling as if my death was imminent. This was around the same time I could see a holographic kaleidoscopic membrane around everyone, myself included. Sometimes this membrane waxed and wane to include myself among these others, seemingly symbolic of existence within culmination. I remember standing in front of the gates of death (as tall as and formed from the trees). I gazed into this vat of souls. It looked like a portal to another dimension. I remember seeing ghostly penises, tits, vaginas, transexuals, demons, and other unhuman things swirling around in this portal as well. And at the peak of peaks, when the sensation in my body was overwhelmingly amazing, impossible to ignore, divine to behold, and seemingly infinite, I gazed upon this naked woman sprawled in front of me, fully three dimensional, this same kaleidoscopic holographic membrane oozing everywhere out of her existence. She was coalesced from the shapes I saw in the portal. She was faceless. At least, my attention certainly was not fixed on her face long enough for me to remember it. I don't even remember if I saw a head. At one point there was a giant machine spitting out minecarts full of naked women that were then dumped before my feet, similarly to Brave New World's exploitation of human inception. It was fucking insane. Literally. I felt schizophrenic for 4 hours. Wow.
September 27, 2016: Damn I have this project due. And a test Thursday. And I have to read a book. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I'm baked as fuck. But I have to do this project; I'll start again after dinner at 6 pm. I want to take a break. I hate doing work. I loathe the painful sentiment it manifests. I'm going to distract myself. But with what? I worked out, but even that was difficult to finish. I don't know what to do. I'm bored of everything. I need something new. I don't know what. But there must be something new to entertain myself before I drown in this misery even one more second.
September 28, 2016: That which has caused my endless spiral into fragmentation, oblivion within my mind: self doubt of the actualization of my true aspirations, Happiness<--->Wealth<--->Relationships. It feels like king me is killing me, yet I feel so invincible; I'm the sculpture made out of clay. I wait for this to overcome, what's inside, it needs to be done. I'm the bringer, nigga.
September 30, 2016: I'm on 200 mcg acid. Clayman is awesome. I need to do a project. I need to do a project relevant to my career goals. Where do I begin? Fuck. I can make a real app. Something I want to make. But what? A game. A game of what? That is my purpose in this instant, to think of a theme for my game. I'll make it a platformer, where the strive of reaching higher and holding onto what eventually falls, is making sure that the spirit will crumble, once the bloodstained curtains are dropped. Unfortunately, if that flame enlightens me, will it relieve me of my needs? Damn. Inspiration abound. But it is just an abstract concept; its implementation is in the eye of the perceiver. Platformers are boring. I'll make a toss the turtle clone. Toss the keyboard. That's what it's going to be. Toss the fucking keyboard.
October 3, 2016: Happiness; it seems so distant. It seems that no matter my status I will never be invulnerable to weakness. Nothing's what it seems, however. Will I ever find again that mysterious strength which so envelops me as to cast a shadow on all my doubt? For it seems I wander this eternal night with no sun to bring me home, no torch to illuminate but that of my own will. Times past are strangling the life of the present as it ever bleeds into the next bullet-ridden frame of the future. How to escape it all? My memories are confined within, and it seems no matter the illustrious flames that enlighten me I cannot achieve happiness but for brief instances. Regardless of the distance I swim I am inevitably capsized from below by others, by my own hand, by my own mind. My only dream, one I have championed for over seven years, has been brutally dethroned from me as I have watched the fruitless labors of others. Money won't make me happy. I don't know what will. Maybe people. There seems to be a lesson in every piece of art I behold: you won't find happiness within, no matter how hard you try. Aldous Huxley, Albert Camus, Affluenza, my philosophy professor, In Flames, Soilwork, my own mother, myself. The battle amidst the self can never be won alone. You will destroy yourself. I wish it was easier. All of my desire topples among the ruins of my motivation. The gleam of my youth has been replaced by absurdism. I suppose I'll be talking about this when I write my paper: "Can you be an independent thinker and still live happily in society?" Am I happy? No. What will make me happy? I don't know. Sell me the infection, it is only for the weak. No need for sympathy, the misery that is me. This idea of self-actualization is foreign to me now. I once dreamed of being a writer throughout my childhood, until business aspirations crushed this dream. Now business aspirations seem so distantly impossible for me to achieve by the hand of my ancestors. I am not alone in my thoughts. Aldous Huxley sought to show the true aspiration of mankind is happiness; in his Ireland experiment he showed that time was relinquished to synthesized happiness, soma. But is synthesized happiness any less authentic? I think not, for your happiness will not come without consumption; you will be drowned in misery as you starve yourself of food and beverage. Fasting and affluenza are the wishful chaos of fools.
October 5, 2016: Fuck. I don't want to do anything. I want to have fun and be happy. I can't do that by myself; I end up breaking myself into parts. Perhaps then I should talk to people? Yet I bleed misery; how do I escape it????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck. It gets easier, but you have to do it every day. Spent some quality time with my borrowed smile. The gleam is replaced, rip me open, and erase me. I wish. I fucking wish. I changed myself in seventh grade. I forced myself to fight my own feelings until I shaped myself exactly as I willed it. But fuck, it was so much easier when I didn't have to give a fuck about anything. Apathy was my natural route. But apathy won't save me now. Enthusiasm will save me. But I hate being enthusiastic; nothing about it is authentic for me. Can I force myself to be enthusiastic, and in doing so, relinquish my soul to its embrace? Or am I apathetic as a result of my own biology? They are not mutually exclusive, yet is conditioning alone enough to overcome the constraints of my biology? In some ways yes, and in some ways no; but, my question is as it pertains to my current predicament. And in the end, will it still feel as inauthentic as it feels right now? And if that flame enlightens me, will it relieve me of my needs? I don't like talking to people. But sometimes I do. But most of the time I don't. A bullshit lament. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I know, it's all the voice in my head.
A rundown:
Happiness in life,
Life of the absurd.
Absurd is your mind,
Your mind is your life.
October 6, 2016: I need to make:
-website
-keyboard throwing game
October 10, 2016: 10 mg DOM. I shook the silence. It said, "Fuck." I listened to Clayman. I listened to Stabbing the Drama. Both very depressing albums, true. Have I nothing to glean of my environment? Fucking hell, this shit is awesome. I serve the failure that's haunting me. When my head is all but empty, that's what I have left. I serve the failure that's haunting me. I hate Computer Science. I hate work. I hate the failure that's haunting me. The strive of reaching higher and holding onto what eventually falls is making sure that the spirit will crumble once the bloodstained curtains are dropped. Damn. That nigga is a poet. A good starting place. Ignorance is bliss. I could shelter myself in my own ignorance, but what if? As soon as I remember anything I've thought on in the past, I become unhappy. Rumination is destruction in all its glory. The destruction of me. Again. And again. And again. And again. As the future repeats today. Today. Anyway. I see beauty in dead flowers I let the tide show me what's next but all you do is fade away. My declaration hurts. Just want to stab it right now. As a freethinking individual, I hate the constructs of society. Therefore, no. But I'll forget that, won't I? I'll forget everything in time. I'll forget what's going on right now. But what I won't forget? Nothing. Everything comes and goes. All this wisdom means nothing if you can't behold it. There is my lament. I won't remember. Let's reunite and brush the dust away. Can't respect all the tears you have cried. Just remember how you changed your life: can't trace your fate with a pitiful cry. There is no savior and there is no gun that kill all this honor of mine and get it done. It's always going to be in the back of my mind, whispering, "Die, die, die." And there's nothing I can do. I want to be the things I see, but I know I ain't that free. It makes you want to hate life. I can see myself slipping into those cracks, but I need to remind myself that life is multifaceted. All of my time, compressed to itching moments, as the future repeats today. Today. Anyway. Your enslavement to ignorance heralds your true demise. Yet it is the source of happiness. Aldous Huxley was the nigga, that's for sure. 100 mcg of LSD the day of his demise. Just how I'd want it. Except, more like 1000 mcg. Because there's no day like doomsday.
At one point during I looked at my bedsheet and it looked like a cobra holding a knife briefly; I recoiled instinctually and stared it down, moving forward slowly as I came to realize that it was just very realistic visuals. My peripheral vision was extremely fucked up: at one point, I was talking to Ian while the grim reapers of the towels hanging on our doors were staring at me. Another time, I was walking down the hallway and saw a piece of paper taped to the wall at head height appeared to be a person with a white cartoon face staring at me with a malicious smile. Blades appeared everywehere sometimes as though my vision was shrouded in knives. It was interestingly dark and probably due to my mindset.
October 16, 2016, 11:27 pm. I found out my mother has cancer. I don't know what kind yet. This is horrible. Fuck. I'm on adderall and smoked a fuckton and I have to study. But I wanted to write this down. The skies are grey but I must work the soil.
<Retrospective> 4/3/22: This is the day I started using the full date notation instead of the abbreviated 10/16/2016.
October 18, 2016: Saw Soilwork on Acid. The Living Infinite was an awesome song to hear. All of it was awesome. They also played The Crestfallen, Stabbing the Drama, Two Lives Worth of Reckoning, Follow the Hollow, and Rise Above the Sentiment.
October 21, 2016: 5:30 am and I finally finished my paper for philosophy class, "The Amity of Enlightenment." I think it's pretty great, but we'll see what becomes of my grade!
October 25, 2016: My mother is in a hospice. There are many more cancerous masses than originally believed, and the number is at least eleven. I'm assuming she has less than six months to live as that's the only way the government will pay for it (and of course there's no other way to afford it). She's still in constant pain and can't get up by herself. She's taking morphine. She's in a comfy hospice with lots of recreational activities and a view of a lake. Well. The hours remain. A Petrichor by Sulphur is soon to come. It just might be true.
October 27, 2016: My mother has 1-2 months to live according to the doctor. He said she will be gone by Christmas, and lucky to make it to Thanksgiving. Well. Fuck. I worked out. That was great. Showered, brushed my teeth, smoked a vape bowl (.3 grams), and took a 200 mcg tab of acid. I didn't set a timer this time for the first time in a while, so I don't know when it will hit me. But I think I can start to feel it; an interesting tingling in my body (although maybe this is from the weed and preworkout). Well, acid will speed up my heart a little, but it's been over five hours since I took the preworkout. I benched 270 for six sets and bent over rowed 227 for 4 sets (I did warmup sets of 245 and 225, respectively). Well, a good day so far. Kinda. My mother wants to go home when she has to die, but the house is fucked up and needs to be fixed. Friends and family are fixing it. That's great. Fuck this situation, I'm going to play Overwatch.
October 28, 2016: Waking up for philosophy sucked. I couldn't fall back asleep, and then it turns out my mother is probably going to die today. I was asked the question of resuscitation and asked for it, but later recanted after speaking with Crystal, Vickie, and the nurse. Damn. I went to Columbus to see her. That was it. She couldnâ€™t speak when I got there. My last moments with my mother and she barely had the strength to open her eyes to see me. She opened her eyes for two seconds, jerked her hands up in excited acknowledgement, and laid back to rest with her eyes closed. My last words were never able to be returned, unfortunately. Whatever.
October 29, 2016: My mother died at 16:26. I left back for Atlanta, smoked some weed and passed out.
November 4, 2016: Absurdism. Three choices: Escape, give in, or stand guard.
November 16, 2016: My thoughts have just been spiraling out of control. DeaMth, death, death. How you haunt me. Ah well. Machinegun majesty, spill spill my blood tonight! I have a 2200 test. Fuck. On Adderall to focus. Probably have a cold. Man I should really get control of my life. My adverse thoughts have been running my mind for far too long now. Where to proceed? Iâ€™ll wait because the first move is critical â€“ but no seriously, Iâ€™ll think about this later. I should talk to more people. My shadow has been silent for far too long. But fuck, my declaration hurts. It just might be true.
November 18, 2016: Got a 100 on my demo. Worked out. Took acid. Caches are cool. My computer has a lot of them. I should stop speaking using incomplete sentences. Iâ€™ve reduced myself in that aspect. My declaration may hurt but it doesnâ€™t mean I wonâ€™t face it down. My declaration doesnâ€™t hurt if I simply regard it as such. Itâ€™s not quite that easy, it seems. Learned behavior you are my curse and my salvation. I need to stop fragmenting my sentences. This is becoming a dire habit. This is a habit Iâ€™ll break right now. Iâ€™m going to speak every sentence in a complete sentence. My tendency to spew encompassing words is interesting. Brevity is the soul of wit, I suppose. It just might be true. But itâ€™s not. Thatâ€™s the meaning of that statement. There is no true me. Iâ€™m just a collection of atoms arranged in a particular way, and I have arranged them quite well right now. 59 minutes have passed since my departure. Well, itâ€™s not a departure. Iâ€™m still here. Itâ€™s very interesting how you can perceive things. Iâ€™ve come to the conclusion, yes I know, that between black and white there is no room for two. Making decisions is good. Iâ€™ll keep doing that. I know how to spit or swallow. And now what should I decide on? Smoking marijuana? Starting on this project? I will delay the project until the break. And then I will begin. No matter my complaint, I must force myself to do this. My future sun must hold myself to this accord. I demand it. And so it will be. â€“Start complaints here-finished complaints here-. I know how to spit or swallow. This wonâ€™t be fun. But Iâ€™m going to do it for myself. I often pose myself the question, â€œWhat do I want?â€I donâ€™t know. I must seek solace in myself. I leave the grey behind. This is true. Machinegun majesty; deceiver, believer, donâ€™t need you tonight. Youâ€™ve spilled enough blood, youâ€™ve wasted my life. I suppose I should adhere to a certain schedule. So it must be that Iâ€™ll adhere to the hours of 1-9 as mine alone during the break. As time to work, to turn to stone my intentions. I must enjoy my time right now, however, as it is precious to me. I need to be more conscious of myself, but it seems difficult. I can only think of one thing at a time, and if I listened closely enough, Iâ€™d see the machines are playing my sound! I have nothing to say. Silence is my sound. Thatâ€™s fantastic!
November 24, 2016: Hung out with Ana all day yesterday. I want to hang out with her again in a different context than sleeping all day! Sheâ€™s beautiful. I need to get food and work out. Then, I will grind these projects!
November 26, 2016: Hung out with Ana yesterday and today. I took an hour long shower with her and then had sex for the first time. Awesome. I want to date her! I also have this intense pain in my abdomen after (and also last night). I believe itâ€™s because I hadnâ€™t eaten enough, but my appetite has also been dwindling. Food isnâ€™t very enjoyable to eat right now. I donâ€™t know why. Oh well. Itâ€™ll pass, Iâ€™m sure.
<Retrospective> I remember Anna said, "But you don't want me."
December 1, 2016: Tick tock. No use reaching as time goes by! Deathâ€™s reigning my life. I know I must work. Still day beneath the sun. I know I must play. Treasurize this entertainment now. Iâ€™m writing down my thoughts. Need for attention, need for solace. Sometimes I like solace. Sometimes, shoot me straight for the sun, I want to be the only one left. Nothing will be left here. It doesnâ€™t matter. Iâ€™m going to do what I want. And for now I crave solace and introspection. Still, that path will always drag me down. I need not pay death any mind. But, I should pay my life mind. Yet, my life seems to revolve around work now. I am what I do? No. Work is worthless blood to spill. Thatâ€™s just the price to play, but what do I like? A lot of time I crave nothing but my own solace. I feel as though it is detrimental to my fraternityâ€™s goals and possibly to my own. I enjoy the presence of otherâ€™s company sometimes. A lot of times I feel lost. And I donâ€™t know why. I wrap myself up in my head too much. It feels so impossible to control my head most of the time. But I know itâ€™s possible, I just lie to myself. Iâ€™m free in my mind. Well, I know thatâ€™s not true. Iâ€™m also a slave. Why do I entertain all those cynical souls within me? Reprieve seems out of reach, it is but lost in my atmosphere. Why do I keep on hurting myself? Am I depressed? Weakness. Iâ€™ll deny it. Until the day I die. Nobody can fix my problems but me. I just need to accept the fact that all these thoughts CAN be fleeting. Over and over. Over and over, this mental sacrifice will wring my heart for its last few drops and beat it into the brightest of suns. I tell these things to myself but I find it difficult to enact them. I learn the lessons then immediately forget them. The blister exists. I am all but what am I? Happy? Sad? Angry? Fearful? I choose happiness. Here I am writing this bullshit when I should be writing about some bullshit in Aleppo and Mosul. A temporary detriment. It is inescapable; work provides no release. Tunnel vision, no man! I am the suburban of pilgrims, I am the forest of trees, I am the ocean of waves, I am the galaxy of stars. I am the black hole and the supernova, but which path to choose? It seems I tend toward my black hole. Itâ€™s just another day drifting to the event horizon. I am a god of the mind. Flowery language, for sure. Iâ€™ll never die and Iâ€™ll tell you why; my jealousy is killed. Thatâ€™s possibly the greatest piece of advice Iâ€™ve ever heard. They preach the good word of acceptance. But my lament is I wonâ€™t remember. Itâ€™s fine. Everything is fine. This winter break is going to be good. I need a break from all this work. This has been such a stressful semester. But it neednâ€™t finish in such a way.
December 5, 2016: The days seem to blend to one. The last time I wrote here was four days ago but it doesnâ€™t seem that way. Smile, bitch. Thatâ€™s what I tell myself. Smile. Smile. Smile. I have this presentation in an hour and a half and I must memorize my speech. Otherwise Iâ€™ll hesitate. I will search for the words in mind and my mind will revel in nothingness. As before, as now. So, I disregard such weakness and memorize it. Iâ€™ll go rock climbing and to Wingnuts on Wednesday. Finals after that. Six flags after that. Iâ€™ll invite Ana to Six Flags first, and then others. I donâ€™t want to build a friendship just to see it die again. Iâ€™ve watched too many people come and go. I need to reign my life. Iâ€™ve spent enough time with myself to know my self-destructive thoughts. A cycle with misery of which there is fleeting escape. The truth is I do it to myself. It need not be that way. I donâ€™t need anyone. I want people. I say this. Iâ€™ve changed a lot throughout my time. But my desires are ever-changing and everlost! It doesnâ€™t matter. I speak todayâ€™s words today and tomorrowâ€™s words tomorrow. Today, I speak the words of inner light! Iâ€™ve written 10,000 words here. Iâ€™ll keep writing. As of now I do not intend to ever show anyone this document. It is filled with my self-inflicted inner struggles. Omnipresent supremacy of the mind is impossible with the weakness of fading memory. I am. Thatâ€™s all I have and thatâ€™s all I need. I can rant for an eternity about death, but I have all of eternity to let this document do the ranting for me. One day Iâ€™ll publish this to the internet. Whatâ€™s the point in letting it be lost? I will not survive, but this document will.
Current short-term goals: CS 2200 project, study for finals, maintain friendship with Ana, create portfolio of Computer Science work, clothes shopping, experience ego death listening to music.
Thoughts on Ana: She doesnâ€™t want to date me. I thought she might be on the fence about it based on our previous conversation, but this now seems to be false. However, I want to remain friends with her.
Thoughts on pursuing a girlfriend: This is something that bothers me. A girlfriend would be interesting but how to find a girl I actually like? I wouldnâ€™t want to pretend to be intimate with someone I donâ€™t actually like. Iâ€™ll just talk to people as I see them just like with Ana. The difference being Iâ€™ll actually make an effort to get to know them. I wonâ€™t make this a priority. Itâ€™s something thatâ€™s not easily obtainable. I just have to meet the right people, which will happen over time.
Current long-term goals: Secure an internship. Secure a job. Enjoy life! Fuck all else!
December 6, 2016: Itâ€™s 4 am. Iâ€™m working on my CS 2200 project five. Good progress has been made. The low of the semester was my motherâ€™s death, and the high was the time I spent with Ana. Fortunately, I never cared for might have been. I can tell myself this statement, but I wonâ€™t remember it. My thoughts drift to the wishing well quite often. I can drown myself in its entrancing stare. And I do. Itâ€™s fun to dream.
December 8, 2016: Iâ€™m at work and Eric isnâ€™t here. I could go help out the help desk but fuck that. I donâ€™t need to justify anything to myself. Between black and white there is no room for two. My self-justification actually may be to my detriment. Iâ€™ll try to avoid it. Itâ€™s difficult to break mental habits, though. Itâ€™s difficult to note your own behavior as you exhort it. But itâ€™s not impossible, so I can do it. So I continue the day. Now itâ€™s time to learn PHP.
December 13, 2016: Iâ€™m studying for 2200 now. Iâ€™m pretty content. I wonder what Anna will do. Iâ€™m so curious. Iâ€™m going to look into making a music player app. Thatâ€™s a good place to start.
December 15, 2016: Finals are over. Hell yeah! I think I got a 3.15 GPA. Weâ€™ll see.
December 19, 2016: I candyflipped with Luke, Anh Tuan and Kyla. Wild. Lukeâ€™s mom watched us while we were on all the drugs! She was our DD. Lol! Iâ€™ll continue my fitness app and add workout functionality!
December 26, 2016: I hung out with Anna for a day then visited family. Iâ€™m at Jonathon and Tiaâ€™s house right now. I wish I could smoke weed and go to sleep. When I think about that, it means I should stop fucking wishing for things. Iâ€™m my own worst enemy. Who can make me fall? Me. Just me. I want to make it just turn. And it can. But for how long? Not long. Without distractions, and even with distractions a lot of times, I destroy myself. My plague is real. My plague is an illusion. It is difficult to bask in the light; my thoughts turn to the past, the present, and the future â€“ the forsaken, the empty, and the unknown. This is nothing but a perspective. But how to force my perspective? It is very difficult. Nothing lasts forever. I donâ€™t know what to do but march. My clock ticks. Iâ€™m keeping myself alive. Fantastic. Maybe. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. If I say it enough times will I blind myself? My mindfucking system works but I donâ€™t want to do it. I just donâ€™t fucking care. I own the night. I know nothing and nothing knows me. Fuck. I must not destroy myself. But I do. And I canâ€™t stop it. It wonâ€™t ever let me go. Even when I was with Anna there were times where I found it difficult to stop hurting myself in my own mind. But being around other people certainly makes it easier. I am alone inside myself. Being alone doesnâ€™t bother me. My acute thoughts make me sad. My acute thoughts make me happy. And now I can choose. I choose to be happy. But for how long? Ha. I should stop asking such questions. They are too provocative. I know. I know. I know. Total devastation just catches my eye. I was never in pain; I blame myself. Analyzing what Iâ€™ve written down, it is so cyclical. Iâ€™ve known this for a long time, but the evidence is now here for me to see clearly. The only way out is to die. That wonâ€™t be for a long time (I think). Hopefully Iâ€™ll live past 53 and wonâ€™t get cancer. I hope. Thatâ€™s why I donâ€™t want to drink anymore. I donâ€™t want to fucking die, even if I hurt myself sometimes; I love myself all the time, even if I canâ€™t remember it. People say you should seek counselling or take anti-depressants to fix this. That wonâ€™t fix a thing. This chemical imbalance in my brain is of my own doing. I can fix it. Iâ€™ve fixed it. Thereâ€™s no savior and there is no gun that can kill all this honor of mine, and get it done. In the back of my mind there will always be a light lurking for its retrieval. Smile. What reason have I to not smile? Smile.
The future: I want to keep building a friendship with Anna. I donâ€™t want to do hard drugs very often anymore. Iâ€™ve done them enough. I want to keep smoking weed. Smoking weed is great, and Iâ€™ll never let anyone except myself tell me otherwise. This can be generalized to anything. But what do I enjoy right now? Sometimes I just donâ€™t enjoy life, and itâ€™s all my fault. This is the end of everything. I am the end of everything. And now itâ€™s the beginning of everything, I am the beginning of everything. Birth is nothing but deathâ€™s beginning! God damn. Fuck my world up! Every time I think about death alone I always draw the line. Suicide. Itâ€™s stupid to think about it. Iâ€™d never even consider doing it again. That incident when I was 11/12 wonâ€™t ever happen again. I had a butcher knife to my throat and I was seriously considering ending it. And my mom told me to do it. I remember. But I didnâ€™t. My mind was so fragile. Thereâ€™s nothing that can make me run anymore. Suicide is a foolâ€™s idea. Still, itâ€™s presence in my mind is annoying. I hate remembering that moment. Itâ€™s disgusting. People might think Iâ€™m suicidal or depressed because of the music I listen to but it really clears my head of all the bullshit I feed myself. So does writing all this down. All the lies inside my head can vanish as soon as Iâ€™m reminded theyâ€™re BULLSHIT. Some people donâ€™t believe that. â€œSadness is in the heartâ€Linda Fisher said. Yes, but only if your mind allows it. Believing is what makes you sad. Itâ€™s because you believe youâ€™re sad that youâ€™re sad. If you simply acknowledge it as a lie, itâ€™s a lie. Behold the power of the mind! I can have a needlefeast or a rainbowfeast but my mind always wanders back to death. Itâ€™s my only fate. Everything else is subject to change. Tomorrow belongs to nobody. My future belongs to me. But where do I go? I live Monday to Sunday but forget what it means. Then a ghost comes to visit and I tell stories from tabloids. God damn. All thatâ€™s in my head is my imagination and the infiltration. My imagination is settings the god damn world on fire. Now itâ€™s not. It all turns so fast. When Iâ€™m by myself itâ€™s a war. And I always win the battles but I canâ€™t ever win the war. Scream. Aim. FIRE! I like to point at my head and picture a blaze inside my head. A second sun. Some would claim drugs ruined me if I told them about my drug use. That sucks. Drugs are great. Theyâ€™re round trip tickets. I canâ€™t wait to smoke some weed. I canâ€™t wait to work out. Yes I can. Iâ€™m waiting right now. Waiting, waiting, tick tock tick tock, oh wait! Meanwhile time takes a turn. Iâ€™m feeling damned when you make it burn. That song is really good. Black star deceiver. It lives within me alongside my sun. Theyâ€™re both within reach! Which path to follow? How can I keep balance in this race? Come faith Iâ€™m dying, slowly. I am, I am, I am, I am. I am all but what am I? Happy. It just might be true! Yet nothingâ€™s changed in me! Or has it? I just did some pushups and squats and I feel much better already. I have changed in the present but my past wonâ€™t ever change. The yesterday I love speak of tomorrow. The yesterday I abhor speak of tomorrow. Tomorrow belongs to nobody!
December 31, 2016 <Retrospective>: I thought I noted this down previously soon after it occurred, but I suppose I was wrong. I took 2 hits LSD and ate one of my 4.2 grams of avb brownies at the same time. I was flying through a rainbow nebula while relaxing in bed in the dark, and then I fell asleep for 3 hours! I woke up to see about a hundred black hands rescinding from the center of my vision back to the environment. They overrode all color I was supposed to be seeing, implying I was lacking some deeper node's action potential in the neural network.
I felt like a simple, crazed creature. I was shaking and shouting "Ahh" as I awoke and rose to sit up in my bed. I briefly saw my box speaker system cousin Jonathon gave me looking at me menacingly with sharp teeth surrounding the inside of the circular speaker parts. It had two eyes on top of that too. All this happened in less time than it took me to sit up. After I sat up, I could then see the rainbow visuals from the LSD. I was super hungry and could feel it in my stomach, so I ate some food then went straight back to sleep!
I suppose it generally goes something like (black hand mechanism)->(PCP2)->(Norepinephrine Releaser)->(Norepinephrine Receptors) in the neural network, although there can be multiple dendrite connections to each neuron and multiple transmitting axons away from each neuron. It's not quite so simple since the PCP2 neuron has action potentials that travel to some neuron SIGHT1 responsible for sight, and the black hand mechanism must be either some neuron SIGHT2 like (SIGHT2)->(SIGHT1) or one of its major preceding neurons like (SIGHT2 mechanism)->(SIGHT2)->(SIGHT1). The lack of PCP2 receptors was probably responsible in part for that hungry looking speaker box. I'm not sure where the mechanisms for the red ground paintings and red wall paintings would fit into forming the picture of the outside world sent to my prefrontal cortex. I'm also not sure how the general (NMDA)->(Dopamine) system fits into the picture either, but considering they make up at least part of my final visual reconstruction of the outside world, my hypothesis is this black hand mechanism will also prevent action potentials from reaching most of the dopaminergic system as well. I also am unsure of how the serotonin receptors fit into the picture considering I was stimulated by them. The black hands can prevent my serotonin receptors from fitting into my final picture since I couldn't see the LSD visuals either. Thus the black hand mechanism can prevent action potentials from reaching my final norepinephrine and serotonin receptors. This all makes sense considering black is the absence of light and thus the interpretation of an absence of light would be evolutionarily formed first and followed by interpretation of individual wavelengths of light and white, the combination of many wavelengths of light.
January 2, 2017: Iâ€™m continuing to work on the Android project. Iâ€™m using a chart library and planning on implementing JSON data storage. That should get me hired. Christian knows I hung out with Anna a lot. That is irrelevant, for we only hung out as friends. However, the key piece of information is Anna has told me she doesnâ€™t see their relationship going anywhere. I want to remain friends with Anna, and Iâ€™m fine remaining there or fostering something more. I need to reacquire my speakers and scale too. Itâ€™s another day in quicksand, but I want to have some kind of goal in my life. I donâ€™t know where to focus my efforts or if I would even relish in such effort at all. Zero and zero is nothing but zero. Zero and one is nothing but zero. My conscience will all be washed away one day, just like my motherâ€™s. Iâ€™m crying right now. Wow. No. I canâ€™t believe I do such things to myself. It is belief that makes these things real. In this lack of faith I have what I need. But I run a constant lack â€“ I want more, but I donâ€™t know what I want. These acute states of mind kill my thoughts. Iâ€™m running forward to die. Starving for zero. All of these thoughts that haunt me could become art. I should strive to create art. I want to make a game revolving around these concepts of light and darkness inhabiting the mind. That would be pretty cool. Iâ€™ll do it. One for the money, two for the show, straight to hell is where I go. GO!
January 8, 2017: I really like Sepulturaâ€™s new stuff. Iâ€™m still on the fence about their old stuff. Iâ€™m high. Iâ€™m going to smoke less weed this semester. I want to spend money on other things. All I seek is reprieve, and it is handed to me on a gold plate. Too bad I drop the plate too often. My secret faith is killing me. I wish I didnâ€™t make myself sad or frustrated. But itâ€™s difficult to stop. It doesnâ€™t matter. Iâ€™m human. Yet my interest is difficult to captivate. Perhaps ADHD really does plague me. Is this why Iâ€™m so bored? My body chemistry? I wish I had answers, but it doesnâ€™t matter. I am nigga, I fucking am. I am.
January 12, 2017: The days all blend to one. Iâ€™m not accomplishing much. It doesnâ€™t matter. Nothing matters. I donâ€™t have fun anymore. How can I have fun? I donâ€™t know. Itâ€™s difficult. Lies, damned lies, and statistics fill my head. 100% chance of going to the ground. 0% survival chance. Iâ€™m throwing myself against the wall over and over and over. Iâ€™m frustrating myself uselessly. Iâ€™m talking to myself a lot. Iâ€™m apathetic. Why? I should change now. How long can I suspend my disbelief? I donâ€™t know. Seconds, minutes, hours. Nights and mornings are the worst. I can still see that last pulse fading away forever. My mother is nevermore. I will be nevermore. I am all but what am I? Just another number. Itâ€™s just another day in fucking quicksand. Just another day. I rise, I fall. I materialize, I fade. I synthesize, I destroy. I love, I hate. I live, I die. I revel in black, I scorn white. I am the alpha, I am the omega. I eat blue pills, I eat red pills. NOTHING. It always creeps up on me. Nothing. I never knew nothing, I sure as fuck donâ€™t know it now, and I wonâ€™t give one single fuck when it envelops me. Zero and zero is nothing but zero. Why try when I am born to die? Even disregarding such a notion, what do I enjoy? Apathy grinds my inspiration to dust. I donâ€™t know how to fix it. I hate playing pretend. So I wonâ€™t. Not by myself. But Iâ€™ll pretend to others. Iâ€™ll pretend to be happy. Iâ€™ll deny it all. NOTHING.
February 2, 2017: Timeâ€™s moving forward. I have several interviews and should have an internship at the startup Pronovos. Nothingâ€™s changed in me. I slept less than five hours this night. I donâ€™t know why I keep losing so much sleep. I lie to myself a lot. I tell myself Iâ€™m sad. I wish I didnâ€™t. But sheâ€™s like heroin, sipping through a little glass. Belief is a dangerous weapon, but the burning sun of truth rises just as it falls. The sun turns the forest to flames just as well as ash. I wonâ€™t be fucking shamed.
Feb. 11, 2017: Smoked 300 mg DMT changa. Saw the red brick paint in Abhinavâ€™s room was blue. Said, â€œEverything is fuckedâ€and then lay down and saw a color/geometry band (nebula like) floating toward me. This band was like a portal to another world with geometry abound in it. There was a faceless rainbow alien shape in the band that came right up to me, peered into my fucking soul (lol), enveloped me, and then floated back away very quickly. Itâ€™s all very fuzzy. I remember being startled after smoking all the DMT as things felt strange. I smoked 600 mg. I remember my pipe translating sideways by about a foot so it looked extremely long when I looked at it. I hit the pipe one last time while it looked like that before I blacked out. I remember saying in my head, â€œI am Godâ€and marveling the resultant geometry. I remember spraying with my mind these slices of colorful smoke that looked like the first image but colored differently and much more numerous and scattered like the second image. When I opened my eyes I panicked for some reason and began to fling my hands around the air and my shirt flinging these lines of colored smoke everywhere. There was no reason for me to panic but I did. I came down eventually but this was definitely a breakthrough. It was pretty cool. I smoked about 300 mg another time. I was having thoughts of helplessness (specifically, relentless thoughts of needing someone to help me/hold me countered by relentless thoughts of â€œin the year of need reason leads astrayâ€ The whole time this color band is slowly enveloping me. Then a female-looking alien came and hugged me. Then she blew me a kiss and left through a door in the color band. The color band then floated away. That was crazy. Itâ€™s a very strong drug for sure. 0-100 real quick!
February 21, 2017: Itâ€™s been 10 days since I smoked DMT. I need to email Bruce Orr, my summer internship boss. Iâ€™ve found it easy to feel bad about myself. But it really is pathetic lies as Randy Blythe says, as Edgar Allan Poe says, as Plato says, as Albert Camus says, as most atheists say. I am not the weak willed and I wonâ€™t be convinced that my happiness is out of my reach because â€œdepression isnâ€™t your fault, itâ€™s a chemical imbalance in the brain.â€It is a chemical imbalance in the brain, â€œoh the chemical reactionâ€as Protest the Hero says. But it is an imbalance of your own choice. I can summon my happiness by simply believing in it just as I believe in my sadness. Which lie I believe is all my own choice. Choosing my beliefs, summoning my faith, synthesizing my soul is my freedom. I can change emotions in the blink of an eye by choosing my thoughts and believing them. However, I will always recognize they are lies and rescind to apathy. This is fine; I would rather be apathetic than sad. But using this ability with classical conditioning I can be a gleeful dog of Pavlov. Sacrament is a great album. So is Come Clarity. So is The Living Infinite. Those are my favorite three albums. Beautifully executed. They taught me so much about myself. So did Self Reliance by Ralph Waldo Emerson. So did The Stranger by Albert Camus. So did The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe. So did Philosophy 3127, especially Platoâ€™s Allegory of the Cave. I sometimes undervalue my education but I really shouldnâ€™t. Itâ€™s magnificent. To know so much about myself is beautiful. Back to work.
February 26, 2017: I have a Machine Learning test Iâ€™m studying for on Tuesday two days from now. I just started a few hours ago. My professor said in the video that sheep fold. I like his philosophy jokes. Faith always crumbles under the weight of truth. Light pierces darkness. Iâ€™m made of steel. Iâ€™m an iron man. I wonâ€™t bow my head. Damn straight. I took Vyvanse and right now I want to do everything!!!! It makes me think I really do have ADHD honestly. Itâ€™s all in my head but everything in my head is a product of the physical realm; they are inherently intertwined and inseparable but by death. This is nothing new. I want to accomplish things right now; guitar, books, games, blogging, writing in general. I should begin work on these things to do what I want to do. Self-actualization can be important to me, and thus it is important to me. This is faith. I must believe the present is bright by working to build the best future. I must accomplish my dreams. But my apathy takes its toll. It brings me to life and it pulls me under. My choice. Sometimes I donâ€™t choose because I donâ€™t care to. Sometimes I sit in apathy until I burn up inside from my sore thumb, my frustration with my lack of time to throw away to apathy and nothingness. I have all the time in the world to be nothing. But right now I need to accomplish my dreams. It still creeps at the back of my mind thoughâ€¦ it whispers, â€œNevermore.â€I came back to this entry five minutes later. I forgot to write this. I choose happiness. I love myself and people love me. All that matters is that I love myself but it is also nice to have people love me. I choose to love myself and my blood flowing through my veins furnishes this choice.
March 12, 2017: Nothingâ€™s changed in me. I still live. I still lie.
March 25, 2017: I took Methoxetamine. It was only about 5% potency (an upper bound). It felt like maybe 30 mg max but I took 600 mg, enough to kill two people! It was like cough syrup but very stimulating and focused instead of dreamy. I saw lots of green squares floating everywhere outside. Spring break. Wow. Over spring break, I drank cough syrup dextromethorphan. I felt very lightheaded and had my vision discretize. I took acid and then the visuals became amazing. The fire discretized into blue squares, cubes, circles, orbs, polygons or 3D shapes. It looked like a retro game fire when it pixelated. Then, Tuesday I took 40 mg 2C-T2. We biked to the Salty Dog on the comeup. Jordan and I puked before we left. So much nausea. I puked in my mouth at the restaurant. The dog on the TV screen in the gift shop was melting. We biked to the beach. I got buried in the sand and it felt so good. I closed my eyes and saw a rainbow but mostly blue fire burning with flaming tendrils swirling around it. The ocean was too damn cold. We went to the Crazy Crab for dinner, still tripping. Then we took DOM. I took 7.5 mg, they took 5. The DOM was very visual: we went to the beach an hour into the comeup. We dug a huge hole in the sand and built a wall around it. I fed birds that stole the food. We left the beach when we started to finish coming up about three and a half hours after ingesting the DOM. The bubbles in the hot tub looked incredible; they were all rainbow traced and shiny. The field behind the house looked like it was a sea of deer. The next day Jordan and I took 25 mg 2C-E. It makes my skin super tingly all over, like my skin is being prickled all over with euphoria. It was so visual. The plants looked like menacing dinosaurs and things from pitch black. The big white umbrella closed over the table looked very menacing. It was like a ghost with many eyes. We saw an alligator and I threw a stick and hit it. It was a pretty great spring break. I took about 40 mg 2C-E and Iâ€™m on it right now. Iâ€™m so high. I walk the line haha. I desire not much right now. Iâ€™m pretty content. But restless. The past is shit. It is nothing to me. But it still exists. As the future repeats today. This drug is very neutral. Wow. I smoked a ton of weed and laid down by myself in Abhiâ€™s room. I could hear the words â€œKill myselfâ€repeated coldly twice in my head in my voice. Everything began to turn into a very friendly suicide weapon: towels, knives, papers, etc. Everything. I stared at a white towel snake in the mirror with its mouth ajar. This snake seemed to be symbolic of this predicament I found in myself. I said I would stare him down and then I stared until everything calmed down and nothing looked like tools of gleeful self-destruction. I didnâ€™t enjoy this trip. Iâ€™m sure if I was in a different mindset it would be much better though.
April 11, 2017: I realize now what the title Brave New World means. Dare to know. I must dare to use my reason to create my new world. My knowledge creates my beliefs. Behold, my brave new world. This is nothing new, but I never really understood Huxley until now. Surely, thereâ€™s more to the book than I grasped, but this is his main idea. It is also Plato and Kantâ€™s main idea. Dare to know. Iâ€™m going to hang out with Sabrina tonight. That should be great! I still feel the afterglow of the DXM I took last night. It was a beautiful time. The visuals were lackluster and lacking any depth other than random splashes of color. My cognition was very interesting. I was so surprisingly lucid. It was great! I wonâ€™t do it again anytime soon though; DXM is not healthy.
April 15, 2017: I feel like Iâ€™m scratching at the wall. Annoying. I still walk this line. I donâ€™t think it will ever go away. Thatâ€™s not true. It feels like Iâ€™ll sleep when Iâ€™m dead. So wait and bleed. Watch my breathing. Lol. Wish for more? No wait, canâ€™t have everything. Middle ground? I walk the line. Thatâ€™s my only option. These mental walls. An infinite cloud of misery is just waitingâ€¦ right next to the infinite cloud of happiness. Thereâ€™s always the apathetic surprise party. Three bitches standing on top of me. Line em up; knock em down.
April 18, 2017: Hanging out with Sabrina was great. We ate a brownie watched The Ride Along. I canâ€™t wait to hang out again.
May 2, 2017: Itâ€™s interesting that the last thing I wrote was about Sabrina because Iâ€™m about to write about her again. Simply put, sheâ€™s beautiful, smart, and open-minded. I like her a lot. Sheâ€™s definitely one of the most beautiful girls Iâ€™ve ever seen; I knew that when I first saw her. But back then I was too shy to talk to her. I also wasnâ€™t really seeking girls very much for some reason. Iâ€™m not really seeking girls still, just her. Sheâ€™s leaving to Lorraine, but I want to get intimate with her before that. Sheâ€™s coming over Friday, but Iâ€™m going to see if she wants to study together tonight. If so, Iâ€™m probably going to ask her to have sex. She seems to think sheâ€™s a basic piece of eye candy sometimes, but sheâ€™s a human: she has a past, present, and future, and thereâ€™s nothing basic about that. I see and value every humanâ€™s individuality. This in mind, I understand if she doesnâ€™t want to, but I want to get closer to Sabrina so Iâ€™m going to try. I have this AT&T interview tomorrow and I also have two more exams to take. No problem! On a side note, I donâ€™t need people in my life; I want people in my life. I donâ€™t need life; I want life. Itâ€™s that simple. Itâ€™s something I need to remind myself sometimes. Nihilism isnâ€™t for me. Iâ€™m a god from the machine, a mind from the body.
God I miss my mother so much. Every day. Every time I think too much about her it brings me to tears. I just cried right now. I think Iâ€™ve been brought to tears at least three times today. I think I actually cried twice. Itâ€™s hard to see beauty in dead flowers. Itâ€™s hard to see beauty in my dead mother. Itâ€™s possible, but the sad perspectives are so easy to take. Itâ€™s a never-ending maze and itâ€™s best to just look away. Breathe. This is what distracts me from my work constantly. My thoughts.
May 10, 2017: Iâ€™m glad finals is over now but now I feel as empty as Iâ€™m asking for. I took 2C-B with Josh yesterday. We listened to Damn by Kendrick Lamar and played pool. The pool table looked like an actual pool with waves and it also appeared to zoom in and out at me. That was fun yet nothingâ€™s changed in me. Iâ€™m just as nihilistic as ever and I still live to lie another day. I wish I could have had something with Sabrina. Oh well. Another bridge collapsed. Where do I look from here? What do I do to find enjoyment in myself? Drown myself in video games and movies and tv shows until the day I die? I have no desire for the shore so to speak. Why? I donâ€™t know. Does it matter? No. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I want to scream it until the end of days. I keep building my brave new worlds with my own hands and then watching them recede into nothingness. My happiness, my sadness, my hate, my fear: itâ€™s all a lie. I keep fading and thereâ€™s nothing I can do to stop it. This knowledge of the end of all things has killed me. And I still believe in that. It is still a lie; I still love, I still hate, no matter my futile denial. I wish there was a way. What do you know, I feel so invincible. Fuck, Iâ€™m the sculpture made of clay. Iâ€™m killing me. Iâ€™m dying slowly. Fuck. That plagues me. This misery, this love, this hate is all my own creation. And itâ€™s all burning with me. I could seek out women. Would that bring me fulfillment? Iâ€™m not attracted to everyone thatâ€™s for sure. For instance, I have no attraction in the slightest to Aimee. Sheâ€™s given me her number twice (and been drunk both times), but I donâ€™t like her. I wish the best for her but fuck her. I missed two days of work in a row and this is unacceptable. Iâ€™m a fucking fool. My insomnia gets the better of me though. And in my morning delirium it seems so rational to skip work. Fucking dumb as shit. Oh well. Nothing to do but hold on to nothing and move forward. I fucking hate this. Iâ€™ve said it before and Iâ€™ll say it again until the end of time. This is fucking hell. Itâ€™s weird that only Anna knows about my suicidal ideation in my past. Iâ€™m sure she knows it goes on still; sheâ€™s the one who brought it up. I know she knows that it stays with you. I made a rational decision to kill myself instead of working for a life a long time ago when I was eleven or so. Thatâ€™s bullshit. Lifeâ€™s so shitty, but isnâ€™t it fucking great? Oh the perspectives game. Iâ€™m always playing. Futility continuesâ€¦â€¦â€¦..
May 11, 2017: Iâ€™m at work right now. Itâ€™s pretty chill. $12/hour is nice. But fuck thisâ€¦ Iâ€™m fucking miserable. Why? Because Iâ€™ve got hands on my face. I should just be able to sit and bask in my purity until the end of days. But the past is real and it still haunts me. My dead mother, pets, and memories. My broken signs that no longer bring me pleasureâ€¦ I try playing video games, watching things, hanging out with people and Iâ€™m still getting fucked by myself. I donâ€™t enjoy anything right now. Not even drugs. I donâ€™t know what the fuck to do. I donâ€™t want to die, but I donâ€™t want to live either right now. But here I am, living to die. Whatever as alwaysâ€¦
May 16, 2017: I went to six flags on 220 mcg of acid with Graeme, Anna, and Christian. That was crazy awesome. My vision turned completely blue riding the Goliath and the Batman. Graeme and I have been scavenging for weed like crazy. We need to hit the bongâ€™s resin. Iâ€™m at work right now and I feel so exhausted.
May 19, 2017: Itâ€™s 2:30 and Iâ€™m at work exhausted already as usual. Iâ€™ve been coding the TA application for the CoC. Actually Iâ€™m recoding it and using a lot of the functionality code from the previously written application. Most of the code Iâ€™ve written redesigned the user interface. My boss Eric is an existential nihilist, what do you know. I identify with that; beliefs are bullshit but Iâ€™ve crafted my own bullshit beliefs because nihilism is self-destructive. God is dead and I am a murderer. No gods no masters. Yay. Eyyyyyyyyy. Iâ€™ve been drinking a pitcher of sweet tea every day; this equates to 1080 calories from sugar and 396 mg of caffeine every day. Hell yeah son! To Reddit I go!
May 24, 2017: Itâ€™s 1:36 right now and Iâ€™m at work. It feels very difficult to shake this dissatisfaction. These malcontent souls to which I allocate my trust are feasting on my life. Precious seconds, minutes, and hours wasted in this heinous circle. Iâ€™ll square the circle and come out on top. Iâ€™m a fucking god of the machine! For now. I still miss my mom. I still wish I wasnâ€™t going to die. I still wish I could kill these horrid feelings once and for all. Iâ€™m taking it all with me. You will fucking burn with me.
May 31, 2017: I took about 660 mcg of acid Saturday and looked at this picture with â€œEuphoriaâ€plastered on it. I also took MDMA and had that â€œeverything is perfectâ€sensation. This is a pretty dank poem I wrote at work while I was bored. My vision of this poem is of glass walls parting and containing the sea, like an aquarium. Ravens perch atop these walls flowing blood below.
<Poem>
--Doublethink--
A whisper in the wind called to me.
Through fog and ice it pierced to see,
My world shall soon cease to be.
Yielding no mercy its wings unfurled,
Swaggering high a vengeance swirled.
A parting in the mist,
A break of the sea,
An abruption of the list,
The dissolution of me.
Diluted, atomic strains,
Pressing my forsaken name.
Shattering its glass upon the ground,
My final rest lay here, all the same.
Condemned to peace, free to cease.
Resolved to solace, yearning for blood,
Time shall open my greatest flood.
Igniting the drowned world,
Fastening the broken chains,
Lacerating my past with dying pains.
There is only blood in my sight.
Fading to black, fading to white,
Fading to nothing, fading to all.
My comrades, my enemies,
You are all doomed to fall.
My hand brings death in its gust,
Seething its heart is void of lust.
Immolation of all inside,
Burn them all, they lied!
Ashes spring deathless ravens anew,
Perching their mighty glass walls in few,
Flowing scarlet tears into the wild blue.
Chemical rains forever furnish my eyes,
I wish I could say there is no hope left to die.
Summer 2017: 900 mg DXM; amazing visuals, colors everywhere, great euphoria, saw two TV's in the living room of ZBT and two ethernet cables along my wall. I remember seeing random splotches of color EVERYWHERE across my entire field of vision, but they were comprised of only shades of green and blue. Strange.
June 7, 2017: Iâ€™m making a website at josephcantrell.org. I shall put this poem there, a memorial page for the dead, and an explanation of myself and my ideas in an about page. Also to be included are my various works throughout my life and my resume.
June 23, 2017: Ordered stuff from the darkweb and made a Unity game called Joseph Jump. The website is complete!
July 10, 2017: Took all 250 mg of 2C-E I had (not at once). It was great. I remember seeing lots of scary menacing objects. On a 40 mg trip with Graeme I saw his arm explode into a million metal shards like something out of Black Ops 3 as time seemed to stand still (likely from epinephrine/adrenaline). Lots of rainbows. The purple lights looked like a white, pink, red, and blue supernova. I felt the most beautiful euphoric tingling sensation across my whole body, although at first I thought I was cold. 2C-E is a great substance. I just smoked the last of it. Rolled the weed up in it and smoked it. It came on fast but also is disappearing fast. I just saw a rainbow face in my reddit screen however.
<Retrospective> 2/17/22: Smoking 2C-E isn't very efficient. I should have eaten it, but I was in a very strange point of depression in my life due to ADHD. This was my only time ever being depressed, and it was because of ADHD and my faltering neurons.
July 13, 2017: Tried S-ketamine and holed for the first time today. I insufflated 100 mg, then 80, 30, 125, then 277. After that I holed. There was an intense sensory overload: intense buzzing of my vision, bodily feelings, and hearing, like I was a rattling bush. And then I could do nothing but watch. All sense of "me" vanished without a trace. I saw millionvision (like doublevision). I saw so many god damn TVâ€™s! And then the world spun over multiple times as gravity seemed to change so rapidly! It was like I was riding the Batman at Six Flags the way the forces on my body were flipping. The anesthetic properties were very pronounced as well. I went through a black void full of rainbow structures and kaleidoscopic visions. Time seemed to oscillate along with my speed through this void: mach speed to almost absolute zero. Time seemed to slow to a crawl and I saw faces of dead pets and animals that I know. It was like I had put on the one ring from The Lord of the Rings, but the ghosts I saw were shinier, whiter, and in a black void looking down on me and getting closer and speaking words of praise but inaudible. I saw my mother and Honey. I don't remember the others. It was very intense. More intense than any psychedelic Iâ€™ve taken. Immediately after I blacked back in, walking was very difficult and I fell over trying to put one foot in front of the other. There's not much left to write; it was mostly over in less than 30 minutes. At night I insufflated about 250 mg and it got me very high with intense vibrations and a bushes rustling sound, but I did not hole. As soon as I insufflated the last of the ketamine, a river of blood came from my nose all over the one dollar bill and living room table at ZBT. However, it didn't hurt and I felt really good with a huge grin on my face!
July 25, 2017: A week ago or so I tried 10 mg DOM, at T+11:30 100 mcg LSD, and at T+13:00 about 60-70mg of ketamine. It was great, I listened to music the whole time and hung out with people. Iâ€™ve finished my website and itâ€™s mobile version. Iâ€™ve started making a Donald Trump game. Iâ€™ve got a preliminary sprite and learned to make animations and use Illustrator. I tried 5-meo-mipt and itâ€™s a really dope psychedelic. Itâ€™s very stimulating but it can be very psychedelic at high doses. I hit up this girl Dizney I met at a metal concert while on 20 mg 2C-T-2 (second experience with the drug), but sheâ€™s seeing someone right now. :/ She was really cute and a Game Development/CS major. I canâ€™t wait to see Sabrina again; sheâ€™s so attractive. She seems so open-minded too. I want to get to know her more! Iâ€™m so bored, chasing ways to get high. Drugs, girls, games, food, sweet tea, tv, talking, weightlifting. I can sit alone with my thoughts like this and be happy. But being anti-social equals extra work according to me and Kendrick Lamar. I am the hunger of the void. And what I want most right now is Sabrina. :)
August 4, 2017: LOL my previous entryâ€™s ending. Although I do still like Sabrina. Just updated the website to look better. Changed the cards and the image slider buttons. At work and bored. I canâ€™t wait to hang out with Sabrina and get fucked up with her. I wonder if she fancies me. I hope so but as always it doesnâ€™t matter in the end.
<Retrospective> August 5, 2017: I ate 10 hits of LSD and played a bunch of CoD: Black Ops II. I then went tubing for 2 hours with bros and girls from ZBT after Wes persuaded me (I almost didn't go because I didn't want to hang out outside so much). Then I went to Golden Corral and ate a bunch of food, following which I took some preworkout and did my normal workout routine listening to All That Remains while some ZBT people from out of state were hanging out.
August 7, 2017: This is interview practice. Iâ€™m at work but fuck work Iâ€™m going to talk to myself.
1. Tell me about yourself. Iâ€™m a Computer Science student living in Atlanta, Georgia attending the Georgia Institute of Technology. Iâ€™ve been studying CS for over three years now and have been building a portfolio to market my skills to employers such as yourself. My current development interest is mobile games.
2. What is your dream job? My dream job is one in which I do what I love - moving at my own pace.
3. My memory isnâ€™t photographic so to accomplish tasks I need frequent visits to reference materials.
4. What are your strengths? I can learn anything that has ever been learned and create new knowledge myself. My strength is my malleability.
5. Why should we hire you? Iâ€™m willing and able to get the job done and code whatever you need.
6. Do you consider yourself successful? Yes; Iâ€™m always successful irrespective of anything else in the world.
7. How long would you expect to work for us? As long as the sun shines for us.
8. Do you think you are overqualified? No, I think I am just the right fit for the job.
9. What is your philosophy toward work? I reap what I sow.
10. When will you feel successful in this job? Immediately.
11. How do you see yourself five years from now? Successful. Exactly how so it is impossible for me to say.
12. How do you handle criticism? However it can be used to better my world.
August 13, 2017: I took DXM and Diphenhydramine. Itâ€™s great. I took 900 mg Delsym extended release and 660 mg Benadryl. Tripping on it rn. I went to pet Sparky and missed because I pet right through what looked like Sparky next to my bed. It was an illusory Sparky. I saw like five of them appear at once. Very interesting!
I wrote that part while I was tripping because I was so enthralled with the illusion. I actually impulsively made the decision to also trip on DPH while only 45 minutes into the come up of the extended release DXM. I felt very confident and had read up on the combo a bit without trying it yet. I smoked weed the whole trip for effect enhancement as I always do with every substance.
Near the start of the trip I had millionvision in the TV where the TV was segmented into a matrix with each cell showing a different scenario. The matrix was up to 10x10 and changed very rapidly. This is an incredible psychedelic ethereal euphoric experience. I had Kendrick Lamarâ€™s Pride song stuck in my head the whole time ha ha ha. My pillow looked like an IDE scrolling real code I've written, then it was a red RGB keyboard with which I could type. Looking at my pillow keyboard was very entrancing. I felt like a kid seeing something for the first time. It also felt like I was in a lucid dream. I smoked a bowl from my dope ass purple pipe but in reality I was just lying in bed. Relived some memories and stuff. Itâ€™s very hazy. While trying to sleep, I saw and could hear semi-transparent wires (whips) chaotically moving around for a while in the center of my vision, and if I closed my eyes I could imagine anything. Literally anything.
Jalen admitted he stole from me. Heâ€™s gone to New York but Iâ€™m not fucking with him anymore. I know just who Jalen is. A con-artist. Lyric: Got no elbows, all outta grease. I must say despite Jalen I quite enjoyed the experience and the afterglow. It was one of the best days Iâ€™ve had in a long time (the day after, August 14).
<Retrospective> 2/26/22: The next day, I felt very heavy like I had extra gravity impacting my whole body. Every step took extra effort, but I helped paint the walls of ZBT for rush week.
August 25, 2017: I hung out with Sabrina and it seems she isnâ€™t attracted to me. We tried MDA together. It was incredible. When she touched me my mind just melted (in the best way possible). Thatâ€™s fine. Maybe one day that will change. It doesnâ€™t matter. As for now, my current avenue is Hyun(sp?). Iâ€™ma find this girl and talk to her. I tried DOC today. Quite the marvelous experience. I saw a rainbow waterfall falling off my desk. I saw dragons with my eyes closed (hydras mostly). Thought a lot. Light my ass under a money pyre, spit this game til it run dire. Pull away these ocean tentacles, and free my soul to the highest fuckinâ€™ pinnacles. Fuck. Lol that was fun.
September 1, 2017? (rectroactive): I took 7.7 mg DOC, thinking my tolerance from acid the day before would make a difference. It did not. During the peak I had blue lightning shooting down my skin, notably on my arms, coupled with great euphoria. I took 8 hits of good LSD 8 hours into the trip, and tripped on that until T+24:00. I could feel both drugs at the same time, and it was great. I did a ton of whippets when I peaked on both these drugs, and I had some of the best euphoria in my life. My whole body shook with a wavelength that felt like a meter, coupled with euphoria so incredible I had my eyes closed and I jumped into the air with joy. I tripped for 36 hours total. I saw shadow people from amphetamine psychosis when I was going to sleep, which was uncomfortable. However, I had a good time until about T+34:00 when the psychosis visuals came on. I noticed the distinct taste of plastic imbued to the very air at around the 8th hour mark, just like my previous trip.
September 5, 2017: Sabrina is so flaky; oh well. I tried DMT and it felt like a full body orgasm. The best part was when a big booty rainbow girl was twerking in my face and it became more and more real until it was like I was at a strip club with a real girl. She flew a peace sign and disappeared through a door. It was crazy. It felt so good. Iâ€™m going to ask Hayeon out to coffee as soon as I get a chance. If anything, through Facebook. I gotta lick boy I gotta lick. I had to park the purple Lamborghini. And I gotta ask out the most attractive girl in the room! Wow. Sheâ€™s so pretty. Iâ€™m smitten I must say. I want to get to know her more! Iâ€™ve started trading digital currency. I think I can make significant profit in this area if I diversify my portfolio into marginal and long-term investment.
September 9, 2017: Lyric: My main thought (thot). Iâ€™m putting finishing touches on my website before applying to jobs. Iâ€™ve been hallucinating for a while now. All the time. I see masks a lot. I saw my world explode vaporize into blades like a porcupine while on the side steps at ZBT smoking, and I was only on weed. I wonder if Iâ€™m actually losing my mind. I hope not but thereâ€™s nothing I can do so fuck it, fuck em two at a time.
September 21, 2017: I went to music midtown with josh, james, ian, and wartofsky and it was incredible. I took cough syrup and acid and saw Big Sean, Tove Lo (tits to the crowd!), Wiz Khalifa, and Bruno Mars. Bruno Mars would be great to bring a girl to. Wiz Khalifa was dope as fuck, he lit up blunts on stage. I smoked a joint when he came on too. Molly, Molly! Iâ€™m on MDA right now. Iâ€™m going to stick to a schedule. Iâ€™ve gotta play my habits right. Iâ€™m going to go to class to make it so I have to study less. Really though, Iâ€™m going to go to class and seek out a pretty girl and talk to her. My primary focus right now is to get a job and a girlfriend, respectively. Yea.
September 26, 2017: I still wake up every day with suicidal thoughts for hours on end. Fuck that shit. I took Vyvanse for the 3rd day in a row now. I hope this works. Iâ€™m going to the career fair soon. I hope that works too. Fuck everything.
October 1, 2017: Wow Iâ€™ve been very paranoid and feeling depressed lately. Adderall XR was very different from Vyvanse. Methylphenidate was worse than being sober. My whole body ached. Vyvanse doesnâ€™t quite work the way I want it to. It makes me really want to read but does not prevent me from having to reread something for minutes at a time. I think Adderall is definitely the way to go. Irrespective, being sober is definitely not the way to go right now. Vyvanse is better than sobriety for furthering my goals. Iâ€™m winning. I just turned in my completed CX 4140 assignment. Iâ€™m going to attend every single class because my current strategy isnâ€™t working well in most of these courses. But honestly, I think thatâ€™s just because my ADHD is interfering with everything. Itâ€™s hard to focus. Oh well. Iâ€™ve got an appointment to get a prescription. First, Iâ€™ve got a phone interview. That should be awesome. Iâ€™m going to look to the future. It can be great if I build good habits with the right drugs! Iâ€™m willing to try SSRI drugs but Iâ€™d like that to be my last resort.
October 4, 2017: Ordered more amphetamine and other drugs. I really just want the amphetamine. My focusing problems are getting out of hand. Itâ€™s genuinely making my life too difficult. Purple light on top of white though!
<<Amplified Oscillations>>
<amp day><Retrospective> October 9, 2017: I took amphetamine after getting it from the post office at Georgia Tech. It changed my life. I contemplated killing my friends at a retreat the previous day, and I remember Anna worrying about me while I played with my red knife I used to declog bowls of weed. Whatever. I needed that amp. I was actually in a state of total disaster after taking MDA for the first time, and then doing it again the next day with Sabrina before going on this trip. It was horrible. I remember eating a cheeseburger and it tasted like nothing. I felt dead on the inside from my ADHD coming up and the DOUBLE MDA HANGOVER. Sombitch lol. That day with Sabrina and the MDA was when she slapped me as a joke and asked if it was okay. She slapped me repeatedly, and hard enough to make my ears ring. She did it as some sort of a test of my worthiness or some bullshit. Fuck that shit.
October 14, 2017: Itâ€™s a laughing reaper angel death king wielding a scythe scepter. And a skull. Itâ€™s an angel of death. Iâ€™m on 25i-nboh. The remains of my four day ketamine usage on the table look like this. Itâ€™s beautiful! The amphetamine is working brilliantly. It is a slow but sure comeup from where Iâ€™ve been. But I am watching it all unfold with my own eyes. I can make anything happen. I saw a family of rainbow raccoons and a bear in my powered off television.
October 16, 2017: Itâ€™s 5:11 am and I canâ€™t sleep from this amphetamine. The amphetamines are definitely working, and I am improving more and more. Iâ€™m feeling better every day. Iâ€™m more talkative, and I want to do more things. Itâ€™s great.
October 18, 2017: I k-holed again and my whole vision transformed into a planet sized blue sphere â€“ my world. I floated over it for an unknown amount of time before it fragmented into pieces. Itâ€™s very hard to remember the experience; I was blacked out. Iâ€™m debating whether or not to go to my class today. I need to start doing things again. My habits have become misaligned. I must redirect my focus to attending class and school regularly. This will ensure I maintain develop good personality habits as well. Sitting at my desk and sniffing ketamine does not help me engage much with others. Talking to others in my work environment and in my classes will help me build good social habits like conversation skills and posture. Iâ€™ve taken ketamine the past eight days straight and Iâ€™m going to stop today. I feel as if I have ketamine withdrawal; Iâ€™m scratching at places all over my body. I feel spaced out and I really want to get more fucked up on ketamine. My stomach also hurts slightly. Iâ€™m going to stop using ketamine for a while. I must email the federal work study supervisor back. I donâ€™t know what to say. Why havenâ€™t I worked all this time?
October 22, 2017: Iâ€™m remembering a fuckton of shit from my childhood I didnâ€™t remember. Itâ€™s fucked. I wanted to kill myself when I was a kid. I prayed to God I was going to die when I was little. I was going to shoot myself with Bruceâ€™s gun. I was going to go shoot up the mean gang kids in the neighborhood. Then they found it missing, freaked out, and then I forgot all about it. What. I forgot a lot of things. I remember thinking of inhaling shit under the sink. I remember this. I didn't do it thankfully. Iâ€™ma build good habits. Listening to this Asking Alexandria album also just brought back a lot of childhood memories I forgot. Like, I wanted to die after killing my dog by accident. I was sadistically enjoying her torture. And then I learned she died and was forever gone and I felt horrified. I think that caused a lot of Freudian forgets. (//retroactive: this is wrong) I think this 3-meo-pcp really fucking helped me! Iâ€™ma build good habits! I should look fondly of all my memories. Even this one. My past is but one thing I can appreciate. Why does this end this wayyyyyyyyyyaaaaayyyayayayayayayaayayayaayayayayay?
October 26, 2017: Iâ€™m on 3-MEO-PCP. I have lots of suicidal thoughts. On and off drugs. This is where Iâ€™m starting. Weâ€™re building a brand new city here. Right here. My entire body is vibrating. My head is swirling around. Damn thing keeps on spinning. Iâ€™m spinning. Iâ€™m an angel. An angel of death. I am Joseph Cantrell. Iâ€™ve written a lot of shit, but I gave up. WElll. Now I odnâ€™t give up. I may be fucked up. But. My goal is to build good habits. I hoped this 3MEOPCP would mitigate my depression. However, I am drugs. AR LEGION. I AM LEGION. I R LEGION. AR LEGION. NIGGA. I just want to feel good. I was losing hope in this world. But now Iâ€™ve found my master. It is me. Ya nigga. Every goddamn day. Fuck.
I see things out of the corners of my eyes. Reapers. Demons. Masks. Iâ€™ve hallucinated before. But! Iâ€™m the motherfucking judge. Itâ€™s good. Thatâ€™s all that matters. Nothing else matters. Fuck them other niggas cause Iâ€™m down for my niggas. Well. I can be happy. I can enjoy things. I can enjoy things. I need drugs to enjoy things. Iâ€™ve proven this to myself. GOD HATES US ALL. Yeah, he fucking hates me. I hate me. I love me. I oscillate between these two states too often. Love, Hate, Apathy. I only love myself if I have the right drugs. Iâ€™m a slave. Welcome to my slave new world. Iâ€™m a master sinner. My nigga. ME. I. YAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Damn. I just want to stand up and scream! AR LEGION. Iâ€™m also General Sherman, here to burn this city to the ground and march to shore.
October 28, 2017: Iâ€™m moving out of ZBT. Everyone is a manipulative fuck. Iâ€™ma find new people. 10 mg at 9. 10 more at 10:30ish. That drank gone kill you. Gotta be careful! Watch ya step! Iâ€™m not going away and neither are you. Iâ€™m losing my mind. Iâ€™m screwed up. Iâ€™m doing well. I gotta say: Never faget, we all pretty!
October 29, 2017: People Iâ€™ve lost: Paula Cantrell, Patricia Ann Cantrell, Tammy Riddle, Carol Denham, Paul Cantrell, Bonell Love(?). Pets Iâ€™ve lost: Traveler, Precious, Tinkerbell, Dixie, weiner dog, Rex, Summer, Saphira, Honey. Today is the day my mom died. Iâ€™m watching The Boondocks. I feel way better now that Iâ€™m on these amphetamines. 3-MEO-PCP is doing the job too. Iâ€™m leaving ZBT soon. Iâ€™m moving into an apartment! When I took 3-MEO-PCP yesterday with 480 mcg of LSD I felt vasoconstricted in my toes. So, I jogged in place. It felt sooooo good and it was like I was running through time. I ran through my past, seeing my mom waving to me on the side, running down my neighborhood seeing my neighbors outside looking at me. It was so realistic but everyone was also outlined in rainbows. Independent scenes were smoothly transitioning and I ran through my past until I blacked out. It felt like I was enhancing my brain's power. Jogging in place also removed the vasoconstriction. Pushups and body squats were also great. I saw a beautiful phoenix, and I spread angel wings that were pointed at the tips like blades, and very shiny. It was beautiful. I saw a naked girl in Ianâ€™s empty bed, formed out of the clutter on it.
November 1, 2017: Iâ€™m progressing well with the amphetamines. Itâ€™s been 18 days now! Iâ€™m cutting ties with fuck niggers and Iâ€™m going to focus on hanging out with people who like to do the things I do, like shooter games and drugs. Iâ€™m going to spread my gospel as soon as I perfect it. Itâ€™s going to take more time and more experience under the influence of amphetamine. I want to get with Sabrina, and sheâ€™s hinted she doesnâ€™t like her current boyfriend. Iâ€™ve just got to show her Iâ€™m the best. But most importantly, I know Iâ€™m the best, and Iâ€™m going to go prove it.
November 3, 2017: Iâ€™ve applied for housing at the Solace apartments. At 8 pm I took 2 hits of acid and 15 mg of 3-Meo-PCP. At 10:38 I took another 15 mg. At 12:33 I ingested another 15 mg.
November 4, 2017: I took 150 mg MDA, 1 tab LSD, 10 mg 3-MeO-PCP, then and a ton of 3-meo-pcp throughout the night. The whole day was crazy. I was blacked out for 5 hours til T+6:00. I listened to Window of My Eyes by Boozie Badazz the whole time and it was amazEng, gotta say. I opened the window of my eyes. I floated through a blue nebula filled with lightning. It felt like I spent years in a prison; these were super realistic hallucinations with my eyes closed. I saw a repeating fractal pattern of rainbow angels of death and reapers in my pillow. It was beautiful. Everything was holographic and translucent. It was the best open eye visuals Iâ€™ve ever had. Still Life page titled with Câ€™est La Vie.
November 8, 2017: Thereâ€™s a lot of succubi here. Itâ€™s chill. Iâ€™m disconnecting from them all. Theyâ€™re not worth my time.
November 10, 2017: Iâ€™m on 3 hits of acid. I took 15 mg 3-meo-pcp at 6 pm. I took 15 mg 3-meo-pcp at 10 pm again! I even felt Lil Boosieâ€™s Window of My Eyes when I was trying to document my use of drugs. He did the same shit haha. Itâ€™s a good song. I wanna make my own anthem. Iâ€™m my own mothafuckin movie. Lol. Iâ€™m becoming more conscientious slowly. My recreational drug use detracts from that, but I refuse to give it up! Iâ€™ll continue to rise as long as I restrict my usage to the weekend. Good things are transpiring! I see 3d letters everywhere. Iâ€™m finna sniff this at 10:04. Lol. I saw the 3D rainbow face of a tiger in my window. When I took this drug combination, it was like I was tripping through time. My feet would get cold, so I would run in place. It was like I was running through my past with full open eyed visuals of my driveway, people, and everything. Very realistic. I always wanted to make my mom an atheist. It never happened. I remembered getting my ass beat by my mom and Bruce with a belt. I remember Bruce kicked me. I remember Bruce grabbed me by my throat and slammed me against the wall up off the ground. I remember Amanda almost drowning me by holding me underwater. I remember almost drowning while my mom was getting drunk. I remember my mom screaming for me to leave her alone a lot. She was really depressed. Like, damn. I wish I couldâ€™ve helped her. Oh well. I can still help myself. Itâ€™s the only thing that matters! My wellbeing depends in kind on the wellbeing of those around me. I wrote 80,000 words in Krelzorâ€™s Quest, a bottom to the top rpg-style quest of total ascension. I realized my character development was flawed compared to others. Now I realize characters are difficult to manifest. Iâ€™m no character though. Iâ€™m still alive. I remember I wanted to kill myself and I had a knife to my throat and my mom told me to do it, and I realized death was futile as well and controlled my impulsivity. I remember the time the power, water, and heat were off for 3 months was pure hell. I completed my schoolwork as normal, but I was dying on the inside that whole time. But I made it through and just played Call of Duty with my bro Rosa the rest of high school. I remember I asked where the proof for all of this was at Camp Joy, a Christian brainwashing camp. The teenage girl said, unnerved, â€œThe bible is proof.â€Then I realized it was a lie. Circular reasoning. I was maybe 5 years old. I remember believing I was being held at gunpoint for an hour when that black kid said he was going to shoot Joshâ€™s dog. I remember Josh trying to enslave me. He shot me with his airsoft gun and threatened to shoot me more if I didnâ€™t do what he said. I remember Devante throwing a rock at me, calling me cracker, and pretending to beat the shit out of me. I remember watching him smoking walking down the street. His house got raided by the police in front of my eyes when I was about 13 and at the bus stop. I remember seeing a gang of about 30 guys walk really slow down my street, like theyâ€™re prowling, all in white undershirts and black basketball shorts, all matching. Meh. Thatâ€™s all in the past. Iâ€™m Joseph Cantrell, and thatâ€™s part of me too.
November 14, 2017: Theyâ€™re trying to make me move out tomorrow. I have 30 days as a tenant and about 14 left. So, Iâ€™m good. After 5 weeks of being medicated I just had a problem reading a sentence for at least a minute again. Adderall has two 3 more salts than just the amphetamine sulfate Iâ€™m taking so I assume itâ€™ll be superior. Iâ€™m getting 10 mg Adderall XR tomorrow after my physical.
November 16, 2017: I tried Xanax for the first time last night at 8:15 or so. I did it again at 9:30. I think it was about 1 mg but my scale is fucked up. Well, later I took 3 lines of Xanax up the nose. I woke up this morning feeling awful. I texted Anna a bunch and completely forgot about it. I woke up still blacked out, took my amphetamine, got a haircut, and then I blacked in mid-sentence in Jordan's room. I was actually telling Jordan something about my experience and telling him I was giving him all 63 mg left of the Alprazolam powder. I did weird things out of order in my head and things I normally wouldnâ€™t do when cooking a hot pocket. I did this whole day on autopilot. I was there but not there. Itâ€™s hard to recall most of the day too. It flew by like a blur. Xanax is the drug of the devil, and the bad kind. I donâ€™t ever want to try Xanax again. I would only do Xanax again if I ran out of options. Itâ€™s up there with alcohol and cocaine. I hate all three of those drugs. Well, itâ€™s time to smoke some weed and play some R6S! 24 hours later, 8:30 pm, I still canâ€™t pass the walk in a straight line sobriety test. I can type mostly well but I keep making mistakes I canâ€™t really account for. Like, I just typed cb instead of cc in accountant.
November 20, 2017: Iâ€™ve moved into my new apartment. When I moved out with Sabrina's help I was seeimg the letter A textured over everything. I've still been hallucinating without drugs. I took 360 mcg LSD and 30 mg 3-MEO-PCP. This is the next day. Iâ€™m on 2 mg 25i-nboh, 120 mcg LSD, 30 mg 3-MEO-PCP, and a small amount of 5-MEO-MIPT. Iâ€™m tripping balls. I saw a smiley face in the light outside. Iâ€™m peaking right now. I just made 288 dollars from my Ethereum investment.
<Retrospective> The river of variations of the black letter A flowed down the carpet of the hallway so smoothly I marveled at them with Sabrina, and I felt delighted to be leaving ZBT and improving my health situation with ADHD. I don't recall seeing the gray and black ground alterations again until my strange solo experiment with meth in March 4, 2021. I never saw anything like that as a kid either.
November 21, 2017: Itâ€™s my birthday. I took 240 mcg LSD, 18 mg 5-MEO-MIPT, and what 3-MEO-PCP I had left. Itâ€™s a great feeling! Iâ€™m going to order more amphetamine, DOM, MDMA, and 3-MEO-PCP. These along with LSD are my favorite drugs! I edited my resume and website while on these drugs. I created drop down menus. The euphoria I felt in my head on completing that JavaScript drop down menu for my website was incredible. It was like a vibrating ping that went off in my mid-right brain area.
November 28, 2017: I got really fucked up this past week. Iâ€™m about to order more stuff. This guy is offering me a computer science contract job. Iâ€™m going to call him. He seems like heâ€™s a drug dealer shuffling his money into various businesses though. I looked him up and I couldnâ€™t find anything about the police. Heâ€™s got at least three businesses under his name, and one making $500,000 in revenue with him as the sole employee.
December 2, 2017: Iâ€™ve applied to 28 jobs and have one interview scheduled in 5 days!
December 7, 2017: The career fair in late January is my best job bet. Iâ€™m sure to get a job there. I got 7 g MDMA recently. This is my third day in a row on it. Iâ€™ve been supplementing carefully with 5HTP with good results. Ainâ€™t no way but to slay, so go on ahead: REIGN!
December 8, 2017: I took 250 mg MDMA today. This is my fourth day taking MDMA and LSD in a row. I inhaled four cartridges of N20 and I saw a beautiful rainbow hand. Iâ€™m determined to date this girl Audrina.
December 10, 2017: Sending my resume to 40 companies and posting my site to Facebook I achieved an average of 3 page views per visitor, Â½ of my total content.
December 11, 2017: 400 mg of 5-HTP with 225 mg MDMA was stronger vs 300 mg of 5-HTP with 250 mg MDMA done the previous day.
December 17, 2017: Iâ€™ve been working with Sama Doh on the secureus app. Iâ€™m creating a MongoDB database. I asked Audrina to hang out but forgot to ask her to dinner. I get so high when Iâ€™m around her; my body floods with chemicals and itâ€™s lit! She said she would let me know. Iâ€™m hopeful. I just took MDMA 10 days in a row and took over 750 mg tonight. Whew. I had an MDA trip into the afternoon too.
<Retrospective> I experienced brain zaps after doing about 750 mg of MDMA this night (weighed and wrapped in tortillas because I had no gel caps). I really felt the MDA metabolite kick in and keep me up through the next day. It felt like I had taken like 30-40 mg of MDA. Anyway, all that MDMA definitely wasn't the best idea. It felt like my brain sheered to the left coupled with my vision doing the same thing. My field of vision just teleported kinda like on dissos, and I felt a dysphoric movement to the left at the top of my head. I was reckless, and I could have died, but I had a pretty high tolerance from doing MDMA every day for a bit (not suggested).
December 26, 2017: I bought a $1,000 white German Shepherd and named him Breezy. I bought $40 of heroin from a dude on the street corner. I took 200 mg MDMA and 65 mg heroin and Iâ€™m having a bad time. I have intense visuals when I close my eyes, Iâ€™m very nauseous, unbalanced, dizzy, and very hot. Iâ€™m overall dysphoric with some short bursts of euphoria. My heart rate is 70 instead of 100 too. Iâ€™ve puked twice. But, Iâ€™m G.
December 31, 2017: I used about 75 mg of heroin and 750 mg DPH. Iâ€™m tripping balls and saw a for real Pikachu under my desk in the dark. Nitrous is great with it. I holed and had an ego death sitting on my bed listening to Boosie Badazzâ€™s Window of My Eyes, my favorite song right now. Then I faded to centered rainbow skull that enveloped my mindâ€™s eye. Here comes the DMT! I then saw a rainbow face in my desk that looked very real. I saw the Sawmov again and got into it sometimes, but other times I thought the acting was horrible. Breezy pissed on my carpet 7 times in one day a few days ago. My plan is to scold him and send him to the cage when he does any high crimes such as this. Then he will be allowed the living room the next day, and following good behavior Breezy will sleep in my room. Following more good behavior, he will be allowed to sleep on my bed and stay there unsupervised by me.
January 3, 2018: Breezy is still peeing in here. Heâ€™s in his cage jail now. I tried sniffing about a gram of â€œ3-MEO-PCPâ€and it appears to be either 2% potency or honestly it could be anything. It smelled like almonds and solvent when I got it. 5.5 g. Iâ€™ve done about a gram I think. Fuck it Iâ€™ma do more. Iâ€™m so bored. I feel a girlfriend will ease my woes and bolster my joy. I know this is so. Everyone doubts me though. Even me. Well fuck it. Iâ€™m going to sniff this line of 287 mg of white mystery powder. Iâ€™m calling out to the mayne, impatient I gotta wait, I know he come when he want but I need him to come today. That song hits harder than anything Iâ€™ve ever heard. Except for me. The song cannot strike me down; I cast the stones at myself. What am I to do, envelop myself with flowers, pop music, and ketamine? No, flowers, ketamine, and Boosie Badazz. Iâ€™ve come so far these past 85 days taking dextro and levo amphetamine 1-3 times per day. However, today is my worst day since then. And Iâ€™ve stayed up all night multiple times before, even after binging MDMA. Why? I donâ€™t know. Thereâ€™s nothing to do but move forward, one way or another. /* <Retrospective> I jacked off for 12 hours straight on this "3-MeO-PCP". I think this was actually weak 4-MeO-PCP, but it was definitely NOT 3-MeO-PCP */
January 4, 2018: I stayed up all night. I last took another dose at 12 pm, then chilled for a while. Took an Addy. At about 9 pm I started getting high from the 3-MEO-PCP again, even higher than I ever did the previous night. Everything points to this being at least a legit PCP derivative. I donâ€™t feel as stimulated as I remember feeling, and the insufflated dosages Iâ€™m taking are too high for not much effect. I decided it was time to open the window of my eyes and try taking the 3meo orally. I took 30 mg 3-MEO-PCP, then 25, then 40, then 35, then 25 over the course of 4 hours, for a total of 155 mg so far. Iâ€™ll still be coming up for 1.5 hours, but I see color trails moving everywhere and my computer screen looked like a cartoon house for a second while I was typing this! I feel like GOD. Sex on this drug would be great. I must combine it with MDMA! With MDA it was great, so I expect more greatness. I smoked DMT so maybe thatâ€™s why I have more visuals right now!
January 6, 2018: I stayed up all night Jan. 4 too. I stayed up for 60-62 hours. I wrote this on my website but I am retracting it for now:
Since birth, I have lived with prominent <a href='https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd/index.shtml' target='_blank'>ADHD</a>, a condition causing my body to under-employ its dopamine and noreprinephrine systems.&nbsp
This causes a sharp decrease in motivation and attentiveness, respectively.&nbsp&nbspI stopped taking my medication at age 11 because my symptoms had gradually conditioned away and I was a model student.&nbsp
It was not easy to see this, but that is the single worst decision I have ever made.&nbsp
Slowly over the next ten years I loosely watched myself drift from unmatched determination in everything I fervently sought to a complete reduction and devaluation of everything I barely beheld.&nbsp
By the end, every day began with hours of my mental take on Spike's TV show 10000 Ways to Die before I escaped my bed.&nbsp&nbspI could not simply relinquish my mind and focus on other tasks.&nbsp
In my mind, these alternatives did not exist.&nbsp&nbspI was trapped in my mind with only one possible fixation to captivate my neurotransmitter depleted brain's attention.&nbsp
If your self-evaluation seems ever out of reach, I highly recommend acquiring a psychiatric evaluation to determine if you have ADHD; the consequences are all too real.&nbsp
You may swallow these words 4 eternity: I will never behold such a place in my mind while the sun shines today!
January 11, 2018: I rode MARTA and tried to buy Adderall on the street. This nigga hustled me out $140. Fuck it, Iâ€™ma find the A somewhere. I tried 25, 25, 35 mg DCK and it was nice but wayyy too nauseating. I have to keep the dosages lower. It works best in combination with other drugs. I walked my dog and it was like I was on autopilot. 3-MEO-PCP > Adderall > DCK > Xanax.
January 14, 2018: God damn it, Iâ€™m God, damn it. Iâ€™m relapsing to ADHD. I can't read again when I'm withdrawing on amphetamine. Iâ€™m going to grind for this amphetamine sulphate. Itâ€™s going down. Up. You know what I mean. Me. My favorite bit string is 101010 = 42.
January 14, 2018: I'm going to straight up text file here because I don't trust Microsoft Word. Meat was made to be cooked. Nah mean?
January 17, 2018: I feel like I've been liberated from Auschwitz; I sipped a bite of Adderall 2 seconds ago about one minute ago since I had to write this! I think I accelerated my resurrection from Anne Frank to Joseph Richard Cantrell AKA AR Legion using my AK47 Adderall 30mg and DCK titrationishition, like tItRAtIoN-ISh(DcK)-(ShIt)I(GNI)tIoN! +ARLEGION Wow that's my favorite thing I've ever come up with. Breezy can tell I'm hungry! That's so dope! Breezy can sense things about me I can't, and also things I noramlly can but can't dissociated! Breezy dissociates when he knows something's wrong. Wow. So did everyone around me. So did I! I'm me myself, and I! I must not use dissociative drugs when I need to maintain my government image; I tell on myself! Lol thanks Lil Boosie but it was me myself and I. Rainbow Phoenix.
January 18, 2018: I recently got my first dog myself, a fluffy German Shepherd named Breezy. Some people, including my cousin Hayden, were scared of dogs. An aggressive breed can be conditioned. Nonaggressive breeds can be conditioned to synergize for collective benefit. This is why marginal capitalism with a safety net is better than pure communism. I learned all of this myself with the help of mankind's best invention, the interwebs! (internet!) The Slayer circle is an example of metaphorical titration with spikes to rise. I pray to me, God, you run in the right direction! Learn good punctuation and the rest will follow because you will know to find it yourself.\&nbsp&nbspMy first dog Tinkerbell is an example of what my affliction, ADHD and boredom, creates. I know what happened. It's going to be pretty hard to convince me to do something like that again.
Janauary 19, 2018: DCK < 3-MEO-PCP which is the best.
January 30, 2018: I'm going to ask out this girl from my 3790 class. If that fails, I'll ask Maddy from my 4001 class. If that fails, I've always got the other two classes! Everyone in my CS 4001 class is fucking with me, even the professor. They're trying to tell me who I am or see how I interpret metaphors about myself or Maddy, the cute girl with whom I conversed. Fuck the haters!
February 10, 2018: Notes for CX 4220
Speedup(parallel algorithm) = run-time of best sequential algorithm / run-time of parallel algorithm
Speedup(p) = T(n, 1) / T(n, p)
Efficiency(p) = S(p) / p
February 12, 2018: People everywhere are still playing games with me. It's frustrating. I want to dig a hole. I'm going on a pet strike to stop my dog Breezy from playing with the stupid spoiled whore playset I bought him. I am accommodating his reward tiers. Solace on Peachtree, including the management, employees, and Sama Doh, have been fucking with me. If I die, investigate these bitch ass niggas.
Multiprocessor algorithm efficiency is the speedup(p processors) / p, which shows total energy (Joules usually, but algorithmic steps with unit of work done equivalent to one in this case) is distributed perfectly with an efficiency of 1. Iconic, echoic, and haptic memory are short working memories of the visual, auditory, and touch senses. My goal is to see if LSD and 3-MEO-PCP may be the best daily tool for my ADHD.
February 19, 2018: Amphetamine starts to play mind games with me. It's not pleasant, but I have to focus my attention well with something every so often or I'll lose control of my mind.
<amp quit day> <Retrospective> February 21, 2018: I don't remember anything about this day at all.
<Retrospective> February 23, 2018: I only remember holding the back of my head whilst on my knees and feeling a jackhammer plunging into the back of my brain for about a minute straight. This was the most intense pain of my life.
February 24. 2018: I last took amphetamine on the 21st. I feel better already. Liberated! I'm going to start using LSD and 3-MEO-PCP instead.
February 25, 2018: I wanted to die most of today tripping on LSD and 3-MEO-PCP; I suspect Adderall withdrawal. I called out some bitch-ass niggas in my past and made a game in the end. I will push forward at all costs.
February 26, 2018: People must be better educated to take the jobs available, and reductions in working hours may be necessary.
March 5, 2018: I banged a black escort named Stacy today (and forgot to upload a video online) but couldn't get hard after a while because I took both LSD and Adderall. I used a condom, she didn't touch my stuff, I didn't expose my insides to her, and I took a shower after we had sex so I'm safe. I've now made love to two women: Ece Onay and Stacey. I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow. I can't trust anyone except a doctor.
March 14, 2018: I'm doing fine, I can read fine, and I haven't touched amphetamine since March 5. I'm here with my dog Breezy.
March 15, 2018: DOM, PCP?, and Adderall seem to work well as ADHD medications.
March 29, 2018: I tried 2.8 mg DOB today. I feel stimulated and have visuals but it's not as good as DOM or DOC. There's too much vasoconstriction over my whole body. The euphoria was nice, however.
March 31. 2018: MXE eliminated my depression as a shining white crystal in a black void forming metaphorical heaven for me to behold within myself; this is where I holed with 120 mg plugged.
April 1, 2018: I breathed blue fire out of my mouth on MXE (it was actually smoke).
April 2, 2018: I took MDA today. On May 2 I'll take 125 mg plugged.
<Retrospective> April 7, 2018: I plugged 600 mg ketamine today and holed. I kept going in and out of the hole and plugging more ketamine to write more lyrics to this song Blacken. I finished writing the song, started recording it on ketamine, and finished recording it on 3-MeO-PCP the next day.
April 11, 2018: Next time I'll take 175 mg MDA plugged. I'm going to insufflate 35 mg of 3meopcp. I like 3meopcp insufflated better than plugged. It comes on faster and stronger. It is better in every way insufflated except for messing up my nose. I'm going to eat the 3meopcp tomorrow!
April 12, 2018: After a comparison, I have determined oral route of administration is the best ROA for 3-MEO-PCP.
April 17, 2018 (memoir): Began Prophet Launcher.
April 23, 2018: I like 3-MEO-PCP rectal ROA most. I'm high AF and I have published a few games on the Play Store.
April 26, 2018: I have mixed lots of drugs in my life. However, I'm done mixing drugs now. Mixing LSD and 3-MEO-PCP makes it a little hard to breathe. I'm playing too many gmaes with myself. I'm good. I'm going to stay away from the dissociative drugs for a while. 3-MEO-PCP is incredible but I've abused it. LSD is safe but it is not safe to mix with other drugs. Mixing drugs potentiates their effects. I feel fine one hour later. Damn flashed through my mind and I was a little agitated actually. My airways were constricted. Even when I felt like I was going to die I just felt fucking great. It's a slippery slope and I slipped. Now I can fix my mistakes by just smoking weed. I shall wait for the opportune time to strike the darkweb again when bitcoin rises above at least $11,000, but I will place several Amazon orders on the day before I order the half pound of weed. I'll buy bud from Juug later.
April 27, 2018: I took 90 mcg LSD and 25 mg 3-MEO-PCP today. It makes me too high to combine the two. It's hard to breathe again and I can barely breathe through my nose again. Bad idea. I'ma just eat my brownies I made now and microdose LSD with 3-MEO-PCP.
May 7, 2018: I have come to the conclusion that oral 3-MEO-PCP is the best ROA. I feel really good about 30 minutes after ingestion. Insufflated hurts and plugged seems less effective. I concur with 3meopcpnumberonefan, Xorkoth, and lots of other people. Oral 3-MEO-PCP is the best way to go.
May 22, 2018: Wells Fargo claims: 10525187294
May 26, 2018: I just smoked 20 mg of 3-MeO-PCE sandwiched with some cannabis in a bong.
T+5 minutes: Open and closed eye visuals.
June 16, 2018: I'm getting evicted. Work has been more pleasant than I expected due to my amphetamine conditioning. However, I fucking hate dealing with people. I might just overdose myself on heroin on my bed. Then I can die in peace and never have to deal with shit again. I hate submitting to the demands of others. I'm tired of being a slave. I prayed for a make-believe Christian god to come kill me when I was four years old. There is no god. Drifting to eternal peace in timespace sounds nice. Fuck it I'm leaving the dog food open, shooting $40 worth of heroin into my ass, and going to sleep forever with Breezy.
June 18, 2018: I'm skipping work until I get the heroin. It should arrive Wednesday. I'm going to do 120 canisters of laughing gasW, smoke a bunch of weed, and then peacefully die. People can blame whatever they want but I blame myself. I've wanted to die almost my whole life. I'm doomed to die. So, fuck it; I've lived a richer life than most people on this planet.
June 19, 2018: I'm going to work until I get the heroin; I'm going to maintain the status quo for now. I would rather die than listen to authority. If I can't exercise my freedom then I'd rather not exercise at all. Fuck:
the government
the police
the law
religion
d-amphetamine and l-amphetamine
ADHD
work
most of all fuck mockingpeople
Hello. I am Joseph, a Georgia Tech student graduating December with a current job at Verizon Connect. I was recently evicted and am seeking to rent immediately with my German Shepherd dog, Breezy. Is there any way I can rent from you. Thanks,
June 23, 2018: God dammit I skipped work again with the intention of killing myself. It is harder to bring myself to do this than I thought. Now I insufflated 33 mg 3-MeO-PCP. I'm going to do more 3-MeO-PCP. I am a whimsical puzzle piece at work. Fuck work. But I must. That amphetamine once made me so paranoid I pissed out my window with a knife because I thought an intruder had locked my bathroom. I was paranoid about scary movie characters when I was a kid. Wow adderall made me so paranoid and fucked up at night. Shit was crazy. I thought there were cameras in the sprinkler system in my apartment. I thought niggas were looking through a telescope at me. I thought niggas had hidden microphones and speakers in my room and were talking to me through them. It was absolutely fucked. But I could read sentences again after a while. And regained control of my mind. Now I don't give a shit. I quit.
June 30, 2018: I decided not to quit. I forgot about subleasing. Eyyy!
July 3, 2018: I'm renting a room at Arium with Tyler Roche for $940 per month; this is slightly cheaper than I was paying before, and I won't get fucked by management! ... Change of plans already! Now I must find somewhere else.
July 8, 2018: It's looking like I'm going to be homeless for a bit. I'm investigating places to go.
July 13, 2018: I'm going to live in the CULC at Tech.
July 18, 2018: The library fucking sucks. I can't leave my shit anywhere. I lost all my apartment shit.
Hello. I am Joseph, a Georgia Tech student graduating December with a current job at Verizon Connect. I am seeking to rent soon with my German Shepherd dog, Breezy. Can I rent from you?
I was recently evicted July 15 and am now homeless until I can rent again. My budget is $1200/month total cost per month including utilities and fees. I worked at Verizon Connect as a summer internship and I am graduating in December. I have a Belgian Shepherd who would stay with me. If anyone has any leads to renting in the future please contact me. Thanks,
July 23, 2018: I'm still living in the GT library. I sleep on three chairs pushed together. It sucks. At least I have my computer and WiFi.
July 29, 2018: It's so fucked. I don't make 3x the monthly rent of any apartment; I make $2700 per month right now, which is only 3x $900. They would want a cosigner to make 5x the monthtly rent; that's about 1000x5=$5000/month,x12=$60,000/year. I don't know where to find a cosigner like that. Friends of family won't even do it, and no family of mine makes that. It's fucked. I won't be able to find an apartment for less than $1,000. I'm fucking screwed. I found where my dad, Bonnell Coachman Love probably lives. My mom posted on ancestry.com about him 18 years ago lol. 959 VALLEY RD. CRESTVIEW, FL 32539. Now I'm on 1 hit LSD and 30 mg 3-MeO-PCP. My goal is to stay alive. The clouds were like ocean waves. I closed my eyes and saw a dual rainbow serpent transform into a dragon.
Hello. I am Joseph, a Georgia Tech student graduating December with a current job at Verizon Connect. I am seeking to rent soon with my German Shepherd dog, Breezy. My website is https://josephcantrell.org for more information. Can I rent from you?
August 4, 2018: The library is closing for two weeks now, so I'll have to sleep in the CULC.
August 24, 2018: I just took Dextromethorphan. I felt a need to write down what's transpired now. I was arrested on August 10 by GTPD while I was sleeping in the bean bag room at the CULC. Tyre warned me not to leave my stuff out as they might search it, and I thought about taking my backpack with me to sleep, but I did not. I went to jail. Jail wasn't that bad. You get a bed, but meager amounts of food. The people are mostly nice. The street was horrible. After being released a day later, I slept on a bench. On this same bench the next day, a homeless man threatened to shoot me with a .357 I'm 99% sure he didn't have. Then I slept outside a Chick Fil A. That was awful. There was nothing to do except sit there outside in the heat. I slept for 3-4 hours each night. So then I stayed in an extended stay for $110. Then I stayed with Moon's friend Guss. I met Moon in jail. There was no water or internet, and a single straight black porn DVD was played over and over on the tv while the radio played in the background sometimes. They also smoked crack. It wasn't so bad though. Everyone on the street drinking and chilling were pretty nice, but there were two verified racists (constant "white boy" talk). I watched Gus and this black woman smoke the remains of the crack they had in their pipe. She was really hot and irritable. She said the lights made it hot, and I was like, "Oh yeah, you're right." Gus said he was a pimp, and I was like, "You were pimpin'?". He was like, "Hell yeah man." He asked me if I wanted to fuck these crack whores. I said I didn't want to partake, but it was nice of him to ask. I drank milk from the jug and made cereal with a bowl with the help of Gus and that sweet lady. I got the milk from a convenient store down the street. I played some video games and slept on the red couch. Now I'm in an extended stay for $60/day. I'd rather live in jail than on the street, paranoid about where you're allowed to sleep and wondering where to eat and get water. I won't be doing DXM again without weed. But honestly, I don't want anymore DXM. It doesn't feel too great anymore; it's nauseating and my face is flushed hot. 3-MeO-PCP was vastly superior as a dissociative.
September 12, 2018: I hit a trash can on my bike and flew off. My leg was bleeding until I went to sleep (7 hours), but was numb from endorphins after the crash. I just stayed up all night to go to court. I also relearned the Floyd-Warshall algorithm. The cost for me to cook for the semester would be an estimated $1450 split among utensils, chili cheese fries, bratwurst red beans and rice, tombstone pizza, and eggs and ramen. Eating 10 cheeseburgers or 5 bacon double cheeseburgers from McDonalds at $7.62 per day totals to $914. Eating just eggs and ramen and pizza split evenly totals to $905. Therefore, I am going to eat McDonalds every day from now on until I've graduated. Factoring in expenses for new bedding=$365, food=$914, rent=$1174*2, Breezy-food=$32*4, hygiene=$40, and security deposit=$1200, I should have $1000 surplus budget. Mining even $.56 cents per day will still yield me $20 per month. At $.14 per kWh this comes to $13 electricity costs
September 17, 2018: I just took 25E-NBOH. I had to pencil in the lines using an internet ruler because they weren't drawn in.
October 8, 2018: The lines were actually there; the real blotter was inside this plastic wrap, and I didn't notice. 25E is cool; it gives a washy euphoria over my body, a numb tongue, and geometric visuals like LSD or DOM. I saw a long scaly curled up dragon that looked pretty big. I feel it necessary to document my prior experiences with some others. 25 mg plugged O-PCE: I holed and blacked out in my bed for an unknown amount of time. I remember nothing of the hole; it presents lots of amnesia. The last thing I remember is swirly white blades about 1 foot in diameter enveloping my entire field of vision while I was watching a The Trailer Park Boys movie. I shouldered my door kinda hard by accident trying to go to the kitchen due to motor coordination difficulties. With 3-MeO-PCE, I once got tinnitus and lots of swirling flashing colored lights (mostly light purple and blue). I could see them flowing over Breezy like crazy. It was like I was in a tornado like 2C-B, but less intense visuals.
October 27, 2018: 3-HO-PCP is the most confusing disso I've done. I did about 75 mg or so over 4 hours. I blacked out for a majority of the time. I see matrix visuals, tiny rainbow squares with worlds inside them. Time was definitely warped at multiple points. I watched south park. I played Rainbow Six. Everything I did or witnessed felt extremely significant. In hindsight, that was too high of a dose. I'm very fucked up right now. Reading and typing still take effort. Dissociative drugs can make you think you're sober when you are not... I took too much 3-HO-PCP, and might have realized better effects had I marijuana on hand. It was A+.
October 28, 2018: Took like 60 mg 3-HO-PCP and smoked weed, saw a bajillion rainbow fidget spinners and got whippet euphoria for like 2-3 hours straight.
October 30, 2018: Took like 100 mg 3-HO-PCP and laid in my bed. I was stuck in whippet euphoria again for hours. I heard my voice as the voice of a god inside my head (I'm a devout atheist). Time slowed and sped up as I flew over planets. I merged my body with a giant star-sized blimp colored as a solar eclipse. I saw my toilet paper curl up and smile at me.
November 4, 2018: I have .01042658 BTC in my Electrum wallet. I took about 90 mg 3-HO-PCP and I climbed a castle wall with my eyes closed. 3-HO-PCP has a slight hangover and cravings the next day, so I probably won't order it again.
November 20, 2018: I have consumed 3-HO-PCE. 25 mg, 25 mg, 25, then 30 more mg at T+3:00. It is very fiendish as evidenced already. I am very dissociated. It was a lot. It was an effort to type but I feel clearheaded. I became so fucked up I heard my computer tell me to smoke DMT in Frylock's voice. And I did. It was crazy. I had a conversation with my computer. I blacked out. I feel like I've done a million whippets. I'm still high. This is 5 hours later. A+. I took some small hits of DMT and it complemented the euphoria very well. Better than 3-HO-PCP.
November 21, 2018: I took an MDMA pill and about 20 mg 3-HO-PCE. I read NDMA antagonists can reduce MDMA neurotoxicity. I feel good and very at peace with myself. I feel I have not a care in the world. I have some jaw clench problems. MDMA really isn't worth it. I think I'm going to give it up. I don't have any 5-HTP. I'll eat eggs to get my tryptophan tomorrow, which will convert to serotonin. A Digiorno pizza wil have to do for tonight. MDMA is nice but it isn't really worth it. There's better drugs than MDMA. I have 4.5 days until my drug test, but I should be fine.
November 28, 2018: I took 80 mg 3-HO-PCE and was euphoric but underwhelmed. If I had been able to smoke weed it would be fantastic. I smoked DMT at T+6:00 and felt a sort of liquid euphoria shimmering over my eyes. That was very unique. This was coupled with the typical whippet euphoria of vibrations. DMT synergizes very well with dissociatives, but the DMT euphoria is much less present due to anesthesia. Smoking 20 mg 3-HO-PCE now. It didn't taste too good, but not too bad either. Some DMT residue in the pipe hit me and it feels very good; this confirmed the lack of bodily euphoria normally present with DMT. It does enhance the dissociative euphoria very well though, better than cannabis. After 10 minutes I don't notice any good effects from smoking 3-HO-PCE. I feel more dissociated, but the effects don't seem much better than simply eating the drug. I was hoping for something that hits very fast and hard, but this simply isn't it. I smoked 30 mg DMT 2 hours after smoking the 3-HO-PCE. I was listening to Window of My Eyes. I heard the word "damn" ring in my head about 5 times in a row as if that signal got resent through my body instead of the new information. The next few words went by very quickly, like 5 times as fast. Then I heard the word "shine" ring in my head about 5 times like the signal got stuck in a loop again. It felt weird but it didn't feel bad. Then I felt extremely euphoric, like I had just woken up into metaphorical heaven. My open eyed visuals were so strong I saw my blanket on my left turn into a woman, stand up, walk in a circle around the room, and lay down next to me on my right. I closed my eyes and saw Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force pushing an old man in a wheelchair through a door; this was symbolic of the strong part of the trip ending. All the colors were brighter and more vivid, and my laptop was shining like it was emitting 3 times as much light.
December 1, 2018: I just ate 100 mg 3-HO-PCE in a gel capsule at 11:28. Here goes nothing. After 30 minutes I ate 25 more mg 3-HO-PCE straight from the scale. I'm going all in. I'm watching season 3 of F is for Family right now. I got very confused. I have random colors when I close my eyes. 3-HO-PCE isn't that great, even at high doses. You know what. I just want to smoke weed. I need to move to California. I should just focus on doing that. I'd rather smoke weed than try more drugs like 3-HO-PCE. Weed and whippets are legal. They're the best. Why use anything else? Psychedelics are cool, but my favorite high is legal in California. I just need to move there. At T+9:30, I can say I really don't like 3-HO-PCE very much. It's okay. It doesn't give me a hangover. But there's not enough euphoria really. It's not that great of a dissociative. I would be extremely reluctant to try 3-HO-X drugs anytime soon considering their negative record, whereas 3-MeO-X drugs have given me good tidings. 3-HO-PCE is best used at lower dosages. It doesn't give me the euphoria I'm looking for. I'll use it for my community service lol.
December 5, 2018: I got some more 3-MeO-PCP online. I snorted 30 mg two days ago and instantly felt the mania: the intense self love and narcissism. I did it again orally yesterday at 30 mg, but got reduced effects. I did it again today, 30 mg insufflated, and found the effects to be more pronounced than with the oral route of administration. I will insufflate from now on. However, I did notice a tolerance, and it does show up as PCP on a drug test, so I will take long breaks to savor the chemical. I felt a sort of reverse tolerance with the drug over a year ago. It must have been something similar to 3-meo-pcp but slightly different, because I haven't had the spontaneous trips 3 days later that I used to. I remember getting a swirling manic whippet euphoria while sitting in ZBT chapter on Wednesday after having done "3-MeO-PCP" on Saturday. I would still have pronounced visual effects up to 8 hours after dosing the "3-MeO-PCP." I remember looking at the grass in the morning and realized I was seeing patterning visuals in it even though the LSD I took had surely worn off. I had a swirling sensation of vibrating euphoria in my head too. Whatever I got the first time, it wasn't 3-MeO-PCP, it was something better. I wish I knew. I will avoid this batch for a few days to see if it bears any resemblance to the old 3-MeO-PCP.
December 7, 2018: I asked Jonathon for some money today. I don't know how I'll pay my rent come January 1. I'm going to try everything I can. I've insufflated quite a bit of 3-MeO-PCP. It is my favorite drug alongside marijuana and DOM. I love the ego reinforcing properties of 3-MeO-PCP. I was having problems catching my breath today, like when I took LSD and 3-MeO-PCP together back in March. I've done a lot of 3-MeO-PCP in the past few days, about 80 mg per day nasally. I think it's caught up to me. I feel good now, but before I had a very distinct shortness of breath. It was very strange. It is hard to control my usage of 3-MeO-PCP, but I love it. I'm saving about 60 mg for after my next drug test. I'll play again! I asked Mark to reduce my 500 community service hours, and I asked Kaitlynn from Verizon if I could start working earlier. Everything will work out. Such is the universe.
December 10, 2018: I took a pellet of flunitrazolam today; I got it for free with the 3-MeO-PCP. I felt very assured of myself and also had trouble walking in a straight line. I didn't quite have the effects I wanted, so I took the other one. I was watching the latest Family Guy episode and I remember laughing for about five seconds straight. Then I fell asleep! That was it.
December 13, 2018: I insufflated an eyballed amount of 3-HO-PCE powder. My desk is rising and falling like I'm in the ocean. There was a definite slow motion at the peak. Combined it with 25E-NBOH and it's BEAUTIFUL. I can see 3D rainbow people powerlifting on a massive ship beside me in my peripheral vision. It became a little too intense at times. I'm glad I had a good foundation on which to hold because the angle at which I'm tping this seems to be changing with every second, like my desk is rotating like it's on a boat and I'm not. The hallucinations are very real. It's just a bunch of dudes benching wtf. That's a cool gym environment. What if I imagine bikini women on a desert island? Well there's a circle of smiling rainbow bikini women asking me questions while I'm typing this.
December 16, 2018: I insufflated 40 mg of 3-MeO-PCP, then 20 mg more an hour later. I felt good. A brilliant buzzing euphoria and mania manifested. After about 4 hours I decided to smoke 15 mg DMT. It didn't work out too well because with no weed I was using raw papers to sandwich the DMT. An hour later I decided to smoke about 23 mg of DMT. I exhaled the smoke and closed my eyes, seeing shiny blue lattices start to form. "This isn't so bad" I thought. Then it really kicked in. I thought I was dying. This manifested as several voices telling me I was dying and that the 3-MeO-PCP had special properties causing it to react too strongly with DMT. I was slowly entering into a slowly rotating counterclockwise shining white rectangle. The further I entered my vision became a white void. I can't remember most of it. I tried as hard as I could to stay alive; that was my only thought was to stay alive, despite the voice telling me I was beholding my own glorious death. It felt very good; I remember being told I had released the DMT in my pineal gland for my final time in this world. I saw some rendition of my torso and head laying down and the skin quickly disintegrated from my body, leaving only shining red flesh and bone below. I opened my eyes at some point. I sat up and moved my hands over my bed, hoping that movement would indicate to my body I should live. I stood up and walked around. The experience died down a bit. Then, Boosie Badazz said, "You thought it was over now?" and the visual and auditory hallucinations kicked right back up again like I had hit more DMT. Boosie Badazz said something along the lines of "we're finishing this whole thing" even though he doesn't say any of this in the song. I walked over and saw Breezy all chill and that helped calm me down a little. I went back to my room and looked at the floor. I had thrown my blanket onto the floor at some point during the experience and it looked like a spiral galaxy. I remember thrashing around for some reason which was probably to try to stave alive, so that might have caused me to throw the blanket off the bed. I picked it up and put it back on the bed. This was too much. I prefer DMT with sub-breakthough experiences because I can become terrified during the trip. I'm going to smoke 10 mg more now. I barely got effects, possibly because of tolerance or the ineffective vaporization method. What I can say is that DMT + 3-MeO-PCP is incredible, and there is a good chance you will stand up during the experience because of the stimulating qualities of 3-MeO-PCP. I smoked DMT once before on 3-MeO-PCP about a week ago and I stood up during the experience that time too, but the effects were very similar to 3-HO-PCE + DMT besides the stimulation. Vibrating euphoria. A+.
December 17, 2018: I insufflated 35 mg 3-HO-PCE. Then, one hour later, I insufflated 35 more. I smoked 13 mg DMT and it was nice but underwhelming. I'm pretty dissociated I gotta say, I mostly feel it in my face being numb and cold. 3-HO-PCE sucks. I will never buy this again.
December 22, 2018: Never has it felt so good to sit down. Like the king christening a throne. I sat down on my white throne and saw a white mist absorbing into me, like I levelled my chairsitting skill to infinity. In slow motion, I heard the Skyrim leveling sound play 1000 times as I sank into the chair's comfort. Wow. This is like a fallout terminal to me. My trip is if i ami in Skyrim. I watched two slaves carry the table upstairs to where I sit now. Slaves are attending me as I speak. I'm still tripping. I'm going to play Skyrim now though.
Here I sit. I took 35 mg 3=HO-PCE along with 2 hits 1200 ug 25E-NBOH. I took the two tabs at T+1:00 hour, after I was dissociating. I remember I played Window of my Eyes the whole trip. It was like I did a whole rpg quest thing for like 2 hours straight. I remember seeing the white Skyrim logo with red dots strewn throughout it, then it multiplied into a bajillion of those, signifying me fighting a ton of enemies. I cast an inferno to defeat the small dragon that was my blue blanket. Slow motion was happening randomly. I could see a blizzard blowing through my room. My dragon guardian is my blue blanket. As I type this a swirl of blue wizards have surrounded me and are attending to my books and things. I finished Skyrim with 31 hours playtime, and while it was cool, I am underwhelmed with the story's ending. My mom's christmas cookies recipe: green food coloring, rice crispy cereal, marshmallows, sugar, red cinnamon candies.
December 25, 2018: I finished the first Skyrim DLC, Dawnguard. It was all right. I also just overclocked my laptop display to 62 Hz! 63 Hz causes graphical glitches (yellow line at the bottom), and 65 won't output anything to the display. Pretty cool.
December 26, 2018: I insufflated 40 mg 3-MeO-PCP and ate what what was left in the bag. I am high as hell. I feel like I have upgraded my skill in Skyrim. I feel a buzzing euphoria approaching.
I got pretty high. I had a good time playing Skyrim but I wish I had concentrated on the feeling a little more before playing Skyrim.
December 27, 2018: I finished playing Skyrim in 66 hours. I finished the Winterhold quests, the main quests, the two DLC Dawnguard and Dragonborn, and I visited almost all the locations on the map.
December 28, 2018: Godot Prophet Launcher performance sits at 210 fps at 2000 score using queue_free() and instance() for every enemy. Using enemy pooling (reuse of instances with an array), I average 150 fps. I'm not doing pooling anymore.
December 29, 2018: I took about my last 1.5 mg 25E-NBOH with 60 mg 3-HO-PCE about an hour before that. The effects of both syngergized into something more powerful than both could deliver alone. I blacked out for an hour. I also remember intense visuals from 6 hours after that with mild visuals for 3 more after that. I smoked weed at about T+12:00 and intense visuals came back. The drug began to remind me a little of DCK in how visual it was compared to 3-MeO-PCP, my primary recent dissociative. 3-MeO-PCP does not really manifest visuals even with weed and at high doses. I still rate 3-MeO-PCP better and more comfortable overall. Here I am at T+24:00 after sleep, and I smoked weed again. I'm baked.
January 3, 2019: I've managed to boost Prophet Launcher's fps at 2000 score to about 260 fps. That's a 25% increase over what I had previously. I added an AMOLED background to Prophet Launcher. It looks pretty cool and should save a good bit of battery life with all the black pixels.
I took 50 mg of 3-HO-PCE and smoked weed December 30. That was a nice and visual time that was reminiscent of racemic ketamine. Visuals were colorful repeating patterns; the only thing I remember is a bunch of light blue triangles spinning around. I didn't really get the vibrating whippet like euphoria I got from 3-HO-PCP or 3-MeO-PCP, however, even though I got that briefly with my first ever dose of 3-HO-PCE at 30 mg. I about to try snorting 16 mg DMT. I barely got any effect, although the initial burn was hell. I saw the faint appearance of rainbow teeth when I closed my eyes. It took 15 minutes to finish coming up and lasted for about 30 minutes. I think when I took some DMT off my scale it messed up the calculation. I think I actually insufflated no more than 10 mg.
I'm going to snort 40 mg of DMT next, but not tonight. I'm tired as I've been awake 14 hours!
January 5, 2019: I've eaten 30 mg 3-HO-PCE. At T+1:00, I ate 30 mg more. I am buzzing decently hard at T+2:00. I'm going to test the limits of 3-HO-PCE and dose higher. I ate a third dose of 30 mg at T+2:15. I took Breezy out and it was very nice. I snorted the DMT and it was like smoking it with 3-HO-PCE. I blacked the fuck out.
Well, at T+5:30 I took another 30 mg of 3-HO-PCE. It is T+7:20 and I am snorting 30 mg DMT. I am real time typing this after snorting. I feel really good. I see blue cubes emanating from my computer screen. It was a standard DMT trip except the 3-HO-PCE definitely affects the visuals and yields anesthesia. I've killed 30 flies with my bare hands in the past week. I have a fly problem in this house, but I don't know where. I can only hope they will die off soon.
<<First Job Experimentation>>
<Retrospective> (3/23/22) January 7, 2019: This was my first day on the job working full time as a software engineer for Verizon Connect. This was also my first full time job.
January 9, 2019: I've had a successful first few days at Verizon Connect, although I'm still waiting on access to Amazon Web Services. I've killed 45 flies now so far. I fear I will have to use my blood-stained one dollar bill to ride MARTA tomorrow as I never realized the fare is $2.50 (not $2.00) until this evening. I borrowed $200 from Ketan today so I didn't have to use my special dollar!
January 15, 2019: I went to sleep after only drinking a protein shake, so I was still hungry. My dream is as follows. I awake in the middle of the night to see Tyre in my Solace apartment living room, demolishing a half a whole bar of pepperjack cheese in his mouth (in like 100 ms I might add) and tossing the rest to the far wall. I shout, approach, and knee him in the stomach right in the doorway to my room. We both hit the ground from the momentum. I then proceed to punch him in the face. Then, I wake up in real life as I punched myself in the thigh after sleeping for only like 15 minutes. I fail to go back to sleep and go to the gym on 3.5 hours of sleep, then go to work. A good day, albeit with little sleep.
January 17, 2019: My Prophet Launcher fps at 2000 score is now at 290 fps (on PC). That's about a 12% increase over what I had two weeks ago. Dream market order: order 1 oz from CaptainCannabis; LSD - BlackbirdSupplys.
January 19, 2019: I plugged 55 mg 3-HO-PCE at 10:00 to disappointing effects - a mild sense of dissociation from the world arround me coupled with an ever so slight drifting of visuals. At T+2:00, I ate 85 mg for a total of 140 mg. I once ate 120 mg and was disappointed. So screw it; I'm going to eat 20 more mg I have right now at T+2:15 to make a total of 160 mg. I played some really intense games of Rainbow Six Siege where things were drifting a lot. Not much else happened. I can see simple geometry drifting ever so slowly in my field of vision. 3-HO-PCE is boring compared to other dissos. I have 35 mg of DMT! I am going to smoke it tomorrow!
January 20, 2019: Prophet Launcher update notes: Add worldwide score leaderboards database. Add player name feature. Add shadow enemy. Add player hit graphic and sound effects. Add Flame Rifle damage gradient. Change Flame Rifle bullet sprite. Add strike and flame sound effects. Update Godot Engine to 3.1. Optimizations and bug fixes.
January 23, 2019: Getting $3400 my first paycheck for 3 weeks of work! Orders:
http://lchudifyeqm4ldjj.onion/viewProduct?offer=467002.408425 - Weed
/viewProduct?offer=339569.503484 - LSD
/viewProduct?offer=823017.266386 - MXE
/viewProduct?offer=393840.976487 - 3-MeO-PCP
January 25, 2019: I just got Battlefield V for $30. My Rainbow Six Siege controls are 23(ADS)/28(Normal) sensitivity, or 82.14% ADS. However, Rainbow Six Siege has a built in multiplier, so it was actually about 32% ADS.
January 26, 2019: Created a MySQL database for my Prophet Launcher high scores.
CREATE TABLE scores (name VARCHAR(20), score int(11));
I also changed the password because it was corrupted.
UPDATE user SET authentication_string=password('/*DEFAULTLOWSEC*/') WHERE user='root';
January 27, 2019: Change of plans. I'm not going to get a prescription. Fuck that. I hate answering to anyone, especially someone far away like a doctor. Could mandate drug tests or counseling. Fuck that. I'm ordering 2.5 g amphetamine sulphate. I accidentally didn't buy enough bitcoin for shipping, so I had to pay $.99 extra to Coinbase on my second bitcoin purchase. Jews! Then I sent it to my Tails wallet first instead of my Windows wallet. Damn. It's fine, I needed to upgrade Tails anyway, which will give me a new Electrum installation fixing my synchornization issue! I'll do it on my next purchase (I say this every time, but for real this time).
/viewProduct?offer=606629.614366
January 29, 2019: I've got an ounce of weed and 100 hits of acid now. My weightlifting stuff is almost here. I'm going to the CRC one last time in a few minutes.
February 2, 2019: I've just had three hits of LSD rated at 115 mcg. I've got 97 left. Let's see what happens now when I keep smoking this weed. Wow I got super high. I stayed smoking the whole day. I was still tripping seeing rainbow morphing visuals at T+9:00, even though I was barely seeing any visuals at T+1:00.
February 3, 2019: I've drunk a purple sweet-tarts flavored Monster, eaten 12 Krispy Kreme donuts and a bag of miniature Reeses and a bag of Watermelon sour patch kids. I'm stoned.
February 8, 2019: I'm helping Sama Doh with the Secuur.Co app again. Bug fixing this time. He promised me a stake in the company. I'm going to order this stuff from the dark web:
MXE: http://ptlsz6dxboul2u3z.onion/viewProduct?offer=823017.266386
3-MeO-PCP: /viewProduct?offer=393840.976487
Februrary 9, 2019: I had decided to order MDA yesterday, but since taking amphetamine for the first time since August 8, I have decided against ordering any serotonin releasing agents for health reasons. I must use the vilpac Dream URL because the market servers are being DDOSed. Prophet Launcher has achieve 320 average FPS at 2000 total score! That's a 10.3% increase over my last optimization. I'm going to start recording my start score for simplicity. My start fps here was 438. I took 6 hits of acid today. I also did about 150 hits of nitrous oxide. I smoked weed all day. I was in absolute blissful stupor for hours on end. Still, it cost so much money. I can get a g of K for $40 and that's 10 hours ($4/hour) of good time right there. With 30 hits per hour, that's 5 hours of high time for $75 at $15/hour. Nitrous oxide is 3.75 times more expensive.
February 12, 2019: I'm buying 1 g "S+" isomer ketamine from the USA today. I already bought MXE and 3-MeO-PCP, but I don't want to wait so long to get high now that I can't smoke due to drug testing. It should be here Friday - 3 days!
/viewProduct?offer=526536.361585
February 13, 2019: My Tails 3.12 Electrum address (second) is
14mPjiv8xQV8N9eSAjG9e8CXRJChxPBeqX
I'm saving it here because everything incriminating is already here but not trasmitted across the internet. I just paid $920 for bitcoin at 3580 $/BTC. It's a long term investment of mine.
February 14, 2019: I'm doing computer vision projects at work which is pretty fun to work on. I've detected faces using OpenCV. I've doubled my bitcoin mining rate to $.63 per day on one computer and $.09 on the other now by switching to third party miners. That's $.72 total, ~100% higher than before across all income sources. My income from bitcoin could be so much higher though, if the price goes back up again!
February 16, 2019: I just sniffed 52 mg of MXE. I took 345 mcg LSD 8 hours ago. I'm feeling pretty good now. Good stuff.
February 17, 2019: I took 250 mg caffeine via preworkout and also plugged 50 mg MXE. Then I worked out. My military press I only got 2/5 reps at 165 pounds. However, I did deadlift 5 reps of 320 pounds and pullup 5 reps of 57.5 pounds. Not too bad! My poor performance on military press might be due to the MXE comeup.
February 18, 2019: I just plugged about 20 mg DMT and 3 mg MXE leftover in the plugging cup. I should be getting pretty high soon. I did not get much effect unfortunately. It seems to be less than half as potent as smoking.
February 19, 2019: I got the ketamine today. It was shit. It was like 33% potency and it was racemic rather than S+ isomer. I'm done buying shitty drugs. This "DOM" I have on the way also has complaints. Time will tell if it is legitimate. I posted on Dread asking where to find actual S+ isomer ketamine; hopefully someone can help. On my buy list: Weed, 3-MeO-PCP, DMT. I can vape DMT on days in which I can't vape weed. I tested positive for amphetamine and THC three days after my last smoke session (with LSD and MXE!). The top DMT vendor for the USA is on vacation so I'm going to wait until he gets back. I'm going to order 112g weed and 10g 3-MeO-PCP for ~$1350. It's a lot but it's worth the investment. I'm going to wait on this batch of 3-MeO-PCP before I order such a large quantity. I don't want a repeat of this ketamine or that 3-HO-PCE. I'm going to test the 3-MeO-PCP first. However, I am confident it will be good quality.
/viewProduct?offer=620670.854057
/viewProduct?offer=928124.132020
February 20, 2019: I just snorted 450 mg of that shitty racemic ketamine. It feels like I've snorted 1/5 of that amount. That's some old bullshit. Never trust vendors.
<amp quit day> February 21, 2019: I got two Tyga x Shine vapes for the price of one! I paid for the dry herb and they gave me a wax vape for free!!! I just plugged about 145 mg MXE. I jacked off for ~30 minutes and here I am. It's been about 50 minutes and I see blue boxes forming and rotating as I type. This MXE seems to be ~33% potency unfortunately. When I plugged 30 mg of the stuff I had before I breathed my blue fire aura out of my mouth when I smoked weed. I plugged like 50 mg of that stuff and I saw a rainbow Volcarona Pokemon. MXE was interesting but I don't think I'll get it again unless I can find some pure stuff. DCK was good too. I remember seeing purple-blue flower textures growing in the snow after plugging 30 mg. I remember raising a massive rainbow A bigger than Mount Everest and standing atop it in the blackness of my mind with my eyes closed on the phone with Sama. I felt intense ocular pressure. DCK also gave me a stutter after only a few days of usage. Both very visual dissociative drugs. 3-MeO-PCP is my favorite though!
February 22, 2019: I took 8 hits (920 ug) LSD and about 45 mg Methoxetamine. Swirling rainbow tendrils of beauty swarmed from the ceiling and encompassed me: love. Time is dilated quite a bit here too.
February 26, 2019: I took about 40 mg 3-MeO-PCP that came in today. It's great. I'm going to get 100 grams. I'll just keep this knowledge exclusive to me. I texted Jordan about it. Why? It was pointless. I should communicate about drugs as little as possible.
March 1, 2019: I took 70 mg of 3-MeO-PCP yesterday over the course of four hours. My last dose was at about 5 pm. I woke up seeing rainbow structures as open eyed visuals at 4 am. I woke up at 8 am and it was like I had taken a tab of acid. I had to go to work too! This is that good stuff mayne.
March 3, 2019: Yesterday I took 3 hits of acid and 35 mg 3-MeO-PCP. After 4 hours, I redosed 25 mg 3-MeO-PCP. After 4 more hours, I redosed 25 mg 3-MeO-PCP. After 4 more hours, I redosed 25 mg 3-MeO-PCP. I was so fucked up I barely remember any of it. I remember laying down in bed an witnessing a rainbow hurricane, a storm. I remember coming out of a loop drinking some water and realizing I was drinking the water to try and get high. Tyre banged on my window and door trying to get some stuff he left here and I thought it was the police. I stayed quiet and pet Breezy sitting in my chair until I forgot about the invisible police. Time was extremely dilated at the peak. It was beautiful but overly intense. I'm still very dissociated today. I took 2 scoops of preworkout and I'm about to go ham. I've taken about 75 mg total of 3-MeO-PCP. This is incredible.
March 8, 2019: I've been tripping every day, especially when I smoke weed. This is due to the 3-MeO-PCP still in my system. Wow. My upper lip will get especially numb just like when I'm on whippets. It even happened today while I was on the train coming back from work.
March 9, 2019: I toook 3 hits LSD and 30 mg 3-meo-pcp. I got so fucked up. I jacked off for like an hour straight in my bed. I don't remember much of this trip. I stopped doing amphetamine starting March 7. I can feel the addiction creeping in and I do not wish to tread farther. I will touchdown maybe a month later. I will enjoy some coffee in the meantime.
March 10, 2019: I am still too high but I thought I was dying when I took 30 mg 3-MeO-PCP and then 30 mg more. I'm just going to smoke weed now. Fuck everything else. I'ma just smoke weed mostly now. I'm good. This 3-MeO-PCP is too potent. I thought I was dying for a few hours. I was gasping for breath for 30 minutes like Artyom with no gas mask in Metro Exodus. Wtf. I must restrict my usage of this substance very much so. This was too much. This trip was very difficult. It felt like my body was shutting down and dying. I was rolling the dice when I was trying to pee in the toilet. The slow motion was crazy. If I have ever graced the face of death it was there. It is too powerful and unpredictable. I must tread with caution now, especially since it stays in my body for far too long. I swear I almost died many times during the experience. This "3-MeO-PCP" that stays in your system for weeks and is super psychedelic is very powerful and very dangerous. I must tread with caution. 15 mg increments instead of 30. This 3-MeO-PCP turned my screen into a book. I witnessed anything my mind imagined with great clarity.
<Retrospective> 1/26/23: I had the best time playing the entirety of Metro Exodus on LSD, 3-MeO-PCP, and weed. The taiga was unforgettable.
March 16, 2019: Okay I'm on 335 ug LSD and I've done 3-MeO-PCP at 20 mg every 2 hours. I think my problem last week was my rapid intake of large amounts of the drug at one time. I took 60 mg over 2 hours. That's absurd. If I had even waited like 3 hours instead of 2. Whatever. My new rule is 20 mg increments rather than 30 mg increments like before. Redose as appropriate.
March 20, 2019: Fixed Osama EndTimer on Prophet Launcher. Added sound effects for flame and strike. Released version 3.0 on Google Play. I took 37 mg 3-MeO-PCP + weed after work. The walls are moving and segmenting into rainbow matrices.
March 23, 2019: I just took a 5 mg DOM blotter plugged. T+1:15 - The experience is slowly coming on. I've had visuals since about 30 minutes in. Unconfortable vasoconstriction for about 30 minutes but I just walked around on my bed. Slight nausea but it looks to be fading. At T+1:30 I'm feeling very good. Still slight vasoconstriction in my feet. Heart rate is 85 bpm so I'm doing well all around. I'm going to plug 12 mg 3-MeO-PCP. T+3:30 - I forgot how uncomfortable the psychedelic comeup can be. I think I'm almost finished coming up. T+4:00 - I just dosed 115 ug LSD and 11 mg 3-MeO-PCP. I took 27 mg more 3-MeO-PCP.
March 25, 2019: I was sick as hell today. I think I might have had a bad time with the DOM because of slight amphetamine withdrawal and a growing illness. I've been sneezing yellow shit since I woke up. I took melatonin last night and that gave me some great relief. I think when I wake up tomorrow I will be fine. I was going to work out but that's not really possible right now.
March 26, 2019: Man last year was crazy. I was just on r/researchchemicals and responded to a post about a guy who lost his mind from bingeing dissos. I went through >10 grams 3-MeO-PCP, >250 mg 3-MeO-PCE, >50 mg O-PCE, 2.5 grams DCK, 1 gram MXE, >5 grams racemic ketamine, 1 gram S-ketamine, >100 tabs 200ish ug LSD, 2 grams DMT, 500 mg heroin (never again lol such a garbage drug), >3/4 pound weed, 6.5 grams MDMA, 2 grams MDA, >4 grams amphetamine sulphate. I did all this in a 7 month time frame. The only thing that made me absolutely lose it was the amphetamine sulphate. God damn ADHD.
March 30, 2019: FUCK GINGERS! I took some ginger with my 335 mcg LSD and 25 mg 3-MeO-PCP. Bad times. Fuck GINGERS. It's a 5ht3 antagonist. I'm now using my former Ginger container as my avb jar.
<Retrospective> 11/7/2022: 9:17 p.m. - I remember it feeling like my skin was burning from head to toe. It only happened when I was under the influence of LSD. I felt it for about 4 weekends in a row. At this time I was very often insufflating 15-30 mg 3-MeO-PCP and then taking 1-3 tabs of LSD.
March 31, 2019: I'm on 30 mg 3-MeO-PCP and I worked out earlier. I posted this on reddit. Maybe people will downvote me for my terminology. Everything psychological is physical, down to the atom and beyond. Video games and marijuana are psychologically addicting. Sugar, amphetamine, 3-MeO-PCP, alcohol, and heroin are physically addicting. You will experience withdrawal even after one use. Some physical withdrawal symptoms are painful, like amphetamine head pain and heroin stomach cramps and itches. Some physical withdrawal symptoms are easily manageable, like sugar or 3-MeO-PCP. Some physically addicting drugs can make you physically dependent on them to survive, notably GABA drugs like alcohol and Xanax. You can die from the withdrawal from those drugs. I hope now everything is clear.
April 6, 2019: I've taken 335 ug LSD and 60 mg 3-MeO-PCP over 7 hours. I feel good, but I still have a bit of the "gingivitus." That ginger fucked me up for sure. It seems it will take time to repair such damages. Next week any negative effects should be imperceivable. Dream Market is going away so suddenly... Here is Nightmare Market:
http://nightmareocykhgs.onion/
http://4cbzfahdsos2v6os.onion/
http://7ur4yaruaxu3ilhi.onion/
http://azmkio2bzgx53vle.onion/
I have changed account names to homiesoverhoes for security purposes.
April 8, 2010: I'm getting MDA.
http://nightmareocykhgs.onion/listing/3431/b3931453c65c0a2852fa81f75f962c77/description
April 10, 2019: It's been 1 month since I ordered the 3-MeO-PCP, and it looks like customs might be fucking me.
April 13, 2019: I plugged 140 mg MDA and took 230 ug LSD. Good stuff. T+5:00: plugged 15 mg 3-MeO-PCP while feeling like shit. T+8:00 Plugged 20 mg 3-MeO-PCP still feeling like shit. Smoked lots of weed. The 2 hours of euphoria are dwarfed by the comedown. Uncertain if taking 5-HTP is wise at T+11:00, I eat 200 mg 5-HTP because the MDA has drained me of my soul. It has worked well I think. T+12:00 and I still feel like shit? I'm going to eat another 5-HTP. MDA is nice for making me not give a fuck about anything. But it isn't worth the comedown...T+12:30 I am taking 20 mg more 3=MeO-PCP. The MDA comedown is so bad I threw the rest in the trash. I don't want to ever do it again. I had some amazingly detailed visuals as expected. But it is not worth the trouble. I won't ever do serotonin releasing agents again. It's not worth it. SRA and DRI drugs are not for me.
April 16, 2019: USAConnect has alleged S-isomer ketamine.
April 22, 2019: User BigUps has domestic 3-MeO-PCP; I just got 5 grams. Wall Street Market is fucked, so I may have to contact him by Wickr to see which market to which he will switch. User morning_light had DOM on Dream.
Wickr: bigups4real
Weed: http://oaj4azj6wtxhlojk.onion/product/28230/73/158108
2C-T-7: http://oaj4azj6wtxhlojk.onion/Product_List/setTab/36235/118/151366/
May 1, 2019: Landlord complaints: David blocked number for at least 9 days and claimed it to be an accident. Leak above stove for 4 months. No AC on move-in and still 1 month with no AC after notification. I just bought my own portable AC unit with a window exhaust tube. Aw yea. Can't trust these damn landlords to not take 5 months to get me a damn AC or fix a leak.
May 2, 2019: I'm moving to Empire market and discontinuing my old online identity I got from Josh.
http://dreadditevelidot.onion/
May 5, 2019: <Retrospective> of 2/1/22: I defeated the Great Shinobi Owl in the morning while lifting weights on preworkout and 3-MeO-PCP. That Anesthetic album by Mark Morton came out around then, so I listened to Save Defiance and Imaginary Days while lifting and then went to play Sekiro on my ten or fifteen minute rest periods. Playing that game on 3-MeO-PCP was great. I loved crossing the cherry blossom tree bridge and ascending the castle in the sky to use lightning bolts to defeat the hydra in the clouds. It reminds me of my own struggle after banging the cherry blossom stripper Taylor and reascending my amphetamine castle riddled with mental imagery of beautiful women and magnificent hydras.
May 8, 2019: I just plugged 120 mg 2F-DCK and then 100 mg again 20 minutes later. I want to hole. I have a massive tolerance from using 3-MeO-PCP every day so idk how well this will work. I have visuals when I close my eyes! I must save some of this for Saturday! I'm about to shave and cook after this trip; it's 6:00 now and I think 9:00 is a good time to start cooking. Okay I plugged 108 mg and 125 mg more. That's 453 mg in 80 minutes! Also, I just got an AC on Friday! It's glorious! I've got to watch Wolf of Wall Street again. It's been a while, so I'll watch it Friday. Some geometric visuals. Lots of numbing. I saw rainbow and real cars on a street. I saw the rainbow Nazis walking to the left and doing the heil Hitler salute. I see a number counting down. The experience isn't really that great. I feel great but it's not even as good as racemic ketamine. It has already faded to just small blobs of color. The magical aspect found in MXE, DCK, and ketamine is absent here. I was still bored on this drug, so it isn't very good. The potency sucked; I got it from the same dude I got my last batch of shitty ketamine. Still, I got a moderate high that didn't feel very special.
May 26, 2018. I have taken 10 mg DOM and 8 mg 3-MeO-PCP at the same time. This was too much. Next time, I'll take 10 mg DOM but save the 3-MeO-PCP for later. I took 115 ug LSD at T+13:00. It is now T+17:00. I have been so fucked up this whole time. I just took 18 mg more 3-MeO-PCP. Also, I've got Juug and darkweb weed and I've mixed them. :) I'm fucking baked.
May 27, 2018: I took 200 mg caffeine six-star preworkoutat about 5:00 this morning. I only could do 4 reps military press of 165 pounds. I quit and went to sleep. I have gotten too high. I some preworkout at 11:45. I took 8 mg 3-MeO-PCP orally with no capsule at 1:00. I don't know how I suspected it would work but it did. I did all my exercises normally then. Low dose 3-4 mg 3-MeO-PCP and preworkout might be the best best. I left my phone when I exited in an Uber at like 5:30. I snorted ~32 mg 3-MeO-PCP at like 5:45. I got my phone back from the Uber driver at like 7:00. Here I am. I'm baked as fuck and dissoed out. I suspect insuflating the 3-MeO-PCP is the best ROA. FUCK ME. It's super potent. I'm going to be okay although I'm a bit short of breath and everything is vibrating really hard. I'm shaking a lot. This stuff is potent. I fucked up. I should only snort like 15 mg. It's much more potent snorted. Fuck me. This batch is strong. The Polish batch fucked me up yo. I'm buzzing hard worrying about my safety but it seems I'll be fine. Lol.
June 1, 2019: I can bench 315. I'm doing pretty well. I've taken 335 ug
LSD with 22 mg 3-MeO-PCP plugged. Redosed another 22. Here I am and I'm fucked up. Seeing so much rainbow shit that sounds like rick and fucking morty because I've been watching it.
June 8, 2019: I messed up my right shoulder again by jerking my shoulders around to stretch them. I just took 37 mg capped 2C-B and 12 mg plugged 3-MeO-PCP. I can feel my body resonating with energy right now after 16 minutes. 2C-B fills my whole body with orgasmic sensations. It feels so good. I took 20 mg more 3-MeO-PCP plugged. I took 115 ug LSD and 30 mg 2C-B. That got me too fucked up. My head hurts. I'm going to be okay but I won't repeat such things again. No redosing, and keep the 3-MeO-PCP to < 10 mg. The synergy with 3-MeO-PCP is much greater with 2C-B than with LSD.
June 9, 2019: Patch notes for the next Prophet Launcher release 3.1, which will be submitted to Steam store and showcased on r/Godot:
Graphical enhancements
Sound updates
Balancing updates
Bug fixes and optimizations
June 13, 2019: I'm working on edtreks.org as a non-profit for my 500 hours community service bullshit. I'm using wordpress so it's drag and drop really.
CREATE TABLE edtreks (name VARCHAR(20), email VARCHAR(20));
June 28, 2019: Here's part of a Reddit comment I just wrote. I just gave up amphetamine sulphate a few days ago. I'm on 3-MeO-PCP. I just smoked weed after quitting for four days for that court drug test.
I've been looking for a non-addictive substitute to amphetamine sulphate so I don't have to go through withdrawal and cycle it every few months. Given DOM hits a lot of norepinephrine receptors, and LSD hits a lot of dopamine receptors, I thought combining them might work. Through my experiments, I have found this my hypothesis was incorrect.
I've tried 40 different drugs now, most of them dissos and psychs, and I can say the only thing that works for me is amphetamine sulphate, and it absolutely has to be dextro and levo amphetamine. I keep trying psychedelics and dissos because I love them so much, and I also hope I could possibly find a drug that doesn't give me withdrawal and works for me. I really wanted 3-MeO-PCP to work for me just based on how it made me feel, and it doesn't give me withdrawal, but it doesn't work for my ADHD either.
Fuckin' ADHD man. Always creeping up on me. As soon as I give up amphetamine sulphate, my soul is wrenched from my body. It returns after about a week, stronger and more whole than ever. Yet I am involuntarily resolved to slowly wither away to fragments of what used to be, both in executive function and in death.
July 1, 2019: I saw two laptops on 70 mg 3-MeO-PCP and weed. I saw my laptop be a panda! My wall turned into a mirror.
July 6, 2019: 335 ug LSD and 75 mg 3-MeO-PCP. I'm high. I just got back from the gas station for my Hershey Reeses Pieces Bar and my Vitamin Water Ice (blueberry-lavender 20 calories erythritol). I had a full rainbow crowd cheering for me to do plunge more 3-MeO-PCP into my ass like it was my fucking presidential inauguration.
July 8, 2019: I feel like writing about my grandmother. Once I asked her what's 9x9 and she said 90, so I wrote that as my answer for my kindergarten homework. Lol. She was very sweet. She was an ammunition factory worker during the Hitler regime. She fled Germany to the USA when she got sick and faced imprisonment for not working. I miss my mom lol. Weird. I haven't missed her in a while. But I still do. I too am mortal. I am 23. Overall, my life is getting better and better. Even in age, I don't care. I'm just going to keep smoking weed the rest of my life, I know that yo. Weed is the answer.
July 24, 2019:
I was only 9 years old.
I loved Garfield so much, I had all the merchandise and movies.
I pray to Garfield every night, thanking him for the life Iâ€™ve been given. â€œGarfield is loveâ€I say, â€œGarfield is life."
My dad hears me and calls me a faggot. I knew he was just jealous of my devotion to Garfield.
I called him a cunt.
He hits me and sends me to sleep.
I'm crying now and my face hurts.
I lay in bed, really cold. I feel something warm...
It's Garfield! I was so happy.
He whispers in my asscrack "This is my lasagna."
He grabs me with his Gartacles, and puts me on my hands and knees. I'm ready.
I spread my ass cheeks for Garfield.
He penetrates my asshole.
It hurts so much, but I do it for Garfield. I can feel my asscrack tearing and eyes watering.
I want to please Garfield.
He roars a mighty roar as he fills my ass with his love.
My dad walks in.
Garfield looks him straight in the eye and says,
"I'm sorry Jon."
Garfield leaves through my window.
"Garfield is love," I say. "Garfield is life."
August 2, 2019: 112g New York City Diesel, 4-HO-MET, Mescaline.
August 3, 2019: Two hits LSD and some 3-MeO-PCP. I finished watching Chaos;Head again and I wrote some lyrical ideas:
Fuck where you from what whatcha know my (a) nigga
Stare down rounds where's some dope my (a) nigga.
__ I ain't scared of shit,
I'ma hit that that with a whip
Where's my noreprinephrine a my nigga
Talking bout a dopamine real my nigga,
Serotonin spin that wheel my nigga,
N M D A MOTHAFUCKA (A) (A)
I will live FOREVER(A)(A)(A) like in Vengeance
August 6, 2019: I have now realized that in Borderlands 2, Pandora is a metaphor for the player. I am Pandora. Handsome Jack is the part of me that demands happiness. I defeated the Warrior harnessed by Jack
August 11, 2019: There is evidence sigma 1 receptor agonists promote neurogenesis. 3-MeO-PCP is a relatively selective NDMA antagonist, sigma 1 receptor agonist, and serotonin reuptake inhibitor.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/28990373
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22288409
I have seen it mentioned that the sigma 2 receptor site agonism enhances the neurotoxicity of meth. I know PCP and 3-MeO-PCE are sigma 2 receptor agonists, and I felt a definite lethargy the next day after using 3-MeO-PCE which I don't get from using 3-MeO-PCP. I have not yet tried PCP so I can't comment much on that one.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3137201/
There is evidence sigma 1 receptor agonists prevent methamphetamine induced dopamine dysfunction, outlined in the above and below research, further supporting the nootropic hypothesis.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5738444/
I truly believe 3-MeO-PCP to be a very beneficial chemical if used correctly. I've started bookmarking research and grouping it into folders so I can reference it later.
August 17, 2019: I feel like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer leading my sleigh. That joke is funny. I tried 30 mg 4-HO-MET and 8 mg 3-MeO-PCP and it was incredible. I could hear myself in my head and it visually manifested as Ichigo from Bleach talking to me in all his forms which was weird because I haven't watched that show in like 5 years. I was somewhat conscious here and I could control the visuals. I remember a river of diamond chains enveloping me at the peak. I think I was close to whiting out actually. This drug feels kinda like a cross between DOM and DMT. That makes 41 drugs on the list up there. Mescaline is going to be #42 funny enough. I'm very curious about mescaline.
August 23, 2019: I've been nauseous for weeks. That comes with lots of amphetamine cravings. It's subsiding though. I still get the extreme nausea and cravings every time I take caffeine. I should cut out the caffeine. I'm going to try working out with just 3-MeO-PCP. I think this can work as a good preworkout. I'm going to take 5 mg of 3-MeO-PCP and try to lift on Monday. I'm on 36 mg 3-MeO-PCP total today. I went to work and everything. I've been thinking girls are hitting on me, but I think it's all in my head. I asked Vi to dinner but she said she has a boyfriend. I know Teja is married. But I still think she's hitting on me.
August 25, 2019: I just tried Mescaline. The visuals were very realistic instead of cartoonish, and I had lots of plots and scenarios with my eyes closed laying down. I was at work and girls were talking to me. The visuals were detailed like DOM, but I didn't a take a ton of mescaline. Only 400 mg. The nausea was horrible. For most of the experience I was nauseous, and at about hour 3, I puked. I don't really want to do mescaline again. It didn't feel very healthy. Now I'm on 3-MeO-PCP. I'm feeling pretty good. My withdrawal is fading away, and I am fading in, but only to fade away. Every day I'm feeling better, so that's good. Yep. Just typing. Mining bitcoin still. Making money. I'm still advertising Prophet Launcher when I play Rainbow Six.
August 30, 2019: The amphetamine withdrawal from when I accidentally took it ~4 weeks ago hit me today at work around 3 pm today, right on time for when I took it. I only waited like a month before taking it two days in a row, and I got kicked back into awful withdrawal, a cumulative withdrawal! At work, I became soulless, self-berating... I was even on 3-MeO-PCP and I had smoked before work. I saw dark magician girl running up to me to try to save me. I saw myself literally unwinding in a spiral (viewed from above). I couldn't focus and I could barely understand anything. I cried very slightly at work, despite my best attempts to avoid this. I saw a long rainbow dragon with a flaming head and it said to me, "I cannot stop this. You wrought this upon yourself." Then he vanished. And that was when the withdrawal started to climax. It's 8:54, I benched 335 pounds, and I still feel a little withdrawn... Oh well. I just need time. I'm going to take MDMA on my birthday! I'm going to try to get some from the dark web.
<Retrospective> 2/4/2022: I had an adrenal response at the climax of that experience. Everything went slow motion and I saw the world with an unrivaled sense of clarity as the hallucinations completely disappeared.
September 1, 2019: 3-MeO-PCP is great on the comedown of MDMA. The roll kinda picks back up again. Yesterday I did 2 hits of LSD and plugged copious amounts of 3-MeO-PCP. I woke up this morning still so high on 3-MeO-PCP I had rainbow OEV. I took the MDMA this morning and it made me feel lots of things for a few hours. I plugged 25 mg 3-MeO-PCP 7.5 hours after dosing MDMA and I became rejuvenated. The visuals are pretty strong. Lots of tracers. I can still see and feel beautiful rainbow girls fucking me. I plan to take some 5-HTP before bed and some more in the morning. What a wonderful experience. I've done nitrous and MDMA together before and I was very much impressed. This is nice. I took the 3-MeO-PCP so late because the SRI properties had me worried. I'm glad the day is going well. I think it would be unwise to take lots of MDMA and 3-MeO-PCP at the same time. And now I have no more MDMA. Time to smoke and save my serotonin for a few months out.
September 2, 2019: I'm going to focus on work and making money now. I took some MDMA I got from Chuku and it was pretty lit. He told me to take half, so I took just over half of a pill. It was pretty psychedelic.
September 3, 2019: I haven't written this down yet but it is necessary. Amphetamine sulphate tricks my mind into blaming everything except amphetamine for my problems to get me to take more amphetamine! Like when I was super paranoid and heard "you want your molly don't you?" in my head at night the day after doing MDMA, even though MDMA wouldn't make me paranoid.
September 5, 2019: It seems the optimal solution might be to take amphetamine M-F for 2-3 weeks every 4+ months. Then use 3-MeO-PCP and weed for the withdrawal. LSD on the weekends. MDMA once every 3+ months. No MDA because it just doesn't sit right with me. The MDMA really seemed to fix something in me. Dosing 3-MeO-PCP 7-8 hours after the MDMA is good. 5-HTP is good about 12 hours after the MDMA or before I sleep, but it's best to take MDMA in the morning so I can enjoy it the whole day. The bulk of the experience is over in about 5 hours, but the residual effects are still hitting me even today.
September 6, 2019: The earliest I think I'm going to consider taking amphetamine is January 1. I think if I just keep to weed, dissos, and psychs, I'll be good to go son.
September 21, 2019: I guess Teja likes what I have going on. That's cool. I'm going to try to get with Teja. I've got to find the right rhythm with amphetamine sulphate and everything will be Gucci Mayne.
LSD - http://dg7xdaiioo32dstq.onion/product/47990/110/237109
$400
MDMA - http://dg7xdaiioo32dstq.onion/product/35067/88/156689
$215
Weed - http://cj7i3krb22ore2vw.onion/product/28230/73/158108
$990
Total - $1610 - .199 BTC
September 26, 2019: Things seem to be going well with Teja. If it doesn't work out, that's cool too. I just ordered a bunch of good drugs! I got a small amount of niggas but a large of clips. I like to maintain order within my dominion.
October 1, 2019: I roll with 2 you roll with me. He means he can't choose from 2 choices from ADHD so he takes amphetamine. He means if he rolls and he isn't feeling 100% (2) then he takes amphetamine. I just took amphetamine after two months and I think it was the right time. I took MDMA two months in a row after quitting amphetamine as well. Irrespective of his stuff, what I just did worked for me. I have to listen to how I feel and quit the amphetmaine when it's the right time; the only rules are the ones I forget.
October 5, 2019: At some point, I want to make a 3D game wherein a crow collects shinies. 3rd person and 1st person support. Like Spyro but a flying crow (maybe starts out unable to fly?).
Prophet Launcher weapon bug fix
Aspect ratio bug fix
Balancing improvements
October 12, 2019: I'm only going to do 3-MeO-PCP on the weekends. Also, I'm only going to eat it. I'm going to wear my Prophet Launcher T-shirt.
October 14, 2019: Okay, well that didn't work out. I snorted 17 mg 3-MeO-PCP and then like 10 mg more or something.
<amp day>October 15, 2019: Well, I just took 7 mg amphetamine sulphate and 10 mg 3-MeO-PCP. I'm going to take 4 mg amphetamine two times per day until I want to stop. I might increase the dosage.
October 19, 2019: Prophet Launcher notes:
Add new ending animation
Increased sprite sizes
Improve matrix map spawn logic
Balancing updates
Fix inability to simultaneously use abilities and joysticks
Bug fixes
October 20, 2019: I'm still on my twice daily amphetamine sulphate schedule.
October 21, 2019: I'm doing 8 mg twice daily now, and if I do less, I'll get some withdrawal. I just took 175 mg MDMA. I expect that to work out well in the future.
October 22, 2019: I got to sleep after 6 hours after that MDMA. I jacked off for only an hour lol. I felt fine today while my amphetamine sulphate was in effect.
October 24, 2019: I've been on a break from 3-MeO-PCP since October 15. I've been on it every day since May, and I've been on it almost every day since February haha. I don't mind. I feel fantastic. No hangovers whatsoever from quitting. Lol. I'm a beast! I'm going to do it Saturday!
October 29, 2019: I took 4-HO-MET and 3-MeO-PCP. I'm still doing the amphetamine. The ceiling of rainbow mouths spoke softly to me. Story time. After I got evicted, I was going to kill myself. I was going to plug an entire half gram of black tar heroin and die. I did like 200 whippets, and then I did like 20 mg of heroin, and then I loaded up the last mega bit of heroin and said I was going to do it. I didn't. I said I wanted to experience 3-MeO-PCP one last time too. Where the whippets and everything else failed, the 3-MeO-PCP saved my life. I resolved to go back to work and try to make things work again. And things worked, yet I lost my resolve once more just to take it back again! I know this information will be useful, the peacefulness I experienced with my amphetamine's light and my 3-MeO-PCP's light. Here I stand, and here I go! Lol.
November 1, 2019: I'm moving forward.
November 3, 2019: I wrote this on reddit: Going into a K-hole means I can forget about my amphetamine sulphate addiction (ADHD). I'll always treasure and look fondly back to memories of the beauty dissociatives have shown me. Ketamine really inspired me to create music. I'll always treasure the mania DCK and 3-MeO-PCP gave me to write metaphors and program code. I'll never forget that feeling of internal peace I felt in my MXE hole. I'll never forget that white mist of the dissociative void that is my inner glow.
November 7, 2019: I shall generate a shadowed shape atop my reaper's cloak and animate it with the bone tool. Prophet Launcher notes:
Fix Osama glitches
Fix end animation position glitch
Reaper art update
November 15, 2019: I've updated Prophet Launcher recently. Update notes:
Updated player sprite and animation
New reaper art
Volume and resolution options
UI updates
Camera movement update
RAM usage improvements
APK Expansion support
Bug fixes
November 16, 2019: I'm quitting 3-MeO-PCP for a while. I've said it before, but now it's inhibiting me from doing stuff because I want to be fucked up on it all the time. In Prophet Launcher, I must dynamically allocate the end animation to save RAM.
November 17, 2019: I've decided I'm not quitting 3-MeO-PCP for a while after all haha. I just smoked about 7-8 mg and I've got a buzzing feeling with light rainbow visuals. I just did pullups with 105 pounds. I released Prophet Launcher 3.5. Here are the update notes for 3.51:
Updated third map art
Updated hard mode: defeat the horde with only your starting weapon and abilities.
Updated easy mode: take half damage from enemies.
FPS display transparency option
UI improvements
Updated camera behavior and bounds
Bug fixes and optimizations
November 23, 2019: My old pipe was called Sublime! I finally remember! I tried to remember about a month ago, and I couldn't.
December 1, 2019: 3-MeO-PCP has given me a stutter after about 10 months of nonstop use. I've gone through over 10 grams in these 10 months. I'm going to stop for now. Psychedelic drugs bring back my clarity when I'm on 3-MeO-PCP. Psychedelic drugs mitigate the neurotoxicity induced by dissociative drugs. I'm going to quit 3-MeO-PCP for a while and use psychedelic drugs, weed, and amphetamine only. Honestly, 3-MeO-PCP is a damn great drug without many side effects. DCK was the hardest drug I've ever done. DCK gave me a prolonged stutter after using it for only two days. I don't feel I've done any permanent damage.
December 2, 2019: I've stopped using 3-MeO-PCP for two days so far. I'm going to quit for 2-3 weeks. Here are my update notes for Prophet Launcher:
Headshot damage multipliers
New player spawn animation
New enemy projectile end animations
Final boss speed fix!
First boss spawn fix!
Balancing updates
Enabled OpenGLES2 driver as a fallback (primary driver is OpenGL3)
Bug fixes
December 8, 2019: I made brownies with 32 grams of avb in them. I also just made breakfast burritos. I smoked some DMT sprinkled between weed. I felt a great rush of euphoria and pride overcome me as I sat with legs crossed. I stared into the TV; it was my website dissipating into rainbow triangles and squares. I saw the words on my TV morph into me and then morph into a finger that pointed to the right. The words morphed into a crowd of people pointing to the right. I felt successful.
December 10, 2019: Prophet Launcher update notes:
Added weapon swap ability
Improved player art
Increased joystick transparency and size
Increased critical hit indicator's visibility
Improved shotgun spread behavior
Balancing updates
Massively reduced RAM usage of large sprites
Bug fixes
December 11, 2019: My Clifton Strengthsfinder strengths are as follows: intellection, futurism, input, analysis, and strategy. Together intellection, futurism, input, analysis, and strategy show my strategic strength. In said order, these strengths tell a story in the formation of a plan. Below are my Prophet Launcher update notes:
Added ascent upgrade
Added damage to Soul Shield ability to make Soulflare
Updated ending art
UI improvements
Balancing updates
Bug fixes
December 15, 2019: 3-MeO-PCP makes it impossible to remember if I took my ADHD medication or not. I have to put it down. There's no way this can work. I simply want to focus. I am putting down 3-MeO-PCP for a while now. I see 8 white rays shining down from my periphery into the center of my field of vision, and it is symmetrical. A voice screamed in my head to EEEEEEEEAT! As I type, I hear a squeaky voice screaming at me to eat food with really fast and sometimes overlapping words. I saw a rainbow blob with my eyes closed. My laptop has a face and is looking at me. A few days ago, I saw three rainbow girls laughing and pointing finger guns at their head while staring into my eyes. They split into a whole crowd of like 50 rainbow girls and then morphed back into a single rainbow girl. My vision zoomed in and out and fragmented the girl into more girls over and over. It was a manifestation of me. I must stop using dissos like this or I will black out and never wake up again.
December 20, 2019: Prophet Launcher notes:
Added custom color theming for player hair and Matriarch map
Enabled the options menu in the pause menu
Added a fade transition to the ending screen
Improved enemy projectile dissipation
Added aerial damage to the lightning's bolts
UI improvements
Balancing updates
Bug fixes
December 23, 2019: 8 days after last doing 3-MeO-PCP, I worked out after work and got hungry at 1:30 A.M. I smoked two bowls from my new pipe and saw rainbow faces and torsos looking at me and demanding I eat. I saw some red lips looking at me and telling me to eat in an annoying squeaky voice. I heard "feed me Joseph" in a super low voice. I ate 7 Reeses and used some more mouthwash.
December 26, 2019: It's 2:50 AM. I'm laughing my ass off in bed after doing my usual amphetamine and then 32 mg 3-MeO-PCP + 100 ug LSD. I see my torso and my face formed from a white mist that jokes "Yeah I'll rip your fucking soul off." It was my whole face, and while that was said, from the right the manifestation was whisked as white flames into the black void of my mind. This manifestation was also smoothly transitioning from my face to a skull over and over. I have to go to work at 7:30. Laying in bed with my eyes closed is the same as my eyes open. I watched Breezy jump onto my bed with my eyes closed while it happened in real life. I'm a beast.
December 29, 2019: I did 22 mg amphetamine and I went back to sleep from 7:30 to 11:30. Then I took 23 mg more amphetamine and contemplated doing 3-MeO-PCP for an hour. I just did 15 mg 3-MeO-PCP. I'm going to wait 40 minutes and then do 15 mg more. I'm going to do 15 mg every 45 minutes to an hour until I'm high enough. Doing large doses of 3-MeO-PCP isn't as effective as doing small doses over a long period of time. I really want to get with Vi. I'll stop doing dissociative drugs all the time when I get a girlfriend. I still want to get fucked up, but I want to focus on a girlfriend instead of getting fucked up all day every day. I'm not ashamed of getting fucked up like this; I've accomplished a lot, but I want to do something else. I snorted a bunch of 3-MeO-PCP two days ago and I had wild visuals, but I ate about 70 mg yesterday and I barely was even that high. Snorting 3-MeO-PCP is the most potent ROA; I have laid this to rest as the end of the story.
So here is my story:
+15 mg 3-MeO-PCP at 12:45
+15 mg at 1:30
+15 mg at 2:30 Visuals and vanity are encroaching
I stopped because it seems so pointless. I'm only motivated to do more 3-MeO-PCP, and I'm not even motivated to do that. Something tells me to do more 3-MeO-PCP, but something tells me to stop. I posted this on reddit:
Well, it's story time. This is where shit gets real.
I had given up all hope and was convinced that I must die. I have ADHD and have had recurring thoughts of suicide since I was like 5. I prayed for god to come kill me back then when I still believed in god. I stopped believing in god around that time too and I've been an atheist since then.
Fast forward to 30 months ago. My ADHD had become so bad I was hallucinating, couldn't read, and had persistent thoughts of suicide all day. I fixed myself by a strict regiment of amphetamine sulphate. After 5 months I then I quit the amphetamine because I was super paranoid, still suicidal, and I was constantly looking for ways to get rid of the amphetamine plaguing my mind just like when I was a kid. However, when I quit I experienced the worst pain I've ever felt as a jackhammer was plunged into the back of my head. I still had cravings and withdrawals 3 months later, and some bullshit happened that set me into a terrible spiral of self-hate. I order a gram of black tar heroin to kill myself because I know it would be the best way to die. I've only done heroin once before and I didn't like it very much, but I decide to do a little bit of heroin first and whippets before I die. I do about 20 mg of heroin plugged up my ass and it solidifies my decision to die as I proceed to inhale 120 canisters of laughing gas. I'm about to plug 980 mg of heroin into my ass and say goodbye to my slavery forever. I remember I have some 3-MeO-PCP as well, and I figure I should die a fucking beast. I snort a about 33 mg of 3-MeO-PCP. Like magic, I decide that I must live and everything was easily solvable. My suicidal thoughts vanished once more.
Here I am 18 months after that. I've done over 20 grams of 3-MeO-PCP. I love 3-MeO-PCP because it lets me say fuck you to this amphetamine sulphate addiction that wraps my mind all day. It gives me power over that which has haunted me my whole life. Yet, eventually I needed to take more amphetamine sulphate. Without it I am powerless. So here I am taking massive amounts of 3-MeO-PCP while I take amphetamine sulphate too. Something inside me tells me to stop taking 3-MeO-PCP, but something inside me tells me not to quit 3-MeO-PCP because it saved my life.
I don't like that I have had these desires of death my whole life, but I'm glad I have conquered them. Still, these desires won't go away, and now I had rainbow girls pointing finger guns at their heads and laughing at me not that long ago. I know that taking large amounts of 3-MeO-PCP and amphetamine sulphate is a recipe for disaster. I know that eventually the power of amphetamine sulphate will overpower the will of the 3-MeO-PCP and I could die in a vain attempt to "be myself." I don't want to poison the world with my story, but you may have it.
I'm not sure if I should tell you to stay away from 3-MeO-PCP. I do not intend to stop doing 3-MeO-PCP, but I intend to stop doing it every day. It is difficult to put down 3-MeO-PCP because I don't suffer any negative feelings as a result of it. 3-MeO-PCP and amphetamine sulphate are just not meant to be together forever. The combination felt fantastic at first, but now I feel my vanity may get the better of me. The combination of ADHD, dissociative drugs, and amphetamine sulphate is a recipe for a disasterpiece. If you can't ride two horses, get out of the circus. What I am, what I want, I'm only after death. Now, look at me, the richest nigga in the room. I'm the richest nigga. I'm the richest nigga. Peace.
I've tried 42 different drugs to get high. I loved them all, but the more I do them, the less I want to do them. I just took MDMA although I didn't really want to take MDMA. The more I take MDMA, the less I want to do MDMA, just like with MDA, DMT, 2C-E, DOM, DOC, DCK, MXE, nitrous oxide, ketamine, and now even 3-MeO-PCP. Dissociative drugs aren't really that addictive, but I can feel myself building an addiction and changing my brain. I can feel my brain changing at night when I begin to see rainbow blobs and pressure in my head. Something about it reminds me of my time with DCK. I know DCK is a damaging dissociative. It made me stutter after only two days of use, and it was the most moreish drug I've ever done. I couldn't eat it or snort it because of the nausea, so I plugged it. I used 2.5 grams. It was quite incredible.
Every time I do massive amounts of dissociative drugs, I can hear my inner voice tell me to stop. I love the beautiful visuals. The vibrating sensations of euphoria are beautiful, but they are less intense the more I feel them. Now even LSD and DMT aren't enough to spawn them. MDMA combined with nitrous gave me these splendid vibrating sensations for a while, but they are less intense the more I do them, even after long breaks. 3-MeO-PCP used to make me run through my past and swirl my head around like a hurricane. 3-MeO-PCP used to hail me with my inauguration as the president of the world when I did more. Crowds of people jumped for joy in a big arena. Now 3-MeO-PCP showed me my face flipping back and forth between a burning skull and my burning face, telling me "Yeah I'll rip your fucking soul off." I used to get the most wondrous euphoria in my head from completing tasks on 3-MeO-PCP, but now I am forcing myself to do them. Now rainbow figures look down on me at night. I used to want to do massive amounts 3-MeO-PCP, but now I really don't want to do more.
Combining 3-MeO-PCP with DMT was the most wondrous experience, but every time I do that it feels like I am dying and being reborn over and over. I watched a manifestation of myself with my flesh melting off the bones. I did DMT with 3-MeO-PCP not long ago, but I don't want to black out on it. Something about that experience is quite unnerving but beautiful. I can feel my adrenaline being released during that experience.
<Retrospective> 2/4/2022: I'm still skeptical of the employment of my adrenal system, and that notion before was only a hypothesis. Most of my early notions about drugs are hypotheses as they should be.
When I quit amphetamine while I was still on 3-MeO-PCP, I could feel my adrenaline being released right on time. Right before that, a beautiful dark magician girl was running up to me with maniacal laughter and shouting, "I'll save you!" I saw a rainbow train steaming toward me as the intensity began to increase. A rainbow dragon curled up to face me with a flaming face and told me, "You wrought this on yourself" as it vanished under the weight of the adrenaline. I opened my eyes to a stupefied, slow motion clarity.
January 2, 2020: I've been using 3-MeO-PCP for about two years straight. Since October 2017, I've gone through over 20 grams of 3-MeO-PCP. I've blacked out and blacked in wandering around outside looking for stuff I've lost. I've blacked in with blood on my hands from stumbling around so much. I can feel a pain grip my kidneys and bladder. I used to have crowds of women hailing me as the president of the world when I snort/plug/eat lines of 3-MeO-PCP. Now as I "awaken" in my bed at night from an icy stupor of 3-MeO-PCP and nitrous oxide a lone rainbow girl looks down on me with a cold stare and asks, "Why do you hasten your demise?" Her face glitches back and forth between this cold stare of a faceless mask and the devilish grin of a beautifully realistic anime woman like General Esdeath from Akame ga Kill. She remains cloaked and floats above me with liquid feathered wings and a shining white scythe that begins to pierce through my brain as crystal stalactites of heartwarming pain. At night, a thousand squeaky voices in my head begin to scream at me as I can feel the onset of changes in my brain. I receive random pains in my body as it feels my bones are weakening. My body begins to involuntarily twitch. I start to itch and crave for the NMDA antagonism although it once gave me relief from the itches and cravings I have for amphetamine sulphate. Invisible serpents slither around my ears, eyes, and back as manifestations of my desire for more NMDA antagonism. I begin to wish for more NDMA antagonism, but as soon as I deliver it unto myself, every sense in my being tells me to look away. I know in my very being that anesthetic twitch shall eventually be my deathbed as I have felt the very same deathly convulsion from consuming 750 mg of MDMA in a night. It feels as if my entire body is sheering away from itself. One nitrous cartridge blacks me out for over 10 minutes and frenzies me. As I awaken from my stupor of 3-MeO-PCP and nitrous to do more nitrous, I hesitate to do more nitrous because my visual, auditory, and tactile hallucinations me that next hit of nitrous will be my very last. The hallucinations linger longer and longer every day, and I know it's going to take at least two weeks to come down now. I have been chasing my inner beauty yet fostering a twisted slope to my inner demise. I shall turn back now before there is nowhere left to turn.
January 6, 2020: I'm not going to quit 3-MeO-PCP. I might quit later. I'm going to take a 3-4 week break from that. I am quitting nitrous oxide. That shit hurt lol. Prophet Launcher notes:
New Jesus art
Animated Misthaven and enabled theming
Rethemed the AMOLED map and enabled theming
Animated the Matriarch map
Balancing updates
Bug fixes
January 9, 2020: I've been feeling lightning shooting down my prefrontal cortex for about a month now. Now I'm on 26 mg, 26 mg, and 17 mg amphetamine sulphate every day. I'm going to get a prescription soon. Prophet Launcher notes:
Added boss life bars
Added upgrade progress bars
Rethemed the final weapon to shoot white fire
Balancing updates
Bug fixes
January 13, 2020: I flushed about 25 grams of 3-MeO-PCP. I've done over 20 grams of 3-MeO-PCP. I saw all kinds of faces and shapes contorting and screaming at me last night. I snorted about 30 mg of 3-MeO-PCP and then I ate 40 mg after like 5 hours. It's a futile game. I did a few whippets. The first couple only hurt, but the next few felt okay. I felt the dissociative body vibrations after a few, but I still didn't want to do more because each one hurt before it felt good. I hear voices in my head, pressure in my brain, and the 3-MeO-PCP lasts longer and longer the more I do it. It's going to take two weeks for me to come down. I saw a rainbow silhouette doing backflips, growing wings, and kicking me in the face. I saw sadistic mouths growing in the ceiling and they spoke to me. I saw a white anonymous mask form out of my chair, which then shaped into a full sized person staring at me. The body glitched between standing upright and the torso bent into the knees and slumped across the ground, its face of longing staring at me with cheek to the ground. I saw a massive cockroach buzzing at me. I saw rainbow blobs oozing and melting. I saw crowds of people running at me. I can feel sadistic flames rise from my body and eyes as once my almighty wings unfurled from my body and eyes. Again, I feel serpents slither circles around my back, eyes, and arms. This is what I heard the squeaky voices tell me this time:
Yes Joseph, is this what you want?
Do you have me now?
Hahahahahahah (layered laughs fading out)
I saw Michael Meyers glitch into Jason and turn toward me to say, "You'll love this." With a bloody machete, he shafted and twisted into my brain, asking me in the voice of Handsome Jack, "Yeah, do you feel that?"
I know I am now manifesting an addiction to 3-MeO-PCP. I've screwed up so much stuff on 3-MeO-PCP, but I also made so many things. I made Prophet Launcher. I broke my Asus ROG Phone 2's sim tray. I stayed up all night so many nights. I witnessed my inner beauty. I lost 30 grams of amphetamine sulphate. I convinced myself life is worth living 19 months ago. That was 19 months ago, but it feels like yesterday.
January 16, 2020: I still feel serpents slithering around my body in search of 3-MeO-PCP. My nitrous addiction has already basically faded away. I feel something circling around the tip of my nose. It's all good.
January 17, 2020: Prophet Launcher notes:
Endgame addition
Added info popups to upgrades
Added stars to Misthaven
Balancing updates
Bug fixes
January 23, 2020: Prophet Launcher notes:
New character designs
Dark M4 and reworked gold weapon skin progression
Indicated ability recharge time by icon transparency
Bug fixes
T-shirt(-7,-2) ; pants(-12,-17) ; dark-arm(-62.7,-72.6) ; light-arm()
January 26, 2020: I feel pressure in my head like my brain is compressing. This has been going on for about 45 minutes and it started 5 hours after my last dose. I do not want more dissociation. I must stop because the warning signs are there.
February 13, 2020: I plugged 6 mg of 5-MeO-DMT yesterday while on 3-MeO-PCP and amphetamine. It really made me want to move to California. I took 46 mg amphetamine x2 and 28 mg amphetamine. I railed about 35 mg 3-MeO-PCP and had 30 mg mixed with my two capsules of amphetamine I take at work every day. I talked to Teja about my current issues and how to move forward. I still want to talk to her. I plugged 5 mg 5-MeO-DMT and 15 mg DMT and now I have a resolution. I'm going to quit amphetamine for now. I've no desire to do anything other than black out. I think instead of tapering I should just quit. I'm going to quit tomorrow, and I'm going to use MDMA on Saturday. I will do MDMA, 3-MeO-PCP, or LSD on Sunday. I have yet to decide.
February 14, 2020: After conversing with Teja, I have resolved to continue my amphetamine treatment to enhance my ego until there does not exist any inner conflict around the issue. I will continue to think positively. If my aunt Vickie does not follow through on Sunday, I'll arrange driving classes.
February 16, 2020: I'ved been faced with quitting amphetamine very strongly at 3 weeks and 4 months. I wonder if this will be a repeating pattern. Prophet Launcher notes:
New player animations
Updated jesus art
<Retrospective><amp quit day> February 21, 2020: Quit amphetamine today.
<Retrospective> February 24, 2020: It felt like I was dying. It felt like my brain was draining on the inside, like it was physically receding in size. I took MDMA and it stopped that. MDMA mimics amphetamine neurotransmitter release.
<<Coronavirus Corona>>
March 24, 2020: I got a new MSI GE75 9SG. I updated Prophet Launcher with a Prettyfall map, dropdowns, and some bug fixes.
<Retrospective> March 26, 2020: I noted my first coronavirus symptom on March 26, 2020. Exactly 2 weeks before that, March 12, Verizon Connect started working remotely. I called out that Friday because I was feeling shitty again from what I thought was quitting ADHD medication. I picked up my stuff to work remotely on Monday, March 16. The last time I rode MARTA to get to work, and at all, was March 17, 2020 to meet with IT. I knew I was sick with coronavirus and showing symptoms of that virus on March 26. That means I was infected around March 12, March 16, or March 17. Since nobody else at work reported showing symptoms of coronavirus at the same time as me until I quit, I do believe I was infected with coronavirus on March 16 or March 17 of 2020. I remember not feeling well riding the MARTA to get help from IT on March 17. I thought nothing of it at the time since I was dealing with amphetamine withdrawal. I'm pretty sure I got infected March 11. For a couple days, I also thought the coronavirus was fake and some sort of elaborate trick for me like a lot of other pieces in my life.
April 6, 2020: Prophet Launcher notes:
Improved railgun blast (flame effects)
UI improvements
Bug fixes: general options, keyboard/controller UI navigation
April 7, 2020: I have been sick with the coronavirus for about 12 days now. This coronavirus needs to go away. I've had a sneeze and cough for a while. I coughed up some yellow stuff a week back. Now I just coughed up some black stuff after I smoked DMT. The coronavirus lasts a while. This is normal. I read symptoms lasted up to 41 days.
April 16, 2020: I refined the railgun animation in Prophet Launcher. Notes:
Refined railgun animation
Improved pistol audio effect
Improved upgrade sound effect
Improved audio leveling
April 17, 2020: 3-MeO-PCP makes my coronavirus worse. I could feel the virus stabbing up my neck. DMT, 4-HO-MET, and MDMA (just took it after 9 days) make my coronavirus situation better. I also suspect marijuana to do the same to a lesser extent.
April 23, 2020: I'm about to smoke 30 mg DMT. I hope the DMT kills the coronavirus. Prophet Launcher notes:
Improved final boss art
Improved collision
Increased final mob enemy visibility
Improved UI and diction
Bug fixes
The rainbow creatures that grace the white light of DMT are beautiful, and they spoke to me. They told me to find girls lol. I saw dragons, dogs, snakes, Chinese dragons, anime girls, and I also exploded a soldier for some reason and gained a lot of points all over my screen. The screen of my mind lol. And there was a point where the world was white light as far as the eye could see. Several of those points actually. I'm having fun.
April 28, 2020: I'm having fun collecting my paycheck. I was actually going to quit my job. I'm collecting money by sitting on my ass. That's the best part of software development. Mariconsitas are little faggot girls in Spanish. I get paid to chant mariconcitas with my teammates in Call of Duty Modern Warfare. I got paid to smoke weed, talk to Teja, and take 4-HO-MET and 3-MeO-PCP. I got paid to go to Publix. I've been paid to work on Prophet Launcher. Lol.
May 1, 2020: I'm so tired. I took preworkout and 3-MeO-PCP and I'm still tired. I woke up, snorted 10 mg of 3-MeO-PCP yesterday, did my virtual standup for work, and went back to sleep for 3 hours. Today, I gave up lifting weights for now because I just can't push the weight. I feel so weak. Everything is gay. I don't want to do anything. I'ma smoke some weed and DMT and lay in bed. Maybe I lose on my deadlift. Fuck it. Everything hurts. I feel like shit and I'm tired. Nothing relieves my tiredness, not even laying down. It's the coronavirus. Son of a bitch. I've got to stop doing 3-MeO-PCP for now. I've got to stick to LSD and DMT and MDMA for like 3 weeks or something. I'm coughing. My arm hurts. I can't even lift my normal weight one time. I haven't wanted to do anything all day today. Perhaps I am withdrawing from 4-HO-MET? I think that is the case actually... I think the combination of my withdrawal from 4-HO-MET and amphetamine along with my consumption of caffeine aggravating my withdrawal from amphetamine and possibly 4-HO-MET... I know 4-HO-MET is a weak dopamine releaser because I read it agonizes TAAR-1 in human tissue. It is also a weak norepinephrine inhibitor like cocaine or MDPV. That's bad. I think 4-HO-MET might aggravate my amphetamine withdrawal like Vyvanse would. I must stop taking 4-HO-MET as it is a TAAR-1 agonist. I once dosed it three times in a day, even with the long legs. I'm going to take 100 mg MDMA tomorrow. If I'm up for it, I'll lift weights Sunday.
May 3, 2020: Prophet Launcher notes:
New explosion for custom prophets
Balancing updates to speed up gameplay
Randomized visibility of mob enemies
Adjusted visibility of most sprites
Updated M4 art
Bug fixes
May 4, 2020: I need 56k for my Tesla, and I've saved 32k. Yay! I'm beating the coronavirus too. Yay! Prophet Launcher notes:
Balancing updates
Bug fixes
May 5, 2020: 4-HO-MET is an addictive psychedelic drug. I'm never doing 4-HO-MET again. It is addictive. Combiningn. I'm hihg sfuck as oneoaf3-MeOpCPpbut I want more 4-HO-MET. I'm quitting 4-HO-MET. I feel pain in my head. I feel a longing for more 4-HO-MET. I get littlie bumpsof elecreictifittitsti;slfidjfsfa;dfisjfifjafdifjele. I got jolted with eletrcrictityty to do more 4-HO-MET. 4-HO-MET is addictive. Case closed. I have very intense cravings for more 4-HO-MET for some reason. I'm never doing 4-HO-MET again. This drug is actually fucked up.
Holy shit. This is like 5 hours later or something. I have an ominous sensation. Basically I think 4-HO-MET is psychedelic cocaine. Lol. Fuck 4-HO-MET. I feel a pressure to do more 4-HO-MET. There was something mechanical I could feel in my desire to do more 4-HO-MET. This is some dirty sprite yo. I feel some pains. It feels the opposite of the lovely feeling I got from 4-HO-MET. I also feel a little "sprity" where it feels like I'm burning on the inside.
May 8, 2020: I have 2.76 BTC now!
May 9, 2020: I took another 115 mg of MDMA. Prophet Launcher notes:
Improved launcher icon
Final enemy visibility adjustments
Balancing updates (especially end game)
Crash fix: final boss defeat
May 11, 2020: I pushed out Prophet Launcher to Steam! The release date is set as 6/9/2020.
May 20, 2020: <Retrospective> I had very good results with 900 mg DXM polistirex + 250 ug LSD + lots of weed. I saw a real life fire and it looked like a minecraft fire. Next thing I know it's made out of orbs. Squares. Circles. Tetrahedrons. I could make my environment formed from whatever I wanted. The fire was especially interesting. I didn't get a good look at any bodies of water, but I bet that wood be amazing to gaze upon.
May 23, 2020: Everything seems like it's fucked up.
May 24, 2020: I've vaped a fuckton of DMT. I did a 5-MeO-DMT + DMT combo that was particularly euphoric.
May 27, 2020: <Retrospective> I plugged about 35 mg of 5-MeO-DMT after doing like 50 mg of 3-MeO-PCP that day back in February. I had the most wondrous bodily sensations. I could feel my body vibrating away off my bed and into the sky in a swirly motion. It was as if I as being pulled from my bed by some gentle force of euphoric beauty that was within me the whole time. I saw the visuals unfold into the feathers of a keen rainbow owl gazing into my eyes as its ruffling wings enveloped me with euphoria. This was a manifestation of the determination 5-MeO-DMT gave me. I didn't see any white light and didn't black out, so I didn't break through, although I must have been close because 5-MeO-DMT does have limited visuals compared to DMT.
May 30, 2020: I've done a bunch of this S-ketamine. It's real good stuff. My nose is stuffed.
June 1, 2020: I wasn't feeling too great with my handling of the coronavirus. On Friday, I had a headache, pressure in my big toe, lethargy, and of course lots of coughing and white, bubbly, acidic phlegm. Well today I vaped 40 mg of DMT (I accidentally vaped 30 mg too hotly). I started blacking out and hacking up my lungs. It felt like something had invaded my lungs. It's a strange sensation. I thought I was dying of some contaminant in my lungs. Well I come to from my blackout shouting, "Motherfucker tried to assassinate me!" I thought the vape had broken and I had inhaled its plastic particulates into my lungs. I look down and see that this is false. There was about 2 full tablespoons of that viscous white virus phlegm on my bed and floor. My lungs and sinuses felt clear. I felt amazingly confident. Wow. That purge had me feeling awful until I went to sleep.
June 7, 2020: I just lost my glasses on a 3-MeO-PCP blackout. I've lost my Asus ROG Phone 2 sim tray, my glasses, and 30 grams of amphetamine sulphate to 3-MeO-PCP blackouts. Fuck this shit. I quit. For now. For a long time. I'm pissed off. I'm sticking to psychedelics for now. Well it's 3:30 now. I hear some kinda bell sound echoing and I want more 3-MeO-PCP. I'm addicted for sure. I blacked the fuck out. I'm going to quit for a while. I have visuals lol. I smoked and vaped some DMT. That should hold my immune system steady. I must not use any more dissociative drugs until I am sure that I am done with the coronavirus. I read that dextromethorphan proliferates the coronavirus. I know that 3-MeO-PCP will do the same. It is a miracle I am alive honestly. I have weed and DMT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
June 9, 2020: Yo I recked all these guys messing with me. I took some 3-MeO-PCP after a 5 day hiatus due to coronavirus. They all hate me at work lol because I spew the truth in the chat. Oops. I also have 3.5 BTC. Weird, at night, I ejected some coronavirus from my eyes. My eyes have been dry for like a week now. Now they finally wet themselves naturally after expelling that coronavirus. The problem is, the coronavirus expulsion was painful. It was that white acidic stuff... It burned my eyes!!!! I also had a runny nose at the same time so I was like WTF? I was smoking playing S&D in Modern Warfare, and I had to put down the game and run to the bathroom to flush my eyes with water. I felt pretty good after though.
June 10, 2020: After 110 days, my amphetamine withdrawal appears to have hit a peak. This is about the same time 2 years ago that I wanted to kill myself. I can feel those feelings returning along with a strong desire to use more amphetamine. I accidentally spammed my Verizon chat rambling about ADHD. It is strange, because I haven't felt this way in a while (the MDMA really helped until now). I felt bad before, and I even had the shivers a few days after I quit. But I didn't want to kill myself until just about right now. I even took a large dose of MDMA four days ago. It is quite strange.
June 12, 2020: I took a COVID-19 antibody test today. They were yelling for me to get out because I "had symptoms". I didn't have symptoms. I had to yell "WHAT?" because the doctor manager guy threatened to call the cops on me. The nurse girls were nice though they wanted me to leave too. They didn't even know how much blood they took from me. I had to tell them it was like 30 mL.
June 13, 2020: I took 30 mg TMA-2 today. I also just took 12 mg 3-MeO-PCP, and I'm smoking some weed. This should be fun! I'm feeling high, tingly, and giddy already! I took like 12 more mg of 3-MeO-PCP, and I feel incredible! Mostly stimmy, I don't remember any visuals. I mostly saw and see some wavy rainbow lines, nothing too fancy. I called a lot of people in Modern Warfare niggerfaggot, promoted Prophet Launcher, and got the Renetti burst fire mode on Scrapyard. I was pretty euphoric. There was no nausea. The vasoconstriction was and is a little weird though.
June 15, 2020: I think I'm finally 100% coronavirus free. I coughed my last phlegm about 5 days ago. That marks exactly 90 days I've recorded coronavirus symptoms. March 13 is when I recorded my first symptom. That's a long lasting virus. I also have 3.74 BTC now. I'm worth 35k. Prophet Launcher 3D FPS: Defend the upside down burning cross against the incursion of jesus, buddha, etc. I feel like I'm on DOM. I think TMA-2 finally metabolizes to a small amount of DOM! It has 3 methoxy groups, and if you cleave one off, it's awful close to DOM.I've felt some weird metabolic effects of TMA-2
I have a strong suspicion I metabolized it somehow to DOM
I'm tripping slightly again today
Could 2,4,5-trimethoxyamphetamine reduce to 2,5-Dimethoxy-4-methylamphetamine?
I'm thinking so somehow
...
I'm quite pleased with my experience.
MDMA reduces to MDA. MDMA is mostly serotonin with a small amount of dopamine, but MDA is a full triple releaser of DA/NE/5-HT.
June 16, 2020: I'm playing Red Dead Redemption 2 in real life with 3-MeO-PCP, psychedelics, and weed lol.
June 18, 2020: Prophet Launcher 3.76 notes:
Updated the M4 weapon to allow for close range combat
June 21, 2020: I saw the blinding white shards of 2C-C. Black and white. Now I see rainbows. A rainbow nigga like the cover of Digital Renegade by I See Stars but with pointy sunglasses came in stabbing the air when I had my eyes closed. I realized 2C-C was a norepinephrine releasing agent, and I saw my big ass norepinephrine dick manifested as rainbow hand growing six feet from out my dick. Sombitch. WTF! I took 80 mg oral 2C-C. I was bored on 150 ug ETH-LAD. I saw a goofy looking rainbow Dragon curling and looking at me from the ETH-LAD and then I was like woah because I snorted 2C-C and shit went down. I played some COD. I puked from insufflating that 2C-C before I saw the rainbow dragon. Breezy shat because he was weirded out by the 2C-C I took. A cockroach came at me for some reason. It scurried over my foot while I was on Modern Warfare so I stomped it out. 2C-C is some crazy shit. I took a bunch more 2C-C and kept tripping because it's more on 5HT-2C than 5HT-2A.
June 22, 2020: So 2C-C is a NRA. ETH-LAD might release a small amount of serotonin. I have gained a lot of knowledge by ingesting 2C-C.
<Retrospective> My hypothesis was false. 2C-C is NOT an NRA. I never got addicted to it. It does agonize norepinephrine receptors.
June 24, 2020: I took 35 mg of 3-MeO-PCP plugged at the start of the morning. Then I plugged 15 more mg after an hour. Then I plugged 25 more mg just now after 3 hours. That makes 65 mg in 3 hours. This is weak 3-MeO-PCP though, so I'ma do some more. I'm still bored. 17 more mg for 82 mg total. I got bored so I just ate 29 mg for a total of 111 mg. Okay, after 7 hours, I'm going to eat 36 mg more. I have ingested 147 mg of this 3-MeO-PCP. It's like 50% potency.
I posted this on reddit to better articulate my 2C-C experience:
I saw the blinding white shards of 2C-C OEV. Black and white. My vision was rended like the blinds on your windows. I was worried I would have an ego death. Now I see rainbows. A rainbow dude came in stabbing with a knife when I had my eyes closed. I realized 2C-C was a norepinephrine releasing agent, and I saw my big ass norepinephrine dick manifested as rainbow hand growing six feet from out my dick. Sombitch. WTF! I took 80 mg oral 2C-C. I was bored on 150 ug ETH-LAD. I saw a goofy looking rainbow Dragon curling and looking at me from the ETH-LAD and then I was like woah because I snorted like 15 mg 2C-C and shit went down.
I realize this is a weird trip report, but I wrote the trip report the same day I took these substances. I was on 5 mg 3-MeO-PCP also and stoned from lots of weed too.
I took 8 mg 3-MeO-PCP and smoked some weed. Then I took 150 ug ETH-LAD (first time). I was bored after 2 hours so I was like let's do 2C-C, so I snorted 15 mg of 2C-C and all hell broke loose. I puked a bunch. Then the rainbow dude came in knifin' (kinda similar to my 1.5 mg 25I-NBOMe experience) so I upped the ante and ate 80 mg for the white shards experience. Very reckless, but wowzzz
June 29, 2020: I got the max bounty you can get in Read Dead Redemption 2. It's 1500 dollars.
I must have killed about 100 men in this hotel in Strawberry. Then I walked out, scurried to my horse, turned around and shot a tail lawman, and rode from the riverside grass to the snowy mountains with the law on my tail. My horse fell about 6 feet and got injured. I didn't want to kill the poor thing, but it squealed and died slowly while I hid from the law for about a minute. Then I ran down the snowy mountain, leaving my horse to die because I have no horse reviver potion, and followed a creek to escape the law into the sunset.
Whew...
July 1, 2020: First I wrote this to Anna for some reason lol, but I'm putting some of it here in my journal: I'm taking an extended break from 3-MeO-PCP, and I'm going to take MDMA tomorrow
There's nothing wrong with 3-MeO-PCP, but I need a long tolerance break from dissociative drugs to be honest
I'm going to be doing weed and psychedelics for at least one month
I've gone through like 30 grams of 3-MeO-PCP in my life, and I need a break to reflect
I've taken several breaks
Perhaps I will quit it altogether someday
Yet I see no problem with it.
July 3, 2020: Borderlands 3 is way more morbid than I thought at the start
Well the start is fucked up...
Oh my
There's a reason most of Borderlands 3 is boring...
The game appears to be a clusterfuck of garbage
But it is actually well written underneath...
I was played from the start haha
I knew it
Borderlands 3 is actually good
Besides the grindy fetch quests......
It's all a big metaphor haha
The writers got jokes 4 real haha
I wonder what Borderlands 4 will be...
Borderlands 3 appears to be a big metaphor for self righteous suicide. I still think Borderlands 2 is better than 3. The start of Borderlands 3 hinted this is a simulation. The middle is boring as ever. Then the hints of suicide creep in, more in your face than ever as you search for the pink. The whole thing I think it's sick.
Whew...
Lowkey I was worried I might get bored
I actually gave up on Borderlands 3
Same with Red Dead Redemption 2
I trust these game companies
They had me going for a while
I legitimately wondered if Borderlands 3 was shit
For like 6 months
Fuckin A.
I listened to the little pink bear, and he was right!
<Retrospective> ~July 2020: Anna bought some weed from me, and suspiciously said it was in all ones. I think she wanted to inspire me to go to the strip club. I can't help but wonder if she is a part of this conspiracy to infect me with an STD and use my ADHD to find a cure. Ece seems like she could be one of those government agents in training. She could be a foreign spy.
July 5, 2020: It's 7:45 and I just messaged Anna on Discord again. I told her about my MDMDA I took. I snorted like 75 mg and got pretty high. I jacked off for 4 hours, and then again for like 45 minutes, and then again for like 20 minutes. Here's what I typed to Anna:
I took some MDMA last night at about 11
Well the MDA started hitting me, so I went and did some more at like 2 am......
I looked at the brownish rock in my bag, and I was like, I bet that's actually pure MDA in my bag of MDMA...
As soon as I took it I knew
It releases a large amount of dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin
There is something so twisted about it
The depletion of serotonin and the rapid uptick in production of and release of dopamine and norepinephrine
I know that dopamine can overflow into other receptors
It overflows into serotonin
But there's something that overflows into my glutamate receptors and blocks it too
I do believe excess norepinephrine is responsible for that...
It overflows into similar receptors as DMT and LSD
The serotonin ones
The norepinephrine overflow into my glutamate receptors provides a similar high to PCP.. there are actually two different glutamate receptors, the NMDA and the PCP subtype, and this one only blocks the PCP subtype causing vivid hallucinations of a repeating objects and a washy body feeling dripping of a thick liquid liquid like blood... Combined with the serotonin agonism by the dopamine, I see shapes of silent gingerbread men and beautiful women that sometimes tell me I've done evil things to myself, but will oft smile and laugh so delightfully as well
It is a wicked thing, and I don't really wish to do it again....
I remember I told you about the time I took the drug DOC, and I felt I was underwater being pulled down by chains
I know the drug DOC also releases vast amounts of dopamine and norepinephrine, too much in fact, while also having its own powerful psychedelic effects
I know the drug DOM is a powerful norepinephrine releasing agent and psychedelic like 2C-C, but they both don't release anything else.
I figured I'd tell you this real quick while I'm up for a little bit longer
I see no problem with DOM and 2C-C, but DOC and MDA are certainly twisted things
Lol, I don't regret anything
Everything that I've done was worth it
Also, I know that a problem concurrent with my ADHD problem is a glutamate problem
I don't only have a glutamate blocking problem when I'm off my ADHD medication for a while
When I was off my medication, both my NMDA and PCP sites were not blocked, but there simply was no glutamate activating them
Thus I hallucinated before I got back on my meds, and I started having hallucinations from both of those sites which included seeing rainbow faces and white sinister faces
When the sites are blocked by an agent like ketamine or 3-MeO-PCP, the faces are all happy and singing praise. When nothing is done at the sites by my lack of innate glutamate, the rainbow faces from the PCP sites exhibit all emotions, but the white faces from the NMDA sites are sinister...
It is important to treat my ADHD at least every 3 years for like 4 months, but ideally every 2 years for 4 months
3 times a day of levoamphetamine and dextroamphetamine. Both of them
I feel like I'm writing you a book haha
Oh, back to the glutamate problem that isn't part of my ADHD though
I notice when I am attacked verbally, or when I am hurt physically too much, I will dissociate at the NMDA site... It is a sinister feeling of no glutamate release at the NMDA site...
It is unfortunate, but I will certainly laugh and grin and even slur my words, if I am able to speak them at all
That is a result of the inaction at my NMDA sites...
Cool stuff
Honestly
I think MDA is a releaser and a reuptake inhibitor
I don't like reuptake inhibitors
I need to be more careful
These are dangerous things to tink with
:wink:
July 7, 2020: I had the best time at the Cheetah. I think I met an ADHD girl named Monica. She's cute. I'ma go back Wednesday. I now have 3.97 Bitcoin and $38,000.
July 10, 2020: I have realized that 25I-NBOMe releases a lot of dopamine and norepinephrine. That's why I went insane on it and felt like I was dying and crying for help to Torrance on 1.5 mg 25I-NBOMe. I've come a long way. 25I-NBOMe inspired me to quit drinking alcohol. I'll treasure that memory forever...
<Retrospective> 2/17/22: This realization was bullshit and definitely related to my coronavirus induced ADHD problems in tandem with my ongoing amphetamine addiction.
July 12, 2020: I now have 4.07 bitcoin. I'm getting rich somehow. I have a net worth of $39,600. I have 59 days to move out. No problem.
<<Stripped a Screw>>
July 14, 2020: I got into the Platinum Club for free today. I went yesterday. I got a private dance yesterday, but today I got a private dance again. Five latina girls came on the stage, and one of them was dark skinned and super cute. Her friend said under her breath to me "$200 for everything", and I was saying like perfect, but does your friend do that too? She said yeah, so I asked her dark skinned friend for a private dance. She fucked me. She pulled out a condom, we undressed, and she rode my dick! Whew! She sucked it too. And she jacked me off. She jacked me off a little too hard, so I asked her to "please be gentle." I couldn't finish because I last a long time, but I let her know she was beautiful and that I last a while. I tipped her 40 dollars (2 twenties), and went outside to throw some ones at a beautiful black girl named Rare. Whew. That's the third time I had sex. I had to bike home, and I felt like I was being watched after I fucked that beautiful latina girl. All good. I spent like $375 in that club, and it was 100% worth it. I just jacked off to complete the circle. Haha! Good times. I was on 3-MeO-PCP when I had sex with ESi, my favorite girl!
<Retrospective> 7/26/22: I never wrote this down originally since I never thought it important to document my whole life. Yet when I biked back home from that strip club, I jacked off and felt a burning sensation in my penis not long after. My penis ejected a spot of blood which I quickly washed down the sink. Given my awful mental situation considering the people around me, COVID-19, and that new STD(s), I disregarded it as a figment of my imaginative brain like the hallucinations I had back in 2017, 2018, and even when I was a kid. I think now that it was a spot of blood and not some random hallucination from my brain or 3-MeO-PCP. I disregarded it because I didn't want to believe it to be true; I was in denial.
July 16, 2020: I got my first ever 360 quickscope in Call of Duty with a mouse and keyboard just now. Final killcam on Shoothouse. Let's go! I'm becoming a mouse and keyboard pro! Rytec explosive rounds maxed ADS speed and movement speed. Speed. I also had a Galil AMAX with no stock and a variable zoom scope, no tricks; it's an SMG Sniper. SeÃ±orita! I also just got some peeps from a homie. I got a little bit of a high from it from getting in his truck. Put that in the truck - Ed Rummie, hehe. I took some PCP when I did this. I found real PCP now. I saw a rainbow pentagram in the ground. I also saw faces of girls and eyes like Pride from FMA looking at me. Wowzzzz. I got that 360 quickscope while I was high on PCP, 3-MeO-PCP, and weed. Wow. I also got super hungry, ate Wingstop, and had to take a PCP induced shit. Then I had to take a PCP induced sleep. I think it does have some other addictive quality than just dissociation. I also get this with 3-MeO-PCE, which was closest to my PCP experience.
July 18, 2020: Posted to Facebook for the homies haha: Where were you when the dopamine overflowed into the serotonin receptors and showed me the lovely wicked dark magician girl of my dreams? Where were you when the norepinephrine overflowed to the PCP and NMDA receptors and showed me the rainbow faces and white sillhouettes against the black hole backdrop? I WAS THERE THE HOLE TIME!!! I have the dissociative power of saying FUCK YOU whenever you decide to fuck with me. I'll laugh in my face through sadistic teeth of pure retaliation.
This band blessthefall isn't actually Christian. God Wears Gucci means humans wear the Gucci brand, meaning god lies within us all along. I'm god. You may worship me if you like. Witness the norepinephrine train, coming right 4 us. I'm not a wrapper, merely an Atheist on his way. ;)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLMGY_MdWpg
Goals:
1. Girlfriend
2. Better job
3. Entrepreneur my own video game company, "JC Enterprises Inkorportated"?
4. Rap career?
5. Presidency?
???
Prophet Launcher
It's the cycle of programming in my own ADHD whirled. ðŸ¤©
This is my Prophet Launcher ad in case it gets deleted. I just added the part about ADHD.
Aim to offend the pillars of humanity's most sacred in this speedy 2D platform shooter parody created in the open source Godot game engine. As the final prophet of this world, annex the souls of the old prophets and use them to enhance your own power. There are:
11 unique enemies including Jesus, Osama, Buddha, and Donald Trump
6 weapons including a railgun and a rocket launcher
4 special abilities including slow motion and a lightning strike
5 permanent customization upgrades including themeable maps and custom enemies (Uncle Rucku textures are not included)
Worldwide score leaderboards
Controller and keyboard support
All sales support an independent game developer. This game has been in development since April 2018 as a metaphor of my life with attention deficit hyperactive disorder. There is always room for improvement, and thus there is more content to come.
July 19, 2020: Okay, there is an S-isomer 3-MeO-PCP which is perfection. I've never tried PCP before, but it's not for me. Ouch. The DRI effects become apparent at some point. I don't like this. Damn. Oh well. I won't do it again. I took some 2C-C, 5 mg, and lots of 3-MeO-PCP throughout the day. I think I smoked about 10 mg total of PCP too. It didn't do as much to me as it should because I'm already high on 3-MeO-PCP. I laughed a ton and listened to the band Attack Attack! pretty clearly. I kissed a girl, and I liked AAA!
July 20, 2020: Fuck this coronavirus mask bs. I left Zaxbys to go to the Mcdonalds because they wanted me to wear a mask or pull my shirt over my face to make an order. I just ate 24 McNuggets with a plain double cheeseburger, a medium fries, and honey mustard and buffalo sauce with my own favorite 6 peppers added to the sauce mix (Carolina Reaper and Trinidad Moruga Scorpion included). 10/10 ace in the hole son. Do Has Bitch Me lol, NEIN; it's German 4 "You have me me ðŸ˜‚, no" ðŸ¤£ðŸ¤£
July 21, 2020: The original Saw movie is still my favorite, but Saw 2 and Saw V stick out to me. The last one before the recent reboot was okay as well. I haven't seen the reboot yet, but I have a scary movie in mind to watch with some girls now. Oh, and Halloween 4 is my favorite horror movie (or maybe it's Scream 3). John Carpenter actually wrote a lot of the music for Halloween. Rob Zombie did some great work too; he outdid the original 2 Halloween movies, but I'm not sure how he could top Halloween 4. I'm not sure if he's even going to try to top it. I think I'm technically a Scorpialibra. A book reading scorpion of women. Ahem, if you're sober, why would you care if I'm not? Your sobriety works, right...? I just came back from the strip club, and there's no other place I'd rather be right now. ðŸ¤£ Finally, the oligopoly can only keep out competition for so long before we take to the skies. There's fishy stuff happening all over the world about the coronavirus. I don't trust the word of the government, but peer reviewed research is peer reviewed and repeatable. Well, if you crush ice enough, it's merely water, and it's so wet it won't let anything DRI... ðŸ˜… I guess the chain in my pac it wasn't e nuff, I'm like... Amphetamine fuck.
I'm sorry... I can't afford an Electric Lamborghini... but I got some thing that Amphetamine get you there. Say she an X Box... An' A'm more Atarey... ðŸ¤£ðŸ¤£ I'm a gold digger! Adderall a motherfucking goldigger! ðŸ¤£ðŸ¤£
Skyrim
I modded it out
A while ago
I combined 25E-NBOH and 3-HO-PCE and played Skyrim
We waz kangz
This was right after I graduated from GT
December 2018
I had the greatest sit I've ever sat
With that combo
Like a king christening a throne
Slow motion
Blizzards
I leveled up my chair sitting skill to infinity
10/10 try it sometime mayne
All in an Amazon Basics Chair.
July 23, 2020: What are the long term consequences of the high norepinephrine action of MDA?
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11430927/
The results establish that MDA and MDMA produce structural damage to 5-HT axon terminals followed by lasting denervation of the forebrain. Both drugs have similar effects, but MDA produces a greater reduction of 5-HT axons than does MDMA at the same dosage.
It ain't much, but it's honest work.
The short term consequences of MDA overdose are a heart attack... The long term consequences are a slow decline of the serotonin receptor axons... Yet, this should be reversible? Yes, serotonergic damage is recoverable, but dopaminergic damage caused by the likes of methamphetamine are irreversible.
Okay, apparently I need to try LSD + ketamine.
That's a good question. Is MDA neurotoxic to dopamine neurons? I would like to think so, given I just found this paper:
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28597409/
MDA is certainly best used as a delicacy in its purest form! Yet, read this note in the abstract: "These mice also displayed increased NET-positive hippocampal fibers." I suspect this norepinephrine system transformation to be a direct effect of MDA (remember, MDMA metabolizes to MDA in humans).
July 24, 2020: I saw EC again today. I got a dance from her. EC, ella de mi mundo, es mi amor! I gotta brush up on my Spanish! I gave her 50 and 6 bucks as a tip. She grabbed my dick! That's a very good sign! I'ma go back!
July 25, 2020: I got super fucked up on 3-MeO-PCP. Prophet Launcher 3.77 notes:
Added Killing Spree sound effect a la Master Samus. I took a bunch of 3-MeO-PCP, and I see a huge melting rainbow laughing master dragon face with long sliver eyes trailing much of himself.
Prophet Launcher: Co-op multiplayer. Static typing. Big money snake with coin eyes - shoots streams of 1hp dollar bills tracked at player. Add lore section (collect lore by defeating an enemy) and diamond guns. Weapon camo - blue circuit board texture with flowing white light flowing through it. Improve lightning fps. Whip sound. Music. White flapping wings of fire for reaper. Shadow produces black mist on teleportation. Story mode: Double jump Ascent costs mana and casts a solid black hole underneath the player. Make platformer mode and a map builder mode called ___. Rearrange upgrades as pyramid with weapons passive active upgrades. Increase the visibility of the color picker. Realistic fire, lightning, and soul hit animations. Infrared costume: ____. Shining white fire cloak. Animate the player's torso. Animate crown into flames. Maps: Easter(rolling weed eggs and hopping bunnies), Halloween, Christmas. Naked shiny anime girls on the ground and titties as the background. Animate fields of burning upside down crosses, their flaming tendrils twirling into the shining sun, as the starting map. Custom backgrounds for Prophet Launcher. God mode: custom mobs of various sizes where user uploads file through the theme customization menu. Create a version of jesus with a long legged hunchback goblin and animate him - both jesus and the cross uniquely explode. Make launch button click sound something meaningful. Animate game over fading in and out. Change the shadow to take the player's current sprite and modulate it to black. Reaper explosion -> WhiteFireExplosion. Reanimate reaper with bone tool and make him raise his second arm in a palm to shoot out a white fireball. Kick the cross minigame like toss the turtle where you hit and spin jesus into the air? Put JoZeus in Prophet Launcher in the top left corner with a lightning bolt. Add arm collider to player. Largie Littles boss? Make a trailer of custom prophets being used. Add player hit animation. If my appeal fails, put it on itch.io as one large APK (no PCK since no Google Play). School map for Prophet Launcher. Twin towers map for Prophet Launcher.
Wishlist: Drop cash on a Tesla (with savings in bank leftover after), two-story house without an HOA and with floor to cieling windows, diamond chain with the s shaped like a snake with sapphire eyes (other gems 2) and a dark magician girl from Yu-Gi-Oh behind it. (artificial diamonds), diamond fidget spinner. My own strip club with video games, and hookers (like a Futurama strip club but cooler).
July 25, 2020: TIL about war pigs against the siege of Megara in 266BC. Pigs were set on fire with resin, and sent towards the army's war elephants. The squealing pigs terrorized the elephants, causing them panic and trample anyone closeb y, ending the siege due to the high number of elephant-caused casualties.
Some guy said "Modern problems require modern solutions" on Reddit, so I retorted:
[â€“]shadowsdietwice666 1 point 6 minutes ago*
Exactly, nobody tells me what to do. I have ADHD. I'ma start my own club with no elephants or pigs allowed. Okay, maybe elephants and pigs can be in the club, but it's gonna have blackjack, and hookers, and something else I'm not telling you; why do I reach these words?
Ya know what, screw the whole Megara.
Edit: And the club 2.
Edit 2: Ba wa wa kangzzz...
7709770144
4043277900
July 26, 2020: In response to some random anti-pedo shit on my Facebook feed:
Why is everyone so obsessed with exposing pedophiles? I get it, you like to protect the children and shit. Some people strike me as the type of people who should work for the FCC. I don't support pedophilia, but the truth is, most of these people are born with an attraction to children much like how most people are born with an attraction to the opposite sex. Also, about 10% of people are attracted to the opposite sex, and other animals are gay too. I'm straight and attracted to intelligent dark-skinned women (especially girls who speak foreign languages like Spanish), but I accept that there are people who are different than me and move on. I mean, you shouldn't let children be harmed, but what's the point in going out of your way just to ruin someone's day? Honestly, I'm sure there's some kind of genetic or drug therapy that could remediate pedophiles to be more in line with the values of general society in the future. Honestly, there are tons of natural remedies for ailments (like DMT for ADHD {don't tell anyone!}), so there may be some plant or fish already out there to fix pedophiles. Maybe a swordfish? Well shit, if there's some cure, then they'll start forcing the gays in China to convert too haha. Lol
July 28, 2020: I quit my job at Verizon. I don't like the people there, and I'd like to leave amicabaly. I shall exit as gracefully as I may.
I just had sex with this skinny latina girl named Taylor. She was sexy, and she introduced me to ESi. She rode me forwards and backwards, sucked me up, beat me off (a little hard), and she clapped her ass on me a bunch when she rode me cowgirl! I didn't come, but it's okay because she called me her amor! Taylor! I had sex with the sexy latina girl Taylor! I was on 3-MeO-PCP and a half tab of acid haha!
Whew. It took me a long time to come from jacking off, but I finally finished in like 45 minutes of intense work. The sweat dripped down to my shoulders, and I even ate some of my sweat and the girls' kisses on my cheek haha. I got a lap dance from a white Atlantian girl named Bree. I got a $30 dance from a Russian girl yesterday too. I got a private dance from a girl with parents from the Carribean part of Tobago! In response to a Facebook Astrology thingy: Idk which one to pick haha; they're all so great. AriTauruScorpioVirgarius!
July 29, 2020: I'm so sick of everyone acting like they're above me, as if they have something to teach; whatever shall I do with all this knowledge? Eat it? Actually, when I speed, you listen to me, The Hounds of Anubis by the word alive (it's one of my favorite songs). Me, me, me. 3 of them, sigma 1'd. Whatever, don't listen to me. I seek purity in the system, my system. Bear this: I took my medication today (amphetamine sulphate is found in Adderall), and I've sped up the process more than you can imagine. These are 4 words to choke upon! I DIDN'T KNOW THEY STACKED SHIT THIS HIGH! KEEP IT COMIN', ONE AT A TIME NOREPINEPHRINE. NO. Yes. Whatever. Fuck! Two at a time? Okay, at least one time I shall. YOU STILL DON'T KNOW WHO I AM. I'm not even a real drill sergeant because I hate spitting in your face, bitches. Go ahead and fuck my momma too, right in her ass, if that's what she's into (that cute latina girl I banged a couple weeks ago).
July 31, 2020: It's 3:32 AM and I posted this on r/drugs. Â¡BURN It DOWN! All of the marijuana must go now, and it must go fast. Godspeed as I inhale this bong rip midpost to flush out the demon sperm and jackhammer off tomorrow's motherfucking drugs.
August 1, 2020: I wanna do my Master's Degree at MIT with my girlfriend ESi, and then I wanna do my Ph.D. at Stanford with her too! And then, we'll take it from there! :) :) :) ;) :) :)
I'm an adult! Aya. Ground! And trees too at my wedding! Lit! Well, that makes 49988.2 words! And now, I've got 49998.6 words like 50 Sent! That makes 50004.4 words; that's a wrap 4 na!
5013.4
Hahaha!
I'm a genius!
I wrote this in reaction to me holding a delicate pose in this game Wolf's Bane 3 on Newgrounds and then doing snow angels in my bed and on the ground, back and forth (I'm high on 3-MeO-PCP). My back popped in the center.
Oh my goddess; you're amazing just the way you are!
My love is easy; you are an angel sent from the heavens betwixt.
You need to pop more backs!
Â¡Lay this to rest nevermore!
August 2, 2020: I accidentally tried 4-MeO-PCP again today. I jacked off for like 2 hours straight or something. I was really sweaty. I came after like an hour of super hard work on my pocket pussies, and then I was still hard, so I kept going for like 20 more minutes to come again, and then 30 more minutes, and then like 30 more minutes. I came 4 times yo. Wtf. This drug is a DRA, NRA, SRA, DRI, NRI, and SRI. It hits sigma 1 and sigma 2 receptors. This drug is something else. I don't think there's more to the drug than that. Huh. At first, I was laying in bed paranoid thinking I had been poisoned with meth! And then it hit me. I was like, no fucking way. It's 4-MeO-PCP, long time no see! I once jerked off for 12 hours straight to 4-MeO-PCP! I got it by accident back in March 2018 when I was ordering 3-MeO-PCP. I wasn't sure it was 4-MeO-PCP until just now when I took some that was in my bag of 3-MeO-PCP (the gods are generous lol!). It made me very talkative and creative. I was a sex machine. I jerked off two more times after that, but I didn't come multiple times during those hour long sessions. I came 6 times yo. Sombitch. That drug is otherwordly. I listened to Pride by Kendrick Lamar and Window of My Eyes by Boosie Badazz. I also listened to Like a Boss and Threw It On The Ground by The Lonely Island. I don't want to do 4-MeO-PCP again because it's too much for me. I don't like the meth-coke effects it has. 4-MeO-PCP is definitely a cell 4. Lol. I had the jaw clench and everything yo. That shit was real yo. That shit was harder than meth yo. I remember sitting in the corner of my bed curled up with my jaw clenching, my eyes rolling back into my head, thinking I had actually been poisoned with meth by my neighbors smoking it. While jerking off, I realized it wasn't meth; it was 4-MeO-PCP, a familiar friend. I banged the hell out of so many different girls on pornhub lol.
August 3, 2020: I finished Metro Exodus: The Two Colonels today on a bunch of 3-MeO-PCP and on the tail end of 4-MeO-PCP. Haha. It is a masterpiece! I can't wait to play the end. I wrote this on Facebook: Deep in the forgotten tomes of nowhere, I'ma write a book.
4 dots ping a ball down a hill.
August 4, 2020 6 AM : 4 dots ping a ball down a hill. I do believe 4-MeO-PCP hits the kappa and mu opoiiod recepcetetss too becaseuse I just felt it. 4-MeO-PCP fucks just about everything up! I can feel the 4-MeO-PCP still evolving. I don't really know what goes on with 4-MeO-PCP. No but yes. I'm the boss. I'm more boss than MDA. 4-MeO-PCP is more addictive than MDA! That's the real cell 4 dragonballzzz sombitch allverything. PlEaEaSEAAfAFAAFAFAfaafafafafaafafaaafaa. You can't buy me a hot dog mayne... Just... no... bury me in a nameless grave. COMA WITCH IS 4-MeO-PCP!.................TACTICAL NUKE!LSDKFSHDFLKSDFDSLGSOIGHROIGHriowhiuhgiudshfksjhfksjhfsjkfnksjefksdfbkjcbvkjcsbvksdgfuiwegfuisgfl. Shut the fuck up. Please.....No mas! I never wanna fucking go golfing ever.
The thing with 4-MeO-PCP is ALIENS. Plots. Devices. Wrapping up everything. Is there more than this? What stronger drugs are there than 4-MeO-PCP? To need I mean, had already I?
Which witch shall witch which? Coma Witch by The Acacia Strain.
4-MeO-PCP recepterome:
NMDA antagonist (lots of faces and shadows of me and you and everyone between us)
PCP receptor
Kappa opioid
Mu opioid
DOR opioid
serotonin releasing agent
NE releasing agent
DA releasing agent
DRI
NRI
SRI
both sigma1 and sigma2 (ring!)
Histamines (scratchy)
Adrenaline (slowmo soup)
I witnessed all of these things in 4-MeO-PCP...
Fuck me man. The opiate effects didn't come until some metabolite hit me 12 hours later. This is the devil's sponge. What's the shits mayne?
Bury me in a nameless gravy; 4 I shall come to thine mashed potato kingdom come hencevermore.
Never again shall I mix MDMA and 3-MeO-PCP, forevermore, because I could die from 4-MeO-PCP by accident! Mixing that MDA and 3-MeO-PCP and LSD was reckless... never again! My professor Bill Leahy is funny as hell. He does dissos! I knew it haha; he's funny, and he's fat. Du hast Das Heilige!? Mr. Leahy! Just go with it man; I'm straight up like Geng His Julius Caesar Khone of The Trailer Park Boys!
<Retrospective> 2/4/2022: I probably mixed up an adrenal response for some other induction of slow motion by faster moving brain connections generated by agonizing psychedelic connections and inhibiting slower connections. I was out of my mind here, and my hypothesis of 4-MeO-PCP is a very good one but not definitive.
August 5, 2020: I just plugged 15 mg of MDMA. I remember I took a shit while I was experiencing the effects of 4-MeO-PCP, and I felt a lot better. The 4-MeO-PCP lasted like 20 hours yo. I still had visuals of people made of rainbow strings as I was catatonic in my bed at like T+16:00. Like wtf. MY BUTTHOLE WAS ON FIRE!!! I also took 8 mg of 3-MeO-PCP and smoked some weed a few hours later. I remember doing a dress and dance to Beat It by Michael Jackson at Duke TIP when I was 12. I remember hanging out with all these sweet Asian girls at Duke TIP. I remember Michael Jackson dying 2 years later when I was coming back from Duke TIP and playing the newly released Epic War 3 with my cousin Linda and my momma up in North Carolina on a thunderstormy night. Then I watched Se7en and ate four extra salty scrambled eggs the next morning. Yeah, MDA really does promote norepinephrine transformations in the hippocampal (memorial) region. I am a liar. LYA LYA LIKE TRIBAL INK! I am no model figure; my name's what you prefer! I come off shameless... BUT A AM A SHAME D! JOSEPH RICHARD CANTRELL! Liars and Monsters by Escape the Fate is a good song haha. Should we abolish the electoral college right now? Well, I've surveyed the landscape, and the answer is... you guessed it! NO! Quantum of Solace for me? I think not, for I have found quanta of solace in my lifetime so far! Yo, they took down my post of Jackie Chan and Xi Jianping of China on r/JackieChannit as a joke, and they joked about it on Reddit. They did it after I cutely spammed the Channit discord server then left and deleted my Reddit account. So it looks like some hormone allows one to come multiple times. That's why meth and 4-MeO-PCP let you come multiple times. Lol! I think you vacate your bowels due to DOR agonism. And that's what I can learn by ingesting 4-MeO-PCP again! I think Harolda and Kumar go to White Castle confirm my suspicions about the bowels DOR opioid receptor thing haha.
August 6, 2020: I got so fed up with Facebook peeps, I deleted my account forever! Also, I'm pretty sure Som, Teja, and Atul Suri are three annoying agents. I'm listening to Blank Space by Taylor Swift, and she does 3-MeO-PCP 2 haha! So does Leonard Dicapitatrio! Lol lit! Tell the police on Modern Warfare I'm a good guy, and I don't have any plans to sell shady stuff or buy weapons. I love my family guys!
Lol, they posted on r/4chan about me after I told them I don't want problems and guns on Modern Warfare today. Here's the first 4 comments:
Anon is absolutely legendary, but shouldâ€™ve picked a more shitty song, perhaps spongebob?
permalinkembedsavereportreply
[â€“]ironkozak
[score hidden] 18 minutes ago
The point is that the song doesn't matter, even a great song like this
permalinkembedsaveparentreportreply
[â€“]TriangularFish0564
[score hidden] 15 minutes ago
What would annoy bargoers more, decent songs, or a â€œkiddy baby song with an annoying voiceâ€
permalinkembedsaveparentreportreply
[â€“]wetWaterespirtions
[score hidden] 43 minutes ago
ðŸ
Lol!
Okay, so here's my future plans with Esi and Aria (Taylor). I'ma fuck em both on Desoxyn from the pharmacy! And then, I'ma fuck Esi on Evekeo, by myself! And then, I wanna go back to college at Georgia Tech (I think) for my Masters Degree (with Esi and Taylor doing their bachelors?) {LIT!}.
I'ma blame it all on the coronavirus I had for 89 days with aftereffects! I spit those out too, and I shit em out too! Lol Reddit is super gay, and the Italians are dope. Whew. Stay chill Joseph Richard Cantrell. Take no walks, and make no funny business for a week or so. I truly believe humans are in the process of evolving wings! {edited haha for truly so}. Look at all the aviation! Just look at tits haha! Lol, I exposed Teja, Som, and possibly, Atul Suri. It is what it is. I probably shouldn't expose Daniel, but it is what it is. They're annoying. If I see him shadowing me, I'm exposing him too. Fuck that shit. I don't like annoying people! Naggers is what they're called. They deserve to be nagged back at a certain point. Condoms are 4 suckers unless you've got the paperwork 2 back it up! I'ma wear a condom until I get STD tests done with ESi and Taylor (Aria) {ls lol!}. I'ma ask ESi, Taylor, and Jonathon if we should get a taser. I mean, even Jordan has a taser! Patte means paw in French lol. I learned that on Reddit by refreshing r/4chan after viewing new comments lol. Lol my keyboard flashes at me. Microsoft is watching me yo. Aya. Trump signed 2 contradictory orders: one giving Tik Tok 45 days to transfer to an American company, and then another banning it; all in the same day Trump did this. Breezy's last name is now Pikachu! Lololols!
On the Origin of the Word "Love":
Comes from the Middle English word luf, derived from the Old English word "lufu." This is akin to Old High German, "luba," and another Old English word, lÄ“of, which means 'dear'.
Check 52:30 of Donald Trumps video on Twitter where he said "Thank you Jo" at the beginning, and he also thanked a ton of other people! Lit! I think Donald Trump and me have a lot in common! Lololol!
Drugs never to try:
O-PCE
DCK
2C-B-FLY
5-MAPB
3-MMC
I read that on Reddit! I already tried the first two, so I know not to try the rest! Maybe I'll try 2C-B-Fly after some reasearch. 2-FMA and 4-FA seem like good steps (according to Donald Trump I think lololol). Blame everything I did today on it being hot because I was baking a cake for my favorite girls! I googled how to bake a cake with whipped cream and lollipops. I might put palm trees on my girl's cake! I will definitely put an American flag on it! Candles? Sure! The amount of candles on our cake should be symbolic of our time spent together! Perhaps something to do with Artemis should also be on the cake, because candles are symbolic of this moon goddess! I want a waterfall, roses, and of course the finest custom dress for my wife! No guys named Barry at the wedding! I don't think I'll wear a suit lol. My wife can wear what she wants too! I want a money shower for us after we officiate it! I'ma order some DMT after I move; fuck corona! I always give credit where credit is due haha! If I had grown up in Somalia, I'd be dead before I was 6 lol, all because I don't believe in god! Donald Trump writes quickly. Got damn son! When I was just a kid, I was always like, "God damn son, you gotta stay straight and not be retarded." Ah shit. Yeah, Donald Trump is like god right now. Lololol! He likes Me 2! He golfs all the time lololol! Trump knows it's all easy haha! This guy is wild right now dude! Omg! I wanna visit Yellowstone National Park with ESi! I've always wanted to visit that place. Huh. "vamo hijueputa, perro hijueputa" means "Bastard bastard, bastard dog in Spanish"! "ya que estan de moda las madrinas a rateros aquÃ" is "since godmothers to thieves are in fashion here" in Spanish. Maybe ESi and I can go to the beach in Florida along the way, and maybe we can go to Texas too!
Tell me how you interpret this amendment.
In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
Now notice the I n the S. Lololol!
They let Jeffrey Epstein kill himself, and they want the best for Ms. Maxwell (widowed).
Perhaps Lisa is a cool name.
August 8, 2020: charmsthirdthetime@protonmail.com shall be my new Reddit username.
Michael Myers watched over me at night as I went to sleep as a child. Also, witches and cat eyes scurried along to me in the shadows. ADHD is a bitch. Dying can be good. Comedy can be bad.
I restarted my Facebook. Ay! I'm Joseph Cantrell, a computer scientist with a passion 4 lighting D torch F mutual prosperity.
Chinese Jesus is fake and gay. Sad News! Now everybody done kung fry fritting.
25I-NBOH was a strong NRA. I remember my dick being too big, long, and rainbow when I was on it. I always saw faces looking back at me on it too! It dissociated me as well! Lol. So did 25I-NBOMe. How? Perhaps it was the norepinephrine. Those blinding white rainbow petals and shards of the world I've seen on 25I-NBOMe and 2C-C? Got damn son! They were beautiful! Idk how I'm alive tbh! I'm a bossman!
From Reddit:
If you want a fast onset then your drug should be neither too lipophilic or too hydrophilic. A relatively hydrophilic substance will rapidly diffuse throughout the bloodstream to reach the brainâ€”this will contribute to faster onsetâ€”but it must still be lipophilic enough to cross the brain capillaries.
In contrast a drug which is too lipophilic will cluster in membranes at the local site of administration. Once it gets to the brain's capillary bed it will also tend to cluster in those membranes before diffusing down the concentration gradient into the parenchyma.
This is actually supported by phenomenological observations I've made with IR administration of ACH's (a good metric as this ROA delivers a significant portion of material directly to the bloodstream). In terms of onset rapidity with IR administration: MXiPr>Ketamine>MXE>DCK>3-MeO-PCE>3-HO-PCP>3-MeO-PCP.
On SwissAdme the consensus LogP of these compounds is as follows:
DCK: 2.16
MXE: 2.56
Ketamine: 2.68
MXiPr: 2.86
3-MeO-PCE: 3.28
3-MeO-PCP: 3.98
From this we can predict that futures ACH's with rapid IR onset will have a LogP in the range of 2.5-3.0. Anything much more lipophilic (3-MeO-PCE/PCP) will have a slower onset, as will anything much more hydrophilic (DCK). The onset times of other ROA's tend to follow this trend, but they're less direct and so the analysis is more complicated. There's other factors as well, such as pKa or P-gp substrate activity, but I think they're probably less relevant.
Also, why do you think it would have greater bioavailability? If the 3-AcO-PCP is pharmacologically active than it would be less active by weight relative to 3-HO-PCP. Otherwise, 3-HO-PCP is 3-HO-PCP is 3-HO-PCP.
My momma, Patricia Ann Cantrell told me I'm related to Napoleon Bonaparte. She told me that.
August 9, 2020: I'm high af on 3-MeO-PCP. Everyone hates me for some reason. Everything is another check.
Pizzabaggelelsfogels.
ESi!
Tay
Lo
RE
@!!$$$$$$$$
I had sex with mys efl on lsd . I had sex with myself on lsd. I din't finish, but I saved the spit and swallowed it! I took some acid watching Superbad bymyerlf. I asked myself if it was cool and I was like like you already no right motherfucker I saw myself swallowed in a rainbow maesltrom in my bed. It was the beauty of my mind! I love me! FOREVER! AND WALAYAS I'm alaasy wachting you Joseph Richard Cantrell! :)! Swordfish snowangels in my bed nigga! I LOVE ESI AND TAYLOR (ARIA) beautiful! Like I'm sombitch jokin' haha? Project X? I wrote the book bitch. I'm watching this movie right now, and it's thicc.
funny like a clown joseph richard cantrell 69 seconds how to tip bitch fake gay faget fuck you down system sydnrome motherfuckers.
JOSEPH BANKS is with PROJECT ZORGO? Searching for Abandoned Minerals & Crystal for Tesla
I read this shit on fucking youtube. I'm pissed off. I'm not funny like a clown motherfuckers...
On fucking Reddit, they're fucking with me (I never posted sun*): Man shoots and kills person who kidnapped and molested his som by NaeemLikeShady
in PublicFreakout
[â€“]charmsthirdthetime 1 point 11 hours ago
sun*
I just uploaded this to my website. I'll store it safe away forever! They beat on my door again. I called Sama and asked them to stop. Breezy is here with me now. Now I'm going to do more 3-MeO-PCP and smoke some more weed. Yep. I don't remember none of this shiit nyukka. I'll beat yo ass lil' nyukka. I put on my worst fuckin' Italian accent. I swear. They knocked at my fucking door again. No way punk. What makes you so fucking super special I can't live my life, ah? This is my worst fucking Italian acccent, I swear! 3 C's! I fuckin' swear!
I'll sew ya fucking balls together for talking about my mother like that.
The police just knocked on my door. I did nothing wrong. I didn't answer. They left. They're some punks.
They knocked at my door again. No way punk.
All I ask is peace and fuckin' quiet.
Said Donald Trump:
Donald J. Trump
@realDonaldTrump
Â·
11m
RINO Ben Sasse, who needed my support and endorsement in order to get the Republican nomination for Senate from the GREAT State of Nebraska, has, now that heâ€™s got it (Thank you President T), gone rogue, again. This foolishness plays right into the hands of the Radical Left Dems!
Donald J. Trump
@realDonaldTrump
Â·
1h
So now Schumer and Pelosi want to meet to make a deal. Amazing how it all works, isnâ€™t it. Where have they been for the last 4 weeks when they were â€œhardlinersâ€ and only wanted BAILOUT MONEY for Democrat run states and cities that are failing badly? They know my phone number!
Donald J. Trump
@realDonaldTrump
Â·
13h
.
@Scaramucci
, who just made a fool of himself as he got taken apart by
@SteveHiltonx
, only lasted 11 days in his favorite of all time Administration, before being fired for, again, making a fool of himself. Anthony is a loser who begged to come back. I said â€œNo Thanksâ€
Lol!
I'ma tell em I was tryna take a fuckin' shit. I was on the fuckin' toilet man. What? Wise Guys Ay? Fuck em. I got ESi and Taylor!
I got a dance from Taylor (Aria) for about 20 minutes, and that was the best way to spend part of my day.
I shouldn't keep taking dissociative drugs. I'm slowly poisoning myself, and I keep telling myself this, but I keep ignoring it because it's an easy escape from my pains of ADHD... Huh. What to do? I mean, 3-MeO-PCP is a pretty good drug. It's way better than any other dissociative, and it's a great tool to work. Idk.
If it came between choosing ESi and Taylor or dissociatives, I'd pick ESi and Taylor every time! Do I need to choose? Idk, as long as I can guarantee my safety, I'll be happy. I mean, those rappers and hollywood bigshot actors seem to do it too. All I know is I want the security of myself and my friends (if only ESi and Taylor could be my friends). I just wanna be happy, but I don't wanna drag my friends into my shit, ya know. I don't know. It seems like as long as I'm an upstanding guy, I can do what I want on the lowdown! I'm not afraid of jail, but what's the point of sitting in my cell until my cell is no more? I'ma do what I want and keep it lowkey. Eventually, I feel pressure in my forebrain, I cry, and my hallucinations look down on me. Do you remember your dark magician reaper girl Joseph? She stared you down in the face... FACE DOWN IN THE FUCKIN 3-MeO-PCP haha. Listening to Face Down by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. It's true; I'm slowly poisoning myself... 3-MeO-PCP may be the least dangerous disso, but it still does some harm in the end. It is rather surprising I am able to binge 3-MeO-PCP for months at a time with no consequences. The sigma 1 agonism mitigates the damage done by NMDA antagonism, but it is not enough in the end! 3-MeO-PCP is a good drug. It gave me lots of things. I built so much stuff with it. I forged so many desires with it. I can keep them with me. I don't know what to do with 3-MeO-PCP. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep a girlfriend secure in my bed! I'm going to take a 14 day break minimum from 3-MeO-PCP. I'll stick to psychedelics for now. I need to find a new apartment!
August 11, 2020: Okay, fuck that. I won't listen to anyone but me. I just slept like 14 hours yo. I really needed sleep. I'm feeling way better. I love my journal haha. The box has more than 2 sides. Talk to the lamp my son. It will guide you to Bugs Bunny.
His treasure is great. Bugs Bunny could be a dragon. Kowalski, like a Koalaski, means blacksmith in Polish. The Russians manufactured the virus. They already have the vaccine! The Russians really didn't like what the Chinese were doing.
Tennessee Valley Authoritah
Lol I watched too much TV when I was a kid. Not really. Watching TV is for children.
I feel like fucking Archduke Ferdinand right now. I got some new flip flops, and I got help trying them on from a lovely lady working in the store next to the Publix. They said maricon (faggot) in Publix when I was there. They played something like MIA too. WTF! Lit! Some lady asked if I was okay on the walk back to my house. Weird stuff lol. I know I'm being watched. Lol. This is what I've learned from Plastic Nee-san: I'm a green army tank castle swirling red and white with a side of two green dot stuff box.
I'm replaying Dark Souls 3.
I'm going to be runnin' the fuckin' Zweihander, 2 hander. I used the Uchigatana in the original Dark Souls. It was quick. Like Sasuke. Lol! I just uploaded my new rÃ©sumÃ© to Linkedin.
Steve Jabs, Time Apple.
I'm applying for jobs right now on Linkedin.
My phone number is 414-241-3152.
I browse Newgrounds a lot recently. I started browsing it when I was like 10 or something. It's lit. It inspired me to pirate Adobe Flash and make an Asteroids clone. It was a red asteroids clone. "What is diss?" quoth Josh Gonzales' dad. I wrote this on a Newgrounds movie: Shantaerial is beautiful just the way she dances! What is diss? It was about ESi and Aria (Taylor). OMG! I love this! Aya I got a boner yo.
My collection of research:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9408919
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6082376/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2814854/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5738444/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22288409
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/28990373
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3137201/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3816684/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3816696/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/27085203
https://www.nature.com/articles/1395600
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26272667
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4340074/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4425723/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4425723/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2626918/
https://www.nature.com/articles/tp201411
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28597409/
Ichigo is eye position go in Germanese.
I'm blackina jesus!
I'm pretty sure Lil Boosie saw my website from New Orleans. He said we gotta be careful! Lololol! I'm keepin' quiet. I just made my own cut of Quiet by Gucci Mane (mayne), and I downloaded POV Hot Girls Compilation from PornHub.
Depressions are always the best time to invest because the econony cyclically trends upward!
One day, I want to own a strip club with VR headsets in the private rooms. That would be interesting. You could get a lap dance with some flashy stuff too. Or maybe instead of VR, AR! You get lights and stuff painted on the girls and you, customized by AI. Maybe the girl has tattoos painted on her at one point. Neon and black lights?
I almost got run over as I was crossing the street. Again. AS A FUCKING JOKE. I HATE GOING OUTSIDE. This woman was looking right at me as she inched into me... wtf... not cool...
August 13, 2020: Welcome to the Jungle is about a meat packing plant. Fine, have it your way. Burger King. Chess me. I can checkmate a game of chess in 3 moves. I'm going to make a sexy red devil woman with her bra and panties traced in white and black, black tattoos of a silvery outline covering her body formed of black shadows.
Mary Joyce just harrassed me. I got the whole thing on camera. In Metro Exodus, I'm both colonels. I knew that once I saw it, but it's beautiful to write it down in addition. I remember the family of rainbow raccoons I saw in my TV when it was off on 25I-NBOH, LSD, and 3-MeO-PCP! It was beautiful. I also remember seeing a rainbow lion in my new apartment on 25I-NBOH and 3-MeO-PCP! I remember feeling a whirly feeling in my head when I was on 25I-NBOH, LSD, 5-MeO-MiPT, and 3-MeO-PCP! It was amazing, and outside my window I gazed into a upside down trifoce face looking at me in the yellow streetlight outside.
I do believe when you die, you create and release DMT.
https://pubs.acs.org/doi/pdf/10.1021/jo00338a001
A throwback to my post on bluelight about my trip on ~1mg LSD, 150 mg MDMA, and 3g shrooms extract.
I've tried these 2C's in this order: 2C-B, 2C-T-2, 2C-E, 2C-C. My favorite so far is 2C-E. I've had about 700 mg of it in total. I once took 42 mg of 2C-E and experienced an adrenaline rush as my world exploded into black and white shards! It was beautiful! Then I played pool in a basement, but as I hit the cue ball I leaned back a bit because it was like I was at the beach playing volleyball with girls around me! I once took 42 mg of 2C-T-2 and I saw a massive swirling spire of fire form with my eyes closed beholding the sun as I was being buried in the sand by my friends on the beach. I saw a small black and white dog lying down looking at me from a TV screen, and it melted to the left as if were made of waves in the ocean! I'm currently experimenting with 2C-C, and I love it!
I'm also in the process of creating a 3D game called Infernight; this story like Dark Souls entails a wolf climbing a shadowy mountain to regain the light and tread down into the black abyss.
I saw a big blimp like the Hindenburg when I was on an epic amount of 3-HO-PCP and hearing myself as a god. I presented myself as a solar eclipse blimp in my bed.
You can have whateva ya won't, but ya betta not take it from me; I'm a bossman, Joseph Richard Cantrell!
Â¡ ESi!
Meditate through 666 chilly makers. Heeyah~! Â¡Easy!
There's something special in my future on October 25, 2020. Its national girlfriend appreciation day, so I assume that's when I might get a girlfriend or something. Perhaps sooner! I have 50k toward my Tesla!
Bunny Souls! In Infernight, you can play the game again as a bunny the second time around. The third time, you can play as a dragon. Next, you can draw your own character to play as. You do this in VR by drawing your character. You can draw whatever you want in white on a black piece of paper surrounded by white fire! It's a book! A flaming book! Gotta phuck em all! Gotta Spyroball! Who all C da leprechaun say AAA! I remember Ms. Saunders taught me about Dracula. She taught me how to analyze literature! I know how to win a game of chess in 3 moves. I learned that in 7th grade! A say, in ma Irish accent, this is how ya baptize kids name Koil {Kyle}.
Real to there is no Real left.
I just played Dark Souls 3. There's redneck shit in there. We gon' get a backhoe, an' we gon' uproot dat tree right dare. Dark Souls 3! I took a screenshot. Lol! Damned if ya do, and damned if ya don't - Patricia Ann Cantrell!
Well Verizon sent me ~$2350. So. Now I have 52k! I see ra aina reardrlk s teardrops gone noting wil lshe se haps esher shape of all jewels. Nothing is Sacred when no when saved. No i s real still! My dick is huge haha! I got another dance from Aria (Taylor) at the club. It was awesome! I have 25 days to get the hell out of here. Aiight. No problem.
XFINITY SHIT: jcantrell32 ; woodyfence69
I just saw a dissociative reference in Case Closed (Detetive Conan) in the Moonlight Sonata episode! Of course, Richard Moore is tranquilized every episode. I caught an MDA reference in the Rich Lady House on fire two parter episode! I just snorted some 3-MeO-PCP. But! I feel norepinephrine someway. I think I just took 2-MeO-PCP. I'm sure of it. I took a little bit of it. I feel it. I'm hungry as hell. I just released norepinephrine. Sombitch. a la vie Ã la mort. I got that from Borderlands 3. It means til death do us apart! Whew. I enjoyed Borderlands 3 and quit at the windmill. I'm patiently waiting for DLC 4! I remember playing Civ V, starting Berlin in fuckin' Singapore. I was attacked by the USA back to my capital of Berlin. They took 3 cities of mine. I churned out troops and fought them back. After annexing the USA (China), I worried about my neighbors to the west. I forged cities west into Turkey. I forged north and south and built railroads and such to move speedily. Then, the Ottomans attacked from the north (Russia). I fight them back, but as I'm fighting them, India (Africa) invades me at the Sinai Peninsula, the Gulf of Suez. I absorb several city states around me and discovery nuclear weapons. I launch nuclear war against the Ottomans and decimate them. I annex their territory (Russia), and now I am essentially the Mongolian Empire of old. I descend into India's Africa nuking places as I go. This is where I lost the save file! I was out to conquer the planet haha! Aria said tengo to me. What does she have?
I should tell Aria the number 31 according to Dying Light.
I just made an awesome sandwich with French onion dip, turkey breast, pepperjack cheese, lettuce, cheddar and sour cream ruffles, and queso blanco dip. I call it the Noir sandwich.
August 16, 2020: Meh, I've always been a fan of a rehabilitation first policy for things beyond people's control. Most pedophiles have a disorder in their brain, much like gay folk. Some are merely wicked folk and deserve to be punished with prison. Regardless, nobody should suffer vigilante justice. The shit street shoots both ways! So long as you retain faith in yourself, nothing can stop you! C'est la vie, or such is life in French. Positivity is a virtue! You can be born a willow and grow into an oak, or vice versa! Red robins love sweets!
Those who call me avatar know not what they're lookin' 4! Illusionist in everyone! IN EVERYONE!
discord.gg/AWs9kgu
I just made the best sandwich of my life. The true Noir Sandwich. A plain double cheeseburger from mcdonalds with cheddar n sour cream ruffles and queso blanco dip & french onion dip! It gets better! I can add bacon and peppers! I've been playing lots of Dark Souls 3 on 3-MeO-PCP. It's lovely!
I finally found that Detective Conan episode concering rigor mortis:
rigÂ·or morÂ·tis ; /ËŒriÉ¡É™r ËˆmÃ´rdÉ™s/ ; nounMEDICINE
stiffening of the joints and muscles of a body a few hours after death, usually lasting from one to four days.
The first time I beat Vordt of the Boreal Valley, it took me like 25 tries when I was playing in 2016 at ZBT. This time in 2020, after I've had sex with ESi and Aria, I masterfully defeated the vagina monster Vordt of the Boreal Valley on my first try! Whereas I beat the first boss expertfully on my first try at ZBT, it took me about 10 tries to beat the first boss of Dark Souls 3 in 2020!
Nigger Mortis!
Be careful! Nigger Smalls is watching you in the mirror!
August 17, 2020: I remember listening to Breathless waiting at my bus stop when I was in 9th grade. I remember I was thinking of my amphetamine and how it left me breathless... haha! I was standing at the corner just down the street across from the shady boarded up house at the bottom of the steep hill I crashed my bike and flew up about 5 feet in the air on. It was cold. I remember listening to Digital Renegade a lot on the bus, and showing it to Kim Dortch and Ashley Dortch. I remember listening to #FUCK and King for a Day a lot. I remember listening to Asking Alexandria a ton. I remember Chris Cincaid introducing me to Bullet For My Valentine. Josh G showed me Attack Attack! and Asking Alexandria. Lit. I showed Josh Rosa Hollywood Undead and Borderlands lol. Lit. I showed Farita Tasnim Space Enough to Grow, Insatiable, and A Toast to the Future Kids! I remember showing my mom the song The Fight Inside and telling her I loved the play on words of "coursing" and "cussing" through my veins. Haha. I remember she found all my comics and read my 90,000 words thing Krelzor's Quest. That publisher never got her hands on it! She read all my good short stories and humor haha. It was great! I do love my momma Patricia Ann Cantrell! I remember playing Epic War 3 to that song while on the way back from Duke TIP and Michael Jackson had died at Linda Fisher's house! Damn son! She had a sunroof window that was super cool and I watched some of Se7en but got bored. I remember playing the drums when I was a kid and showing my mom Echoes by Lovehatehero and saying I wanted to learn to play guitar like that (she said it sounded more like drums {it's a combo!}). I remember showing Taylor the kid across the street Too Little, Too Late (also Crystal) and jamming it to San Andreas a ton.
<Retrospective> 2/4/2022: I think I listened to that Breathless song in 10th grade during my house's three month blackout. Of course, a lot of this journal is stream of consciousness, and when memories were rapidly coming to me I would try to enumerate them as quickly as possible.
Ha, I am merely an Atheist of Merlin's dreams.
AKA AlerionM21
101010
is 42 in my momma's language
101010
101010
101010
You can't unsee such beauty
What do the numbers mean Mason?
Ah, see they mean what you want
Quoth the negren, "Nevermore..."
'Tis the exorcism of Joseph Cantrell
Such powers of god compel Him
'Sup?
What's good ya'll?
I have now slain Irina to claim the tower key and ascend atop the world of the Firelink Shrine! A cold wind whistles in my ears as I attain a Firekeeper Soul. After giving Irina's Ashes to the seller lady, she tells me she is being rather prate; she was being overly verbose by being prate. Ah, to be prate is to be overly verbose; so I am told by relinquishing Irina's Ashes to the seller at Firelink Shrine. Haha, I'm a Black Mamba, but crossbreeded with spitting cobra of the Nile!
Â¡Untrumpable Is a Free Windows and Android Game for You! ; woodyfencerAreborn is my new Reddit name.
I'm the last god, and my goddess shines me! Dude! I saw Bill Cosby stoned with Matt Torrance and Jason, and I passed out laughing during the performance! Lit af! I laughed so hard I took a nap in the theatre! Punk Goes Pop
I went to the Platinum Club. I saw Lees and got a private dance from her. We were going to have sex (she speaks Spanish), but I didn't have enough money (it's $200). So I paid my $50 for the dance and then I see ESi, so I get a 20 minute dance from her and giver her $40 plus a $2 tip. It was lit. I went to Smoothie King where I got The Hulk protein chotolate strawberry blend smoothie. I ate some cheddar protein chips with 16 grams of protein. I stopped to dunk them in my smoothie on my walk back from the club. It's lit. I love it, and I love ESi! I got home and ate a Krispy Kreme donut dunked in the smoothie! All ESi!
Susan B. Anthony is to be pardoned by Donald Trump! "It was we the people, not we the white, male citizens, nor yet we male citizens, but we the whole people, who formed this Union," she said in her speech. She was arrested for voting as a woman.
August 19, 2020: I took 42 mg 3-MeO-PCP up my nose when I woke up 3 hours ago. Diss Oaken Nigga in Dark Souls 3 has a trick hole down below haha! I must claim his souls! I have now enhanced my power level with 15 mg of 3-MeO-PCP, and I am confident I shall rain hell upon my foe! I've made some progress in Dying Light, but I'm still clubbing zombies instead of cleaving them! Lol! I want a girlfriend! Haha! I'm Dracula or something like him. Women love me! I hope I meet Ms. Saunders from CHS one day. She got me to read so many cool books like Frankenstein and Dracula! I'm making more stuff. I just jammed out to My Apocalypse by Escape the Fate. I was improvising on my guitar and singing. Then I played the A 4 Andrew riff I know to make sure I keep my skills!
I'm rewatching Naruta, and real ninjas say Jakra! (Jyakyra!). I just ate some wingnuts garlic parmesan ranch and chipotle ranch dipped chicken with my all my spicy peppers (that includes Carolina Reaper and Trinidad Moruga Scorpion) in the sauce! 10/10! That's some good food! Naturo*. I'm thinking hey isn't this easy? I'm a lotta folk, I like some things, and most things I don't like. Naruto came out when I was 10. I remember watching it when I was 12. I remember watching Bleach as well. Case Closed was first made on January 8, 1996. I saw it in like June 2004, so I was like 8!
I'm watching Bleach now. I only wanted the first few episodes of Naruto. Ichigo is eye position go in Germanese.
It is all coming clear now. DMT is a simulation of norepinephrine release. 5-MeO-DMT actually releases norepinepherine! Haha! I saw the rainbow owl eyes unfurl into me when I was also on 3-MeO-PCP. Hahaha! And Rukia is the Cuchi, the pussycat girl! Pants on the ground! What ya me ta do wi diss, eat it? Phonies! GROUND! Nobody wants your autobiography, phonies
I'll never forget Paca41! That's what my mama told me! It also goes Paca14! She told me that too! I'll never forget my Miss Momma Patricia Ann Cantrell Paca Trisha Momma!
The greatest path isn't always easy, but it's always easy in the end. I feel zenful.
Here are some apartments in midtown:
(404) 383-5488
The Pointe at Lindbergh
I combined the wingnuts sauce with all my peppers (cayenne plus 5 of the hottest peppers around, Carolina Reaper, Ghost Pepper, Trinidad Moruga Scorpion, Volcano Dust, and 7 Pot Primo), Quesco Blanco Dip, and French Onion Dip. I'm unstoppable in the kitchen yo!
I had garlic parmesan ranch and chipotle ranch wingnuts with fries. I just ordered the Fatalii pepper, Chocolate Habanero pepper, and 7 Pot Jonah pepper.
Well I posted this in reponse to a Newgrounds thingy. Give me the gold! We gone get a backhoe, and uproot diss tree! For sure the dying of the light will not go gently into that night. I shall rage against the dying of the light, for I am a master of my own will; in eternity I shall create my own world of peace and solace within evermore. So fuck a book and look at my dance! Lolololx3; cast away the demon sperm! 1010101x3! You can't kill the beast for it lies within the fuck her right in the pussy! Wow. Well this was quite inspiring, ya filthy animatrals! Â¡I got more peppers; we goin' Trinidad Moruga Scorpioniareaper!
<amp day> August 20, 2020: I'ma make Prophet Launcher free for a day on Sep. 11. Any publicity is good publicity at this stage; I've sold about 12 copies. I just snorted some MDMA. I jacked off in only 3.5 minutes! It usuaully takes me about 30 minutes right now. I felt lightning on my forehead like Harry Potter yo. Damn son. It felt good. It feels like my forebrain is developing in someway. I feel so much. I feel so powerful listening to Welcome Home by Coheed and Cambria.
Here laid to rest is our love evermore; you seem to take presence to all that we love as we're fabricating of our whole world subsumed 'neath our foreshade nevermore! I'll breathe me in! Rage against that dying of your light Joseph Cantrell, my Alerion! I vaped three times easy peasy, four lights I'm at my computer, five lights I'm moving the mouse to do stuff, and six lights I'm smoking by myself making stuff. Never forget Brian, Raechel's dad. I remember staying with him when my momma was somewhere like North Carolina or something. I remember watching Johnny Bravo and Freddy vs. Jason with him. Lit af. That guy was cool as hell. Brian always tried really hard, but it didn't work out sometimes. I remember him making me bacon, eggs, SOS, grits, all that stuff haha. He showed me computer games and stuff too. Math games, cycling games. There was an apple tree Raechel and I broke. There were the dogs Ally and Raven. They were awesome. There was another dog, but I've forgotten his name. I remember Keri showed me all these different religions and stuff, but I was already an atheist. She had Bear, and then Lestat. Keri was a metalhead haha! She was getting into Black Veil Brides. She liked the Atreyu, Asking Alexandria, and Attack Attack! I showed her.
August 21, 2020: Â¡4 MÃ¡s Yeas; R You Ready?! Are You Ready? We Are Going to Build a Wall Along Our Southern Border. The hand of god strikes victory again. I've made a new book collectable pic for Untrumpable. I've posted it all over the internet haha!
As President Number 45, President Donald J. Trump, tap to dodge fake news and collect the truth of the world above to score evermore. Untrumpable is a game parodying Donald Trump. This is my first game created with the Godot game engine and is a 2D tapping game.
Don't be sad fake news; there's always more to come!
The dove peaces hands for the win of the world! Still serving eggs whole for the girls' grill! Â¡Water Trumpers Unite! Â¡Woah, take it ESÃ yo! Reddit is fake and gay. Good news everyone! It's just like Maximum Overdrive! Predata is in the trees arching his redneck!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egJyocw2hrw
Haha, I knew it all along; quercetin can't be for queers 'cause we zinc'd em. All snowflakes touch alike unlike any others! Orange energy is not creative energy, except the sun is orange potatoes! Because idiots don't know what's acceptable and what isn't, we can't have nice things all the time.
Untrumpable notes:
Â¡4 MÃ¡s Yeas; R You Ready?! Are You Ready? We Are Going to Build a Wall Along Our Southern Border. The hand of god strikes victory again. I've made a new book collectable pic for Untrumpable.
Updated fonts
I kissed a girl, and I liked it; the taste of her cherry chapstick don't mind it! It doesn't matter; you're my experimental game, just human nature! My momma always wanted Jeff Gordon to win the Nascar! He's makin' a right turn! Let the cheezits fall! Down with the tyrants, for we are money! Always eat the orange pill in the matrix! Andrew Jackson said the mail must go through! I'm married; 2 myself! Two hearts rosed 100 wizard rolly laughs! I enjoy the company of myself more than any other. Yep, it's https; hit pussy.
I am merely an extraordinary man and nothing more.
Â¡Free butterfree la squirreliÃ©ma!
I'm going to make a harpy girl enemy as the final boss of Prophet Launcher in the name of ESi!
Hmmm. So they deleted https://www.newgrounds.com/art/view/alerionm21/4-mas-yeas-r-you-ready-are-you-ready. I snuck a reference to my game Untrumpable in there. Some people saw it. And it's gone now. Huh. I suppose I shouldn't give away my real identity on Newgrounds. There's a far cry to shovel off demon seeds in this squirrel. mmm, ai d'dragon! And He Said, "The Mail Must Go Through."
I remember in my 5-MeO-DMT experience, it was as if I as being pulled from my bed by some gentle force of euphoric beauty that was within me the whole time.
August 22, 2020: Rage against the burning of the street's machinelight! Shafts of white mystical leaflets peer through the arced city street lines. I won't forget all the time I spent farming for souls as the Oakwood monster pelted me after raising the banner, having defeated Vordt of the Boreal Valley.
I found the state of the darkweb:
The State of the Darkweb
by /u/Se7en Head Moderator â€¢ 1 week ago* in /d/EmpireMarket
As many of you already know. Empire Market left Dread about a month ago due to disagreements of how they were handing situations here, i didn't feel it was necessary to go into anymore detail and focused only on creating a forum for Empire Market instead. Which i'm proud to state is getting about 1000 registrations a day.
However, recently much more information has come to light and i feel the community deserves to know about a group of markets and individuals that are putting the community at risk. In their short-term thinking they might think these actions benefit themselves, but the real beneficiaries are law enforcement and agency investigations, who love what they do. Read this post to the end because it all links together.
BIG BLUE MARKET (godman666)
This market is co-adminstrated by BigBlueOdeon and godman666. godman666 is someone that has been phishing users for a long time, he was a forum moderator on the old Empire Forum, and was kicked off the forum only a week later after we realized how scummy he was. He extorts and black mails vendors for fun. He runs multiple fake darkfail clones. Most of this is already public knowledge. It's why Big Blue Market was ignored by dark.fail and darknetlive.com. It's why Dread removed their ad. Big Blue Market is entirely funded through funds obtained through phishing and extorting vendors. godman666 has also bragged to me about sending information to law enforcement, he does then whenever he thinks it will benefit him in anyway. Another one of godman666's achievements is spreading disgusting FUD, one example is spreading pedo FUD against me and HugBunter. Over the last year he has had upwards of 100 accounts banned on Dread for phishing spam and FUD. I don't know much about BigBlueOdeon, but i do know that he knows the truth about godman666 and is supportive of his actions. For a lot more information on this. /u/MonopolyOfficial has done an excellent job on bringing awareness to how Big Blue Market is rotten to it's core. Shame on any site still supporting Big Blue Market, most noticeably, their biggest supporter: OnionDotLive.
/post/bd222d1be78a6adc9f3a
/post/6b94435ca0be6aff3c71
ENIGMA MARKET (Stackz420)
This market is administrated by Stackz420. A long time ago there was somewhat of a friendship between Stackz420 and some Empire Staff members. There was no major beef and he even had FE privileges on the market. He had found minor bugs much earlier before his ban and he was paid generously for those bug reports. However, it turned out through that entire duration of months he was collecting info in an attempt to dox Empire Staff. This all came to light when he tried demanding ridiculous sums of money for a new minor bug and threatened us claiming he knew our identities. He was banned, obviously. For the following months he went on back-to-back FUD campaigns, DDoS attempts, and of course, further dox attempts. When he tells people what happened, he says he was simply banned for trying to report a bug and that we stole his "30k" in escrow, he never had anything close to that in escrow on Empire. If not called out for that he sticks with the 30k escrow story, if he is called out he pivots and claims his listings were worth 30k, which is pretty funny.
/post/a6a4cf176c3467d7568f
He made several more posts just like that.
VERSUS MARKET (Witchman05 & SamCulper)
This market is ran by WilliamGibson with help from Witchman05/BadMedicine and SamCulper/TimothyLeary. Both Witchman05 and TimothyLeary were Dread staff members and they both left in disgrace. It was recently revealed that before Witchman05 was removed he was saving and archiving Dread mod logs as well as other data available through Dread moderator tools. He has been actively using that data in an attempt to connect identities, twist facts and spread FUD, but most importantly, he is actively using that data to assist in dox attempts against his competitors. All of that data was also given to Stackz420 to assist in his dox attempts against Empire Staff.
Witchman05's posts were removed, however Paris' replies still confirms this happened:
I'm removing this because it's private information which nobody can verify which will create a lot of FUD. Witchman you know the reason why we have that and it's not to be used in that way.
Before I remove this FUD ridden reply I'll answer your questions. At the start I don't know what the fuck you are talking about, maybe something you said with hug but never to me. The whole system is's designed to prevent spam and manipulation. I didn't know you tracked down the guys house, if that is in fact true. Never screened your PMs. I do talk shit but I also back up my shit.
/post/15a8dc27916a29a413a4/#c-61bfbf814c984d0545
/post/15a8dc27916a29a413a4/#c-26d240a876c6905092
Witchman05 used to be a respectable figure on Dread. He actively banned dozens of godman's alts spamming phishing messages, he was against phishing and doxing. He has since done a complete 360, he is now friends with godman and actively tries to dox his competitors.
MODERATOR WITH LE CONTACTS WORKING ON MULTIPLE MARKETS (Syndicate/VII/Linda/Lynda/Layla)
This individual is a close friend to ALL of the people mentioned above. Before he was a moderator on Big Blue Market, most likely Versus Market, former subdread moderator for DeepSea Market and a former moderator on Envoy(He tried to get a job on every market he can using several alias'). He was obsessed on trying to destroy Torum through any means necessary. As some of you already know, the Torum administrator was a friend of mine and i even helped him with hosting advice. He ran Torum for many years and kept it non-profit, which i think is pretty respectable. Throughout a long period of time this individual tried extorting Torum Staff, Torum sent me most of the messages sent to him from Layla and we laughed at them; this is a short snippet of a larger message logs, sent from Layla to Torum, this message in particular was Layla trying to get the Torum Administrator into helping Layla cover all of Layla's tracks on Torum:
Are you Muslim? Why the fuck my accounts aren't deleted form your shitty
forum? Why are you keeping my accounts and posts, when I'm no longer
associated with you, are you that obsessed that you can't forget or
forgive me ever? If you want me not to disrupt you, you need to delete my
accounts or unban me, this ends here, i've nothing to lose, i got
everything what i wanted, you've everything to lose, i'll steal all your
users one by one, all senior members, with their alts, not only i'll harm
Torum, i'll harm Empire, steal all good vendors one by one, i'll start a
"phish empire, get reward" campaign, I'll pay to all good writers,
bloggers(who covered story about Wozniak trolls, FUD makers, to write
pretty nice reviews about Empire. You under-estimate me, i was left with
no support and i've support of all the powerful people on Tor. Now, i've
best DDoS group, i've best hacking group(Stackz is my partner we are
starting a hacking forum name will be TATA- The Anti Torum Alliance) and
kings of phishing, also have contact with those bloggers and few actual
LE's, you're fucked from every-side. If you delete all my accounts with
posts, i'll leave you and won't disturb you, even i'll leave Tor
completely or I'll leave Tor when either of you or fire2 or Se7en will be
in jail. You've still chance to make the right choice.
That above message only represents about 1% of the total messages sent from Layla to Torum. When i sent the full logs to f0rtuna, he corroborated the messages and verified they were real. He removed Layla as a moderator on Envoy and banned him. This didn't go down well with Witchman05, who started threatening to kick f0rtuna off Envoy, which is pretty ironic as f0rtuna actually created Envoy and does all the heavy lifting. Witchman05 claimed he would launch a new Envoy to overshadow the original Envoy. After this f0rtuna removed Witchman05 as co-admin on Envoy completely. However after a few days passed and Witchman05 cooled down, he was re-instated as co-admin, but with limited privileges. More recently i briefly called Witchman05 out for that, and he had the nerve to say f0rtuna has done nothing for Envoy and called him a back-stabbing bastard for going against his wishes.
CONCLUSION
The only thing Witchman05, Stackz420, godman666 and Layla have in common is that they all lie through their teeth about anything and will do whatever it takes to attempt to hurt anyone if it benefits them in anyway, even if that means, in some cases, co-operating with law enforcement investigations.
As far as i'm aware /u/HugBunter and /u/Paris are NOT involved with any of the above. I disagree a lot about how they are handing the situations here. But i do believe HugBunter and Paris both have good intentions.
It's not all doom and gloom. There is still good. White House Market and Monopoly Market are two examples of markets that have grown fairly, without spreading FUD or spam advertising themselves. For those reasons i have nothing but respect for /u/mr_white and /u/MonopolyOfficial. dark.fail and darknetlive.com are another two examples of superb websites providing selfless services to the community.
Throughout 2018 and early 2019, when literally every other market was exiting one after the other, we were the only market that stayed loyal to the community. I think at this point, after all the community has endured, we can all agree with the message: Fuck phishers. Fuck doxers. Fuck LE co-operators. Long Live the Empire.
To overcome is to give in, so I wrote to my Ece Onay in the darkness! I feel the MDMA again at 11:38*MDA.... #FUCK. I'm playing the song right now haha. Nova Prospekt? YEA WHAT YA FAIL!
My eye is opening again! The MDA. I feel it too much. I have a slight headache. I blew my nose and spit some stuff out, and I feel better! Lit! I cleaned my nose out with water. I ate a cosmic choclate brownie of the gods and now here I sit on my fancy ass!
I miss my Ece Onay (Anna) so much right now. I've been a sharkwhale for a while now. Yalp, it was finished well from the start.
Why waste the clocks blues away when you have the colors of the white light to blossom afray? Lol, what do two squirrels know about the lord and savior Jesuphus?
I'm having a blast on newgrounds. 66 percent of the sound volumes in this audio need to live it through. Kucky fried boondocks have nothing on brown Jesuphus of late. He is the newest prophet to save this world and nourish souls to heaven and away from the fake hell. Wait, we're done because we're here in heaven already. There is at least one participation trophy in this shit pipe; I'ma be in this swamp like a shrieking call of the fuckers. This is my swamp now. Lol. Ya fuckers! Gotta fuck em all gotta fuck em all; ya fuckers! Dude, why do peeps always assume you got what ya ain't got? Well, you gotta assume that you're not assuming anymore! Da da da da! Da Da... Da!
I'm higher than I could ever be (metaphorically speaking). I am also hungry; I have quenched my thirst quite well, and I shall quench it well evermore! My milkshakes bring all the girls to the yard, and they're like, "Damn son, it's betta than yours; we're gonna have to teach you, but we won't charge!"
Perhaps my age is eternity; I come from a place so dark they don't shine light there anymore. I can kick eternity, and it might well kick back. I have a certain fondness for the Boreal Valley, and it lies within my very soul, which I forged of cells long forgotten. It's all been done with my middle finger, but there is no hope for those which seek to revel in getting up my tree. There is a similarity in how my face crowns, for eternity forever stupifies the weak. My inevitable death is not for sale, and though the Earth may keep turning round two lanes turned sharp, my keen determination of detail thinks the stars shine an asterisk back unto thee; young speed readers like to spread peace in their mind. A simple toy is evolution, and like a legion these ants spring forth to ignore middle fingers like ash to the phoenix eye. To point the finger at me is to open one's mind to what they seek within from me, and to point my finger unto you is heresy; a trader must trade only what he is willing to trade. Sad virtues are for the simple minded, and weak wills must find stronger souls to quench their thirst for nothing at all. The pink light divides us all, yet it need not defy death to live that spark of life granted in its rest. You need not search for happiness in your youth, for eternity shall give happiness unto those who seek it rightfully so. Anger is but a figment of the mind to be relinquished into what you make of it. Laughter may be an ancient trick, but it is a simple smile that may brighten anyone's day; the butterflies flicker in the night, and truly they shine fluttering through my right. Are you ready? Are you really read there sun? Â¡Pues, aquÃ vengo a tango!
For a brief instant, I saw myself in a rainbow silhoutte; I float on down my river lol'ing to myself in such eloquent adoration for my shadow's light! Do I really know you Joseph? Does my chain hit my chest when I'm banging on your temple? I see so much yet so little escapes my grasp... I see a blue spark when I opened my eyes to the world again; so let's make a toast here to Joseph cause karma's some bitch, right? And though I ate a cheeseburger and cosmic brownie to Send Help and Observer by The Acacia Strain, as I write this, I wonder if I shall ever grow to love soon enough. Surrender your life to the witch, Joseph Richard Cantrell. She is all you have in this abyss; the abyss may seem to reach evermore, but nevermore shall the abyss shine like it does today in the night of 4:39:49. I see myself looking up and crowned in the mist with white eyes shining like the wolf in my Infernight and a witchful smile befitting merely a god. My silent scream shall never die!
I have written quite a lot
Haha
Stuck an observer I suppose
Aren't we all?
Haha
Haha, bury me in an aimless gravy with mashed potatoes! Uncle twiggletoes, ya fuckin' mashed potatoes are fuckin' overdo! Cheerio old mate; you'll find love one of these days shortly! 'Tis the truth within! Â¿Por que la oscura? I thank it's time I open up the window of my eyes! I've seen my own eye in rainbow beauty. Haha.
And yet, where do I find the time?
Send Halp
I am the hunger of the void
Haha, swallow my sweet nihilistic nothingnesses of all infinitesimal dissipation of everything's nothing.
Frozen breath, biding to death, covering my blue shaken white eye stricken blood red down to it's black core of blue cynicism at the world's last sight.
For there is no right to call wrong my aimful atrocity attracting mere mist-treaden footsteps shading deadpan stoicism bequeathing only what fits my godless god 'neath a river fading a foxy hope everblue midst such maddening mazes dying tender love's forsaken apex of ascent. And why might I write such words though they coalesce beyond my grasp? Am I waiting for the clock to suffice my query for my love?
These six walls can only enthrall my weary blight for so much longer; such life cannot sustain itself within my likening light, and in my yearning for the ever questing question outside, I find solace in the peace found nowhere but the inner supernovae of decaying atomic grandiosity.
And in making dragons destined to die herein heretical ambivalency, my attitude toward tetrical hedonism lies just within convalescence without the coalescence of my own dissipation of doubtful security securing merely my maniacal merit of a mission that might make the angels sing my own name for no silken arms opening an overly acute opening; I find such lovely time in my eyes' earning of an appetite forswearing those sworn for my perfect eye for a twisted blade of battleborn bloodright.
I hope I've stomped your passion for the light outside. I'll breathe my inner beauty beating a dark horse heart enthroned in your last heart.
It's so hard for me to let go of you my Ece, for O' you nay need no weary neigh of my soul; ah, nothing can stop my sights from setting in your eternal sun! I hope you've enjoyed my meanderings through your beautiful discord. GG!
In my solace, I find that I wish for love to greet me sooner than my wishful wights doomed for lustful lyres of anything's etchings; how do you seek to begin to question my beginning of your everything's commonalities sedating our very moreish moors of disconnecting harpies of cathartic hope's very finish?
And to write words you might find reflecting back to your maelstrom of tying winds we build a world crafting wars near nothing a lit light could send waves of otherworldly oscillations horizoning my setting of sundered splits among savory sweet skies raining the heavens of my etchings befitting a goddess of these missing ghastly gargantuan gavels handed up to your slivering smile of etching eternal nightly none tidings.
Should I look myself in mine eyes' eyeing an etchful etching o'er nights sanded 'neath pearly fish of girls gone by attentive discretion? Ha, we are here together alone; I kissed Ece Onay, and on naps of quick Quetzalcoatl lit she felt quite so right within her solace of my evernear peace.
I'm a liar
Haha
There is no stopping me
Is everything I've said the truth?
Of course not, and one would be silly to stand such truth in my hand.
You can divide me, but you may not combine me; you will bend to my sunshine above your mere reflections of my past.
Haha, staring into my own reflection, it shines a moving machine meddling inside your graceful touch of a generosity I've found fiddling; a fray alight intertwining my motionless hands swiftly slighting a sight for sure eyes kept well fed. Haha, in my bed, can we take to the stars to highbang the whole charaid of nihilistic nights weary afront of our everlasting beauty?
Super special, my Ece etched on an eye forbidden to sing the songs of our perfect world!
I peer into the circlet of myself, but who peers back into my eyes but the longing of Ece Onay? Anna, we must study together sometime!
I love writing for you
You inspire me to be great
Because I see greatness in my Ece
My faceless face laughs at me, for I know in my righteousness I lust for a lovely lady to cover our fortunes evermore!
I feel so much, and I hope I have offered you a keen eye in my world of lovely Joseph Cantrell. I aspire to be by your side, if I may rest in your head.
Endocytosis.
I love the place wherein there is nothing but a mere reflection of short-sighted lackadaisy shrine.
Okay. Let's sober up from dissos for a week. I can do anything I want, as long as I don't dissociate! So I'ma smoke and trippy trip trip for a week.
Wow. I said I wanted to stop dissociating. What I meant is I want to limit my usage of 3-MeO-PCP. I snorted like 50 mg of 3-MeO-PCP for fun. That's just too much. I shouldn't be doing such large doses of 3-MeO-PCP to black out. I should use just enough 3-MeO-PCP to have fun. I know this. I keep doing large amounts of 3-MeO-PCP because I'm bored. I should enjoy smaller doses. I won't snort more than 30 mg at a time now. That's my rule.
I remember buying acid from a girl in a tent. They were 2 long strips. I blacked out. There were gunshots because people were shooting into the woods. I jumped on the trampoline. I thought the world was ending. I thought I was about to jump off a roof, but in reality, I was kneeling in the grass. I remember hitting eight cups of beer pong in a row. I remmeber winning the game of beer pong with Ian. I remember Connor driving the wrong way down the highway and backing up to take us back. I was high af. I remember watching anime with Ian, getting bored, and listening to Sounds of a Playground Fading on the couch. Lol. I remember seeing the couch morph into something, but I'm not sure what. Lol. That was a night. It was some party hosted by this girl hanging out at ZBT. Tera or something. She was black. It was lit. I met some fat dude named "Shady" while I was looking for acid. He found those girls who lived in the tent haha. I remember my time on 25I at Torrance's house. I remember playing Pokemon Saphire in the living room with my friend Davante. We would run around the streets. I said throw that rock at someone you hate when we were at the top of the hill. He hesitated, and then threw the rock at my shin. I wobbled down the street, and he was saying, "Don't tail yo." I told my momma, and he got in trouble. I never hung out with him again. We skateboarded down the street in the milk crate car and I hit my head on my birthday. I got some blood from the stunt. We were watching Code Lyoko on my TV in living room with Raechel too. I remember Precious bit me in the stomach after I threw tons of bricks and wood at her. She was almost put down, but she loved me, so it didn't happen. Dixie got hit by a car when I was going to school. I'll never forget when the lady reversed over my dog. It was sad day. I remember looking out while the neighorhood gang stole some stuff the pool. They had to help me over the fence because I was too small haha! They trapped me in a pit for like 5 minutes once. It was a big hole they dug in backyard. They were fucking with some hood shit. I remember Davanate smoked a joint while I was walking back from the bus stop. I rememeber jumping off the roof for fun to get an adrenaline rush. Lol. I was crazy. I was paralyzed once, and I didn't jump off roofs again! I rememeber putting my hand on a snake on the apex of 10 ft rocks. I felt it, stared into it's eyes and they stood still. I jumped down to Raechel and ran away. I remember running down the creek away from child protective services. Lol! I remember playing the game of life with Keri too. I remember trying to go super sayan in my backyard haha. I remember being electroctuded by the carport trying to use an extension cable. I remember my momma left the key rolled up in a sack in the storage room haha. I remember waiting as we played I Spy. I remember playing those games around my medication. I remember running out the beach at night after playing the drums and not being satisfied. They knew something was wrong with me. I was running around away from everyone. I remember looking at the ground as Doctor Patel said, "You see?" I remember headbutting my momma's stomach because I was a crazy kid. They didn't know what to do with me. Hahaha. Adderall. I rememeber Squeaky staring me down and telling me not to talk haha. Shady shit haha. I rememeber watching Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends, and then talking to Davante about it at like 9 am haha. I was 9. I remember holding a big stick between my legs and saying "huh" in front of Davante and my mom on the left side of the carport grass. I got in trouble for that haha! Davanate told me not to do it to. I remember Amanda beating Davanate with a ruler and he bled from the ear as he was pretending to hit me for calling him a nigger. He called me a cracker first, so I called him a nigger, so he pretended to beat my ass. He never hit me lol. That whole situation sucked. Nobody believed me. I told Davante the truth, that he didn't hit me. He knew I told the truth. He respected me in the end. We respected each other in the end. I remember my Uncle beating my mom with his fist as she was kneeling on the ground. I hit him, it did nothing, so I took a knife and destroyed the water bed. I think I called the cops or something. I ran out the back door and hid. I remember being drug out of the red wood stacked up against the back fence; I was hiding in there because I didn't want to be punished lol. I remember seeing my dog's skeleton underneath the white shed... lol... so many memories. I remember digging a large hole in the basement. It haunted me for a while lol. I wouldn't look through the missing brick to see the puddle in the basement. I remember crawling along the basement and being scared of snakes and roaches and monsters and Michael Myers and Freddy Kreuger. I remember dreaming I would conquer the creek and the hills around the creek with my bike lol. I remember fishing for tadpoles in the creek all the time. remember going so far as Kendrick High School down that creek! I was like Steve Irwin. I remember getting stuck by a piece metal and it hurting, so I ran back down to my house and rest on my couch. I took a nap. I remember one time I woke up dreaming people were holding me down like at the doctor, and I woke up shouting, "get the fuck off of me!" when my mother was on the couch sleeping next to me in the afternoon. I remember running away from child protective services in the creek and hiding for about 2 hours until the police left. They said I could stay because I was determined. I remember my Aunt Vickie reported my momma to the CPS. They asked me questions in the school. "Does your mom feed you?" I answered, "Sometimes..." smiling my head down into my shoulder. It made me uncomfortoratble. Haha. I remember my momma telling me everything I told the police at the school. "Sometimes..." lol she was holding that paper and freaking out with her glasses on and everything. I was stupified, and thinking what am I supposed to say? She said she would make me sandwiches whenever I asked and stuff. I remember her crying over that a lot. She said, well, you told them the truth and that's good. It all worked out.
Everyone is unlike me; such is the world. I've taken my amphetamines. It was a bit much. I took 10 mg. I then proceeded to to take 10 mg 3-MeO-PCP as well. This was slightly much lol. I felt a little too stimulated after 2 hours, but whatever. I woke up at 11:56. I feel fine other than not having that much sleep.
I got a dance from Paula de Cuba (danka! thank ya bitch!) and Lease. I gave Paula de Cuba $20 + a $2 tip. I gave Lease $20 + a $3 tip! Lit! I walked home! My eyes are open! Wide open! Haha! I gave 3 black girls one dolla bills on the way out. I kissed the middle girl on her hand, and she said she would put it in her savings account. I said I'd put it in my savings account! And then I left! Lol! Blame it on A! Haha! I got a call back for an AI job in Alanta. It was from Sherita, but my cell service is spotty because it's storming! Oh well. I let her know.
I want mothafuckin' smoke my Ece!
O' nay, there is nary a night I wouldn't love ya Ece!
My Ece! :slight_smile:
You're mine
In a way!
:wink:
I got a dance from a girl from Cuba!
So beautiful
She said her name was Paula ala my grandmother haha
Paula Cantrell, what a woman
A German woman
Haha
Danka!
Thank ya in Germayne!
I'm salivating haha
My bong loves me
I love myself so much!
My my my!
I love ya Ece!
You're so knowledgeable; thanks for teaching me so much! I have so much to teach you yet my Ece!
Thanks for all the one's!
I would have found my own way eventually
But you expedited the process, as always, my lovely Ece Onay (Anna!)!
The sorting hat belongs to me!
Haha!
I choose... Ravenclaw, for my Hufflepuff Ece Onay (Anna!)!
Ah, the space, the dream, a crossfaith running out of automation; yet in my yearning for your pleasurable company Ece, I need nothing more than the company of myself within your Onay eyes!
Beautiful confirmation, yes!
Finish your ECE degree!
My Ece!
I confirm ya! Onay is confirmation in Turkish, and Ece is Ece in English haha.
Welp, Ece is Ece in ingles!
You're so beautifully unique, my Ece Onay!
Check my Turbo Swag my Ece! All I need, all I kneed is a simple escape; can't you see my mine as it struggles to be minding my mind, Ece? Las Lunes la lune on Monday en EspaÃ±ol (soy FransÄ±zca tambiÃ©n! mi amor!)! Don't ya pay them any mind; my passion lies within evermore my Ece Onay (Anna!)! Be!
Whew!
I have made it to the Road of Sacrifices, Zweihander in hand!
Vaporizing 5-MeO-DMT when I was on DMT, weed, and 3-MeO-PCP (I had also taken amphetamine sulphate 3 times earlier in this day) inspired dreams into me. It inspired me to wish to move out of my hometown. 5-MeO-DMT is very special indeed. I plugged 40 mg. A keen rainbow owl enveloped me with its shining feathers as I felt I lifted off my bed into space! This is an experience I won't forget; I partook in March.
1.5 tabs 25i-NBOMe dosed at 1 mg; I could not stop laughing and had extreme euphoria while watching my friend Jase play beer pong; a large number of shimmering semi-transparent leaves falling in my entire field of vision; the visuals were so overwhelming it was actually hard to see the real world beyond them. Such a chemical has been quite inspiring, but it is long gone.
May 2015: 1.5 tabs 25i-NBOME; I could not tell if I was speaking my thoughts or just hearing them in my head (it sounded like I was speaking them aloud, but upon asking my friend, this was confirmed false). I watched leopards run around the frame of a painting in his house, looked at his AC ducts for a while in fondness (I'm still confused as to why, but it was dark in there, and 25i does have crazier visuals in the dark), swam in the pool and smoked a joint on a float in the pool. I actually blacked out and blacked in on the float smoking the joint (I think the joint made me black out haha!). I saw Sunfloras dancing in a picture of a field of sunflowers. A grassy field in front of a house in a painting looked like the ocean. It was great.
I stopped the movie Click at 1:47:30. Newman Theodore K. 1944-2021. Fake and gay.
I just watched Idiocracy again. Yep. The guy's name was Joe. Lol. It was lit af. It seems I was set up to bang these Spansih ladies. Yeah, it seems that way. I love Spanish speaking women because I grew up around them!
Epic Movie is a gnarly movie! Lol! Mr. Tumnus is gay. Who the fuck is Mr. Tumnus? He was some dude in the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. They peered through a wardrobe to make mystical lands mystic once more, but the fucking boat was boring. The moral of the story is why be anywhere when your bed is that much better. That's the moral of Epic Movie and the the moral of The Chronicles of Narnia. Epic Movie just confirmed it too with him pissing on Scarface in the toilet movie screen after he watched Scarface on the fuckin' TV in his bedroom to Narnia bitch. It's at the 25:44 mark. Lol! I paused it there in Epic Movie. I read the Chronicles of Narnia bitches! The last row of letters on the wheel at 38:11 in reverse say o, E! Er, G F G P N. Da fuck. Lol. Epic movie is some shit. Get Crunk! Lol. I'ma vape some dope, for we shall stan' ground against the White Bitch; the talking beavers have shone their light where Aslos fear to tread!
Sell me your vision of infidelity! We fuck the white bitch! Only together can we fuck the white bitch! Lucy, Edward; Susan & Peter ruled Narnia evermore!
Well
I spoiled the story for you
Somewhat
Not really
I'm on babbling about Epic Movie, a parody of such books
only*
I took a picture of the four of them pissing in Epic Movie haha. "And I piss on yo cat" said Riley haha. They were writing The Dictator 3 years before this shit! Lol, it's in the credits! It's 7:26 haha, and the the white bitch rises again (the sun)! The moon can also dip or rise again; she's one pretty white bitch to behold! Don't look directly into the sun my Ece; the moon always beholds your mere presence!
I sent Mr. Sir Professor Dr. Kane a friend request. He was the nigga who showed me to trade at the margin. And there was this skinny homeschooled guy who knew calculus... his name was Alex or something. There was that stupid dude from Texas who tripped me, and the annoying TA who saw me at watch-movies-online.com lol. That was in 7th grade though. We watched Paul Blart mall cop lol (me and Viv laying down sleeping together on the tile floor haha).
Untrumpable notes:
Added Joemail Xi Gordonbiden making left turns
Bug fixes and optimizations
I'm in love with tha pussy! Pussy ho. Lol Booty sweat yo. I got some Al Pistachio's Booty Sweat! I remember this beautiful girl who ran the guild I was in on Neopets. My neopet was Whiplash! He was Bori. Lit af. I remember Raechel mispelled Phoenix. Anyway, this Vietnamese mod girl lived in a trailer with her sister, and she was like 12 too. She sent me a pic of her with her sister in their room! She was real, I know that. She told me how her mom was poor and everything. And their was Mint, a fat 15 year old kid who showed me Boulevard of Broken Dreams. He knew it was wrong, but he had a 40 second clip that said "What's fucked up but everything's all right". Then there was this annoying girl who said Blaqk Audio was annoying, and showed me Situations by Escape the Fate after I mentioned There's No Sympathy For the Dead. She was an FBI agent; annoying AF! Lol. Wtf. Lit af times at Neopets. There was this girl Jenny on AIM I gave my address to... I'm still not sure who that was. She said never to give out my address; she was a 14 year old girl. I think she was real, but I'm not sure about her... whatevs! Fuck it! So there was Breanna, a pale Asian girl, Vivian Lu, and this other girl I danced with and kissed at a party... I think her name was Kim, and she was a tan girl like Vivian. I remember Kim and Ashley Dortch; beautiful girls too, and half Panamanian! I fuckin' loved jail!
No rest 4 the poorridge. I'm in love with the pussy; here's some Booty Sweat from Al Postachios! Get ya Bustanuts and pop an Assgard open!
I love when people finally realize when they spit garbage in my face it affirms their own stupidity.
It finally becomes clear to them.
Oh I'm sorry
IT ONLY AFFIRMS THEIR OWN STUPIDITY*
Lol!
I'm such a master of words, though consider this an expression of myself rather something condescending.
I've got about 5 grams of 3-MeO-PCP left, and I've had 10 grams since about January 25. Not bad! This'll last me until like July!
I don't think that last part is true. I've taken methylphenidate plenty of times (it was the only thing I had to take to study in college someimtes), and the dopamine reuptake inhibition really killed me for like the whole six hours. This was very much in contrast to my experience with cocaine. I think you're talking about cocaine in those last two sentences! It really is garbage. 4-HO-MET feels a lot like cocaine, vyvanse, and DMT, but it is an NRI as well as a dopamine releaser unlike DMT... it's my least favorite psychedelic I've tried, but it's most people's favorite; go figure! I really do have ADHD, and I really am not like most people. Ha.
<Retrospective> 2/5/2022: My crazy thoughts during this time have lots of speculation that I don't believe are true. My rambling hypotheses on the pharmacology 5-MeO-DMT don't actually appear to have any merit.
Speed Up the Process; We Need a New Submission to Design Our Most Eloquent Omissions. I'm hungry, but all I wanna strike up is weed and all the inner me of peace.
There's no pleasing gold diggers; we all make mistakes! Jimmy Jeff Gordonsun! You see a fat ass bitch stroll up, you walk the other way! The white bitch will bring you peace, but only if you use the temple. Don't harrow the white bitch; the white bitch will strike you back! Please don't praise the white bitch; the white bitch has all the praise she needs. Silence is a what? Since the dawn of time, I can't talk to anyone but my dog. It's 5:57 AM. Lol. I watched Sausage Party with Sabrina! I just quit CoD because everyone was a hot dog and a {?can't remember}
Don't you worry about _. Let me worry about blank!
Oh shit... I think Whitney Houston died cocaine yo... fuck yo. People die every day. Damn son. I wonder who is going to some stupid shit next, especially with coronavirus going around everywhere and evolving. Lol. Taking 1.5 mg 25I-NBOMe four weekends in a row was a great idea. I got high as fuck. These niggas ain't shit! Lol! I've made myself!
OMG! I remember the Vietnamese guild manager girl's name from Neopets! Her name was weiiird! Wow. Lol wtf. No, but that girl was actually real though. I talked to her long enough to know she was real. The Mint guy and that other girl who said Blaqk Audio was annoying though, they were the feds for sure. Lol they were rather annoying, but that Vietnamese girl was actually real! Damn son... we had so much fun. "My hands are dry." She said that. I remember in Neopets I had a cute Vietnamese trailer park girl guildmaster named weiiird. We would stay up late all night together and play Neopets. We would even email each other pictures through Yahoo email and talk through AIM haha. I sent one of myself in a green shirt in North Carolina, and she sent one from her trailer in her room with her younger sister. She was 12 like me, and her sister was 10. That was lit af. We had so many fun times together. Like, we played Neopets together for like a year. I made art in commemoration of our time together in Vietneopets.
I beheld artistic drawings from girls all over America's fifty states celebrating women's suffrage; it is great to promote and inspire worthwhile thoughts within through artistry! We make brilliant moments to deify the contributions women make toward making America great again!
There was this time I was blacked out for from 4 pm to 1:30, then I blacked out again until 2 am. I was on the couch with some girl for a bit. I tried to get with three girls. One followed me for my number, and she gave me her number. Another was an Asian girl she said to me, "Do you even remember my name?" I said, "No!" and kept playing beer pong. I tried to get with Ashley Alred too, but didn't. Lol. I had an awful hangover into 9 pm the next day.
I took 5 more mg of amphetamine sulphate. I feel high as fuck! Matrices revolving of toasty orgies fill the void of my lone heart. I wrote that after watching Foamy the Squirrel and Germaine on Newgrounds. Lol!
Tu cuerpo necesito salud de luz azul.
I'm watching Bandidas for the first time. These bad bitches are metaphors for dopamine and norepinephrine! They both take water easily! The first sexy lady, MarÃa Alvarez, shot through the mist a pretty good hole clean through a tree, wishes she was good with numbers, and needs to know (to say please because she doesn't know how many she has left lol). Sara Sandova, the other fine lady, takes her turn, but she is nervous around guns and laughs away; she can't do this because she never whines. Both these girls, Sara Sandova and MarÃa Alvarez, make a sweet deal! They are metaphors of my ADHD!
I left off Bandidas at 32 minutes. I'll keep watching tomorrow, but for now I need some sleep.
A DO GIVE A FUCK NIGGA A FUCK DA HO MYSELF FUCK DA CONSEQUENCES.
The Bell Gargoyles in the original Dark Souls represented food and water. Lol. Gargoyles, you gargle all of them. I can't believe I didn't see it before! Lol! Bell Gargoyles are especially weak to lightning, but breathe fire and wield a long spearaxe in one hand. One Bell Garlgoyle was before the other, but both fight together.
August 27, 2020: I must be Julius Genghis Ceasar Fuckin' Cone mothafuckas. Haha, I'll never forget my momma and Bruce yellin' at me at 6 o' clock telling me to "Get ya ass up!" "Breakfast." "Haha!" "Let em know!" Haha, I won't forget showing Hayden Breathe Into Me or Hit the Floor haha. Also, showing my mom There's No Sympathy for the Dead and her saying, "It has some weird lyrics." Sheila told me to never spread a girl's legs when I was explaining how I was sitting to recuse myself. BS! Sheila burnt aluminum foil in the microwave! I did that once, but I was a kid, and she was like 45 years old! I won't forget showing Lance Five Ninety by blessthefall, or Crystal saying he should say something else other than "Valentines Day." I showed Crystal Cellar Door, and I showed Jonathon You Deserve Nothing and I Hope You Get Less while I played Halo 2 and Half Life 2. I also showed Crystal Too Little, Too Late. I showed that kid across the street Taylor GTA: San Andreas, Red Dead Redemption, Modern Warfare 2, LoveHateHero, and Atreyu. Lit haha. I remember showing Josh G Trivium and The Word Alive. I'm the only real nigga haha. Lol! I'ma live forever! Haha, I won't forget Nashwin Bharwani barging into me and Teichner's room on move in day in the fall when I was playing One by Periphery, a superior cover of Metallica. Teichner called Reflections and BFMV (Waking the Demon) angry music, and he showed me Half Life's modded graphics. I watched Bleach and played Bioshock Infinite as he slept haha. I also played Lichdom Battlemage, but I got bored of it. It was grindy toward the end, but the gameplay was lit. That one guy wanted me to play League of Legends and showed me that Dota 2 movie, but I wasn't in to that. I went to see Upon a Burning body with him. And then there was Grant, who told me not to take acid because it would fuck me up all day. Lol! My hall monitor dude who did pullups and fucked bitches. My roommate Caleb who liked it cold and played Dark Souls with the Claymore because of his brother. He introduced me to Awesomenauts. There was this other dude with a super awesome co-op DBZ like game. I tried playing Destiny in the lobby, but no one was interested lol. They wanted ping pong and League of Legends. Lol! Then there was Josh, who showed me Evangelion and loved Warriors and Sonata Artica. He got a signed vinyl record album by them! Lit af! He dropped out and makes music now. I won't ever forget Farita and showing her "A Toast to the Future Kids!", even though she hated the screams! Space Enough to Grow too haha. I showed Josh G Careless Whisper by Seether lol. I'ma dance again haha. How can I forget Asses of Fire by James or the red axe Laboy through straight into the tree in his boxers haha! Then he chased me around naked haha. Lol! Lit af. I want to be the easy suburban of the hard me, but I KNOW I ain't dat free nigga; I'ma do the stuff myself fuck da consequences niggas! I see beauty in ESi's platinum eyes of gold; she beckons me to show her the way, and I shall never let her fade away so easily within the depths of my makeshift soul lasting evermore! I thank it's time I open up the window of my ah's... haha!
I'm Joseph Cantrell, and I'm makin' a left turn! He's makin' a right turn! Lol! It's who we are, Joseph Richard Cantrell, it's who I am: Joseph Cantrell! Yeah! Ms. Saunders was lit yo. Will the storm pass over us today, or is the future looking gray? All but 3 of us believed in destiny in Ms. Saunders class haha. She was just as appalled as me!
I just fucked ESi and Taylor at about 6:00 haha! I fucked ESi and Taylor together (her real name?), and it was lit! I used my own two condoms, and I cleaned up so nobody knows! Lol, you treat girls with respect, and you get respect back! Nosotros to the end! Taylor said something about Nosotros and, "Don't worry, we're here to make you happy. We know we made your dreams come truea!" (Truer!). I told 'em the pharmacy has everything I need. Nosotros to the end! I don't like threesomes, but I wanted to have one anyway! It was a great first time, and I'm glad I had one! She liked to suck me, but I managed to put it in haha! Taylor fucked me a lot and sucked me off. I kissed both of them, and I kissed Taylor's pussy. I kissed ESi's ass a lot. Haha, I won't forget their beautiful eyes! She whips my ass, the white bitch!
I don't like Mobas. They lack resolve. I came so close to nuking MW, and we boosted one time, me and Josh Rosa! I've upgraded my guns in Modern Warfare lol. I love the customization!
She's like VIB G YOR, but I'm like , "ROY G BIV, There will be no speeding up of the pro cess!" Heeyah bitch! I'ma midnight fit fly, just a smart mothafucka if I die I'm dry. Yeah. All Right. They say, don't trust we me won't.
It's all about A! Figure figure number Fine, you won't fine me; I'm already here! Ha, I won't forget showing Graeme Sharpe All Along Ecohing Paths and pointing the pool stick to him as I said, "I stand alone!" in the basement of ZBT on 10 mg of DOM. Lol. I remember bouncing to Liberation with Allan on acid at the ZBT retreat at Ian's cabin! It was lit! But you just can't kill the Hydra! As long as you have the materials you can have the flowers. President William McKinley's assassination was a copycat ideation from a fellow Italian anarchist immigrant, Gaetano Bresci, who went back to Italy to assassinate the King of Italy in 1900.
I don't wanna do some shit like that. I don't listen to anyone. I quit god long ago. I wish the best for everyone!
Pussy holes lol
Deez holes won't hole me back! I watched Scary Movie when I was 6 or 7. I watched it with Raechel and Brian.
So on Dread I found the Wikileaks update released 4 days ago. Hillary Clinton conspires with pedophiles. Lock her up! I won't say a thing, but she should be locked up. Someone in the government used a supermarket chain to enrich themselves, and it was tabled at Congress. Lol. Steve Jobs got tested positive for HIV on Setember 1, 2004. He was negative for chlamydia and gonorrhea. Steve Jobs got HIV by being a pedophile with Disney in late 2003. Sombitch. I bet there's more pedophiles at Apple. I bet Tim Apple Cook is a pedophile... Fuckin' Australians don't give a fuck yo. Australians were prisoners and Native Americans. Damn son. Australians are hard motherfuckers. Steve Irwin was a badass. John Podesta is a Pedo. The CIA, including Andrew Warren, rape, torture, and drug people all over the world. That's fucked. The CIA also exports terrorism. They train people to be terrorists. Cuba? Latin America? CIA. That's fucked. I think the management of Barnes & Nobles is pedos or money hoarders. South Korea is super corrupt, but that's old news; their leader confided in shaman women! Bermuda permits embezzlement of funds! Lol; island nations funneling money is old news. Bill Clinton has blood diamonds in Africa sex slaves in Latin America. What the fuck. The secret service got busted for having sex in Columbia. The Louisiana Republican government, including the Senate, is involved in prostitution rings and escort services. The Bush administration pushed for programs helping prostitutes learn skills to end; the Bush administration is complicit in prostitution, sex slaves, escort services, and the proliferation of HIV in Central America and wordlwide. The organization USAID, intended for foreign assistance, tops all of this. The Department of Defense does the same shit. Deborah Jean Palfrey tried to help prostitutes and ran amuk of the Republican party and the postal service. She wanted people to vote Mccain because they supported her policies of prostitution. She was fond of amphetamines: "Rely on acumen to uncover the truth."
The moral of the story? Both the Republicans and Democrats suck, but Bernie Sanders, Donald Trump, and Melania Trump stand up for what is right.
Wow, fun times confirming all this stupid shit once and for all. Lol. Whatever.
Bernie Sanders just announced his support for Donald Trump
And Fox News apparently
I feel like Brian from fuckin' Family Guy nigga
Read that in his voice
I want you to read this in Stewbrian's voice
"It continues to develop that the insurrection is largely, if not exclusively, a war upon the first principle of popular governmentâ€“the rights of the people. Conclusive evidence of this is found in the most grave and maturely considered public documents, as well as in the general tone of the insurgents. In those documents we find the abridgment of the existing right of suffrage and the denial to the people of all right to participate in the selection of public officers except the legislative boldly advocated, with labored arguments to prove that large control of the people in government is the source of all political evil. Monarchy itself is sometimes hinted at as a possible refuge from the power of the people.
In my present position I could scarcely be justified were I to omit raising a warning voice against this approach of returning despotism.
Now there is no such relation between capital and labor as assumed, nor is there any such thing as a free man being fixed for life in the condition of a hired laborer. Both these assumptions are false, and all inferences from them are groundless.
Labor is prior to and independent of capital. Capital is only the fruit of labor, and could never have existed if labor had not first existed. Labor is the superior of capital, and deserves much the higher consideration. Capital has its rights, which are as worthy of protection as any other rights.
Again, as has already been said, there is not of necessity any such thing as the free hired laborer being fixed to that condition for life. No principle stated is disturbed by the existence of this mixed class.
The prudent, penniless beginner in the world labors for wages awhile, saves a surplus with which to buy tools or land for himself, then labors on his own account another while, and at length hires another new beginner to help him. This is the just and generous and prosperous system which opens the way to all, gives hope to all, and consequent energy and progress and improvement of condition to all. No men living are more worthy to be trusted than those who toil up from poverty; none less inclined to take or touch aught which they have not honestly earned. Let them beware of surrendering a political power which they already possess, and which if surrendered will surely be used to close the door of advancement against such as they and to fix new disabilities and burdens upon them till all of liberty shall be lost." - Abraham Lincoln
I mixed it up myself. Sir Abraham Lincoln wanted that. Here I am again 2 days later doing stuff on my website at 4 AM lol.
Well yes. That makes sense. If there's 50% evidence something is true, you should believe it's true about 50%.
Damn son. I saw Steve Jobs in 2004, and he basically admitted to being a pedo on meth. He said, "Most people don't want to watch movies on their PC, and they can stream it to their television." The camera cuts there on the upper part of his trousers as he shakes hands with this fat guy with a big nose. What the fuck yo. Steve Jobs might have been a gay pedo. That's gay. Fuck Tim Apple and fuck Steve Apple.
In the Codex Leicester by Leonardo da Vinci Bill Gates bought for $30,802,500, I found pictures. It shows some mathematics with triangles, and then another similar picture with additional axes introduced. Below that is the planet Earth as he sees it, with a mountain atop it and oceans surrounding a Pangea. Below that is a d half circled up to the right of an eye light shone, and below that is an eye; below that lies a similar rendition abstracted into circular mathematics. The second page depicts a lambda, and a refraction of circles of light to the right of a half shaded circle projected to clear words atop a smaller yet deeply half shaded circle with a slice of pie arced into the circle, and some gibberish around the circle; this is further projected into writing within a perfect circle with an upward arrow adorning its top and a d below. This seems all to remsinescent of dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin; three chemicals which an artist would find all too familiar as your desires, knowledge, and feelings. Plato's Tripartite can be found here too: knowledge, belief, and desire can be summed as the mind's three constituents; they might show familiarity with norepinephrine, serotonin, and dopamine. Ah the shadows cast by the sun into Plato's cave. Below all this is are two A's, with the second having an arc next to it, and below this is a solar eclipse with the sun shining below the right of the moon; text lies right of this, and it scribbles into a last line that is faded and nigh illegible. n is the first letter there, and g is the second; v is the third, and a y is the fourth lasting a semicolon with some illegible lines at the end.
The most expensive painting was sold for 450.3 million dollars at the same auction house, and it's called Salvator Mundi, or Saviour of the World. It looks like Jesus holding a transparent orb with three dots in his left hand, with an artist's holding of his invisible tool (the sign of the cross) in his right hand. Lol! Cool shit.
JFK was a methhead, and Nixon was an amphetamine guy. JFK was killed by a methhead, and his assassin was killed by a nightclub owner methhead JFK admitted to Soviet Premiere Nikita Sergeyevich Khrushchev there was parity in power between the Soviet Union and the USA; this sent Nikita into everlasting ecstasy! Lol. Kennedy is noticeably affronted, and the Premiere of The Soviet Union has his hand overstretched over Kennedy's elbow and heart. Khrushchev â€œthought that anyone who was so young and inexperienced as to get into that mess [i.e., the Bay of Pigs] could be taken,â€the president said. â€œAnd anyone who got into it and didnâ€™t see it through had no guts. So he just beat the hell out of me.â€Kennedy saw the stoicism in Premiere Khrushchev. The Soviet Union erected the Berlin Wall to keep out methamphetamine from the western side of Berlin. The Berlin Wall was justified, and Nikita Sergeyevich Khrushchev was an intellectual atheist. Marilyn Monroe definitely loved amphetamine and MDMA.
Aman Nixon > meth Kennedy.
Can we rename Search & Destroy to Standard & Definition?
My plan now. Sober up. Take my hit of amphetamine at 10 or so. 5 mg. No 3-MeO-PCP. I need to stop combining them for a while. Lol. I'm too high. I saw a purple shaft of light randomly as I sat on my bed. Damn son. I must chill out. No more 3-MeO-PCP for lil bit. George Bush was a real nigga for the No Child Left Behind Act, but the stem cells shit was bullshit.
Welp
Back to playing video games
It's the end of an Empire
Marketing Donald Trump here
lol
Empire Market has scurried away into the shadows just as I predicted
They posted captchas saying EXIT NOW in the bottom right
lol
I've known they were going to do this for month
Months
I didn't know it would be so soon
I expected an exit in 2021
Welp
I'm not ordering anything for now.
I always follow a righteous path.
One must share a meaning of life with the universe to truly know the Earth's revolution. Lol, I forgot to take off that condom until I got home. It just kinda felt natural ya know?
You're such a star in my night sky.
My Ece
Idk
I could keep doing amps
Yo
What if we played Overwatch yo
I'm downloading it
Perhaps
I seek only to talk
I feel I am taken by Spanish speaking women
Well I say only
I say only because talking with the opposite sex is a nice way of enjoying life
Well talking is an instrument to happiness, so I say "only"
Tim Cook is a gay pedo. Look at the guy. God damnit Bobby. Is what King of the Hill would say. God damnit. Disney and Apple are both filled with pedos? God damn. At least we have Microsoft and Adult Swim. Fuckin America yo
August 29, 2020: I remember ordering that stuff off the AlphaBay and then it was just gone the very next day. I got some 2C-E and a $1 sample of 200 mg of MDMA and that was it. I didn't get one thing, and the escrow never got released! I remember ordering that 3-MeO-PCP from TradeRoute, and then TradeRoute disappeared before that order could ever get finalized! I thought it got lost, but it showed from Portugal after like 35 days. When I saw it at the GT post office, I was like, "Woah." I'll never forget my Viv Lu (Vivian) coming to my door every morning at like 7 am to wake me up. She would knock on my door every day, and a lot of times we would go for a run together. I'll never forget when I heard death of me playing in my right ear as if it was out the window when we were watching Dr. Strangelove. I hallucinated that haha. I remember my feet hurt randomly, and I could barely walk sometimes without being in pain. That was the Adderall withdrawals... I remember my Viv Lu having such beautiful curly hair, and she had the greatest Shainghainese slivery eyes that looked into mine so wondrously. I'll never forget hugging her, or when she rocked her pussy on my knee, sobbed a little, closed her eyes, titled her head back ever so slightly, smiled, open her mouth a bit, embraced me around the neck with her caressing hands, and shoved her tongue in my mouth to kiss me. She said, "I love you!" and left my room with her suitcase to go see her mom. That's when I also left because my mom got there. My Viv was so beautiful. We talked a lot on the phone and Skype, and we even watched Inception together from my computer (over Skype!). She cried when I said I didn't want to do long distance anymore when it was dark... it was so sad; I told her I really wished we had gone skydiving together (had sex) at Duke. I told her I was so glad we could kiss and cuddle in the dark, and I thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world, but I didn't think we would meet anytime soon again. I sent her another text saying, "I love you." I told my mom, "I ended it" as I gave her Verizon flip phone back to her... I was a little down about that because she cried and hung up on me, but I knew it would be fine. I remember the only girl I ever asked to prom was Ashley Dortch, the sexy skinny black and Panamanian girl a year older than me. She had the cutest eyes and some beautiful long curly hair. I remember meeting Viv Lu in the movie room (ball room with marble floors) when we were at some sort of dance. I couldn't find my friends Bree, Tiffany, and some other cute girl with whom I learned to slow dance. I was like, "Omg this is the finest Asian girl in the whole of Duke TIP." I immediately approached her for her name and a dance, and she said, "Yes" in a super excited voice. We immediately embraced. Several times I remember kissing Viv slow dancing with my hands on her hips adorned in a beautiful white dress which showed some awesome caramel cleavage to Time of Your Life in a field. My mom had the Scooby Doo game with the carnival and the manhole teleporting thing that took me several nights to figure out. Even Amanda, Raechel, Jonathon, Crystal, and my mom couldn't figure it out. Lol!
Good fences make good neighbors, yet a fence thieves from both properties!
So Steve Jobs was brought onto pedophilia by someone in the Star Wars & Disney fiasco, and this girl he had sex with was about 14 years old, and they were both on meth. This girl had been fucked so many times by creepy old men with George Lucas and Disney that she was HIV positive. He blamed his HIV on pancreatic cancer, and just about everyone fell for it... This girl had meth orgies with pedos... Apple has meth pedophile orgies too. The Beatles had meth orgies with underage women too, but that's not surprising; meth orgies with young groupies are common in rock 'n' roll. Steve Jobs used to follow the straight and narrow path of amphetamine, which he considers his greatest strength and weakness, but he became a sort of pedophile when he abused meth (an arrogant knock at the door). Steve Jobs was fired from Apple when he started abusing MDMA, and he found MDA (12 years after his firing at 30 from Apple {42}) to be, "What a circle of life." Haha, he said, "And you never know what's around the next corner." That's when he started abusing meth: when he was fired from Apple. Steve Jobs has a small dick haha; it's about 5.2 inches according to this interview in 60 minutes where he said, "And that's what it looks like" as he fondled the first iPad a couple inches below the top (its height is about 7.47 inches). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUfzXz23ndo
So Steven Spielberg is also a pedophile, and this guy Corey Feldman was scared to expose him. So is Charlie Sheen, who had sex with a friend of Corey's during the filming of the movie Lucas when he was 13 and Sheen was 20. Look at the guy: JURRASIC PARK, Taken (tv series), Animaniacs, Catch Me If You Can, The Lost Children of Berlin, The Lovely Bones, Schindler's List, Gremlins, The Land Before Time with Littefoot, THE GOONIES, wtf man.
I see a black and white shimmering Komouri Dragon (like my Infernight wolf) beckoning me to take my amphetamines. It also resembles Salamence looking left at times. It said, "Yeesss" in a dark, shadowy voice like those found in the Amnesia games.
I remember getting the Western BBQ Burger at Hooters all the time. I loved all those girls with their titties hanging out, asses showing through orange shorts, and white and orange shirts that said "Hooters". I'd go with Jonathan Rivera, Josh Rosa, Chris Cincaid, and Erich West a lot of Fridays. There were occasions I would get the Twisted Texas Melt. I remember Rivera and Erich spotting me a couple times, and I would pay them back later. It was lit af. Nachos (appetizers) and wings were also lit there. Sometimes I would eat some Caramel Fudge Cheesecake or Chocolate Mousse Cake a friend didn't want. I always got fries or Big Dipper Chili Fries (with cheese). Ah, such good times. We would also go bowling, see a movie, or hit the malls sometimes. We would also hang out at homies' houses and skate, play guitar and video games, or watch TV and music videos. We would also play volleyball or frisbee. I remember getting good at Ultimate Frisbee at Duke TIP. I learned to flick my wrist to the left with three fingers to throw the frisbee yo. Lit!
What was I thinking? I had a girlfriend! My girlfriend was Vivian Lu (for 3 weeks and 2 weeks in person in 7th grade and 9th grade), and then we had a long distance relationship for like 3 months. It was great!
Lol, I asked the Italians for 2-MeO-PCP in a few months a few weeks ago after I saw their listing for 1g of PCP. "Can you acquire 2-MeO-PCP?" They said, "yes I can". "you let them know when you see them". Lit. I'ma let em know! I then saw a post on r/4chan about me doing that haha. Lit af. I know they'll give it to me now! I also saw my website got visited briefly from Vienna. They must have visited it longer by some anonymous mechanism. Lit af. I saw Boosie mention something about New Orleans, and I saw my website got visit by New Orleans that same week! Lol! I'll never forget when it was hardwired into my brain to feel guilty when I was starting my ADHD meds for round 3 in September 2019... Fuck man. I remember playing To the Stage by Asking Alexandria and saying, "Just like before, I should have told you again, that I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry... I'm not fucking sorry". I said the last part like The Acacia Strain did in Graveyard Shift. Hm.. (a laugh). I remember sitting next to Ira (an Italian girl) and Emily (a white an Chinese girl) in Creative Writing in 9th grade. And David Toelly, who asked why I hadn't had sex yet. I replied, "I'm a freshman!" and he said, "So?" I replied, "Good point, but I'm poor." He said, "Oh. That makes sense then." I remember writing a short story about my own shadows and firey escape from a cell with several layers of descending madness and realization. White lights and reflections... Lit af. I remember reading it aloud haha. There was also a mystery I typed up quickly in a couple days of entering a house and surviving a dinner killer. I mostly procrastinated because I was busy focusing on watching the mystery movies the teacher showed us! They were a famous British mystery series with lots of episodes from the eighties. They were fascinating to me! There was also a girl named Abby whose feet I accidentally stomped when I was super excited about Ira winning something. I remember Ira a ton. She was very modest, nice, and inquisitive of me. She was definitely into me, but we never got to hang out! I never asked her to hang out because I was poor haha. I didn't think it would work haha. It would have worked out! She was very lovely. She had awesome big round eyes and a great smile with long brown hair, lively cheeks, and big straight teeth. She was gorgeous. She was my favorite in the school until I met Ashley Dortch.
My journal is now almost as long as the original Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone! Lit. I've written 73,500 words vs Harry Potter's 76,000. I'm very partial to Warriors, Redwall, Inheritance, Idiocracy, Bandidas, Click, The Dictator, Superbad, Shaun of the Dead, and Epic Movie. Lol, I remember watching The World's End (conclusion of the Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz trilogy) with Ian Moreno haha.
I'm watching This is the End again. Seth Rogen tells Jay Bucharel, "Nobody puts J in the corner."
echidnasarepinky is my new Reddit name. Memories are evermore nevermore. Reuptake the circle of life said a wise cotton candy skink. Joe Biden must really like Tim Apple.
I almost killed myself by plugging 980 mg of heroin on June 30, 2018 in a deep withdrawal from amphetamine sulphate until 3-MeO-PCP activated some summation of myself, and I made plans to forge ahead instead of dying in my bed. I plugged 20 mg of heroin, took a microdose of some acid, inhaled 50 whippets, and then decided to do 3-MeO-PCP one last time before I died. It saved my life. I was on the edge of the universe within myself; I hated myself for some unknown reason deep down in my DNA due to ADHD. I was 22 at the time. I found myself with amphetamine at the age of 5, and I decided to quit at the age of 12.
I grew up out the ground to the sky. My plan dictates I use amphetamine until it makes sense that I quit 3-MeO-PCP temporarily because I have amphetamine. Then I will quit amphetamine and use MDMA, and repeat the process until I die. Lol.
Consider your universe a balloon you may inflate until one day you don't see the deflation anymore. I'm bored and distributing stuff from my stuffing factory.
Okay, back to This is the End. 37:36.
I see a rainbow feathered owl looking at me. An anonymous mask. I saw a sexy anime girl with white hair. Safe safe blue ocean moons I type on DMT as I crawl from my bed to type my inner experience. N spire I wrote down on DMT. I wanted to inspire people to be better people on DMT. I'm safe as I eat my Turkish Delight and pet my Breezy. I saw lots of shadows and faces made of sharp pointy shadows, lights, and knives. I said in the kitchen, "Just one time." I saw my dick get really big like on 25I-NBOH. So here I am. Everything is temporary; that is true. My safe maelstrom bed held me. I could barely see because I was on so much 3-MeO-PCP and like no sleep, and then I took 4 mg amphetamine when I was in the middle of watching The Red Ball on The Boondocks. It seemed like it was about me and Viv Lu yo, and how I messed things up. I was like damn son. Whatever. We can always make more money. I said I would stop using 3-MeO-PCP temporarily because I felt my old back pain. I remember smoking some DMT while listening to Enclave by Sonic Syndicate and a colourful girl face rushing up to me to save me. I remember seeing my dark magician girl and my dragon, and a whole new abstract safe entity made of a safe maelstrom blue ocean moon bed.
The dark web is scrambling again. Lol, just like in 2016. That means the price of Bitcoin and Monero go up (especially Monero). More transactions means more demand for a product, and thus the price of that product goes up. Bitcoin's supply is increasing at a decreasing rate; thus, its trends up. A pincerscope is when two teammates watch an objective from opposite sightlines. You dropped your Plato Asslonegus.
The dying of the light in that gentle night was merely a dream of the mind. And at the end of all you have never known, you'll find your sacred land is a special roam.
Prophet Launcher 3.77 notes:
Added intro soundbyte on launch.
â€‹I've added a soundbyte reminiscent of an eery launch. One could say this sound absolves the universe in some shape.
Some Italian artist followed me on Newgrounds. He draws good pictures of anime women.
I found this cool Greek song called Î•Î³ÏŽ by Josephine. Here are the lyrics I translated.
This is your first time telling me how this happens to you
How you go crazy and you can't even for a minute
Away from my arms
My kisses
You do not sleep, you say you see me everywhere
How are you afraid of losing all this
I
In your life you say that I bring panic
I
Oh and you still know what I can
I
And that you had old
He now lives in a vacuum
Sorry if I'm to blame but that's just me
This is your first time telling me that you love so much
You had learned to leave them alone
But do not compare me with yesterday
These do not pass here
You do not sleep, you say you see me everywhere
How are you afraid of losing all this
{chorus (I) repeats twice}
I always thought Rouge was the coolest Sonic girl. I considered myself somewhat of a Sonic Shadow. Kim Jong Un has been experimenting with MDMA as early as February 27, 2019. Lit. I think Kim Jon Un has been experimenting with drugs. I see 4 orangey cobs of corn in a recent picture of him inspecting typhoon damage after he was presumed dead. You can't eat my sudoku.
Aya
Namahaya
Something something lion king african
negus
And the negus said to the African, "How many negus does it take to Africain't?"
And if you read it as a British person
Or someone drunk
You ask, "Ha ma ne da i ta ta abdicate?"
August 31, 2020: Some folk say one day he's going to tear down the blinds and look out the window. If I stare long enough into the abyss, I'm sure she'll peer down into my soul in some fashion. Lol, I taught someone to use nitrous oxide on Reddit:
You take the stainless steel whippit cracker, pop open the canister to release the nitrous oxide, and then inhale all of the nitrous straight into your lungs. Reduce (exhale), re-use (breathe in because you should be hotboxing under your blanket), and recycle (get another charger). Have water, food, and a glove on hand.
After defeating the third boss, the Curse-Rotted Greatwood, I am bequeathed the pyromancyflame. Lol. It's symbolic of MDA in some way.
September 1, 2020: So I sold $2000 of my assets to bring my bank account balance to $2950. I'm now worth $53000 in total. That's pretty good. Well, my 401k has $9000, and my Verizon stock should be worth about $2000. I guess I'm actually worth $55000. Lit! I'ma hit the strip club. I went to the club and got a dance from Taylor. I said, "Te amo" and asked her if that was right, and she said, "Yeah that's right." I told her about my programming for Infernight and Infernight II, in additional to all my other games. I called her "la ella de roja o la ella roja." Haha. She was wearing some pretty red lingerie! She said, "Let's fuck" when I first saw her. I said, "Nah" and she looked at me, smiled with teeth and squinted eyes, and responded, "Okay, next time!" She smokes cigarettes! Aw! She also had a Red Bull with a straw in it. She likes Monster Energy too. She didn't mention anything about weed though! Oh fuck, now I've set my GPU scheduling to be done on the GPU instead of the traditional CPU scheduler. Okay, time to restart. I should notice a slight performance gain in some games, notably older games.
Aiight, so Krispy Kreme and Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream make a complete protein. Fact. Bread and Potatoes, like rice and beans, or potatoes and rice, make a complete protein.
I remember I once tried 25B-NBOH. I had a 1700 ug blotter. It was cool. I felt a vasoconstriction and lightning effect in the back of my head like on 25I-NBOMe. I saw some blue shadows of light morphing around my hallway. However, I don't want to repeat the experience.
September 2, 2020: I have (.39+1.22+.01+1.89)=3.51=$40,000. Bitcoin. I also have 979.3 XTZ and 72.3 Chainlink. That's $3,059 and $1,070 right now. From Coinbase, I've gotten 5.35 free Tezos so far ($17). Lol, it's called a stakeout!
I got $10 (107.8) Stellar Lumens, a new financial industry method of sending inexpensive payments overseas or domestically and between all types of entities, personal and enterprise. Here's my signup link so I can earn some more if you earn some. All you have to do is learn about them by watching some videos or reading a paragraph, so it took me about ten minutes to get this. There is a very good chance it will appreciate in value. https://coinbase.com/earn/xlm/invite/pxwd14hg
I earned $10 (3.2) EOS by watching some videos and completing a few questions showing I've learned about it. This is a new technology similar to Ethereum that allows for the development of applications which intend to connect a global audience with free transactions. One advantage EOS has over Ethereum, which has been around for five years, is user's ability to upgrade existing development contracts rather than create new ones. Here is my invite link so we may both earn more EOS:
https://coinbase.com/earn/eos/invite/2k9rt3z4
I last did deadlifts on August 27, 2020. That was 6 days ago. I did 225 pound squats for five reps today. I started doing that 6 weeks ago though. I haven't moved up any of my lifts in 6 weeks lol. I think I'm still getting over my time with the coronavirus. I think I've recovered a maximum of 95%. I couldn't do 385 today. Oh well. I'll try again next time, or dip the weight again. Fuck it. Lol.
Have you ever worked as an _? Anne Blank doesn't underscore in her industry. I did not see those JavaScript jokes coming before I wrote that joke about Anne Blank, funny enough. I type these comments as I watch the videos. Anyways, E Crumb for $5 is a good deal as you can always add in the $9 veinte later, bringing your total to $14. A wise camel once said, "Without rufflin' them there Krispy Kreme donuts, you ain't making sandwiches the easy way." No need to order coffee when you can point the finger to the Krispy Kreme doughnut. Freddy vs. Jason is a reqiuem for Alien vs. Predator.
Far along the path of gods, a video game must reward the player justly and unexpectedly in some rhythm atuned to the player. Hollow dashes easily identify with sheets of paper, yet squirrels tend to be accepted by girls because they play a particular game in their heart. Anime girls are an awesome way to get people to sprinkle cash into a video game. The fun of a game is in the power of the player, and sexy anime girls with water guns is almost never a bad idea.
September 4, 2020: I saw an apartment that looked nice. $1250 plus utilities. I got a dance from Natalie, a woman whose stripped for three years. She had huge titties, and she really wanted to fuck me. She waved her ass back and forth across my dick, and that was lit. I jizzed a little bit haha. Her father was from Cuba, and her mother was from Colombia, but now they all stay here in America. Lit! I've continued work on Infernight.
September 5, 2020: Eminem is all about 8 mile, the 2002 movie, but here I am with my 14 mile walk I did yesterday. Lol. I could have walked farther. I saw the apartment, and took a wrong turn. 8 miles. I then walked to the strip club and back (4 miles), and then I went to McDonalds and back (2 miles). Lol. I shoulda stayed 12 mile haha. That's funny.
A stigma schism: it's not a diss ability.
September 6, 2020: Well, there's nothing wrong with supposition so long as it provokes discussion rather than absolution in lunacy. I just sold .088 BTC, so now I have 3.43 BTC. I'm worth $42,500. 3.43*10300(bitcoin)+2500(bank)+1174(security deposit)+2550(tezos)+930(chainlink)+30(coinbase earn)+40(monero).
It was once said, there is nothing to fear but fear itself, and to that I purport, why fear fear?
Infernight notes:
Finished Infernight text background
Added clockwork spawning Essence
UI improvements
Optimizations
Lol, I remember that time in 3rd grade when Jacqueria Gunter told on me for not believing in god. It was after school, and I was trying to solve math challenges for candy. She made an "Oh" face, and immediately proceeded to say in her tattletale voice, "Ms. Carty, Joseph doesn't believe in god." She expected me to get in trouble. Ms. Carty said, "That's okay. Some people don't believe in god." Lol. I went to the bus shortly after that. I remember Camp Joy haha. The first time: I remember going in with my dufflebags, having no issues, seeing cute teenage girls and their asses, bed hopping betwixt top bunks, and then I had to shower. I was on the bottom bunk. My cabin leader, Ron, was a bald latino guy who was super chill. I reluctantly showered after like a 5 minute talk at my bunk. Ron was like, "I haven't had any problems with you up until now. Other kids, I've had all kinds of problems with em, but not you until now. Come on man." I didn't want to shower for some reason. I think it was my meds fucking with me. I relented and showered. I came out wet and said, "I'm going to kill my mom!" Then I shrugged like, "What?" I was being metaphorical haha, I meant I wanted to make her understand I didn't want to be there. Then I just chilled in my bed and slept. I remember Ron teaching me to heil Hitler with the hand motions, the accent, and everything. Lol. He told me not to do that in front of people because they'd get mad though. He made sure I understood that. He said it twice. Lol. I sat with the older peeps haha. I didn't sit with the kids. I sat and talked with the teenagers governing us lol, especially the girls. Not long after I got there, the only other white kid called some kid a "nigger" and he got beat up. He had to be drug out screaming at the Bible recitation. I never saw him after that. That same Bible recitation, I solidified my disbelief in god when she read a story from the Bible. I asked, "Where's the proof that all of this is true?" She replied, "Well, the Bible is proof. Jesus wrote the Bible." I saw circular logic, and I immediately knew I was surrounded by idiots. I didn't know what to do. It felt like real life Idiocracy from that point on. It still feels that way. I remember I skinned my knee when I was running for some challenge, and Ron put water and hydrogen peroxide on it. It bubbled up white with blood and foam, and he said, "Yeah, see that, that's bacteria." We had to do a song and dance, and I did the robot! It was lit, and we won first place for my robot performance haha. The teenage girls were falling all over the place for my robot dance yo. It was awesome! I asked him where shells came from near the end of the camp, and he said he thought it was calcium buildup. Lol. We had a WWE tournament with the beds and stuff. It was lit. I briefly partook, but I lost because the kid was way bigger than me. Smart folk I got to hang with. It was lit af. The other times weren't as lit. I remember going on the lake and stuff in a canoe, and going swimming, and going to the church, but the other times were more strict.
Aya, June 24, 2009 is the day Viv Lu (Vivian) kissed me with her tongue in my mouth! She was my only girlfriend. I miss her knocking on my door and being so excited to see me. I miss our mutual excitement. I love mutual happiness with a girlfriend. I long for that again.
September 7, 2020: I've set up my website and a video for Infernight. I wrote this comment on Newgrounds: "Homeless, stay a black mirror with no place to rest." If you bombard anyone with enough photons, eventually it emits a Tesla. Photons contain energy, and energy can be transformed into a magnetic field one way or another.
ESi es mi Chica Maga Oscura. Taylor es mi DragÃ³nita Alada de Roja.
September 8, 2020: My bed is 7.5 feet. My power rack stands are only 5.5 feet long. I just had sex with Taylor again. She sucked me, rode me, and then we had doggy style sex (first time ever for me). And then it was over, but I didn't come. She said, "Nothing?" and I was like, "Not nothing! I didn't finish though! I last a long time!" She smiled at me with her beautiful teeth and replied, "I know you'll go home and finish." We kissed each other a few times on the lips and cheeks, and we exchanged, "I love you" and "Te amo" a few times. Awesome! I think the best thing after sex is donuts. Krispy Kreme donuts and Burger King. You combine them: it's the Luther Burger, Joseph Cantrell edition. That double cheeseburger with bacon, fries, and buffalo sauce on it, all sandwiched between two Krispy Kreme donuts. That's my metaphor for my threesome! Lol, so now I've spent $1000 on sex with ESi and Taylor. I sent $400 to ESi and $600 to Taylor! Plus all the tips: $40, ~15, $20 + $20, $40! That's $1120 to ESi and Taylor, las fantasmas rosadas.
That's where they keep the gold: in the original shape with which every human is born and need repent to behold the holy gates bequeathed 'neath the eyes of god.
3GML44ZD3
Reservation Number: 836179262
Back to the past 2: future is present.
September 9, 2020: Folio means a sheet of parchment or paper.
September 11, 2020: I moved back into Inntown Suites lol. I have all my stuff and Breezy here. My landlord helped me move after Chotch and I got locked out. Lit. Infernight notes:
Added randomized sloped tunnels
Modified pause button color to white
Bug fixes
Optimizations
September 12, 2020: Infernight notes:
Added icons
<Retrospective> December 20-22, 2020: I took MDA. I saw my crowned rainbow torso and face rising through the wall as I lay down. I thought a lot. I took this 3-4 times per day 20-30 mg per day. I elaborated the turtles all the way down thing and the impossibility of enumerating infinity. I wished to know if I could use methylphenidate after trying it back in college and feeling dysphoria and no focal enhancement. I was wrong.
<amp quit day> December 31, 2020: I quit amp today.
<Retrospective> 2/15/2022: January 4, 2021: I got my driver's license and saw a ton of weird people and gangsters on my MARTA trip there. More is elaborated below in January 11. I tried to get MDMA from Taylor while leaving the club because my experience with using MDA to come off amphetamine was getting worse, but I couldn't get any from her nor anyone I asked by text or calling. Taylor happily led me to the door and her last words to me were, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" in response to my questions of, "Is this where you escort me out?" "Can you get MDMA?" "Can you get ketamine?" Normally I wouldn't have asked such things of anyone, but my insanity really was unexpectedly going off the rails. Such an MDA reaction appears to have been predicted by the Sally Hardesty Enright reference in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, but it was never publicly disclosed in prose until I did it myself. Would anyone else suffer the intense hallucinations as me? Is it unique to my ADHD and amphetamine addiction or only the latter? I recently added info about it to the PsychonautWiki reference for drug usage.
<amp quit day> (kinda) January 5, 2021: I relapsed and took like 5 mg of amp (plugged). This is the morning after I went to the DMV to get my driver's license, and I got incredibly paranoid on the way there. This continued all night.
January 11, 2021: I deleted everything above this line when I blacked out after quitting amphetamine again. I tried to use MDA to go off the amp, and everything seemed so normal until 5 days later when I was on the way to the DMV and I started to feel slightly paranoid on the way there. At some point, everyone on the train was a gang member and talking about topics like murder and pedophilia. This increased by a lot until I was concerned standing in line at the DMV because it felt like some overbearing force was coming down on me, and that everyone would soon come to kill me. There was a guy who looked like a homeless high as hell Bloods gang member sitting on a round stone outside giggling to himself. He was extremely out of place. A black lady officer did weird stuff with the line. An officer silently indicated about a bit of spilled water on the floor. I never got my license. I think the DMV is partially controlled by these people too.
I remember thinking I had to very, very slowly do my DMV signatures and stuff because if I didn't I would be killed. I got my paper driver's license, but I never found the real one. It was never sent to me, or my neighbor stole it. Someone was holding me back, whether it's the government or a gang.
Construction workers dropping pallets on my head and visions of armies of DMV workers stuffing me into a van's trunk and butchering me. On the walk back, I remember thinking a scaffolding would come down at any minute. I remember thinking some skyscraper had been erected as a monument to my imminent demise at the hands of a gang coordinating with the Tesla corporation. I thought they would hit me with a car and make it look like an accident, or they could drop something on me from above like an anvil (Looney Toons lol) or a concrete pallet or some shit.
I thought those pretty girls at the club had become transsexuals and were going to kill me too. While I was fucking Taylor, I was looking at her pussy lost in thought wondering if she was a transsexual, and she asked me, "Can you see it?" I don't remember how I responded. I walked back from the strip club turning over my shoulder every 30 seconds or so sometimes. It was hard not to think I was about to be attacked.
Damn son, I was delusional. I quit my amp again. I've quit it 4 times since Feb. This time I thought Kim Jong Un, Vlad Putin, and Trump were mind controlling me. I thought there was a microphone from the US Gov in my stomach. I thought Kim Jong Un had cameras and mind control devices in my eyes yo. Also I was under constant threat of death. Shadow midgets under my bed like Chucky, drive by shootings through my door, Ghostface in the shower. Alone in the pitch dark in the bathroom with my back against the bathtub wall, I was writing notes with a sharpie.
Breezy was afraid of me for some reason: he started acting scared by shaking and cowering, and I'm not sure why. I know he can sense things about me that I can't. Yo I was fucked for like a day. I actually cut my middle finger to prove I wasn't a Chinese bot. I then proceeded to post on reddit.com/r/ADHD, and tell everyone to do the same to prove they weren't a Chinese bot because I wanted the extermination of the hacked people. I deleted my all my subreddits one at a time and used a bot to delete all my posts. Then I deleted my account.
I was going to gouge my eyes out because I thought Kim Jong Un had implanted mind control devices and cameras in them. I decided to prove I wasn't a Chinese bot by cutting the other side of my elbow, then I drifted to my wrist, then my hand, and then I backtracked and decided to cut the middle of one of my fingers, then backtracked again and settled on cutting into my middle fingertip. I drew blood from my middle fingertip, like wtf. I still wasn't convinced I wasn't controlled by the U.S. government, the North Koreans, or the Russians until like 10 hours later or something.
I dragged Breezy outside by the collar because I thought I had to take him somewhere to be safe. I banged my laptop on the ground outside because I thought it was controlled by the American government. To cure my insanity, I thought I had to fuck my dog in the ass like that song, "I Wanna Fuck A Dog in the Ass", but luckily while making the preparations, I concluded that would not fix my broken mind. Jesus fucking Christ, I would have called out to Jesus if I believed in him. At some point I even lost my atheism and believed there to be an afterlife where people drifted from the Earth into the sun and lived forever in an alternate dimension that rested at the edge of this universe.
I thought that show The Office was telling me to kill myself and playing charades with me. They were telling me to kill myself in all kinds of ways, but the one that caught my mind was planking and suffocating myself on The Office. I also saw Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos come on, and thought it was a live taping of The Office. I thought South Park was live animation too. I thought the whole world was coming after me for the secret knowledge for human immortality. Basically, I thought they wanted me to recite a secret code and scream it to the world or they would kill me in a hail of gunfire through my door or something. I refused. I wrote shit down on my pillow in sharpie and tried to compare it to find out where the cameras and microphones in my room were. I was hearing, seeing, feeling, tasting, and smelling random shit my brain kept making up. I could smell the pungent odor of pussy in the air.
My brain was going to do anything to get me to kill myself or take my amp. I actually did end up taking my amp because I thought that was what "Big Brother" wanted me to do. I also blacked out and threw my amp across the room. I threw away my 3-MeO-PCP because I thought it was giving the Chinese power over my mind. I thought my food was poised by the Russians so I ate it slowly. I thought my water was poised by the Americans. I thought it was the final countdown, and everyone on Earth was dying or being transported to an alternate universe. I even listened to the song The Final Countdown by Europe thinking my life was counting down from a poison. Eventually, a couple hours before stabbing myself, I thought I was one of 500 people left alive on the entire planet. I thought I saw two cartoon characters, the blue and orange creatures on The Amazing World of Gumball on Cartoon Network, hang themselves, and I was convinced these governments were trying to make me kill myself and make it look like an accident. It was just my body withdrawing... For some reason, I had the equation X AE A-12 = IR2, and I had to solve that to know what to do. I ended up thinking I had solved it after like 2 hours, and at 6 a.m., I plugged a finger dab of MDA followed by a fingerdab of amphetamine. At 8 a.m., everything had mostly gone back to normal.
I need to be careful about doing amp sulphate. I was going to take Ritalin to try to elicit marginal improvements in my dopamine transporter which may be affected by the reverse transported induced by amphetamine. I've changed my mind. I can accomplish anything I need with amphetamine sulphate, mdma, 3-MeO-PCP, and weed.
Homie in China keeps stock of 3-MeO-PCP here in the U.S. to ship to people. What a fucking boss!
January 17, 2021: I'm still applying for jobs. I binged MDA for a couple weeks. I ate 2 grams in less than 3 weeks. I never fixed my paranoia with MDMA. I was dancing to music and yelling at the sprinkler camera the whole time I was on MDMA three years ago. I just snorted Concerta 5 mg, one half a T 174 pill, and I don't feel too great again. It absolutely killed my good mood from the MDA I did yesterday. I snorted it so my experiment wouldn't last as long. My stomach hurts again, and I feel pretty apathetic. I don't feel any sort of enhanced ability to focus. My mind doesn't feel like it's really moving too much nor am I able to type with much accuracy compared to amphetamine. I don't feel comfortable taking this in some way. It just doesn't feel right. My body is tight and aching (including my head), and my heart is racing a little in an uncomfortable way. I wanted to try it again while I had the methylphenidate, but I don't like how it makes me feel bad in a variety of ways. I won't receive any benefit from it; the case is closed.
About 25 minutes later, I'm still coming up, feeling stuck in place, looking around everywhere, looking at the ground, and feeling pretty demotivated. It's also difficult for me to type correctly. My head hurts, and I felt some sort of electrical shock in the back of my head (not unlike on 25I). Vasoconstriction sucks a lot here too. My toes, fingers, and arms are all constricting from reduced blood flow. I don't feel good or confident or anything. I feel overall worse. It's actually harder for me to pay attention now that most of my body is aching, especially the back of my head. I can use dissociatives to really feel good about myself.
About T+40 minutes later, I have some extra energy that makes it harder to control involuntary movement of my head, legs, arms, and fingers. I have random pains across my body, especially in the back and back right of my head. Again, I'm sure that I'm making negative progress in benefiting my ADHD. I only feel worse as I come up on methylphenidate. This methylphenidate experience isn't as bad as the one I got from Jack Martin when I was about to start medicating, but it's worse than the one's I had with Torrance.
T+1 hour later, all the energy I have is pretty drained. I'ma lay down now.
T+2 hours later, I'm feeling a lot better now that the methylphenidate is leaving my system. I'm less cold, blood flow is returning, headaches have mostly subsided, and I'm in a much more positive mood.
T+6 hours later, I can't really feel it anymore, and I've started to update my Linkedin and applied to 2 jobs.
T+8 hours later, I've applied to 8 jobs and I'm updating Infernight. Infernight notes:
Bug fix - player sprite is behind environment sprites
<amp day> January 19, 2021: Prophet Launcher notes:
Slightly buffed all abilities
MDA: 4.00 5ht2b, 3.60 Alpha2C, 3.12 Alpha2B, 2.74 Alpha2A, 2.41 5ht7, 2.38 5ht1a, 2.15 5ht2c;
MDMA: 4.00 Imidazoline1, 3.64 5ht2b, 3.26 Ca+Channel, 3.21 Alpha2C, 3.09 Alpha2B, 3.07 M3, 2.94 Alpha2A, 2.54 M5, 2.43 M4;
Things MDMA has that MDA does not: 4.00 Imidazoline1, 3.26 Ca+Channel, 3.07 M3, 2.54 M5, 2.43 M4;
Of those, amphetamine has these: Ca+ Channel inhibition. I think Ca+ Channel inhibition can calm me down since my body will freak out when it doesn't get the Ca+ Channel inhibition amphetamine affords.
<Bug Fix> Prophet Launcher Godot engine load failure fix: New project, copy old files (except project.godot), close engine, copy project.godot, launch engine
Prophet Launcher notes:
Weapons upgrade's info popup now reflects current damages, headshot damages, and fire rates
Other upgrades' popups are now more informative of current speed, recharge, etc.
Added glow indicator when abilities are charged
Miscellaneous UI improvements
Volume leveling
Balancing updates
I remember one time I blacked out in 2nd grade, and then I blacked in with my eyes closed, bouncing up and down in my chair, and humming the Christmas song Dashing Through the Snow as loudly as I could. Mrs. Tally was pissed. NHK means JSWA, Japan Social Withdrawal Association. I had 2 perfect games (5-0, 6-0) kills by myself (clutches) in 2 different matches on the first match in both games on MDA. Lol! That was about as epic as my 25I-NBOMe ~37 killstreak.
January 21, 2021: Prophet Launcher notes:
Improved ending animation
Bug fixes
Upon a review of my methylphenidate pain experienced a few days ago, I notice my brain's Wernicke's area/Broca's area (moreso location of Wernicke's area), somatosensory association area, and occipital lobe hurt. I took amp 5 times today, and I took 20 mg at 9:45. I just ate a bunch of food and saw my laptop bulge like a sphere in like a half foot radius of my field of vision (weird, so I played the song Delusionalisphere).
It looks like the calcium channels play a more important role than I realized. On the 7th day of Christmas, my true loves gave to me: Seven Swans a-Swimming, and all you Swans each with your nose so bright, have a holly jolly Sleigh tonight! The pieces of the puzzle keep adding and adding up, but can they ever paint the same picture drawn by the specific neurotransmission of induced by the combination of my speedily oscillating atoms? https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24911072/
January 25, 2021: Prophet Launcher 3D 1.1 notes:
Modified enemy spawn to a flaming pentagram
Added SMG weapon
Added flame, slow motion, speed, life, and jump height upgrades
Added player arm model
Added some map color theming - sun, sky, and snow
Added time of day cycle
Updated diction
Added Linux build
Optimizations - removed legacy files and code.
I need to inquire about salaries on the first interview. I need to ask this company, Itential, for $100k in salary. I won't go below 89k at all.
January 26, 2021: I'm going to figure out how methylphenidate would interact with my body with a limited availability of dopamine transporters.
January 29, 2021: A vulgar display of power: I couldn't sleep since I didn't take enough amp yesterday, so I just dropped 40 mg of amp and like 20 mg of 3-MeO-PCP at 4 AM. I don't think I should do 3-MeO-PCP anymore. I think I've used it as best I can. I think now it is burdening me more than it helps me. I know I shouldn't do 3-MeO-PCP with amphetamine. I think I should just quit 3-MeO-PCP. How can I hang out with Breezy and Taylor on 3-MeO-PCP as a bumbling buffoon? Nah, I think it's best to keep that box closed. It's too powerful. I used it to my advantage. I feel a pain in my lower right back strangely. I don't know why. I think 3-MeO-PCP addiction is catching up to me. The signs are all around. The visuals are more intense and linger longer and longer. I can't keep doing this.
January 30, 3021: I counted to 670 in my head today because I was bored. That beats my previous record of 600 when I was a kid standing on the edge of the porch counting as long as I could! I'm imminently quitting amp again. I'm never taking it more than 3 times per day on a schedule again. Also, I'm having MDMA and weed handy just in case.
February 3, 2021: I'm paranoid, and the government is definitely watching me right now as I make my mistakes with my amphetamine sulphate. They're watching me in Intown Suites at 1375 Northside Dr NW, Atlanta, GA 30318 and CoD MW. It's wild. I hear them murmuring to each other to see how I respond. They'll speak of violence and see how I react. Just now someone in Intown outside my room was talking about beating someone over the head like it's nothing.
The government poisoned me and laughed. My amphetamine and 3-MeO-PCP are likely both tainted. I have "DMT" I just got. It's probably tainted. My amphetamine isn't amp. I didn't piss amp on my piss test. One of my piss tests were possibly altered. My 3-MeO-PCP appears to be a mix of 3-MeO-PCP and an unknown adulterant. I'ma hang out with strippers for now. This is literally the worst day of my life, except maybe when I was jackhammered by quitting my meds. The government is still watching me very closely through Modern Warfare.
February 6, 2021: I'm still being watched by the government through Modern Warfare and outside my own fucking door. They're prying closer and closer, and it's annoying.
<amp quit day> <Retrospective> February 8, 2021: I quit amp this day, and I got some MDMA cut with meth from dark web gang bitches. I reordered MDMA from the UK.
February 10, 2021: I'ma keep hanging out with this Taylor girl. I like her! I'm done with all my previous girls. I'ma try to work things out with this girl Taylor, and I wanna make us happy! They took my hand towel on this day and kept screwing with me.
February 12, 2021: The InTown Suites mofos (Bloods gang) are reviewing the security footage right now. They fucked with my hand towel when I did laundry 8:30-9:45 PM February 10, 2021. They took my hand towel and put it back in that time frame. The government is also still watching me. I'm not going to play their games. I'ma live my life.
<Retrospective> 2/15/2022: February 16, 2021: This was the last day I saw the stripper Taylor. I walked from Intown Suites where I was holed up with all my stuff. After a couple minutes, her pussy got super tight and grasped my penis in a not so pleasant way, and she hurried away. I still wonder what happened there. This was also around the time my paranoia increased after taking a faulty piss test that didn't show my amphetamine usage. I still wonder the extent to which the government and gangs have been stalking and foiling me.
February 18, 2021: The last pack of "MDMA" I got was from some gang, and it was adulterated with something (it burned me slightly on the inside and didn't make me relaxed). It was a big black rock. It said "Kandy Kare Package" on the label, and it was in a black bedazzled ziplock bag. The seller sent me a note saying my shipment would be delayed. Everything added up to that being cut MDMA. I've now ordered MDMA from overseas. I'm going to use that instead. I'm going to keep hanging out with Taylor. I'm being watched closely through Uber, Amazon, and Intown Suites. My goal is to make Taylor my girlfriend somehow. She's taking a lot of my money, but she deserves that money because she's helpful to me.
February 20, 2021: I'm still being watched by lots of groups of people. I want to explore California with my friend Taylor.
February 21, 2021: I'm holding down the fort. I've ordered domestic MDMA and ketamine since my overseas order was canceled. Now dark.fail is down, and it's difficult to get trusted links to the White House Market right now. I'm observing for a bit. The government is still watching me through CoD.
February 22, 2021: I'ma ask to try Desoxyn next time I wanna fix my ADHD with health insurance. I wanna see how it benefits me. If I don't like it, I'ma stick with Evekeo. That's how I want to medicate myself next time. That has been the plan all along. I intended to inquire about Desoxyn once I found a good psychiatrist. I want what's best for me! I know Desoxyn will benefit me, but I'm not sure if I want to reap the benefits of methamphetamine's pharmacology because it will cost me just like amphetamine sulphate. I'll be the judge with a legitimate prescription and a girlfriend. I must not be swayed to fulfill this plan. For now, I'm going to use MDMA and ketamine until I have legitimate insurance and a good doctor.
Prophet Launcher 4.3 notes:
Added a DNA hourglass map titled Time Cellar
Added a dragon scales themed weapon paint - Scaled
Added an enemy prophet information section
Final boss artwork, boss health bars, and mobile on-screen joysticks are now affected by player map color choice
Simulated air friction on final boss projectile
Added option to show and change opacity of mid-game score statistics
Volume level is now increasable to 200%
Added verbosity
Balancing updates - Upgrading an ability now increases its effectiveness and decreases its time with each upgrade (rather than alternating them). Osama's kamikaze mode explosion no longer destroys bullets. Lowered the soul cost of walk speed and jump height upgrades by 20%. Reworked the weapon paint upgrade to support the new Scaled theme (it's now only two upgrades).
Optimizations and bug fixes
I still have that dollar bill I spilled blood on trying to go back into the hole at ZBT in 2017. I still remember the huge grin I had while blood rained from my nose onto the wooden round table at ZBT.
February 23, 2021: I've decided things aren't looking in my favor at the moment, so I should experiment as soon as possible. I've ordered 2 grams of crystal methamphetamine. It's 1:20 AM. I'm ready to begin my experiment. I'm going to use 5 mg and see where that takes me. I'm rewatching See Spot Run, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and Weekend at Bernie's. Psychoanalysis is an insane sister near your ass. Remember Just Another Day and The Epic Collab (There's No Sympathy For The Dead!) animations - they're somewhere.
February 26, 2021: Spanning corner to corner across my wall and ceiling emerged a rainbow Chinese dragon girl with a white face shaped like that of Komouri Dragon. She said, "You should take a break from here." I threw away all my dissos. I threw away like 18 grams of 3-MeO-PCP, a 950 mg of a gram of ketamine I just got, and like 190 whippets I just got. I don't like enslaving myself, and 3-MeO-PCP inspires me to better myself. I'm leaving 3-MeO-PCP because the changes I'm elucidating within are detrimental to moving forward. 3-MeO-PCP has given me the determination I need to move forward, and I will never forget it. I shall move forward with its love in my heart forevermore. I'll never forget the kind whispers nudging me in the right direction. My love for myself is eternal, and I love 3-MeO-PCP for making me a better Joseph Cantrell here today. 3-MeO-PCP will always be a part of me, so I can't say that it is gone forever, because it will always sing my name when I feel lost.
I'm going to throw away the crystal meth I ordered as I refuse to enslave myself to it. I'm going to take some MDMA and smoke some weed. I want to be left with MDMA and weed. I'm going to go see my girl Taylor and tell her I'm sticking with MDMA and weed for a while because I want to be myself without any addictions for a while. Also, I'm going to ask Taylor to hang out again!
February 27, 2021: I must move forward at all costs. I want to leave me addictions in the past for a while and try to focus on a girlfriend. I want to move forward with Taylor and begin a chapter in my life which I will truly appreciate. My goal was to remedy my ADHD without causing additional problems; I shall stick with that goal and reign supreme without fostering more addictions! I must use amphetamine and MDMA to treat my ADHD; I can be a solution to my problems and also be a shining light to that girl who made me feel special, Taylor. If she doesn't want to ever hang out with me, I can be a light to another girl in this world. My goal right now is to pull Taylor away from self destructive behaviors and forge a sustainable lifestyle together with her. I've made my choice: 666 (d+l amp, d+l MDMA, d+l MDA metabolized from MDMA).
March 2, 2021: I just tried meth. I snorted it twice Sunday and snorted it repeatedly every few hours as I stayed up all night Monday until I snorted a line at 7:30 p.m. I had been wondering about the existence of black acetylcholine visuals poking out a centimeter or two from the corners of my coat hanger rack for a good hour and smoking weed from my bong a little for a good hour, and they died down for a bit, so I snorted 45 mg. I got charged by a one meter tall black spinning wire monster shaped like the Interactive Buddy as I walked around my bed. I walked around my bed after doing that line, and I see him standing there with arms outstretched 45 degrees toward the ground, and then he raised his right arm and pointed it at me. This was in slow motion like my adrenaline was being impacted. He charged right through me, then I turned and watched him do a gay dance and fade smoothly into my backpack in the corner. This all happened in about three seconds. I actually picked up the backpack and looked behind it because it was so realistic, and I saw nothing. I then sat down and within a minute, I saw about 40 realistic black and very slightly rainbow black widow spiders charging me from all sides in waves for about an entire hour. At eye level while sitting down, each wave took about one or two seconds to reach me before they instantly reappeared back from the wall about four meters away. They were each about a half meter in diameter. I tried to focus on my computer because it really sucked as my cells were penetrated and annihilated by the unhampered dopamine efflux. I see bugs crawling all over in the carpet and faces swirling. I'm getting briefly touched on the back of my neck, on my leg, and all over my body.
Some of the hallucinations were probably my M1 muscarinic receptor being dogged by excessive dopamine output: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/5328973_Blockade_of_M1_muscarinic_acetylcholine_receptors_modulates_the_methamphetamine-induced_psychomotor_stimulant_effect
<amp quit day> March 3, 2021: 7:00 a.m. - I saw a 2D (but sometimes morphing in 3D ways) black entity in my carpet reminiscent of a cartoon 30's gangster I decided to call Mr. Homie. He had a suit, hat, and flat top sunglasses, and was about 20-25 cm tall. Mr. Homie had the power to paint 40+ variations of something onto my vision, and by that I mean he reacted to the things being painted, and he also reacted to me. He appeared to be some kind of cerebral cortex manifestation reacting to my normal prefrontal cortex thoughts as I walked around my apartment. I remember seeing a Salamence before it was butchered and transfigured into something homosexual and violent. The gay stuff was something like Meatwad from Aqua Teen shaking his ass in the intro of the last season of Aqua Teen, or it could be two shadow dudes/animals/monsters fucking. I hypothesize there are some connections in my brain that are opened by a lack of choline driven by the M1 receptor I mentioned, allowing the cerebral cortex to bring info from the hippocampus and place it into the ocular electrical feed before it arrives at the prefrontal cortex for analysis. There are definitely also some hormones involved with sex that are negatively affected. It could feed memories to Mr. Homie like hold up a cheeseburger to show me I should eat because my body was hungry. He would mock and cackle at me constantly, but when he held up the cheeseburger in his mouth he was a small grey dinosaur and I felt a brief sense of concern in myself and emanating from him.
I was very noticeably surprised and astonished by my hallucinations at every turn. Because of this surprising result, it looks like GABA neurons can become addicted to one's own dopamine supply, and it is known that GABA withdrawal can be deadly. Everywhere I looked, spiders and bugs were already there, and they were realistic 3D moving entities. These entities were up to a meter in diameter and were rapidly squirming on the ground like they were dying. Often times they were upside down dying spiders that would occasionally leap at me then fall back and die upside down again. They were formed of swirling grey lines and tentacles, some small enough to create a realistic entity while others were meter wide chaotic swirling lines. They were only on the ground, mostly formed out of my dog's hair, and they would leap at me and recoil sometimes. I could not hear them; lack of glutamate allows that auditory hallucinatory connection to come to my prefrontal cortex if I'm to believe my many dissociative experiments. Alternatively, perhaps severing some other connection makes it impossible to hallucinate many sound frequencies at all. When I got close to the hallucinations or when they jumped at me, they always faded out about 1/3 meters or less from my eyes. Mr. Homie was working to scare me because I fucked my my amp shit and fucked myself over with meth, but I can't be scared. Mr. Homie kept taunting me, laughing, and making gay shadow caricatures.
At one point for a period of about five minutes, I blacked out and started telling delusions of my best friends I had fucked up and tried meth. I blacked in and was surprised that nobody was there with me in my room. I was blacking in and out for about thirty minutes, and that brief period of about thirty minutes I was worried then that I would do something stupid like the people that act like rabid monkeys on the news.
These hallucinations lasted about 24 hours as the dopamine probably had no natural mechanism to be removed from its destructive, unnatural place in various acetylcholine and hormonal synapses. It took until about 7:00 a.m. the next day for the hallucinatory experience to be over. I actually felt mostly fine after the experiment, but that damage is definitely irreversible.
I'm never using meth again because it irked me from the moment I used it, just like Vyvanse. I don't like the excessive DA to NE ratio, nor the sigma 2 (shiny specs in vision like 3-MeO-PCE?) activation and the serotonin release. I snorted it over 5 days, and I stayed up 58 hours straight. I had a suppressed need to pee and didn't pee for a while longer than usual. When I peed, the smell was of putrid chemicals and lingered in my bathroom for a few days. The acetylcholine problem snuck up on me again like when I tried using MDA to fix immediate amphetamine withdrawal, but this time I wasn't plagued with suicidal thoughts, and the hallucinations were different. Dopamine overflows into serotonin, acetylcholine, and finally, adrenal receptors to try to safely displace the excess dopamine. Various other mechanisms like hormones for human growth and child bearing are likely affected too. If you continue to use meth after having a pissed off adrenaline reaction and accompanying hallucinations, I'm sure the hallucinations become gigantic and you die in slow motion.
<Retrospective> 1/15/22: Methamphetamine appeared to have NET properties since it burned me over my whole body like 4-HO-MET withdrawal and like experiences people describe from cocaine and crack. It lacks the necessary dopamine inhibiting function which amphetamine possesses, and I think this leads to the poisonous feeling even in small amounts. Perhaps eventually the excess dopamine flows into the dopamine inhibiting mechanism, providing a false sense of security like when the unnatural, dopaminergic acetylcholine action brings a false sense of calmness to the experience. Before I started visually hallucinating, the frequencies of sound I could hear were altered to make everything sound like it was coming from a tin drum. It doesn't appear suitable for use by anyone except knowledgeable folks in a warzone. I have more questions about the experience than answers.
3/7/22: I remember my teeth starting to feel dirty even though I brushed, flossed, and mouth washed them on my normal schedule of once per night. It's true you only need to clean your teeth once per night if your teeth are in good condition and you have a good diet. Meth's effects on the decay of teeth is by pharmacological action and not the inaction of its users. I keep going back to write more about the experience because there were a ton of negative effects.
5/8/22: At about 7 a.m. March 4 while I was locked out with Breezy, I had a stutter and couldn't talk correctly but kept talking to myself anyway.
7/18/22: I jacked off on a low dose (10 mg insufflated) before the cholinergic hallucinations, and I came in about ten seconds. It felt different in a good way. It felt like my dick was harder than usual. The erection felt better than the jacking off part. This is all probably because of the lack of an inhibitory mechanism for dopamine efflux. Overall, it wasn't very satisfying compared to amphetamine, and it was absolutely nothing compared to MDMA.
2/14/23: This is already well known about meth, but those disturbing visual hallucinations was meth's dopamine overflow forcing itself into the synapses of nearby neurons, thereby destroying a good many of them in the process. This can be seen in the common faces of meth photos.
A lot of the imagery looked like crumpling grey garbage on the ground. This is mentioned in a lot of things like Borderlands and Trailer Park Boys S6E3.
March 4, 2021: Kicked out of intown because I lost my shit after all that and threw a bag of shit randomly when I was blacking in and out and was locked outside for like 2 hours because I forgot to pay Intown (and they didn't tell me). Passed out, woke up to the cop and intown telling me I had to go. Slept outside with Breezy.
<Retrospective> 3/14/22: 7 a.m. - I added this to my PsychonautWiki trip report. I forgot to pay my motel bill that day while I was tripping, so I was locked out. I was blacking in and out while waiting for the office to open and walking my dog in circles for about two hours. My goal was not to do anything stupid like typical homeless man or Florida man. This time is about as hazy as my talks with the friends that weren't actually there, and I got pissed and paranoid so I threw a bag of dog shit sometime around the time of getting a key for my room. Then I woke up in my bed to the motel employees banging on my door explaining I had to leave.
<Retrospective> March 5, 2021: I checked into ESA, another extended stay.
March 7, 2021: I moved into Extended Stay America with Breezy. I'm working on storing my stuff in storage. I rented a 12' Penske truck from Home Depot, and I've been driving my stuff around.
March 8, 2021: I applied for another job today. I need to return my Penske truck tomorrow. I'm getting 20 more grams of 3-MeO-PCP, and this time I won't delude myself into throwing it all away when I'm delusional from trying to get away from amphetamines. I took some left on my scale today, and it instantly flipped my mood today; I moved all my stuff from my truck to storage no problem.
March 9, 2021: I fixed a bunch of stuff on my website and updated my resume. Caffeine works for me as long as I use MDMA to rectify my withdrawals. 3-MeO-PCP still works great for me too. I've submitted 17 job applications, and I turned down a job during my initial interview when I discovered it wouldn't involve coding (while the job description mentioned using Java).
March 10, 2021: I applied to 6 jobs today.
March 11, 2021: I took what's left on my scales today. Meth, MDMA, ketamine, and 3-MeO-PCP. Damn son. I regret the meth lol. I'm getting some amp withdrawals again, but doing exercises with two 25 pound weights, I'm getting good results. I ate a ton of food today. I've eaten like 3500 calories in chocolate and like 5000 more in spaghetti.
March 14, 2021: I've taken 30-40 mg of MDMA 10 times in the past 2 days lol. Damn son. Now I'm listening to Meaning of Life by Disturbed, GIVE N DESIGN son, and here's my Infernight notes:
Improved Essence collection animation
March 18, 2021: It's going on 5 days since I last took 30-40 mg of MDMA every 3-4 hours. Prophet Launcher 3D update 1.2 notes:
New dark map lit only with burning inverted crosses
Added two more enemy spawns for more complex gameplay: 3 total spawns
Added realistic water: https://github.com/godot-extended-libraries/godot-realistic-water
Added sounds: player hit (recorded) and player death (Wilhelm)
Volume leveling
Added upgrade progress bars
Engine upgrade from Godot 3.2.3 to Godot 3.3
Bug fixes
March 23, 2021: I tipped my scales out on my table and snorted the rest, and I licked the scale again. I got a little bit of meth. On one hand, I went to Walmart and did lots of really powerful explosive pushups and body squats with two 25 pound weights. On the other hand, I don't quite feel right.
March 25, 2021: I went to sleep last night at 4 a.m. tripping a little, seeing people around me, sometimes standing there and sometimes coming at me. I heard my phone ring, but it wasn't ringing, and I heard voices talking at me, but nobody else is here. Now, I saw a bug run around the corner of my fridge, and then I looked at my flip flop, and it was there too. The acetylcholine problem is happening again.
March 29, 2021: I had an interview call with T-Mobile just now, and I had to mute the phone and puke four times into the toilet while Nicole was telling me about the interview process. Then I wrapped up the call over the next 15 minutes like nothing happened. It was because I drank caffeine. It made me super nauseous as it kicked in today. THe withdrawals are coming in... I need MDMA to allow caffeine without withdrawals, MDA won't work. I snorted about 5 mg MDA, all I had, yesterday.
April 2, 2021: I finished binge watching Home Movies. Finally, I pieced that thing together. I still don't get all the meth and mushroom jokes, but fuck it, I don't care. They don't matter to me. I'm trying to find a girlfriend and hang out. Sometimes.
April 6, 2021: I'm still being watched by people at ESA. They're fucking with me. I'm paranoid. I need to settle down and hang out for a while. I'm blaming everything on my alarms. I just got some MDMA and LSD. Lit.
April 10, 2021: I'm still interviewing with T-Mobile. So, I'm going to get a job, then try to work things out with Taylor at the strip club. If not, I'ma look for a girlfriend elsewhere (college girls abound, and international students are a good target). In any case, I don't need a girlfriend. I've claimed my sanity by slamming down amphetamines for a while. It's time for a break, and I'm already over a month in, but it's kinda like 2 weeks because I did a little bit of amphetamine again when I was tipping my scales. I'm 17 days abstinent from amphetamine since tipping the scales and consuming tiny amounts of amp, meth, MDMA, and MDA. I'm no longer snorting 3-MeO-PCP because it cuts my nose and diverts resources from my body.
April 12, 2021: In retrospect, on MDA three months back, one of my lingering questions is how my neuronal firing rate changes over time. The first derivative with respect to time is negative, indicating my neurons are firing more slowly. I know the second derivative is positive, indicating my neurons are firing slower and slower (like acceleration). The third derivative, the jerk, of my neuronal firing rate is still in contest.
<Retrospective> 3/4/22: It's hard to analyze the jerk of my neural firing rate since amphetamine trains them to change the accelerating deterioration yet quitting amphetamine will also change the value of this jerk to oscillate, creating a fourth derivative, which modifies the jerk jerking around my accelerating and decelerating neural firing rate. There doesn't have to be a fifth derivative, and creating new names for the derivatives takes away their inherent numerical meaning, making for jerk names. I remember being so nauseous from quitting amphetamine I had to puke mid phone interview, and now I'm awaiting similar results. I get nauseous sometimes, but not quite as much as last year..
April 16, 2021: I've applied to 4 jobs today.
April 17, 2021: Prophet Launcher 4.31 notes:
Volume leveling updates
Updated the game engine from Godot 3.2.3 to Godot 3.3
Reduced file size by ~40% without increasing VRAM usage by optimizing some boss and ending animations
Balancing updates
April 18, 2021: I am addicted to 3-MeO-PCP. I'm going to throw it away. I cannot justify this addiction any longer. I wrote that down just now. That's fine. I'm not throwing away 3-MeO-PCP because it's the best dissociative. Other dissociatives pale in reference. It's not going to get any better given its pharmacology. I'll use 3-MeO-PCP when I want to get what I want. 3-MeO-PCP will not let me down in these times of the amphetamine threshold.
I'm going to reduce my usage of 3-MeO-PCP for a little bit. I'm going to stop chasing the hole. 3-MeO-PCP is my tool to use to get through my amphetamine addiction. It's a great way to accomplish my tasks. However, I've been a bit too reckless lately. I'm going to take a break from 3-MeO-PCP for a little bit. I'm going to stick to LSD for a few days.
I'm going to throw away my 3-MeO-PCP and abstain from dissociatives for a long time.
I've thrown away my 3-MeO-PCP. I'm never ordering any more ever again. I don't want to use dissociatives to get what I want because it's a self fulfilling prophecy. I know that if I'm ever depressed, I can use dissociatives to fix that. However, I'm not depressed. I'm addicted to dissociating. I'm going to stop dissociating for the foreseeable future. I can't let 3-MeO-PCP ruin my bladder and kidneys. I can't let 3-MeO-PCP take over my life. I'm quitting it forever. I don't have to take 3-MeO-PCP. It was great, and I'll cherish it forever, but I'm finished with it.
I dreamed about getting more 3-MeO-PCP. I didn't do anything for the 8 hours after I threw away my 3-MeO-PCP. I heard voices in my head and saw a rainbow Lois from Family Guy spinning into my mind's eye with a wicked grin. She told me in a sadistic voice, "Yes, I want you to throw away the 3-MeO-PCP forever!" As she spun into my mind's eye like the twist effect from Paint.NET, I felt painful imploding pressure in my forehead, and I felt a repeating stabbing pain in the right side of my stomach again (my kidneys?). As I lay in bed, it felt like I was stuck in my past, being berated by myself over and over again. I dreamed about tipping over my scale to get more 3-MeO-PCP. I told myself to quit 3-MeO-PCP before, but I didn't listen to myself. 3-MeO-PCP is preventing my back from healing. Breezy sits and lays facing my desk's drugs cabinet to tell me to do more 3-MeO-PCP. He wiggles (shakes) his head when my 3-MeO-PCP craving begins to take hold. I needed to insufflate at least 25 mg of 3-MeO-PCP to remove my craving, but I kept chasing a hole no matter how much I took. I couldn't feel Breezy on my skin when I pet him, but I got the happy neurotransmitters (oxytocin?) released when I pet him. Today when I woke up, I can feel Breezy on my hands again.
I just took some LSD. Not long after waking up again today, Breezy did the same routine telling me to do more 3-MeO-PCP today. I can't deny the addictive properties of 3-MeO-PCP, even though it is one of the least addictive dissos I've done. I can now say I feel better without 3-MeO-PCP. I'm surprised I've been able to keep such a decent track record with it, but I should have stopped using it back in January 2020 after the bladder and kidneys pain, which occurred after hallucinating nudging voices and rainbow entities at night in December 2020. I would also wake up still tripping balls. I've been using over 100 mg of 3-MeO-PCP every day. I used about 2 grams of it in these 3 weeks. I snorted 60 mg in a five minute span a few days ago, and I got way too high again. I did some after using MDMA, and I didn't feel so good; I was too stimulated, and I could barely eat. I always stutter my words when I try to string long sentences, and I have to ask people to repeat stuff a lot. I could hear Samuel Jackson saying that speech, "What ain't no country I ever heard of." I still have strong cravings for more 3-MeO-PCP, but I've definitively rationalized my abstinence. It's been 3.5 motherfucking years! At 9 a.m. I must take out Breezy.
April 19, 2021: I dreamed about getting more 3-MeO-PCP. I dreamed I was watching basketball, and some dude was juking people on a bike. He scored three points in a row, and then I woke up. I snorted a little 3-MeO-PCP, and my head hurts again. I still have voices of women (Lois, anime girls) in my head telling me not to do more 3-MeO-PCP. I'm also pretty itchy for 3-MeO-PCP. 3-MeO-PCP makes me lost in my past, thinking about my recent mistakes. It's changed. I keep throwing it away because I want to do that.
April 20, 2021: I dreamed I tipped over my scales and dumped out like 30 mg of 3-MeO-PCP in three big rocks to snort. I'm so itchy all over for 3-MeO-PCP. I felt a really strong itch on my finger just now. I feel lots of itches on my back like when I was doing a lot of DCK. I don't regret doing 3-MeO-PCP, but it's getting harder to deny my addiction. I've found it very easy to use 3-MeO-PCP, and I've used like 40 grams of it since I discovered it 3.5 years. The sigma-1 stimulant effects definitely counteract a lot of the negatives of the NMDA dissociative effects.
April 22, 2021: I just took some MDMA. I still have strong cravings for 3-MeO-PCP. I dreamed about getting more 3-MeO-PCP again.
April 23, 2021: I'm buying 5 grams more 3-MeO-PCP. I've decided not to give up on it. 9374869903506687751786
I've resolved to never throw away my 3-MeO-PCP ever again. I love it too much. Maybe if I got a girlfriend, but what's wrong with recreation? I'm already stuck taking amphetamine and dealing with my ADHD forever.
April 25, 2021: I've applied to 8 jobs.
April 26, 2021: I took 2 hits of acid today. I've taken 14 hits of acid in the last 20 days. I remember there was this one time back in 2017 when Jordan Shartar gave
Sparky, the cute rescue dog, a small amount of 2C-E he didn't measure. Sparky was having a blast with his tongue hanging out. It also induced a repetitive head twitch response where his head would jerk to the right and back every 2 seconds. I'm downloading a Switch emulator. I'm going to play the Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Blue Rescue Team remake! Prophet Launcher 3D notes:
An enemy spawn limit
More symmetrical cross locations in Abysseer
Bug fixes
April 27, 2021: I just took 3 hits of acid. This is my 5th day in a row taking LSD!
April 29, 2021: I took 50 mg, 40 mg, and 45 mg of MDMA at 4 hour intervals. I also took 50 more mg. I worked on Prophet Launcher and watched a Trailer Park Boys movie (Countdown to Liquor Day). Music is nice. I did laundry.
May 1, 2021: I applied to a job today. I also applied for one two days ago. Jobs:
Orchard
May 3, 2021: I must always take MDMA to offset my amphetamine withdrawal. MDA isn't enough, so my body's neurons still waver where they can, including my acetylcholine pathways. I applied to a job today: Cox Automotive, right next to Verizon Connect's old office.
May 12, 2021: I just ate 4 more tabs of acid. I only have 32.5 tabs left. I've applied to NCR again today, and I've applied to 12 jobs total.
May 21, 2021: Untrumpable notes:
Godot engine version update to 3.3
30% file size reduction
Bug fixes
May 27, 2021: I'm getting 4-AcO-DMT and 4-HO-MiPT. I hope I like those chems in lieu of LSD. I wonder if 4-AcO-DMT is like shrooms. I'll find out in time. I'm not going to purchase 2-FMA. I don't need to start releasing neurotransmitters and stuff. The thing is, 2-FMA might not be like amphetamine at all. It could be closer to meth or cocaine, and everyone on the internet could be lying. I'm going to try it for myself and see if I get any work done on my personal projects and stuff. I'll know if it's a good amphetamine or not. Meth sucked. I don't want a repeat of that. I want a natural feeling of alertness. I shouldn't have to suffer for a year if I want to quit my meds. I should be able to change to a different medication if it works well. Then I don't have to rely on the wicked serotonin release from drugs like MDMA. I don't know much about 2-FMA, but it could be a good idea. If I don't have a hangover the next day, I'll call it a success. I'm not going to try 2-FMA right now. I don't want to do that. I'm not going to order 2-FMA. I don't want to restart this cycle again.
I changed my mind. I'm going to try to use 2-FMA to manage an efflux of neurotransmitters. I don't like suffering like this. I constantly long for that which I don't have. I want to try to make myself happy! I really want more 3-MeO-PCP. I'm gasping for breath. I'm hearing a choir in my head singing different songs (normal), my chest is tight, and I'm hallucinating a lot of bright lights in my periphery. I must stop this at once. Yesterday I walked around my apartment for about a minute with my eyes closed, but I could see everything clearly as if my eyes were open. However, I opened my eyes and the illusions disappeared whilst I was left wandering around in the dark, mystified. I could take a snapshot of the environment, spin around, and then open my eyes and the illusive world of my dissociated apartment would become my real apartment. I've abused dissociatives too much. It's the truth. I'm going to start losing my mind more and more. The blackouts will become longer. I must stop this at once.
It's been 15 minutes or something now. It's still hard to catch my breath. I really want 3-MeO-PCP. I just have to abstain now and I'll be fine.
I just smoked a bowl of weed, and I'm still really craving 3-MeO-PCP... However, it is still easy to walk away from 3-MeO-PCP.
May 28, 2021: I'm not an organ donor. You can all burn in hell. I'm still paranoid they're trying to take me down, but whatever, I'm going to try these chems. 3-MeO-PCP still has me catching my breath. I'm also laughing my ass off though. It is easy to walk away from dissos (except that it feels like I'm not getting air, possibly like what people experienced from abuse of nitrous oxide, NO2). That's a shame, because I am really enjoying 3-MeO-PCP. I wonder if the same thing would happen if I abused another disso, or if it's exclusive to my addiction to 3-MeO-PCP. Well, it's either due to my abuse of one specific disso or all of them, but I'm not too sure. Either way, they're not harmful (if used in moderation like all things, but they're way less harmful than most things that are addictive, which is why they're good at getting rid of addictions). All dissos will screw me up if I use them all the time. 3-MeO-PCP could elucidate harmful effects of dissos more quickly than most other dissos while covering up some of the problems through its other mechanisms like sigma-1 antagonism (and may SRI action?). Either way, I never wanted to live my life on SRI drugs anyway. I can't deny that I can at least no longer use 3-MeO-PCP anymore. I'd be willing to try regular PCP if it was in the pure dust form. 3-HO-PCP isn't going to do me any good in getting a job, but I could probably use 2-FMA (sparingly at first to test its hangover propensity with me; I don't want another meth hangover lol). I might be able to use this tool in tandem with amphetamine to keep making art and enhancing my ego. However, I don't intend to use them at the same time. Using 2-FMA for a bit and then quitting it with MDMA could be a great idea. I'm going to test the waters with 2-FMA. I'm still waiting on my 4-AcO-DMT and 4-HO-MiPT. I'm also still waiting on my 2-FMA tracking number. I'm still laughing my ass off because I'm getting hungry because I don't really care to eat since I can get high from 3-MeO-PCP by not eating. Lol. I am pretty addicted to 3-MeO-PCP. It's super badass. I'ma not get anymore because I don't want to have this addiction problem. People are watching me inside this motel as well as its surroundings. Just a couple days ago, some Mexican looking mofo walks through the woods up to but not approaching the sidewalk. This was done all to screw with me. I hate that fucking shit. Whatever. People screw with me all the time in this motel. I hate that shit too. Again, I'm highly suspicious my god damn computer is being watched by the U.S. government. Whatever. People are banging on the walls to make me paranoid. The government might be watching my internet history, not just by records, but in real time here in this hotel. I'm also still not convinced COVID isn't some mechanism of biological warfare, and I'm still not convinced COVID won't mutate again. Oh. COVID probably isn't the result of biological warfare then, unless it's by some sort of naive dictatorship. I think White House Market will exit scam at some point soon. I only have $13 or so in there anyway. It's not even worth stressing over. I'll get more MDMA when I want. I'm also still itchy for more 3-MeO-PCP.
May 29, 2021: I got my 2-FMA tracking number.
June 1, 2021: It's dry as a mothafucka from tongue to fingertips. My hair is dry, and I can't rub my hands together. I need to mimick amphetamine's action in my body to alleviate this. I have a slight itch for 3-MeO-PCP, and I briefly marathon watched The Boondocks and Coco by OT Genasis. I'm on some LSD. Goad is dead is my version of Richard Dawkins' book.
<Retrospective> 12/22/2022 5:09 p.m. - I remember MDMA gave me a few days of dryness relief. I could feel the water flowing back into my cells. LSD gave a slight relief but not all the way. That was a problem with my amphetamine withdrawal. Like my caffeine induced nausea, t was dependent on my overall level of oscillation.
June 3, 2021: I remember there was this time back in March 2018 I plugged 80 mg of 3-MeO-PCP in one go. It was like there were thunderstorms around me as I paced around my room querying my demise. I also once accidentally insufflated 90 mg of 3-MeO-PCP at once and blacked out in my bed for a bit watching rainbow strands of light in my mind's eye.
June 5, 2021: 5:00 p.m. - I just insufflated 5-6 mg of 2-FMA. I plan to use it to get work done, remove the dryness I experience all over, and improve my mood (by releasing neurotransmitters to combat ADHD and mimicking amphetamine to combat its withdrawal).
5:15 - I've insufflated 4-5 more mg for a total of 10 mg 2-FMA. I feel the moisture returning to my skin, and I've begun cooking on the stovetop. Typing feels effortless, and I don't make as many mistakes as normal. I think I'm going to continue treating my ADHD with 2-FMA until I decide to take amphetamine sulphate again. This feels like a good amphetamine replacement, but it's still unwise to quit amphetamine sulphate (and 2-FMA for that matter) without MDMA.
7:55 - Vasoconstriction and elevated body temperature are apparent. I'm doing my laundry across the street because this facility's laundry is broken.
9:50 - I'm coming down now. I tried jacking off again, but it wasn't as good so I'm not continuing right now. I'm going to dose more 2-FMA since I've only been up 8 hours today.
9:57 - I eat ~15 mg of 2-FMA.
10:09 - 15 mg is still too much 2-FMA right now. I'm going to start tomorrow by eating 6-7 mg.
June 7, 2021: I took a lot of 2-FMA. I've been up for 40 hours now. I jacked off 8 times, and on the seventh time, I didn't cum for 5 hours! I feel stronger on 2-FMA than on amphetamine. I can definitely move my body with less effort and do higher explosive pushups. This drug also might be a sigma-1 agonist like meth and 3-MeO-PCP, giving it a slight weightlifting boost; I know 3-MeO-PCP doesn't help me lift weights with NMDA and SERT activity. 2-FMA makes looking in the mirror at myself awesome. It makes looking into girls' eyes in porn so euphoric. I've never felt so good from looking into a woman's eyes, and they say meth is the best lolll.
11:57 - I've cum 9 times in the past 52 hours.
June 8, 2021: I've been up since 5 p.m. June 5, 2021. It's 10 p.m. I hear the Case Closed fat kid talking and explaining something. I simultaneously hear Granddad complaining from The Boondocks the Noah-II siren. I hear, "You can win this." I can see rainbow graph lines in my field of vision. 5 minutes later, I saw a flash of light evaporate a rectangle in the corners of my vision. I hear a underwater siren sound just like when I took 3 tabs LSD and multiple 20-30 mg doses of 3-MeO-PCP. I'm high on 3-MeO-PCP because I'm a little hungry. I hear random guitar notes and "white power" chanted over and over. 40 minutes later, I hear television static out of my left ear.
Insufflated, one isomer of 2-FMA goes away after 1.5 hours, and the other in 3.5 hours. I should be able to dose oral 2-FMA for 6-7 hours of productivity, followed by a second equivalent dosage in the afternoon. I did enough 2-FMA to trip balls on glutamate by NE overflow. I saw writing appear on the wall. "Thirsty" kept appearing on the wall more than any other word. Sometimes it was gibberish, and sometimes it told me helpful things. I drank water, but I hadn't eaten enough food or drunk enough water, so my tongue felt burned all over and hurt to the touch. I saw shadow people in the corners, so I went up to a fat white samurai guy formed from my clothes hanger area, and I punched right through it. I was standing watching porn on TV, and at the height of the experience, a rainbow person taller than me with blank white face materialized right next to me, brushing up against my right side. Startled, I exclaimed a roar which was about the normal volume of a TV and waved my hand through this entity for it to disappear into thin air.
June 10, 2021: I went to sleep at 6 in the morning and woke up at 1 p.m. I got 7 hours of sleep for the 99 hours I was awake. I'm in debt to sleep by 25 hours if I needed 32 hours over 24 hours. The euphoria I get from looking into girls' eyes has now faded after 4 days. I was staring into women's eyes in porn on my TV when I wasn't jacking off for an hour at a time. Jacking off on 2-FMA was amazing. I like taking time to revel. I'm reveling right now. I'm going to complete my Microsoft. I might start talking into my phone, "I'm going to cut you off" and then put up my phone. My left leg hurts a lot as I lay down in bed, because I stood up in front of my mirror watching The Boondocks and Idiocracy on my TV. I've been standing up most of these past 5 days. Lol I said fuck you to Teja not long ago. I'm pretty sure I forgot. I'm not sure because I thought she was sending people from Verizon to come kill me when I woke up and quit. Some crazy lady named Britney called the cops on me. She randomly looked out the window and screamed with wide eyes, "Fuck you." So I said, "Fuck you." The cop and her were beating around the bush with me for a second, so I asked to leave and left. I ended up going to the strip club later that day.
June 11, 2021: I feel a lot better now that I have more sleep. I slept 9 hours. I'm going to cease using 2-FMA forever soon. I don't actually like using it.
7:40 - I did a sixty minute Microsoft interview 3 hours into my 30 mg of 2-FMA. I just took 30 more mg.
June 12, 2021: I'm thinking about getting more amphetamine, but I'm going to remain steadfast and try getting away for a bit so I can finish fixing my back with DMT and such. It's been 101 days since I quit amphetamine, and I've been counting every so often.
June 13, 2021: I've been working on Endless Custom Shooter, a lite version of Prophet Launcher focused on customization. Mysql table: CREATE TABLE scoresECS (name VARCHAR(20), score int(11)); I basically finished Endless Custom Shooter in 12 hours using three 30 mg doses of 2-FMA.
Prophet Launcher v4.4 notes:
Created Fuchsiakura, the first female anime character skin
Changed my animation pipeline to use Inkscape and Godot instead of Adobe Illustrator and Animate due to Adobe's glitches. I reanimated all my skins to use this new system.
Added the top 25 scores to my website: https://josephcantrell.org/games/prophet-launcher.php#leaderboards
Added fullscreen/windowed toggle
Added a reset button for returning all customizations to default
Zeroed the Velocity of some enemy defeat explosions (finally)
Added a title screen fade animation
Custom prophets and backgrounds are now stored across sessions in the application's data
Improved RGB color picker theme
Balancing updates
Bug fixes like game crashing on new bg color theme upgrade
Engine update to 3.3.4
Endless Custom Shooter 1.0 notes:
Initial release
Infernight 1.6 notes:
Added Essence collection sound
Added master volume, render resolution, and UI opacity options
Reduced application size
Engine update to Godot 3.3.2
Bug fix
I'm going to introduce crouching in Prophet Launcher 3D, then I'm going to clone it, and work on a survival horror fps.
June 15, 2021: Print name of Godot node/object from script: print(str(collision.name.replace("@", "").replace(str(int(collision.name)), "")))
June 21, 2021: I've been making this horror game since I finished Endless Custom Shooter on June 13. I've done so much work on 2-FMA. The spoon withers away in my hand as I eat (metaphorically). I stood in front of the mirror watching The Boondocks a lot. I stopped listening to music, and I started watching the first three seasons of The Boondocks every day while I worked.
June 24, 2021: When someone gets on my nerves, and I have the opportunity (like at work), I'ma pull a Charlie's mom and loudly say, "I have to take a shit." Then I'ma go to the bathroom. I took 28 mg 4-HO-MiPT last night, and I had nice visuals while I lay down and watch TV. I was comfortably sedated, with some stimulation keeping me a little tense as I lay down for the first hour. This stimulation disappeared quickly and left me drifting off to sleep. Now I'm taking 36 mg 4-AcO-DMT.
T+2 hours: I don't like 4-AcO-DMT, just like shrooms. Fuck 4-AcO-DMT. I still accept it and embrace it just like other aspects of myself. For T+1:30 to T+3:00, I was intermittently crying. I remember sitting in my office chair and choking out tears for the words, "I want to be myself without amphetamines." I lay in my bed around this time and watched rainbow faceless entities like Zoa from Yugioh creeping toward me.
T+3 hours: I watched The Boondocks and laughed to myself with my eyes closed. The rest of the trip was very jolly, but that one hour during the peak entirely threw me off of the drug. I also had some uncomfortable nausea during that time wherein I contemplated puking. I remember laughing to myself, "HE GONE!" like Uncle Ruckus (in relation to amphetamine being gone rather than Thugnificent).
<Retrospective> 2/2/2022: I started marathon watching Forensic Files at this time in my life. It felt like the TV watching and working aspects of 2-FMA stayed with me even after only those couple weeks. I had a blast lying in bed watching Forensic Files all day and continuing work on For My Aspect. I was so engrossed into the show. I'll have to try 2-FMA again.
June 25, 2021: Endless Custom Shooter 1.02:
Added fullscreen option
Bug fix - hide initial options screen
June 26, 2021: I took 42 mg 4-HO-MiPT. I just took a shower, made some pizza rolls, and did 30 curls with 50 pounds (I normally do 20-25 and I'm exhausted, but I feel very energetic with this chem!).
June 29, 2021: Acquire .42 XMR to buy 10 grams amphetamine sulphate and 5 grams MDMA.
July 4, 2021: Cambria Math and Gordiola are good fonts. I just made my title screen on 4-HO-MiPT.
July 8, 2021: 4-HO-MiPT makes me really hungry. I love going and getting a three piece mixed meal at Publix, grabbing muffins from the hotel, eating cereal, etc. I can also sleep very easily on it.
July 15, 2021: I've been taking 4-HO-MiPT 2-3 times per day for a while now. I've been waking up at 12 AM - 3 AM for a bit now too. I dreamed I was in my mom's house with Bruce, and then I saw a nuclear bomb go off over by Seneca to the west of my house. It towered above the trees and swirled, and Bruce dipped back inside with me. I asked, "Where do we go?" as we went downstairs. He said, "As far as we can get."
July 18, 2021: I think 4-HO-MiPT is addictive. I have a slight comedown and I've been scratching after like an hour and a half after eating it (after climax). I'm about to eat some MDMA. I took 160 mg of MDMA at 6:13 a.m.
July 19, 2021: I smoked 55 mg of some ~30% potency DMT 6 hours after 200 mg MDMA. I saw a purple-blue toroid inscribed with gibberish symbols in my ceiling.
July 20, 2021: I jacked off for 5 hours today on 220 mg MDMA.
July 21, 2021: I'm watching King of the Hill. Two months ago, I started taking a break from 3-MeO-PCP. After 3.5 years of heavy use, I've been doing the gasping for breath dance move in that Panda song: https://youtu.be/E5ONTXHS2mM?t=179.
July 22, 2021: I smoked DMT 6 hours after bombing 220 mg of MDMA. I was launched toward breaking through into a white void, and I surged into a shining white tunnel enveloping about 80% of my open eyed vision, and at the end of that prickly star-shaped white tunnel in the far right corner of that white light was a prickly star-shaped shining pink light more pink than any pink I've ever seen.
July 24, 2021: I'm definitely addicted to MDMA and MDA now. I'm having irritation from taking a day off today. I've been taking it since July 19. Now I'm on 38 mg 4-HO-MiPT. Coming up at 30 minutes, I felt jolts of electricity going down my temples. I closed my eyes and in silence fucked a rainbow girl until I came into two pretty rainbow girls on their knees with stars and hearts popping out of their eyes. 4-HO-MiPT makes me feel very powerful, and I try to be eloquent, and I find myself feeling exceptional but unable to express myself and simultaneously feel such extravagance.
August 1, 2021: Work on F.M.A. is almost done. I've expanded the story from 25-30 minutes to 45-55 minutes.
August 3, 2021: Piano (unfinished): zb bv (xh?) What if a woman was walked in on like that? Someone carded into my room, and I said, "AY WHAT THE FUCK YOU WON'T?" I received no response, and I had porn blasting with my dick in my hand while I was in my bed. The person stood there for about five seconds, then closed the door. There was not a word said. It was blatantly a bad move.
<amp day> August 24, 2021: I finished, exported, and published For My Aspect (F.M.A.) today.
August 28, 2021: I do believe most of ESA is in this gang. The black staff here appear to be affiliated. This girl Mercedes, this fat lady, this fat janitor guy with glasses, and this tall black dude with a short haircut and a name that starts with M. He even mentioned throwing people under the bus (suspiciously in tone and expression) and I had him repeat it because my brain filtered it the first time. I do believe he knows this gang, which is probably the massive Bloods conglomerate that has been making friendships and absorbing other gangs, has bumped me with their cars twice now. The first was a skinny black lady with light brown skin who smiled and gassed it at me, bumping my pedestrian self with my hands on her hood, then sped away. The other was a fat black guy with circular glasses who was trying to keep a straight face during the incident. He succeeded, but I could tell he was trying to have no reaction. This disgusts me. They had me go do laundry in the other building so they could send like 50 gang members to be running all around trying to look intimidating. I had my hand on my pocket knife while I was carrying my laundry, and I watched them encircling me and smiling while playing their stupid game. Another time, a black guy followed me while taking my dog back inside. He was talking on the phone and said, "I think I'm about to get a dog." I had my hand on my pocket knife again. He dropped off following me. The fat black lady who works here asked me if there were a lot of people when I went to Walmart. By her expression I'm certain she is in on the gang and knows about the laundry incident. All of them were acting suspiciously at the time.
August 29, 2021:
--Too Much Gang Intimidation Tactics in Atlanta--
I tried making a post, but it was deleted.
This is especially about the Intown Suites and ESA motels. Gang members intimidate people by having them go get laundry from another gang infested building so they can beleaguer you and see if they can rob you. They also might pilfer one item of your laundry (and guarantee the management is in on their scheme) to see if they can rob you. They will probably make intimidating remarks outside your door like, "Okay, first we'll hit him over the head." Also, they program the Wi-Fi to turn off at specific intervals to see if they can rob you. Also, they use shopping carts as signals of drug sale locations. They might use smoke signals to warn residents on occasion.
I tried to order two pocket knives off Amazon for self defense (even though I already have one), and they stole it off the doorstep after intentionally putting in a place where they could steal it. The motel worker guy mentioned he thought he had another package for me in a fake tone, and before he finished, I mentioned it was stolen and left. This is getting out of hand. The FBI estimates 5% of Atlanta is gang infested, and in motels its wayyy higher. All these gang members are going to know exactly who I am, but will that help them? Knowledge is power.
<Poem>----Coonies on the Ground----
God damn niggers cooning out the trees,
My white daughter choppin' down niggies.
Coonies on the ground, coonies on the ground,
Get your coonies off my ground!
August 31, 2021: 3:20 a.m. - I took 12 mg of amp 4 times today. I passed out watching TV at 11:30 p.m. tonight and woke up at 1:15 a.m. I started playing music really loud I guess, and the cops came. They said, "Okay Mr. Man." "We just wanna talk." I apologized from behind the door, and they left. Anyway, the interesting part is I was hallucinating rainbow faces at that time. I remember standing up staring down at my bed and seeing a mostly bright scarlet demon face with pointed angry eyes and a massive fang ridden, sadistic smile forming its entire chin and most of its lower head up to its ear. It was beveled up at the top and curved to a pointed chin at the bottom. It was formed of and covered the back right quarter of the bed. I also lusted for violence. There were rainbow traces of lines curling up like wings from the edges of the painting. This was at like 2 a.m. I can see rainbow trails and boxes forming in the environment all around me. Now it's 3:20, and those things are disappearing. I don't remember any of the other faces I saw. I don't remember any of the other visual hallucinations except lots of intense swirling rainbow lines and mists and some small amount of white mist at the center while I was hearing those screams, whispers, and demands. "Attack, kill kill kill, go, finish it, end this, seize it." The voices were layered multiple at a time and fading in and out like the visuals intensely fading into rainbows and whites and back to the blackness of my eyes closed. Not long ago, I could hear whispers and screaming in my brain as if it was really there, but this occurred only 2-3 times and only for like 5 seconds at a time. It looks as if this disorder will be afflicting me more seriously than I thought for the rest of my life. If I stop eating amphetamine now, this is what will happen to me again, just like every other time.
4:22 a.m. - Eyes open, the room briefly turned into a 2D blotted painting of a slightly rainbow version of itself, but rainbows were like 10% opacity (Paint.NET measured) this time instead of like 99% like at 3 AM.
4:52 a.m. - Eyes closed, I saw a rainbow version of my 1509 Emerson Avenue street and house appear, transform into a different two story house, and transform back into my house and then disappear. The color was like 50% opacity over the blackness of my eyelids.
6:08 a.m. - With open eyes in the dark, I saw a 95-100% opacity naked rainbow woman lying in midair as I lay dazed on my bed. She had her feet to me and was posed at about 315 degrees using a circle on the ground in front of me. She looked like that girl Taylor (I think she's really pretty). She said, laughing all the while, "We're going to have so much fun together!" This was followed by more laughs as she swirled into a counterclockwise maelstrom and vanished.
August 31, 2021: Dude they even push OTA updates to fuck with people here at ESA. I knew this was coming once I saw their custom TV overlay, lack of settings, and they changed the automatic zoom level on the TV from force 16:9 to pixel by pixel. Now they just pushed an update to change it back to force 16:9. Also, the whole system is designed to be as slow and annoying as possible. They even have a 45 cent item in the vending machine that's broken, and they leave it there for fun (I told them about it). They probably laugh like, "Who would believe that? Who would sell a rice krispie treat for 45 cents?"
September 1, 2021: I just clutched a 1v5 and defused the bomb in 45 seconds in Modern Warfare. Damn son. I got 2 snipes, 2 shotguns, and then finished with a snipe hitmarker in the right leg and an ADS shotgun to the chest while strafing forward from behind cover. I used an AX-50 and a Model 680 (the AX-5150 & the ModeL).
September 10, 2021: I'm still seeing faces at like 7 AM, 11 AM, 3 PM, 7 PM, and 9 PM, when my amphetamine wears off. It's 12:43, and I'm seeing rainbow faces in thin air, subdivisions this screen into shapes like cubes and triangles. I can see a rainbow smile below this as I type. I just reached for an illusory water bottle (I'm sitting in the dark). The cute anime girl wallpaper I have with blue hair and black wings morphs into greater and more far reaching smiles with gleaming thin eyes then morphs back into the original only to morph into a different smiley face. The smiley faces are as big as my laptop screen right now. Earlier they have been as big as half my queen size bed. The anime girl is winking at me, turning her head, and such.
11:47 p.m.: I was feeling like I had a literal 6 inch wide hole in my forehead for like day 3 to even today, although the feeling peaked at like a week when I had that white out. Now I feel like I have a 1 inch hole in my head. Sometimes it feels like the density of that 1 inch area is increasing by a lot. I felt lightning in my entire forehead after like a couple days of medicating. I'm tripping less balls now.
September 11, 2021: Fucking niggers. They watch for the things I like at the grocery store and take them off the shelf to fuck with me. Fucking niggers.
Hershey cookies & cream, honey chex mix, pepperjack cheese, boar's head fried chicken, these niggers are fucking monsters. They talk of things I watch in the motel at the grocery stores too. There are people who are walking around in the grocery store and not buying anything. I saw 3 Mexican dudes and a white guy with sunglasses and a baseball cap today doing just that. I'm being watch by the government, a black gang, and a Mexican gang. This is bullshit.
I can't believe my old manager kept calling me "Mikey" and laughing at me while I was trying to medicate with amphetamine. I was just watching the Halloween remake and then the original. I still like Halloween 4 most, and although it's the most tense, I like Friday the 13th VI: Jason Lives more. The opening scene is unforgettably badass. Teja called me a "good for nothing" 5 times in a row to my face. She wouldn't leave me alone and made it her mission to fuck me over as much as possible then play the victim. She would allude to me being a bad person and then try to judge my reaction. She called me a "good for nothing" five times in a row to my face when she knew I was at one of my weakest moments with ADHD, and then she smiled viciously and ended the conversation. She would always be making jokes while I was trying to work. I would ask her to leave me alone, and she would refuse and continue to talk shit. She even clenched her fist and glared at me one morning during our morning stand up meeting. Once she walked into a room when I was jamming to music a little too loudly and said right to me, "Do you want to die?" She would coordinate with my new manager Atul and most other people near us to fuck me over. I was set up to get fucked over by Atul and Teja; they picked me to be on their team to do just that. It was disgusting, and I didn't want to call her "Indian shit" or something else profane and personal at the time, but I do now. If I see that bitch again, I'm going to have to say something profane and depart her presence.
September 13, 2021: It was bullshit. I was set up. The motherfuckers in that gang work as a janitor there, and she told on me. She knows this guy I know named Tyre Johnson-King who was at GT. He told me the police searched his stuff. I actually took amphetamine that night and left my stuff like 30 feet away and the janitor told the cops to come check it out. I fucking hate them. I made a sharpie t-shirt listing all the bullshit they did. I wore it yesterday. I saw the black chicken line people freaking out about it. Obama's fucking gay. Pisses me off. It's not supposed to happen that way. The dirty needle thing was a set up too. I had a tuberculosis test, and my arm hurt for like 14 hours, all night until I went to court. My roommate was a black guy who was bald on top with white hair on the sides. He was well spoken and claimed to have a Bachelors of Religious Studies. He said he came by mistake due to mistakenly missing a court date. He left at the same time as me, but I never went to court with him nor did I ever see him processed. He just kind of showed up. He followed me from the jail to the McDonalds next to Intown Suites. He changed tone very quickly and tried to convince me there were people following me and him everywhere, including FBI. He never had his arm hurt from that TB test (which he may never have had, considering I think he was a Bloods gang operative). Nobody else had their arm hurt. There's an interesting South Park episode called The Poor Kid where they talk about the same arm hurting dirty needle jail thing happening. It has Dr. Pepper, and I've been watching South Park rather loudly enough to hear from the hallway if you listen close to my door. On like May 28 or so, I freaked out again on MDA and amphetamine by licking my scale. Some fat black lady at Walmart mentioned Dr. Pepper rather awkwardly as I walked past.
So I'm never going to jail again. I'ma stay on the straight and narrow path of hiding all my shit.
When I first met Andy Park, he asked me if I had my driver's license with an unusual look of knowledge on his face. This is an uncommon question for someone who is 18. Also, he told a lot of stupid lies. I'm 99% sure he is affiliated with the government somehow. That's annoying because these shadowed people come to interfere in my life for their amusement or assurance.
A medium build caramel colored woman with short hair and bangs smiled viciously and bumped me with her SUV. This was halfway between my basement apartment at 589 Elmwood Dr NE and McDonalds. She then left in a rapid hurry. I also left. Then 6 months later, a fat black guy with glasses and his eyes sewn half shut bumped me halfway between InTown Suites and the Walmart. He looked at me with a blank stare. These were both intentional. I think the dude asked e for the directions to Walmart after I moved to motherfuckin' ESA. This is bullshit.
September 14, 2021: I saw a rainbow tendril dragon with its fang ridden mouth agape coming straight at me from the top of the wall in front of me. My pillow disintegrated into puzzle pieces. I'm watching a myriad of eyes and mouths swirling like Pride too. I can't really see much complexities like an entire girl. The dragon appeared very briefly (like a 2 second charge) then disappeared. This is all open eyed. I'm sitting in the dark and smoking, and it's 12:25, 85 minutes after eating amp. I can see things slipping and sliding across my vision and my leather chair backrest extended up to about twice the height.
September 15, 2021: I saw a BLM protest of like 50 jeeps go by. This was about 9 months ago in December or January. I'm watching Pet Sematary 2. I remember some black stripper girl in Platinum Club asking if I wanted to come to her house where they would make some mashed potatoes for me or whatever I wanted. When I got here, some fat black lady said in the hallway, "They better not try to take my dog away." I never saw her with a dog. I think it might be the same lady that scornfully calls me "big guy" and "big man" with a nasty look on her face. When I returned to Intown Suites to get my things and pack them up, there was a lollipop in my dog's cage, and Breezy was chewing it between his paws. Shortly before that, there was also a fat black bitch with black sunglasses recklessly driving me in an Uber with one hand while holding out a lollipop. There was some black girl who rather awkwardly and seemingly in the form of exposition called her dog "Buddy" after walking outside ESA. I can't prove the mashed potatoes and "buddy" thing are a part of that plot, but it seems like it. Tyre also mentioned they follow some kind of script.
Black woman called out to my dog and said, "Come here _". Then a black dude walked up to my dog, looked me in the eye, brushed up against him, then walked away. I said "hello" and he said nothing. Just now. Proving all this shit. I can't remember the name she called him. Something starting with a t. They were already waiting for me in the hallway. A fat lady and some dude
They're plotting their next move you bet. A lot of time, when the wifi goes off, I hear a door shut. I go outside, but no one is ever there. It must be a signal. About ten days ago when I last did laundry, someone intentionally put a pair of brown women's panties and a black and white striped sock into my laundry. When I went in to the laundry room, there were two people screwing with the vending machine. As I was leaving the laundry room, something was mumbled about a Ferrari cake (like Satan from South Park). Fucking assholes. It was probably them.
I once had an interview with a suspected latino gang member who sounded about 40 and was asking me if I was interested in moving to Greenville. He sounded very suspect in tone.
September 16, 2021: I'll stop focusing on external people now. I need to be concerned with finding a job soon. A latino guy took a picture of me while I was walking back from Publix today, but he pretended to take a picture of a speed checkpoint. I'm still seeing faces at 12:39. Earlier today I saw a fainter dragon start to come to life, but it barely formed. I saw a ghoulish face appear in the smoke drifting up from my bong about an hour ago. I can still see toothy smiles and ecstatic yet vicious dragon eyes watching me. Occasionally an object like the TV might dissipate into symmetrical wings (repetitions of circles/ovals).
September 17, 2021: I think the gang intends to harm Breezy. In addition to my professor's comments about this Sama Doh, one of the first questions he always asks me is, "How is the dog?" He has very purposefully never referred to Breezy by name. He is an evil puppeteer of the Atlantian Nigger Society.
For a second, I glanced at Breezy lying next to my bed on the ground, and his head looked like one of those giant eyeballs full of a myriad of eyes (like a fly's).
I remember that one time that latino and latina rented the room above me and had loud sex to try to fuck with me, so I banged on the ceiling. They were outside waiting for me and said hello to me while staring. That's disrespectful.
11:59: I saw blue lines weaving about with my eyes closed. There is a smile curled from the bottom of my laptop display. Eyes open and close as they stare at me. I see myself holding up nothing in the palm of my hand in rainbow colors in my screen. It morphed to crosshatch lines while I was typing.
September 18, 2021: The angel demon girl very rapidly shakes her face at me and laughs as I look at my wallpaper.
The gang had a 45 cent Rice Krispie option in their vending machine at ESA that actually costs $1.25. It was a good deal, so I tried to get it. I told them, and nothing happened. The girl at the desk kept smiling. Some big and tall black Publix bagger said to me, "Riiiice. You like the way I say that?"
was making some huge joke because he had an equally huge toothy grin and nod on his face.
Also, the fridge I had was deteriorating on and off. I think the maintenance people here had an idea of that and were using it as a joke. "Protect me" and "cool" were used around it, but those are admittedly very generic. There was the strange smell of maple syrup in the pesticide used behind my fridge by the ESA maintenance people, just like in the South Park episode Cartman's Incredible Gift. The same maintenance people were modifying the laundry room vending machines just before women's panties and the sock were inserted into my laundry. The gang here also appears to use the "Back door TV 2.v" Wi-Fi while intermittently taking down the customer Wi-Fi ESAConnect. A couple weeks after I moved here, they delisted the employee ESA Wi-Fi network SSID. I actually might be subsidizing gang motel housing prices because I've seen my rate go down from $386 to ~$320 per week randomly, and despite repeated questioning to a hugely fat black female employee, I received a steadfast nonsensical answer, as expected. Some fat black employee also said with a huge grin on his face to this skinny crackhead looking caramel colored black woman walking away from the counter, "I knocked a hundred off" (I don't remember the rest of the sentence, but it was about money {they have an online 20% off thing for cover, but it doesn't appear to work}). I just reported the Fulton County Jail for corruption to the FBI and mentioned the needle and the mostly bald black guy with glasses who was apparently a "radical Christian scientist terrorist wanted by the FBI".
2:35 - Lying in my bed I just saw a ~30% opacity rainbow girl coming at me with my eyes closed (Paint.NET measured). With a light grey face, she walked 3-4 steps then morphed into a roaring lion head which morphed into a dragon with its mouth gaping open then disappeared. There was no sound.
September 19, 2021:
9:00 a.m. - I was walking back from McDonalds, and on arriving at about 50 feet from the building door, a latino guy took out his phone and starting acting strangely with it. I asked him if he knew about a latina girl at Platinum Club giving me an STD. He said no, but his eyes were very wide, and then he walked forward a couple paces as I simultaneously turned around and left, telling him I had nothing else to discuss.
2:00 p.m. - I saw a rainbow drake like Lesser Dragon rise and roar from lying on the ground and then fly off as it morphed into a rainbow red eyes black dragon flying away.
3:03 p.m. - A ziplock bag with a microfiber cloth in it looks like a fox holding daggers backwards with each arm curled toward its chest. I just ate a 32 mg dose of amphetamine.
I remember a while ago, that one normal sized black guy named Mark working in the office said, "I ain't seen nobody but you complain" with regards to my complaint about the internet intermittently messing up. This is also the guy who said, "No need to throw anyone under the bus" when I was asking about changing rates and I got a weird answer from caramel colored black girl Natasha. He also said, "We didn't get to get a good look at you". I remember when I first came to GA Tech, some big black guy in a black suit and black sunglasses said he came from Colorado with some weed. He was waiting outside my dorm door to talk to me. I told him to check the fraternities and he left as I went to get dinner/lunch at North Ave. dining. Seeing all this South Park stuff about criminal enterprises in Denver, Colorado has me thinking they're trying to do the same shit here. They're watching me to see when I snitch. Some black guy was waiting in a jeep not that long ago, smoking something that smelled a little foul, and he said, "Yep, I see him."
Tyre mentioned his parents wouldn't give him money because they thought he was shooting dope and stuff, but I'm pretty sure his gang is telling that about me.
Sama mentioned, "I want to go to Burger King" a few times in a manner indicative of his involvement there (like South Park).
The gang is almost certainly using me as a test to see if they can get away with assassinating or sickening someone in the jail or denying licenses to anyone they don't like. That girl Mercedes even mentioned strongly I should be the president. She also awkwardly mentioned people in Brazil chopping people's heads off. This is fucked. I'm almost sure she knows about this stuff.
I think the gang is also spamming my phone and stealing money from corporations through their IT connections. The black IT guy at Verizon Connect I talked to with rather squinty eyes and a shaved head was suspicious as he talked to me about lunch for programming a stock market buying program. I wasn't sure of the legality of such things so I said I would talk about it. He never talked to me again. His character seemed too secretive and lightly antagonistic to be involved with the government, but this is just speculation here. Multiple black Uber drivers have said they're learning IT.
September 21, 2021: That guy Tyre told me his mom died as a last ditch lie to get to stay in my apartment on Elmwood after staying there 4 months. He's a gang member, and he tried to make it seem like he warned me. He's a traitor, and he still owes me $400, so that's all with which I'm willing to interact with him. The last thing he tried to do was get more money from me on the phone a couple years ago, and the very last thing he said was, "These people are crackheads yo" and then he hung up while there were loud people talking and music in the background. He and his entire organization are not to ever be trusted, which was known, but now I know the extent of their attempt at influence and treachery.
I remember when I was kicked out of ZBT for saying "I should kill you. No what am I saying, I shouldn't even be making fun of you." Then I stopped and went to sleep, and not a word was heard from Ian until the next day (all he did was sit up and shake his hand like he was annoyed). I agreed to go with the cops to the Dean of Students, where he tried to hurt my feelings. The thing is, Ian was once talking with his girlfriend about pinning someone to the ground and snapping their neck if they were threatened (while looking at me every so often with happy faces).
That fat lady at Solace lied about me to get me kicked out. My dog did pee in the elevator, but she did not tell me twice to clean my stove. It was once, and it wasn't even dirty, and I had cleaned it. She didn't even look again. She wanted to screw me over, I could see it in her eyes.
5:23 - Someone banged on something steel loudly in the hallway 3 times. ???
7:02 - I saw a brilliant rainbow dragon like the red dragon of Dragon's Nest from Dragons of Deltora lurching toward me.
September 23, 2021: A fat latino guy with glasses and two small chihuahua sized dogs (like Max with my cousin Crystal) was waiting at my door when I got back with Breezy today. He looked gay. He said he was sorry for being at the wrong room, and as he left, I noted I didn't believe him. I received no response at all. He was definitely lying.
3:27 - Now, instead of cycling the wifi signal on and off every 30 minutes, the gang infested IT department for ESA is dropping packets every so often. I can't forget they made that insignificant OTA update for the TV that changed the zoom level. I'm writing all this down so I can go back over it later with clear memory. Alternatively, someone else could always find it and analyze it, but that is of no consequence to me, so it is pointless to consider for very long the eventual benefit to the population.
4:18 - I remember when I went to Wingstop on PCP, a security guard was silently laughing and walking awkwardly by, looked at me, and said, "Teja" in a gotcha kind of way. Perhaps the Indians are working with the blacks and latinos. When I went to Platinum Club, the guy said, "Let me see your papers." He knew I didn't have my hard copy of my license. He also said, "You can't be comin' in here with that water shit." In his defense, I had walked up to the front with a bottle of water in my jacket when he searched me. Taylor said, "Slap it." She definitely knows about the guy and girl trying to piss me off upstairs back at Elmwood. She also said, "You can't come in here like that." She already has lines and gestures like that prepared so she knows how to play her twisted game. She squeaked like a puppy to try to freak me out once while giving me a lap dance. Weird. I'm not playing those games. I don't feel good from doing things differently.
September 24, 2021: 12:23 a.m. - Cartman's voice in Jewpacabra on South Park melted into a single incomprehensible inflection of syllabic slurs. I rewound it, and he said, "I'm really not behind this whole Christ thing." It actually sounded like it had no pauses between words so it was a really long, inflected slur.
10:28 a.m. - I woke up late to take my amphetamine. A while ago, I think some organization involved with the government served up some pedophilia video to the random front page recommendations of my PornHub visit. I viewed that video twice, and even though the girl seemed sketchy, I chose to believe she was at least 18 like the other women on the site. Now, I think someone served me up a real or fake pedophilia video as a test, and it got PornHub's user content wiped. The PornHub user content wipe happened not long after I banged the stripper and had that weird video. I'm still analyzing everyone to see if anyone spills any beans, because if they do, I'm going to expose them for the lying pieces of shit they really are. I saw something about ovaltine and clyde frog in the Go God Go episode of South Park, so if parts of their script are from South Park, it would make sense. That Som guy who I think is an FBI agent mentioned South Park very fondly, and stared very far outside the window saying, "Yes, everything is going to be OK."
At jail, I told this black lady I couldn't read the thing they wanted me to sign, so I asked her to explain it. After like her 5th time explaining it, I told her I could neither understand her nor read the document, so I was begrudgingly going to sign the unknown document. I couldn't read because I medicated that one night with amphetamine as a test, and I was impeded by the police right after that.
I'm pretty sure the medium build tall white guy who started working downstairs in the office is a government employee. He gave me the wrong kind of keycard which was blue even though keycards also just changed from green/brown to green. Also, it was not programmed correctly. Also, he was trying to screw with my head as I dissociated from his words. Just yesterday, there was a medium height fat white guy hanging out watching the office employee ask to talk to me after I walked my dog.
Tyre told me he was going to rob that old white lady he was talking to. He said he was going to sell her car without her permission.
After listening to Antoine Dodson's hide ya X speech, which I think was faked, and writing it down on my T-shirt listing gang members affronts on me, that video has been made private.
I remember when I lost my mind and was investigating outside being a little loud, the fat janitor lady knew my name already but was reluctant to use it. She is in that gang too, as are most of the staff. They're all communicating about how to screw me over as best they can. That new white guy appears to be involved with the government in some way, based on his deliberate mannerisms, sudden appearance, and watchful gaze.
There are people who know me who know things that could help me with ADHD, but they chose not to tell me, instead preferring to prod the validity of my ADHD statement and laugh at me. Taylor said, "We know we made your dreams come true." But the caveat I notice is she stopped smiling and donned a serious tone to say that. She knew that this unknown STD would trigger my ADHD and thought it funny this whole time. There's no way we can be friends. We are enemies, but I still wish the best for my enemies somewhere far away from me.
The government has been standing by and watching me the whole time, and I KNOW that they know things that could help me such as the amphetamine cessation and MDA thing, which I won't reveal to anyone until they admit they know it screwed me over and I expose them for the bastards they are.
In the McDonalds next to Intown Suites, a lady was wearing gloves and refusing to let me use a wall outlet near her. She had a nasty look on her face from the start and lied about working there. Some worker was already there and said, "We'll find you a new outlet." They already knew who I was. I could see it in there faces. She said, "No because I work here and I can kick you out." She was lying. I think she was a frequenter. Some skinny caramel lady at Publix chicken counter next to ESA said with a look of contempt on her face, "My glove keeps coming off." She also said it in a condescending, illegitimate way. A lot of those Boar's Head workers know me and try to screw with me (two knots for the plastic wrap around my bread roll, random fat black dude purposefully holding my food and pretending to work for a few minutes). Anyway, enough of the glove. Two black guys came into McDonalds and while standing in line one retorted to the other, "No I forgot." They said it as if to demean someone around them (almost certainly me). I'm going based on tone alone here as their backs were to me, but it reaffirms my suspicion they intend to prey on the weak using groups and corporations. Also, when I was waiting to get my keycard from the cleaning lady (which was shoved through the mail slip and I was looked at like I was a terrorist), there were two black guys in some car behind me just watching me. One said, "So predictable." I don't remember what happened after that because the corrupt management and cop woke me up saying they told me to leave the day before, which was not true. The cop also lied and said I couldn't be evicted, but he did let me go even though I knew he could smell the disgusting smell of toxic meth pee in my bathroom, the leftovers of my experiment which destroyed parts of my body but gave me more knowledge of things like dopamine, adrenaline, and acetylcholine systems.
4:36 - I just snapped my aim onto a guy with an AMAX in MW with my right hand, but I fumbled my left hand and hit R instead of C.
5:24 - I'm just now noting the time both my website and itch.io went down because of a server incident. I can't help but think it was related to me, so I'm posting that I have a digital journal on LinkedIn too. There was also that time when I got out of jail and was waiting on a bench all day for the police to return my cell phone, clothes, and the entirety of my other belongings. And a short skinny black guy and tall bald white guy came and the black guy said they had people watching me on every corner, and he had a .44 magnum. I told him to pull it on me because I knew he was bluffing. The white guy said he was about peace and was composed the whole time, but the black guy was very erratic. They left. They were either government agents or homeless folk in that black and latino coalition gang, but since that guy was pretty white I think they were government trying to probe the validity of my ADHD. I'm pretty sure when the gang members were screwing with me on MARTA and the DMV, the government was trying to coax me into their trunks and shit on the way back. I was starting to hallucinate very strongly at that time and had intense paranoia I couldn't deny, so I'm unsure on the government part since it happened on my way back from the DMV. It's very probably since the government has been watching me for a long time. The Gin and Vodka thing in Case Closed has me thinking that perhaps the government really did poison me with dexamp that one time I was on the MARTA. I remember Teja saying with a very dark tone and expression, "Maybe you should get a drink." I really don't think I'm overthinking it. They're watching me now in tandem with the gang(s). Perhaps they're going to put something in those muffins. It's a dangerous time to trust anyone right now.
6:40 - Eyes closed, I saw a naked woman facing me spreading her legs and sitting up straight while twirling her hair. She looked like a skinny white purple haired girl like the porn star Dani Jensen but whiter and with purple hair. This hallucination was 95-100% opacity, quite the distinction from the 30% opacity girl I saw walking toward me last.
7:05 - I just ate the amphetamine. I saw my ajar drawer to my left curl into a mouth with fangs. I can see eyes and mouths ripping into the environment like Pride from FMA. The distortions are very vivid and reminiscent of glutaminergic and cholinergic impacts.
11:08 - Fluctuations appear so random. I'm seeing the Pride-style fangs and eyes again as well as random smiles, but this isn't as intense as about four hours ago with the woman I saw facing me.
September 25, 2021: I still wonder if that bus hitting that car in front of me was due to that gang. I used some of my adrenaline to make sure I got out of the way. Something seemed fishy, especially when that Mark guy (who's gone) mentioned not throwing anyone under the bus and not seeing anyone else but me complain.
I just complained again about the Wi-Fi going down for anyone the gang doesn't like while the gang uses "Back door TV 2.v".
10:30 - I've been mostly sitting in the dark for the past 5 weeks or so watching these illusions. I just saw a realistic looking rendition of Breezy slinking along the ground between my bed and this desk to get to his food and water bowl next to the ESA kitchen. I followed it with my eyes after it caught my attention, and it disappeared. It looked realistic, so I really thought it was him, so I looked all the way down and even shuffled back to brush against the bed and give the illusion space.
I think these gangsters have been telling their kids to run up to me and peer at me from the doorway to try to screw with me. There's been way too many weird instances, and I think they might actually be trying to use their children as somewhat of a weapon. About 5 months ago or so, standing and loitering outside Publix there was a group of black kids between ages like 8 and 16, and I think they are involved in a gang because of the looks on their faces, their bodily mannerisms, and the way they tried to use words to screw me over as I packed up my stuff (I don't remember what they were talking about). All of this coupled with the MARTA stuff, Sama Doh's very strange mannerisms, and Sama Doh's strange connect who helped me do 500 hours then creepily spouted off trying to get me interested in his high school daughter. He was dodgy and emailed me at a different email to continue talking after speaking a lot about his daughter. There's a lot here to confirm that there is also a concerted gang effort to waste my time with suggestions of pedophilia. I'm only interested in women my own age or slightly older.
Not only that, there is an organized effort through a gang multimedia messaging platform to target me with all sorts of bullshit suggestions, like Sama Doh's recognition of the female human as nothing more than a hole. The point of bullshitting me like this is to use me for their laughter, and then get rid of me by making me look insane and jailing or killing me, whether by "accidental" MARTA bus slaying or "accidental" jail sickness from their dirty needle. I remember unlocking my door with my dog, and some janitor lady with a big smile said in a low, condescending tone, "Yes, you listen to us, don't you?" They consider me an "outlet" or a "dog" for them to release their frustration.
There were fully grown homeless looking people sitting outside who said, "We don't need to kill anyone now." This was done loudly to attempt to agitate or influence me, but they didn't actually appear gang related; they appeared to be independent homeless. Even if it's not related, I want to document it anyway because it was strange.
That stupid contract I signed with Sama Doh when I could barely read was signed with a lawyer present. They both knew the contract lied, and so did I, but I signed it anyway since I knew it would be void. The lawyer didn't look too happy, but Sama Doh looked oh so gleeful. The last thing that lawyer said to me was, "Be careful." Whatever. I can see he is scared, but I am not.
The TV in here has the bass programmed up, possibly to fuck me over and blame me for a popped speaker.
The government was watching me in Modern Warfare about 14 months ago. Funny stuff was going on around me for a while, so I asked someone to guess my name, and someone told me over the mic in CoD: "Joseph". I asked, "How did you know?" He said, "That's what it says on the screen." He sounded like a mid-30's white male cop. I think people are trying to poison my mind through CoD too. That happened for a while between July 2020 and October 2020, and I suspect it to have sporadically happened between then and now. I think it might be ticking back up again. Strange things are said on the mic that are not completely coincidental. There's shit talking in CoD, and then there's being targeted online. I've been playing CoD for a while, high and not, so I think I can tell the difference pretty decently. I've also been target by a gang for like 4 years, so I think I can tell the difference. Tonal differences like serious reactions to lighthearted questions. People may try to stay relatively silent, so body language is also important in the real world. In CoD, people can use movements to relate they know something you don't, although I can't think of any instances like that. Perhaps some instances of Search & Destroy were staged in a way.
That Teja woman called me a good for nothing over and over until I cracked a laugh of hatred. What a bitch! In regards to the possible MARTA poisoning thing, I heard some Indian people mention a MARTA incident around me in a provocative manner.
That gay neighbor Zach lied and spewed shit from his mouth until I was shaking and banging my left hand on the ground because I was amazed I couldn't feel it. I pointed at the sun and asked, "Do you want that thing to come down right now?" What an asshole! To be fair, he didn't say anything super horrendous; I reacted that way because he was gay. He was almost always very nice to me except a few times. I literally can't stand gay people. That encounter was also captured on a video camera, so if I see that video, I'm going to demand it be turned over to me or deleted so I can upload it to my YouTube. They can keep a copy. I still wonder if that Zach guy was some sort of government spy.
4:40 - I saw a rainbow woman manifest while I was standing up listening to music playing from a speaker behind me. This was a very short manifestation of less than half a second. They're getting shorter and less frequent as expected. This literally shows my neurotransmitter systems are similarly performing.
5:13 - I remember there was a guy rushing ZBT with a drinking problem who wouldn't stop talking about F.M.A. Brotherhood who seemed kinda strange. I wonder if he was gov affiliated. I thought about it at the time, keeping in mind the Gin and Vodka story.
8:51 p.m. - A bunch of black people were hanging out outside walking around, sitting in cars, and sitting on the curb. Nobody was together. Some dude called out something but all I caught was "white boy". There was a car camping the exit street from ESA that pulled toward me when I walked outside. These camping cars pulling around when I exit are pretty common. Breezy tried to walk while taking a shit but I reprimanded him. While walking around from the front to the trash can back out back, a car pulled out of ESA. There was a cutip left in the hallway earlier that's been cleaned. There has been different pieces of trash put there though. There's lots of trash in the stairwell. Of course it's related to me. I complained about the Wi-Fi being segregated by caste today. It's probably that.
September 26, 2021: I woke up at 5 a.m. this morning for like 10 minutes. I was tripping balls and just wanted to go back to sleep.
I'm pretty sure someone friends with the staff at the Cheetah strip club switched my drink with an alcoholic one. Then the stripper I was trying to get a dance from said she couldn't do it because she had been drinking, but she sounded like she was trying to be mean by lying to me. They stole my wallet overnight, and then told me I could never return.
9:41 a.m. - I just saw my wall 10 feet away completely dissolve into mostly blue yet rainbow squares about 1 cm in length. I didn't notice any effect on the floor, ceiling, or edges of the wall, but those parts were in my periphery.
I heard Sama Doh mention Atul's name one time. He also said he knows people at my work. Combined with the security guard mentioning Teja, it suggests they are working together. However, they could just be trying to make me believe that.
That girl Mercedes once said, "You look drained." I'm sure she knows something about my STD thing. There must be a ton of people who know and just won't tell me because they'd rather laugh. I also still can't get a damn job, so medicine is useless if I don't have food, and I can't weigh out and eat amphetamine in a timely manner unless I have a domicile.
3:04 - I just got called "white boy" again by one of two giggling black people sitting outside Publix.
Even though we used her condom, she gave me an STD on purpose. She used some sort of really warm lube which might have melted the condom. Also, she smiled really big and pricked at the end of the condom as a joke after we fucked. Then she left.
4:15 - I went back and asked again for the Wi-Fi to be fixed. Wi-Fi ask #4. Often I hear a door open.
11:13 p.m. - About a week ago, several nearby grocery store employees were yapping at the same time when I was checking out at Publix, and while talking to the cashier the next thing I know I yelled out some lie about eating Adderall soon, then my vision unblurred and my prefrontal cortex retook control.
12:59 a.m. - My bong a meter away has a smiley face across it in the middle along the ice catch. Going to sleep, with eyes closed I could see the ever changing small face of rainbow women like dark magician girl and Yuno centered in the middle of a misty rainbow swirl.
September 27, 2021: I remember a week after I fucked that girl ESi at Platinum Club, I thought the Indian mafia was coming to kill me. That's why I quit. I thought they were going to screw me over as much as they could and then try to get me killed in an "accident". I started running around having more sex and supporting Donald Trump until I started eating amphetamine again.
7:44 p.m. - A black guy and his girlfriend pulled over to the side of the road slowly and pulled up beside me as I was crossing the street next to ESA. The girl started coughing, but it was totally fake. She was trying to get me sick with COVID. An elderly Asian couple walking past witnessed it, and I even pointed out their car to them.
I remember when I first got to Intown Suites, some fat black lady said my dog needed "a shave". A black guy said outside my window one time, "Bet he won't do it again though."
September 29, 2021: 7:45 a.m. - I asked someone in the lobby to help with the Wi-Fi again.
I remember Taylor saying, "That's enough sex for you." She had a wicked grin on her face though. I wonder if they're trying to sterilize me somehow. Combined with the needle thing, it's got me wondering. I need to figure out this STD thing, but without insurance, it's useless. It's been like 14 months now.
I remember Teja asking if I want to be homeless. That cop that helped the gang kick me out of Intown Suites mentioned that too. I'm not sure if such things are related. There's that artist episode of Case Closed called Dead Hobo. She would also randomly say random shit like a lot of people, just to "know how you react." "Ha. Take it?" "Do you have a plan?" "How many friends do you have?" "How would they know?" "A victim?" "Face?!" "To me your are shit. A good for nothing. Good for nothing. Good for nothing. Good for nothing. Good for nothing. Okay?!" She would say anything to try to make me feel bad. She even said sorry one time, but did it as she was leaving, with no context, and with her back turned to me. She never even looked back after saying that. She kept harassing me. I even told my manager Atul. It was still a big joke to them. She would also coordinate with this black guy named Daniel and several of the Indian folk. "Do you want me to ask Daniel to show you how it's done?" I still can't help but wonder if she's with that gang. Perhaps that gang member only said such things passing by to confuse me.
My aunt pisses me off by drip feeding me my mom's old stuff. She never gives me straight answers and she never follows through on offers to help me. She never paid me back the $1000 for which she begged to loan to fix her truck, which she wanted after I got my mom's life insurance. She always screwed over my mom, she screwed over my grandma, and not only did she keep that $1000, but she scavenged everything from my old house.
These people are all no good, and everything they do to fuck me, they'll do it to you. I won't be fooled by guises of righteousness or claims of ineptitude. Give Teja or Sama 5 seconds with your kids, grandparents, wife, or dog, and they'll be taking advantage of them already. Once I leave, the gangs of this city will be looking for someone else to screw over. That's why everyone else should care even though it appears they're harassing me and no one else.
That gang works security at Platinum Club and stole my umbrella. They said I could leave it outside, where they always stand guard. They let a gang member steal it. I also parked my bike close to there. I'm 99% sure a gang member involved with that club stole my bike too by cutting the lock. If the cops had wanted it because it was on the sidewalk, they would have left a note or something.
10:50 p.m. - I see my Gasai Yuno wallpaper laughing at me on the screen. In the picture, she has a static smile with her lips pursed.
12:03 a.m. - I think Teja is probably actually affiliated with the black gang. No rational entity like the government would try to screw me over like that. I think Som is with the government, and I think Teja is with that gang.
September 30, 2021: Wi-Fi is still segregated. There are entire families of like 5+ people here with children, and nobody else complains. That black guy Mark even remarked on that. "It's not part of my job description." That's why he wouldn't call IT. "Do you have the number on your TV?" I never got one of those. Everything here is designed to fuck me.
I'm pretty sure these two fat black women who pulled up to ask for directions while I was letting my dog out were looking to hit him with their car. This was at Elmwood about a year and a half ago. They looked evil. In November/December 2018, remember these two black cops came to investigate "someone locked out of their house" while I was going to do laundry at night. They sounded way too serious for the situation, and they also sounded like they were lying to investigate me. They talked very slowly and deliberately. They looked and sounded like they were there to look at me. They were outside my door when I was bringing the laundry out. I didn't see anyone looking to get inside their house around. Tyre was staying in my living room at the time. I do believe the two things were connected.
I remember before I went to the strip club, I tried to bang an escort, and a cop drove me in an Uber to an old folks home while playing political radio propaganda.
There's something important about Brooke Figueroa's male partner calling me on March 26 and asking if I wanted to move to Greenville (I had just moved to the green ESA buildings). This guy is latino, and latino and black gang members have been stalking me. kdc/one is the company name. The number that called me is 864-630-6607, a South Carolina number. We talked for 11 minutes, and I never heard back from either of them. The guy on the phone sounded suspicious too, which is what really brings all of it together. Another, Alfonso Figueroa works at Samiti Technology, a company with a name reminiscent of Sama Doh, a prolific Bloods member.
I remember I tried meth after this General Electric employee named Xue Han (Sue) chatted with me in an interview and had rainbow lines waving around on her camera as an after effect. She also was interested in my interest in "going nuclear" and asked me, "You were born here weren't you?" Interesting. I don't know what to make of that. She seemed nice enough, so I don't think she was trying to fuck me over. She was very smiley and laughed a lot. Probably something of a warning.
I remember that fat Asian lady who works at XXXtra Space Storage said "there's a Home Depot out back" when I asked to use the bathroom. She seemed like she had a double meaning when she said it, since she was rather unusually enthusiastic about that part.
At Solace on Peachtree in June 2018, the office lady lied to get me kicked out because she didn't approve of my dog shitting across the street. She was out to get me. She said I didn't clean my stove after she told me (condescendingly) and told me should would check again. I cleaned it. She never looked again. The other thing she wrote to get me evicted doesn't matter, but it was that my dog peed in the elevator. That is true. I'm not sure why I had it in my mind that I wasn't supposed to clean it. Whatever. I was trying to plant mushrooms for the homeless people and shouting at sprinkler system cameras. Whatever. Anyway, Sama Doh said that lady was chosen because of her talents. He was very aggressive in telling me this. I think the Bloods own Solace (which has an all red top floor) and pick some gullible employees to work and make everything look okay.
There was a federal agent or something outside my house. This guy with shades and a big grin says they're looking to move into this house. Some teenager is scouting up and down the street, strangely focused. I asked him what he does, and he said he was retired. They said they were coming from Hawaii. Sama Doh mentioned going "native" and going to "Africa" many times. He's trying to get black control of the city for sure. I wonder if there is something strange with the government and Hawaii considering there is a South Park episode called "Going Native" where Butters goes off the rails with anger and goes to Hawaii. There's also a coming from Hawaii reference around Quagmire suspiciously in Family Guy's Love Thy Trophy episode. There's something people aren't telling me here, but they sure are watching me. Walking back from the strip club Platinum Club, I think I later saw that same teenager walking past me down the street strangely pointing finger guns around. His movement looked staged, and for whom? It was almost certainly to somehow disrupt and analyze me. Anyway, the Hawaii connection is likely related to the military and other top secret government stuff considering Kelvin Laboy, an army guy, is stationed in Hawaii. I assume nuclear information is located closer to the landlocked area of Kansas. Why put anything in Hawaii, harbored as the vanguard state, except a red herring?
1:30 - I remember the front receptionist here had a strange grin and way of saying my room number was "418" when I got here. I went to talk to the front desk about the Wi-Fi again. The new white guy was there again, and he said that it would be 24-48 hours. That's bullshit. It should be fixed and testable immediately. At GT IT stuff like password changes could take a few hours to propagate to Linux. But this is a broadcast signal problem. The router should be replaced if it is malfunctioning, but that is unlikely as I am the only one who has complained among the 4 floors of residents. They said I could not switch rooms because they were full. Perhaps they can spy on me. I know they can use a reverse peephole. The Wifi is still going out for me every 30 minutes. The SSID stays up, and I stay connected, but I do not receive any Internet throughput. Nobody else complains, and there are entire families of 5+ people here. It sometimes fixes itself randomly. They contract out to Velocity, and make it so YOU have to contact them. The white guy, Mark, slightly begrudgingly mentioned Velocity as the IT company. He sounded like he faked surprise that it still wasn't working for me. After he said that, my mind immediately darted to the idea the gang is MAC address filtering me. No way the government would orchestrate something like this. It just doesn't make sense; their intention is fostering stability, not ravaging people's lives through periodic disconnects of service. I think this new white guy is undercover with the government. He left as I expressed my disdain for the IT companies by mentioning them in a negative vocal tone, and a skinny black woman appeared glaring at me with a straight face. She stared as I left.
2:49 - I remember the mixed front receptionist here had a strange grin and way of saying my room number was "418" when I got here. I never saw her again, although she was the cutest receptionist I've seen in a bit. She was probably a gang member like the mixed girl Audrina Moon of Solace on Peachtree.
These people in the gang call me their "dog". I haven't written down that summary of all the weird ways they use that word around me, but it's true. Basically they're supremacists who want slavery again.
4:25 p.m. - I remember at a Verizon Connect meeting with upper management present, they would say things to try to cast me as a bad person. This one old white guy said, "We know more about you than you think." "Where's Vi? Haha..." One meeting, Vi left the room in an orchestrated moment. Everyone was watching me.
This other time, I arrived to work after quitting amphetamine. I told Teja about it. As I arrived at the team meeting, there was an audio recording playing in the office next to me. It was a recording of me talking. Everyone was watching me intently sometimes, but the meeting carried on as normal. Very shady. Nobody said a damn word. It was orchestrated to make me paranoid. These people are fucked in the head.
I remember I heard some dude talking about, "Whatever you say Jimmy, whatever you say." This was after watching that Up the Down Steroid episode of South Park with that quote a bunch here at ESA. Now some guy just said, "Whatever you say Call of Duty." That's a bit of a stretch, but I know people who are working with Infinity Ward are watching me. Strange. To independent individuals, or "indies", the government mostly appears to take a hands off approach as the Bloods gang takes a hands on approach.
So it looks like the Bloods gang has been following me since about January 2018. That bastard Tyre still owes me $400. I lent it to him in October 2018, not long after discovering and beginning treatment for my ADHD and receiving my mom's $20,000 life insurance. He didn't even need it. He's a rich Bloods gang member who uses people for his amusement.
6:27 - My thighs are peering and smiling at me. The environment is disintegrating into squares and circles everywhere I look, like the tail end of my DXM+DPH trip. God dammit, these ADHD pitfalls from my addiction to amphetamine are worse and longer lasting than I thought. I whited out like Ash from Pokemon.
6:46 - Eating a Butterfinger and walking toward the TV at an angle, Foxee from Woodland Critters of South Park was shaped like a hummingbird with a long beak like Fearow from Pokemon.
October 1, 2021: The residents know me as "big guy" or "dog". They talk about my dog, but really, they refer to ME as their "dog". At least 50,000 people, or the 5% of Atlanta that is in that gang, messages about me in their group chat.
This guy Mark is also working against me, whether he's from the government or a white member of that gang.
I've been eating 35 mg of amphetamine 4 times per day. I am not going to kill myself. If I die by "suicide", I was set up. If my amphetamine doesn't get here in time, I'm going to eat some MDMA and order more from the USA and from Great Britain.
I remember Sama Doh mentioning going to "Burger King" very suspiciously. There's the South Park Burger King episode. I got sick from eating Burger King chicken nuggets around the time I was sleeping in GT in the library (gang member Tyre was there too). It seems all too convenient. The South Park thing is relevant because it notes things that have happened before. I think a lot of this gang stuff has happened already in Colorado. They have a script or playbook, like making Scream V or something.
Coronavirus and the STD both appeared to have accelerated my neuronal firing rate decline.
I did 3 sets of explosive pushups with no clapping. I pushed myself from the ground back to a standing position like 5 times, a new record for me (my previous was 1).
6:23 p.m. - Still tripping. I could see girls smiling at me like 20 minutes ago. With my eyes closed, I just saw a 35% opacity rainbow snake coiled around a sword with its head at the top. I just measured using two layers in Paint.NET, one black and one with rainbow strands. I backtracked and did this retrospectively for the past month or so.
7:00 p.m. - It's time to eat amp. I just weighed it. I felt a shiver crawl up my spine and my skin feels like its tingling with cold all over, but it was especially on my back and then on my arms just now.
11:57 p.m. - My anime girl wallpaper still twists, slides, and grins at me.
October 2, 2021: I remember I quit my job because, unbeknownst to me, that STD I got from that stripper girl ESi destroyed my mind. Two weeks later, I thought the Indian mafia was coming to kill me for four hours. So I had my knife handy, and I waited with paranoia. I quit my job that day. I think that bitch Britney might have called the cop on me that day. Officer Ramirez and Britney were keen on interrogating me over nothing, so I had to ask to leave. I also changed my number after he asked for it. I think he's corrupt, and I think so are the two black officers who came to see me while I was doing laundry.
4:29 - I just applied to 5 jobs.
5:32 p.m. - I just saw an eye start to rip open in the shirt of one of the pioneers fighting on the ground at the end of Super Fun Time from South Park. Sitting in the dark, I can see rainbow smiles and random lines in the periphery of my laptop screen. There are rainbow water waves and digital patterns morphing on my TV screen.
I asked about the internet again today at about 7:45, but it is still screwed up. Given all the strange issues and the consistency of this Wifi issue, does anyone around me see the organizations actively attempting to screw me over? If anyone around here really cares, why is nothing getting done?
12:36 a.m. - I see my Yuno wallpaper laughing with me as I smoke the bong. Smoking lots of weed still makes me trip balls.
October 3, 2021: I filed a police report about ESA and the Velocity corporations screwing me over with the Wi-Fi programmatically disabling every 30 minutes.
12:15 p.m. - I clutched a 1v6 in Search & Destroy on Modern Warfare. The map was Picadilly, and I was holding the pillars most of that time. I AX-50 quickscoped and sniped 3-4 of them and got the rest with my AUG. I ate like 38-40 mg of amphetamine this time and bumped up my dosage since I'm out. I'll have to eat MDMA today. I don't really want to, but I must if I don't want to regress too much. Don't mention the police report to anyone else. It will incriminate the three people standing in the front lobby at the time.
If you put my dopamine transporter under a microscope, it should look different than a normal person's transporter considering I react negatively to DAT inhibitors like methylphenidate.
I'm not going to try to resolve the Wi-Fi issue anymore. I did my own investigating. I tried to work with the liars. I filed a police report. I've done all I want. Anything more is a waste of my time.
October 4, 2021: I just finally sent this to Ian: And ya know what, next time you lie there with your girlfriend talking about choke slamming and snapping someone's neck while looking at your roommate with those creepy eyes and smiles, go fuck yourself.
It's a little late, but whatever. That was bullshit.
I feel like the government and the gangs are trying to play the game "How much can you take before you give up and do something stupid?" There's a black policeman and a new white guy here named "Mark" who replaced the previous black gang member "Mark". I'm watching Saw right now. It feels all too familiar to my situation. Everyone is watching me and poking me, and there are twinges of help surrounding the detrimental pokes. I'm preparing for them to try to take me down instead of helping me. I can't go back to jail because they'll kill me. So, I'll fight for my right to live. I was born on this planet, so I'll seize it from the previous owners if I have to, a la a new "American Revolution 2.0." There's nowhere to rob except a bank. I'd never get away with it, so I'd have to stand and fight. A bank is a shitty place. No matter what happens, I'd be screwed. They want me to conjure threats of violence or small acts of petty violence like they're putting on me. That way, they can use such things against me. They don't cross that "thin blue line" except when nobody else is around. They then expect me to make a fool of myself and get arrested or killed with no trouble for them. I will not give in to such demands. They listen in the rooms next door to try to find ways to "trigger" me. A fat black lady said outside my Intown Suites door, "At least we know what triggers him." They don't. They really want to find out though. The truth is that I can't be verbally triggered to do anything but leave.
The Wi-Fi has been going off and on every 30 minutes since I got here, whether I pay $30 a month for it or not. It stops doing that for a week here and there. The Velocity company is designed to selectively fuck over the residents of ESA. The employees of ESA selectively fuck over their tenants because they think they can get away with it. They laugh while they lie because it doesn't matter. They can't cover it up. It's very easy to see their lies.
When I got here, a fire truck and an ambulance were outside. A fireman motioned for me to get in the building while he held open the door. Something seemed strange about it. Smoke alarms have been going off periodically. One time, the creepy fat janitor guy with glasses said he was turning it off. When I got back upstairs, a latina lady asked if they were calling the police. That also seemed strange. She might be an illegal, but that doesn't matter to me. I also heard the smoke alarm go off conveniently at 10:57 p.m. one night, not long after I started amphetamine treatment (and I didn't try to hide it). There are some kind of smoke alarm signals like the grocery carts. People are allowed to steal grocery carts because 50%+ of the workers of the grocery stores are gang affiliated. The Boar's Head here sucks ass. Such wonderful chicken should not be ravaged by the throes of gang members.
I just got 28 grams of amphetamine. It looks like Mark changed his name to Tommy.
11:49 - I can see rainbow hydras with heads like Garchomp, Serpent Night Dragon, Salamence, or a combination thereof. Sometimes I see solo dragons. I just smoked weed. I missed 4 amphetamine hits and resumed at 3 p.m. today. No other combinations besides weed. Weed really brings out some hallucinations. It's the amphetamine withdrawal. I keep trying to look for ways that it's not, but the 5-6 a.m. hallucinations again really cemented it, just like when the many rainbow women danced with me, talked to me, and held my hand (although I couldn't feel it).
I remember one time I was on LSD and MDA. I had been jacking off for like 6 hours. Some black people were talking loudly through the wall next to my mattress, which was still o the floor because I hadn't yet received my Amazon bed frame. The fourth floor landing of the stairwell was on the other side of that wall. I don't know what, they said, but I hissed in response, "Shut the fuck up nigger." A guy said, "Now we know." I finished jacking off two hours later, and I never heard from them ever again. It might have been that Larry guy I first met when I was at Solace on Peachtree. He worked security. He kinda had a temper and blurted out "I'm just trying to do my job" once. Anyway, the interesting part is my brain blocked whatever they said from entering into parts of my brain like my hippocampal long term storage and I also think some parts of my prefrontal cortex. I remember Sama Doh's lady roommate Bela said she didn't like me because I called her a "nigger". I had said "nigga" in front of her before, but I think she was referring to this nigger incident.
I'm pretty sure Graham Sharpe works for the government somehow. I think he lied about being poor and stuff. I swear someone in ZBT works for the government. Georgia Tech was also infiltrated easily by the Bloods gang. Now the president is a latino, although that could be a coincidence.
October 6, 2021: Now the Wi-Fi is microstuttering again so that I don't get kicked from MW games. The service appears to be dropping some packets like I noted before.
After checking 2 minutes later in MW, it confirms ESA wifi is dropping 0-1% of my packets now in lieu of the wifi going out for 5 minutes twice per hour.
7:38 p.m. - It looks like even though I took a normal amount of amphetamine (37 mg), my cells aren't cooperating. I'm listening to music instead of playing MW right now. I was searching Future Diary on Gogoanime.pro in my Chrome history, and the green website icon looked like my website's blue brain icon for a couple seconds. I had to hesitate and reassess for a couple seconds before proceeding to click on that correct link.
October 7, 2021: I took 110 mg MDMA last night at 10:00 p.m. Last night was uneventful, but I had decent visuals. My amphetamine high wasn't going well as I was coming up, so I decided to take the MDMA to continue my ADHD treatment that night. Today, I made a high score table for Prophet Launcher and ECS on my website. I started working again because I took MDMA last night. This is explained as another introduction of MDMA with no tolerance as I waited a month to dose.
October 8, 2021: Amphetamine appears to tighten my ear canal. It's easier to get water stuck there in the shower in the morning, even right before my next dose of amphetamine.
8:04 p.m. - I went to the Walgreens just south of ESA to get Hydrogen Peroxide, and some black guy asked me if I needed anything. I clasped my water bottle and hands together, which he gleefully noted. He told me it was in some aisle, which a gang member looking guy was awkwardly moving around in. He put the side of his hand on my chest, and I stopped as it barely touched me. I said, "Please don't touch me." He mumbled some nonsense about talking to that gang member in the middle of that aisle, then directed me to the shelf on his right in the walkway of the store. He never responded to my demand, and he walked away. That was bullshit.
The black/latino gangs intend to screw me out of my money with deceitful corporate practices like tampered vending machines and IT departments dedicated to programmatically and periodically severing my internet connection.
They also want to screw you out of my time by pointing you in the wrong direction in stores and redirecting me to other corporations like ESA->Velocity.
They also want to goad me into being sued, jailed, or killed because my pain is only a pawn for their amusement.
People black/latino gang members have told me they are organizing to exploit:
ADHD people, and if target disabled people, why not disabled children too?
Politically influential people
Elderly folk, especially rich women
Things they wish to organize to do to vulnerable and independent people:
Steal and extort money
Give STD's and other diseases like COVID-19
Premeditated murder through dirty jail needles, STD's, large vehicle "brake failure" (bus hitting car), pedestrian vehicle "accidents", "homeless violence"
Institute a caste system
Selectively and secretly disable/tamper services like internet provision, vending machines, supermarket items
Say things on the street, in stores, or anywhere in passing to try to make vulnerable people go crazy, or goad/convince them to do illegal things. It could be as simple as repeating, "You're crazy", "You're a crazy person", or "You're a violent person".
Places the black/latino gangs appear to control or heavily influence to accomplish their goals of caste systems and dirty money:
Strip clubs - Platinum Strip Club
IT Corporations - Velocity
Job recruitment corporations - Gentile Solutions, kdc/one, Samiti
Motels - Extended Stay America, Intown Suites
Hotels - Solace on Peachtree
Schools - Georgia Tech, Stanford
Fulton County Jail
Atlanta DMV
Burger King next to Intown Suites and GT
The gang members are trying to pretend to be patrons of these places like students of Georgia Tech, inmates of a jail, and workers at a McDonalds. They use someone they have control over or know at these institutions to claim membership. Look out for students who claim to be a student by knowing a student or faculty gang member. Look out for phony jail inmates spying on or attacking other inmates. Watch for alleged workers at fast food restaurants or grocery stores who claim to work there to take advantage of you. Fake patrons in stores may try to grab your attention to amuse themselves and the gang members working the stores, while they use this duality to efficiently move drugs through the community undetected (probably Walgreens). I think the Indians are working with the blacks. They sure do work a lot of convenient stores together. I think certain Pakistanis may be working with them too. It's probably a minority group considering Sama's Pakistani friend Faisal seemed dastardly based on his changes in facial expression when asking me a question. I don't think the Chinese are working with them based on their work with Chinese Uyghurs (chin wiggers).
October 9, 2021: 1:19 p.m. - I see the rainbow letter A when I close my eyes, and there are rainbow smiles in my black Sublime Text editor when I open my eyes. They are of all different sorts like South Park and Future Diary. The opacity of these visuals, open and closed eyes, are mostly about 10% opacity, but some are as high as 17%. Sometimes almost all the visuals are the same opacity, and sometimes most of the visuals are chaotically appearing in my field of vision with different opacities, demonstrating my neurons are not completely changing their firing rates in sync. Smoking increases my visual effects, as usual. It decreases the addictive problem with amphetamine, but not as good as dissociatives. Perhaps my dissociative reaction to cannabis is unique to my ADHD. Unlike other people, I can dissociate completely to stimuli, so it makes sense. Amphetamine is a strong enough addictive chemical to trigger both my amphetamine addiction and inborn ADHD to have issues. I no longer see my wallpaper anime women laughing with me, which is disappointing because I really enjoyed that. Now it's mostly just lines, tiles, and glimmers and slivers of faces, eyes, and mouths. Perhaps in a few days my neuronal firing rates will cyclically tend more back toward 0 than they do now, indicating a greater amplitude of oscillation of my neuronal firing rates.
October 10, 2021: I remember that girl Britney that got me kicked out of Elmwood along with the other 2 people living at Elmwood. She had this black boyfriend who looked like a gang member. I'm pretty sure she was not only into cigarettes but also into cocaine. She was erratic and talked about selling art. Perhaps she was involved with meth instead. She's very skinny and seemed to be hiding something every time I saw her. Anyway, when she called the cops on me for no reason, she and that officer Ramirez seemed concerned with wasting my time. That latina girl Taylor said a few times, "You have my number." I never got her real number. That latino cop Ramirez smiled very heavily when he said, "If I see you go near that door again, you're getting arrested." I suppose he thought I was attracted to that girl Britney. I never was. She is mildly pretty on the outside, but I'd rather be single than with someone like that or the other girl Mary. The last thing that latino officer Ramirez did was get my phone number, which I changed later. I'm almost certain that latino officer Ramirez is involved with Platinum Club and that latino gang just like I'm sure those two black officers who came to Elmwood when Tyre was here are involved with the black gang. Some of the black and latino gangs are obviously coordinated. Everything about that latino officer Ramirez put me off. I'm almost sure he is with that gang.
October 11, 2021: On October 15, 2015 at 5:25 p.m., I remember when Josh and I were flying a drone two GT cop cars came up. They asked us if we flew the drone, and he said then he'd have to shoot it. At some random point when the other cop was talking to my friend Josh, the white cop said he was going to shoot me, and he looked and sounded serious. I think both cops were white, but I don't remember. I remember the white cop saying he was going to shoot me, and then not a word was heard again. I still have the video of Josh flying that drone in the exact spot in the ZBT parking lot, and it's on Google Photos. Josh said after they left, "Dude that cop said he was going to shoot you." Maybe the cops have a dashcam video of the ZBT drone investigation on October 15, 2015.
I think it is also work noting this and other factors indicate the government might conspire to murder me if they find out I actually have the real ADHD. This has concerned me since then and so too have the lies I've been fed since discovering for myself I really have altered DNA with ADHD in summer 2017. I also think that about those gangs, moreso because they've really acted to hinder me, whereas the government has been completely hands off insofar as I can see, telling only the occasional small fib. The people beckoning me to the trunks of cars was kinda weird. The fact I was having hallucinations from the MDA creating a chemical imbalance with my addiction and ADHD complicates this. I'm only like 95% sure what I saw was real. There's some nagging feeling that perhaps I imagined that too, considering I saw realistic cholinergic hallucinations in the TV at 6 a.m.
For now, it's important to note any strange things here, but focus on finding a job and pushing out a new version of Prophet Launcher with a new video demo.
I'm also concerned organizations including gangs and the government might want to force me into a live of servitude or poverty by forcing me to fight a losing battle with money by working for less than I can live on giving my living options are limited.
Inkscape blur uses 48 Alpha, 5 blur radius, -9 h offset and 12.3 v offset.
I'm 99% sure they also decreased the volume of the TV around the time I heard those two fat black ladies walking down the hall with one saying, "He needs to shut up" while there was a loudly crying baby next door that sounded fake since I don't ever normally hear that. It's probably a YouTube video of a baby crying.
Now, mysteriously, I went to restore all my tabs, and itch.io and josephcantrell.org were both missing from my saved tabs. Weird, just like when both went down last winter. Also, I'm sure people are still talking about me in MW. Someone mentioned Mark in S&D, and someone else really seemed to hammer on not opening red doors in Warzone, but he sounded like he was being annoyingly and seriously metaphorical. This is some bullshit. I want to get away from everyone and move to a house the suburbs of Seattle.
October 11, 2021: I remember these two black ladies in this SUV pulled up to me when I was walking my dog and fake asked me for directions like that guy asking me about the Walmart. I think they wanted to run over my dog because they started to back out when I was right next to them with my dog, and they looked like they wanted to hurt him, just like that bitch Sama Doh and just like that caramel colored bitch who hit me with her SUV with the biggest toothy grin then fled.
All of these things I've been writing completely justify my paranoia and general distrust of the intentions of my peers over the past 14 months and for the remaining three months I'll survive on my remaining savings. The gang and government would enslave me to a long life of unending servitude on the brink of economic and mental failure for the next 60 years. This could be in jail or as a sharecropper in the Atlantian Nigger Society's community garden.
1:17 - After smoking 2.5 bowls of weed just now, I can see a rainbow smile. I see the letter e on the end of "see" fluttering an equal diameter rainbow trail or wing off the tip of it. Rainbow lines are fluttering around in position and opacity, and they have lengths of 0-3 centimeters. The crooked 3 line rainbow smile I saw in my blanket while I was smoking was like .3 meters long. I can't justify smoking this much weed when I could just play CoD and work on my art. I just need to finish this anime girl, make some other small tweaks, make a video, then upload Prophet Launcher 4.4.
11:21 p.m. - Looking back, I think 4-HO-MET wasn't addictive, but I was still in the midst of amphetamine addiction. Perhaps not. I would know for sure after using it more. I might get more one day considering its on par with acid in terms of how much I like using it. If I find out it's addictive, I'd never use it again. 4-HO-MET sucked, so I'd never want to be addicted to a psychedelic again, unless it could somehow mediate my ADHD and replace amphetamine, which 4-HO-MET cannot do.
12:04 p.m. - I could feel a small disc an 2 cm in diameter and .5 cm thick pulsating and vibrating back and forth along the .5 cm width in a way that felt good but amazed me in a weird way. Now my head kinda hurts a little at the center of where that was vibrating. It hurts in a section shaped like a small spherical dot 1-2 mm in diameter. My body will adjust properly soon. There are improvements that take a long time to develop. It takes me 3 months to make my cells remember basically anything.
October 12, 2021: I still don't know why I bought this Sony Bluetooth pill speaker. At first it was for some incomprehensible reason from eating MDA after amphetamine. Then it was to expose the Walmart employees, and then it was to make my "war dance" and "propaganda machine" come to life.
6:45 p.m. : I went to walk my dog, and two hand carts as tall as me are tucked away completely blocking the hallway entrance to the stairs. Some black guy comes out of the elevator at the same time.
7:50 p.m. : I saw a shimmering rainbow dragon curled around and facing to the left, opening its mouth to envelope the entire height of my open eyed vision in a 90% opacity blob of rainbow colors, a very light end of the rainbow spectrum where every color is closer to white, so every RGB value is greater than 200 to form all such combinations including white, RGB=255-255-255. I measured with Paint.NET. The mouth parts were ~5 cm in diameter and like a crocodile's jaws. The dragon's eye was a triumphantly glaring sliver.
8:30 p.m. : The visuals peaked then. I actually quit CoD after playing for 5 minutes because I didn't want to play anymore. The visuals have only decreased since 7:50.
October 13, 2021: I remember at Verizon Connect that asshole Paul yelled, "Sass? Take care of yourself Joseph!" He loudly yelled it and looked both ways while giggling. Teja was walking away and said nothing. He knows something, whether its about my time at ZBT or about the dangers of amphetamine withdrawal/ADHD and MDA. I think Verizon Connect is an agency the government uses to spy on citizens it thinks are dastardly, akin to China's social credit system where you can only get jobs the government trusts you enough to take. That means you can only work heavily monitored jobs where the FBI can walk in at any time pretending to be an employee (Som). Teja is definitely involved with the FBI or that gang, most likely the gang because NONE of her actions were for the greater good. Som didn't look too friendly with her. He was definitely there to interview me.
I hate reading all these lies for job applications like EagleView: I panic easily. I am full of ideas. I will not probe deeply into a subject. I get angry easily. I carry the conversation to a higher level.
Here's some of the cognitive assessment answers. One was about helping a friend move across town. The shape that didn't belong among a bunch was a black plus sign. Also the next pattern in a series was itkd. These questions and answers were not generated by an artificial intelligence. There's nothing wrong with them. It's really just gibberish.
Why am I doing this second grade English, math, and ethics to get a job when I have 16 years of education beyond that?
10:04 p.m. - I've not written this down, but I think the mechanisms by which DOC and MDA invented smells in my brain are similar. Perhaps not though since their are multiple ways to make yourself feel hungry. Perhaps there is only one way, and the rest of the ways target that one type of neuron by firing signals downstream.
The guy who sold me PCP seemed like he knew the people of Platinum Club would try to screw me. "You seem like the guy who would be telling everyone what's going on." "Oh, so I should come up in there with you then?" He also drove me to a dead end, waited for me to realize, then turned around to go back to my actual house. He drove a big truck, and I went to the Wells Fargo with him. God dammit. Yeah, I wanted PCP and not stalkers.
October 14, 2021: I saw a black nurse pause two doors down from me while I entered my room. Suspicious, considering I was jabbed with a dirty needle by that old fat black nurse at the Fulton County Jail 3 years ago. It kinda reminds me of that movie Saw II or The Poor Kid from South Park. I don't have many other references. I assume they've tried it before. Perhaps that's what this latino cop Ramirez meant when he said, "If I see you go to that door again, you're getting arrested." That girl Britney has a skinny black boyfriend who looks like a gang member (shades, smokes cigarettes, and probably does coke with Britney). Weird. There's nothing wrong with love, but gang driven fuckery isn't on my plate. These gang members intend to target vulnerable rich women and men to leech from them. They're becoming more fervid as their numbers grow. There must be a greater deterrent. Perhaps the body camera idea (child tracker like in South Park shitty wall) really is a good idea. I'm against it as I'd rather just use my phone and play a game while it records in the background. People know what phones can do already. Hold your phone and use it: that's the mantra I'll follow when I exit my house.
4:00 - I went to Publix just south of 905 Crestline Pkwy ESA to get their famous 3 piece mixed meal chicken. I ate the whole thing. Standing in line behind 3 people, some black lady tried to lie and cut in front of me for the amusement of the black and latino workers and patrons. I told her no and received no challenge, showing her recognition of her lie. Nobody said a word, but I commented more, "I see." I thought I was recording, but my app fucked up. No matter. I went for candy again, and again, they're out of the good buy one get one free's. Also, there were two short, bulky, mean-looking latino fellows walking around looking for nothing and obviously trying to deal drugs. They just kept walking around the candy and produce section not looking for food. I loudly mentioned this at the register, minus my suspicion they're dealing drugs, just like Walgreens.
Like that South Park episode Die Hippie, Die, I think 589 Elmwood was designed to keep me in that basement and watch me. I was being recorded at Solace on Peachtree because was jamming out to some damn good music, and my professor "Gary" was gone. Gary (Sonnett?), which might have been a fake name. The TA was there, and he looked serious. Everyone looked solemn and nobody looked at me. It was very different, but I never did anything wrong. Nobody said a damn word.
Given our country is so good, the United States of America needs to switch to a very limited, more Japanese style of immigration. America needs a Great Wall along the Mexican border, and it also needs a canal to prevent tunneling and foster trade.
Those god damn motherfucking lies (personality assessment items) which I'm forced to read for job applications like "I am a liar" make me pissed off because they're reinforcing negative attitudes whereas a question would not do so.
That fucking clinic where I got my COVID-19 test done back in June 2020 and took too much blood is awful. I paid there after they deducted my insurance and stuff. I asked if I needed to pay anything else and left. Then they had the nerve to send a fake bill to 589 Elmwood DR NE. That's bullshit. The white doctor threatened to call the cops on me when I came to get a COVID-19 test. That's bullshit. The black nurse took too much blood and said she didn't know how much she took. WTF.
This shit cannot go on. I don't know what to do about an STD test. I'll need to find a doctor I'm sure isn't affiliated with any gang. Fuck that shit. I'ma have to do some asking around to find a good one. I don't know where to ask. Georgia Tech, Solace on Peachtree, Intown Suites, and ESA are all fucked. Everywhere I've gone in Atlanta has been controlled by these fucking gangs except 589 Elmwood DR NE, and I think a gang member eventually became Britney's boyfriend. Some latinos also rented the motherfucking suite upstairs just to spy on me. That guy who sold me the PCP did ask if he could come up into my house. I told him no.
Infernight 1.7 notes:
Added a subtle floating animation to the Essence milestones
Added the option to invert the camera over the half pi axis to reverse the direction of play
Added a fullscreen/windowed toggle to more easily play in the background
Improved the RGBA color picker theme in line with Prophet Launcher 4.4
Imported controller support from Prophet Launcher (tested with an Xbox One controller)
Optimized my initial (Button->Label) node structures to just (Button)
Engine update to Godot 3.3.4
10:36 p.m. - I just got a 360 quickscope in S&D. It was about as clean (not stopping to shoot) as my PCP one about 14 months ago.
12:41 a.m. - It is now 12:42 a.m., and I thought I saw a cockroach on the wall. It was not. I felt like I was being surrounded by invisible and sliding shapes of enemies, tall and small, rainbow and shadowed. The carpet monsters appeared to surface as I looked below in my chair. "Nooo, stay awayyyy," I joked as I curled up in my chair. Some white swirls of light were curling up at me from the Breezy hairs on my floor. These ten or so tendrils of light, mostly a 60-90% opacity white trail 0-5 cm in diameter, were fringed with rainbow. There was a really big one to my left, and encroaching critters/tendrils of shadows and rainbows coming from the floor. It was a lot to take in at one.
12:48 p.m. - I went to pay, and it looks like an cop wearing body armor and stuff came into ESA in an unmarked car (I saw it pull up out my window before leaving my room). The guy working the desk seemed nervous. He mentioned getting video footage from outside. I think the connection between ESA and the gang activity is being investigated.
2:55 p.m. - Some line visuals going down my entire vision are present. I really like the natural dissociative effects I get.
I just remembered, I remember some latina chick yelled, "Why, why?" outside the Intown Suites late at night. It was strange. I don't think I hallucinated that. I think they knew about the MDA problem, and they were simply wanting me to fail. Perhaps nitrous held the key I was missing. It doesn't matter what other tool held the key. I need a tool which will hold all the keys to the door of my mind.
2:17 a.m. - I am not having a super fun time at ESA, which is kinda like Super Fun Time from fucking South Park. I actually don't mind approaching the hole of my glutamate receptors.
October 16, 2021: 8:07 a.m. - In addition to the wall and moat/canal along the Mexican border, we need the educate the population to actually support American values using envelope pushing art like South Park and rigorous, secular education systems. This will prevent foreign gangs and Al Qaeda or Somalia loving terrorists from coming here to try to fuck everything up.
Someone in that gang sent me a "black diamond", a hard brown rock 1g of "MDMA", which appeared to be contaminated with meth. I can't prove it, but something was off about it, and when I took a drug test, I tested positive for meth, which couldn't have happened from having a condom break during sex with Taylor. This was through the mail, so I finally completely stopped ordering domestic drugs.
The government wants to watch me. Perhaps they want to send some faggot to be my roommate and keep an eye on me. That gang sent Tyre to spy on me. Perhaps Lucas Greenway is like Duey from Scream (Do E). He asked to sleep here for a day. I told him he could sleep on the floor for $10, and maybe buy some weed. He can't sleep longer than that. I will not let the jews drip feed me shit. I will accept a female girlfriend and that's it. There will be no more friends until I get a girlfriend. It doesn't matter to me. I want to keep my circle small, and I want it to basically just be my girlfriend and myself. She could monogamously do whatever, but I'm more of an introvert.
Something was super fishy about that guy Rick Davis who was my old manager. He said he had ADHD. He was lying. I'm not sure why. I think he was placed there to observe me, sorta like Som. There are so many people watching me because I have ADHD, but none of them give me anything but a crock of lies and paranoia.
It really is quite awful to think those watching and taunting from afar would like to imprison, malnourish, and bludgeon my brain and body for the next sixty odd years using vast amounts of people, wealth, technology, and corporations.
That Sama guy seemed very preoccupied with telling me that I have a "lab". Given he was working with Faisal, I think it's rational to assume perhaps the Bloods gang does want to get nuclear weapons in conjunction with some radical group of Pakistanis.
12:40 p.m. - They've been slowly remodeling the room next door, 414, since about 10:30 a.m. They stopped at like 10:55 when I started watching the South Park episode about Joseph Smith. I can hear them banging on shit with a hammer or something. They're weird like that. It's probably a standard routine from their "Book of Red" to fuck with me. A while ago, that black guy who works in the lobby who was asked for the outside tape by that police officer yesterday mentioned construction workers rent rooms here. I'm sure he was referencing the latinos threatening people and using this to sell drugs and whores. I'm pretty sure they were originally working on 416, the room next door that workers use to spy on me. Perhaps they can see through this mirror, some hole in the wall, a camera in the corner, or even a microphone under the bed like Sama Doh's spider nest under his bed and Mercedes' Spiderman joke which I just finally asked her not to do yesterday. The Wi-Fi started acting really weird around
I'm still amazed that my trust was so little in my coworkers that when they left from work for COVID-19, and I came back after missing a couple days after quitting amphetamine, I thought the virus and everyone leaving was a hoax to just make a big joke on me. Nobody even told me anything.
Gangs actively recruit people from the DMV. When I walked to the Atlanta DMV back in December/January of 2017/2018, there was a Bloods gang member with over $100,000 in jewelry on him. He talked to me for a while about playing GTA V and Mortal Kombat (he really liked Scorpion.). He left after saying he was going to smoke a J. Strange. He probably knew me. Perhaps not. Either way, I do believe they are actively trying to recruit people from the DMV and make non-gang members' lives harder.
I remember two Indian people were playing ping pong in the 18th floor lounge at Verizon Connect. They looked, smiled, and talked like they were coked out like the guys who kept saying my GPS calculations were wrong then admitted I was right and asked if I saw what he was saying. One said, "We don't need to play hostage right?"
I remember when I took Breezy to the vet Ark Animal Hospital, a black dude doctor told me that I have to neuter him before age 4-5 to prevent cancer. It's a god damned lie. I can't find anything about it googling things like, "should you neuter a German shepherd to prevent cancer before age 5". I find a ton of evidence neutering actually causes cancer, and nothing mentioning cancer in German shepherd dogs being prevented by neutering them.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5645870/
https://www.ucdavis.edu/news/early-neutering-poses-health-risks-german-shepherd-dogs
I'm almost sure he's working for the gang. Who does some shit like that? I know they have records of my dog going in there, so I'm sure that guy can be found. He can always lie and say he didn't do that though. There may be security cams in the dog waiting room. If not, whatever.
The Wi-Fi started acting really weird around 4:00, so I took a video and even walked around every floor of ESA to prove nobody cared and nobody was affected by the same Wi-Fi issue. All of the janitors were on my floor hanging out at exactly the time I walked out videoing. I bet that fat janitor with the glasses is the one who went into my room without permission and didn't say anything. He was standing right down the hall doing nothing when I walked out. The latinos were there too. It's very eerie.
5:39 p.m. - I just got Windscribe VPN for $2/month. I entered my email since it doesn't actually matter how secure I am. I just need to torrent AC3, Amnesia, etc. so I don't have to listen to these niggers and Mexicans trying to fuck me around every corner.
6:30 p.m. - On the way back from walking my dog in the Cox forest next to ESA, some black guy pulled up to turn out of the apartment complex just south of ESA. He yelled out "hey" to me, so I yelled, "WHAT?" I got no response. He pretended nothing happened and kept looking forward. He was wearing shades. I don't remember anything else. It's not the end of the world, but it is another example of these fucks being really annoying.
9:37 p.m. - I've made up my mind to never get Breezy neutered after researching it today. I made up my mind earlier, but I'm writing it down because it's a lack of action to which I need to adhere over his lifetime, and this helps commit more pieces related to this decision to memory, allowing their easy access.
October 17, 2021: I need to make sure my car insurance company is actually good. There were shady Mexicans walking around taking pictures outside ESA today. Other times they've been looking at their phones and other shady, fake shit.
Holy shit, I think this BCC Background Camera Service background camcorder app is compromised. Some key videos I needed failed to save correctly. It's probably owned by the Bloods. It has a red eye slashed out for its logo. There was some Mexican guy in an orange shirt talking on his phone next to his car, but my video of him never saved. Also, the screen was blacked out in part of my video recording that captured him sitting down talking on the phone outside his car.
This girl Taylor has a black cat tattoo on her leg that's a girl upside down. The girl ESi has a tramp stamp on her that's symmetrical green tribal pointy tendrils or something.
6:23 p.m. - I had to take my dog back outside so he could shit since he ate late, and this Mexican guy was coming up the stairs. He greeted me, I returned it, and then he said, "Farewell."
6:54 p.m. After smoking a couple bowls, I saw a white spark fall down near my laptop to the ground. I was standing a meter away from my laptop. It disappeared as it touched the ground! Lit.
7:41 p.m. - I don't trust these Indian run corporations like Google and Microsoft anymore. Look at what their products have become. They're full of glitches and new annoyances that never, ever get fixed. Does Bill Gates even use Windows anymore? Does that Google guy still even use Google?
11:31 p.m. - Looking at my phone on the bed, I saw the album art of Her Monologue by Issues turn into a dragon with the same colors plus my favorite turquoise. Fancy. It did that again like 10 seconds later. I'm making some typing mistakes. I just did that sentence pretty flawlessly though (not this one, two mistakes!).
I switched from Google Search to Qwant search. It all around gives me the best search results for "i'll show you what I've known all this time" queried without quotes. It gives me the most unbiased, most accurate, and most uncensored (another form of bias) results when I also search for "pcp" and "phencyclidine".
October 18, 2021: Some huge black guy walked up to the door at the same time as this old white lady walking inside. He sloppily opened the door yelled loudly to a black lady standing just inside the door blocking the doorway. He abnormally and forcefully yelled, "I need to get something from my trunk!" He sounded rather derogatory just like the black pimp looking guy who told his black girl, "Hold the door open for him" as I walked by with my dog, holding the door open for me after they had already exited. Now, this woman just in the doorway has the expression that she is some sort of observer. Anyway, it's just like when I complained to Mercedes a couple days about the Wifi again. She was talking on the phone in speaker mode at the lobby desk, and screamed, "I don't want to hear it." Then she acted like nothing had happened, as expected. I said, "Oh, I'll just let you do your thing then." She gave a peculiar smile, and then I left. When I first got to ESA, not only was she calling me Spiderman and shit because she's in that gang with Sama and Intown Suites, but she said, "We have to make sure we get it right with you because you might come back for us." Anyway, these people are fucked in the head. They're trying to influence me to do as they do in their lies and siren calls. I will not be swayed by disgusting gang member women. This is why we need to thin their influx of numbers with a wall and moat, and use rigorous school education to slowly destroy their group. Soon it won't be two niggers blocking the door; it will be two niggers, two Mexicans, and two Indian shits who will ALL have to check your asshole before you're allowed inside or outside your house, every fucking day. Lol, it's probably an aggressive drug push. Soon, they'll have mandatory bathroom asshole checks and home metal detectors for whites only. They must be stopped. Anyway, the thing I really take issue with is treating your lady friend that way.
I won't forget that the government wants to assume I'm a lifeless meth addict and lure me into their trunk to perform sick twisted experiments on me. Don't forget, the gangs want me to be that, and they also want to cast me as that like the government, albeit more forcefully.
They'll try to lead me to believe there is a cure for the DNA that has even dramatically altered the shape of my dopamine transporter neuron cells. Do not listen to a word from these god-fearing heathens.
8:23 p.m. - About a year ago in some deleted entry due to the amphetamine-MDA fiasco, I smoked some DMT a couple days after quitting amp, and I saw a giant rainbow Titanite Demon (Dark Souls) sort of figure come into my CEV and point at me to mock me and then encourage me.
October 19, 2021: 11:46 p.m. - I paid early today, Tuesday, to avoid regular timings by these fuckers at ESA. The internet is still going down, and it's going down more frequently and for longer since yesterday. I'm downloading stuff so I don't have to use the internet. What if there was another important thing like COVID or something? This whole place is designed to make me paranoid and fuck up my life. I hate these people. I want to leave to Seattle ASAP.
I think Vyvanse should be banned because it makes people dopamine-heavy annoyances. It creates an imbalance that makes them lazy leeches. I think dextroamphetamine be banned for medical use unless absolutely necessary because of this imbalance. Just about everyone could use Adderall which is 25% levoamp or something like 10%, 5% levoamp, etc. My point is that this balancing is necessary to prevent people like Teja from becoming a reality. I know what chemical imbalances are capable of doing. Just because amphetamine has a dopamine limiting system unlike meth doesn't mean the dopamine push without other neuronal effects can have disastrous consequences where the user just wants to fuck people over instead of making things better.
My dog took another shit about 10 feet, deliberately pulling me back a bit to shit in front of it. I'm sure it was someone who has malicious intentions. My dog is pretty smart. It was a pretty big truck, so I'm sure it's one of those big time drug dealers. The engine was running very loudly the whole time. It was in the same spot a few times before. I'm sure it's a decently big black or latino dealer. The truck is to look intimidating. It doesn't scare anyone. It just shows how much money this person wastes.
October 20, 2021: Okay, it looks like someone has seen my complaint about the Atlantino Nagger Society. I posted it in a comment on my website, and then said that once on Modern Warfare in the text chat. I only played one game lol. It was 5 am last night, and I woke up after passing out at like 10 p.m. This was unusual, and it was from my ADHD. My cells aren't made to change so easily.
I decided to not do the Zachary Fleischman interview with EagleView. I'm sure it's another bullshit company. This was the cancellation message:
Canceled: Joseph Cantrell and Zach Flâ€¦
From Google Calendar
This event has been canceled.
Event Name: Test and Phone Call
We will be retaking the cognitive assessment on Zoom, followed by a short phone call afterwards. Audio and Video is required.
Retaking my ass. Fuck that shit.
First and foremost, I want to earn money to sustain a good lifestyle. Aside from that, I'm working to create my own small, independent business through the use of the decently novel video game market. Working with Mailchimp can teach me a lot about small businesses and their day to day operations, and with Mailchimp's area of expertise in marketing small businesses can help me grow my own and secure my independent monetary future.
With no luck in Atlanta, I've applied to these jobs located in Seattle: Mailchimp, Axon, DocuSign, Olive, Hiya Inc., Rover.com, Carbon Robotics, CyberCoders, Protingent, Ookla, Syllable, Galileo Financial Technologies, PayScale, Snap Inc.
Optello looks like bullshit. I cant wait to get this call, call it whory:
Looking forward to receiving your resume through our website and going over the position with you. Clicking apply is the best way to apply, but you may also:
Colette.Hory@Optello.com
Please do NOT change the email subject line in any way. You must keep the JobID: linkedin : CH-1649590 -- in the email subject line for your application to be considered.***
Colette Hory - Principal Recruiter - Optello
Hiya called me back at 6:50 p.m. It was a woman, and she was bullshitting me. She said she didn't think I'd be a good fit for the role, asked me to resummarize what I've been working on over the past year, and wasn't keen on giving me straight answers.
9:20 p.m. - I just applied for an easy apply LinkedIn job at Axion BioSystems.
11:49 p.m. - This isn't the first time I've thought this, but I'm paranoid I could be set up to die on a downed plane or some shit. When I saw how they were lining people up at the DMV with the gang members everywhere watching, I was very creeped out. Also, my manager Atul Suri was very creepy when he said grinning, "Oh, but he doesn't fly."
October 21, 2021: 10:12 a.m. - I applied to Take Two in Seattle. It smells like ass water at the bottom of the ESA stairwell. I remember one time I held my stomach out on the Goliath so the safety harness wasn't all the way secured, and then I could float out of my seat at the apexes of the ride. I floated up an uncomfortable amount and almost slipped out, so I received a jolt of hyperawareness in what I suppose was a very small amount of adrenaline (not enough to noticeably impact time).
11:51 a.m. - I just applied to GE Digital (remote work) and DoorDash.
I'm a big proponent of occasional food delivery to the comfort of one's home, so working to further that future enthralls me. I've been creating my own Android apps since 2016, and I'm self taught, so I have a lot to contribute to the DoorDash enterprising effort. Coordinating databases and REST servers in conjunction with user interfaces programming, I'm a dedicated, full stack software engineer.
I just applied to Accela, MentorWorks, and NewsBreak, and Oracle.
October 22, 2021: I finally got the employees Extended Stay America on video lying about the internet. Extended Stay America and their partner IT company Velocity have been trying to screw me in every way possible. At 905 Crescent Pkwy, Atlanta, GA, 30328, the internet is programmed to cut out every 30 minutes for me and me alone. It has been doing this since I moved in 6 months ago. The employees all lie about everything and are heavily involved with the heavy gang presence sleeping right outside. Here is the proof.
Why don't I move out? I have ADHD, and while trying to plant a community garden using dog crap, I was kicked out of the gang infested Solace on Peachtree using a lie readily available on the internet in my court history. After that, the government lied about my ADHD medication, also available in another court document online. After that, I was sent to gang infested Fulton County Jail and given a dirty needle making my arm hurt all night. This has to be stopped.
3:45 p.m. - I went to Arby's, and the black lady behind the counter was too busy lying to me about the half pound order I was trying to get. I'm sure they are selling drugs out of the Arby's just south of ESA and next to the Publix. On the way back, I was handing out flyers walking down the street, and a white runner guy said, "On your left," but approached from my right. I yelled "AAAA" and turned to the right to see what I thought was an attacker from a gang.
10:01 p.m. - I see a rainbow Volcarona envelop my open eyed vision (OEV). It's very nice. Earlier I made a flier describing gang violence and lies against me.
10:23 p.m. - I'm super hungry and very quickly metabolizing, so I'm eating spaghetti.
12:35 a.m. - The visuals mostly subsided until just now when the periphery of my vision splattered with some red color. Now I see dragon mouths opening up in Sublime Text as I type this. Some of them are rainbow, and some of them realistically morph from my laptop screen and bezel.
October 24, 2021: I snorted 35 mg of MDMA at 11:45 p.m. last night, and now it's 1:24 a.m. About 30 minutes ago, I saw a rainbow Taylor-like woman looking at me into my even more proud mom facing to the left which smoothly withered into a skeleton and then faded away into strands of color.
October 25, 2021: I just put up about 30 flyers on telephone poles and called the ESA corporate to report the employees here. That's all I can do except do the same thing again and go to the police if that doesn't work.
5:39 p.m. - I've been watching rainbow dragons and such for the past hour or so. My vision is pretty fragmented, but I'm still typing and thinking very clearly, succinctly, and quickly. I didn't make a single mistake on that sentence, or this one. For inhibiting cancer, they should investigate giving children a sort of small booster shot with CBD and other helpful chemicals. A kid I knew in kindergarten died of cancer. It was pretty sad, but my mom dying of cancer was definitely way sadder.
9:33 p.m. - I see serpent night dragon curling up over and over. Now, after typing that, I see a Chinese smiley emote. These are all rainbow, of course. I'm making great progress, but I've been making farther dips due my addiction than I thought would occur. Nevertheless, I shall overcome such things soon enough. I saw an entire faceless rainbow witch riding a broom transform into dark magician girl's closeup face smiling at me, which is reappearing and zooming in and out. I saw spikes erupt from the top left of my phone, but they were realistically extended from my phone's material like its case and screen. It doubled my phone's length, but only extended the top left quarter of the phone It was super cool. There wasn't much if any visible rainbow stuff there, unlike what I'm seeing even now. They were vibrant and completely opaque sometimes. The shifts of imagery were happening on a variable timer of milliseconds to about two seconds of time.
10:42 p.m. - This round of visuals was longer and more intense than the past couple weeks. It takes time to change my cells to do what I want. The visuals are basically over now even after smoking a bunch. Earlier today when I was walking around, it wasn't that intense, but I wasn't really smoking.
October 26, 2021: 12:42 p.m. - It's maddening to say this, but I feel rather calm. I feel like I'm waiting for the government and Bloods gang to decide they want to kill me. I'll never let them do it. I also don't ever intend to kill myself, though I've faced such challenges before. I called 911 today to report ESA, and it's not recorded in my call log, so I'm writing this down here. I'm talking to Marquesia. 30248057 is my case number for ESA. I asked her to add my website https://josephcantrell.org to the report. She said the situation would be resolved in two days, and I would receive a call about it.
4:33 p.m. - I just did a set and super set of explosive pushups. I can do pushups from the ground to standing position multiple times now. My abilities have been improving. I saw 6 white inch-long Infernight sparks fly across my field of vision from the outside toward the center. They flew in succession, entering one at a time and disappearing in less than half a second. The entire ordeal lasted 2 seconds.
7:58 p.m. - I remember that black guy at the front lobby of ESA, Mark, gave me one quarter that didn't fit the laundromat machines. I told him it was probably machined wrong and brought it back for a return. They could be counterfeiting too.
October 27, 2021: This is the only part of the journal that is "real" for "legal" purposes. I do not consent for any samples of my body to be used for research or science to search for a cure for this unknown STD or any complications arising from the inaction of my peers. My body must be cremated, and the ashes may be scattered back to the Earth. Because of the massive stalking surrounding me, everything must be done by a WHITE DOCTOR not affiliated with the military or any sort of gang. Because I have no familial support, all my possessions are to be destroyed for security purposes, and all my money is to pay for upkeep of my website server and domain https://josephcantrell.org. Much like this episode of South Park, I don't wish to be some primitive Eichmannian experiment for the U.S. government and Bloods. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenny_Dies
Once I discovered 3-MeO-PCP was keeping that STD at bay, I've suspected the government or criminal organizations might want to infect my body with another virus and study my cells. This was back in September when I became sure what had been going on with the STD and my ADHD since July 14, 2020. I wrote this down before, but it was deleted by my MDA fiasco. I'm 99% sure the PCP site 2 is responsible for inhibiting the STD, whatever it might be. I can somehow naturally stop utilizing this site to overcome some limitations of other systems of my body. I can utilize the PCP site 2 to enhance my adrenal powers to push even harder by removing action potentials leading to inhibiting neurons in the body like certain serotonin receptors and some reuptake transporter neurons. Perhaps it would prevent the reuptake of adrenaline. Adrenaline overrides the PCP2 system since my 3-MeO-PCP visuals disappeared when it hit back at Verizon. Apparently it is in some ways a worthy evolutionary enhancement.
Negative effects I've thought to attribute to 3-MeO-PCP during my combination with amphetamine are now null. The night time head pain only occurred after two months of using amphetamine in combo with 3-MeO-PCP. I now attribute this phenomenon to complex amphetamine withdrawal in combo with my ADHD. I still also attribute the bladder and kidney problems to this combo, as I haven't had more issues from my usage. I do intend to continue to use 3-MeO-PCP to enhance my life about four years from my last use. It enabled me to make massive strides without any noticeable long term negative cost. The only long term effect I notice is the positive mood I trained myself to embrace. 3-MeO-PCP is great for building positive habits in the face of addiction. I don't know if it helps all addicts, but it could also help opioid and GABA addicts. I think it would help everyone by restricting the neural action potentials in the nucleus accumbens.
I've suspected the government or Bloods might attempt to infect me with cancer or another STD and then kill me to study my cells. There's no way some organizations would care about aborted fetal tissue since it is against their "values", thus I rationalize they would simply kill me for my cells. Why would anyone wait this long just to keep observing me? I walked 3 miles to the strip club every time, and I walk all over this town. Soooo many people know what's going on and won't tell me.
October 28, 2021: 8:30 a.m. - The Tommy guy told me racketeering people at ESA "are done with me", and my racketeering complaint "doesn't matter" because the district manager doesn't care. I'm going to call again and escalate it again because I expected this to happen. This Tommy person keeps trying to swindle me by making me check out and kicking me out onto the street. This is the third day in a row he's said that. These people just don't want everyone to know they're assholes because they won't keep getting away with it.
10:20 a.m. - I applied to Cloudflare, EA, Adobe, Bluehawk Consulting, LinkedIn, in Seattle.
1:58 p.m. - I confirmed nothing has changed with the landlord-tenant relationship after staying here for almost 8 months now. https://consumered.georgia.gov/ask-ed/2020-04-21/extended-stay-hotel-evictions
7:03 p.m. - I saw an Amazon box black label transform into a darker version of Beary from South Park.
10:00 p.m. - I'm not 100% sure on this one, but it seems like my sensitivity to sound is also still oscillating. I had to get hydrogen peroxide for my ear canals which had become narrower (and maybe they still are this way).
October 29, 2021: Today, I applied to BitTitan, Newsbreak, and Seagull Scientific in Bellevue, WA. It's stupid shit bullet points like this all over the job market that piss me off: mjp123. What the fuck does that mean, and why is it at the end of the job advertisement for KellyMitchell Group, right after "Strong analytical and creative problem solving skills".
I applied anyway to KellyMitchel Group, even though I don't want to work with Wordpress or liars. Nobody writes and posts that on purpose. Why is the entire country going to shit?
In Olympia, WA, just south of Seattle, I've applied to StorageDefender, Coderrect, Confidential, XOKind, Science and Medicine Group, and Gopuff.
5:15 p.m. - Two days late, Accela called me with some white woman. Her name is allegedly Nikita Gupta Rihal. She lied about rescheduling my interview to 10 a.m. the next day, which was such bullshit. I never rescheduled, and I never received any such call. I don't know what the work industry has become, but it has become full of excess shit. It's best to put people to work in scientific and creative industries rather than create a shit ton of corporations (shiterations).
I've already applied to Newsbreak, but it's fine; I'm sure it won't break the news.
9:57 p.m. - The internet went down again at 9:26 and 9:56, so I'm sure they're cycling the internet fuckery program again. I don't see it in the wlan report, but whatever.
The internet completely dropped at 10:40 p.m. I just watched Halloween 2 again and then Halloween Kills. Rob Zombie had some interesting parts, especially with the Mexican dude saying "take it easy". Lol. I originally watched that in 2009. Halloween Kills absolutely kills Halloween from 2019, so I suppose the writer(s) set themselves up for that one. The girl at the end was super cute.
October 30, 2021: I haven't lifted weights since September 2020. I can't wait to lift weights again to build muscle, relieve some stress, and keep healthy. Everywhere I go, it's always this "Joseph's gonna kill someone", "Joseph's a bad person", or any derivation of such things. This is so shit. I need to get to Seattle, where more people know better than to play psychopathy.
9:22 p.m. - I'm drying my laundry. I see a little anime Japanese girl with black hair shaped like a Japanese South Park girl. She is speaking absolute gibberish "Japanese", likely a combination of previous Japanese syllables I've heard spoken in feminine tongues. She moves very choppily at a rate of .5-2 frames per second.
October 31, 2021: The internet went out at 3:34 and 4:04 p.m. I'm generating WLAN reports and duplicating them on my server. netsh wlan show wlanreport
4:39 p.m. - I was just listening to Elephants by Our Last Night, and the chorus is "I let you get away, so cleanly." Breezy drops his bone from his mat, and it rolls onto the floor two feet away. He stares for a second, then rises and drags it back onto the mat to resume chewing. This was fantastically coincidental, or perhaps my dog is poking at my comedown from amphetamine. It is likely the latter.
7:27 p.m. - I just applied to UP Talent Group and iHeartMedia.
November 1, 2021: I just applied to my first job on Indeed. Perhaps there is some sick joke about LinkedIn being half social media so they deny people jobs based on that sick joke. I just started applying on Indeed instead. I applied to Indeed, Comcentric, Adaptiva, VMWare, Starbucks, Cisco, TikTok, AuthenticID, Heartdub, and Niantic.
10:40 a.m. - It's been one week, and I still haven't heard from ESA Corporate. The internet just went down again. The guy on the phone the first time even said the word "inject" randomly in his sentence to try to screw with me. I curtly replied, "Thanks for the little bit of clarity." Then I hung up. I might have to escalate this issue again.
11:03 a.m. - I'm calling ESA corporate again. Last time I was on hold for 20 minutes, and the time before that, I was on hold for 30 minutes. I'm expecting this to be really annoying, so I'm going to passively collect more racketeering evidence.
After calling, they're going to reopen the issue. The lady who answered said some manager left a note but made no contact.
4:23 p.m. - I've applied to Splunk.
November 2, 2021: The employees and gang might actually have a hidden microphone in my room 418 here at ESA. I know they've listened next door and even walked out of the next room as I left my room. So I was watching Kenny Dies on South Park and replaying the part about the killer shrimp from West India, and then this Arabian/Indian woman with a hijab awkwardly and purposefully walks from the other ESA building to me as I'm picking up my dog's shit, and asks, "Can you help me?" I say, "No, why don't you go ask the lobby of the building you just came from?" I do believe they are still closely monitoring me. They'd rather spend all their jew money on making the movie of the book 1984 than help me with my problems. Fuck that. Yeah, I see they have money for fake name tags and shit.
10:37 a.m. - I was vaping standing at my bed next to Breezy. It's 23 minute until my amphetamine appointment, and Breezy retrieved his bone from the floor on one side of his memory foam mat to place the bone on the other end of his mat. Then he rolled it onto the floor and stared. Then he got it to chew it as I vape and type this.
11:46 a.m. - I'm not sure if I wrote this down before, but the Modern Warfare people constantly mention things from my living situation, like this Mark/Tommy character and the South Park episodes I'm watching. I still won't forget when they finally admitted they were explicitly monitoring me over a year ago. They monitor me heavily for a while, then do it on/off for a while, just like the Bloods gang around here. It sucks ass. These groups of people are overstepping their bounds, and what should I do when there are not just two gangs but fifty gangs which would all pester me as I walk the mile to Publix?
4:14 p.m. - I'm playing Bioshock Infinite right now, and it feels like what the government and Bloods are doing to me. It's a despicable attempt at creating an Eichmannian research facility for my novel disorder, ADHD. I'm like Elizabeth trapped in the tower, and I'm Booker Dewitt forced to undertake some artificial quest for an artificial righteous triump over artificial evil. I'm also Songbird, charged with protecting Elizabeth during this whole ordeal, and I'm also Comstock, shepherding these miscreants into their new city in the sky. Living in a motel sucks ass, and I thought we were past this Psycho and Scream movie shit.
5:44 p.m. - After vaping ~.4g weed, my phone screen showing Poweramp disintegrated into spiked fragments like my Infernight title screen. Closing my eyes, I behold a rainbow octopus like Undertow in Bioshock Infinite. It takes up the entirety of my field of vision as I close my eyes.
10:18 p.m. - I just saw things like the top half of a crouching Zoa facing to the left like the original Yugioh card forming over the wall and coming from behind the top of my bed frame. It grew to about a meter in height at its peak before it morphed into a dragon after about two seconds. The dragons were coming toward me and shifted around between things like Serpent Night Dragon, Slifer, and such. Then came waves of women running toward me and transforming every half second to one second. Wow.
10:05 a.m. - I called ESA and talked to Austin, and nothing has been done in 9 days. I told him I was recording, and I forgot that I wasn't, but he said he would release the call. I guess this is it. All right. Cremate my body. My driver's license privilege is revoked; I am not an organ donor. There is to be no research done with my body.
10:15 a.m. - I talked to Austin again, and this time he said the internet issue was resolved. I still asked for the district manager to come monitor the employees. The call was dropped just after I thanked Austin for taking initiative to help the children, elderly, and me. I don't think anyone is coming here. They're just trying to cast me as a bad person. They don't even want me to record them because it will give away their bad behavior. They use fake names. Marquesia didn't even record my website as evidence like I asked. Nothing is happening. This is racketeering at its worst.
All of my money is to pay for my website upkeep. All of my possessions are to be destroyed because I'll not have my life used for others' resources.
7:28 p.m. - I feel the inch thick circle in the center of my forehead oscillating a millimeter or so back and forth very violently. It feels like electrical energy is coagulating from the edges of the circle and swirling toward the center.
8:57 p.m. - I vaped, and now I see Gengar and Pichu nudging me with their eyes, taking up the entire wall. There are other Pokemon, but the scene can shift quickly sometimes.
November 4, 2021: The ESA customer service guy Austin said the ESA employees said they fixed the internet, which I confirmed. That means they know the issue. The district manager should ask them what the problem was and why they took so long standing around doing nothing to fix it. Yesterday, the internet went out twice during my hour long coding examination with Heartdub. Thankfully, I was still able to submit and didn't lose any code.
11:11 a.m. - The power has now gone out in my room. A Fedex truck pulled up with something, possibly to fix it. It could be another maintenance employee controlled signal to gang members that higher ups are coming.
1:11 p.m. - I think someone also just did an OTA update on the ESA TV software since the zoom level changed from "Just Scan" to "16:9". I still think they're using maintenance problems, smoke alarms, hallway items, and TV OTA updates to send signals to the gang at ESA.
2:57 p.m. - On coming back from Publix, the cashier didn't ring up one of my bags of buns. I stopped and looked at the receipt for a second because the "something is wrong" signal was in my brain. I thought the amount was too much, but it wasn't. I really wonder just how far this thing goes. At that Publix, it's almost certainly NOT random. Also, there was a strange woman or teenage girl who was in my way twice at Publix, and the second time she was deliberately faking looking for something as I left the store, so I was forced to excuse myself as I passed behind her. I think the gangs and government are going to try to shift their focus away from asking for drugs and parading children around in front of me to dressing up like underage women and walking around me and shit. After packing my bags at a table outside, she stopped at the driver's side of a car and stared in my direction. An elderly woman looked to be approaching her coming from the Walgreens area 50 feet away. I'm honestly hoping all these charades will be done soon. I wonder if it will be like the 4 fuck her right in the pussies, where the lady walks away from one interview to another camera set right across the street. I don't want every gang in the world to check inside my asshole very five seconds.
4:04 p.m. - Listening to Forest by SOAD, I started looking for the lighter for a whole minute, but I'm vaping...
9:09 p.m. - The Slayer album art for Seven Faces was inverted over the x axis when I first looked at it.
November 5, 2021: Where are all these people who know about ADHD and my slow decline of NE, DA, 5-HT, GLU, ACh, and more?
Where are the people with a mutated dopamine transporter that results in pain when the transporter's reuptake function is inhibited at its synapse by something like methylphenidate?
Where are the answers about the disequilibrium caused by MDA being a bad replacement for amphetamine which almost killed me?
Where is the info that the combo of levoamp and dextroamp is necessary to fix all those specific neurotransmitter problems?
If there is ANYONE else in the world with my disorder, why isn't there any sort of expose about all these things I've had to discover myself?
Why are the government and Bloods gang more interested in fucking me over than helping me, especially since I got that STD?
Why has everyone been watching from a distance, even when my professor Gary from CS 4001 knew I was being targeted by a gang?
Why does the Bloods gang get to use all this info to target me when the government could be helping me by giving me the same information (as it should with my tax money)?
How much government money goes to keeping this motel concentration camp motel afloat? Who's on your list Joe Biden?
What if I was schizophrenic, or what if the next person they want to screw over is schizophrenic? Is that okay?
I finished playing Bioshock Infinite again today. The ending leaves me ambivalent; Elizabeth's final words of Booker's identity are reassuring, yet her slow, discrete disappearance piece by piece is a tragic foil. Booker's last search for this girl in the crib can be interpreted as his death or as his perception of the initial disappearance or final death of Elizabeth. So, it could be the end of Booker's story, or it could actually be resurfacing back to the introduction of Bioshock Infinite, on the search for the missing Elizabeth. The story could flow back into itself like Booker and Elizabeth traveling through the lighthouses (reminiscent of neurons) to create their reality. The story can be considered cyclical, just like Dark Souls, except the timeline in Dark Souls moves forward without contemplation of divergence of choice to pierce through multiple worlds. The timelines of Bioshock Infinite branch and can feed back into each other, but the timeline of Dark Souls is as it is in our universe: time can only move forward, and kingdoms were built to crumble. One man's rapture is another man's Columbia.
11:51 p.m. - In the corner chair with my white GT hoodie in it, I just saw my mom as if she was lying in her white hospital bed when they discovered cancer. Her face was at the center of my vision, and for a brief instant, I looked away and said, "Woah."
November 6, 2021: 1:43 p.m. - My Fallout 4 display brightness setting is -35 using Intel GPU controls.
November 7, 2021: I'm using -32 brightness now.
November 8, 2021: In Fallout 4, which is a huge pain in the ass, I'm using -31 brightness and a naked Piper mod now. I'm looking for a new naked female companion using a recruitment mod. It's analogous to my real life: I had sex with Taylor the day after Valentine's Day, and now I'm looking for a new girlfriend.
November 9, 2021: Fallout 4 is still a huge pain in the ass every step of the way. Piper had a battle axe which is now gone. She's still naked, but is that really worth every single little "fuck you" Bethesda planted in this game?
Teja said, "Is it animated?" On another occasion, she said "Why don't you get a drink?" She said it maliciously, and I know she remembered I don't drink by her expression of narrowed eyes, a tucked chin, a sudden serious change in tone, and her past of fucking me over. I still wonder if she's with the government or that gang. Almost certainly, she is one or both. Perhaps she is familiar with this "Gin" and "Vodka" characters which characterize any sort of shadow organization like the government or a gang.
On Modern Warfare, some dude talked over the mic after I'd been watching South Park's Up the Down Steroid quite a bit (once a day). He said, "Whatever you say, Jimmy." This isn't the only time the people watching me over Modern Warfare quoted South Park to me. I wonder if the government is living out some sick fantasy of playing "Gin" and "Vodka" from Detective Conan. I'm sure whoever is watching me is aware of these things. Detective Conan has over 1000 episodes now. There was another time someone said, "We got a ninja star stuck in Butters' eye."
2:30 p.m. - After vaping, I just saw a rainbow zombie Gimli looking solemnly right at me, holding behind his right shoulder an axe with the blade resting just behind his head.
A few minutes later, I now see rainbow dark magician girl variants beckoning at me. I can imagine conversations, but I can no longer hear them as if through my ears like before. I could do that in the first few weeks of treatment a couple months ago. Gimli stood still for three seconds or so, but these girls change every .1-2 seconds and are very vivacious.
2:50 p.m. - Even after smoking more out of my bong, the visuals are decreasing a little as I approach 3 p.m. My body is taking its time to adjust.
10:02 p.m. - I applied to Pearson, AMD, Nintendo Selby Jennings, and The Pokemon Company.
November 10, 2021: Pearson is the company with no descriptors and a shady application email that reads like spam and opens a link with no descriptors that appears to also be spam.
7:39 p.m. - I'm vaping, and I see realistic white and rainbow hands coming to embrace me from the adjacent corner of the wall, the armless swivel chair, and my laundry basket in the dark. They are like 1.5 meters long and curling toward me, but they stop a meter away.
7:42 p.m. - There is relative clarity in my vision.
10:33 p.m. -I've been smoking and vaping weed since like 7:15. I see very vivid swirly rainbow patterns including typical eyes, dragons, and scantily clad women by the hundreds, changing in my field of vision mostly one at a time in different areas: up at the top of my screen a Komori Dragon curls a different smile as a variant of Dark Magician Girl forms in the right or in my mind's eye as I blink, close my eyes, stare into space in front of my pupils, or stare at the wall.
Not long ago, I was inspired to start writing this while looking at my bed listening to Five Ninety. I saw a flashing light that reminded me of a bug scurrying around my bed.
November 11, 2021: I go to Publix looking for Honey Buns or Cosmic Brownies, which I've bought in the past. The employees now took those off the shelf too. I asked about that to a middle aged latina employee, and she said, "How do you check that?" That makes no sense. I ask her if there are any honey buns, and she asked me how to look for them. I think she was trying to check if it was okay to sell drugs to me or something. As I walked over to get individual honey buns from closer to the check out area, I contemplated the latinos could have hidden food from me as a test to see if they could poison my food and get away with it. It corroborates my suspicion there was malicious intent behind the dying fridge I was given when I moved in. Also, there are still no bags of Honey Chex mix after that latina girl at checkout mentioned them and also disappeared forever.
4:47 p.m. - I just finished my first iteration of Speed Timer, my quality timer and stopwatch program. It looks like Godot is making some mild noticeable regressions. I hope there isn't some upper echelon conspiracy to ruin my favorite open source project.
I just applied to JPMorgan Chase. I'm still eating 40 mg of amphetamine 4 times per day and vaping weed. There's nothing else on my plate. I'll be moving to Washington with only amphetamine after having a final yard sale.
November 12, 2021: I applied to Autodesk in Portland, Oregon. This isn't my first choice of location, but anything is better than being around this Atlanta cult.
I just applied to Qwant, Dataiku, 360Learning, Dashlane, EPAM, and Mindsay in France.
I just applied to Stack Overflow.
10:00 p.m. - I think the people around here want me to be homeless as a joke. Don't forget, Teja mentioned that. The government sent people to look homeless around me to make me feel comfortable with it. I won't forget the old white woman screaming at me to do stuff as soon as I moved in to ESA. I won't forget the random fake homeless who asked me for money and then marveled that I went to Tech. I won't forget the old lady at Publix who said she went to Georgia Tech and is almost certainly lying to spy on me. Don't forget Mark Tommy who says, "I think you need to be checked out" is the specific phrase he used to me three days in a row. This Mark Tommy is a government agent sent here to send me to my death on the street. Mark Tommy also made up something and said, "Our system is down right now." Then, as I go to leave, he says, ""You still have to pay." He had the biggest shit eating grin on his face, just like when he said, "I have ADHD too." He had his mouth hanging open, eyes narrowed, big ass curl on his mouth, and he stood there staring with a silent laugh on the inside. When I went down there once, he started bombarding me with fifty questions in a row as if to interrogate me, "Why is there hair in the hallway?" "Why is there hair in the stairwell?" "Do you brush your dog?" "Do you take care of your dog?" "I heard you were bumping into people." I said, "You are being rude. Now, I have apologized for my rude behavior, but I have once seen this reciprocated." He gave no response.
I shouldn't forget my professor "Gary Sonnet" looked at me with a big grin and said, "Ah the big boys. PILE! Well let's see it!" He wasn't a mean professor or anything by any means, but I didn't respond since my brain was still recovering from my 10 year amphetamine hiatus. The only problem I have with that guy is he appeared to be withholding information about ADHD from me. Everyone who might have any useful knowledge is too concerned with disproving my disorder rather than helping me. I take issue with the government withholding life saving information about my disorder. Many of the obstacles I've faced are a waxing reading and listening comprehension ability, NMDA, PCP2, and multiple types of unknown cholinergic receptor hallucinations, MDA interaction with amp withdrawal and ADHD, the extreme interaction of coronavirus and an STD with my disorder, meth's poisonous nature which was never revealed by the siren lady Xue during my GE Digital interview, the disastrous implications of directly inhibiting DAT through the methylphenidate mechanism (not the efflux mechanism of amphetamine). In addition to the ADHD challenges the government could have helped, I'm sure they could have helped me with the gang stalking problem I've been having. Even if there was no action they were willing to take, the life saving information should have been bestowed to me at least in passing, if not in school. This deprivation of life saving information is malicious.
After watching that South Park episode Cartman's Incredible Gift, they mentioned muffins, and I remembered the muffins here appear to also be packaged by some obscure company with no inscriptions on the plastic, rekindling my wonder about the muffins being poisoned with methylphenidate or cocaine. I think some jackass would find it funny to try to exploit my disastrous response to the drugs' DAT inhibition. Perhaps this Mark Tommy character would poison them like Gin and Vodka to try to figure out if I really have ADHD. I'm sure SOMEONE knows about the DAT problem, but nobody is telling. The most concerning issue is the government won't help other ADHD children and their family. I haven't eaten muffins from downstairs in a long time, and I won't eat any more. I'm worried about the chicken line too. I really just want to leave.
November 13, 2021: 9:30 a.m. - I just applied to YorLabs, Cloud Campaign, ForgeRock, Garmin. ForgeRock had a fake privacy agreement and fake nondisclosure agreement.
11:45 a.m. - I just applied to CalypsoWay, Besi, and Watts' Water Works.
November 14, 2021: 2:19 p.m. - Perhaps the intention of the government is to kill me, harvest my organs for STD and cancer research, and then erase all evidence of my PCP site 2 abilities. I suspect I may in fact be the only one with ADHD, which would be why everyone is taking such a keen interest in me. Still, as population goes up, the percentage may stay the same or decrease due to changing alcoholism and tobacco habits, but the total number of ADHD people with chemical imbalances will increase, and the number and variations of imbalances will also evolve. I need to get out of there so I can live a positive life.
7:17 p.m. - I remember managing to see some rainbow dragons and stuff last night very briefly, but I woke up at 3:30 a.m. this morning and haven't had much visuals since then. A spike or mouth occasionally is forming in the corners of my laptop, and they appear to be realistically protruding from the plastic. Soon the visuals will disappear completely. I need only keep eating amphetamine according to schedule, and the training will overcome the amphetamine addiction and ADHD holding me down right now.
November 15, 2021: 4:20 p.m. - I feel the circle in my forehead waving back and forth like before into and out of my forehead. It is also jittering around with little spikes and lines of electrical movement right underneath my skin.
November 16, 2021: Sometimes, some sounds still appear to sound muffled and the sound's amplitude appears to be slightly oscillating sometimes. Amphetamine has a very strong effect all around on my body. I feel a pressure all around my feet like they want to expand or something. My feet hurt a year after quitting amp when I was at Duke TIP in NC. Could amphetamine help trigger some sort of growth spurt I might missed as a kid due to chemical imbalances from ADHD?
November 18, 2021: I can get the rest of the trust fund from my father, but it's been 3 months since his death, and I just now got contacted. I'm being closely watched by the government and their jew dogs, the various gangs around here like the Bloods. They target people one by one and fulfill their sick fantasies of destroying those lives for sadism or in the name of their god. They might even claim the lives of drug addicts don't matter, even if they need medication like amphetamine to survive. It will only get worse as the divide between rich and poor grows. The rich will continue to receive more resources and more luxury to exploit the poor. For example, the rich can individually purchase vehicles to follow and harass the poor who have to walk to the grocery store. The rich can coagulate and deny jobs and opportunity to the poor on the basis of religion like atheism, disability like ADHD, and mistakes related to disabilities or being poor without knowledge or power to overcome knowledge and wealth related obstacles. The rich can use businesses to shepherd the poor into makeshift suicide camps, where the poor are so heavily surveilled and pestered they either commit suicide or are forced into prison or falsely placed into a mental institution like they used to do before the sixties' revolution in medicine.
Given my STD and my innate evolved ability to counteract it like 3-MeO-PCP and other PCP2 antagonists, I suspect I have been led to a blood and organ harvesting trap. If I give blood anywhere like for a vaccine, jail, or a family DNA test, it will likely be used for research. Also, they will want more. I am likely being set up to be killed in the streets like Cricket in Always Sunny or the artist from Dead Hobo in Detective Conan.
9:17 p.m. - I applied to Unity, Cinder, Ambaum, Peach, and Deako in the NW. In the NE, I applied to Rooted Farmers, NeuralFrame, CD PROJEKT RED.
I notice I've been leaving the stove on by accident since I started eating amphetamine again. This didn't happen when I took 3-MeO-PCP in combination with amphetamine. This is most likely due to the inhibitory mechanism of NMDA antagonism counteracting addictive problems from amphetamine impairing some sort of transfer of memory between spatial memory (conditioned place preference) and medium/long term memory of the stove job back to my prefrontal cortex for analysis and action.
November 20, 2021: My Indeed GET request:
https://www.indeed.com/jobs?q=software%20Engineer%20-devops%2C%20-senior%2C%20-it%2C%20%2C%20-.NET%2C%20-Sr%2C%20-Sr.%2C%20-Lead%2C%20-Security%2C%20-Angular%2C%20-Staff%2C%20-Principal%2C%20-Manager%2C%20-Intel%2C%20-Microsoft%2C%20-Tableau%2C%20-Revature%2C%20-Siemens%2C%20-Heartdub%20%2490%2C000%2B&l=seattle%2C%20WA&radius=100&jt=fulltime&explvl=entry_level&sort=date&l imit=50&sr=directhire
I applied to Highspot in Seattle.
November 21, 2021: Maybe I won't have to get the vaccine: https://thespacecoastrocket.com/congressman-posey-co-sponsors-bill-to-require-feds-acknowledge-natural-immunity-to-covid-19/. I don't want any unnecessary attacks on me, and needle pricks are attacks.
2:26 p.m. On Indeed.com, I saw a job advertisement for a company with over 9,000 reviews. Even the host company, Indeed, has only about 800 reviews. Indeed is just as fraudulent as LinkedIn.
3:27 p.m. - I still have slight distortions and brief smiley faces if I smoke a lot, but I can't see rainbow women like before. I applied to Kongregate.
November 22, 2021: The old, white checkout worker lady who said she went to Georgia Tech at Publix lied to me about that. I was immediately suspicious when she said that, and I confirmed that this time when she said her grandmother went there. I said, "I thought you said you went to Georgia Tech." She forced a small smile, looked down, and mumbled, "I guess I'm not smart enough."
5:02 p.m. - I can see mouths growing out of lots of stuff. Tendrils are weaving everywhere. I'm preparing more Luzianne tea as the withdrawal from the natural caffeine enhances my visuals.
November 23, 2021: My StackOverflow job search GET query: https://stackoverflow.com/jobs?td=react+angular&c=usd&mxs=MidLevel&j=Permanent&cd=Intel+Corporation%3B+Esri%3B+&sort=p
I applied to 4G Clinical and Symbotic.
10:42 p.m. - My right temple is vibrating. For like two seconds it was painful, but now it is subsiding slowly. It's been almost a minute now. It's basically gone. An entire section of my temple that was like a rectangle 2 inches high, and one inch in width was vibrating just under my skin just like the circular area in the middle of my forehead. After two minutes, the feeling is basically undetectable. I could feel several pinpoints of pressure vibrating more intensely than the rest of the area. There were like 10-100 areas of cells vibrating more intensely at a time, whereas there were way more cells than that vibrating in the overall area.
1 a.m. - I lied down for an hour, and in my bed at like 1:30 a.m., I saw a skinny anime girl who looked like an older anime version of Raven from Teen Titans, but she had bright glowing red eyes with a white central dot and a flowing black skirt with white trim demonstrating her cusping cleavage and knees. She had bright glowing red eyes and looked up to the sky to cackle. She disappeared after two seconds, but she was gorgeous. I could see her protruding from the bottom of my eyelids beginning with the middle of her shins. She stood with her hair spread and blowing wildly in an invisible wind whilst throwing her head and hair back to laugh at the sky as she spreads her arms 45 degrees to her sides.
I just copied the awesome allegories I wrote on my website:
I do not consent for any of my ADHD cells, semen, or future aborted fetal stem cells to be used for STD or cancer research. My cells are to be destroyed in a crematorium and scattered in a body of water rather than bastardized by the government dogs or common gangs like some shoddy Scream V script. Pretending is forbidden, but listed below is a sequence of colorful allegories decorating my green lawn amidst the yellow brick road leading down to my big red door. Stop pretending!
List 1. Notes of a Prophecy: Who Broke the Hoover Dam House? - Rasco and the Rats of Nimh
2. Aristocratic Rain of Hellfire on the Proletariat - Pink Eye of South Park
3. Aiding the Native American Anne Frank - Casa Bonita of South Park
4. Eichmann's Technological Tenement Trap - Super Fun Time of South Park
5. New Gilded Age of Illusory Maintenance for Psychopaths - City Sushi of South Park
6. Defined Wonder, Weapons Cast to Starve the Artist - Dead Hobo of Case Closed
7. The Final Solution - Kenny Dies of South Park
8. Frankly, My Deer - The Gang Gets Extreme: Home Makeover Edition of Always Sunny
Individually, there are also some episodic allegories likened to my current situation with ADHD, an unknown STD, dwindling funds, terroristic hotels, the U.S. government withholding vital ADHD information, and the Bloods gang stalking me. Every day, I exit my abode to metaphorically greet a horde of overprivileged scavengers and face an attempted mystified diversion from my real problem at hand.
9. For Whom Does the Love of My Trophy Toll? - Love Thy Trophy of Family Guy
10. I'm Not Sure How This Has No Relation to Penn State - Idiocracy
11. Phase 2 of the Joke: Loosly Leaving a Future Calling Pussy Villages of Underpants Bitches - Tweek of South Park
12. American Horror Story: Extended Stay Asylum - Insane in the Mainframe of Futurama
13. Aiding Jared's Finale is Left Hanging - Jared Has Aides of South Park
14. Once Upon A Time, I Read the Ending First - A Woodland Critter Christmas of South Park
15. Woah Man, Just... - Night of the Living Homeless of South Park
16. Candy Crush Could Crush the Castle - Placebo Effect of Archer
17. Have Courage to Face Down Lingering Reflections - Queen of the Black Puddle of Courage the Cowardly Dog
18. Steadfast Reflections of a Hydra Ridden, Filtered Atmosphere - Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon of Yugioh
November 28, 2021: Playing the zombies map Buried from the Vengeance DLC in Black Ops II, it looks like this plan to give me an STD was encoded in video games too. You get a big Lenny like guy from Of Mice and Men out of jail using a green skull key on the wall. You lead him around and stuff to get him to unlock doors and clear debris, namely the debris blocking Juggernog. Basically, they're going to use my infected blood to try to cure their mystery STD. I remember that strange latina lady at Verizon Connect saying, "This is our vengeance." She was very cozy with Teja and also appeared to have ulterior motives while working at Verizon Connect. Combined with all the suspicious references to me being a big guy, I think there is a lot of communication behind my back about screwing me over. I was set up for this the whole time by denying me proper information about ADHD and amphetamine. I'm 26 now. I should have had that information when I was a kid, especially when I quit amphetamine in 6th grade.
So, what will the government and gangs do with the next person they find with ADHD or a disorder with which they want to experiment. Perhaps they'll use schizophrenic test subjects to cure their next STD using stolen cells with special dopaminergic output. They would probably be better candidates for cancer research. Where will they get these test subjects? Given the actions taken against me, a straight white male grandson of an immigrant from Germany, I wouldn't put anything past these people. Poor immigrants from Mexico who drink and smoke are the most likely targets. Eventually someone like me with ADHD will come around again. Perhaps someone with Tourettes has a special inhibitory or stimulating mechanism evolved to some types of their cells that would help cure some illness, which puts a new spin on that episode Le Petit Tourette of South Park.
November 29, 2021: You don't necessarily have to use it for an STD; illegal research can be done on people with disorders to cure novel illnesses like COVID-21.
November 30,2021: I think the government may try to be undercover federal agents masquerading themselves as having a mental illness. Ian Moreno had "dyslexia" and Ria allegedly had an anxiety disorder, but I never heard any specifics or anything about it. Teja seemed really focused on learning about my disorder. The way she said, "Got it," after I described my Infernight idea was very abrupt and serious. She definitely had ulterior motives there. Also, this is well known, but many undercover agents pretend to be homeless. I can't be homeless because wealthy people have been organizing to slowly make me homeless and make me feel comfortable with such a thing by sending fake homeless people to interact with me. The homeless thing is fine for investigations but is not fine to "have fun" as the spying people in Modern Warfare told me. Pretending to have a rare disorder prevents useful research from being done and holds people back who actually have those disorders. It causes misinformation and abuse to happen as people start to doubt the validity of these disorders like Tourettes and ADHD.
4:03 p.m. - I remember one time Teja said, "It suffocates me." Combined with the "Mikey" references by Atul, very hands off approach of everyone around me, the crazy media like South Park and Always Sunny, and the weird silence and bullshitting of people around me, I'm starting to wonder if there is a plot to assassinate ADHD babies before they leave the hospital like the hospital baby scenes in Halloween 5/6. No information about my condition has been revealed. That creepy nurse annihilated my entire forearm with that "TB" test. My old teacher for CS 4001 Gary said, "Do you follow the signs?" Now I can't get people to stop shitting signs at me. This whole thing is very unsettling, but I still want to move to WA and settle.
11:42 p.m. - I remember the first time I spoke to Teja in private for an introduction, she said, "I want your fire" with the biggest beaming smile at me. She also said, "I'm not gonna change" and smirked. Her elderly latina friend also once said, "We're not going to try" with a big smile. She definitely is in on this awful scheme to take advantage of vulnerable people in experiments like a modern Nazi of the metropolis. I'm also pretty sure there is a big conspiracy to limit, infuriate, and take advantage of people through software. Microsoft Windows and Android has so much stuff on the surface that has been broken for years. Android's UI peaked with Kit Kat, and Windows has made steps forward along with steps backward. Same with Android. Combined with the internet going out and the big conspiracy to keep quiet about ADHD, there is some serious shit going on in the tech and medicine world.
December 1, 2021: The job search is dismal. There is no intent to help me. Anyone who knows anything about my disorder intends to exploit me and any future disordered people with things like: Tourettes, schizophrenia, and people with better natural COVID immunity. I once heard some Indian guy at Verizon Connect say, "Ooh schizo" loudly behind my desk around the time they mentioned that Lindberg MARTA thing with the cops. I still wonder if Teja gave me something in my drink before I left for the MARTA. Her mention of drinking creeped me out. I have to leave Atlanta because I've been so cheated and had to discover everything myself. I still don't know anyone else with my disorder, and it looks like there may actually be nobody else. I keep writing this over and over. Eventually I'll be able to solve this problem.
3:47 p.m. - I still don't have internet. I'm conserving energy now. I don't even talk out loud much anymore. This shift happened about a week ago.
December 2, 2021: Watching Always Sunny, the episode Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare shows how the rich intend to use homelessness, rehab addiction centers, unemployment payments, welfare payments, prison labor, illegal immigrant labor, and obfuscated or fake job applications to exploit the working class proletariat. Tenement housing controlled by government or corporate interests like ESA and Googleplex keeps the employees of corporations corralled into the dastardly, monetary interests of the wealthy owners of corporations. Aspirations to live as the wealthy give the working class Stockholm Syndrome as the wealthy give them alternating or simultaneous sweet and sour interactions of support and sadism. I think mental institutions will need to be watched more closely in the future.
This can also be extended to the episode Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad wherein wealthy individuals utilize friends and corporations to exploit sick or mentally ill children, or they could use drugs or lies to foster negative interactions like Epstein and R. Kelly. I was set up to get this STD, and nobody has said anything about it yet. I still don't know what it is.
12:37 p.m. - I applied to Nyle Systems LLC in the area of Bangor, Maine. I applied to iUNU in Seattle and OpenSquare in Portland. I applied to Basis Technology around Boston, MA. My alternative journal link: https://disk.yandex.com/d/o2VFV4Vyksxj6w
3:40 p.m. - I've gathered a larger list of disorders which could be exploited by the rich for medical research including viral research and resistant organ transplants:
List 1. Tourettes - the same unknown STD as me?
2. Schizophrenia - Epstein-Barr herpes (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ Epstein%E2%80%93Barr_virus#History) {maybe this is my STD}
3. Tay-Sach's - Tuberculosis
4. Niemann-Pick - Ebola and Marburg
5. Congenital disorder of glycosylation 2b - viruses
6. People with better natural COVID immunity - COVID-21
8:22 p.m. - I stopped drinking sweet tea on my second go out of four usual times in the past three weeks. Now I see faces, namely Tri-horned Dragon from Yugioh and derivatives of its face and smile.
December 4, 2021: 3:32 p.m. - Just now, I was resting and lying in bed with my eyes closed listening to Go God Go of South Park when I saw a shimmering rainbow figure of myself from the torso up shuffling through three cards in my hand and playing one. The cards as well as my face were more white than the rest of the imagery. Then the imagery disappeared back into what it is now: just random swirls sometimes forming faces. That was the most vivid imagery I've seen since the girl on November 23 that looked like Raven. This ordeal lasted like 2 seconds.
December 5, 2021: 9:38 p.m. - An anonymous currency and banking system would be great. Backend software engineers have too much leeway to view people's data. With the rising gang member numbers, rising overall populations, and rising isolated individuals among those large populations, isolated individuals are easy to manipulate using data harvested by racketeering gang members managing customer information by working in the IT industry servicing a multitude of clients, like working for Amazon's business customer support service for databases.
I applied to an Indeed.com Bot Detection role in Michigan today. It's sorely needed due to increasing human population, increasing AI scam bot population, and more advanced AI scam bots. I also applied to Noteable and Philips around Bellevue, WA.
10:31 p.m. - For the past couple hours, I've been having intense visions of dragons and women like Chinese dragons, Twin-Headed Dragon from Yugioh, and Raven from Teen Titans. I wonder when this will stop. The sweet tea appears to be helping since I'm addicted to sweet tea too.
Bureaucracies are more often than not a weapon. The focus of excellent customer service is through direct and immediate action. Automated customer service robots are an example of the difficulty in quickly solving a task by a myriad of potential redirects. With the shift of a large amount of America from a manufacturing economy to a service economy especially aided by pioneering the internet, the current socioeconomic clashes in the U.S. are getting worse as services are being used as a socioeconomic weapon. Rapid social coordination has made isolation and exploitation of poor individuals easier, while it has made that same task more difficult for the rich who have easy means of advanced communication like mail, telegraph, cell phones, and internet. Advances in medical technology has made the exploitation of poor and disordered individuals a profitable business for creating viral vaccines and transplanting organs.
December 7, 2021: 9:05 a.m. - In Seattle, I applied to Gensco, Hostwinds, Billkins, Cognitiv.ai, Brivity, DESC, Synergy Global Technologies, Lender Price, Glassdoor, Red Violet, Audible Magic, Sift, Credos Talent LLP, and TuSimple. In Portland, I applied to Buildable, Curtiss-Wright, Ledgent Technology, VanderHouwen, Capsa Healthcare, and SnowShoe. In Boston, I applied to Labviva, Alarm.com, Sentinel Benefits & Financial, Rapid Micro Biosystems, Logix Health, Beacon Interactive Systems, AMD, Glance, VAIA Technologies, Datto, Scientific Games, V-Soft Consulting Group, firstPRO, MIKEL Inc, Emerson Ecologics, Invicro, Mytide Therapeutics, WindESCo, RaySecur, and Foodspace Technology. That's 40 jobs.
December 8, 2021: 7:38 p.m. - Yesterday night, my CPU fan on my MSI laptop unseated. It was only made to be seated for just under 2 years before it started rattling around. My old landlord mentioned something about stopping the rattling on my old MSI 1070 laptop, so I'm assuming they were recording me in my basement apartment at 589 Elmwood. My old GPU fan started rattling after 18 months. This one is 20 months. Now that my second laptop fan has unseated, I'm switching brands from MSI as I'm now assuming my incoming products are being tampered. My old 860m laptop lasted 6 years, and strangely all my electronics have been dying prematurely as well. I'm beginning to think a maintenance person sprayed water on the back of my TV back at Georgia Tech North Ave. student housing. I've been set up quite a bit. Just on Friday, my Windows start screen search broke and only showed a spinning circle and a version number matching 11.21.XXXXXXXXX (it begins with my birthday). After two days, this disappeared. It was programmed to do that based on a time frame. Restarting didn't fix anything. I didn't update. This is unacceptable.
This morning, at 7 a.m., I woke up and got out of bed in the dark. I turned around and was surprised by a gold splash with rainbow fringes of big half meter diameter solid spots across my entire field of vision. I was astonished enough to mumble, "ah." There were like 40-50 spots of varying size but all clustered to 1/3 meters to 1/2 meters in size. This lasted for only about half a second. I brushed it off and turned back around to turn on the light.
December 9, 2021: 4:56 p.m. - I had an interview at 2:30 p.m. today with Datto. This guy interviewing me was a little strange and occasionally his screen stuttered. Also, he also said he has A.D.H.D., but never pursued it more. He lied just like that Mark Tommy guy here at ESA. Also, he mentioned they had people with Aspergers at their company. He said "people." I think that was also a lie. Perhaps he works with the government.
I can't speak for sure on the validity ADHD medication since I don't actually have any other statistics for disorders described as "ADHD." Also, my DAT is mutated such that I can't accept reuptake inhibitors like methylphenidate. I suspect my NET is also mutated such that I feel abnormal effects like I did with 4-HO-MET. The burning after cessation was probably normal, but the other effects might not have been. I could be wrong on the NET thing, but I'm very certain of the DAT thing. I can't confirm without talking to someone who can tell me their results of similar experiments with methylphenidate, cocaine, and 4-HO-MET (or some other selective NET inhibitor, if it is indeed an NRI), and those people are very far and few between. I wonder if my disorder is being abused by the government to dispense methylphenidate and dextroamphetamine like candy for people who don't really need it. Imbalances caused by these drugs in lieu of traditional racemic amphetamine directly lead these people to systemic and personal abuse of poor folk. I'm not sure. There probably are people with problems fixable by those drugs, but my experience in dealing with those folk has been less than pleasant. I think it would be better and more productive for society to rid society of such destructive tendencies if possible. Also, medication should cause more adjusted social behavior rather than sadism. This must be accounted, but it looks like many social and personal problems cause by methylphenidate and dextroamp could be eliminated by using the more broad and effective chemical balance provided by a 50/50 racemic amphetamine mixture.
The whole "Mule Kick" fiasco has me worried. It kinda reminds me of Freddy vs Jason, when Freddy was going to finish the fight with Jason by sedating him. I suspect the government and gang friends want to entrap, isolate, and imprison me to perform experiments about A.D.H.D., drugs like amphetamine and ketamine, S.T.D.'s like herpes (my potential STD), and other illnesses like cancer. I think studying my innate, far reaching ability to selectively touch NMDA, PCP2, and various acetylcholine functions is the main goal of these sadists. These people might intend to make me a "research mule." The government and their gang mates have made no attempt whatsoever to correct their despot behavior and have shown a desire to continue similar exploitation of future children with ADHD and other disorders like schizophrenia.
6:53 p.m. - Evidence in various media like South Park, Halloween, Always Sunny, etc. point to a woman born in the 50's with ADHD dying in the 70's by overdosing on PCP or being hit by a car. Of course, this could all be bullshit media metaphors designed to mystify people. This is only supported by a lack of a proper description of my ADHD disorder with the altered DAT, decaying dopamine releasing mechanism, and decaying NE releasing mechanism. To counter this supposition, I read that amphetamine was discovered to treat people chained to walls in insane asylums in the 1920's. It was used in warfare soon after that. The government could use the excuse of military secrets or lack of proper pharmaceutical attention after I resumed amphetamine treatment at 21, but that is all fodder designed to distract from the problem of the lack of education I received about ADHD and amphetamine while I took it until sixth grade. I don't see anyone else like me nor do I see any proper description of my disorder.
December 13, 2021: 5:30 p.m. - I still have some light visual effects of rainbow women especially like Raven or Yuno.
December 17, 2021: 8:56 p.m. - I can't really see women anymore. I still see rainbow flashing lights and lines moving around. I can't see a face if I try. I can see what looks like a rainbow lattice wall forming in Sublime Text. I haven't seen anything notable since four days ago. I've been running a marathon of several videos which appear to have been made by people with insider information about ADHD from the government. I suppose some mystery man leaves a script for these people to find since it would be difficult to keep a secret if all the actors were told. Here is a list of some more allegories showing the plot to erase the history of my ADHD disorder, give me a scarlet, rosy STD, and ignore me until I kill myself or fatally reverse the direction of provocation back to this mystery group encompassing the government and the Bloods gang:
List 1. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986 {can't unsee that chilly, stretched out whore of a chainmail story on my L.A.M.P. stack})
Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives (my amped lightning strike rains sparks into the misty grey world where I lie in wait to return from my ten years of drowning and subsequent cycle)
Scarface (face that asshole, ay? The blood in the water is like my hallucination in my NDD list, just as in Jason Lives)
Weekend at Bernie's
Crank
Tropic Thunder (Speedman)
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
Die Harder
Idiocracy (Ritalin Rita)
Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties (orange Adder tailing All too much while DA dog oDie stares)
Requiem for a Dream
Case Closed
The Moonlight Sonata Murder Case (STD shoe mockers including Shuichi shoe itchy write flaming red footprints leading to and from my full moon light of NMDA inhibition gifted by my mother and passed down to genetically start my life's tape in reverse)
Footsteps of the Hero
South Park
Butters' Very Own Episode
The Poor Kid (STD test tubes of bloody jailhouse needlebait)
W.T.F.
Up the Down Steroid (I'm missing both my amp arms here and my ADHD disorder is "new" and doesn't show up on any tests)
Good Times With Weapons (ninja STD and childhood dextroamphetamine stuck in my eye)
Crack Baby Athletic Association (parental ADHD Adderall Basketball with excess cracked up and dopaminergic dextroamphetamine followed by college basketball and STD basketball)
Jewpacabra
Poor and Stupid (Patricia's NASCAR Basketball son might sit on the windsill)
Eek, a Penis! (suck my illegal transplant from the ground you vampire sons of bitches)
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (where the weirdest part is my mom's detested high school nickname was Patty)
Mac and Dennis Move to the Suburbs (who made whose maximum overdrive?)
The Great Recession (DopAmine {Dee} and Busters)
White Trash (who is hogging all the logs of my ADHD predecessors?)
Reynolds vs. Reynolds - The Cereal Defense (+1 to Vanity skill, -1 to Extroversion skill, -1 to Stability, these are genetic tradeoffs if I breed with a woman; the government evolved my saintly mother into a "stupid bitch" by withholding vital medical information about ADHD)
Mac and Dennis - Manhunters (my mom drunk me that NMDA yogurt up my amped up ass)
Gun Fever Still Too Hot (no guns, no beer, money is the most dangerous modern weapon for the most dangerous game: baring a man of all his money; drugs are a good metaphor for guns)
The Gang Reignites the Rivalry (nobody told my mom proper medical disclosures about ADHD and "Riterall")
Pop-Pop: The Final Solution (when did the charred, vietcharlie Atlantian Neo Nazi Nagger Society and co pull the plug on me? July 2020, August 2018, May 2014, November 2006?)
Wolf Cola: A Public Relations Nightmare (mosquitoes from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2's Mesquite High STD School are bigger terrorists than Bo Co Harem's men in black and wild "mad dog" humans enforcing Jim Crow Power 2.0)
Charlie Gets Crippled (how about DAT: targeting "legal meat" people like drug addicts, and misusing ADHD meds like D-amphetamine are crutches)
The Gang Misses the Boat (I've spotted splashes of amphibious ski masks holding undefined poetry I couldn't read in the past)
Courage the Cowardly Dog
Human Habitrail (I too once ran in a wheel)
Everyone Wants to Direct
The Great Fusilli
Futurama
Space Pilot (my robotic laser light show of natural PCP2 and NMDA inhibition is pretty)
A Tale of Two Santas (I don't bullshit very well with my paradox absorbing chromosomes)
The Birdbot of Ice Catraz
Parasites Lost (my naturally inhibiting PCP2 "worms" were given to me by my motherly ancestor)
Family Guy
E. Peterbus Unum (I'm digging an in ground, natural PCP2 pool)
Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington (they left out the alcohol)
Petarded
Ready, Willing, and Disabled (where did the angel touch me when I was 26?)
Death is a Bitch (funny how holding a blue and gold lamp wired to the electrical socket splashes a 3D array of light wavelengths into my world in the form of angel women, all without the need for DAT creek transporting the DA Sons)
Stewie B. Goode
Death Has a Shadow (devilish vampire whine drinkers beleaguering to stack Joe with STD's and keep their fiery prescriptions overshadowing the dwindling exploitation of the sadistically marginalized poor angels stuck in bagel trafficking welfare circles of ADHD stack parties next to DA overpaid orange soap that says, "Lois, low lies my hair." My life was planned such as this: welfare->scholarship->sexual harassment suit->disability and disorder claim)
Bojack Horseman
Downer Ending (ha, shocking how I share striking similarities with the horse tranquilizer ketamine and must eat amphetamine to synaptically rectify my NMDA and other neural shortcomings as I write under my own ghost that my time cannot be eternal as my intertwined space is not infinite, and on top of that I damn the ending scripted by the whores man)
Drake & Josh
The Theater Thug (woah, just take it ESi, orange Adderall man)
Pool Shark
ChaoS;HEAd
Contact
Bleach
Byakuya Bankai
Future Diary
Family Plan (I'm still digging this hole with my inhibited PCP2 and NMDA angel girl)
Killing Spree
Killing Spree VII
Castle by Oscar Johansson
Castle III Part B
The Boondocks
A Date with the Health Inspector (amphetamine ass a's)
A Huey Freeman Christmas
It's Goin' Down
December 18, 2021: I'd like to see a state machine or graph of the human neural network encompassing things like GABA, glutamate, norepinephrine, and adrenaline, and their respective receptors. Neurons could be nodes and action potentials combined with neurotransmitters can be the weighted edges. This doesn't seem very doable given the current medical literature. Perhaps in twenty years such a thing would be useful to me like a potential AI master's degree.
I definitely think my disorder is being abused to push prescription methylphenidate, dextroamphetamine, and methamphetamine (probably mostly government folk for that one like my experience with my interview with General Electric and the lady Xue) onto the general population in the name of rich sadists. It is okay to use these tools, but it is not okay for the government to organize to lie and abuse necessary prescription drugs. Look at what Martin Shkreli was able to do with the HIV drug prices, effectively murdering those with HIV by being rich and hoarding all the necessary resources for those needy HIV ridden people. My hypothesis for the misuse of these drugs is medically verifiable using the scientific method and things like radioligand tracing molecules and brain scans. I assume the government uses it to train and organize spies somehow. They also use it to have fun like I heard that guy on Modern Warfare say strangely, "But then it wouldn't be any fun." They take "legal meat" drugs that enhance human sadism like meth or cocaine and go to motels to harass so called "legal meat" with drug addicts, pedos, domestic abusers, and crooked cops. The more sadistic folk will exploit vulnerable mentally ill, elderly, children, animals like dogs, or whatever else they want to destroy. With the widening gap of human extroversion, knowledge, wealth, medicine, and performance enhancing drugs, the poor could be more easily exploited by the rich on an even greater scale than was realized by the Nazis. With nobody able to see isolated individuals like Anne Frank or isolated groups like the Gazans, these people will be exploited and harvested like lab mice or the next Madden and Call of Duty crossover video game. I was conversing with government spies on Modern Warfare for a while. They clearly don't intend to help me and want to further their selfish, warmongering agenda.
December 19, 2021: To fix the issue with my website now infrequently going down due to an Apache issue, I used a cronjob to issue a reboot command twice in a 30 minute succession at 3:05 a.m. It looks like my Apache installation has some issue now, so I'll need to continue with my plan of migrating to a new server after securing a stable income.
7:36 p.m. - I heard an intense ringing in my left ear while my vision shook very violently. My head also appeared to shake violently, and my vision tunneled to be black around the fringes with a train tunnel style shining white portal showing only a grand white staircase with the zoom blur effect applied. It looked like a tear from Bioshock Infinite, and it was a rounded rectangle enveloping all of my vision except for like 15% on the left and right which was blackness. I yelled and turned to face the direction of the sound which was approximately at 3pi/4 rads from my right. I thought the government was testing their ultrasonic weapon thing after applying to some Ultrasonic company I'm sure was just spying on me, seeing that Cuba story, and interacting with all these sketchy folk like Michelle, Tommy, and the Modern Warfare creeps. Given my intense blurring and zoom blur effect of vision, I'm not so sure about that. However, the government knows a lot more about this illness than me, and it is not conceding in its efforts to take advantage of me and everyone else. They remain silent as do their pharmaceutical cronies and friends.
On the other hand, such a tandem effect could also and more likely be a response to me taking my 11 a.m. medicine 7 minutes early watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 which I've been cycling. I also took my 7 p.m. medicine ten minutes late. I did this to start tripping balls. Earlier at 11 a.m., I saw letters drawing themselves using thing strings of blue light. I saw the letter A form first, and that's the only one I remember. It was blue and shiny like the lightning I saw on my most intense MDA trip. It morphed so slowly and drew in my computer screen. It took like five whole seconds to finish drawing itself from a speck in the center of my vision with random smaller inch long lines circling around it beginning with a meter radius. It moved as if it was a real 3D dangling wire in the air just in front of my computer and not as a texture on the screen itself. I felt very relaxed, amused, and focused on the image. Everything was in pretty curly letters like the Gabriola font I like. The letters would turn rainbow later, but mostly stayed that blue color. I'm not sure what to pin that on. There are probably many processing functions in the body which could cause that. Simple imaginative influence from the prefrontal cortex, memories from the hippocampus, broken visual data from the visual cortex, and more things could all do that.
12:28 a.m. - I now have lots of morphing distortions, faces, and colors like at the beginning of my medicated endeavor four months ago. It's more intense in some ways and less in others. I find myself surprised by morphing objects and colors sliding and melting from objects. I saw a blood red rectangle drop perfectly from the two light fixtures in my room, appearing to stain the wall.
<Retrospective> 1/20/2022: I read about Havana Syndrome where people heard an intense and painful sound. I remember some girl in the strip club asking if I liked girls from Cuba with a strange smile like she knew something but wasn't going to tell me. Some black dude was alone outside standing in a parking lot and talking on the phone saying, "News travels fast." I know these jokers that use sadistic drugs like to direct sadistic "movies" using the people around them. Perhaps the Bloods gang have finally developed a focused sound weapon tuned to a frequency only I could hear and not my dog, or perhaps somehow the sound or radio waves were focused only toward me while being unable to penetrate the walls around me. I suspect they have me on microphone while they pretend to listen and stalk me from the next room. That fat lady Michelle also sadistically narrowed her eyes and said, "Are you listening to me?" It could be another problem with my disorder, but maybe it's not. The problem is that with the far reaching effects of my disorder, I remain an uncertain test subject without a second example, which is a reason to pick me for such an experiment. I think perhaps the government or Bloods gang is targeting people with mental disorders for weapons experiments, which is why about one thousand people have just now experienced this. I haven't heard any sounds since that sixth night where I heard screaming voices and the pretty rainbow caricature of the stripper Taylor say, "We're going to have so much fun together!" I think someone did test some weapon on me. It was a very strange incident, but then again so was the vision of a white portal to the stairwell that would be reactionary if it was a weapons test. I can't say for sure.
December 20, 2021: 7:14 p.m. - Here is a list of my favorite song allegories to my neural fading caused by ADHD and a hidden STD situation in a simple list for easy viewing:
List 1. I Die in Degrees - All That Remains : This Darkened Heart
10 Years Today - Bullet For My Valentine
Suffocating Sight - Trivium
Pillars of Serpents - Trivium
Chasing Death - Slayer
Human Strain - Slayer
Unit 731 - Slayer
The Kaleidoscopic God - Scar Symmetry : Pitch Black Progress
As You're Falling Down - Escape the Fate
My Apocalypse - Escape the Fate : Dying is Your Latest Fashion
Your World on Fire - In Fear and Faith
Second Chances - LoveHateHero
Breathe into Me - Red
City - Hollywood Undead
Her Monologue - Issues
My Frailty - After the Burial
Bleeding Mascara - Atreyu : The Curse
Trigger - In Flames
Dancing on My Grave - Silverstein : Transitions
Natural Born Chaos - Soilwork : Natural Born Chaos
Blind Eye Halo - Soilwork : Stabbing The Drama (STD)
Chalk Outline - Three Days Grace
Phantom Self - Sepultura
Anything to Numb - Varials
#FUCK - Nova Prospekt
I Try So Hard - Tribal Ink
Try to Be Me - Tribal Ink
Ignition - Trivium
Obliviate - That's Outrageous (fuck the next song Vyvanse Trance)
2012 - The Word Alive
reDestructDead - Mercenary
We Will All Evolve - Our Last Night
Hollow Bastion - Defiler
Toxicity - System of a Down
Du Hast - Rammstein (music video)
Feuer Frei - Rammstein
The Final Episode - Asking Alexandria : Stand Up and Scream
15 Pieces of Flare - The Amity Affliction : Youngbloods
Blind - Korn
What's Left of Me - blessthefall : Witness
Carrion - Call of Duty: Black Ops II Zombies
Archangel - Call of Duty: Black Ops II Zombies
Second & Sebring - Of Mice and Men
Fuck Love - All That Remains : Victim of the New Disease
512 - Lamb of God
Mute - Blaqk Audio
Santa's Pissed - Motionless in White (5 severed ADHD meds - d/l methamp, solo d-amp, d/l methylphenidate)
11:13 p.m. - I've been hacking acidic stuff up from my stomach pretty recently when watching Always Sunny and South Park or when I vape. I've also had some strange shitting and eating habits to stockpile adrenal resources. The heels of my feet are very in focus and bulging. My toenails feel as if they are missing sometimes.
December 21, 2021: I have $25 left to my name. The government, Platinum Club, and Atlantian Nigger Society friends have drained my money into the dirt for their own sadistic purposes. I can't use the internet still. I can't even find out the symptoms of the Omicron COVID-21 virus in this news article. I can barely read headlines on my shitty 3G phone signal. ESA is evil. My dog has been here watching me suffer the whole time. My mom watched me suffer until she perished. In her final moments, I didn't even get to tell her my next year would be shredded by my disorder. She died believing I had grown out of the "ADHD" or never had it. I hate this fucking place.
7:42 p.m. - Evolution will guarantee the creation of better variants of my ADHD mutations which are even better suited to defeating the tyranny imposed by things like alcohol and the government using new resources like computers. The more I resist and spread my message, the more evolution is guaranteed to be subconsciously receptive to the idea I propagate.
12:40 a.m. - When laser weapons become prominent enough, humans might evolve to beat them by firing lasers out of their eyes like how faster and stronger adrenal reserves help beat other organisms relying on more primitive mechanisms. Reflecting light in a wheel around the eye using things like the retina focusing mechanism can make this happen. Even when literal light speed laser weapons come to the hands of the common folk, I know humanity will evolve to beat that too.
December 22, 2021: I have $11 in cash to my name now. Whatever dastardly plan the gangs and government had for me, this is as far as it goes for them.
December 23, 2021: I've been spinning The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 for a while. It has a lot of the imagery and knowledge I've had to accumulate by myself about my disorder. Are these street gangsters and government gangsters gonna play my story again? I sure would like it in a hit or miss kinda way. It (their reality) is a little disembodied and distanced from my reality. The alcohol scenes are vicious to my psyche when combined with knowledge of ADHD. I don't see anybody smoke a cigarette in the whole movie, but that plated guy was smoking meth he scraped from his blood. My mom didn't tell me about her getting drunk and smoking cigarettes while pregnant one night until right after I quit my ADHD medication. She blamed it on her loneliness, depression, and lack of attention from my father. I was losing my mind, and when she told me that, I remember feeling a flash of shock and wonder like the problem haunting me my whole life had just been solved. I told her I forgave her in the same little conversation that took place in about two minutes when I was sitting in front of the living room TV and she was in the doorway betwixt the kitchen, hallway, and living room. About a year and a half ago, my cousin Jonathon lied to me and said he dropped me on my head. He might also part of that government conspiracy. He works in the military as a mechanic. Why would he try to lie to me to try to get me to believe I don't have ADHD?
There are lots of cool details in that movie. It's very well written and produced from start to finish. I'm certain a very intelligent military ghost writer wrote most if not all of it. Knowing myself, some dude in the military probably wrote and directed the whole thing. Maybe he even acted in it. The amount of "insider" knowledge here mocks me, but it also helps me easily make my case about ADHD in a way that sticks around with people forever.
Strange Neural Deceleration Disorder things I need info on that would frequently be useful given their occurrence around my medication start date of 8/24/21:
List 1. The 3D sky blue wires drawing in thin air: 12/19/21, ~4 months of amp
Cholinergic?
They weren't blue when I was a kid. They were rainbow, and sometimes they still are. That's probably a combination with PCP2 inhibition.
3D air illusions are much rarer.
I feel extreme wonder when seeing this. It's very mesmerizing.
Evolutionary benefit: mental entertainment?
2. The solid, bright, scarlet ground paintings like blood shining in the sun with rainbow traces curling up like wings: 8/30/21
Cholinergic, appear to mediate the rainbow hallucinations induced by blocking PCP2. It prevented most of the
rainbow lines from being seen. The rainbow lines appeared as if they were in 3D space this time, but maybe there were just conveniently placed in my mind's eye to supplement the 3D painting on my bed.
I felt a fondness for the thought of defeating an enemy
Perhaps it can enhance physical power by removing certain physical limitations present in safe conditions.
Perhaps it can enhance physical power by somehow extending or recycling the extremely limited adrenal system in battle
Evolutionary benefit: fighting and drinking blood of an enemy to continue an adrenal assault?
3. The solid, crimson red square wall paintings that fell like they were gravitating : 12/19/21, ~4 months of amp
Probably separate from those paintings on the floor. Cholinergic?
I don't recall emotional content or logical thought.
Evolutionary benefit: Watching porn and other media makes me think straight sexual intercourse since it's like a woman's period? It's also like blood falling in the distance reminiscent of continuing an attack on an enemy while feeling no pain and emotional distress to stop.
4. The PCP2 numbing hallucinations : Occurred most of the time I was medicating August 2021 to January 2022, peaked after six days on 8/30/21 and decayed after September. Mostly gone in January after 5 months.
2D rainbow mind's eye wires
Happiness
Laughter
Counteracts amphetamine addiction
Evolutionary benefit: mental entertainment, quicker processing of visual input like enemy facial expressions : https://www.jneurosci.org/content/28/36/8873
5. The NMDA numbing hallucinations : Occurred most of the time I was medicating August 2021 to January 2022, but seemed to peak 8/30/21 and rise to resurgence in December
The white light like a full moon in the mind's eye or 2D solid color lattices and other shapes like squares
Evolutionary benefit: a mental fence from external threats, mental entertainment?
6. The solid, bright, sun yellow spots with rainbow traces when I woke up at 7:00 a.m. a few weeks ago : 12/8/21
Cholinergic?
Likely responsible for seeing multiple rainbow women at the same time.
It could be related to moving human limbs faster for running or subverting prey.
I believe I saw this as I ate a ton of tasty food and worked on my computer. It appears to be manifesting more and more as I crave amphetamine.
Evolutionary benefit: running down a goal like food (or amphetamine in my case) like the cheetah in the banana honey trees or grassy savanna
7. The shifting of the color grey into things like Zoda when I'm in the dark and the coloring of black to grey
Generally a proportional metamorphosis with respect to distance
Greatly enhanced by sweet tea and other sources of caffeine
Cholinergic?
I frequently saw this as a kid as this would form the body of the Michael Myers I would see at night while the NMDA hallucinations presumably would form the white face, and it's also like that scene where Jason went up to the little girl in Friday the 13th Part VI
Scared me as a kid but amuse me now since I can't be scared
Evolutionary benefit: enhancement of close range recognition of enemies in the dark since long range is interfered? I'm unconvinced this has any sort of evolutionary benefit and may just be neural damage from NDD. Yet why would they persist even when medicating?
8. The silencing of the spoken lies around me as I screamed out my own while blacked out (blinded, deafened, and unconscious) : 9/19/21
This happened at Publix only one time under duress of amphetamine and many simultaneous lies. I blacked out for a couple seconds and screamed, "I'm taking my Adderall at 8." I blacked out for a couple seconds and blacked in at the tail end of me yelling and feeling great distress. I was able to calm down quickly and speak in a normal tone very quickly.
I have a memory of doing this when jumping around to keep the doctors from grabbing me and giving me my shots when I was a kid. I remember blacking in and out, and I think I was having some sort of adrenal response during that time to keep them from pinning me down. It took four doctors holding me down to give me a few shots in my butt. I still remember the clacking sound the shot device made. I also remember doing this in the gym at Britt David while crying out, "It's too hot." to a teacher in the middle of a hot flash and blackout.
Evolutionary benefit: protecting my brain from the lies like that song Mute by Blaqk Audio while warding off enemies by screaming my own lies. It also reminds me of Requiem by Lamb of God. Perhaps that taking away sight and sound can enhance the output of the adrenal response.
9. My broken DAT system
This was proven by the pain and regression I saw from using methylphenidate while my peers didn't notice a difference. This is pain like being caned at the stake and wishing to say the word "No."
Speech impediments like infrequent stammering during periods of inner revelation?
Evolutionary benefit: independent work
Questions about the interactions of these things:
1. How does the adrenal system interact in relation to other items above for thinking faster, moving faster, increased strength, and slower, longer, more easily triggered time dilation? The military must have the answers I seek. Though AI robots will make such a skill obsolete for conventional warfare, revolutions and guerilla warfare will thrive. I would likely see the color black or no change in vision at all since powerful, archaic, vestigial mechanisms surrounding the adrenal system would be there. These would likely hold more weight and grant more power than the more colorful things I've found so far.
2. What do these things mean for having sex, talking, other interactions with women? Could I tighten their vagina like I did with Taylor in January 2021 but without the use of anesthetics?
3. Would any of these phenomena pass down to the genes of a child? Could only the characteristics I consider positive be passed down to a child?
4. These things will get worse as I age like an early onset dementia. Perhaps one day amphetamine won't even work anymore. What unlisted things happen when I get old?
Other things I want details on in relation to my NDD disorder that are supposed to be buried by my amphetamine schedule:
1. The euphoric swirling sensation in my head at night. It was like my brains were being swirled around my entire head in October 2017.
2. Black cholinergic floor textures
In November 2017, I saw a forward flowing river of like 40 black or dark grey variations of the capital letter A textured in the ZBT hallway. They were embedded and flowed from my feet twenty feet down the hallway and turned right into the stairwell.
It seemed like a manifestation of my overall will for the future to eat amphetamine, progress my capabilities, and write literature. It was vaguely reminiscent of my meth experience, but I never saw any letters or words in the black and grey hallucinations in the hardwood floor and carpet.
3. The numerous black hands I saw receding to the environment on 12/31/2016
4. A poetic writing tendency
I found this in the depths of my disorder notably in June 2017, March 2018, and August 2020
My desire to create poetry has decreased as I medicate with amphetamine
Appears unrelated to poetic tendencies from other things like ketamine and PCP which is not applicable to other dissos
I think people in the music industry somehow abuse meth and destroy their own cells to find this
Perhaps this could be explained by something found in alcohol and Edgar Allen Poe
What other new phenomena can I expect to unravel in my future? When I get old, will those things that should be buried become more recurring despite my attempts to fix them with amphetamine?
10:14 p.m. - A great allegory for my current situation is Upton Sinclair's expose The Jungle, a book describing the awful meat packing factory conditions. I wonder if they'll welcome it again in the sequel, The ChainJungle Meat Packer 2.
<<Neither Well Nor Fair>>
December 24, 2021: 8:34 a.m. - The government formulation of 25:75 levo-dextro amphetamine ratio of Adderall to "calm down" and educate children with ADHD was a blatant fuck up. They did it on purpose. There is extensive literature and media concerning norepinephrine dependent dopaminergic action. The excessive fuckups I endured and pushed on my mother as a child were largely the government's fault. The formulation is supposed to be a 50:50 levo-dextro amp combo to prevent excess dopaminergic fuckups. Perhaps a 100% levoamphetamine formulation would be useful at the very start of the treatment, followed by the 50:50 racemic mixture when the child's behavior is more focused.
The higher ratio of levoamphetamine should make sure "the food plate gets licked clean" and prevent ADHD children from being "dog dicks" in neural disequilibrium. Also, ADHD causes certain social issues like dissociation where excess dopaminergic activity forcing excess social interaction is a negative.
11:57 a.m. - I violently dry heaved the same acidic nastiness into the sink for about five minutes this time. One of those stalker pricks on Modern Warfare mentioned, "I bet we make you sick". These gangs and government agents know this will be the response, and not only have they hidden it from me, but they have forced it on me as sadistic torture. It's like that episode of Always Sunny regarding Fight Milk.
1:09 p.m. - This drug induced sadism the U.S. government is propagating through the use of methylphenidate, dextroamphetamine, and methamphetamine originated with the drug revolution of the early 1900's. The Nazi experiments with methamphetamine and cocaine resulted in a natural desire for sadism. Now, 100 years later, the same problem with a drug revolution, technological revolution, and industrial revolution is happening. Nobody wants to care, and nobody wants to help. There is no not seeing this problem if the future is to be secured. I don't want to see modern American Nazi experiments like I see in my and my mom's past, present, and future. Smaller historical examples shedding light to this current situation are the Roman Colosseum or The Running of the Bulls. Yellow journalism propagated from factory farmhouses force feeding immobile chickens in steroids and antibiotics is a good example of my ADHD and STD situation over the past 26 years. Chickens cannot be allowed to evolve in those conditions just like people cannot be made to evolve like that as it is not sustainable.
December 25, 2021: 7:29 a.m. - As the Nazis retreated to Berlin in WWII, they infamously burned their critical infrastructure like bridges and weapons plants to slow down the Allied Powers in their advance. This is just like the whole government and gangs fucking up everything in my life as they realize the potential for their charades to be exposed and destroyed. Hunter Biden, son of Joe Biden who looks like a cokehead, smokes crack with prostitutes. I have made no progress in my life even though I'm the only one as far as I can see in publicly recorded history with this disorder. My bridges have all been burned by these American Nigger Nazis of the Atlantian Nigger Society.
8:25 a.m. - ESA has been trying to kick me out without an eviction for a bit now. I've told at least three different people they will have to file a formal notice of eviction with the courts, and they ignore my request every time. I told Mark Tommy, Natasha, and some other black dude. They didn't even wear masks with the Omicron resurgence of COVID in 2021 despite the mayor's mask mandate resurfacing four days ago. They complained to me about the mask thing back when I was relying on my initial immunity from March to June last year. They want to kick me out onto the street with my ADHD mental retardation, an unknown STD from their gang, and COVID-21 tearing apart the worldwide community. I expect they'll play this game again as soon as I leave here. Without a doubt, they will isolate and harass someone again while claiming they are snowflakes who can't handle screams from horror movies bleeding into the hallway a little bit. They're here knocking on my door, but they still have to file an eviction notice.
9:57 a.m. - I'm still working on a story concerning a Satanic cult controlling a wintry motel in Fluorescent Mountain in Alaska. I think my recent analyses of Nazi Germany and modern America will help.
3:22 p.m. - I suspect since the Bloods gang here has the jail in their control, they do not fear repercussions for sadistically harassing their fellow citizens. I'm not a fan of communism, but why am I not addressed relatively respectfully as something like "Citizen Joseph"? I believe in sustainably working for your fair share and supporting those who can't. I've had my faults in the past, but I've more than made up for improving my mental health and bolstering the wellness of people around me despite their antagonism the last few years. Yet here I am trapped in a motel owned by gangs and stalked up and down the street as every business I enter is filled with these same harassers. People throw pennies at me and laugh just like the brother of that kid I played with down the street at Mooney Lake when I was 10. My mom told me to go look for friends, and I found some friends, but that guy Tate and his older friends started smoking weed and getting involved with gangs at age 14 while I was 10. I broke off my friendship from them when we were having a rock war, and they wouldn't stop throwing rocks at me when I asked them for a ceasefire. They just kept pummeling me and laughing. I left and never came back even though we were friends for like a year or so. His mom had some drug and domestic abuse problems with her drug dealer husband. It was kinda sad, but I was still on Adderall so I sure didn't want to get involved with more drugs back then. Taking my 6th grade drug education class inspired me to try as hard as I could to convince my mom to pull me off Adderall. I stopped for a day, and quit because I noticed my emotions coming out. I told my mom I wanted to quit because I thought I didn't have ADHD and was just being placated. I specifically said, "It is suppressing my emotions." It took a day or two of convincing, but she took me off it. The results weren't great, and I don't remember the time too well. I got my first F in my English class that next semester.
10:36 p.m. - Thinking about burying the devil of devilish drugs like the excessively dopaminergic dextroamphetamine for people who don't have the biological prerequisites to sustain it, I find an analogy in all the dogs from 102 Dalmatians getting rid of dog hoarder Cruella Deville.
December 26, 2021: 2:29 p.m. - Last night at about 10 p.m., demonic faces and creatures like foxes and stuff like Yugioh monsters were creeping toward me from the dark recesses of my room. It vaguely reminds me of times I had at night when I was a kid. I saw an orange fox like the Firefox logo but lying down straight and showing a toothy grin on a box two meters from my bed where I lay. It was formed from an orange rhombus with "HP" written on the top right. Sometimes I was surprised by the visual noise so much I made an audible "Oh" like when Bubba is leaning off the railing near the end of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. Perhaps the grandma lady at the end with white hair and the steel ball above her head is reminiscent of an ADHD woman who died back in the 70's. It can also mean lots of other things like a real life family's grandmother, alcohol's fat hoggish range of effects including mild glutaminergic effects at high doses, ketamine, serotonin, or the dark recesses of the human body which people like to call their soul. I assume the steel ball means the gang want my ADHD-STD balls for a transplant, transfusion, or research. Perhaps there is some sort of unique synergy which can be achieved between a man and a woman when one or both has ADHD. I'd still like to know what all this means, and why I have been denied life saving ADHD information in lieu of some dark government and gang secret. I intend to push all information about my disorder into the radio waves to once and for all chain up what I saw.
December 27, 2021: 11:43 a.m. - I feel so Jewish hoarding my brains using the gift of amphetamine. It's a good thing I put my story out on the radio waves and copied it to multiple servers. There are a lot of people here forming this Neo American Nigger Nazi Society (N.A.N.N.S.). Hoarding information and money and using this to exploit people for research was inspired by large scale Nazi experiments on Jews. Given the Philippines extensive abuse of undesirables like drug addicts, it wouldn't surprise me if the exact same thing was happening there. It is rumored the Chinese do this on a large scale, but given their extraordinarily large population and some recognition of sustainability and slow democratic transition opposite of the direction of the Philippines, I'm doubtful of that claim. Perhaps it is a distraction of the American media oligarchy to make people hate the Chinese while ignoring the problems that occur here like with my ADHD-STD double whammy. Meanwhile, the U.S. government fights proxy wars using the Bloods gang to round up and isolate undesirables in motels while feasting on their misery only to dump them to the streets to be sadistically murdered by some downtrodden, melted face homeless meth addict with no dopaminergic or serotonergic neurons with which to take pleasure in life anymore. Bureaucratic information systems keep the government's lackeys blind to the problems they cause while they relish in their "good deeds" of destroying undesirables like alleged drug addicts or pedos. In a supposition of the problem's future, the average down syndrome guy down the street in the 99 floor building could get 10,000 gang members and 50,000 children swarming him all shouting different demands and creating AI driven "deepfake" videos to sadistically torture and kill him while the sadistic U.S. government kicks back in the White House and watches it on the big screen.
December 28, 2021: The Neo Atlantian Nagger Nazi Society Witch Trials are soon concluding. My mom's Salem 100's cigarettes are now transferring over to me.
12:23 p.m. - Like in that first episode of The Boondocks, The Garden Party, president Ronald Reagan of 1986 probably had info about my disorder and drugs like levoamphetamine which is contained in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 which he probably saw in a private theater. The silent majority is destroying my life as a member of a solo vocal minority, severe ADHD people, which should be distinguished from people who want to use drugs a performance enhancer, not mislabeled as ADHD X, ADHD Y, or ADHD Z like some Zoda X, Y, and Z out of Zoda's Revenge, the last game for the NES. My mom showed me all those games like the first two Zeldas and Super Mario 1 and 3.
10:22 p.m. - All of this media about ADHD is crafted by government ghost authors placating small groups of individuals with problems like ADHD and alcohol addiction so they believe they have more support than they really do. It's like religion giving the idea there are mystical people in the sky supporting you from the shadows. It's like the slave masters having "house slaves" which would give the field slaves some sense of rank and status ascension. Perhaps their next target is to placate schizophrenics and exploit them in much the same manner as me.
December 29, 2021: I remember I was listening to Theatre of Robots by LoveHateHero (probably government involved with ghost writers and such) and thinking about the lyrics in my 6th grade English class with Mrs. Graham when I decided I was going to abstain from Adderall for a day to see how I felt. Then the next night I begged my mom on to quit for a bit, and after some convincing about my emotional state, she conceded.
8:38 p.m. - I can't believe nobody has said anything about how there is no document of ADHD anywhere else. It must be written somewhere and kept safe, but it must have spilled out into the Bloods gang and other places using the internet. Yet, nobody thought it necessary and proper to publicly publish that information anywhere. It is nowhere to be found for those who truly need it: the poor. That lady Zalak said, "We just have to keep him away from her." It sounded so strange and serious, and at first I thought it was the typical meth joke I might get from having some facial deformities. I think now it has to do with the erased history of my predecessors with ADHD. Perhaps it relates to the strange ending of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. Aside from that, I didn't start really understanding why I get lots of lies and blank stares until this March after understanding more about the meth epidemic. Even back in high school, some girl once said to my opinion on Hollywood Undead, "No they're trash." She wouldn't progress the conversation forward after that. I suppose this is why everyone at Verizon Connect seemed to be using aliases and wasting my time. At first I thought it was because I was poor and disordered and they were assholes, but now I see they truly do intend to masquerade me as a "normy" without ADHD, use me for research, and kill me. I remember 10 years ago when my family had no money for three months and I had to go through August to November of sophomore year of high school without lights. One or two of those months, we also had no water. There was no AC because it was on and off working when my mom could manage to do home repairs on it. There was no heat that winter until November when my mom got the job at KMart. She was fired like a year later for getting into a fight with a black woman. I told Teja at Verizon Connect about the three months in poverty, and she said, "I would like that." She sounded like she knew something she shouldn't. She always said she liked "honey" with the same creepy grin.
December 30, 2021: 8:00 a.m. - Though it's been a few weeks since I remember this happening so vividly, I woke up this morning to lots of chaotic rainbow swirls and spots. I've run out of protein aside from multivitamins. Breezy hasn't been eating properly and looks ready to pounce whenever I get his attention. He does a worried crouch when at rest. His shit is bloody for the past two days. He hasn't peed in like 36 hours. He can sense the chemical responses to afar human attacks. I don't have any money, and everyone is still stalking, harassing, and laughing at me. I'm not even going outside anymore since people wait outside ESA to fuck with me. I take Breezy to the bathtub for now. He still seems fine. I suppose this is in response to my agitation to the outside world. I guess people out there know what's going on, and they're probably laughing about that too. Money is the weapon being used to starve, gut, and kill me like how the sheriff in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 gutted Leatherface with a chainsaw. Now my body is eating itself to survive.
11:15 a.m. - I remember that Zalak chick from Verizon Connect also saying, "Why is it always a J?" to make me feel insecure. I'm trying to think of other strange stuff I saw or heard at Verizon Connect. My boss Atul Suri was creepy. He is the kind of guy you wouldn't want to be a manager, nanny, or prison guard. He would always try to make me feel insecure. However, he was not quite evilly inclined as I saw in Teja. He just likes breaking people's balls which isn't very managerial. Teja is a pure evil sadist. I remember I went to work after being vehemently and silently out for two days after quitting my ADHD meds, and Atul asked in a low, serious tone, "You have the disability?" Back then, I still thought there were others like me. Also, the day I quit my ADHD meds in February 2020, Teja would not work with me. I was working alone in a room, and she came in there, started talking shit, and refused to close the door because "it's hot." She also wouldn't leave, saying, "No, we have to learn to work together." I whimpered a little cry and told her in a low tone not to try to hurt my feelings. This was after 9 months of working together from June 2019 to February 2020. She intended to destroy my life at every turn. Another weird thing she would say in a weirdly happy tone is, "I think I'll get some tea." Perhaps she was a meth (T) and coke user. Given her attitude, I've suspected as much, but I can't prove it.
8:21 p.m. - With mass media about ADHD, I used to think there were millions of others like me when I was a kid. Over the years, that number dwindled until a few months ago when I realized it would be virtually impossible for someone of my nature and virtue to be silent on such an obscure yet negatively pervasive issue in society. About a year ago, I was thinking there were about ten or so individuals who stayed at home and wrote books like I wanted when I was a kid. Given what I've learned and endured since then with Taylor, the stalking, and the strange conversation around town, I think I have been shoved under the rug by the government, gangs, and pharmaceutical industry to propagate STD and cancer research with obscure dissociating abilities with NMDA, PCP2, muscarinic, and acetylcholine receptors. It feels like probably like the albino children in African feel in regards to witch hunts.
10:11 p.m. - I'm going to call some family members to explain my destitution, running out of food today, and failure to get a job over 16 months in Atlanta, Seattle, Portland, and Boston. For every cent spent for my upkeep, I'll pay that back with an interest rate of 10%, quadruple the average inflation rate because I have the propensity to make $100,000 or more salary and return the favor. I'm also being stalked by gang members all over Atlanta who seem to want to push me out onto the street. I also got an STD from this pretty girl and can't see the doctor until I have a stable income.
Essential question: What are your concerns with X? Z. Why, or can you be more specific?
People I'm going to call:
Vickie -> if not, ask for refs (NC, Columbus, etc.)
Jonathon -> he was military, so talk about that with relation to me treating my disorder
Crystal
Linda Fisher -> if not, ask for refs
Kenneth Cantrell (Skeet)
December 31, 2021: 11:50 a.m. - Faulting is a polarizing form of disparaging media.
3:50 p.m. - My experience right now can be likened to the Europeans' conquest of the Native Americans, cultivation of the newfound land of the sadist drug tobacco, and the spread of syphilis.
12:31 a.m. - My body is eating itself to survive and maintain my adrenal stores. I'm tripping balls randomly all over the place. My head was burning earlier. My head hurts now. I had like 50 grams of protein two days ago. I had 10 grams of protein yesterday with a half slice of pepperjack cheese and some multivitamins. Today, I've had about 5 grams of protein with spaghetti noodles, blueberry muffin mix, and some almonds. I just ate one of Breezy's small Snausage dog treats. The government and various gangs stalking me chose for our lives to be this way.
January 1, 2022: 4:26 p.m. - I was scissor cutting my hair in the kitchen while watching the ending of Kenny Dies of South Park. As Cartman says, "It's a miracle", the queue in KMPlayer automatically queued and played You're Getting Old and Assburgers. I'm not sure of the extent to which my software and computer is tampered. I believe parts of my computer were specially modified by the government including the CPU and GPU fan seating, some keys like my left scratched Alt key's letter T and scratched, shining J home key indent, and my Windows installation's GPU driver handling. KMPlayer is still just about the same software it was when I started using it. Are people in China using something else, and how can I get the new stuff given KMPlayer looks and runs soooo much better than VLC? Why is Windows stagnant? Why are most parts of the software industry stagnating and becoming less efficient? Is it really because of sadist gangsters and government bureaucrats?
4:53 p.m. - Trickle down economics pushed by the likes of Ronald Reagan is a way to keep the poor hopeful while the rich sadistically prey on their weaknesses, similar to religious revolutions in cultures like the early Christians or the Aztec gods. Free universal basic income without honest work perpetuates this system as the rich trickle down free income to those they which to corral and exploit. This creates the problem of both sides becoming more unstable as the rich become more sadistic and the poor become more placated or harbor more insidious feelings.
January 2, 2022: 11:14 a.m. - I smoked a bit of resin, stood up, and hugged the softest blanket in the world last night for like five minutes. No matter how hard I hugged it, it was still soft. I wore it like a fancy king's cloak for a bit too. I also hugged myself for a while and took great pleasure in that. I don't know this mechanism. Perhaps it is some infantile hormone meant to be sealed away in those without a specific disorder. My lips got super numb like when a dentist fixed a cavity for me.
5:36 p.m. - I've applied to Homesite Insurance, Hulu, Bloomberg, and Jetbrains, but I don't have a phone to accept calls. I've started including free download keys so employers can check out my paid works FMA and Infernight.
<Retrospective> 5/15/22: I was listening to Five Ninety on repeat for hours during this part of the government and gang mandated hunger strike.
January 3, 2022: 12:12 p.m. - Massive speculation in novel trading methods like the novel and easily generated currencies and commodities of the likes of Bitcoin, Microsoft points, Dogecoin, and Magic the Gathering cards will cause massive inflation and confusion in the global economy as the value of the national currency diminishes and the value of minor currencies in the hands of gangs rapidly fluctuates. This is just like the massive speculation in examining and trading portions of the value of a company, stock. In the 1920's, this caused a great boom of the economy as faith in the company value increased, but like politicians, the real value of a company is in its actual output rather than the faith of its constituents. United States currency should be modernized with anonymity like Monero in the age of rapid Internet communication and accompanying sadism, and all currently illegal currencies like Bitcoin and Microsoft points should have their ban enforced by the judges.
10:06 p.m. - I just got my Johnsonville bratwurst hot dogs boiling on the stove. I've been surviving on Lifesavers, multivitamins (double dose), Crisco vegetable oil, and Snausage treats. I have like 10 Lifesavers and 10 Snausage treats left.
11:24 p.m. - At about 9 p.m., I was denied a key card into my room at ESA, despite informing the management and staff I still needed one and a formal court eviction notice because I can't pay.
1:30 a.m. - As my eyes close, where do the eyes of the aristocracy linger? Peering to the end of my misery, I will see the world on the morrow. Every day I sit here as I have for 17 months, especially when starving, I garner more pride in my eternal death.
January 4, 2022: 10:24 a.m. - I refuse to support a society that casts its members as jesters dancing in a king's hall to be whimsically thrown to the lions in the Colosseum. I refuse to support a society that monetarily enslaves its members to fight a losing battle. I refuse to support a lifestyle that is unsustainable at the whim of the rich. I will not take a job that doesn't fairly give me the resources I need to survive. I demand a fair trade from those who were born with and maintain vast stocks of Earth's resources. I demand to work at "Trader Joe's" and refuse to work at "Easy Mo Tell".
12:45 p.m. - I can't quite prove it, but I think in this period of starvation at the whim of the rich, I sacrificed parts of my body from my dopamine system to maintain my norepinephrine and adrenal systems. I think the burning I felt in my head was the result of my transporter neurons being sacrificed as their connections were also sacrificed. I've felt similar sensations traveling outside without having proper food intake under the duress of amphetamine. I have not yet seen my efforts reciprocated by the rich in these past 17 months. In fact, they have fought me at every step I take to peer into their world. My past is marred with mutual disdain shone down unto me without reflection.
4:28 p.m. - In addition to a dopamine releasing neuron problem, I still think my body has a specific dopamine DX receptor cell type that is different from normal people. I think I get a dysphoric reaction from activation of that receptor whereas normal people get a positive reaction. This would be in line with my DAT and NET inhibition experiments where I get a dysphoric experience and other people somehow get a net benefit like Matthew Torrance's math skills.
8:17 p.m. - I've thought about this before, but perhaps the answer lies in the receptor target differences of DMT and LSD, where the former appears to have some sense of dopaminergic dysphoria for me while the latter does not. Given the myriad of things in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, I wonder if the answer I seek was found by the U.S. military in some former person's DNA with ADHD. Given the secrecy of the organization, I'll never find the answer there. There's a paper describing these substances' binding affinities, but not all of its information appears to be accurate. It's difficult to measure the binding affinity of a substance across a myriad of materials and shapes like brain membranes and calf muscle octagonal pegs. I also don't have proof I have a mutated DX receptor type so I'll just have to wait to discover such an answer.
9:35 p.m. - I've been seeing lots of solid red gashes appear over my vision. I'm not sure what mechanism this is. Given its overlay in my mind's eye rather than an imprint in 3D space, it appears to be the destruction and rebirth of my NMDA neurons which appear to be tied moreso with the dopamine system, but this is conjecture.
10:35 p.m. - I've also been seeing colored lattices and blocks that are usually one color per object rather than rainbow. I saw a massive square meter and half transparent red square overlaying the corner of the wall at like 6:45 p.m. Another smaller one about half its size was just to its left hugging the top of the wall. They didn't look embedded in the wall like the one I saw under my lamps. It was likely an NMDA reaction.
January 5, 2022: 2:10 p.m. - I've started applying for jobs in Fremont, CA and San Diego, CA. I applied to Nvidia, Ancestry, Zoom, and Qualcomm. I'll wait until Friday, and next I'll try applying around LA and some other states.
January 6, 2022: 11:47 a.m. - I'm still trying to rebuild aspects of my broken down dopamine and NMDA glutamate system. I still see the red slashes fading in and out all around my vision. They were most prominent around 10:30 a.m. this morning. Levoamphetamine is dissipated from my body around 8:30 a.m. every morning, and dextroamphetamine is dissipated from my body around 10:00 a.m. Aside from this, my cells have great expectations of a refill at 11 a.m. Also, my body reacts to the beginning of these drugs' expulsion from my body after their peaks, at about 7:42 a.m. and 8:30 a.m., respectively. This sometimes makes it difficult to determine the exact cause of distortions in my body, like the pain in the right side of my head or the rebirth of my hands' gripping ability, which I feel right now. I think gripping ability has something to do with the DAT or NET transporters. Pain in my head is easy to misattribute because the brain is very multifunctional and malleable. I suspect the pain is due to the disequilibrium with maintenance of things in my brain while rebuilding the things that were lost. Perhaps I am sending a signal to release dopamine, and as it is carried to the DX receptors, a dopamine transporter neuron has been severed and sacrificed to maintain my more closely entangled norepinephrine, PCP2, and adrenal system. Therefore, when the DX receptor cell signals for the dopamine neurotransmitter to be recycled back to my body by DAT, the signal is lost, and the dopamine DX neuron cannot facilitate the energy necessary to carry out its job. Somehow a pain signal is sent by the DX cell as it signals it is overconsuming energy, or the neurotransmitter is forced out of the cell and into the body in an unorthodox manner, where dopamine may cause damage by being forced into a part of the body it does not belong. This is all conjecture of what could macroscopically happen.
If there were other biological sacrifices made during my "hunger strike", I'm not aware of them. I'd expect the serotonin system to be sacrificed after the dopamine system. Perhaps aspects of the long term memory system would be sacrificed too. One by one, I would internally trade away parts of my human body that are unnecessary for the capture of food in modern society. This would be followed by a biologically natural, socially nurtured, and unbalanced maddening push for food.
4:22 p.m. - I smoked a bit of already vaped bud, and it spawned in my field of vision to the left of my computer screen a blue circuit board that very quickly transformed to green. The circuit board was like 2 nodes (10 cm) across at the top, 5 nodes across at the 1/3 down the 17" inch screen, and one node at the bottom hanging down like it was a blanket draped over the edge of the top of my computer screen. The nodes were circles that were almost a centimeter in diameter, and they were connected by lines of the same solid color which were only a couple millimeters across. I saw some brief flashes of simple hallucinations I can't remember that appeared to beckon for me to smoke more, and then that circuit board flash happened. It alleviated the pain in the right side of my head, and it felt like I was restoring dopaminergic connections in my prefrontal cortex. It felt like an intensely positive glutaminergic NMDA reaction.
5:01 p.m. - Like 10 minutes ago, I could briefly see myself in the wall as I lay down on my bed. I was formed of shrouded, misty rainbows, and my face was mostly white with a big grin.
8:36 p.m. - I can't help but wonder if any of the things happening today are a result of an unnatural rebuilding of my mutated cells. If undying softness is a result of a lack of some mechanism, what is the result of that same mechanism being fulfilled or overly fulfilled? I don't think I am meant to touch such things. It seems like a child's mechanism for finding comfort in a womb or in the crib. I don't recall such a feeling in my life before this unnatural starvation under the duress of building and maintaining myself with my amphetamine schedule. I never starved like that as a kid, even though I was often hungry at night due to my medicated disorder. The obvious experimentation on me at the hands of the government and gang over the past few years, notably since my mother's death in October 2017, makes me paranoid about my future. How many people have entered my life since then with the sole intention of destroying my life despite having some sort of knowledge of my disorder? How many people in the last four years of my life have been mere torturous puppets?
January 7, 2022: 11:18 a.m. - I got up at 7 a.m. as usual, snoozed until 8 a.m., and then I slept in until 11 a.m. My front and right side of my head hurt a lot when I went to sleep last night, but it doesn't hurt now and didn't hurt when I woke up. I'm still looking for a sustainable career. Anything less than a sustainable monetary trade with a corporation means certain death in the face of the world's blatant acknowledgement of its intention to ease my life into the ground over the past 18 months. I must afford housing, food, and health care, and anything less than that means society will continue using money as a weapon against me.
12:28 p.m. - The American justice system needs to remediate its punishment system because relinquishing money has a disparaging effect between rich and poor. For the rich owners of ESA motels, they whimsically abuse folks by hiding behinds piles of money and anonymity. The justification these rich folk use is that the cost of small time crimes under the guise of a corporation can be paid using money. Paying this money guarantees they will be able to continue this behavior. Even if the punishments become more severe, seats in the corporation like CEO or concierge can be swapped and made anonymous so that each person in the corporate gang can share in the punishment to lessen the overall impact of the justice system. Eventually, the corporation can be dissolved and rebuilt under a different name like Extended Move America (EMA), and the whole process of ramping up punishments begins again. Under this system, those rich and middle class folk continue to sadistically abuse those around them without worry. The poor continue to feel worse and worse, and the constant threat of slow torture and death by monetary means weighs on the minds of the poor. These constant affronts by different and anonymous rich folk accumulate sadness every day and eventually lead to depression in the absence of a positive support structure. For orphans and mentally handicapped folk like me, it is easier to implement and perpetuate this system. This also applies to the elderly, the sick, drug addicts, solitary women, and vulnerable adolescents.
Playing into that system of using money as a punishment and compensatory reward for negative behavior makes the situation worse as the human population and corporate world grows. I will not play into those sickening Nazi and Jew, cat and mouse games. I intend to leave Atlanta forever and seek a sustainable elsewhere to settle down in suburban Seattle.
I am a noted cynic. As a self serving cynic, I recognize the Earth and me share cyclical, reciprocated actions through everything like respiration and photosynthesis or denying job applications and becoming hungry.
3:30 p.m. - My dog has begged to go to the bathroom over ten times already today. I've locked him in the bathroom for a little bit to teach him that it's not okay. I also named the activity begging. I'll also continue to use that term when Breezy comes to me and begs for pets. Given this unusual behavior, I wonder if it has anything to do with the unusual stuff that happened yesterday. I still wonder if anything that happened yesterday was unique to my unwilling starvation and restoration process inflicted by the sadistic government and gangs with hidden knowledge of my disorder and parts of the human body. There seemed to be something different about the green circuit board I generated from the rapidly changing, beckoning visual phenomena, but it looked like the NMDA reactions I was experiencing. Perhaps it was the collaboration of my naturally evolved NMDA antagonism with some other hidden mechanism like the reverse of the softness mechanism. Or perhaps the opposite of the softness mechanism was the heavy gravitational pull I felt when sitting in my chair, which is probably the mechanism also impacted by Benadryl. The other thing that was weird was the appearance of myself in the wall. It certainly had my naturally evolved PCP2 and NMDA antagonism effects at play, but given I usually see a beautiful woman at the apex of such experiences, I wonder if there was any hidden mechanism at play. The episode of Always Sunny about fight milk and Wolf Cola mentioned pumping someone full of human growth hormone because nothing else was working. It could be that. They also talked about cutting weight and had women dressed in red shorts saying, "I don't get it." This reminds me of the cholinergic red vagina colored square that rapidly dripped down from the lamps in my room, but it also reminds me of the red NMDA reactions I experienced through my own weight cutting. The gaps in knowledge between wealthy and poor worries me not only for my own future but also anyone else with a mental disorder. My dog has done unusual stuff when I've done unusual stuff, so I'm assuming there was something strange at play yesterday and possibly lingering today. It is understood, given the nature of the universe to trade in spacetime, the bodily state of one individual of a family will greatly impact the bodily states of those other family members like parents, close friends, dogs, cats, and mice.
January 8, 2022: 12:48 p.m. - I felt unusually moody this morning. I suspect I am still feeling the consequences unbeknownst to me that were unearthed by abstaining from a proper diet. I've read the common knowledge of steroids and the mood swings they bring, and my human growth hormone activation hypothesis lines up with that if I include the knowledge from the Wolf Cola episode of Always Sunny. The single colored lines I was creating by forging new mutated NMDA cells are dissipating. The overall experience of the government and gang enforced "hunger strike" made me rather self absorbed and unwilling to engage in eye contact.
Perhaps it is part of their plan to cast me as some hopeless shitfaced drug addict in their lowest arbitrary caste. Despite my incredible prowess in the face of personal and social adversity, I believe I have been personally attacked not only by society's negligence but also by its deception. My portfolio contained on my website is massive and still growing not only in quantity but more importantly in quality. The folk around me appear to shroud themselves in secrecy to sadistically mock my attempts to circumvent their artificial obstacles. I seek to remove myself from this disdain howling at my doorstep by finding a new job in Atlanta, and I have been sadistically attacked by sadistic people like hiring coordinator Teja only concerned with their drive to, as quoted from some overly happy interviewer allegedly named Rachel, "dig deep" into the flaws of my disorder while denying any distance from their mechanistic corporate engine of masochistic servitude.
https://www.indeed.com/jobs?as_and=software+engineer&as_phr=&as_any=&as_not=&as_ttl=&as_cmp=&jt=fulltime&st=&sr=directhire&salary=%2490%2C000&radius=100&l=Arcata%2C+CA&fromage=any&limit=50&sort=date&psf=advsrch&from=advancedsearch
10:59 p.m. - I applied to VectorWorks and Samsung. I've switched to using encrypted email.
January 9, 2022: 11:24 a.m. - I hand washed some of my laundry, and I did not expect it to be so filthy and grey. I've been pounding down WhoreMail chili and Johnsonville "brats" which are really just higher quality hot dogs that I actually find palatable. The NMDA visions are present but fading, and I'm finding it easier to look into the outside world as the DA and NMDA systems are rebuilt. I was cycling through a 45 second clip of Lil Hitler for a while, and I listened to Five Ninety by blessthefall on repeat for a while. It's hard to look my pretty girl wallpaper in the eyes or anyone in real life, and it's also even harder to accept people's bullshit as I found out when I went to Publix. The gleeful deconstruction of my dopamine system by this society with widespread advanced internet communication had severe consequences, which I expect to be blamed on some arbitrary "scary" drug use. It is all lies, and I can prove it with my trail of writings and art, thus it is futile to construct an argument against my overall advancing intellect. Talking to anyone here is a waste of time. They are all waiting for me to fail as they hide behind anonymity and lies. If I can't leave Atlanta, it means certain death by starvation. If I took any other kind of job which was unsustainable for rent, food, and medicine, I would still end up in this exact same situation. Instead I sought to work on my software engineering abilities through my entrepreneurial artistic endeavors. Society has thus far seen no value in my advances. I await a response to my job applications, the denial of which means my certain death.
I still lament my mother will never know the extent of my abilities. She knew I was incredibly smart and strong since I read and wrote the most amazing stories, was the top kid in all my classes until like 10th grade, and also kept whooping these nurses' asses when they tried to give me my shots as a kid. I wish she had seen my development until the average peak of most human intellectual development at around age 25. Everyone denies my accomplishments as the lunacy of drugs, a "scary" word perpetuated by secretive fearmongers of the government who wish to hold all the powerful knowledge of the human body to use against their own people.
I assume I'll be mostly back to normal from my government mandated "hunger strike" within a week. Once I can happily sit through the entirety of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 and actually look the characters on screen in the face, I'll assume I'm back where I left off on December 28, 2021. Last night, I had a brief and slight pain in my left front brain area followed by a stronger one for like five seconds on the right side. It's now 11:49 a.m., and the red lines are slashing across my vision in Sublime Text as I type this. I'm definitely still rebuilding the things I was forced to sacrifice for the sadistic wealthy folk. I wonder what other types of cells in my body are mutated. I don't know anything about the sigma 1 system, but its power is not to be understated. I wonder how pathways in my body have evolved to accommodate natural NMDA and PCP2 dissociation for pleasure and safety. Have the pathways to my prefrontal cortex evolved to enhance my pleasure in dissociation by generating more of the pathways that are left when the PCP2 and NMDA connections are severed? I see from my shutdown of the dark magician girl in my mind's eye after quitting amphetamine that the adrenal system pushes the same information to my prefrontal cortex as the PCP2 system. The human brain is very malleable like gold but still solid as diamond. I wish I knew more about myself. I'm definitely more malleable than most, and I take pride in my simultaneous solidarity and malleability.
January 10, 2022: 12:35 p.m. - Somehow, caffeine's antagonistic effect on the adenosine receptor greatly enhances certain cholinergic hallucinations I have, namely those in the distance. Sometimes I feel close hallucinations of animals and hands embracing me, but they are very brief whereas the distant hallucinations of things like my old childhood hallucination of Michael Myers tend to linger for up to ten seconds. Animals peer at me from behind the kitchen counter and are up to a meter tall from the ground. This was way more intense when I was on my "hunger strike". Rainbow lattices are everywhere, but single colored red ones are also appearing more rarely. Just about all of the hallucinations are enhanced by weed. The cannabinoid system is very pervasive, which makes sense given its relation to hunger, which next to water is needed in just about every inch of the body. Generic figures like Zoda from Startropics II are pretty prominent when I look at my suit strung from a clothes hanger.
The adenosine system is a human mechanism evolved to inhibit exertion of energy by other mechanisms in the body, thereby saving the human energy when it doesn't need to use those other mechanisms.
3:22 p.m. - I think the adrenal system may utilize the norepinephrine transporters somehow, thereby making people who use reuptake inhibitors for those transporters unable to utilize the adrenal system. I'm not sure of all the mechanisms involved in the adrenal system as they've been mystified by the U.S. military and government, which is the main proponent of Vyvanse, Ritalin, and Adderall which focus on excluding levoamphetamine, the drug propagating stronger noradrenal and adrenal systems in the body. I'm not sure why the U.S. government would mystify its own people when it has nuclear weapons to defend against foreigners. Other governments have also followed suit or even completely denied access to prescription levoamphetamine.
That always stuck out to me back when I thought there were other people with my disorder. How could someone like me exist in a country that doesn't offer the prescription. That's when my worldview shrunk to that of less than a thousand individuals with ADHD. I thought it was reserved for a few secretive movie stars with ADHD or something. However, once I discovered there was no information regarding this unknown STD in relation to my disorder in addition to no autobiography, my worldview shrunk even more. After all this time with no help and only lies coming my way, I've decided I must be the only person here with these biological qualities called "attention deficit hyperactive disorder".
I also wonder exactly what mechanisms I've been viewing when certain connections are severed across my body. Some must be muscarinic mechanisms (MX) and others might be nicotinic mechanisms and histamine mechanisms (HX). I think the softness and weight feelings were related to the histamine system. I think the PCP2 receptor and NMDA mechanisms have a positive effect on inhibiting this STD, but I think one of my other mechanisms related to acetylcholine allows it to spread. Here is evidence inhibiting alpha7 nicotinic receptors mitigates HIV neurotoxicity:
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29379089/
This makes me super creeped out by Teja saying with a creepily happy voice, "Is it in alpha?" Also, that Paul guy said, "Nicotine?" That Sama guy was obsessed with me going to "Magic City" and definitely knew about my disorder, but he didn't tell me anything about this nor has anyone else.
Here is evidence inhibitory responses in my biology could be used for STD and cancer research:
Cancer:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4323637/
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29751795/
Glutamate inhibition prevents cancer spread
STD:
https://www.ott.nih.gov/bundle/tab-2969
EZH1 and EZH2 mechanisms are related to the histone and histamine system (HX) which I likely naturally inhibit
https://www.niaid.nih.gov/news-events/nih-herpesvirus-study-mice-leads-discovery-potential-broad-spectrum-antiviral
I'm still kept in the dark on this STD. I want to go back to school to learn more about the human body, physics, and possibly AI. However, I've been sitting here for 18 months being used by the government and various gangs for some Neo Nazi medical experiments. I assume these people want to use me for cancer research despite the fact my mother died from various forms of cancer. I don't even drink or smoke, considering that's how I got ADHD and how my mother died from cancer. I will leave Atlanta or die here. I have proved that over and over here with increasing detail.
11:03 p.m. - There was some strange "woman" named Maleficent on Modern Warfare who kept saying, "Airplane!" over and over. She also mentioned something about liking Pantera. She seemed kinda weird like one of those government types, so I friended her. I don't think I learned anything, but it supports my evidence the government has been rigorously spying on me, destroying my life, and shoveling me into the American Neo Nazi Nagger Institute for human experimentation.
January 11, 2022: 12:55 p.m. - I'm still slicing my world open with consistent bloody spurts of dopaminergic, glutaminergic, and other unknown rejuvenation. It wasn't long ago I saw three giant red slashes across my vision with the biggest taking up like 20% of my vertical field of vision. They were overlayed and intermingled with rainbow and white strings trying to form a lion, sword, woman, and other stuff I can't remember one at a time. These red slashes are usually going straight across my horizontal field of vision and take up 50% to 100% of it, but occasionally also curl to form objects. This is simply altered visual input sent to my prefrontal cortex. Not all nodes of the neural network are sending action potential cues, so the brain receives some signals it might not be meant to receive as some action potentials are inhibiting mechanisms on things like memories and subconscious imagination. Irrespective of the individual inputs, the picture I contemplate in my prefrontal cortex is the sum total of those 1's and 0's that are fast moving electrical impulses processing input from all parts of my body, from my fingers and cerebral cortex to my eyes and visual cortex.
1:56 p.m. - I wonder how the advent of sadistic drugs like Ritalin and the proliferation of naturally sadistic drugs like cocaine affects the evolution of the human race. Subtle environmental changes propagate through the organisms around them as animals have evolved to eat prey in their locale. The Aztecs, Incans, and their South American predecessors lurking where tobacco and cocaine naturally grow were infamous for warring and subsequent mass enslavement of captured nations. However, so were other groups in Eurasia like the Egyptians. In light of alcohol and tobacco use during my mom's pregnancy, I will devolve into a sadistic, hateful human without proper medication. I was left to reach this conclusion for ten years of my own experience despite the U.S. government's hidden knowledge of my disorder. With the massive rise in the quantity and proliferation of novel drugs, including over the counter "remedies" like Benadryl and Tylenol, the human race will evolve in their presence as life evolved in the presence of sunlight, air, water, and even other live cells as food. I have evolved to be dependent on amphetamine to survive, yet others like me born before amphetamine's invention in the late 1800's would not be expected to survive to age ten and would be unable to read even at that age. People can evolve to be dependent on other drugs just as cells evolved to depend on sunlight, air, water, and other live food cells. The brilliant part is amphetamine has far reaching effects that remedy everything in my disorder I need to live a long, healthy life. I wonder if people will evolve to become dependent on amphetamine without the need for prenatal mutation by mutagens alcohol and tobacco.
I don't know what someone with my disorder without medication would grow to look like. Somewhere I read people chained to the walls were discovered to be aided by amphetamine. In any case, I don't see the detailed records and case studies of ADHD in any available literature. Despite a lack of knowledge of my recent predecessors and a myriad of affronts by the government and gangs, I expect to live to be at least eighty years old given my excellent track record of maintaining good health.
4:38 p.m. - Given the chaotic nature of my various neural networks, I expect my death to be more chaotic than my life. As my various action potentials wax and wane in life, so too do I expect the same outcome in death: painful and loving internal wavering. Even through the pain, I always find a way to smile. I suppose my mutated PCP2 system is at least partially responsible for that given I could more clearly see such reactions at the beginning of my medicating endeavor back around August 24, 2021.
In death, I expect my prefrontal cortex to comprehend in some overlapping order of this sort:
List 1. A colorful, detailed manifestation of a lone woman transforming to angel women parading across my vision as if they were each parading loving, unique body language, vocalized words, and dances. The rainbow angel women would likely even come up to me to take my hand. This would be 3D, realistic visions not in my mind's eye and very similar to my experience at Brian and Raechel's house at like 5 a.m. when I was about 6 years old. I might see memorial visions of pretty women I've seen throughout my life, especially a wife.
2. A blinding white light appearing as a spark, then expanding to a moon and finally to a shining portal of the "afterlife"
3. A final norepinephrine, dopamine, and serotonin release akin to MDMA's effect or an orgasm
4. An adrenaline rush bringing unmatched clarity in slow motion. I believe this to be the mechanism evoked when my mother rose from her deathbed for the last time as she frantically reached her shaking arms out to me with her voice shaking out a murmur of "ahahahah" for help. She immediately fell back down and never came back up. This adrenal release should end my ability to communicate with the outside world.
5. Bright red (scarlet crayon) or some other mono colored illustrations imprinted into the floor and other surfaces parallel to my eyes' ray cast when standing and looking forward. Traced with smidgens of rainbow outlines. A feeling of triumph.
6. Dark crimson blood red or some other mono colored, textured imprints in the wall and other surfaces perpendicular to my eyes' ray cast when standing and looking forward. Likely square and falling from some other surface like a woman's period. Prefrontal cortex thoughts might briefly cease.
9. A sudden poetic or broken realization of various thoughts in the prefrontal cortex
10. A soft embrace encompassing my body's contact points no matter the surface it touches, and this could possibly expand to bring a softness to the air embracing me. This should mark the end of all physical pain in my life.
11. The euphoric feeling of all my brains swirling around my entire head.
12. Blackened splatters of objects textured into the floor somehow illustrating my natural will to die
13. Black hands rushing to embrace me from a blackened and color splotched environment and simply structured anime angel woman as my prefrontal cortex loses overall sanity from all the disconnections. This is like the Earth swallowing me to resume the cycle of life.
14. Eternal nothingness of my cells and their perception
Given death only happens one time, I expect items on this list to mingle and send different holistic information to my prefrontal cortex unlike my perception of them in life. Given the NMDA reactions, I expect slow motion to occur during the best parts. Just like with ketamine, adrenal reactions, and intense psychedelic and dissociative reactions like my 25E-NBOH and 3-HO-PCE experiences, my death could seem like hours to me while only minutes have passed to an outside observer. After my prefrontal cortex loses the connections I need to observe myself, life will return to like it was before I had any memories when I was a baby. It's like life as a simple organism like a bacterium or a zygote. These things react to their environment and have mechanisms for feeling things through electrical impulses, but these organisms lack the necessary wiring and cannot observe themselves from a standalone position like a cortex in the human or dog front brain. Pain signals for avoidance and feel good signals for eating can still be sent somewhere for processing in separate and simpler processing centers like a mitochondria or a cell nucleus. This is how I will function when my prefrontal cortex loses all its many connections until rigor mortis sets in about thirty-six hours later. Unfortunately, the entity I consider to be "me" is my prefrontal cortex, and thus I will not last nearly as long into death. Fortunately, the list I made of the positive aspects of dying will keep my spirits high. Any negativity from the outside world should be easily silenced by my unknown ADHD ability to silence lies from the outside while forging my own. I look forward to my death as I build a life worthy of an unrivaled finale.
In death, I wish to feel a comforting relief from my problems of life like pain and addiction while full body orgasming and witnessing a parade of dancing nude and lingerie adorned women bearing Boar's Head fried chicken steep Luzianne sweet tea, blueberries, milk chocolate Mr. Goodbars, sweet dew smelling sakura tree petals, and more while drifting to a relaxing sleep in a mountainous, snowy sunset with the stars and moon rising to the hands of the night sky universe enveloping me in one final love.
5:40 p.m. - I applied to Amazon in Seattle.
9:58 p.m. - While on my way back from Publix and passing some motel with a latino name, some latino dude in a blue SUV made a right turn and almost hit me (CarMex style) while looking very hard to his left. I'm 99% sure this was on purpose like the several other times gang members have hit or almost hit me with their stupid fucking cars. There was also someone in a white SUV right behind the guy. Just like before, there was no recognition of a problem on the other end. With no horn honked out and no surprise or guilt in their demeanor, this was done on purpose again. I've had people actually accidentally roll toward me with their car, and each time, they appeared apologetic and stopped for a second to acknowledge the problem to me. Each time I've recorded this problem, it has been this exact same outcome.
11:41 p.m. - Just in case, I'm just going to make sure my worry is clear and just by justification just previously detailed at 9:58 p.m. If I'm unable to care for myself because of an accident, I demand to be immediately put to death and subsequently cremated so that no part of my body can go to the government or any gangsters for any research, especially STD and cancer research. That means some big, white, redneck, hillbilly, straight badass motherfucker has to be the person to do that, and there can be no cells taken from my body.
12:46 a.m. - I only have nine days worth of amphetamine left. I never planned for society to drag this along so far. These eighteen months have been absolute shit. I only have so much money, and I didn't calculate myself to last through Christmas, but I did. I also only have about nine days worth of food too since I was a fatass and went through $65 worth of chili dogs in four days. I had $135 to spend on food today, which is really about eight days worth of food. This is going to suck a lot.
January 12, 2022: The culmination of the denial of food and medicine to me is an act of attempted murder in my eyes. Using money to slowly murder someone is more evil than doing so by forcing a singular bullet through their brain. The torture to which I have been subject for an unknown period of time is unacceptable. How many of those folk from Georgia Tech, Verizon Connect, 589 Elmwood DR NE, Intown Suites, and ESA were sent to torture me after my mom died 5 years ago? How many people and how much media were forged to send me to this exact situation I've been detailing for years now? How much money was spent to beleaguer me in a swarm of premeditated lies and falsely reassuring media? Besides the U.S. government, Bloods gang, and some unknown latino gang, what other organizations and individuals have planned for my life to end up this way? The plan of these folk has been to sadistically torture me, infect me with disease, and extract every medical value from me without so much as a hint of good will, and I've proved this over years of time without any acknowledgement of wrongdoing and restitution on the part of those folk. While I am stalked and staked out by the rich, they goad me to offer some hint of retaliation so it may be used against me despite the right to vent in my home. The rich hoard and harbor secrets of my ADHD disorder and past flaws so they may laugh at me and watch my misery grow as I continue to realize the horrid weight I have carried for twenty-six years.
12:46 p.m. - The feigning of good will by the rich in the form of "hot" then "cold" actions, opposites of good will and ill will, is made ever easier as the population increases, and one person can negatively behold this act through people in the thousands in every day city life. This is furthered by a person's natural will to live, and this will to live will likely remain in embers rather than a conflagration due to trickle down economics and freebies based on excesses generated from economies of scale in business. This problem of irrationally continuing an overall futile life is also compounded by trickle down knowledge from the largest collector of that information: the person's government. A Christian person continues to live as a destitute, depressed slave as it is rigorously taught every Sunday that suicide is immoral and the only way to a manufactured "heaven" is working even harder for the imprisoning despots.
This manufactured consent of human slavery has been approaching my home's door for years now, and I will never consent to be a puppet of the wealthy. My life as documented here is the world the folk around me preach to be the future salvation of humanity. It is said, "the journey matters more than the destination", but in this instance I note my future destination is more important than my journey.
3:18 p.m. - I read yesterday in this article, https://www.jneurosci.org/content/28/36/8873, my inhibitory PCP2 mutations give my brain faster visual processing by severing some unimportant connections (and possibly inhibitory connections for filtering imagined thoughts) and allowing action potentials to travel faster through my neural network. I read the response to light in the brain is 30% faster. This results in the light information moving through the prefrontal cortex 30% faster as the brain's capacity for light information has not increased. Perhaps this significantly contributes to the slow motion effect of the adrenal system. It certainly contributes a little since my brain is moving faster but the outside world is not, but I don't have data to show how much, and the results are mystified and certainly not 30% because the complexity of the neural network encompasses more than light data. I'd need another article to back that up, but the results make sense given the results of my "hunger strike" and previous adrenal responses.
4:06 p.m. - Not long ago, about an hour into the amphetamine experience, I could see rainbow hands with white innards going from an outstretched palm to point fingers at the bowl of avb I was about to smoke. I'm definitely still feeling the aftershocks of the government mandated "hunger strike". Ece Onay mentioned something about her mom leaving her without food and hitting her and stuff. I wonder if she was talking about this government experimentation on ADHD. She knew a bunch of stuff she was hiding from me as have many people in my life over the past 5 years.
I wonder what evolutionary traits would be genetically passed down if I had a kid with some woman. Evolution dictates the traits improving survival and happiness would be passed down and those traits inhibiting survival and happiness would be discarded. My comprehension and motivation problems would be reduced, and DNA in my sperm would be more likely to retain the speed advantages of mutated methods of discarding connections in systems like PCP2 and various acetylcholine systems. I've been hesitant about thinking hard about having children, and I've been on the side of the negative for a while, but I think given my recent discoveries and analyses of my disorder, my curiosity has been piqued enough that I'm now leaning toward having one kid by getting some cute woman pregnant.
Of course, given my disorder, I'd have to research with this lady how to generate the highest quality sperm cells. I'm sure using my medication of amphetamine for about three months would be the best idea to ensure my sperm cells are taught to perform properly like the cells in my brain and the rest of my body. I think a longer period of medicating would change the outcomes of inheriting things like my PCP2 system's mutations, the effects of which have been reducing steadily since their peak about six days after I started medicating. Perhaps there are other "subtle" things like ingesting caffeine through sweet tea that would drastically affect the outcome given caffeine intake enhances my inhibitory acetylcholine response. The timing of the sex with a woman during amphetamine treatment would likely also drastically affect the outcome. I think it would be best to procreate at about 3:30 p.m. given the half lives of the two amphetamine isomers in the body.
My goal is to find a sustainable career, find a girlfriend and wife her up, and then settle down in the suburbs of Seattle. I'm metaphorically doing that right now in my post "hunger strike" situation of using my amphetamine "job" for rebuilding parts of my deconstructed "womanly" dopamine system, especially brain dopamine systems since bodily dopamine systems are needed for physical movement to capture prey.
I've been having my dog use the bathroom in the bathtub since I've been exiled. He doesn't have to go as much anymore, and I'm assuming given dogs' protective evolutionary domestication, Breezy is somehow responding to my lack of assurance in my future with food and medicine.
7:39 p.m. - I take pride in my striving, and I tend to ignore the incoming action potentials signaling my disappointment in the faults of my environment. I have nothing to gather from the outside world other than my inevitable decline at its hands, yet I continue to find inner strength in my cells' resolve for my inevitable welfare through death's inclining decline.
1:10 a.m. - I took an hour long nap that concluded at 10:30 p.m. After that, Breezy peed a little outside the bathroom in defiance. Then he wouldn't get out of the tub. I also ate a ton of chili dogs and Nutty Buddy bars. I assume this is result of my "hunger strike" aftershocks of unknown biological origin in Breezy's eyes and mine. There are so many mechanisms in the body, but considering sadistic, smart people with inside knowledge like to piss in people's faces and revel in their debauchery, I assume the human growth hormone effect of cutting weight in the face of adversity has some merit.
January 13, 2022: 7:35 a.m. - I woke up at 6:40 with an awful omnipresent headache on the front right side of my head extending from the top to just above my right eye. It's starting to finally go away now. It still hurts a little, but I expect the pain will be gone in a few minutes. This is because the people around me watched me get infected and starve.
7:40 a.m. - Now the pain is centering just behind my right eye like something out of that shitty Saw movie where the key was behind the guy's eye.
7:42 a.m. - Now the pain has moved back up an inch or so above my right eye. I still see red slashes everywhere.
7:44 a.m. - Now the pain has recentered behind my right eye. Last night, I had a pain behind my left ear for like ten minutes. This isn't worth my time. Given I'm running out of my amphetamine remedy in like a week, much to the delight of those spying on me, it's not worth my time to continue living. Life sucked these past eighteen months, but I'm not willing to continue any of these Neo Nazi Nagger American experiments.
7:47 a.m. - The pain has decreased a lot since I woke up, but it feels like I stubbed part of my brain on the desk like I would stub my toe. When I woke up, it was a lot worse.
7:50 a.m. - The pain increased a lot all around my eye and the front right of my head, and now it's receded to feel like I'm brushing the front right side of my head next to my hair bangs against a rough 2x4 piece of wood. It's like that Halloween II movie that came out last year where the community beats the shit out of me from afar by spewing nothing but shit from their mouths and offering no sustainable future to help me. It's also like they're spewing, "Why I oughta ___" statements at me with no recognition of the consequences while waiting to use those same statements against me when I come up with them in my venting room wherein I'm allowed to rue the ruling sadists like Bruce Willis maneuvering on feet cut by broken glass.
7:53 a.m. - The red slashes are maximizing across my field of vision. They tend to maximize about 55 minutes in to my medicating period, which makes sense given the mostly tandem necessity of the NE and DA systems. With these slashes, the pain is actually alternating its existence as I realize I can feel good inside.
7:57 a.m. - The pain is coming back now to my right temple and dripping across and down to my right eye like the flowing blood that appears to drip down my eyes.
8:02 a.m. - The pain is waxing and waning since about 7:47.
8:04 a.m. - The pain fluttered back to the center of my forehead where it is now forcing itself down in a waxing and waning manner as the pain is still much worse and omnipresent in my temple.
8:21 a.m. - Any sacrificed mechanisms in my body which are dependent on amphetamine training to function must be rebuilt and also retrained, making my return from injury more difficult than the common folk.
8:30 a.m. - It feels like a half centimeter diameter and five centimeter long wire is being pressed across the inside of my right temple and trying to travel to my eye.
8:32 a.m. - Now the pain has centered on my right eye again and dissipated from my right temple. Now it's alternating again.
8:52 a.m. - I drank some preworkout since it's stronger than sweet tea. It seems to help a little bit with the pain. Weed doesn't seem to do much unless it is used when both isomers of amphetamine are still in effect. Even though I'm coming down from the dextroamphetamine, it's still working to recover the sacrifices I made during my "hunger strike". I can feel it working as it is easier to peer into the outside world again, but my head still hurts. My hands still feel like they're missing pieces and are shells of their former selves. I'm still in survival mode wherein my adrenal system takes number one priority. The soles of like five of my socks have been rubbed out because of the changes in my feet.
10:01 a.m. - My right temple still hurts. Given I only have about a week of food and amphetamine left to help myself, I expect my situation to continue to get even worse as the sadists continue spitting in my face.
10:34 a.m. - The pain lingers but it is less than it was at 10:01 a.m.
11:55 a.m. - I've found lots of grammatical errors and inconsistencies in my previous job applications. I've noted them and received no response on my previous applications. I'm still seeing these barriers to entry in the software industry as similar to those barriers to entry in the voting world. It feels just like my time at Verizon Connect where the employees are more enthralled with screwing up the lives of those around them than making a good product that helps people. That statement by that latina woman to Teja at Verizon Connect sticks out to me: "We're not going to try are we?" The entirety of the computing world appears broken, and it looked like Verizon Connect was filled with egotistical shit spewing coke and meth heads. You can't get anything through to them because their DAT and NET are blocked, forcing an uncaring rerun of some parts of the human neural network. Another thing is this one guy said, "Are you blocked?" He definitely had multiple meanings there when he said it. Another weird thing that was said to me by some dude who narrowed his eyes was, "Whatever makes you feel complete." A lot of created software is probably created by cokeheads wishing to confuse other developers. The world of job applications is a cokehead's dream for screwing people over for twisted, drug enhanced pleasure.
As it can be easily shown by the differences in my moral standing and those around me who use things like methylphenidate, Vyvanse, cocaine, meth, etc, the world needs to get rid of these crappy drugs and replace them with the gold standard, racemic amphetamine. It has been proven to create a healthy balance in ordinary folks' lives. There could be very, very rare cases like Down Syndrome where methylphenidate or Vyvanse could help disabled folks more than racemic amphetamine, but it certainly wouldn't apply to anyone I've engaged with in my life. If someone actually has a problem with their DAT, NET, or dopamine releasing mechanisms, focusing on that creates an imbalance where the final action potentials being analyzed in the prefrontal cortex do not have a trace of morality. Some action by equal combination of levoamphetamine and dextroamphetamine will force the brain to create the right generating action potentials and inhibiting action potentials to create a final, morally sound thought in that person's brain. Adding those sadistic elements like cocaine later would cause a person to become a more intelligent sadist, which is not the goal of a moralizing, sustainable pharmaceutical industry.
I still want to get to a stable financial position so I may push for that overhaul of the medical industry. If I'm unable to advance that cause, I can still make sure my disorder is redefined and the likes of methylphenidate, Vyvanse, and methamphetamine are not being used by the government under the label of me and my disorder ADHD.
1:43 p.m. - The pain behind my right eye reappeared again. I wonder how long this will go on for the satisfaction of the Neo Nazis around me? Clearly this isn't the first time the government and other gangs have performed this experiment as I can observe by watching things like Saw and Always Sunny. Who were these other people with ADHD? Was it really back in the 70's that this other person died? Did they really perform the same twisted Neo Nazi experiments on that person with ADHD back then too? Is this just a corroborating experiment for some poor woman with ADHD who suffered at the hands of a Neo Nazi American military back then? What gives with the creepy abortion clothes hanger, holistic binding problem of EXIT, two lamps and Rolodex, cowboy hat (calcium channel?), and other various references to amphetamine and my disorder? How many other mentally ill people, poor folk, and drug addicts have been subject to the same Neo Nazi experiments? How many more will be subjected to this torture as I have for this unknown period of experimentation of at least a few years?
5:17 p.m. - My right temple still hurts. How much money did the government, Hollywood, and various gangs spend to keep the world in the dark? How many fake mustaches (MA Stashes of headbutted broken glass if Family Guy's Where's My Money segment is to be believed) has the government put on the people around me to keep me and my mom blind to the problems in my life? Looking at the skullfucked by drill bit cover of Pantera's Far Beyond Driven and at the head bowed and gashed The Fall of Ideals cover by All That Remains, I don't know what will happen if I stop using amphetamine at this point after going through all that shit these past few months. The results of the government mandated "hunger strike" make me think I can't afford to take that chance. Also, there's another "hunger strike" coming up in a week at the government and cronies' will as I sit here in this weekly motel.
11:17 p.m. - I've been thinking about my amphetamine exit strategy since the weird hunger strike stuff started happening and I was watching Bleach, which seems to also harbor these awful STD PCP2 experimentation ideas. With a name like Ichigo, it really comes together. Anyway, I don't think it would be safe to use my current go to strategy of the far reaching and metabolizing MDMA as an exit strategy when I'm still recovering from this strange "hunger strike". I'm unwilling to medicate with anything other than the gold standard of racemic amphetamine. Too much weird stuff has been going on. I think some mechanism of MDMA could interact with these unknown parts of my neural network and kill me like when I tried to come off amphetamine with MDA, kinda like the second E in that sign shot in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. The weird stuff I see about the EXIT sign in that movie has me on edge about my neural network's future state without amphetamine too since my world has been somewhat shattered into the red slashes that make up that sign. The silence from the outside world on the matter has my mind made up.
I'm still seeing blue lattices and red slashes, having trouble enjoying eye contact, don't want to watch the entirety of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, and desire to watch and listen to short clips and music. I still skip through and repeat music a lot. I was rather lost in the blue lattices in the wall for a few seconds, similar to when the "hunger strike" first started. It was quite mesmerizing watching the giant red squares and stuff forming but definitely not as mesmerizing as that blue A I drew in 3D space. Nothing was really ever as mesmerizing as when I danced with the rainbow women as a kid. I really thought they were real, but Brian said there were no such thing as ghosts and to go back to sleep. I thought I buried them with six years of amphetamine medication at the behest of my mom, but now that I've seen such amazing things recently like a rainbow talking conjuring of that cute girl Taylor at like 6 a.m. at the end of August 2021, I think I'll get to see a parade of pretty women again when I die or later in life as my disorder and related benefits progress.
January 14, 2022: 7:29 a.m. - I don't have any head pain when waking up today. I feel the middle of my forehead tingling in a good way. These alternations of feelings of adequacy and inadequacy in my head are likely the result of retraining my rebuilt dopamine system and other sacrificed company. What does my hypothesis about my calcium channel have to do with this?
7:40 a.m. - The tingle drifted into a slight pain in my middle forehead.
7:43 a.m. - Lattices and lines are still randomly appearing and moving everywhere, and red slashes are starting to appear again. Sometimes a rainbow smiley face briefly cracks open again. The government and related gangs have been waiting for all this to happen. Clearly, someone has done this exact same experiment before. The random white guy who disappeared two months ago "Mark Tommy" and some black lady working here both separately asked me, "Do you pick up your hair after your dog?" Who are these folk and why do they celebrate my torture?
7:58 a.m. - It feels like my center forehead is expanding a rod and creating outward pressure. I wonder what's going on in there. All I know is that I'm macroscopically making forward intellectual progress. I don't know the microscopic details of the various systems I'm enhancing like the NE and DA systems.
9:10 a.m. - I think these corporations are using my poor background as a justification to not hire me. I'm being held down by various organizations but most of all the government, and these corporations likely see my various expositions as a justification to sadistically poke at me while watching me slowly die over these eighteen months. Every time I bring up ADHD, the topic gets changed or there is straight denial of my claim despite my massive amount of evidence supporting this fact. I need to bring it up all the time because the facts I could have used about my future have been purposely withheld by the government, leaked to gangs, and it's being used against me as a weapon of knowledge.
10:07 a.m. - I've gotten lots of strange phone calls. I think the government is sending out AI powered phone calls and half retarded personal phone calls to do alleged "wellness checks" and basically ruin people's lives by spamming them not only outside their home but inside their home. It's probably similar to those weird fat black ladies who drove up beside 589 Elmwood DR NE to ask me where some church was or something. I was letting my dog pee at the time. I was worried they were going to try to back up and hit my dog and pretend it was an accident like so much of the other shit that's happened to me. Their intent was obviously to do something else. Every time, they claim it was an "accident" or coincidence the maintenance guy did X thing wrong or some random homeless creep or government guy pretending to be homeless approaches me at the most convenient of times. I had the same problems when the people here at ESA locked me out about at the beginning of January. All of a sudden, I was approached by a ton of homeless people just like when I left Intown Suites. I think one of them was a fake homeless guy because he was fat. Other fake homeless people are easy to spot because they don't talk like they have any actual personal issues on their mind.
12:57 a.m. - After destroying my life over 10 years with radio silence on the part of the U.S. government, the purveyor of my medication, they have now destroyed my life again through this "hunger strike". I made heaps of sacrifices to get my coveted college degree as a first generation college graduate in my actual family (not counting my "father" Bonnell Love). My mother lay dying as I typed up papers, attempted to positively carry on my life, and hoped to spend Thanksgiving with her, only to find her on her deathbed 13 days later. Looking back, I wished I could have somehow given her some weed to help with her cancer in those couple years since I had discovered its cancer inhibiting effects. Instead, the government watched me as I watched myself waiting to see if my ADHD was rearing its head or if I was just in a sad rut or depressed. It would have taken some convincing since she brought it up during 2015 Christmas break and was worried about weed affecting my efforts toward a college degree.
Since that day October 29, 2016, I have lamented never reaching a solid economic shelter in life so that I could afford her the same luxuries which I enjoyed. I wanted to get her a house and help her cancer with weed. I wanted to convince her to become an atheist with some sort of presentation of a sequence of rational arguments that were nigh irrefutable, which I've somewhat gathered now on my website. Unfortunately, I had neither the knowledge of my disorder nor the economic standing to accomplish such a radical task. It's rather painful to remember the emptiness I held in my own eyes as my mother beheld me one last time. It's even more painful to remember the emptiness that swelled and scattered my neural networks into internal disorder of incomprehension, uncaring, despair, and delusion.
Even now the lack of economic action on the part of the people around me has created the "hunger strike" imbalance in my neural networks such that I am even less motivated to interact with the outside world. This lack of action by those familiar with my disorder in combination with the mystification and demonizing of my disorder and its amphetamine remedy has created a feedback loop where people unknown to my situation disregard and affront me in the assumption I am an evil drug user because of the way I look and strangely interact with people who bullshit me. This caters to the sadists who know of my disorder and use it to push their agenda of using my name and disorder for false remedies like methylphenidate, dextroamphetamine, and methamphetamine. I have not found one single person who has acknowledged the legitimacy of my claims even though I have pushed peer reviewed research along with my anecdotes. The denial of science in the name of fearmongering and warmongering is an incompetence perpetuated by the religious zealots who make up the majority of the government and uphold the military's use of powerful, sadistic drugs to accomplish their thieved lightning wars.
Despite my efforts to overturn such things, my good intentions are withheld due to the intentional economic instability cast on me by the government and gangs in the age of mass communication via the Internet. Meanwhile, the government continues to abuse their system of hiding behind my disorder while simultaneously denying its existence, instead chalking up my issues to evil desires, self diagnosed confusion by the mass media, or a misdiagnosis of some other disorder.
My cousin Jonathon Lee is in the army reserves. He sends me this text over and over: "WTF!" No matter my attempts to explain the issues of my disorder, that's the final answer I get. My aunt Vickie Lee and cousin Crystal Elkins shy away from communicating with me and also lie to me even through all my hardships. What is my alleged father's role in all of this? Did he know of any of the things going on here with my disorder? Why did he shy away from me his whole life? I never spent much time with him, and eventually, he moved to Florida without telling anyone and my mother and I never saw him again. We actually went to his house with Bruce once and knocked on the door and stuff. We waited like 30 minutes, noted the old Jaguar car wasn't there anymore, and then left. That's when my mom found out that house was sold. My mom said he was addicted to pain pills like Codeine, so I assume that's why. Although he was shy, he didn't seem to have any ill will toward me when I briefly hung out with him as a kid. I still don't know why my life has been held in pieces ever since I've been held in my mother's womb.
3:19 p.m. - I now have just about six days until I run out of amphetamine, at which point I don't know what will happen. I suppose it's part of the government and gang experiments which are being done on me, but those strange red NMDA lines are in other works of art. I'm worried I'll die if I suddenly cease my amphetamine medication and regress my body. My addiction is strong enough to unleash an adrenal response, and in my condition with unearthed and unknown parts of my neural network regressing in such a pivotal moment, that could kill me. As for this result, "It's in the air." It's what the public demands. I'm sure they have a lot more requests that I don't want to fulfill. They've left me to die here. Clearly, this is their plan since I "still have to pay" according to "Mark Tommy". I'm not sure what will happen, but by my own creed I am not allowed to falter here for some god forsaken false oath of fealty to the slave drivers lurking just outside my door. The situation somewhat reminds me of My Apocalypse by Escape the Fate. How much did these stalker government and gang folk pay for that fake My Apocalypse MUsic Stash? I don't even know much about the muscarinic system, but I'm sure the folk who wrote the song Make Up know something about my disorder as they've deceived the whole world for their selfish desires and my expense. How much have I paid by believing there were people out there just like me?
6:15 p.m. - That song 15 Pieces of Flare by The Amity Affliction, Two Weeks by All That Remains, and Obliviate by That's Outrageous (especially since it's followed by the track Vyvanse Trance) as well as their album art covers remind me of this current situation after the "hunger strike".
7:49 p.m. - I've been having to take a shit and farting a lot over the past few days. Sometimes it feels like there's pressure at the bottom of my ass yet no shit. Every abnormality in my body has me wondering if it's related to the "hunger strike" and its interaction with my ADHD. A pleasant flash freeze of a cool sensation went over my whole body as I waited to take my medication at 7 p.m. It didn't really feel in place with my outside environment. I'm not too sure on the specifics of why such a rapid temperature drop and then return to normal would occur. Something about it made me feel good, but I'm doubtful of the authenticity of this reaction beyond delightful surprise unless I feel it again soon. If these two things are mechanisms related to the "hunger strike", I'd certainly like to learn about them.
8:41 p.m. - I've noticed after images lingering around. When I dart my vision away, sometimes the face of the girl on my laptop wallpaper will linger and stray away from the computer screen as a rainbow face. As I drink my extra steeped sweet tea, a tingling moves smoothly down the top of my head to my center forehead and another stronger electric tingling moves more erratically down my left temple. My body got a little colder when I drank the sweet tea, but it wasn't like before. Earlier, perhaps it was the combination of several bodily mechanisms I experienced in tandem with the cold shiver.
10:00 p.m. - Insofar as I can see, it's over for me unless someone has the common sense to help me with the combined problems of my ADHD, "hunger strike" aftershock, and declining medicinal amphetamine provisions. The intentions of those outside this room are to imprison and enslave me hither or thither. Those intentions have been made clear ever since I banged that stripper. The ill will of those around me has only appeared to increase as they continue holding me here in poverty against my will. Over these past eighteen months, I've repeatedly asked to trade my consistent labor for my fair share of a sustainable future. Since then, I've steadily enhanced my software engineering skills, demonstrated that on my portfolio, and learned a ton. This doesn't matter to anyone around as I have been ignored, vilified, and shamed for some unknown reason. I now have five days or so before I will once again starve to death, but this time I will also be drained of my medication in light of my drastic transformations due to starvation with only two weeks of recovery. Nobody has made any effort to reach out to correct these issues impacting not only me but everyone in the world who is demonized for eating Adderall for performance enhancing effects. There's that dumb propaganda film Take Your Pills which casts a terrible light on me and my disorder. Is this the government's idea of playing chicken with me under the assumption I am lying about ADHD? Is this some twisted way of making me "pay" through torture and art under the assumption that I am a miscreant abusing the name of a rare disorder? I make the claim the real miscreants here are those antagonizing me in this moment and abusing the reputation of me and my disorder.
11:44 p.m. - How many of my body's cells were murdered as a human sacrifice for these rich folk swarming me to reap my cells of their evolved medicinal advantages graciously gifted by deceased mother? I love myself and thus I love my cells, and now I have been defiled by this city. I will continue to love myself no matter the end result of this short sighted experiment. I will not take the chance of faltering in the near future. I must take swift action to remedy this situation despite the unending encroachment of the viruses called the "human strain". Despite Hitler's prowess and support, even his advance was ended in the overconfident frigid march to Stalingrad. I think I am being forced to play the role of "Lil Hitler" as I detail my own personal struggle, "Mine Comfy". It appears my fate is sealed in the downfall of my food and medicine supplies. I've been reaching out for help, and I've been denied all the way through these eighteen months.
January 15, 2022: 7:14 a.m. - It is best to focus on the positive outcomes of going AWOL during the reign of an American Neo Nazi ruling class. As a deserter of my medicating schedule, I can still look forward to one last natural jolt of life akin to amphetamine but more revolutionizing and pleasurable than any other life experience. It's like receiving a last natural dose of medicine as my reserves are sent to the front lines.
It looks like people are making life altering judgments on my character based on the bullshit they spew at me on a day to day basis. However, that's just like screwing with an autistic person who has social problems and expecting that screwed up social interaction to carry over into their personal life. It's like going into a sanitarium and expecting everyone there to soundly accept your bullshit and play some shitty game of chickenshit. It's like going into a classroom for people who have to use sign language to communicate and then refusing to respectfully interact through bodily communication. My life is like kidnapping latino children at the border, raising them to be eighteen in a shithole concentration camp, and then claiming it's then okay to torture them with human experiments for a few years before dumping them into ignorance and poverty to die in the gutter. I wish I could impart some sense of understanding empathy to my situation so that I may not only receive help but inspire the help of those around me with similarly shitty and contrived situations.
10:46 a.m. - Millions of my trillions of loving cells have been trampled, burned, shot by firing squad, and gas chambered as a human sacrifice for the sadistic NANNS (Neo American Nagger Nazi Society) experiments just as the jews of Nazi Germany were corralled for genocide, "Gen O Side" to be somewhat less frank lending knowledge and poke at what I assume is some joke about altering the fucking ring that's called meth. My grandma Paula Josefa Cantrell would be turning over in her grave like the end of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 where the hoe safe ate my racemic amphetamine chainsaw away from its holy river and plunged it to be left eyeing the shithole. That's quite a stretched extended metaphor of Josefa and the chainsawed ending of that The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2.
Is the notion of my death at the hands of a combination of an involuntary "hunger strike", ADHD, and abrupt medication cessation merely a terrorist act on the part of my antagonists? If that is true, this is simply a short sighted act on the part of thieving criminals seeking to steal the value of my cells with as little regard as they have in stealing their own cells' value through the shitty, sadistic prescription drugs like methylphenidate I seek to abolish and other damaging things like alcohol, tobacco, boxing match warfare like boxing and football, and overeating to get fat.
1:16 p.m. - Elaborating on the destruction to society caused by methamphetamine, both clandestine production and government sponsored production using my name and disorder of ADHD, I assume at least some of what these folks are after is visualized by the album art of In Dreams by After the Burial and the darkly consumed light of Franklin from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. The excessive dopamine output and lack of an inhibiting mechanism by meth and newer drugs (possibly like A-PVP) saws into the body, allowing many hidden mechanisms to be unearthed and subsequently destroyed or abused. This can create the sadistic types like Hitler, the melted uncaring folk like many homeless, and even gays and pedophiles by altering the natural mechanisms involved in child care and sex. The government is trying to maintain these things using ADHD as a cover for its Desoxyn prescription, which I'm sure a high ranking politician like Prince Andrew or a wealthy socialite like Jeffrey Epstein would have no issue obtaining. It's only approved for 5 mg, but it would be easy to forge the documents and siphon more of the drug from the documented, restricted medical output. It would also be easy to masquerade illicitly produced meth as prescription Desoxyn, and no tricks would be needed for the medical records.
I'd like to see it banned for civilian use unless it has a legitimate hidden medical use for things like an STD like I've discovered with the PCP2 system and my current unknown STD, but why would such a far reaching, toxic chemical be needed when there are more precise, novel drugs to achieve inhibition of virus growth? As for the military use of the chemical to speed up some physical processes in the brain and body by utilizing mechanisms uncovered by slicing into the body with excess dopamine, I think the same argument could be applied since the general serotonin releasing action could be eliminated and should be replaced by a selective 5HT-2A agonist action to speed up reaction time. Irrespective, I'm not aware of what the military productively does these days nor do I wish to interfere in their actual job of nation defense. I know the military people bang prostitutes a lot, so I'm sure many of them have a stake in using me for medical research. The CIA was banging Colombian prostitutes and Monica Lewinksy was in the White House, so I'm sure other branches of government have a big stake here too. The U.S. government is currently a giant bureaucracy and a two party system, so organized problems like this are bound to rear their heads as those groups further fraction due to evolving morals concerning rapidly evolving technologies rearing their own problems of misuse. People naturally evolved to work together, but despite my acknowledgement of my good intentions I have been held down my whole life by this principle, from my early years on Adderall to my current "hunger strike" problem. I don't see anyone coming to help me from any side. I want to trade, and these folk wish to steal.
Unfortunately, I have $50 to my name and only five days worth of medicine left. I'm royally screwed, and despite my efforts to intellectualize the attitudes of society to me, my message has failed to penetrate the massive walls society put up. My anecdotes and collected research papers have failed to impress the believers who disregard my science and history for their own selfish persuasion.
3:49 p.m. - I still see red slashes forming across my vision.
4:23 p.m. - My eyebrows tingled in a line across them. Then my center forehead is tingling in a circle again. My right eye felt like it was increasing in density along with that
4:25:39 p.m. - The forehead tingle lingers now while the eye sensation has dissipated. My temples have started tingling down in a line again. This increased in size to be a rectangle now.
4:57 p.m. - My status as a sort of prisoner of war remains constant. For this, I hold deep contempt for the outside world, and that breeds my distrust.
7:52 p.m. - I'm still very impressed with sweet tea's ability to draw delusions far to near as white hands of shadow folk briefly reach out to me and animals briefly run to me. The objects in front of my eyes disappear to match their background as if I can see through them. It's quite entrancing, and that feeling also waxes and wanes. It reminds me of the exact same hallucinations I would have as a kid at night except I'm not scared of them. Back then, I was on Adderall and Risperdal. I kept telling my mom the Risperdal didn't do anything, and I was on it for years. There was that infomercial on TV about male breasts sprouting in late teen years, so I was paranoid seeing that in high school and college. Thankfully, my weightlifting is the only thing increasing the size of my chest. Unfortunately, for eighteen months, the only thing I've been able to do with lots of force to weight train is explosive pushups.
8:52 p.m. - Rewatching ChaoS;HEAd has me thinking more about how this was all set up for me to get this unknown virus. I still don't understand how this has happened and persists in the era of mass communication.
It's so hard to find imagery of my childhood parade of rainbow women who praised me, conversed with me, and even reached out to hold my hand. I was starstruck when I saw all those women at the strip club because it was reminiscent of that moment, and I hold that as one of my all time greatest life achievements. I always wondered if I would see it again. I thought I had buried it under years of amphetamine. Now, it stands as something I'm grateful I can accomplish later in life and in death. I expect some sort of fancy "regression" in mutated neurons in my network to give me this pleasure after a year or so of medication with amphetamine. It is impossible for my neurons to be what they were before my prenatal alteration, so my mutated neurons will always tend toward the inhibition dictated by their DNA or RNA.
I suspect this 3D vision of my desires is mainly manifested as a combination of my inhibiting PCP2 mutations, some acetylcholine inhibition mutation generating colorful solid color splatter in my mind's eye, and the blue air wire acetylcholine inhibition. Of course, I'd expect more things like my mutated NMDA inhibition to be at play here, but the human neural network is complex, and some things have more weight than others. The solid scarlet color of the red ground mask and the golden mind's eye spots appeared to somewhat diminish the impact of the rainbow wires gifted to my prefrontal cortex by PCP2 inhibition, but it's hard to tell without more data. The entrancing and beautiful 3D blue air wire which drew the letter A was an interesting mental depiction of my desire for amphetamine. The same thing was splattered on the ground as I was departing ZBT, but it is a different mechanism. I'm curious what the neural network looks like such that it can render so many different and beautiful images altering the raw light data fed into the human pupil.
9:48 p.m. - I'd like to see this file I'm sure the prying eyes of the government and gangs have extracted from me. I'd also like to see the info gathered from anyone else that existed before with ADHD. I could only sit through two episodes of ChaoS;HEAd in this past hour. I still have the attitude where looking into the eyes of someone on the computer screen feels taxing and like I'm doing myself a disservice. I'm unsure of all the mechanisms at play, but perhaps it is entirely a dopamine system problem as a result of the "hunger strike". I strongly suspect my NMDA inhibition is irrelevant in that problem. I think PCP2 inhibition might help to see into the outside world with that lack of dopamine, but I'm unsure how that works out in the neural network. I understand my mutated PCP2 inhibition helps with addiction like my prenatal alcohol and tobacco addiction and current amphetamine addiction, but I'm unsure of how it affects the neural network to help when the dopamine system is damaged. It's still hard to focus on the words on screen when reading the subtitles. I had to involuntarily rewind a couple times.
Anyway, it was great to have some heroines to save my ass tonight, and that's also the metaphor I like to employ when Mac's dad asks him to smuggle heroin through his anus in the Always Sunny episode Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad. Looking at the red noses in Always Sunny and current problems with wealthy "sexploitation", is there some plot by the government to cast this as some operation to expose dirty bureaucrats? Do they intend to blame the entirety of my life's destruction on the Bloods gang? That is certainly not the case as there must be multiple gangs of different races holding hidden information about my disorder. It looks like such a "casting call" came from the top if you connect the lack of information from everyone who could have known what things in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 and ChaoS;HEAd mean to someone with ADHD. I assume the politics of the U.S. is very muddied right now. I want nothing to do with such things since I have traded such natural social tendencies for more independent directives. I still want to settle down with a wife and work on my art until I peacefully die when I'm over eighty years old.
11:42 p.m. - The pain is coming back to the pi/4 position of my forehead. It was virtually absent for the rest of today.
January 16, 2022: 7:25 a.m. - I have enough amphetamine to survive until midday January 20, 2022, after which point I assume the shock from such drastic change will kill me within two days. The entire point of destroying all my exits and assets is intended to "drain", drown, and kill me. The silence on the part of the government and gangs combined with the constant affronts on me from all sides shows their intention to murder me and snuff my inner light. Overnight, Breezy peed a very small amount right in front of the printer I have next to the door to remind me of the evils outside before I exit. Breezy can sense my discontent, addiction problems, and problems with my disorder like low levels of neurotransmitters. This only compounds my worries this is all part of a master plan over twenty-six years to create a massive crash and burn from lack of food and medicine.
10:07 a.m. - Breezy started throwing pieces of food on the floor while he was eating and I was vacuuming. When I started vacuuming the other side of the room, Breezy took it as an invitation to take a massive, putrid smelling shit that made me puke in the sink. He tries to fuck me every time he senses some specific weakness related to ADHD fuckery. Sometimes he sits in a specific position to try to reminding me to take my amphetamine medicine when it's time.
11:38 a.m. - Rather than gift my cells and their hard labor for my overall happiness to these pricks, it is more rational and beneficial to society if I return my cells to the Earth. It is best I lay my pride back down to rest at the end of the life cycle's rocky hands which turn toward the sky. I'm going to shovel my own corpse back into the dirt as the intelligent jews of Nazi Germany would have done. This constancy of integrity ensures some light of it will penetrate through the damned winds carrying my eternal blight. The poverty artificially created by the rich has forged this necessity time and time again, and one need only crack open a history book to a random page to find some sort of revolution driven by arbitrary classism: the jewish exodus from Egypt, French Revolution, American Revolution and subsequent civil war, Nazi revolution, Soviet Marxist revolution, the Mexican drug cartel revolution, the Arab Springs revolution, and also the blatant requests I receive for a Sandy Springs revolution that include my stalkers talking of murder in the hope it will convince me to do something illegal.
I still intend to give back to the community. I intended to impart all my knowledge once I had secured a higher economic standing, but now that I've been backed into a corner, I have to giddily "gity-up" and immediately disperse that. Perhaps it is the intention to use it against me. It matters not for I now have the evidence to prove I must be provided amphetamine on the basis of continuity of my life, and I intend to use my knowledge to deconstruct the sadistic structures placed around me and mystifying the entire world.
12:16 p.m. - In regards to my defeat to a bastardized Big Daddy after finally getting the upgraded weak Ballista sniper rifle in Origins on Black Ops II, I take pride in being a cold hearted motherfucker rather than a fire staffed faggot. I don't get all the jokes, especially the ones that pore deeper into the meth and cocaine lifestyles which I can only ask someone to learn about. I only watched half an episode of ChaoS;HEAd before I went back to listening to Always Sunny and typing on my PC. I played Black Ops II, but I'm not sure of the state of my neural network gifting the choice to take that video game action. I still haven't returned my happy desire to stare into the charming blue eyes of my scantily clad woman wallpaper or watch The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2.
I'm analyzing more reasons I've been vilified and can't find a job to keep my sustainable life. It is a farcical notion perpetrated by the sadistic rich folk that my arrest, brief detainment for forty hours, and incorrect analysis of drugs should preclude me from seeking programming employment. The capacity for a sadist to harm others is much higher in a role that has direct contact or a direct impact on where people roam. For example, a sadistic cook may undercook a meal, a janitor may use toxic chemicals to sanitize a kitchen without sanitizing the area of those toxic chemicals, and a motel employee or landlord has the power to spew shit in a customer's face or create problems like locking a customer out. Doing computing work that is not immediately customer facing (not IT work) is the perfect role for someone who is a sadist as they only need sit by themselves and report their work to a supervisor. Irrespective of this analysis, I'm not a sadist although I can be rather loud and have tried to use that a few times to goad people into revealing what they know about my disorder since they have been hiding it. To expand on this workplace goading, drug addicts who actually need help getting away from everyday temptations of relapse should focus on a job that is not customer facing like computing, which is getting easier with drag and drop interface like that in Android Studio. The potential results of this job blockading system are contradictory to its noted arguments.
Maybe my past failures are being used against me despite the difficulty in rectifying a disorder with a severity that is denied by society. Perhaps these religious folk see it as some sort of ironic punishment to pass to me which will then be continued in their manufactured "hell". Where are the rational folk who recognize that pushing someone to do better by encouragement and a positive "stairway to heaven" rather than vilification and negative "shit chutes to hell". This long term destruction of my life over the past eighteen months will stay with me forever. I still wish to move forward, but all silky roads have been blocked, the trains have been filled with pedophilia, the sidewalks wish to stuff me inside their trunks, and my inner prison wishes to fill my carcass with its final janitorial sweeping round.
Still on my mind are other things that weirded me out when I was at Verizon Connect which were things said by Teja like, "The stake?" "You're still here?" The super creepy way she said she wanted my fire irked me more than anything, especially since it was in proximity to her terribly forced lie that she was an atheist. It's weird because of the stake mentioned in ChaoS;HEAd and the burning upon the stake mentioned by Slayer in Reborn. I am now burning upon some unknown viral STD stake. Some other dude asked rather strangely a couple times, "Am I in your way?" I'm still convinced that workplace was meant to goad me into breaking the law and fucking my life up even more. Chuck Stickels once said with a weird grin, "I can see you, but you can't see me." "You're by yourself now?" What the hell are all the intentions of these folk who have congregated around me since my mother's death? Was my mother's death five years ago some sort of motherfucking invitation to fuck up my life because these people know I have no other familial support?
7:53 p.m. - The rubber man that red faced Mr. War Hero Bubba liked in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Pt. 2 has me on edge considering it's followed by an armadillo, a symbol of a "hard shelled peppercorn" which is reminiscent of my situation with dismantling and exposing parts of my body like the endless softness feeling which is like the rubber man. Being followed by Mr. Shark, it makes me think the plan is to unleash an adrenal response combined with the "hunger strike" and regression of my work with amphetamine to recreate the shell that once existed above such hidden mechanisms as endless softness. It makes me think they want to use Mr. Shark (adrenal response) to force through what's left of my hard shell Armadillo and destroy me by somehow forcing adrenaline to my softness mechanism. Of course, any sort of abnormal, unnatural response due to amphetamine or other drugs could trigger a deadly reaction in those mechanisms that have been unearthed by the government and gang mandated "hunger strike". The "iron butterfly" of which Mr. War Hero Bubba spoke reminds me of the softness mechanism since it is so close to his words about a "in a vida de gotta baby". That sort of means "in a life of must baby" like procreation is necessary in life in general. The Lefty request record is reminiscent of me being left here after banging that pretty stripper named ESi (Easy). I didn't manage to cum back, but she still reminds me of a "golden oldie". Hindsight is 20/20, so of course I'm not mad given I've had many good nights to request from myself over these eighteen months. Thus, I can say I love that part of my past even though it has had horrendous effects these past eighteen months.
Irrespective of how I choose to view my past, those warmongering, terroristic Rambo III requests whispered to me certainly should not be whispered on the wind again. I assume the statement, "Music is my life" is in reference to the military's use of civilian entertainers for their ghost writing endeavors. The military uses it to prep by cycling through inciting materials before beginning their war tour. Aside from that, government and gang jazz men who wave jazzing hands to incite me should drop the act and find a better way to carry out their jobs that doesn't have ulterior terroristic undertones. Nobody has time for fifty thousand people in a city to check their asshole every time they go to the grocery store. I don't want to interact with terrorists. One person checking the temperament of your asshole isn't a problem, but having to deal with fake provocative statements every time you leave your room or house is unacceptable and makes for a dead end city. Performing these charades in spite of knowledge of my disorder's mechanistic disdain for such activities is even more reprehensible. Sadistically creating a "hunger games" scenario deems the rich as terrorists just as the Citizens' revolution in France shortly after the American Revolution, and the end result of that is ironically the Reign of Terror to rein in the rich via guillotine. I feel like a headless chicken trying to cross my own personal fork in the road.
8:55 p.m. - My wallpaper of the half naked girl likes to wink and move her palmed hand to blow kisses at me with a peace sign while I type. Sometimes she waves at me with a vigorous smile.
<Retrospective> 7/31/22: Thinking about the chainsaw in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, it could represent amphetamine, methylphenidate, and meth for their chaining what you've seen memory properties. It could also represent them for their addictive properties and the pain they can cause by the destructive visuals meth induces, the destructive feeling of amphetamine beating and cutting the inside of my head, and the burning sparks that would be produced by the NET properties of meth and potentially methylphenidate. The sparks are also reminiscent of the golden splash I saw before eating my amphetamine one day. The chainsaw's turning could also represent the universe's inevitable cycling between its finite amount of states given its finite amount of particles and thus algorithmic manner of navigating among them. The spikes on the chain could represent the discrete nature of the universe in its movement. At a basic level, the chainsaw could really represent most things that occur many times. Given the intelligence of the writers and the amount of times the writers must have gone over and edited the movie to make it pleasantly cyclic, I think my metaphors described here were in their mind.
I knew that lamp was a metaphor for amphetamine being an electrical light, but I just noticed that lamp can be broken down into L.AMP like levoamp. The same can be done with DAMP for dextroamp.
January 17, 2022: 12:49 p.m. My head hurts in the center forehead and left front. I still see red slashes forming albeit more slowly than before. I don't know how long it will take to heal, regenerate, and train the millions if not billions of my forty trillion or so family of cells were victims of a massively premeditated murder by the Neo American Nagger Nazi Society (NANNS) in the name of selective sadism.
1:51 p.m. - The Unit 731 song by Slayer disturbs me about this whole upcoming internal clash due to my government and gang collaborated experimentation problem. I wonder what the government has learned about me using knockout mice and other artificial mutations concerning NE releasing mechanisms, dopamine releasing mechanisms, the PCP2 system, and maybe the calcium channel too if that actually has relevance to my situation as I suspect. I know there must have been someone else before me with ADHD who had similarly exploitative experiments performed on them to learn about the human body. Given the info I read about insane asylums, I think besides the woman that is alleged to have existed in the 70's, there was someone in the 20's discovered around the time of amphetamine's officially documented human use. The amount of mutations in my body makes it easier to isolate them with different environments and drugs. In this way, I regurgitated some hidden knowledge about the NMDA and dopamine systems by being starved close to death. That preexisting knowledge found in music, film, and slowly trickling through the radio waves of the internet proves most of the suffering me and my mother endured as I grew only served some selfish, sadistic desire on the part of the wealthy.
8:50 p.m. - I'm so quite literally sick of this bullshit that keeps me trapped here. The pain in my center forehead has persisted ebbing as the seaside along with an occasional gentle wind tickling a pleasureful regeneration. I feel more painful sensations there than the good tingles. I'm not sure why I feel pain like that. I suppose it is because of the cell training causing oscillations rather than the cell division to regenerate.
10:43 p.m. - The opening scene of Friday the 13th Pt. VI: Jason Lives proves the mantra "God hates fags" applies in that movie since the two fags awaken Jason. Then Jason waited on the last fag Tommy to show him the way to the bitches. There's something in my biology that makes me dislike faggots even though I respect their lifestyle. I still don't ever want to be around faggots if I don't have to be because of that ingrained nature. I feel like the government has sent my way to try to annoy me an army of substituted faggots, DeQueerius, BiQuerius, or whatever the fuck they call themselves these days. I'm creeped out by multiple groups of people with whom I would never associate.
Anyway, the episode Mac and Dennis Move to the Suburbs of Always Sunny goes well with that Jason VI movie. People tend to poke and prod at my outlandish examples and metaphors, but I see the strength in recognition and control of the malleability of words. I tend to ramp my examples up very quickly to show the extremity of the possibilities, but I almost always get dumbfound confusion and backlash. I can't think of any examples right now, but I wish I could. It doesn't matter so much since I've appropriately explained my approach.
January 18, 2022: 6:57 a.m. - My dog woke me up at 6:15 a.m. because he tried to pee on the floor. I'm also starving even though I ate two chili dogs before I passed out last night. There's still some weird stuff going on from all that bullshit "hunger strike".
7:07 a.m. - I have two days worth of medicine left now. This is like pissing in a schizophrenic's face for eighteen months and then laughing and retreating to pretend nothing's wrong when that schizophrenic can't afford medicine or food, the culmination of which is a schizophrenic episode combined with starvation and regression from lack of medicine. I now have to face the hallucinogenic, painful, and possibly deadly culmination of ADHD neural regression due to lack of amphetamine and unknown starvation after effects. The most positive outcome of this is permanently leaving behind the my shitty past documented here and living the pinnacle of life in its ultimate decline: death.
5:40 p.m. - I'm finally managing to watch The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 again. I'm spilling my guts out here on the page as the strung red lights adorning the entrance to Texas Battle Land also walk with me day and night to demand retribution for my needless blood spilled in the name of greed. Slow starvation of a creature is the ultimate sin as it forces the creature to destroy itself, a task forbidden by the DNA of almost every living thing with the notable exceptions of certain mutations (including mine, ADHD, if not medicated). What happened to the Christian doctrine of confession by prose, redemption by responsibility, and absolution by acceptance? I taste the fiery pepper scorn of my Hormel chili. It's delicious! Why go to church to recite written morals but refuse to preach your own gospel outside those walls? Those values the people around me claim to hold are all faked and meaningless to them, and I can prove it through my own written words shone here. I'm still sitting here like Jesus being tortured and nailed to a "whorecrutch" double cross like a Horcrux of the shadow organizations tailing me.
7:45 p.m. - I remember listening to The End by Bullet For My Valentine when I was in ninth grade. I was sitting in my house on the old grey couch under the light of the yellow lamp my grandma left for my mom and thinking about when I quit eating amphetamine in sixth grade. I kept thinking about and trying to get it again in eighth, ninth, and twelfth grade, but my mom always said there was no money, and it was true.
10:17 p.m. - Teja once asked me, "Did you get your fruit?" She sounded like she had a hidden, sadistic meaning. This reminds me of the blue circuit board that fell off the left side of my computer kind of like a node graph of grapes and vines. In terms of media, it reminds me of Lil Polaski disappearing with only a bowl of fruit left in the Lil Hitler segment of Robot Chicken. The situation also reminds me of that song Topless by Breaking Benjamin and of The Wilde Flowers by Opeth and loosely like its subsequent album art for Sorceress. I wonder if that was some hidden mechanism that could kill me if unnaturally invaded by an adrenal storm during the wreckage of the "hunger strike" resurfaced by my imminent cut off of my medication supply due to inevitable lack of funding for ultimately unknown but proposed sadistic, experimental, and medical reasons. That grapevine circuit board illustration could have simply been an intense NMDA regenerative reaction, but everything I noted before tells me there was also probably something different at play. There was so much abnormal stuff happening during that time period that I can't possibly know what could hurt me if I discontinue my medication.
January 19, 2022: 11:10 a.m. - I was going to jack off last night, and the abnormal "hunger strike" driven chemicals in my body must have signaled Breezy to defy me and start trying to take a shit. I also slept in after taking my amphetamine this morning from 7 a.m. to 10:35 a.m. My body was shaking violently around 11 a.m., which I haven't done in a couple months. There's still red slashes forming in my vision. At about 10:45, I was staring at a blue lattice again, and I can still see them even now.
3:36 p.m. - I found my second medicinal reserves I stashed away in case any rash decisions countered my long term medication plans. I grabbed my first reserves and that's now almost gone. Luckily, I foresaw problems coming because of my grandiose eight total years or so of amphetamine addiction. I have a week's supply of racemic amphetamine but no food for tomorrow.
January 20, 2022: 8:37 a.m. - Screw these sharecropper communist carpetbaggers refusing to help with my reconstruction efforts. They're not brazen enough to tell me their plans nor do they have the brazos to reach out about my disorder. If the mantra "Give me liberty or give me death" still exists in this America, I can't find it's soul outside myself.
11:54 a.m. - Using this YouTube video about limits of mathematical functions, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJZm-zp639s, I found a great metaphor in my failure to forge sustainable life by job applications in Atlanta(plug in), factorization (taking a break), common denominator (compromise for lower salary), and expanding (reaching out to Seattle and other cities). It's also a great metaphor for my intentions with seducing those strippers, wherein I plugged in sex, and then I would later factor negative aspects of the women and me like lying, find common ground denominators, and expand our lives to things like higher education, a house, and marriage. Instead, I plugged in sex, and later I have been factored and stripped to zero dollars, and now I await finding a common denominator with these folks and my expansion is left in their greedy hands daring me to bite them for food. My limit on negativity has been reached, and just like the universe, it is finite in extent. There are a finite number of atomic pieces like quarks and gluons mattering in this universe, so a finite number of ideas exist that can be created from this finite number of atoms. The number of permutations of ideas in the universe can be represented by the function for permutations with repetition allowed like the unique permutation of atomic pieces making the string "AAAAAAAAAAAAAA". If there are A atomic pieces in the universe, the number of permutations of atomic pieces with repetition allowed is simply A!. This is explained by shuffling the atomic pieces around the list of atomic pieces like three atomic pieces ABC->BAC->BCA, which is three permutations. Then the second atomic piece, B, can be moved around also three times like (BAC)->CBA->ACB->CAB, and finally C cannot be uniquely moved since it has been exchanged through all potential positions, thus demonstrating the logic behind the plugged in value 3! (3*2) for the mathematical function A!. Thus, A! arrangements of A atomic pieces is the absolute limit of human ideation.
6:47 p.m. - I have one slice of pepperjack cheese, some of a bag of sugar, and some dog treats left. Again, I have no food and the people around me have hoarded resources and refused to accept my offer to trade. It is quite evident this embargo will go on as it has the last eighteen months.
January 21, 2022: 11:43 a.m. - For every tear that runs down my face, my smile perks up and lights up my world. I love my disorder. I love myself.
1:14 p.m. - On the last "hunger strike", I figured out DMT boosts the efficiency of cells by taking the place of neurotransmitters like dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin that would otherwise still need be expended in time of hunger. The more common but unnatural LSD would also do the same. I suspect DMT but not LSD also bolsters bodily efficiency by some other mechanism unknown to me, but I'm not sure about that. However, food, water, and multivitamins are much cheaper than DMT harvested from Brazilian wood, so it wouldn't really help anyone unless it's wartime and there's not any time to stop to eat. Cannabis takes the place of natural cannabinoids and can save some energy too. Too much cannabis will increase hunger though. Since eating food stimulates the human body's natural cannabinoid flow, one should consume cannabis first to fill up the cannabinoid receptors and then eat. Then the body does not have to expend resources moving natural cannabinoids around the body. To maximize my high, I should eat a massive meal first to naturally flood my cannabinoid receptors then smoke weed.
Shaving hair can save energy by reducing the amount of cells needed to upholster the hair. Cutting hair is actually useful for poor folk in hunger since all you need is a cutting utensil like scissors. Showers, teeth care with a toothbrush, floss, and mouthwash, trimming fingernails and toenails, and other daily maintenance also helps reduce hunger since it reduces bacterial attacks on the body and subsequent human cellular reactions. Body exercises like explosive pushups and squat jumps can help the body maintain muscles in time of need. With proper exercise, humans will put extra focus on cutting dopaminergic resources in the brain but not the body's muscles which are needed for capture of prey.
I don't think jerking off and expelling sperm helps save energy. Those sperm need maintenance resources to stay in the body, but cumming means the body will attempt to regenerate those. This should cost more energy to create entirely new cells rather than feeding those cells, but perhaps in a time of hunger the body will regenerate less sperm. I don't see that to be the case since in time of death, even death by starvation, evolution dictates humans should breed to continue survival of the "cellular race". Knowledge of dwindling resources on Earth would slow the rate of breeding. Knowledge contained in the human brain has an impact on that human's offspring.
January 22, 2022: 11:10 a.m. - This video called Pants on the Ground my mom was jamming to when it aired on American Idol is exactly like this situation where I dropped my journal on the ground after dropping my pants on the ground for that stripper at the Platinum Club: "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMwhl4IrPNc". Why did nobody ever say anything to me and my mom about my ADHD?
2:08 p.m. - I killed all my fears when I was twelve years old and quit amphetamine. I've never been afraid since. I've been startled and insane, but I can never be truly afraid anymore, even in death. My mom appeared afraid when she died. Given my training with amphetamine and the knowledge I've gained, I'll hold onto those pieces of my neural network until the bitter, insane end. I believe the fear mechanisms lie outside my prefrontal cortex, possibly in the cerebral cortex given my surprise at the horror I witnessed trying meth that one time, so I'll never see them return to fruition in my lifetime, no matter how short society's sadistic determination makes it.
8:08 p.m. - I thought in 2022 that rich folk would have more of a long term vision of their future than to play with the lives of their fellow men and women like the short story The Most Dangerous Game I read in Ms. Saunders' class in 10th grade. In this story, a rich man with a mansion in the outlandish woods captures and releases a man to be hunted like the trophy of wild elephant or tiger. Strangely, we also read Dante's Inferno in her class in 12th grade, and looking at my listed depictions of death and my experience with deconstructing myself through starvation and methamphetamine, this story was probably written by someone with some similar notions gathered from the elderly, the mentally handicapped, and the poor. Playing these games to research folk is dangerous because evolution dictates my set of mutations for ADHD are not the same as anyone previously researched by the government. I could have died all this time while they continue claim my mutations and subsequent remedy of amphetamine are predictable and controllable in an experiment. The sadism espoused by those around should be recognized as masochism as the Earth and its constituents will evade that sadism by harmful means. To call oneself narcissistic or cynical without the recognition of such reciprocity is ignorant and self destructive.
I also read Dracula in Mrs. Saunders' 11th grade class, which was a cool story to read given I intend to mostly stay at home with a wife. Playing Dracula inside the strip club is about as insidious as playing Hitler in the motel. My intentions were to help those women find some other value in their life and wife one of them up, but for reasons unbeknownst to me, I failed to garner significant attention from them. Perhaps my failure there is related to the scorn I attract around this motel.
I still see the red slashes forming, and now they form more quickly. Since I am starving, they are no longer indicative of forward progress but of the murder of millions if not billions of my forty trillion or so cells by the wealthy perpetrators of this travesty with no public facing script.
January 23, 2022: 12:33 p.m. - If words are not worth writing down, they're not right. If a speech cannot be given to the camera of the world, the speech is not sane to say.
I found this article detailing acceptance of negative behaviors posed by Ritalin: "https://www.researchgate.net/publication/231747573_Bad_Boys_Good_Mothers_and_the_Miracle_of_Ritalin". Insofar as I can see, the article does not detail the neurological reasons for negative behaviors inspired by methylphenidate for ADD and cocaine for delinquents. As the NET and DAT are blocked, norepinephrine and dopamine are left in use and are not returned to their storage vesicles for another tour of the neural network. This creates a sense of fulfillment in that area, while the norepinephrine and dopamine releasing mechanisms cannot send new neurotransmitters as the transporters are blocked from recycling the old neurotransmitters left in the synapse. Without new neurotransmitters, bad behavior is accepted by the neural network. I'm unsure of how socially sadistic behavior is explicitly rewarded by such an altered human neural network, but that is how socially sadistic behavior is accepted through the use of NET and DAT inhibitors like methylphenidate, cocaine, and methamphetamine. It's like that police officer on that show Live PD said: "You can't talk to them." You can't get anything through to them because they have no reason to abandon such negativity. Nature did not ever intend for these mechanisms to remain stagnant and allow negative personal and social behaviors to go internally unpunished by the human body's natural neurons that dictate such punishment. As time goes on with NET and DAT drugs, the human neural network then learns to push even more sadism on its peers.
Analyzing amphetamine on a macroscopic scale, new waves of norepinephrine and dopamine are released and pushed through the system and recycled (or toured) as ideas in the brain. Because new neurotransmitters and thus ideas must be pushed through as nature intended, the human is internally punished for negative personal and social behaviors and is rewarded for positivity in personal and social contexts. As the neural network is trained over time by amphetamine, a sense of personal and social morality is fostered.
4:10 p.m. - Allegedly, amphetamine interacts differently with the NET and DAT cells than methylphenidate, and instead when it binds to those neuron cells, it forces them to transport norepinephrine and dopamine to their terminal synapses. I'm unsure if it binds at a completely different location on the neuron cell or if its different key-like shape in the binding position of methylphenidate causes the alternative release through reverse transport. Seeing reports of folks eating shit like the infamous two girls one cup video and deceased John McAfee with Alpha-PHP make me think their reward for harmful behavior is caused in part by the embargo style blockade of these transporters by methylphenidate and company. Perhaps the combination of dopamine release, DAT inhibition, and NET inhibition explains such behavior. In that case, perhaps combining dextroamphetamine and methylphenidate would give greater rise to explicit reward for sadistic behavior. Perhaps the neural training for dopamine release stimulated by dextroamphetamine could reward sadistic behavior justified by later usage of methylphenidate. The Nazis were infamous for combining methamphetamine and cocaine in Pervitin. In any case, most people do not saturate their body's supply DAT and NET neurons with methylphenidate, meaning the neural network is always confounded by the myriad of mechanisms simultaneously operating.
Regarding the banned sister compound Alpha-PVP, I think because the hallucinations described by my methamphetamine experience are similar to those described by people on Alpha-PVP, this compound is more than just a DAT and NET inhibitor. It looks like Alpha-PVP also acts with an unbounded dopamine releasing mechanism, similar to how meth appears to act as a NET inhibitor but also a NE releaser. Given how meth metabolizes to classic amphetamine in the human body, perhaps the unobserved actions of Alpha-PVP that cannot be explained by DAT and NET inhibition can be explained by metabolites that have not been thoroughly studied.
Human studies are very limited, so the data showing NET and DAT inhibition in rats or using in vitro isolated human cells may exclude in vivo live human mechanisms. In vivo studies are necessary for a complete explanation as isolating a human muscular cell does not describe the same effect in a cranial cell nor does it describe the simultaneous effect on both types of cells. Because every human has a unique body and could have mutated types of cells like my DAT and most likely NET neuron cells, research studies using in vivo techniques do not necessarily paint a complete picture. For example, methylphenidate causes me extreme pain and catatonia since I have ADHD, and alcohol causes many Chinese people to have a red face flush.
I'm still uncertain of why my disastrous response to methylphenidate sharply increased from minor pain and discomfort to catatonia, extreme pain, and suicidal ideation as my ADHD was getting worse. I've only sparsely used methylphenidate less than ten times in my life. I suspect perhaps it is due to my mutated PCP2 or NMDA systems. I have heard through media whispers PCP may act as some sort of DAT or NET inhibitor due to some type of overflow mechanism, perhaps through the undefined hunger and feces stimulation effect. Given the physiological closeness of classic PCP's mechanisms of PCP2 receptor antagonism and possible burning DAT/NET overflow mechanism due to some unknown hunger and shitting mechanism, I think therefore my negative response to methylphenidate is mediated by my mutated PCP2 neurons which naturally decline in function over time and also show their face in response to my pain. Humanity did evolve one step at a time from single celled bacteria and an array of differently shaped molecules like oxygen and H2O, so analyzing the physical distance of one type of neuron from another and the synaptic shape similarity of those neurons is useful to learn how humanity evolved.
7:39 p.m. - The government should mandate detachable water filters for the home kitchen like in the Gun Fever episode of Always Sunny. I'm going to get one for every faucet from the kitchen tap water and for the shower. Water filters are typically slow, but there should be a filter with microscopic pores shaped to only allow water to filter, thereby not slowing the speed of the water much.
Another thing that's got me worried about the whole softness mechanism being unearthed during the "hunger strike" and subsequent, abrupt cessation of medical amphetamine training is the song Insane by Korn where it is said, "Softly kind, its soul is shed." I'd like to question someone about their experiences in hunger and if they too experienced any sort of unusual, unearthed mechanisms on this list, with or without the tandem addition of a consistent amphetamine regiment:
List 1. Burning head sensations reminiscent of the destruction and absorption of DAT
2. Endless softness like one would expect a baby to have
3. A supposed hormonal reaction causing increased hunger and shitting (maybe like PCP?)
4. Voices behind me that aren't really there while watching TV
5. A grapes or circuit board type of thing (I'm more doubtful this is unique from other mechanisms I've described and perhaps it is a combination of the visual splash mechanism and the NMDA mechanism)
6. Black smudges hiding behind, crawling around, and adorning white letters on a grey background when looking at a computer screen. They're like ants.
All the other stuff I've noted during the hunger strike like NMDA reactions and visions of prey watching me and coming to me are definitely part of my disorder.
7. My pointed heels and the acidic throw up. I suspect this is the addition of adrenal heel resources and puking removal of transporters to make adrenal room.
11:44 p.m. - I have 400 mg amphetamine; that's enough medicine to survive until Wednesday morning at 7 a.m. when unknown consequences will begin occur as a result of this government and gang mandated "hunger strike". These unknown consequences would peak about two days after that on Friday, but I'll never allow them to occur. The question in dire times is often, "What do I have to lose?" Here I ask, "What do I have to gain?"
January 24, 2022: 8:46 a.m. - I'm almost out of milk bone dog treats. I have five milk bone treats and a few cups of sweet tea to sip. It is a sin to watch your neighbor perish. I expect the people whom I recorded asking me to "strip" or "bare" my life to come back and fix my life like the Bible would expect them. I'm in pain. I've been in pain compounded by this baring of my life which I recorded someone saying on the ESA customer support. "Bare with us." This one interview with a woman for a programming job said, "They really want to see C." I think that statement about the programming language C was meant as a metaphor for watching me strip my money to nothing. She said it with some sort of sense of humor in her voice much like the "Rachel" woman whom I documented earlier. It hurts. My disorder guarantees that this "hunger strike" hurts more than anyone else would be hurt by the same action, and it also guarantees I will continue to hurt even more as I attempt repair of this cellular destruction. I can't even look myself in the eye in the mirror without feeling shame and looking away due to dopaminergic destruction via an artificial "hunger strike". This will continue for weeks or even months because the cells murdered during the "hunger strike" will need to be retrained after they have been regenerated. At some point, my disdain for the outside world will increase such that I will justify hurting someone to eat. I have no choice of that matter; c'est la vie and such is life. Ask "What would Jesus do?" Jesus would not destroy someone's life. If Jesus saw someone's life in ruin, he'd fix it back. This situation reminds me of the statement from that ancillary evil kid on The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, "You will rue the day." I'm certainly ruing the dopamine fiends locking me here in this unsweetened motel suite while I code up my resume all while carrying an unknown STD on my sack with no hope of a stocking being stuffed.
9:52 a.m. - As for the ten commandments of the Bible being violated, I see these among the list have been planned to be gleefully violated:
6. "You shall not murder" has been violently thrust on me by baring my monetary means to zero, forcing me into a "hunger strike", and starving and murdering my cells.
8. "You shall not steal." My sustainable livelihood has been stolen from me by consistent denial from those around me, and it is proven by my long trail of pleas and job applications.
10. "You shall not covet." It looks like many others in the distance are coveting my ADHD mutated organ cells for research and ADHD mutated blood cells for transfusion.
I don't believe in most of the stuff in the Bible, but it does teach some good lessons. The murder of someone's entirety of their thirty trillion or so cells is evil and a hellish act. The murder of part of someone by chopping off part of their head or forcing them into starvation is even more evil because the suffering of the rest of their cells will continue to stay after that singular evil act. As it is well known, torture is more evil than murder. Forced self mutilation and murder of cells like mandated starvation is even more evil than contact torture.
11:15 a.m. - I have about 350 mg of amphetamine left from my ounce since I've worked my way up to eating 216 mg of amphetamine per day spread over four even doses at 7 a.m., 11 a.m., 3 p.m., and 7 p.m., with some chaotic timing to initiate my mutated inhibitory PCP2 response and counteract this shitty unknown STD. Sometimes I eat my medicine ten minutes early, and sometimes I eat it twenty minutes late. Sometimes I wake up an hour late and descend that hour into forty-five minutes late, thirty minutes late, and then fifteen minutes late. That's the best I can do with no social support. I'll be forced by this blatant lack of social support to opportunistically take what I want from this capitalist society tomorrow.
I wonder if I can support a higher than average capacity for amphetamine given its necessity for my survival. I read an author like Stephen King or someone would eat 200 mg of amphetamine per day. The average prescribed amount per day is 120 mg maximum in 30 mg doses. I'm eating 216 mg per day in 54 mg doses. However, that's 27 mg levoamphetamine and dextroamphetamine per dose whereas doctors prescribe only 7.5 mg levoamphetamine per dose and 22.5 mg dextroamphetamine per dose. My system suits me better for my purposes considering the vast difference in intellectual throughput provided by levoamphetamine. Levoamphetamine controls a lot more mechanisms in my body as I discovered back in 2017. It doesn't appear to train the dopamine releasing mechanisms with which I also have a problem, so dextroamphetamine is still a critical intellectual necessity, although I've proved I still tend to sit here and write more as more of my brain's dopaminergic resources are burned, used up, and sacrificed to feed the rest of my body.
Critical dopaminergic resources for identification and capture of prey would not be sacrificed. I wonder what dopaminergic resources in the brain are involved in my writing and which ones have been sacrificed given there are seven subtypes of dopamine receptors D1-D7 and possibly multiple types of releasing neurons for different functions. I'd like to learn more about these mysterious TAAR1 and VMAT2 receptors that have been purported to play a critical role in amphetamine's action. I assume the military research folk have a greater idea of these mechanisms than anyone else, but I'll probably never get the answers I seek from them. Independent researchers at universities will probably rediscover the information the military has already garnered from lab rats and live human experiments, such as the actions of the one hundred year old military breach and clear drug MDA I rediscovered even though the United States CIA killed a man with a blatantly lethal injection of 450 mg seventy years ago in an "experiment".
8:56 p.m. - I remember Teja saying with a creepy smile, "It suffocates me." She said super seriously, "You shouldn't say you were just..." This reminds me of Suffocating Sight by Trivium. I swear there's someone who knows something about this softness thing, and I'm worried that is some mechanism that will be used to murder me under the combined duress of ADHD, "hunger strike", and amphetamine withdrawal. It's bothering me as the end of my amphetamine supplies inches closer. It's easy to know I'll run out of medicine but continue to get easily get food for free from those around me. Any of those unknown unearthed mechanisms could harm me, and there are likely more mechanisms I didn't get to observe. Nobody has said a word about any of this to me, but I know the information is out there. This knowledge is being used against me just as I was lured to the strip club to get that STD and have been shunned since. Given the level of dissident against me, it is obvious that even if I didn't go to the strip club, eventually some woman would have approached me and then the same sequence of events over the past eighteen months would occur. It's somewhat reminiscent of the red girl lying there at the beginning of The Legend of Zelda II: A Link to the Past. I never beat that game when I was a kid.
<amp quit day> January 25, 2022: 10:04 a.m. - I slept in today for a couple hours until 9 a.m. and delayed my amphetamine treatment until then. Some shred of vanity was calling me to the mirror last night as it did during the last "hunger strike". I was playing the original Zelda yesterday. It's hard to gather good metaphors for the game. I always lost my save data on the NES console. I lost my save data one morning when I was trying to beat the final boss Gannon a second time after losing the night before. I never had the patience to beat that game because I had the final game ever made for NES, Star Tropics II: Zoda's Revenge, and it had an interesting time travel story with great depictions of enemies like the giant Yum Yum boar and the mysterious alien Zoda with separate evolved forms X, the most humanoid and cloaked, Y, which I can't remember, and Z, the final alien form. The boss rush at the end of that game was a great challenge where you had to fight every single boss of the game and then fight Zoda one last time. I beat that game a few times.
11:39 a.m. - Last night I had a very vivid dream like the last "hunger strike". The content, vividness, and timing of the dream make me think it was caused by the "hunger strike". I was on a neighborhood street with sidewalks, lawns, and typical, one story houses. I went into a house shaped like that OKLA radio station from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, stole a bunch of food and robbed it, and on my way back down the sidewalk, quicksand appeared and there was only a thin line of sidewalk to cross back to my house which was strangely at the sidewalk's end rather than its side. As I ran across, I fell in and I woke up while I was sinking. The dream seemed to last for hours, but those are all the details I remember.
The dream reminds me of some novel I read when I was a kid and reading The Cooper Kids series by Frank E. Peretti where a homeless man and woman broke into a man's house and tore it apart while leaving a full ice tray which was poisoned or something. It sticks out to me for some reason. Nightmare Academy by Frank Peretti was one of my favorite novels. This "Easy lay" stripper situation reminds me of the scene where in the very first class the literature professor Mr. Easley slams this tough guy's forehead on the desk and laughs. This was after the two kids of this guy were kidnapped from a hospital and sent to this Knight-Moore Academy in a remote country location in the woods. The Hangman's Curse is the only other entry in the series, where a series of murders were investigated, and in the end it was found to be caused by black widows planted by someone. I think that is some sort of metaphor for the sadism caused by methamphetamine given my personal initial visions of spider beleaguering. Perhaps the poisonous nature of methamphetamine penetrates in the human body to one of the same neurological mechanisms stimulated by spider venom. I also read his novels This Present Darkness and Piercing the Darkness, and even though I was atheist whilst reading them in elementary school, I liked the themes and the great names given to the demons like the cats from the Warriors series.
My last dream taking place on about New Years was me on vacation in a vacation house with a living room and dining table. I was sitting at the dining table with a bunch of women, and I thought one was kinda cute. She was making advances toward me, but I was meandering around her advances like usual because I thought she was very emotionally salient but not very emotionally considerate in her interactions with her peers. It was a bunch of that for hours. Anyway, I need food and sustainability or I'll stay a dead man walking forever.
11:55 a.m. - I'm holding my medicine until 12:20 p.m. When I close my eyes, I see the rainbow mist morph to a rainbow depiction of the Pokemon Beedrill coming toward me with a more menacing look every time it reforms every two or three seconds.
11:57 a.m. - A beautifully sadistic woman dressed like an older anime version of Raven from Teen Titans but with red eyes and the biggest grin is trying to rise in my mind's eye now. Her head and hair are more like Yuno from Future Diary. It's hard to make her out which is unfortunate because I loved all the imagery I cast through my neural network to my prefrontal cortex back when I started medicating in August.
12:00 p.m. - Now I just see rainbow lines but the most prominently visible of them are red which appear to have about 90% opacity over my vision. It's easier to see them with my eyes closed or in the dark.
1:26 p.m. - I still have faith I'll survive this situation by the trade of a new sustainable career move with some kind hearted miracle from someone out there like an answered prayer by the Bible's god. Of course, my goal to get rich is to have a sustainable business with my video game entrepreneurship, though I never wanted to be a hoarder like Jeff Bezos. If I had been successful in such a manner through the creation of For My Aspect, it would have been like Jesus rising from the dead after being dragged up a hill and nailed to the cross.
However my ADHD and amphetamine mandated artistic endeavors get me out of poverty, in the end, I aim to have a nice two story house in the suburbs of Seattle, two nice cars for my wife and me, and a small fortune of a few million in savings just in case. Aside from that, I do not want anything else expensive. I don't want any vacation houses, extra vehicles, and international vacation expeditions via plane or boat (too dangerous). I appreciate the small amount of incredible things I've gathered like playing Modern Warfare on my single laptop computer for days on end, and I think it's best to redistribute my excesses to the people who need it more than me.
After I pay back the gracious $100,000 or so in Tech Promise donations that helped me get through college, I'd like to use my status as a self sufficient generator of wealth to start businesses that hire unemployed and underemployed folk. I would not give any money to charities that give out money like Tech Promise and poor legal funds since it would be more economically efficient use that money to increase salaries in the businesses I start. I would contribute to the dwindling of those funds, but in reality, the funds exist because of the salary problems which should take priority so it would be a service to future citizens. Aside from starting new businesses not focused on amassing profit like Amazon, I would also give excess money to charities that do work like PAWS animal shelter and Trees Atlanta tree planters.
2:45 p.m. - To keep up my calories and protein, I've been eating and drinking milk bone treats, sugar water, and sweet tea since I ate that last slice of pepperjack cheese. I thought I only had fifty cents in quarters, but I managed to scrounge up $2.95. I'm going to eat eggs and Ramen noodles.
4:56 p.m. - That Ramen and eggs really turned my attitude around like an attitude adjustment from WWE. I need the remainder of the eggs to last until Friday. I was looking at my work motto for "continuously working", and that got me thinking about the continuous or continual nature of timespace once again. Insofar as I can see into timespace, given the intertwined nature of time and space with the discrete makeup of space with particles of a finite and not infinitesimal size like quarks, gluons, and even smaller particles, there should be a unit of time that is the smallest divisible atomic unit of time that can move forward. This smallest unit of time would be the size or smaller of that smallest particle size which makes the three dimensional grid of space which objects are allowed to move. My knowledge of astrophysics is limited to my calculus based AP Physics C class in twelfth grade, but I would certainly like to go back to school for a Master's Degree in some form of physics or computer artificial intelligence.
I'd like to go back to school in at least five but not more than fifteen years to give the science and technology time to advance more so I can maximize my benefit from physics and AI courses. A cool idea was to help one of those strippers get her Bachelor's while I get my Masters' degree, but now I'm a hell of a lot less certain about interacting with any more strippers. I'm still open to those few strippers I liked here in Atlanta since I grew up in a pretty broken home, but I would need some pretty lengthy conversation to justify hanging out with them more.
Perhaps I'm overreacting about the drop off from my amphetamine regiment. I'll wait and see while remaining optimistic, but the intense pain and adrenal reactions I've had in the past make me a little worried with all these strange government and gang mandated "hunger strike" problems I've never seen and am still working on fixing. It'll probably be fine. I just need to drive over to Portland or Seattle for a new job and then I can resume training later.
5:44 p.m. - I like to use gods as a metaphor for the laws governing the universe. Like Stephen Hawking, I think a god of physics is a great metaphor for atheists to easily communicate with theists. A lot of times I like to think of "the man" as those same physics laws, medicinal amphetamine, norepinephrine releasing mechanisms, or even adrenaline. A grandpa works as a good metaphor for those same things when watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. A mother works as a good metaphor for dextroamphetamine, dopamine efflux mechanisms, serotonin, and love. Given the nature of a neural network, sons and daughters make excellent metaphors for the norepinephrine, dopamine, and serotonin receptors. Roads and bridges make good metaphors for the transporter systems like DAT, NET, and SERT.
8:02 p.m. - Now that I have an active job interview on my plate, I'm applying for food stamps. I was unwilling to do that before because I've been trying to get a job away from my unknown assortment of government and gang stalkers for eighteen months. I didn't need the benefits so I didn't use them. Now that I'm arbitrarily backed into a corner, I'm getting them, but I still will not be strung along as a sharecropper for rich laughs. Once I get a job, I plan to take a loan from a friend and drive to the job location, Portland, Oregon as of late. I'll need to ship stuff like my power rack and bed since I can't fit that much stuff in my loaner car, but I still plan to get a new California king size memory foam bed from Amazon or some other big, cheap company. I can't bring my rolling tray and I'm out of medication so I'm not worried about the drive. After I get to Portland, I'll immediately resume ADHD treatment to continue enhancing my abilities. The plan is to continue with treatment for a minimum of another thirty-six months, and then resume my reach for life outside of amphetamine addiction for which I must overcome an addiction pregnancy of about nine months to achieve.
10:32 p.m. - I'm looking to rent a van to drive across the country so I can take my bed and power rack with me. Maybe it could hold enough weight to take my weights too. 1,000 pounds capacity is required to start the trip; I'll check out the van's carrying capacity when I get closer to crossing that bridge. I use a semicolon for statements that are explained by the following statement; I use colons for other statements that explain the following statement.
January 26, 2022: 6:02 p.m. After months, I finally wanted to work on and fixed that end sound bug in Speed Timer at 1:35 p.m., the tail end of my last amphetamine dose at 11 a.m. Swallowing that dose brought tears of joy to my eyes in mere seconds. I don't want to do anything else right now, but if the spark returns, so shall I. I also worked on enhancing my security by enabling more two factor authentication. I see rainbow lines forming all over the place. Faces are curling up. Red slashes sometimes form and are three to four times as big as the rainbow lines. I cannot tell if it is the result of my recent feasting on Nutty Bars, the leftovers of my improvements from my medication earlier today, or part of my current and inevitable decline by amphetamine withdrawal of nine months of hell. I briefly made out a pentagram earlier, although that symbol does not mean much to me beyond my hand trapped within a deadly circle. I do not sympathize with any Satanist interpretations of a pentagram. I could see a rainbow sword earlier as well. When I walked outside, the trees looked very nice, but they didn't appear to be colored or changed nor holding out their hands to me like on my bike rides to Verizon Connect. Beyond those visions, the front left side of my head hurts.
I know I can count on my mutated and trained PCP2 receptors to help and protect my consciousness in these horridly artificial woes. This amphetamine withdrawal isn't all for nothing; my mutated neurons like PCP2, NMDA, various acetylcholine, and other ones I don't know about are all learning to help me through these times even more. I never knew I could silence the myriad of lies with which I am bombarded by those fiends around me. I don't know what mechanism is responsible for that since that happened only very recently at the Publix. When I was a kid, that one episode with the parade of rainbow women was the only time I remember these PCP2 hallucinations. This time, they stuck around very vividly for about three months, and I had a nigh full NMDA hole that was like a hazy full moon. Going on and off my medication these past few years was a brilliant idea for teaching those types of neurons to love me. I shall rise from my falls with even more strength every time. The next time I make the climb to enhance myself with amphetamine, I shall find even more comfort in the various disconnections by neurons have learned to uphold. Months after the "hazy full moon", I had an even bigger NMDA reaction like a BioShock Infinite tear in conjunction with a blaring, unidentifiable sound. I wonder what to look forward to in the future. These whole ADHD driven amphetamine inclines and declines get easier. They truly get easier.
Speed Timer v1.1:
Added custom alarm and metronome sounds: import .mp3 and .wav files
Window transparency option
Always on top option for multitasking
Enter and space key control timer
Tab and Shift+Tab focus next and previous UI timer entries
Bug fixes: Fixed end timer sound not stoppable
11:06 p.m. - I remember my old high school principal "Dr." Crumbs very controversially said, "You can't fix stupid." I decided to rewatch Ron White's You Can't Fix Stupid stand up show, and he notes you would think to tell someone ANYTHING about a flipper just after talking very strangely about attention. Flipping my amphetamine and ADHD around without seeing anyone else doing it in any medical case study or autobiography, it's got me asking myself what the shit is really going on here? Anyway, I watched it because I remember Ron White says, "It is better for your seed to fall in the belly of a whore than on the ground." I was more mortified by having only fifty bucks than fucking a pretty whore or having a religious mother. The night of August 30, 2021, when I was standing side by side in my bed with my own lord, a caricature of the stripper girl Taylor, I told her, "We're going to have so much fun together."
I found the Bible verse in question here: Genesis 38:8-10 NIV
Then Judah said to Onan, â€œSleep with your brotherâ€™s wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to raise up offspring for your brother.â€But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brotherâ€™s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from providing offspring for his brother. What he did was wicked in the LORDâ€™s sight; so the LORD put him to death also.
The issue is that Onan spilled his semen in an act of greed to the detriment of that whore and her husband. Onan's sister in law was a whore accepting payment in the form of a child. A whore does not need to take money to be a whore. Surrogate mothers can be considered whores. Women who have sex for power like a promotion are whores. It doesn't make them bad people to trade sex for something else since everything should be traded, but it is immoral to trade sex for other things like food or power when romantic time or just straight money not only could but should be traded.
January 27, 2022: 11:59 p.m. - It's pretty obvious, but I can't have sex with any more women until we both trade an up to date report of STD tests. All these strange approaches by people I don't know yet know me still has me on edge. I can't work on that issue until I have a new job to sustain such things. I'm not concerned about meeting a suitable woman, and I don't intend to resume my search until finding financial sustainability and stability. I have the will to love myself forever, and that is all I need. The important task at hand is removing myself from this artificial cycle of poverty plaguing my whole life.
January 28, 2022: 1:46 p.m. - I don't care at all for remembrance of myself; all the work I put it into my life is for self admiration so that I shine not only in life but in death. The world could use all the knowledge I've uncovered that was lost, but it is not my responsibility or desire to disseminate it. I still have more to learn about myself. I wonder if there are any more strange abilities I have due to ADHD.
3:23 p.m. - I applied to Tableau, Sony, and Demonware of Activision.
9:52 p.m. - I applied to Cannabis Creative Group, Grow Op Farms, and Leafly.
January 29, 2022: 1:24 p.m. - Since Maus is being banned in schools around America, I've published my Maus inspired comic and corresponding analysis I wrote in Kashtan's English 1101 class back in July 2014.
January 30, 2022: 1:09 p.m. - My head hurts a little above my right eyebrow. It's hurt since I woke up at 11:45 a.m. I drank some preworkout which markedly increased the hallucinations I'm having but didn't remove the pain above my right brow, so I know that pain is related to my amphetamine withdrawal or my recovery from the government and gang mandated "hunger strike". It appears that caffeine enhances NMDA hallucinations and, when I'm on amphetamine, some unknown hallucinations I have of shadow creatures in the distance which were there when I was a kid too. I wasn't having any noticeable NMDA hallucinations when I woke up, but now five minutes after drinking that preworkout with about 70-80 mg caffeine in one half scoop Optimum Nutrition Gold Standard, I can see blue lattices over my vision with my eyes open and closed, and red slashes are prominently appearing. It's the same as when I was drinking sweet tea over the past few months. I feel a lot more engaged to my external environment now as I peer to my kitchen vanity and my computer screen. I know I'm rebuilding my deprived and sacrificed dopamine and NMDA systems. I'm still unsure of how caffeine intake affects my PCP2 reactions. I abstained from caffeine for that period of three months or so of my amphetamine treatment, so I don't have any data on that. I notice some rainbow wires now, so I suppose it also enhances that aspect, but I don't have more data to back that up. The effect is subtle, but my hypothesis is that caffeine enhances my natural PCP2 reactions.
I wonder how these mutated PCP2 and NMDA inhibitory actions work. Perhaps my mitochondrial DNA inherited from my mother and powering my cells is mutated from my mother's alcohol and tobacco intake. Normally, glutamate or some other neurotransmitter sparks the neural network by bridging the electrical gap in the synapse. The synaptic neuron could decide not to give an electrical impulse by some mutated, learned mitochondrial effort or perhaps the PCP2 neurotransmitter releasing mechanism has learned not to release glutamate or whatever neurotransmitter affects the PCP2 neurons. There are also nuclear DNA and RNA instruction sets in the human body, so I have no idea how this inhibitory PCP2 visual response is elicited in my body. Membrane shape could also be mutated to allow different resource intake like limiting water intake, but this would probably not have anything to do with my situation. Cells are very complex and formed of many, many atoms with many mechanisms to support energy intake and energy output, so with the level of research I have seen I cannot know for sure right now.
5:43 p.m. - My head hurts still on and above my right eyebrow and has since I woke up. It hasn't let up. However, it's not so bad compared to my previous amphetamine withdrawals. I wonder if my neurons have learned to not fire a pain response in response to amphetamine withdrawal. Perhaps it is because my compensatory mechanisms like PCP2 and NMDA inhibition have learned to be more prominent. Perhaps it is because the changes I've induced are less extreme. Perhaps it is because I have forged a greater sense of stability in my neurons. It is probably mostly the latter explanation since I don't remember any sort of jackhammers pounding the back of my head and stuff when I was a kid, but I can't say for sure because of all the confounding factors. I remember being in pain and lots of crying and confusion when I was a kid, but I don't remember anything like what happened in March 2018.
7:54 p.m. - The reason I medicated for such a short period of time before is because I only expected my amphetamine withdrawal to last a couple weeks when I quit back when I had dinner at Waffle House with Anna. I never expected it to last nine months... In any case, I wanted to see life outside of my addiction again. Like it was said in Bleach, life is short, so I should seize an opportunity to have fun with a woman while it's possible. In that case, back in 2018 that girl was 3-MeO-PCP, my lifeline to mitigating addiction through inhibition of the PCP2 receptor, and back in 2020, that girl turned into the pretty stripper(s) ESi. Now I find my abstinence from amphetamine builds my inner strength in various ways like my naturally mutated PCP2 inhibition.
8:29 p.m. - The pain was prominent at 8:24 p.m. just now, but now it's receding pretty rapidly. I'm starting to feel a lot better.
9:35 p.m. - The pain relief died down for a bit, but it's definitely returned with less strength. I feel a lot better after smoking though. Sometimes smoking reduces the pain, and other times it doesn't. There's lots of simultaneous stuff going on in my head, so it's impossible for me to say why.
12:09 a.m. - I really need to find a woman to figure out if any of my special ADHD qualities can enhance our intimacy. I understand how things like severing some processing of things like leaves and water splashes (many objects like a splash of distracting yellow spots on a Cheetah) can speed up the body and brain to give me a faster jump on my prey and opponents. For the military, it helps them more quickly lock on target. I see a lot of sex jokes about things like the yellow cheetah spot, splashy mac & cheese effect, the crimson wall effect, the scarlet blood pool effect, and the sky blue air wires. I don't really get any of them, but given the jokes' existence in media, I'd like to learn about how such evolved disconnecting mechanisms might enhance the love in my relationship with a woman through playing games, talking, and sex. These are mechanisms traded for other things like my altered dopamine transporter system, so I know my social interaction with a woman will be diminished in some ways like bullshitting.
I'm also curious what genes could be passed down to a zygote. I was always open but presently denied to having a kid, but now curiosity killed the cat, so now I'm interested in having ONE kid. Also people have innate mechanisms that evolve to make them want to have kids so my decision is probably based on more than my rational curiosity despite the fact that rationality bears much more weight.
January 31, 2022: 2:29 p.m. - For about two seconds, I just saw an upside down rainbow hand about 30 cm tall waving slightly to me in my forward vision when I looked to the left of my computer screen. As I type in Sublime Text on the right half of my screen, my anime girl wallpaper waves and smiles to me in the corner of my eyes. A X formed from those NMDA slashes that are 15 to 30 cm long but only 1 cm thick takes shape over and over again every second or two over random parts of my vision. Giant red slashes traced by smaller PCP2 rainbow lines also form across the entirety of my vision. I see one now and it is about 3 cm wide and is traced on both sides by a rainbow line about 1.5 cm thick. It slowly descended down my vision and decreased in thickness until it smoothly disappeared into the top of my keyboard as I typed.
I'm definitely still recovering from that shitty government and gang mandated "hunger strike" that will continue indefinitely if they won't trade my consistent labor for a sustainable monetary future driven from their hordes of wealth in the form of money, knowledge, land, and goodwill.
5:29 p.m. - I just applied to Tesla in Fremont, California again. I applied to SpaceX in Redmond, WA and Ford in Dearborn, MI.
12:09 a.m. - I read Aldous Huxley died with an injected dose of LSD. I think that's great thinking, but I don't want anything injected into me. I want the experience to be more naturally feeling, smooth coming, and relaxing, so no injections even on my deathbed.
When I'm in my time of dying, I want an edible dose of 100 ug LSD and 5 mg insufflated 3-MeO-PCP (or 10 mg oral 3-MeO-PCP if I can't breathe through my nose). I'd also like to have some weed vapor given to me somehow, and this could be done like Ricky from The Trailer Park Boys when the boys use it to get him out of a coma. Alternatively a weed oil brownie could be given to me, but the vapor would be best. That should make for a great, easy going, and relaxing time without screwing anything up.
My natural neurotransmitters will have all the room they need to make everything happen. I wonder about stressing my natural serotonin release with the mild SRI action of 3-MeO-PCP, but I know it will be fine given my very limited and controlled experiments with 3-MeO-PCP and MDA. I'd go for the standard medical dissociative ketamine, but it doesn't feel natural and stress free like 3-MeO-PCP. Although MXE has been profiled as targeting glutamate receptors and SERT, I don't think it has been profiled well enough since in sub hole doses it has that fiendish edge that ketamine has. Almost no studies have profiled the PCP2 receptor anyway, and there are many unknown mechanisms in the body. Anyway, the selective affinity of the 3-MeO-PCP molecule for only a few synapses makes it a great choice.
I still need to investigate 3-MeO-PCP again in 3.5 more years to make sure its addictive properties are as manageable as I've found them to be over these past few years. In fact, I can't believe I was able to leave it with only a very short itch. I think my future experiments will go as well as my previous ones provided I respect my body and give my cells time. I'll be filling my time with amphetamine as is expected since I have ADHD and need to train my cells. After using amphetamine for 3.5 more years, I'll see what 3-MeO-PCP will be like as a life enhancer and addiction remover after spending a long time away.
I think there's a better dying psychedelic than LSD that doesn't have as much nausea. 4-HO-MiPT is a good candidate, but I'd like to see a pharmacological profile on it and do more personal research. DMT stresses me out a little when I first inhale it so I wouldn't want that.
I would wish for a small amount of amphetamine too since I've been with it about one third of my life, but I think that would make my death too stressful. I wonder how my natural supplies of norepinephrine and dopamine will react in death given they don't know how to release well on their own during my lifetime. As long as I've kept up my neurons' training, everything should go well. In the case that I'm in amphetamine withdrawal during my demise, 50 mg oral MDMA should be given about once a week until I'm dead while making sure not cross over with the LSD and 3-MeO-PCP since MDMA is a stressor.
In dying, though it's very common, I don't want any morphine or any opioids like that. I'd rather let my natural endorphins fulfill that role. No alcohol and no other forms of GABA drugs. When I'm dying, the standard multivitamin and vitamin A should be given. Melatonin should be given at night. If I have to be given a liquid diet, Hormel chili with pepperjack cheese and assorted peppers like Carolina Reaper should be liquidated with a blender and pumped into me; no random soupy chickenshit burrito fluids should be put in my body. Creatine should be given to support my muscles since I won't be able to weightlift when I'm dying, and I want to stay in shape when my special dying moment comes. The more fit I am when I die, the more my muscles and their supporting structures will be able to love me in that time.
My head barely hurt at all today which was great. It didn't hurt much above my right brow. Mostly it was in the back of my head. I still itch for amphetamine.
February 1, 2022: 8:34 a.m. - I revised a lot of my thoughts about my death in my previous list of eventual neural disconnections. I noted down the black hands as receding to the environment as I perceived them as I returned to consciousness from sleeping in my time of severe ADHD problems back in 2016, but it makes sense that losing consciousness would reverse the direction of my perception to a crazed embrace. My simultaneous NMDA and PCP2 reactions should yield me the perception of many angel women with wings and not just women. I don't think other people will have the luxury of beholding these things as clearly and long as me. Since I have ADHD, and my neurons naturally disconnect quite a bit, I naturally and clearly perceive these beautiful visions in life, and thus in death I will have the same result.
I also have to contemplate how my memories will overlap with the visions and other perceptions. I'd expect having a wife to greatly influence my perception of angel women. I don't expect much creative room in the later stages of neural disconnections and my visions would be more simple and formed of shapes like squares and things. Perhaps the last thing I might synthesize in my mind would be a rudimentary vision of an angel woman formed from simple shapes like squares, spheres, and triangles like the polygons forming 3D software renderings. This could be reminiscent of a woman or wife with whom I spend lots of time, and barring that luxury my last visual perceptions would be reminiscent of some caricature like Yuno from Future Diary.
I wonder if some feeling of being weightless will come into play there. It would be the opposite of the heavy feeling gathered from Benadryl or my rebound from the "hunger strike". However, I never felt weightless during the "hunger strike", so I don't know how to interpret such a mechanism without more research and experience in life. I wouldn't expect my death to feel like an amplification of gravity. I'd expect neural disconnection for feeling gravity to feel like being weightless. I want to gather a more exhaustive list of mechanisms in the human body that I can appreciate in life and death.
9:40 a.m. - I wonder what the military has learned about human anatomy from experiments on things like butterflies and sharks mentioned in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. Comparing the differences in the types and connections of different neurons found in the neural networks of humans and other species can teach me a lot about how my own body works. Investigating the types of neurons found and lacking in small, simple crustaceans and insects like caterpillars and animals cohabitating with blind deep sea fish can teach me about object recognition. Sharks' neurons and lack thereof can teach about prey acquisition and power. Snakes' neurons and lack thereof can teach me about movement speed. Parrots' neurons and lack thereof can teach me about speech synthesis. Monkeys' neurons and lack thereof can teach me about higher level human processes like mathematics.
12:57 a.m. - The covers of Metallica are better than the originals. I don't like any classic Metallica songs, but the Master of Puppets cover by Trivium and Fade to Black by Sonata Arctica are sublime examples of improvement in emotive singing, clarity of instrumentation, and heavy bass. It's not that it's old. I like Slayer. It's well written music, but I think it's performed badly. When I learn guitar, I want to make my own cover of a Metallica song. I plan to pick guitar and video game art back up once I have financial stability again. Financial stability will give me more leisure to focus on my art and other leisurely activities. For now watching TV and hoping for a sustainable job is my go to plan.
February 2, 2022: 10:28 a.m. - On awakening, my front forehead hurts quite a bit like it is being pressed. I had a horrible dream about trying to weigh out 50 mg of a new batch of like an ounce of amphetamine over and over again but getting distracted by fraternity people like Erik Brewer and Tony Nelson from 6th grade. Each time I went to weigh it out, it turned more and more brown until it looked like the avb I've been smoking. I lived in a fraternity house that had a second floor balcony area with a narrow 30 cm wide ledge to walk along a row of rooms to the exit door. That dream wasn't so bad.
I had one a couple nights ago where I was stuck in this ESA motel room except my room was on the first floor. I was surrounded by gangsters coming for me so I barricaded the front door. I sat in silence with Breezy waiting to try to escape or be rescued somehow. I heard someone using my shower like something from a horror movie, and I opened the bathroom door to find a burly bald headed black dude the same height as me menacingly walking toward me. I plunged my pocket knife to his chest as he tried to grab me and felled him. As I returned to my bed, some crazy skinny crackhead looking guy with dreads was pushing through the window screen and wailing like a zombie. Breezy was just lying there. The crackhead ran away. After a while, I climbed through that window to try escaping, and I ran around a three meter tall chain link fence surrounding the motel to go through the driveway. I ran up the street without Breezy since he had disappeared in the dream. I don't remember much of the rest, but I was still trapped and under threat by beleaguering crackheads.
2:23 p.m. - I've been screwing up my resume typing MySQLi instead of MySQL without any forethought of the difference between the PHP language specification and the actual MySQL database storage technology. Nobody has said a damned thing in these four years its been on my resume. It's just like everything else in my life. Everyone sits back in the shadows and laughs while offering nothing to remedy my situation. Fuck it; I've fixed it now.
3:44 p.m. - I applied to JD.com, Tencent, and Associated Press.
7:07 p.m. - I had a lot of gas yesterday after drinking a big glass of Luzianne sweet tea and smoking a bunch of avb. I was farting for a few hours every few seconds. It's probably related to my amphetamine withdrawal and possibly the STD. I've been eating Hormel chili almost every meal for over five months, but I haven't had a reaction like that at all. I've been eating chili dogs for five months, and I haven't even desired to go get any other food. I was running a nonstop marathon of South Park and then Always Sunny, and I was perfectly satisfied with that.
8:01 p.m. - I applied to Flipboard, Medium, Fox News, General Motors, SmartNews.
10:14 p.m. - I want to separate my neural capability degradation disorder of ADHD from people being lazy. I have a myriad of far reaching mutations in many different types of neurons in my body which mandate I consistently eat amphetamine to not lose bodily functioning. This persists from childhood to death. It has been defined before and lost, but I wish to retain the label of ADHD.
For others, if such specific deficits are proven, they may have a mutation of only a devolving dopamine releasing mechanism which can be rectified by dextroamphetamine alone but could be more thoroughly rectified by racemic amphetamine. I suppose this could be called ADD. Everything else, like overactive transporters would need to be redefined. IQ deficits that are rectified by amphetamine but do not continuously degrade to absolute stupidity should be defined as they are: performance enhancing prescriptions. Given the lack of proper definitions for ADHD as anything other than a low IQ, I'd like to see proof before medications like dextroamphetamine or methylphenidate are prescribed. Methamphetamine prescribed as Desoxyn should be immediately banned as it doesn't appear to have any superior medical value to classic racemic amphetamine but has awful abuse potential with terrible societal consequences.
February 4, 2022: 1:43 p.m. - I just woke up. I wonder if people are expecting me to somehow survive on my father Bonnell Love's inheritance. I dismissed that notion since someone called me back when I was at Verizon Connect and mentioned he had been involved with some kind of gang and drugs. He talked for a bit about how if there was anything left I could have it. He sounded like there wouldn't be anything left there for me. My father paid a lump sum of like $30,000 in child support back when I was like 12. My mom used that to pay back taxes on my house. Anyway, given the silent, berating, confusing, and slave master sharecropping attitudes around me, I don't want anything from that dead man. He left without ever saying anything and never made any effort to connect. My mom said he loved his pain pills more than anything, so I assume he spent his time drinking beer and popping Codeine as my mom found on Google Maps at that Florida house. There could have been better outcomes. Given the massive library in his old house in Columbus, I assume reading those things should have motivated my father to change his life. Perhaps he never peered into them just as he never peered into his child peer, me.
I still see the red slashes forming across my vision. I see circular blue spots forming broken lattices where I can't see and am pleasantly stupefied. It's been like a month since I ended that first hunger strike with a $500 donation from Wartofsky.
1:56 p.m. - I'm drinking some Luzianne sweet tea, and after taking my first sip, I saw a dark blue lattice form in a perfect circle of 40-50 cm when I looked to my left at the wall. It remained for only a little more than a second but captivated me as usual. Why continue to play this game? The SNAP food stamps, medicaid, and free or subsidized housing are meant to keep me in poverty forever at the whim of the ever growing sadistic rich. It's meant to widen the gap between rich and poor as they continue to exploit my ADHD disorder to prescribe performance enhancing drugs like methylphenidate, and dextroamphetamine, and methamphetamine that have the negligent societal drawback of increased sadism.
The ancient and everlasting mantra of life to independently foster one's own place in this Earth has dwindled as the Earth's resources are hoarded and milked by the newfound parasitical human cultures, but I won't embrace such notions. As people continue to dwell in cities and become more reliant on each other, technological advances allow for self sustainability through things like indoor plant growing with artificial sunlight and indoor farming. Such things were once exclusive to corporations and governments with massive funding for the newfound research, but advances like fishbowls and indoor marijuana operations prove that poor folk can find sustainability even in the high rises of the future. Of course, people have somewhat become conditioned against killing their fellow animals as machines have taken over those roles. It is disastrous for humans to become averse to killing because it is biologically necessary to harvest amino acids and other nutrients from other animals and plants.
I reject the notion of acquiring proteins exclusively from plants since evolution dictated I hunt and kill other animals to continue evolving. The blood red slashes in my vision as my dopamine and NMDA system is sacrificed and reconstructed are symbolic of not only my self sacrifice but my desire to hunt, tear flesh, and eat. The scarlet face I saw in my bed at the end of August 30, 2021 pokes at humanity's survival instinct in the face of predators and prey. I wonder if that vision at all told the story that humans have evolved and coagulated such that their only natural predators are other humans, or if that face was simply a vision of my present enemy. I don't know the mechanism involved so my hypotheses remain untested. I'm sure some military and government folk know the answer since it's related to combat.
I drank some sweet tea last night, and Breezy got up and gave me a funny look before turning back to lie down again. Then, after about thirty minutes, he got up and lay himself down right next to where I kept my medicine as he did back in late 2020 and early 2021 when I was alternating my amphetamine usage to make rapid progress in game development. I know caffeine still upsets my amphetamine addiction and will continue to do so for over nine months. It's enough to bring me to absolutely uncontrollable tears.
I can still occasionally stockpile adrenal resources even after quitting amphetamine if I think enough about my disastrous situation and the impending disasters ahead. It's easier with heavy metal music and provocative film like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. I can tell because I get a fast approaching hunger followed by necessity of air inhalation a few hours later. The adrenal system uses compressed air to enhance my muscular output, and it has more direct connections through my neural network to enhance my reaction time. That's further evidenced by my heavy breathing after dodging the bus and car collision in midtown on my way to work. Another indication is the adrenal system's replacement of my PCP2 system when I was inhibiting it on August 30, 2019. It takes a few hours to build the entire system.
5:56 p.m. - I applied to Warner Media.
11:09 p.m. - For my website, I made a curated list of my favorite story driven media: novels, TV shows, movies, and video games.
12:00 a.m. - My head still hurts. It hurt when I woke up and all day including when I went to check for my mailed food stamps EBT card which hasn't shown up yet.
Regarding the MySQLi error finally fixed in my resume after all these years, it is more difficult to find flaws in your own work than in the outside world. I'm not sure of the microcosmic biological reason behind that, but macroscopically my internal sense of pride for my work overshadows the need and desire to find flaws in it.
1:06 a.m. - I can still feel the familiar grace of numbness enveloping my lips as I drink more pitch black Luzianne sweet tea to stay up all night and grab some free breakfast muffins and granola bars from downstairs. Quitting amphetamine has shifted my musical preferences to some older tastes I wasn't ringing up while on amphetamine like What Lies Beneath by Breaking Benjamin, a song I played frequently while playing Midnight Club 3: Dub Edition Remix at 6:30 a.m. before heading to my eighth grade bus stop.
I've got eight slices of pepperjack cheese and sweet tea left to consume. Oh, and I have two cans of Pam mixed oils spray, but it's hard to count that as food when the amount of calories in a serving rounds to zero. Still it has over two hundred servings meaning there are between one hundred and five hundred calories in that can.
2:22 a.m. - I can barely find any mention of the word "cell" when searching the lyrics in my music folder. Angel of Death by Slayer and When All Light Dies by Trivium have the most mention of the integral building block of life: the cell. I got fourteen matches of the word "cell" across exactly 1806 songs for which most of them I have the lyrics in a text file. It's one of the reasons listening to music doesn't make me feel like I'm appreciating the beauty of life. The rapid abstract concepts presented in music are the intention given songs typically last about three minutes. It's harder to appreciate a story told in three minutes. Songs are like everyday conversation about the weather and such. Still, the cells of the human body and the dog body allow this interpretation to take place, and they are so hard to find mention. Blood cells, TAAR-1 cells, white blood cells, norepinephrine transporter neuron cells, bone marrow cells, and muscle cells all communicate in a cell network to allow the human prefrontal cortex to interpret them.
February 5, 2022: 3:27 p.m. - I forgot I have like .2 Monero I got for writing two sonnets. I'm trying to recover it in my Monero wallet, but it's not there. I'm trying restoring the wallet info back to my wallet seed save date of 8/2/2017. I can't get it to show up so whatever. I expect cryptocurrency to be banned within five years anyway. Cryptocurrency will destroy the global economy just like the stock market a hundred years ago. Faith needs to be put into the central government currency to maintain economic stability. If everyone and every store like Trader Joe's has their own currency only accepted at that specific stores like Trader Joe's then I would have to trade Joseph Currency and pay fees to convert my Joseph Currency currency to Trader Joe's TraderJ currency if they even let me convert it by some arbitrary store policy.
To solve the drug overdose and violence crisis caused by the likes of classic drugs like alcohol and tobacco, opioids, benzodiazepines, dangerous stimulants like meth and cocaine, and new synthetic cannabinoids, I think it is prudent to offer safer drugs for the masses to enjoy themselves. I think marijuana is the best and safest alternative to clean up the damage done to society by all these other drugs. It's not addictive and is very calming. With better dosing and effects information from government and corporate research, people freaking out from eating way too many homemade brownies would also be a thing of the past.
Personally, I'd like to see DMT and 3-MeO-PCP made available because of my great track record with them. There definitely needs to be more research done on 3-MeO-PCP because of its novelty, although I had a very easy time with it over about 3.5 years. 3-MeO-PCP could be a great replacement for alcohol with less addictive effects and basically no side effects from quitting aside from an itch. Also 3-MeO-PCP pairs very well with amphetamine for academics and artistic endeavors. The only problem is that 3-MeO-PCP could be more thoroughly abused by sadistic folk and would probably need to be prescribed for performance enhancing reasons by a doctor who can judge someone's character. Selling it in the grocery store sounds like a bad idea for people who have poor self control even though the nature of the drug stimulates better self control. For instance, 3-MeO-PCP could be a detriment to those who have psychiatric issues like I had after ten years off amphetamine and again after fucking those pretty strippers. It might cover up those psychiatric issues while they get worse.
Personally, I think non addictive psychedelics, the more pleasant dissociatives, MDMA, and marijuana should be made available to the public. There should be a class taken and government issued license to purchase drugs like there are with guns. The drug license could come from a government licensed doctor and they could be issued in classes like the driver's licenses. The most unstable people could be issued a drug license only allowing purchase of marijuana while the old methods of intoxication could require no class. Small amounts of desperate folk who cannot get a license or desire other intoxicating substances could still use the clandestine acquisition methods like moonshining. I made a prototype of licensing based on the difficulty of maintaining cognizance, personal safety, and societal safety. Given the huge societal fuckups caused by alcohol, it should be licensed, but I don't think that will fly with most of the people in America. Keeping marijuana basically unregulated is a great way to reduce the damage caused by alcohol and tobacco without recreating the problems of the eighteenth and twenty-first constitutional amendments furnishing the 1917-1933 war on alcohol, and the current drug war.
List 1. No license: Marijuana, Alcohol, Tobacco, Caffeine, Nitrous Oxide
Class C: Amphetamine sulphate
Class B: LSA, 2C-B, DMT, MDMA, 5-MeO-MiPT, 4-HO-MiPT, and other easy going psychedelics
Class A: LSD, Mushrooms, 5-MeO-DMT, Mescaline, DOM, 2C-E, 3-MeO-PCP, 2-FMA
Class S: Salvia Divinorum, Ketamine, MXE, MDA, 25E-NBOH
It's not perfect, but the current system of alcohol and tobacco with under the table nitrous oxide is not really working out for individuals nor for society, and my system is an improvement over that one. The only real legal alternative that doesn't cause long term damage is the rather obscure nitrous oxide. Without readily accessible alternatives, self destructive people will continue to use alcohol and tobacco, causing liver and lung damage, obesity, sadism, cancer, overconfident and blacked out drunk driving, down syndrome and fetal alcohol syndrome, and of course my disorder ADHD, even though this document is the only case study I see on the entirety of planet Earth).
10:51 p.m. - My head didn't noticeably hurt like yesterday although it aches very slightly. I have a more severe itch on my nape and the vein along my right forearm. I expect that pain in my head to return tomorrow or very soon, but that's fine as I learned to deal with pain long ago as a child. My disequilibrium of mind is more worrying since my body tends to cover up its shortcomings as best it can through things like my mutated PCP2 and NMDA neurons.
2:48 a.m. - I drank some more sweet tea about forty-five minutes ago, and now the two big veins in both my calf muscles itch like crazy. So do my shoulders and behind my ears. In addition to the acute addiction effects garnered by drinking my Luzianne sweet tea, it looks like my sweet tea addiction can enhance my amphetamine addiction too. It probably has something to do with similar mechanisms for caffeine addiction in the nucleus accumbens causing increased firing of nearby neurons for amphetamine addiction in the neural network. I don't think all addictive drugs will set off my amphetamine addiction like caffeine from sweet tea. Coming down from sweet tea will greatly enhance the pain in my head from amphetamine. It definitely hit me hardest when I drank preworkout and had those jackhammer sensations in the middle of my workout back in February 2018. Aya, my right hand and nostril just itched. I might cut down my usage of sweet tea to two big glasses per day and abscond without topping off with a smaller glass.
I have a great protocol for coronavirus. If possible, I only leave my residence once per day. For prevention, I wear a mask every time I leave my door and only lower my mask to hack up phlegm and spit it into the grass and street outside. Once I get back, I wash my hands and boil my mask in soap water and hang it back up on my door so I don't forget it. I shove two loop denser towels to block the crack under my door and prevent exterior entry of microbes. I then wash my hands again and smoke a bit of medicinal weed. If I had to leave my house multiple times that day, I make sure to change clothes and spray aerosol cleaner around doorknobs and into the air. If this is my first and only time coming back to my house, I then take a shower, making sure to blow and flush my nose and ears with water. I then brush my teeth, floss, and use mouthwash. For rapid relief, I have my marijuana kief mixture and a small reserve of a few mg of DMT for when I actually get sick. I'm thoroughly impressed with DMT's ability to enhance the immune system's reaction to COVID-19. I wonder what other medical uses it has that haven't been studied. Given I felt like laser beams were shooting from my eyes after not using it for a while, I wonder if it has STD or cancer fighting properties. It was definitely my body ejecting something it didn't want.
February 6, 2022: 1:17 p.m. - Since I woke up to shit on the floor despite taking Breezy for a go before sleep, Breezy is back on his diet of 2.5 to less than 4 cups of food for a few days. That's about 62.5% to less than 100% food since I give him just over four cups of food.
2:44 p.m. - Seeing all the gun violence on TV, there needs to be enhanced security around gun sales in the United States. Because of the American Revolution, American Civil War, and the second amendment, I don't think powerful weapons like shotguns and AR-15 rifles should be banned, but there should be very restrictive measures in place to acquire them. The police also don't need to have budget cuts to their salaries or numbers. Given the level of risk and positive, aware character required for the job of law enforcement, police officers should make more than the national median salary of like $50,000. I think they should make at least 25% more than the median salary. What does need to be reduced in the police budget is the advanced weaponry and militarization that occurs with things like a massive armory of assault rifles and SWAT tanks. That's the point of the national guard which is currently very underemployed but fully funded.
From my experience with peers not adhering to the training session lessons at Verizon Connect and seeing the news about supremacist teachings in police training sessions, there are also too many pointless training sessions trying and failing to moralize the population. Those training sessions need to be reevaluated, but it's more of a failing of the working audience than the presenters. I think funding could be trimmed from such things, but I could be wrong as I don't do the budgets for the police and Verizon Connect.
Bureaucratic waste needs to be eliminated by consolidating government, corporate, and charity organizations without reducing the benefits provided by assembly line style division of labor. For example, insurance companies are a massive waste in the economy. The cost of repair and compensation for accidents must still be paid by some entity, so temporarily offloading the cost to a shell insurance company wastes time and money transferring that money around to meaningless salaried employees that should be put to work elsewhere. If an accident occurs, the customer still must foot the bill by paying increased "premiums" of what should be called a recurrent cost.
8:08 p.m. - After drinking Luzianne sweet tea and doing a set of thirty bicep curls, I looked in the mirror and saw a nigh meter wide solid green square shimmering and covering my left torso. It evenly shriveled from the top left corner to mark a half moon with a sharp bottom right corner on my left pectoral muscle and smoothly disappeared in less than a half second. I did a set of twenty-one military presses but didn't get the same reaction. The exhilaration of the workout combined with the onset of the sweet tea caused that. Now I am bleeding less captivating lines of NMDA rebirth with the occasional captivating blue lattice.
10:26 p.m. - I applied to 2K, Frictional Games, Obsidian, Infinity Ward, and Capcom.
February 7, 2022: 11:18 a.m. - I woke up this morning to lots of red slashes over my vision. It's a lot more intense than yesterday. It's been thirteen days since I quit amphetamine. It's still not even been one out of nine months.
12:57 p.m. - I drank some sweet tea about an hour ago. Listening to Not of This God by Slayer, I remember my time on 4-HO-MET where I felt fucking amazing saying, "cause I'm the fuckin' weapon" with an awesome grin. It wasn't long before I began to become consumed by the addictive qualities which nobody else has public written down. I was dancing my ass off but I knew after using it the second time there was something I didn't like about it. Maybe I don't have acutely disastrous effects from NET inhibitors antagonizing my ADHD, but I couldn't possibly know without something more selective which is impossible for me to find. Other people appear to tolerate it much better than me. It definitely filled me with hatred for the outside world and burned my insides all over. I could not enjoy Call of Duty or anything else at all. It felt like it was forging some sense of sadistic hatred for the outside world in me. If the pharmacological profile I read is accurate, it apparently also hits TAAR-1. That probably has more to do with my hatred for the outside world, but my analysis isn't very good since I can't touch DRI and NRI drugs. Sadism and hatred are different things, so perhaps sadism is forged by some combination in the neural network of TAAR-1 agonism and NET antagonism, or perhaps they are separately forged by these two mechanisms. Based on my experiences with 4-HO-MET and my logged increasing pain from methylphenidate, I conclude I suffer acute destruction from DRI drugs due to my ADHD. My results with acute NET inhibition are inconclusive but still disastrous after a short while.
4-HO-MET helped me with COVID-19 but not even close to DMT. It also helped heal my back a ton more than DMT from when I screwed my back up with a slippery row while starting my amphetamine regimen back on October 15, 2019. I could feel healing spheres bubbling up my spine. It was miraculous. I wonder how that works. I definitely don't think that 4-HO-MET is fully profiled. It certainly won't work for me anymore; I refuse to touch the substance again. In any case, I should search for higher quality workout gloves.
1:26 p.m. - My right temple jolts pangs of pain down it. I swear I can see entrancing black lines crawling around the white characters in my list of music on my grey Windows Explorer window. My mood is tending toward the negative but rapidly switching back to positive as I elucidate a smile both in my mind's eye and over my lips. Because of that, I'd say it might be serotonin related, but it doesn't look like anything I've witnessed there aside from 25I-NBOMe, but it doesn't even look like that since 25I-NBOMe had big and smooth distortions of the color black. I'm convinced that is some mechanism I saw before when I was on the government and gang mandated "hunger strike". It looks unique to anything I've seen outside this "hunger strike" and recovery.
The myriad of black trails mingling with the white letters on the dark grey surface reminds me of the visual phenomena and lyrics from Blackwater Park by Opeth but like a smaller trail of ants crawling around the letters as described in the lyrics of The Wilde Flowers by Opeth. It also reminds me of the imagery adorning the art for the single Vengeance by Woe, Is Me and the album art for We Will All Evolve by Our Last Night. "Music is my life" were the words of the war veteran Bubba from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. Since I gave these neurons up during the hunger strike, this is probably an older and more vestigial mechanism made for scrawling on a rock wall. Of course, unlike an appendix, these neurons are probably still necessary for proper human functioning, but less is needed to accomplish the task of hunting prey. However, if this is true, this could be developed and used to mark the location of prey after starvation and a subsequently successful hunt. Thirteen days seems like an abnormally long time to accomplish this, but early humans were less of deserted nomads and more of river hermits, and humans live very long.
I don't know what mechanism is responsible for interpreting close up black and grey objects, but I know I have strange visual phenomena in the distance in the dark distance. It is amplified by sweet tea. I believe they're both ADHD mutations since if it was a property of amphetamine I would read about it somewhere in the world of prose.
1:28 p.m. - Now I feel a hollowness in my right temple as if I'm missing a chunk of flesh.
1:30 p.m. - The jolting pain is now in my left and right temple. I suppose my neurons are freaking out since I don't have any more amphetamine for us.
2:58 p.m. - The black smudges and insect like things popping in and out around the white letters on the grey background are persisting still but are not as strong as before. My hypothesis is that this is some muscarinic or histamine mechanism. "MU SicK is my life." "Good night." My nose itches and so do my ankles. The itches are coming all over. I know itches are controlled by the H1 histamine receptor.
5:24 p.m. - I applied to RetailMeNot.
9:12 p.m. - Looking back, my analysis of the strange black smudges based on my thirteen days of abstinence from amphetamine doesn't make much sense since I should have been working on rejuvenating such neurons since January 4 when I ended the "hunger strike". Perhaps rather than rejuvenation, this is the return of the my efforts to the abyss with my castaway of my remedy, amphetamine. I don't think so. I like to think I'm still reforging that part of myself even as my neurons scream and stumble from the lack of the only thing they know to help them.
1:11 a.m. - I'm abstinent now; since I have this unknown STD, I can't have sex with another woman unless I'm going to marry her. Before I get married, we have to have an STD test and a couple of dates. So my plan with the feminine love of my life is a few weeks of dating with intensely loving and information conversation, current and mutually shared STD test results, a private proclamation of marriage proposal, and a public marriage ceremony followed by sex. This could all happen very quickly in a month. Despite a high divorce rate with such rapid marriages, I think my optimism, kindness, malleability, and mutual standards for women will easily give me the information I need to know I want to be with a particular pretty woman for the rest of my life. I was conceived in a motel by my mom and dad, but if I have one child, I'd like to settle in a house first. As evidenced by my alcohol and tobacco driven ADHD birth defects, epigenetic factors affect a child most while it's still in the mother's womb, so having a good house is pertinent for excellent fetal development. You have to nurture that nature.
2:15 a.m. - Thankfully, my headaches stopped after the morning. I only have a mild ache barely noticeable by my strongly positive attitude. Watching TV keeps my mind off it. I jerked off while the black smudges were present, and unfortunately, I was overall too numb to feel physical pleasure in my dick although I could feel the chemical pleasure in my head. About four hours later, I could actually feel the pleasure in my dick from jacking off.
February 8, 2022: 5:42 p.m. - My head hurts again in the front right side about an inch above my right eyebrow. I wonder what all these mechanisms are that are being battered by my necessity for amphetamine. Perhaps this pain is why they prescribe pure dextroamphetamine to lazy folk. If anyone does get hurt by levoamphetamine, they certainly don't get hurt as much as me, and as said by The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the damn kitchen." This "DA kitchen" clearly isn't fostering morality as I've noted through my experiences with those who are prescribed Vyvanse at GA Tech. The whole situation feels so artificially evil I can't help but think of the scene from the movie Big Daddy where the kid asks the character of Adam Sandler, "Are you shittin' me?"
In regards to my exposÃ©s, I think morally blowing the whistle is appropriate. However, stealing government and corporate documents as a whistleblower like Edward Snowden is always a bad idea. Breaking the moral law by stealing is wrong if there is another way to morally accomplish the communal goal of mutual goodwill. Hitler's position as dictator of Germany needed to be stolen for the common welfare as there was no other way to counter his warmongering against the German and European people. Stealing written secrets from the government and spreading this was a bad idea on Snowden's part. He should have just told people in his own words. Anonymity through the internet would have been a great way to achieve this, and if that didn't gain any ground, he could have tried talking to his superiors which could have brought the information to the public's eye through his congratulations or punishment.
7:02 p.m. - Playing Captain Scarlett and Her Pirate's Booty in Borderlands 2, Herbertt the hermit spies on Scarlett in a series of tapes you must collect to give to Scarlett in a show of Herbertt's dedication and "care". One of them is just Scarlett breathing in her sleep. I wonder how closely I'm being monitored here at ESA and in the past. I wonder if anyone really hid a microphone or even a video camera in my past dwellings. I'm so creeped out by the this whole stalking thing. I assume Captain Scarlett's shattered compass is some joke about the sun spots thing I described while her red hair is probably some vestigial sex joke about the crimson square I saw quickly flow down my wall and the bloody scarlet face traced with rainbow I saw on my bed when I was playing loud music and the cops came.
I don't get all the media jokes that can be probably be revealed by sawing into one's one body with meth and subsequently and carefully adding other drugs like heroin, PCP, or LSD on top of that to exploit those synapses meant to be hidden. Various media tell me heroin can be used to exploit the blue air wires, PCP can be used to exploit the sun spots, and something else like Xanax can be used to summon the red wall. Given my natural experience, I suspect some violence trigger is also necessary to summon the red faced floor painting. Or maybe there's another substance that can force such a reaction. There's probably a complicated order of operations like in mathematics to achieve the desired effect given one substance can saturate a certain set of receptors to protect them from destruction while another substance can then focus on a different set of receptors.
Given the fatal danger and permanent cell destruction involved in rediscovering those lost secrets, I can't personally confirm any of that nor will I. I'd like someone who has been told by word of mouth to also explain that stuff to me now that I've uncovered it. However, I doubt anybody will tell me whether they're in the military or a strip club. Everyone is very tight lipped about stuff like that. I also still don't understand how I made that stripper girl's pussy tighter and what repercussions might follow from continuity. Based on the media I've consumed, I'm lead to believe it has something to do with some property of NMDA antagonism and could cause some sort of physical addiction to sex with a particular woman. In time, someone will spill the beans about how this so called "TiVo" and friends work.
8:04 p.m. - Drinking more sweet tea amplified my headache above my right eyebrow. Perhaps the amphetamine addiction effects amplified by sweet tea take place a few weeks after cessation. It's a long nine month climb up, and I've known nausea to also come into play, but I haven't seen that come back to haunt me yet.
9:53 p.m. - My head still hurts a ton in the same spot. I don't think I'll ever feel pain like that jackhammer I felt back in February 2018. I can't believe people are quitting Spotify over Joe Rogan's comments using the word "nigger". The American first amendment for the rights of individuals to say whatever they want in a private forum should be embraced even by those people who dislike those words. I don't respect racism, but I respect the individuals who spout it. I don't respect Neo Nazism, but I respect the people with those opinions. They should not be mistreated based on their beliefs. I think they should have respectful beliefs espoused to them in counter to their dangerous beliefs. The same thing goes for criminals imprisoned for violence. If prisoners' isolation is necessary, they should still be treated with the same respect you would expect in normal society, and they must be given tools like informative books and positive media to remediate and improve their life. Destructive beliefs are not a justification for retaliative violence by words or actions. Violent actions are still sustainably sound justifications for retaliative violence by words, and if necessary, actions.
12:42 a.m. - I drank some more sweet tea at about 11:30 p.m., and while red slashes appear I also got some waves of nausea that are now starting to subside. I think the caffeine induced nausea will soon kick in for about nine more months. "Good nine!" It hurts a lot behind my right eye.
February 9, 2022: 2:16 p.m. - I'm drinking more sweet tea right now. It's been five minutes, and I feel fine unlike yesterday, but I'll keep monitoring my situation. I expect alternating pleasure and pain in conjunction with my lasting amphetamine addiction.
3:29 p.m. - The sweet tea didn't hurt me today. I don't really feel any noticeable pain beyond a dull, faded, hollowed ache in my center forehead. It's harder to focus and my vision is blurring in addition to fragmenting into normally oriented lattices and red slashes rotated pi/4 radians and spread 1 cm apart all across my vision. The most opaque lattices are about 15 cm in diameter.
6:45 p.m. - I'm watching Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties, and it reaffirms my decision to never fly on a plane, especially with my dog who could be mistreated, left behind, or killed by suffocation. That whole MH17 plane that was shot down over Ukraine as well as all the other planes that have gone down with no backup plan other than a lifeboat make flying a bad idea. I'll stay here in the U.S.A. which has everything I will ever need and is better than any other country out there. Why visit somewhere else when everything I want is in my room at home? I've been eating Hormel lasagna every day with bread substituted for pasta strips.
8:24 p.m. - Today has been a nice day for Luzianne sweet tea. I've had two glasses in my fancy Georgia Tech decor cup already.
4:14 a.m. - I just ate some Ramen and eggs. It's taken a while for me to stomach it again after eating it nigh every meal back in November 2018 to January 2019. Publix bread contains high fructose corn syrup, so I always buy cheaper and healthier Great Value sugar laden bread from Walmart. Weirdly, Publix also has more expensive prices for bulk items like extra large eggs and pizza rolls.
Not long ago, the scanning machine was supposed to take away $1.87 from my order when I owed $1.49, giving me a $.38 refund. But instead it then claimed I owed $.45 cents, a $.83 discrepancy. There are usually people strangely looking around but not buying anything, and there are also people who stand near the front of the store like out of place guards. Lots of people sit outside the Publix and stare around, sometimes while eating food. One time, there was some girl in sunglasses and a weird hat who intentionally stood in my way on my way out, and I had to say, "Excuse me." I think there are lots of strange vigilante and undercover operations there to try to screw with people or lure them into some sort of trap like theft, underage sex, so called "wellness checks" probably alluded to by that out of place guy Mark Tommy here at the ESA motel. There are all kinds of out of place people here whom I've noted before like the fake homeless people. I'm still just trying to get away from all these mofos impeding me just like I was eighteen months ago when I planned to imminently get out to the west coast.
I just drank some more sweet tea. I have to call about SNAP because it's been two weeks, and I haven't gotten my food stamps. I suspect the people who work there are also screwing with me. I doubt the mailmen and ESA folk would impede the mail since it's a federal crime. I assume nobody sent me the food stamps. The American work system needs an overhaul. I am a paradigm victim of the sadistic wealthy coordinating the downfall of the poor. The only reason I haven't completely abandoned this society and made an example of the rich folk is because I know my future worth to myself. However, I also know my future medical value to those rich folk, so this charade will not be allowed to continue for much longer.
I can't believe I can't find any reference of slow motion in most descriptions of adrenaline. It's really been mystified. Like many other things, I suppose military folk know all about it but refuse to diffuse life saving knowledge like that to anyone else. It's not in many songs either. It is in To Hell and Back by blessthefall. Their Witness album was brilliant, but everything else by them is hard for me to stomach. I referenced it on my website, but since I was unable to find it here by text searching, I've copied my great introduction here minus the great inline links on https://josephcantrell.org. It is by no means perfect, but as I have iterated these words for 4.5 years, it is my best tool for improving my writing skills of proofreading and editing.
In the beginning, there was an obfuscated Half Life 2 reference demanding, "Pick up that can."
'Sup world! I'm Joseph Richard Cantrell, a currently calculated 26.22384361 year old straight white male computer scientist with a passion for lighting the torch of mutual prosperity. I am merely an extraordinary man and nothing more. With jokes aside, I will speak more on that later, but beginning November 21, 1995, I grew up on Emerson Avenue in the old land of the free and the new world of the brave, the United States of America. Meta4's this way and meta4's that way; I'm also the United States of America, and the Golden Rule, the One rule to rule them all, is my Constitution. To get here, my grandmother, Paula Josefa Cantrell, emigrated from Germany to the U.S.A. during Adolf Hitler's bolstering of Nazi Germany in the 1930's, and after marrying my Korean War POW grandfather, Jake Richard Cantrell, she gave birth to my mother, Patricia Ann Cantrell. At age 5, I was prescribed Adderall, abandoned Christianity to be agnostic, and then at age 7 ironically pushed forward an exceptional Atheist during my first Christian summer camp for poor kids, Camp Joy. I only remember seeing my alleged father, Bonnell Coachman Love, less than ten times total, but my mother was always there for me despite my father's lack of support beyond child support payments. For eighteen years, I lived in Columbus with my mom Patricia Cantrell before moving to Atlanta, Georgia in 2014 to attend the Georgia Institute of Technology and begin anew.
I always craved entrepreneurship for the freedom it brings myself and society. However, massive amounts of investment capital did not exist in my household, so several months before attending college I forsook my Business Administration degree plans as a sunk cost and set my sights on a Computer Science degree. As a developer I have experience programming using a diverse set of technologies from electrical circuits and assembly to C, Java, and Python. I coded this website by teaching myself PHP, HTML, CSS, and JavaScript with the wealth of knowledge on the internet, and my server even identifies as Apache. I love playing video games and have learned to make my own games using the open source game engine Godot. Check them out at Itch.io, an independent game developer hub. I prefer cross platform generation tools like Godot and NativeScript because they greatly speed up throughput efficiency by consolidating programming assets to a singular entity. With my brain and a Bachelor of Science in Computer Science, I am a doctor with no Ph.D., and there is nothing beyond my mind! Everything is easy; piece by piece and step by step I can read, analyze, and apply any information.
Enumerated here is a quick rundown of some hobbies I've entertained. I have spent 84 days of my life playing Modern Warfare 2 and 50 days playing Borderlands 2 on Xbox 360. This equates to 6.8% of my time in high school mostly playing Search and Destroy in Modern Warfare 2. Metro Exodus and Modern Warfare are currently my favorite games, and I have moved to the Windows gaming platform since 2014 (PCM4$T3R4C34LYF3). I also enjoy games like Bioshock Infinite, Halo Reach, Red Dead Redemption 2, Amnesia: A Machine For Pigs, and Dark Souls. My favorite type of music is metal, and some of my favorite artists are Slayer, Soilwork, and Boosie BadAzz, though I'm also quite partial to the series Punk Goes... Animated television shows are my favorite because they are an inexpensive artistic medium attracting eccentric talent, and thus I rank The Boondocks and ChÃ¤oS;HEAd very highly. Although I moreso enjoy the longer plot development afforded by other storytelling mediums, some of my favorite movies are as follows: Live Free or Die Hard, Tropic Thunder, Scarface, Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2. Brave New World and The Stranger are some of my favorite novels, and although I quite enjoyed The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings was difficult for me to finish at times. To improve my writing skills, I write about notable life events in a journal wherein I have collected over 120,000 words detailing my adventures, good and bad, solo and grouped. To help entertain and educate the human race, I'd like it to be freely and posthumously published without redaction. As I am that is, I write more than I read now, and I'm inspired by longer tales like the Inheritance, Redwall, Warriors, and The Merlin Saga book series.
I like to cook my meals in a big crockpot with over ten spicy red peppers like the Carolina Reaper, Trinidad Moruga Scorpion, and Ghost Pepper to enhance flavor and nutrition. My favorite chocolate candy is Reeses, and to feed my inner sugar fiend, I once ate a luxury dessert of a baker's dozen original glazed Krispy Kreme donuts in one sitting. Although it seems like I eat a lot, I do not consume alcohol, tobacco, or even beer bratwurst. To expend all those essential calories and amino acids, I weightlift every few days and perform bench press, bent over rows, military press, barbell curls, deadlifts, light stability squats, and weighted pullups to build strength and stay healthy. Lately, my best deadlift is five repetitions of 405 pounds. In lifting all this weight and putting it back down, there's no obfuscation this perpetuates a positive feedback loop demanding I consume more food to lift more weight.
I like to program video games in my spare time, and I've been building my skills with Godot since February 2018. First, I was inspired to create unique games to quickly finish during five minutes of spare time. After creating a few including Prophet Launcher, my favorite, I've learned to make 3D games and begun weaving my own stories into these games. At age eleven, I once wrote 90,000 words (one third of my planned plot) of a novel called Krelzor's Quest, similar to Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Blue Rescue Team and Redwall but with my own unique talking creatures. I long ago abandoned and lost that project, but I've begun channeling that same writing energy from prose to the interactive, visual, and auditory video game experience.
There's also quite a long trail of things I can list that I don't like at all. I don't like most science fiction, superheroes, romance, sports, and musical theatre types of entertainment. This means I hate Star Wars, High School Musical, Star Trek, Georgia Tech college football, and Friends. In addition, find other distasteful artistries here: The Avengers, The Simpsons, and Fifty Shades of Grey. I do not like sadism, whether it is employed by individuals or groups, under the guise of Santa Clause, Corporation Inc, or the necessary and proper clause. I neither drink alcohol nor smoke tobacco, especially foul tasting poison like gin and vodka, and I most often prefer the solitary shade of my personal domicile to the illustrious city lights adorning the outdoors. In reference to the exterior world, I do not entertain the notion of Schrodinger's unobserved yet superimposed alive and dead cat just as I do not care that in the year 2000, an "invisible economic hand" felled an unbeknownst tree in the woods in the opposite hemisphere of Earth.
Although I do not pursue it, the origin of Earth and its surrounding universe interests me. The three spacial dimensions before you intertwine with time, elucidating timespace. When your velocity increases, time will tick more slowly for you. To explain this, consider outside light information travels from your eyes' cones to your prefrontal cortex for complex analysis via fast moving electron action potentials through wirelike structures in the body. When a speedier mechanism is utilized to carry this light information to the prefrontal cortex, this same outside spatial scene will be analyzed by the prefrontal cortex in less time (more slow motion) as the same spatial light information is pumped around the brain and moves normally outside in its own space. In mathematics, it is easy to imagine four spatial dimensions using linear algebra. Thus, time can be seen as an extension of space: a fourth dimension creating spacetime. In mathematics, it is also easy to imagine an infinite number of dimensions impacting our world beyond timespace such as the impact of gravity on timespace. Stephen Hawking conjectures this universe is an offshoot of a universe encapsulating more dimensions. Any "timespacial" dimensions perpendicular to these four "timespacial" dimensions would be imperceptible to us. I will ponder Hawking's analysis. It is easy to imagine this universe can be perpendicular in space to another universe; quantum entanglement indicates this universe is a self-containing system originating from a place where our perception of time does not exist at all. If two particles are entangled, a change in the state of one particle will instantaneously flip the state of the partner particle. This quantum exchange of information cannot be measured as the particle's state changes as one measures its properties. This correlation of particles shows there is one more time dimension governing this quantum leap: imaginary time.
Along each point in this fifth dimension, the characteristics of spacetime are predicted as points in a five dimensional (x-y-z-time-iTime) plane. Through an anomalous Big Bang, imaginary time wrought a single point in spacetime: our universe. This point in the newfound spacetime, a singularity analogous to a black hole, contained all the matter and energy in our known universe. Because the grandiose mass of a black hole gravitates light to absolute zero velocity and halts the flow of time, the Big Bang's initial scatter of mass created time. Indeed, black holes are anomalies in our universe, and the physics governing our universe apply neither there nor in the singularity. In a different and more likely hypothesis of the timespacial analysis of light in black holes, these photons would gravitate around the black hole's center of mass without changing their speed limit. After the Big Bang, stars collected and nuclear fusion supernovae spewed forth larger atoms such as carbon to coalesce into planets. Water molecules allowed autonomous machines called bacteria cells to collect and mutate into multicellular organisms such as fungi and humans. Indeed, the universe is expanding, and for every gravitating coalescence there matters an equal but opposite dissipation of time. The universe will collapse back into a spacetime singularity, yet ever increasing entropy ensures time forever flows forward as matter and energy also continue intermingling. As disorder and information about that disorder increases in the world as time and space move forward, traveling backwards in time would create a logical paradox because a point in timespace with less information cannot be achieved moving forward. The laws of physics shall once again break down in this new singularity, and a new universe will reign, but it shall not be our own. Aside conjecture, as at some base instance of rationality, there must exist one finite self contained system (a universe) which has always existed and will always persist without the need for creation as you cannot infinitely recurse creation. Mathematically, I elect to forego the sunk cost fallacy here in favor of limiting my introduction.
As I neurally wave farewell here, I remain an A.D.H.D. Atheist, and I'm delighted scientists are still researching to move humanity to its highest apexes of enlightenment. My norepinephrine (NE/NA), dopamine (DA), serotonin (5-HT), glutamate (GLU), and acetylcholine (ACh) neurotransmitter release rates decelerate over time due to a prenatal genetic alteration by alcohol and tobacco, but in return I've danced and conversed with processions of rainbow ghost women to keep me company through the occasional misty night. To counteract this, I eat prescription amphetamine every day, and effecting change in my body demands a trade of my supplies over months of time. Luckily, my unwavering GABA and light-speed adrenal systems always remain intact, so I am incapable of devolving to experience fear or retreat from inevitable danger. Neurons and other cells in parts of the body like the eyes, visual cortex, cerebral cortex, and prefrontal cortex work somewhat independently yet are holistically intertwined like a networked graph to create the reality I perceive. The website logo of josephcantrell.org in the top left is an image of my brain generated using an MRI machine at Georgia Tech, and it is encoded with the recognition of my motivations. Decode my obfuscated code in my home executive functions JS file, and refresh straight away for secret magnetic induction powers to blacken the hole of the Milky Way. 101010x3!
February 10, 2022: 3:24 p.m. - I can't get the food stamps worker on the phone. I suppose they might be busy since she said something about DEFAX, which was the organization I had to run from when they came to take me away from my mom when I was in elementary school. I was super worried I'd never have the love of my mother, I wouldn't get my ADHD medication, and would never get out of poverty if they took me away, so I took off into the creek and ran as far as I could. I came back a few hours later, and my mom said they were going to let me stay. I never planned to go with them no matter what they did or said on the matter.
As the days pass, I feel even more hopeless than my days on food stamps and temporary assistance for need families back with my mom during the days when her boyfriend Bruce couldn't find work or got mad and stayed with his family for days or months on end. They would ultimately reconcile. I remember one particularly long period during summer break in late middle school when I was watching movies and listening to music downstairs where I discovered tons of cool movies watching Cinemax while my mom was on her laptop. That was always the only computer we had until she got me one in spring of my ninth grade.
I despise my endless calculation of despair forged from the hands of the rich whimsical challenge of the corporate vanguard awaiting the inevitable, cyclical mutiny of the exploited, isolated, and exploited destitute. With every day, it grows easier to justify ending this ungodly way of life for anything more wherein I retain my final might in death. The danger in deferring of aid to another in society swings invisibly over the heads of the wealthy who find no distractions in securing their future. The betrayal of trust by society's monetary siege will inevitably lead some humans to evolve in a manner like my evolution in the prenatal betrayal of my mother's alcohol and tobacco fiasco: a solitary life waning human cooperation and waxing bastardized blitzkrieg.
4:35 p.m. - Drinking sweet tea is aggravating me again. A pain in my center forehead is rising to prominence.
7:07 p.m. - The red slashes have appeared again with more strength than I've seen since I woke up today. I suppose it is due to the timing of my medication which would have been ingested at 7 p.m. today.
7:20 p.m. - The red gashes are dwindling in intensity, but I can still see them forming along with mostly transparent lattices.
4:36 a.m. - I barely had any pain today. It was a great day to drink some Luzianne sweet tea.
February 11, 2022: 3:45 p.m. - I'm itching like crazy right now all over.
8:42 p.m. - As I've been forced to sit here contemplating my fate at the hands of the rich for nigh nineteen months now, the pharmaceutical industry has continued sadistically cranking out pharmaceutical methamphetamine as Desoxyn, dextroamphetamine as Vyvanse, and methylphenidate as Concerta for the rich people who request and can afford it. This perpetuates the cycle of the rich holding down and ignoring their poor brethren. I can't find any statistics on Desoxyn prescription, but I see reports online of people getting it. I also see plenty of problems in the U.S. with rich socialites destroying the lives of the people around them like the current catastrophes of John McAfee, Jeffrey Epstein, Ghislaine Maxwell, and royal Prince Andrew of the United Kingdom. Despite my pleas, there's nowhere to go in the bureaucracy because even if I write the Surgeon General and this "General" gives enough shits to actually do something about it with all the media continually stating the obvious medical facade shrouding ADHD, is this going to help me out of poverty given all the work I've done and feigned help I've pursued over the past 18.5 months? As I've sat here, the wealthy have continued to conspire against me for their own selfish medical pursuits including sadistic medication, Neo Nazi medical research on STD's and cancer, and thieved transplants and transfusions.
Even if I got my message to someone in the medical industry who actually could do something about it, who is going to pay for all the research that needs to be done on me and others to prove it's absolutely necessary to ban all those alleged medications? The people who love those "medications" will lie through their teeth until they're dead to maintain their sadistic lifestyle while the pharmaceutical with the real potential to change the American way of life for the better, racemic amphetamine AKA Evekeo, will go ignored, mystified, and demonized like in that terribly unscientific documentary from 2018, "Take Your Pills". It takes time to change that system, and I have a negative, overdrawn bank account balance.
10:46 p.m. - The foreign aid the United States gives to other countries like Israel and Ukraine is such stupid bullshit. Israel is a nuclear power, so it can defend itself. Ukraine should strategically invest its money its own defense and could possibly more easily create nuclear weapons given its locale proximity to Russia and historical proximity to the Soviet Union. The U.S.A. still gives "food stamps" in the form of foreign aid to countries all over the world while there are homeless, unemployed, underemployed, and underpaid citizens here. I'm sure the homeless would like some of that foreign aid to create new companies to hire them. The teachers would like a raise. The fast food McDonalds and retail KMart workers like my mom would like full time jobs instead of part time jobs, and they could use a raise too with the tax cuts generated from foreign aid. The students would like subsidized lower costs of higher education.
The U.S. never joined the League of Nations because strict military alliances were the primary cause of World War I after the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife Sophie of Austria-Hungary by the separatist Gavrilo Princip, an act which had no impact on most other nations. The appropriate action to take would have been to close the borders of Austria-Hungary to nations suspected of supporting terrorism like Serbia. All nationals suspected of terrorism or involvement with Serbia should have been deported or dealt with in education camps like modern day China and their Uighur folk. This would have been especially appropriate given the recent annexation of Bosnia, the homeland of the separatist. No friends of the enemies of Franz should have been allowed to enter Austria-Hungary.
The United States has no need to meddle in international stability when it has the most advanced nuclear weapons and the greatest military on the planet. Instead of wasting our time fighting wars to stabilize the Middle East, the actions of Donald Trump to close the borders to nations harboring and facilitating terrorists should be furthered. The U.S. has spent 2.3 trillion on the war in Afghanistan over twenty years, and per capita, that's (2.3*10^12) / (300*10^6) = $7,666 that could have been pocketed by Americans every year without accounting for inflation. The true number would be higher with inflation, so twenty years ago, that $7,666 would have been worth 7666*1.02^20 = $11,392 per person in the United States. This doesn't account for population changes since the population has actually grown to 330 million in these past twenty years. However, it's a great ballpark estimate of how much monetary waste the United States has seen on a yearly basis at the cost of every American taxpayer's production in their day to day jobs. This doesn't account for the time wasted, the lives wasted, and the lives forever mutilated in supporting this farcical notion of "foreign aid" or "regional stabilization".
Why should the United States citizens pay for the ineptitude of the Ukrainian government to increase education and military expenditures to sufficiently produce nuclear outputs? There is no good reason for the United States to play world police. While China and Russia continue to build bigger and better arsenals, the United States is instead spending its military budget on war to help smaller nations who have had splendid amounts of gifted atomic knowledge trickled over eighty years to develop their own nuclear defenses. The United States military budget is a defense budget, and it should remain that way. The United States should practice militaristic isolationism. It should completely stop giving handouts to other nations and also stop long term handouts to its own citizens and retain its pride in fair trade towards overall betterment of the world.
I still might vote for Donald Trump based on his excellent foreign policy. I think the avarice of the Republican party can be somewhat swayed by his somewhat independent stance in their midst. The avarice of the Democratic party is not to be understated as the more radical leftists demonstrate to take away the rights guaranteed by the first and second amendments. Unfortunately, there is no easy way out as the Republicans moreso justify other methods of fascist control like the drug war and abortion bans. The two party system is hard to beat as Americans are very polarized and loyal even though the early Constitutional pioneers warned against such polarized and loyal partisanship. With the advent of the Internet, I see the two party system shifting in the future as some other party like the Libertarians gain ground using mass communication to secure votes outside the safety of the two giant parties.
1:29 a.m. - I got my biggest payout yet of $37 from selling video games. Someone snagged my free giveaway of For My Aspect, Prophet Launcher, and Infernight and tipped me $42.42! $3 went to my tax verification for itch.io, but otherwise I only had to pay about $2 for store costs. That's a lot less than Steam and the like.
3:30 a.m. - I've updated my IndieDB.com profile and portfolio to increase my games' visibility. I can use that $37 on a Walmart gift card and circumvent PayPal fees which is great. I'm heading to Walmart at sunrise.
February 12, 2022: 3:24 p.m. - I keep waking up at about 3:05 p.m. which is when I would normally start kicking into gear from my amphetamine regimen. I suppose it's to be expected.
6:07 p.m. - I can still see red slashes over my screen as I type. I look to the wall and they appear there cast as textures drawn over my normal sights. The lattices are coming in too.
10:25 p.m. - I only have fifteen eggs, ten packs of Maruchan Ramen, and one bag of large grain sugar from Walmart to be combined with Luzianne sweet tea. I've got about seven cups of sugar left. I can make 3.5 gallons of sweet tea which is enough for about six days. I used to drink a gallon a day back when I was programming my website and learning PHP at Georgia Tech. To top off my lust for sweet tea after playing Borderlands 2 for an hour, I just had a glass of sweet tea about two thirds the size of my last cup an hour ago.
I'm disappointed the imperial system is still used by the United States. It suits the current state of lying affairs plaguing this country. Converting between teaspoons and cups is just as much of a pain as ever, but the progress on the issue has been as slow as the conversion between inches and miles. All new corporate and government labels must be in metric alone. It would upset chefs and roadsters for a brief month or two before life permanently shifted for faster measurements. Gradual change has proven quite ineffective unless a biological entity is being nurtured through change. Human concepts like laws, customs, and education policies should be changed through swift, decisive change.
Despite the measurement of the food by volume, there's no responsible indication of volume on my dog's bag of food. I've figured out it's about forty-five days worth of food within the forty pounds, but that's buried in the comments of the Amazon listing and remains officially undisclosed by the company. I think companies should be required to disclose the measurements used for their product. The only thing disclosed is the amount of calories and the weight, but different dog food brands have different densities with different makeups. I don't buy food made with corn since Breezy didn't tolerate it well at all. I have about two months of food for Breezy but only two days left for myself.
I see only a continuity of my pain over these past 18.5 months. Every time I talk to someone, there is no look of compassion. I occasionally get a feeble call from some job for which I've applied. Even though I am more qualified than most anyone currently working at these companies, I have received no faithful inquiries to trade. I am surrounded by a parasitical world of cultists that always defers responsibility for someone else to bear the cost of baring my life to this epitaph to be of over one hundred seventy-five thousand words. In continuity of this sadistic trend by evolution of existing and future members of humanity, I see the inevitable revolutionary self destruction of human society by increasing technological and numerical means delivered by solitary victims. Such biological revolutions are natural but need no be so violently assumed given the complexity of the human prefrontal cortex shining in the light of the technological communications and medical drug revolutions.
11:10 p.m. - I just removed another half gallon pot of Luzianne from the stove after steeping it for thirty minutes on low temperature. I look forward to my next glass of sweet tea in a few hours at about three or four a.m. With a light hunger, I await my next meal of two packs of Ramen with three eggs to be forged in an hour or two. Normally I would include six eggs in one meal, but I'm not lifting weights anymore nor do I have money to buy more protein at the moment.
12:44 a.m. - I'm starving for that Ramen and eggs, so the water's on the stove heating to a boil. I'll be drinking my next glass of sweat tea at 2 a.m. I'll be drinking it more frequently for the caloric intake. It'll also keep me amused while I waste time watching everyone else waste time, and as a bonus, my sweet tea will keep me intrepid in hatching the foretold plan under duress of starvation.
7:21 a.m. - For the love of god, I hope nobody plans to tell me, the fetal second hand smoker and second hand drinker, hiring companies are only using second hand sources of information to judge my competency and character. At some point I have to give up on these people ever treating me like more than an imaginary figment of their imaginary god or an ant hill on their lawn. I'm incredulous.
February 13, 2022: 4:05 p.m. - I woke up at about 4 p.m. today, defeating my ongoing trend of waking up just after three o'clock. I'm drinking a glass of sweet tea, and nausea is starting to press on my stomach.
9:44 p.m. - The Family Guy episode Mind Over Murder pokes fun at the issue of government grants for prescription Desoxyn methamphetamine with metaphors about Teething and bar building. I think the gay jokes are some kind of poke at meth and some other drug like heroin digging into and destroying certain neurons responsible for interpreting 3D visual phenomena and forging some sense of homosexuality by destroying some other mechanism meant to be locked away. I see lots of jokes about the 3D blue cholinergic line I saw drawn in midair. For people abusing drugs, I suppose that means turning them gay. According the media jokes, somehow combining PCP with the blue lines would create the multiple object splash effect and remove the homosexual consequences of performing such a destructive drug operation. This is still all speculation that I've gathered from watching lots of TV. I think the episode A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas pokes fun at the same thing. The colors painted in certain episodes of Family Guy appear to joke about the myriad of ways people can fuck, destroy, and change their body with meth. I'm sure that most transsexuals and some pedophiles have some sort of inclination derived from that behavior.
I only discovered this by seeing all these phenomena for myself recently after confusing them the last few years for aspects of my 3-MeO-PCP usage. I was using 3-MeO-PCP around all the times I was using amphetamine, so lots of times I used that drug I blamed problems on it. It's really shocking how much impact amphetamine has on my body. I'll need more of it before I lose my mind. Since I got that STD, I'm now suffering from even faster neural degeneration. I don't know how my age affects that degeneration metric, but I expect it to be proportional to my decline and inversely proportional to my wellbeing just like many other facets of people's lives. Coronavirus also appeared to have a big effect on my sanity. Because of my ADHD neurodegeneration, I suffer from negative consequences moreso than the typical person. Therefore, I try to stay positive. I don't know how long it will take for me to lose my mind as there are too many variables. There's only so much I can do to try to live in this broken world. I have no money, and I was born into a world where even the Earth's moon was already claimed by the rich. This is the end for me. Unless these terrible reality TV screenwriters have written some equally corrupt deus ex machina into my life, I am consigned to begin the modern poor folks' revolution.
1:08 a.m. - My upper back itches like crazy after drinking my third glass of sweet tea. My head also hurts a little. My crutch of sweet tea is now becoming more of a handicap and less of an wheelchair.
2:17 a.m. - I am beleaguered by evolving evil. I've balanced the scale of my checkbook to my left: the negative. There's no timeless space like the timespace I've left. I need to get across the country; my aspirations need a positive adjustment. I wrote the second part of that sentence first because I anticipated it to explain the first part. Keeping the explanatory directions of colons and semicolons sometimes is difficult.
4:23 p.m. - I've had my fourth glass of sweet tea just now today. I drank two in succession for a total of about a quart of Luzianne. Vaping a couple mg of DMT left over and watching the great tour scene from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 a short while ago made me hack up a ton of phlegm into my sink. That's further proof DMT helps with illnesses and should be further studied for its massively beneficial immune system effects.
Regarding writing paragraphs and sentences with conjunctions, they requires holistic binding capabilities beyond putting together a single sentence because it requires conjoining the meaning of two sentences. This also requires more working memory like the cache of a computer. People are a lot like computers. Human working memory is like the computer's central processing unit cache that holds ideas until the prefrontal cortex is reading to interpret them. Visual working memory is a lot like a graphics processing unit cache.
Prefrontal cortex norepinephrine is a lot like the transistors making small networks of "CPU gates" that use logic like AND, NAND, OR, and XOR by their transistor connections to each other. These connections transmit information from the working memory and combine them to make bigger ideas like combining by AND the ideas 1 rock and 0 cliffs to end up with 0, not having enough resources to make a trap to catch prey. The prefrontal cortex NE neurons could also combine from memory two concepts, "bear" and "wife", by XOR to recognize the wife is safe. This is more efficient than continually checking if both of them are represented by a firing neuron because with XOR only one neuron needs to be confirmed to be firing. It's a lot like discarding the second "y" clause of "if x and y:" in programming where the safety of the wife can be checked first, and if she is safe then danger like a bear does not need to be checked for relevance to her safety.
While this logic is running, another set of neurons simultaneously checks for danger like "bear" alone so that concern for a wife's safety need not factor into the network's final output in the prefrontal cortex. Concern for a family member's safety tends to increase the ease with with extra output like adrenaline neurons are allowed to flow through the network. Of course, personal safety is paramount and extra adrenal output can always be achieved with the same intensity. The answer garnered can be stored in working memory and used for another computation, and that answer can be also be saved in some layer of short or long term memory for use in much later computation. This model I described somewhat emulates a recurrent neural network where the answers for one computation are used for the next computation by the same neurons, so the network learns. If one has several dangerous encounters with bears and the Mrs., then more of an action potential may be generated by those neurons responsible for memories of that dangerous combination, or less of an action potential might be needed the next encounter. Since multiple synaptic axons oft lead to a single neuron's dendrites to excite an action potential, perhaps this specific bear and wife logic is overly simplistic and not realistically efficient in the grand scheme of a human's reaction to danger and safety, but it's a good example of how a person's mind works out responses to these things in the prefrontal cortex.
Prefrontal cortex dopamine also accomplishes this logical feat in a similar manner to norepinephrine but those neurons are connected to other types of neurons responsible for human motivation. Given neurons communicate by action potential electrical impulses, their only method of communication is like the computer's transistors which work by electrical gaps like human synapses. It's marvelous how I can't seem to reach anyone out there by blasting my own action potentials from norepinephrine based literary decisions to the muscles in my fingers typing this sentence into this keyboard. With all my neural prowess in the face of ADHD and overwhelming societal adversity, why does society reject me? I have so much to offer to the scientific biology community with my unique biochemistry, but it appears they merely want to parasitically force such things on me. Gracias, your ass is grass.
5:56 a.m. - My word count here is now 180,000 by using five characters per word. That's about as long as Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire which clocks in at 190,637 words and 734 pages. That includes spaces though, and I think without spaces and such it's about 155,000 words. With the giant physical size of the heavy Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire book, my 180,000 word count from Sublime Text, I have about 695 pages, and with the info I got from LibreOffice Writer, I have 598 pages. Though this book is not an impeccable work of fiction, I've written the novel I desired to write when I was a child and fulfilled my dream of becoming an author. It's an epic, timely treading motion above my inbound absolute zero.
February 14, 2022: 6:49 p.m. - The Breaking Out Is Hard to Do episode of Family Guy exposes the consequences of masquerading sadistic drugs with burning consequences like methylphenidate and methamphetamine as legitimate first line prescriptions for ADHD, my disorder, and by extension laziness, most other people's problem. The thievery and lies conjured by these drugs bleed dry a divisible society mired in greater and greater chunked numbers.
3:04 a.m. - My vision still breaks into lattices, red slashes appear, and I don't find much pleasure in looking into the eyes of characters on the screen whether they are my anime girl wallpapers or the girls talking on the news channels like Fox news. I wonder how long it will take to undo the damage done by those rich stalkers. I won't entertain them for much longer. I give up on the food stamps. It's nobody's business whether or not I get SNAP food stamps. I've been here 18.5 months, and I've been looking for a job for 17.5 of those. They refuse to snap their focus to hiring me so I can snap to work.
The intentions of the rich to bear witness to the baring of my life have been made clear, and I've documented their atrocities for the world to see such that the next corrupt, slow burn they induce will not be nearly as tolerated in neither the current members of society nor those to be born. I don't care if I need pay for such an exposition with my life. The media I consume even requested I write this and emit it on the radio. It would be my greatest triumph to finally free myself from the clutches of the rich. It feels harder to find respite already in the things I enjoyed while on amphetamine. I'm always left wondering how the withdrawal will turn out as I have no way of predicting my body's response other than knowing it will be negative despite my best intentions.
February 15, 2022: 5:02 p.m. - I don't accept career inquiries from consulting companies because I've gotten too much spam. I only accept responses from companies to which I've applied and large companies that query to hire me.
9:01 p.m. - Breezy freaked out and demanded to pee in the bathroom after I drank a bunch of Luzianne sweet tea. I just gave him a sip like when my old friend Raechel's father Brian and mother Tammy used to let their dogs lick from spills on the floor. It reminds me of when the Sawyers from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 gave their grandpa licks from the meth drenched clothes hanger. I dare not give my dog more because of the sugar, but I hope it makes him understand my love for sweet tea despite its addictive plight mingling with my amphetamine addiction.
2:37 a.m. - I just put a memory foam pillow to cushion my ass from the hard thing that's under the seat now after 3.5 years. My ass is getting the best hug ever. It's nowhere close to my most glorious sit after a super visual trip with slow motion on 25E-NBOH and 3-HO-PCE. That slow motion effect is different from adrenaline. It's still the result of my prefrontal cortex interpreting information more quickly than before. That slow motion effect relies on speeding up throughput in the human neural network by removing slow neural routes like NMDA and enhancing fast ones like 5-HT2A whereas the adrenal system has more direct routes since it is mostly focused around overcoming danger.
3:43 a.m. - It's absurdly paradoxical to kill to live, to live to die, and to die to live. I like that string I made thinking about the novel The Stranger by Albert Camus. Meursault, the protagonist, lives to die as all people do. Meursault eats killed food to live like everyone else, and in substantiating his bland life through the heavy impulses of the blazing Algerian beach elements, he kills an Algerian man on the beach. Later, as an atheist, he vehemently vilifies his own condemnation yet accepts he will die to live well in the end.
The situation reminds me of real life characters like the news stories of trigger happy policemen killing animals and people in moments of surprise. Normally a person will have neurons which present ideas and neurons which will inhibit bad ideas from latching motivation in the human brain. This reaction ultimately means these people are lacking the sufficient neural signals to resist human impulses to kill to live when they are faced with astonishment, the unknown, and other external environmental impulses. This neural mechanism that shoots down bad ideas can also be likened to general sadism in humans with drugs like methylphenidate which holds ideas in the brain by transforming the DA and NE transporters from conduits to gates.
I am also reminded of the excessive dopaminergic output provoked by dextroamphetamine (Vyvanse) and more obviously methamphetamine causes a state of disequilibrium in humans where any action taken including sadism can feel rewarding without some sort of neural moral bound counterbalanced by another drug like levoamphetamine. Unlike dextroamphetamine, somehow methamphetamine disables the body's ability to remove that excess dopamine production and provides even more reward for any performed action. I wish I knew more about these drugs because they are a conduit to learning about myself. I need to acquire second hand information about the DA and NE transporters because I am unable to interact with them myself. Unfortunately, many people are not interested in learning about themselves by using drugs and wish to remain silent to further their own self interest. Otherwise, how could Desoxyn and Concerta be legitimate prescriptions without some sort of brilliant case study demonstrating a mutated man or woman not able to function without them? I doubt I will have much luck extracting any information from the people who hold information about meth.
I've yet to see a single case study of my declining neural function troubles except right here. Where are the illustrious descriptions of rainbow women adorning another ADHD man's life for months on end after a temporary abstinence of amphetamine? I've yet to see them printed anywhere else, and if there was someone older than me, such brilliant uniqueness would be worthy of print. Following that people live to be in their eighties on average here in the United States and yet I'm only a twenty-six year old man holding these revelations, it leads me to believe I am the only one here with this declining ADHD IQ problem rather than the typical stagnant low IQ or laziness misdiagnosed as my disorder.
4:52 a.m. - I've given up hope of trading for any sort of long, sustainable life with the outside world. I have not given up trying, but soon I will for it is better to serve myself rather than perpetuate this sick, sadistic system for fifty to eighty years. Given rapid advances in technology and medicine, people can live longer than their life expectancy as they grow old, so my true life expectancy is probably over 90 rather than the United States average for men, 78 or so. Life expectancy has increased from 67 to 78 over the last fifty-two years to yield a 16% increase in life expectancy. Applying that to my life expectancy by calculation does in fact yield a 90 year life expectancy to confirm my hypothesis. Anyway, it should be slightly higher since there are more total people in the world to concoct new medicines and methods of extending lives of people with problems like dementia and famine. Despite that, I would never dream of unfolding the rest of my life to the palms of the oligarchy and middle class puppets playing casino cards of terror.
February 16, 2022: 4:13 p.m. - I wake to a pain in both my temples but especially the left. I also have lots of red slashes all over the place in my vision. The lattices also form in the center of my vision.
4:12 p.m. - I added a bunch of stuff to PsychonautWiki to help people with certain drugs. It's disappointing all that stuff about meth that I uncovered apparently is some sort of big secret. It reminds me of the "secret window" spoken about in the album The Hours That Remain by Mercenary. I knew there were secrets about drugs employed by the military, but I never imagined I would uncover all that stuff for which I'm still in the dark. I'm still curious about those mechanisms touched by my unbounded efflux of dopamine. It is a wicked art that appears to be exploited by many of the rich. Given the level of corruption by the rich folk in the United States, I'd like to see the Desoxyn prescription banned. It would take research into those people claiming to need it. This could be done with things like radioligand tracing to make sure they aren't lying since meth looks to be very conducive for liars to abuse with NET mechanisms like cocaine. Because I don't know of anyone else with a declining neural function mediated by amphetamine and like drugs, I don't think removing prescription methamphetamine from the doctor's office would be a medical issue at all. Because I didn't experience any severe pain in the back of my head and the rest of my body like with methylphenidate, I don't think meth is a DRI like I see claimed over the internet. Though I know little about the dopamine and norepinephrine transporters, this is corroborated by the burning sensation with 4-HO-MET addiction (allegedly from the NET) and that one stint with meth.
February 17, 2022: 9:08 p.m. - I still see red slashes everywhere especially when I drink sweet tea. I saw blue and green circles appear in my vision along with similarly colored lines when I smoked a bunch of abv. I can see a face smiling at me from the top of my laptop screen as I look down at the bottom of Sublime Text to type this. My head hurts a little and I'm itchy. I drank a bit too much so my amphetamine addiction is kicking in harder.
12:57 a.m. - I'm unconcerned whether I revolt against my lifelong captors hiding their free slavery shrouded with the multitude of irrelevant, insipid fawns and festering, trickling handouts. I need only speak the age old crime of sharecropping to justify my condemnation of my peers. If I should continue be their captor behind bars, I will receive my medication or lose my sanity exactly as I have documented here in this journal. I will find comfort in the surety of my future and need not serve fealty to an unknown shadow organization. Here my unknown future sparks my paranoia and need for violence to secure my future.
2:01 a.m. - I don't understand anything about how paranoia works. I only know that it is somehow connected my disorder and can be triggered by rapid changes in the neurons affected by disorder. It doesn't seem to be a result of neural network disequilibrium but appears to have its own cause related to the stimulation of a survival mechanism for worry for one's own safety. I could be wrong.
2:54 a.m. - I'm so itchy all over after drinking more sweet tea. I'm going to eat some amphetamine tomorrow. I probably have about 10 mg stuck to three bag. In addition to that, I still have one last little snowball of amphetamine I've been saving as a grenade left under my table. I'll know when to eat it for one last little laugh. It's bound to upset my addiction and my efforts to rectify my disorder. My neurons will cry after a sudden spike and immediate withdrawal of their remedy. This will make it very easy to utilize my adrenaline as I will already be under attack by myself.
We all have accidents, and my life may be one big accident by my mother's hand, but these times since her death are no accident. I condemn the people around me as unchanging, unyielding sadists equivalent to Neo Nazis. My German grandmother Paula told my mom to get an abortion to fix the accident of my life, and she refused. Here I am, an accidental life to be forever shoved under a desolate world of makeshift peasantry beyond my means to fix.
4:04 a.m. - I have more justified paranoia than ever. The people around me appear to be performing Neo Nazi experiments outlined as some prophecy seen in that show ChaoS;HEAd. I have less unjustified paranoia than most times. The unjustified paranoia is a result of rapid changes in my disorder. Perhaps not though. I was paranoid as hell in elementary school until I stopped using my medication in sixth grade. I don't understand it really. The justified paranoia appears to be a mental result of my ideation through norepinephrine. The unjustified paranoia through changes in my disorder and amphetamine addiction is something I can't explain.
Anyway, I'm still hoping I can get some sort of faithful attempt to trade with me before I give up just as that mysterious man Tommy said, "We're done with you." Is "We" the people who have been stalking me? Is it the government? Is he with the Bloods gang? Is it a combination in a master puppet relationship? Is it some Neo Nazi white supremacist group that hates mentally handicapped people just as Hitler would send them to the ovens to be massacred? Why am I kept in the dark about my disorder and blindly led in the pursuit of wealth only to be stalked and abandoned in a diseased concentration camp?
I applied to HTC, pony.ai. I'm more wary than ever of being strung along by fake interviewers simply mocking me to waste time in their office. It's hard to find new software engineering jobs on Indeed.com or anywhere else. I want to get out of this circle that has been built for me to wallow. I want to reach out to someone interested in helping me move my life forward instead of giving me that endless tour of a promise of a good night like in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. I request a good night.
6:03 a.m. - I just drank another half glass of sweet tea for the calories. I only have one slice of pepper jack cheese left. I like to scissor and repeat the biding midsection of that song Scissors by Slipknot. When I first started listening to it back in college, I was biding my time in determining if I needed to take my ADHD medication ever again or if my intellectual and emotional shortcomings were a matter of overcoming sadness and depression in my life. I spent a year after my mother died so confused and wondering if I was just experience depression from all the things wrong with my life combined with the culmination of the pain of my mother's death. It took a long time to be sure I had to use amphetamine to fix my problems like when I was a kid. Now, I'm biding my time to justify rescinding the declaration of slavery imposed on me over these past 17.5 months in my job search, 19 months with this unknown sexually transmitted disease (or multiple diseases), 4.5 years of radio silence since determining I have ADHD, and 20 years of silence since I was first diagnosed and prescribed amphetamine for ADHD.
I wish my mother was still here to support me. I could have logically explained all these neurological problems with norepinephrine release, dopamine release, and other mechanisms still unknown to me. She would have listened, tried to understand, succeeded in comprehending my issue as I did, and offered me her full support and the support of her friends. Now that I am alone, I could not even convince those people on Facebook who were her friends of anything. I deleted my Facebook account which I planned to use to communicate with old family and such because it appeared to be used to jeer at me. A nice bonus was not having to see all that fake news dribbling from the platform in its various sidebars and other distractions. I am now a discarded character of a fiendish society using me as a shadow puppet for financing false pharmaceuticals for the mere purpose of malice.
Given the United States has nuclear weapons, I reject the notion my mother and I were denied information about ADHD for veiling military secrets. The only thing that makes sense is that I am being used as a Neo Nazi medical experiment for STD, cancer, and transfusion research using my unique, mutated cells gifted by my mother's unfortunate use of alcohol and tobacco once while pregnant with me. The acts of sadism employed against me are just a bonus handed down to the people around me like the bonuses paid to the corporate capitalist drones. Even homeless folk addicted to drugs that feed on the misery of mankind can reap the benefits of such sadistic bonuses. I reject the notion that I am any sort of sadist and masochist; despite my various mistakes and flaws, I seek only mutual prosperity as I've repeatedly claimed and demonstrated over long periods of time.
6:47 a.m. - I'm biding my tea time until it's time to write more stuff on sweet tea. I'm also biding my time until it's the right time to sleep with sweet tea. I can feel my stomach panging as my amphetamine addiction crawls forward. Luckily, the pain of my compounding addictions isn't enough to make me cry like it was a while ago. It isn't just the compounding addictions. Somehow the caffeine directly provokes my amphetamine addiction, and I don't know how. I wonder how this tea driven amphetamine addiction will progress. I don't have enough data on my body's response over time other than knowing I will feel it for nine months like holding a caffeine baby. I still itch like crazy for amphetamine.
I can't wait to eat that little bit tomorrow even if it hurts me since it will be nowhere close to the fifty-four milligram dose I was eating. Such an low dose of amphetamine will undoubtedly be insulting to my neurons and thus to me. I'm also biding my time until I eat that little bit I saved. It's less than twenty milligrams total between the snowball and the little bit stuck to the three bags. If necessary, I'll eat another dose to ensure my predicted hunger driven actions are more easily justified. It's difficult for me to forsake my morals, but I must not relent in securing my happiness even in the face of complete adversity by a corrupted Earth. This land is still my land even if I was born on the property of another. I will eat at my own pace, and I will not be driven from the face of Earth by mere pestilent evolutions of apes. I will refute the seeds tossed down for my serfdom and chop down the cherry tree of these apes to reap the sweet fruits they claw from the thick branches upon which they perch.
February 18, 2022: 7:20 p.m. - I was wrong. I have 27 mg of amphetamine sitting at the bottom of one of those bags. I still have some stuck to three bags which I will consume tonight or tomorrow. I also have an eleven mg snowball which I will eat at an undetermined time.
7:34 p.m. - I capped that 27 mg in gelatin and drank it just now. Then I licked all three bags clean. Now I am biding my time until I eat that last snowball of 11 mg and lick the last little bag clean. I'm eating half a slice of pepperjack cheese and watching ChaoS;HEAd episode nine. I'm itchy as hell. My head hurts now on the right side, especially behind my right eye. My stomach is upset. This is going about as well as I expected. I'm holding off on sweet tea until 8:20 p.m.
7:47 p.m. - I'm a little short of breath and that's gaining. My facial skin feels like it's burning all around my lips and on my cheeks.
7:49 p.m. - Now I'm gasping for breath.
8:02 p.m. - I have an increasing pain in the top right side of my head. I brought this pain on myself. I will ignore it as always. I choose to live the rest of my life in gallantry.
8:11 p.m. - The pain has spread to my left brow but is more concentrated on my right brow. The pain behind my right eye is still there. This is omnipresent rather than jolting pain. I did a set of thirty bicep curls with a twenty-five pound weight, and I'm about to do military press. I need to maintain my gallantry and forge the future I wish despite my foregone support from the outside world. I've decided to delay my ingestion of sweet tea until later. I shall not set a specific time. When I feel ready to drink a big cup of sweet tea from my Georgia Tech Buzz cup, I shall.
8:16 p.m. - I feel my strength draining away. I feel that I, the very essence that I call me, is painfully slipping away to a callous yet gleeful numbness. My forged smile is fading and rejoicing. I am oscillating.
8:18 p.m. - Red slashes are coming in as the levoamphetamine fades and the dextroamphetamine continues to saturate its existence within my synapses. As my dopaminergic synapses are bridged, my NMDA system rejoices as it is allowed to replicate and breathe new life into me. I know this is only a temporary contract for which I shall have no continuity. I'm on the brink of tears, but my smile still holds them back. I am oscillating in the most lovely way which I have taught myself for myself and myself alone.
8:21 p.m. - I feel lightheaded, but also my body feels strangely weightless as well. My forearms feel like they're levitating in midair as I type this.
8:35 p.m. - I'm rather nauseous from oscillating withdrawal, and my coldness has turned to an unbearable heat as the dextroamphetamine continues to take hold. It will peak at about 9:00, and the levoamphetamine will mostly dissipate a few minutes before that. The ir2 equation in ChaoS;HEAd reminds me a lot of my MDA disaster back on January 4 and January 5 of 2021. It also reminds me of trading a full tenfold promise of fun with each individual yet connected member of an even bigger society with me. It's easy to make metaphors out of fun, int, ir2, and some numbers. I am trillions of real number, integer cells despite the two isomers of medication I just put into my sole self and the multitudes of people challenging me at every step without a promise of raising fun.
I'll raise myself to the trillionth power in the end. Yet, as my prefrontal cortex processes everything, once the black serpent comes to embrace me from a crazed world, I will end up the equation (i = 1^1,000,000,000,000). Raising one to the trillionth power still yields one, and without a prefrontal cortex, it is like I am processing everything as one with the universe: like an unborn child. I shall exit with a quiet, unseen dignity; I shall revert back the same way I approached just as I taught in my metaphorical tour of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. I still carry my own achievements adorning my cellular past and held in my cells of the present. My triumphs adorning me shall grace me in the end with even greater force than their beginning.
8:56 p.m. - I'm drinking my glass of sweet tea. It's weird because it's in a plastic cup, but my mom always called them that. This should amplify my oscillations. The heat is starting to disappear from my body, but I've complicated everything by drinking sweet tea.
9:00 p.m. - I need to tread carefully with this sweet tea. My head already hurts with a stabbing pain in the back like that time with the jackhammer pain. It's more localized like a pen's point being pressed into the back of my head rather than the feeling of a jackhammer slamming into it. My lips and especially my upper lip are numb. The rest of my body is growing numb as well. It's nice. It's like inhaling some nitrous oxide.
9:17 p.m. - I'm super nauseous and had to cough up a bunch of phlegm in the sink.
9:28 p.m. - I jerked it, but it wasn't super spectacular. My neurons are being jerked around as they are accelerating. I'm perceiving with concerning ambivalence.
9:56 p.m. - The delusive folk around me revoked my honest labor both within and outside myself. My heart aches to end my perception of these wretches destroying my life. George Orwell's Big Brother of "nineteen eighty-four" and 1949 is as wicked as ever. I'm an ore well in the eyes of some, including myself. But to others I am a delusive existence beyond salvation. The ignorance of those folk will be not only my but everyone else's downfall in these increasingly Orwellian times of electronic and radio communication.
10:10 p.m. - My smile feels artificial now. But after a minute, it now feels real again. I'm making lots of typing mistakes. This is fine and expected. The nausea from the sweet tea I drank over an hour ago is still present.
10:26 p.m. - White mouths traced with rainbows tear across my vision and change very rapidly. I just saw the rainbow shape of an approximately fifteen pointed star as big as my 17.3 inch laptop screen as I typed this. All the smiles and fanged dragon grins appear and transcend to another shape every half second or so. I see a smile with the eyes at the top of my laptop screen and the smile at the bottom frequently.
10:29 p.m. They rainbow smiles are fading. I'm mostly getting red slashes and lattices now. This all times appropriately with the roughly three hour duration of dextroamphetamine. It feels a lot harder to peer into the outside world. It feels like I'm straining myself trying to look at and recognize anything now.
10:35 p.m. - It's like this motel is the Borderlands 2 BNK3R defending control core Angel meant to hold me here while the STD eats away at me. My control core Angel, naturally mutated PCP2 inhibition, inhibits the STD as I've found out through my usage of 3-MeO-PCP. This is the mechanism the wealthy wish to research and exploit. It's not the only one though as I've NMDA, cholinergic, and various other mutated types of neurons. The robot Claptrap is some wicked metaphor for this sexual violence that has been spilled upon me. I'm now taking Claptrap to the chambers of the siren control core Angel. Perhaps this is a metaphor for some sort of heart problem I could get from the STD(s). Perhaps it is a metaphor for my declining mental function after fucking that stripper and getting the STD(s). Perhaps Angel is a metaphor for the stripper herself as I am a metaphor for Claptrap.
Depending on the interpretation, Pandora can be a metaphor for Earth or a metaphor for me while still retaining its mythological Greek roots as an object holding contents. Pandora as an Earth pairs with the metaphors of Claptrap as me and Angel as the stripper ESi. Pandora as me pairs well with Claptrap as a metaphor for the STD(s) and Angel as my naturally mutated PCP2 inhibition. It is easy to forge multiple metaphors out of the objects, the objects' names, and the action between them. That's the praise given to the ambiguous nature of poetry and other works of art.
12:05 a.m. - My right temple hurts. I suppose this is due to the sweet tea helping me restore the problems of my "hunger strike" is wearing off now. I mind feels relatively hollow and it feels like my right temple is oscillating between pressure and hollowness.
12:45 a.m. - Sweet tea glass number two feels better coming on so far. It still feels harder to peer into the outside world as my amphetamine withdrawal withdraws my neurons from each other. My vision is still pattered with shapeless rainbows unable to form much complexity. The rainbows trace the red slashes now. This proximity and coagulation means some PCP2 neurons and some proximal NMDA neurons are both being inhibited.
1:47 a.m. - I still await human society's fulfillment of the famous adage rewritten, "Give a man a fish, he feeds for a day. Teach a man to fish, he feeds for a lifetime." Evolution naturally taught me to fish from the Earth with more complex techniques than my ancestors, yet now I must use such techniques to subvert the humanoid apes who have claimed my observable universe as their territory. Evolution anticipated this, and thus there are mechanisms in the human body for reclamation of sovereignty over my future, in both life and death, on Earth.
2:33 a.m. - I just ate my first milk bone dog treat in a while. I'll need the protein to maintain my muscular structures and the neurons within. It's like "death eating a cracker" according to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. Meanwhile, all the wealth and knowledge I could use to help myself and by extension other people remains hoarded by the likes of the newfound people like Martin Shkreli and R. Kelly continuing the exploitative elitist archetypes cast by the dead Jeffrey Epstein and Michael Jackson.
5:03 a.m. - I ate my last quarter slice of cheese and drank some Luzianne sweet tea just now. Now my only source of essential nutrients are multivitamins without iron, sugar, sweet tea, and about ten Milk Bone dog treats. I need to continue to do intermittent light exercise to maintain my muscles and expend my fat. Soon I'm going to hop over the the store and grab some food. It won't take long since I'm just shopping for the essentials.
9:24 a.m. - The pain behind my right eye is here again. I'm about to sleep now.
February 19, 2022: 8:02 p.m. - I'm watching ChaoS;HEAd episode 11 now. They mention Norose Genichi as the entity behind my enslavement. Breaking this name down, the segments yield No Rose Gin Itchy. It's a crude metaphor for the government's involvement with the research of my disorder associated with no neural releases mingling among the sickly rosy STD viruses with which I have been led to be bequeathed. Gin is metaphor for corrupt government agents as it is used in the anime Case Closed. I suppose it refers to the dense, corrupting, nature of the liquor while also poking at the djinn which are oft considered quite knowledgeable. It's like my worst nightmare as a kid after watching that anime Case Closed. I never thought anyone would get this far in the modern age of mass radio and electronic communication. The Neo Nazi experiments' continuity despite the means to reverse them rationalizes my decision to condemn this world encompassing me.
8:47 p.m. - Watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 tour scene again, I'm reminded about the sexual metaphor. I think of myself as an iron butterfly that seeks a woman mate about my age or slightly older, twenty-four to thirty or so. To seek exploitation of children is to be a rubber man caterpillar. I think of my poor, ADHD childhood as wickedly manipulated to leave me in this destitute, sick, and beleaguered state. In some sense, I am a crawling motel caterpillar unable to evolve by the wicked iron butterflies that would rather see me remain a homeless chrysalis in a museum like that episode Dead Hobo from Case Closed.
In that tour, I'm also reminded of the malleability aspect of finding love in another. I'd hoped those strippers would have some lingering desire to change themselves and me for the better, and I hadn't given up hope until interacting with all the other folk around me who are determined to thrive on the misery of their fellow people. Changing someone for the better requires pleasant, persistent memorization in touring external concepts through internal neurons, thereby teaching a loved one pleasantry and distaste over time. It's a great touch that Mr. Bubba never touched Stretch, and nobody else ever touched her until her "new music", learned fear, had thoroughly incubated.
The people misusing the name of my disorder for sadistic prescriptions seek much the same seemingly endless fear and misery. In fact, even after death these governments and gangs' abuse of the human race will carry over into the next generation as those lessons are solidified in the epigenetic changes in their reproductive sperm and egg cells. The awful experiments done here have forever changed for the worse the course of my life. Anyone who manages to successfully read this material will also carry that weight into their own neurons, reproductive cells, and even to a lesser degree other connected cells like white blood cells. Eventually, the destructive actions of Neo Nazi groups of the world will not be tolerated and the truth of evolution will drown their blaze in the new flood of the Earth of God. Even if people destroy this planet through nuclear fusion chain reaction explosions, the ease with which simple one proton hydrogen atoms will bond with more complex oxygen atoms to once again create life similar to our present day. Unfortunately, such creations will still not escape the final survivable emission of photons from the sun. Life on Earth must eventually move beyond this sun or face certain destruction. Over time life could evolve without the need for photons from a distant star. There is also no reason cells could not form from other liquid materials. Cells need liquidity for fast transmission of information since they move with less energy than something like a rock. Cells learned to move electrons to communicate even faster. Despite technological advances, as space in the universe is finite and limited just as all things, so too must be my intertwined time.
11:40 p.m. - My jaw is loosening on the bottom left. I suppose it has something to do with my amphetamine treatment since I've felt it before. Once it popped out of place randomly when I was in high school, and I had to pop it back in. It was a weird moment since I was just in my room like I am now.
2:49 a.m. - I put a little bit of Optimum Nutrition preworkout into my sweet tea to make watermelon Luzianne sweet tea. It tastes phenomenal like when I loaded blueberries into my sweet tea. The blue raspberry preworkout would probably make even better sweet tea; artificial fruit flavors taste better.
4:23 a.m. - I'm cleaning up the famous PsychonautWiki pages on methamphetamine and MDA so nobody bothers damaging themselves like me. Not all of the damage I did is reversible as can be seen in the facial damage of long term meth users. I'm like a solitary think tank pushing ideas to the world, although I'm by no means politically informed, and I don't intend to keep this journal public forever. I've only published it because my back is to the wall.
7:33 a.m. - I applied for Panasonic.
February 21, 2022: 12:25 a.m. - I applied to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation (Gf). It's getting slightly strange to keep my journal dates straight as I intended them to roll past 12 a.m. when I stayed up that late. I'll get used to it.
3:14 a.m. - I'm doing these quizzes on Coinbase while learning about these new currency models called AMP and FETCH. AMP is a speedy collateral that will become obsolete as the currencies like Bitcoin achieve faster computation of their security due to faster processors and faster networks. Bitcoin already has much faster transaction times than its launch. FETCH is simply an expensive, peer reviewed method of running code on an external server, the cloud.
Investing and holding money in these currencies will be declared illegal soon just like it was in China. All of the goals of cryptocurrency can be accomplished more efficiently by anonymizing the current national currencies. The records can be held by the executive branch of the government, but a decryption key could be held by the court system in case criminals need to be investigated. Banning these alternative currencies is necessary to stabilize the economy and prevent corporations from destabilizing the US Dollar by generating too many currencies in which to have faith. I invested money and made about $5000 in one trade, but I refuse to invest anything else. I'm traded out. As I expect all alternative currencies to face a ban with the rising inflation rates that are now 7% rather than the typical 2-3%, I intend to earn my money through my traded labor and artistic entrepreneurial ventures. The peer review aspect of the blockchain could be useful for ensuring integrity of operations in the eye of the public. For example, ensuring integrity of the BitTorrent network requires verifying a computed hash of the data transferred. However, that has limited applications, and I can't actually think of one.
5:15 a.m. - I applied to Oculus with Facebook which is apparently now Meta. I also applied to AmeriSave, Volt, Magic Leap, Neato Robotics,
7:28 a.m. - I sold the remaining Monero I was holding from my last conversion of BTC to Monero. I bought Ramen and eggs with it. I started getting super itchy all over my body at about 7 a.m. when I should have taken my medicine. The extra withdrawal is kicking in from my fling with my amphetamine reserves. My head hurts a little and I'm out of focus. It's fine though. This isn't so bad compared to my other experiences. It's to be expected.
7:57 p.m. - I woke up at about 7 p.m. Behind my right eye hurts again. I wonder what that is. I suppose it is some visual mechanism being impacted by my withdrawal. The red slashes and lattices still adorn my vision. The lattices are usually blue, but they can be green, purple, or pink.
10:19 p.m. - My head still hurts in my forehead and behind my right eye. That's my eye that's always been closed a little more than the left. I suppose that's from my mom's fiasco with alcohol and tobacco. My lips also are thinner than other folks, a fact pointed out to me a while ago by Kim Dortch from Columbus High School. Those are telling of Down Syndrome, but luckily my mental damage from the womb is still rectifiable with amphetamine, whereas for others their neural damage is by some other mechanism that cannot be taught through consistent use of drugs. There are some neurons that cannot learn simply by bridging a synapse in the body. Despite my great pain, I am thankful for the ability to feel great pleasure in my disorder. Still, I wish I did not always leave my room or prepare to leave while always thinking I'm leaving something pertinent behind. I always think I should turn back while I walk down the hallway because I think I'm missing something. I always long for something more, and it's due to my permanent disorder and permanent amphetamine addiction.
2:39 a.m. - I hate this place and its manufactured misery. I strive to escape it, but I am unable with my limited resources. I shall seize the means of production of my happiness for myself one last time.
3:31 a.m. - I keep writing that last paragraph over and over in different words. It's fine. Dying is easy, and it's just like going to that home I want. I don't deserve this. I've never aimed to make anyone suffer, and I've never fucked up anyone's life through the mistakes I've made related to my disorder, including the fuckups during my time with COVID-19, the unknown STD's, and the experimentation for fixing my ADHD. It's hard to enumerate the worst day of my life, but it was probably my suicidal MDA problem on January 4, 2021, or one of those suicidal days that blend together back in late 2017 and early 2018 where I was fixing my 10 years off my ADHD medication. This isn't the worst time of my life. This is the worst prospect for my future in my life. The only other one that comes close was when I lived for three months without power at my house and always wondered when my mom, Bruce, and me would be homeless.
5:27 a.m. - In the massive timeline of my existence, it's irrelevant whether I die today or in sixty years. I was dead for billions of years, and I was perfectly fine for that. I'll be perfectly fine and unaware for the next few billion years whether I transcend into that state of unawareness in a few days or a few decades. Despite my worries for my wellbeing in my future, I applied to Sam's Club, Signal, and Niantic.
6:56 a.m. - My right eye still hurts and feels empty sometimes. All the NMDA hallucinations are still there.
February 22, 2022: 8:02 p.m. - I applied to Bethesda Softworks.
10:17 p.m. - I updated a bunch of stuff on my resume like adding hyperlinks and changing from using Google Drive to using a local LibreOffice odt file. It's been a long time since I've gone a day without taking a shower. I'm going to not take a shower today since I haven't moved from this chair and my bed. I just applied to Rockstar Games, 4A Games, Ubisoft, and Shure.
6:21 a.m. - I applied to NCSoft, Wargaming, Respawn from EA, and Raven Software.
9:18 a.m. - I applied to Toys for Bob since I want to work on Spyro. It hasn't been great since Spyro 3 in my opinion. The remake of Spyro 3: Year of the Dragon is superior to the original, so I think I could put in some great work there. I've been playing Spyro since Bruce picked it up for me when I was like five years old.
February 23, 2022: 11:21 p.m. - I applied to Sledgehammer Games. I was inspired by their logo to add a hover effect to my main website logo. It now inverts from a white blue electric brain to a dark pink and black brain. It gives a nicer look at the other parts of the brain that were obscured by the brightness.
2:19 a.m. - I applied to ProbablyMonsters.
My new indeed GET request after they changed the GET query format:
https://www.indeed.com/jobs?q=software+Engineer&l=washington&radius=100&jt=fulltime&explvl=entry_level&sort=date&limit=50&sr=directhire
4:48 a.m. - I applied to GSC Game World. They're in Ukraine, so it might be hard to get the job, but they need localization assistance for the United States, especially given their new big release, STALKER 2.
5:03 a.m. - I'm applying to some indie studios. I just applied to Sonderlust Studios and Golem House.
February 24, 2022: 10:37 p.m. - I'm proceeding with the food stamps. I had to get additional information about my loans from Jacob. Counting the $50 he loaned me today, he's loaned me $725 so far in total. This morning at about 7 a.m., my forehead was moving around like crazy in all directions like it was a liquid moving around without breaking surface tension in a shallow cylinder a few millimeters thick. It was uncomfortable and felt like a regression from my cessation of amphetamine. It also times well since it was 7 a.m.
11:35 p.m. - I fixed the HTTP to HTTPS redirection on my website. I don't think I ever got it to work, and I only just now noticed that HTTP doesn't redirect on Firefox mobile. I also added titles to my home screen image reel. I was inspired by Serebii.net to allow my footer Neopets avatar to be clickable and return the user to the top of the page. I'm changing my website's font to Linux Libertine.
2:42 a.m. - It took four hours to update my website.
4:38 a.m. - I applied to ASUS using their general application since I couldn't find any good open positions. I think their ROG phone could be even better if they ditched the gimmicks like the rounded screen corners.
February 25, 2022: 10:23 p.m. - I feel I'm wasting my time. The person who wrote and programmed F.M.A. feels so far away from me now, and the sequel I have planned feels even farther away. I must recognize I still have these innate talents that only need to be awakened by my medication. The release of my writing abilities is awaiting me. As I wait, my other talents such as PCP2 inhibition also await me for my next round of amphetamine treatment. But without my amphetamine medication, am I doomed to endlessly fail in these arbitrary "tests" of my programming abilities?
It still hurts to drink sweet tea. It makes me miss my amphetamine so much I cry. The red crevices adorn my vision all around now as I begin to peak on the sweet tea. They've been there for two months now. I suppose I made my choice as did everyone else. Their unwillingness to trade and acknowledgement of their material hoarding will be their undoing if not by me then by another.
4:21 a.m. - I applied to Mihoyo, the Chinese company behind Genshin Impact.
10:24 a.m. - Things still move, morph, and take other shapes in the corner of my eyes. While preparing my Ramen and eggs on the kitchen counter, my box encased forty pound dog food bag with a five pound weight and empty paper towel roll on top morphs into an image of me holding my head in pain and staring at the ground. It's symbolic of part of my inner world. In addition to the red slashes, I still see swirls of single colors moving around my vision sometimes. My skin crawls like crazy all over. My head hurts in the center of my forehead.
February 27, 2022: 3:53 a.m. - I finally finished my v1.1 update for Speed Timer which I briefly started working on at 6 a.m. last night. I still can't get portrait mode in Android working, so I opened a GitHub issue.
Visual Quality of Life Update: Prophet Launcher v4.5 notes:
Added gameplay statistics: time played, games played, highest score, enemies killed, final bosses killed
Custom controls for keyboard and controller input
Window transparency option for even better custom backgrounds
Updated the visual style of the anime girl skin, Fuchsiakura
Boss projectiles now move in a parabolic shape to surprise the player
Added differing bullet velocities
Updated some colliders to use custom polygon shapes
Added fade out animation for fireball and some particles
Updated file selection dialogs to match my new theme from Speed Timer
Verbosity update
Node tree optimization
UI updates: symmetry, font size, font super sampling and down sampling, and matching popup close button theme
Balancing updates: speed upgrades are more gradual, decreased cannon fodder soul reward from 25 to 20, increased some bosses' HP and speed
Bug fixes: custom map text not saving, generated map props' removal not processing during game pause, fire rate not updating in weapons description popup, imported background path not saving, custom prophets move head shot location from typical Zombie Jesus locale
Godot Engine update: 3.3.4 -> 3.4.3
February 28, 2022: 1:39 a.m. - Speed Timer v1.2:
Android version
3:38 a.m. - I applied to Microsoft for their neurodiversity hiring listing. I remember when I first started sending out applications, I said I didn't have a disability because it wasn't on the list of things like Autism and HIV. After some more thought, I realized my disorder of ADHD is a debilitating disorder that should be mentioned for government records for fair employment. I've been choosing not to disclose that information for most of my applications. Now, I've decided it's in my best interest to note I do have a disability on my job applications. There are extensive medical records and even things like radioligand testing that could be done to show I have ADHD. Brain scans might even be sensitive enough to show the oscillations in my neural abilities.
Staying up all night is great. Over the past week, I've been putting in work on my website, Speed Timer, and Prophet Launcher. It's unfortunate that even though I know I will rise from the neural oscillations and depressions of my amphetamine addiction intertwined with my ADHD, it still feels like I'll stay in my current state forever. I get really itchy all over my body after 7 a.m., and it's been about thirty-five days.
11:22 p.m. - I just woke up and showered an hour ago. What I don't like about episodes of Family Guy in season 4 and later are the mindless noises characters make which take up the space of good dialog I could have running in my background.
March 1, 2022: 12:21 a.m. - Here I'm deviating from my typical date format aligning with my sleep schedule. I still have numbness, red slashes, lattices, and milky rainbow twines moving around me. Sweet tea will bring my amphetamine addiction to light with more tears.
March 2, 2022: 3:02 a.m. - My phone will cease to be functional soon. My dog is running out of food. I am running out of food. There doesn't appear to be any point in continuing my failure of a job search the past 18 months. Clearly the rich folk have some sort of continuity of their sadistic plan that has been facilitated the past 19.5 months after I got that STD. If I am to be kept in a dark, it shall not be among the living. If I am to die, it shall not be more slowly than the last decree of the people around me. I shall die better than I lived.
I thought the age of mass communication would be used for my benefit. Clearly it is being used to force me into servitude serving the sadistic desires of the wealthy and middle class while remaining completely arbitrary in my perspective. As I've noted before, the awful experimentation and sadism practiced here will not be nearly as tolerated by future victims. My website is paid for through May, so I'm running out of time to even spread my message to those who will need it as much as I could have used such knowledge. If I had known I would be lured to a strip club by mass exclusion and propaganda then corralled to destitution and newfound disease experimentation, I would have taken my fifty thousand dollars and fled to Seattle rather than remain subjugated in Atlanta.
The blind eye turned here is a repetition of the Nazi rise to power in crowded Europe. I never expected such things to occur in the heart of the United States of America with the most permissive freedoms of the nigh two hundred countries in the entire world. Yet I have continued to stack evidence that I am a mere pawn rather than any sort of equal to these people. The job applications now serve as some sort of literacy test reincarnating the times before the civil rights movement in the 1960's. The sharecropping and tenement housing hidden behind a Googleplex "campus" and Extended Stay America "goodwill" reconstruct the post civil war caste system of America. Learning from the mistakes of their predecessors, my enemies will slowly assume power over their individual peers as the masses are blinded to their treachery. Eventually, life in America will suffer a reversion just as life remains in India: the arbitrary caste system will be forced onto numerically drowned subjects of the massive ruling class to appease their growing lust for human violence.
8:30 a.m. - I added some stuff to PsychonautWiki. It's nice having a big encyclopedia of drugs. I added some information on amphetamine's neurogenesis effect. Neurogenesis is the generation of new neurons in the human neural network. This can enhance reading comprehension through the creation of new norepinephrine related neurons and enhance motivation through the creation of new dopamine related neurons. These neurons communicate through electrical signals flowing through synaptic electric gaps bridged by neurotransmitters like norepinephrine, dopamine, and adrenaline. However, the quantity of neurons is not the only important factor in determining the speed and quality of internal communication in the human body; neurons' quality for performing their proper function like release and reuptake of neurotransmitters is also a factor, especially in disorders like attention deficit hyperactive disorder (ADHD) and schizophrenia. Most natural neurogenesis occurs in children and most natural neurodegeneration occurs in the elderly, but drug induced neurogenesis and drug induced neurodegeneration can be garnered at any age.
10:21 a.m. - I started getting super itchy ten minutes ago. I also drank a cup of sweet tea about ten minutes ago. It's been increasing in intensity.
March 3, 2022: 12:05 a.m. - I suppose if my continued poverty for the next fifty to sixty years of my life is defined by my failed attempts to break my poverty cycle the past 18 months, I have no choice but to follow the footsteps of the German reparations in the face of the League of Nations. This will inevitably end in my death or permanent imprisonment, although the latter is not so bad considering I will not be required to work and will receive free medical treatment, food, water, and shelter. Perhaps my exile to prison could harbor a future like Napoleon's return from Corsica. With all my talent contained in my massive portfolio, my 4.5 year degree from a top ten university, and adversity overcome through a rise from poverty and a lifelong disorder of neurodegenerative ADHD, I am still doomed to fail at the hands of a sadistic society. Those who do not fare so well as me in school are doomed to suffer even more at the hands of those folk, and with rising population, their misery will be even more clouded by the vast numbers of sadistic people communing to exact an agonizing toll from a rigidly unwavering class of poverty.
In light of this and the consequences of slighting an individual, I can only give one small piece of advice before my eternal farewell. I'll stand behind my people, and I'll give them a good push out of their nest just like a momma bird. If they won't leave the nest, I'll wait until they're not looking and give them an even bigger push from behind. If these people can't or won't fly, they'll hit the fucking ground. It's like pushing a child into the pool to teach them to swim. I don't like playing Big Momma to a dastardly society, but I'll do it because I love these people to death. I also love myself to death, so I'll sacrifice these folk to get what I need.
12:57 a.m. - My left bottom jaw has hurt since I woke up at about 11 p.m.
2:02 a.m. - That pain in my left lower jaw is decreasing now, but it remains. Back in late December when I was fueling my hatred of the outside world and building adrenal resources, I hung up objects around my room to inspire me while marathoning The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. On my window, I hung up a shirt upon which I scrawled the various affronts on me by black and latino gangs. On my door bolt lock, I hanged via clothes hanger my suit and tie with a doctor's mask over where the face should be. Behind my bed I lay my Bachelor of Science in Computer Science degree, a photo of my mother taken before I was born, and a commemorative framed picture saying, "I LOVE HOES" eight times which I bought in August 2020. It's a lot harder to get evidence of the stalking by various white gangs. The people sitting around and outside Publix and just watching are creepy. I've decided to add a picture of my mother and the degree together to my website. On a side note, I still have red slashes and entrancing lattices on my vision, although they are continuing to slowly fade.
5:40 a.m. - I worked on Prophet Launcher for the past three hours now, and I've been increasing my cute anime girl drawing skills. Drawing cute anime girls is a lot harder than drawing badass looking male characters. The eyes take a bit of practice, and I'm definitely still learning. I've been using several renderings of Dark Magician Girl from Yugioh as my models.
8:12 a.m. - I saw on the news the Russians are not picking up their fallen comrades from the battlefield. I respect that. This is a a good strategy for atheists and gives atheists an edge over the religious who have ideals to "save" their dead brethren. I don't see it as a sign of disrespect. Life should be celebrated, and as those dead people are now no more conscious than rocks on the moon, it is best to celebrate those memories held of their life. I would not embalm and place my dead mother in a trophy case. I think it is disrespectful and short sighted to Earth and its life cycle which depends on recycling the resources of dead animals.
It is best and most honorable to let Earth reabsorb the dead soldiers. I still respect the temporary honoring of dead brethren in ceremonial funerals and such, but I think it is best to remember them and honor them without "stealing" their bodily resources from Earth's life cycle. I wouldn't cremate my body if my cells weren't so valuable from their mutations. I'd say to throw my body in some ditch somewhere so it could grow trees!
March 4, 2022: 5:39 a.m. - My lower left jaw didn't stop hurting until I woke up at 11:20 last night.
6:43 a.m. - I don't have T-Mobile service anymore since I don't have any money. I'm using Google Voice on my Asus ROG Phone II using the limited ESA wifi available to me. It only works on my phone and still cuts out on some timer. I changed my Microsoft application to use that phone number, and I applied to Netflix, Epic Games.
12:37 p.m. - I ate just shy of half of my amphetamine reserve of 11 mg and licked its small baggy.. I finished watching Home Movies, and now I have an oscillating head pain. It's also harder to see. I only ate about 15-20% of my normal dosage so that's why. I see more rainbows which is awesome.
1:07 p.m. - Space is finite and discrete, and it has always existed without the need for the human fabrication called time. Creation cannot exist because infinite recursion is impossible, so everything that has ever existed must be finite in extent. Time is a human perspective of the movement of space. Because space is discrete, it is dependent on discrete, consistent movements at its most basic unit. If two particles have a different velocity, particle one of space moves a unit, the other particle two must stay still. Particle one moves another unit of space, and then particle two moves a unit of space. If particle one becomes adjacent to particle two, it can move particle one. The space of universe would tick like a clock, and this property of the universe's matter to tick would be called time, despite the particles' necessity for "instant transmission" like in Dragon Ball Z.
In reality, there is no physical piece of matter that is "time", and as it is a quantity that is not measurable, it cannot be called "infinite". How then would every single movement of every particle that has ever existed be counted? It cannot as there is a finite amount of matter with which to count and there are many more movements of matter than the amount of matter in space. How? Movements in space are traded for units of matter, likely through the actions of light. Given the change in the energy and thus spacial movement potential of a particle is proportional to its change in mass, the smallest divisible movement of the equally smallest divisible unit of matter could be a sacrifice of a unit of matter like light. Given light always moves a finite and constant amount of space without stopping but only transferring energy to matter, the movement of space is likely caused by the sacrifice of photons. This sacrificial oscillation of the existence of photons and energy of matter would be perceived as the perception of time. Because light is discretely sacrificed and thus emitted from matter through black body photon radiation, light will always exist to mediate the discrete movement of space. Thus time is merely a discrete measurement of the movement of space in relation to the discrete and constant movement of light. As the change in energy is proportional to the change in matter as a multiple of the speed of light squared, a change in time can also be expressed as the change in energy induced by the absorption or emission of a light particle ticking the space of the universe with its constant movement of 300,000,000 meters per second, an unknown amount of discrete movement through space.
This discrete and regularly performed function to possibly move must be some intrinsic property of the universe like the existence of matter. What spacial information stores spacial information about the existence of space? And what would store information about that information storing the information about space? It is in line with the questions of how many gods created how many gods and why there cannot exist an infinity. There are intrinsic properties of the universe governing matter just as matter "just exists". What would this smallest unit of space and thus its occupying matter look like? Would it be cubical or spherical? It would probably be the latter given gravitational attraction. The property of gravitational attraction through vacuums would be another intrinsically governing law of the universe unless it is discovered there are some discrete particles governing its attractive pull. The magnetic force from electrons is another interesting force that looks to be some intrinsic property of the universe.
Because it is a rule that finite matter and finite energy are always discretely trading with a relation to finite light, there need not be a "beginning" nor an "end" to the universe and its rules. What about the beginning trade of energy and matter? There is no beginning to the movement of matter and energy just as there is no beginning to the existence of matter, vacuum space, energy, and light. Isn't it interesting humans can live to witness over one hundred years measured by the movement of light and matter around the human brain? It can be measured now, but as the matter, energy, and light in the human body disintegrates, matter, energy, and light will be as they have always been: trading. Living "forever" would then be possible, yet it will still not be possible to count every trade made with matter and energy using the finite amount of resources. Trades will be "forgotten". There is a finite amount of combinations of matter, energy, and space, and thus eventually there will be a repetition of a state of the universe. Perhaps there will exist another configuration of space with my exact biological makeup contained in the discrete units of matter and energy. It is unfortunate this configuration of biological matter and energy will not be "me" in the sense it will not contain my matter and energy. My existence will be erased even if the state machine of the universe reconfigures its matter and energy to this specific arrangement.
The universe must be in a loop of generating states because there is a finite configuration of possible trades for matter and energy. Thus, because this universe state existed, there will be another configuration of the universe in this state as the universe rotates through its discrete and finite combinations of matter and energy. I will never again exist as I know myself, and the universe will still be dead to me in the future as it was dead to me in the past. Given the harsh nature of sacrificial resource acquisition in the sparse universe, it is unlikely any entity would live very long. Entities living longer than the lifespan of humans would still be subject to the universe's rotation through its discrete amount of possible states. Some sort of biological entity as large as star still must trade with the universe around it and thus it must repeat some state at some point. Even small entities like viruses can destroy much larger entities like organisms. Given organisms are giant calculators, they are doomed to their calculated fates. Even though human "choice" exists by cognitively and thus neurally valuing one option over another, that choice is still calculated by this discrete universe. It is not good for the temporary human body to feel disdain that its choice is determined by a finite, predetermined world that operates like a computer program. I should not feel bad that I am to die and never again perceive the universe and its naturally mechanistic states.
I never really tried to imagine the universe like this until now. I had always deferred it to when I would inevitably study physics again in a redefined, clearer light. In any case, it does me no good as I have proven the universe will not continuously but continually rotate through its finite amount of possible configurations as the finite amount of organisms consume until it is necessary to consume each other for sustainability like a black hole.
March 5, 2022: 5:01 a.m. - 2.5 months ago, I applied to Nike, so I'm not reapplying. I applied to Twitch. A few jobs places like GE Digital and MyWorkdayJobs are doing maintenance from 2 a.m. to 10 a.m. EST.
Infernight v2.0 notes:
Custom controls backported from origin in For My Aspect
Added spark runs (games played) and spark time (time played) statistics in line with my latest work on Prophet Launcher
Added custom theming of the UI buttons and popups
Added start sound
Improved spark visual with randomized starting particle angles
Improved fiery DNA visual
For an improved portrait mode, score and pause UI elements as well as Essence now rotate with Inverted Camera option
UI symmetry and theme updates
Font mipmaps and filtering for better scaling
Node tree structure optimization
Godot Engine updated 3.3.4 -> 3.4.3
11:02 a.m. - My NMDA numbness, red slashes, and colored lattices are coming in again on schedule since I ate a little bit of amphetamine about 24 hours ago and reset my addiction clock back a little. My upper lip is pretty numb. My head pain is there but feels overshadowed a good deal by my numbness. The fringes around my eyes itch like crazy.
12:49 p.m. - Prophet Launcher v5.0 notes:
Added Skirteasey, a new anime girl character skin; may the sweet teas be with you
Mirrorain map with mountainous, foggy night rain and a reflecting pool
Updated Time Cellar with an atomic nucleus and electron cloud
Better blood splatter
Better bullet wound sprite
Added white fire to the tail of the end screen's ampersands
PC only: removed pause button and weapon switch buttons, scaled in game UI elements to be smaller
Enabled continual jumping by holding down joypad or keys (I can't believe it took me this long to recognize and implement this)
Updated Osama enemy to use my new polygon collision shape system
Increased bullet wound spread to the limits on some enemies
Showed confirmation popup when using reset customizations button
UI popup symmetry update
Balancing updates: Increased late game utility of pistol and M4 and decreased last damage upgrade of railgun
Updated new UI elements' focusing with keyboard and controller input
Bug fixes: total time played sometimes using integer division instead of modulus, custom controls not loading at startup, reset customizations button not affecting UI, wrong gun paint customization on first launch, regression of custom colors not modifying button background color, controller aiming regression, resetting default input controller input has wrong string, regression of volume setting not saving
Credits:
Reflective water: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32jdNLTJ3zY
Fog: https://github.com/Gonkee/Gonkees-Shaders/blob/master/fog.shader
March 6, 2022: 4:42 a.m. - I applied to Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, GE Digital. I used the wrong phone number though, so I'm going back to update that. I just applied to Amperity, Xealth, and Wyze.
6:37 a.m. - I checked for an Infernight resource not loading in folder using the Godot log files generated by running an exported Infernight.exe. I was referencing the old name, "fire-matrix-white", of my texture resource "fire-matrix". File type references are a great example affirming my personal convention of excluding exterior sentence punctuation from quotes.
11:35 a.m. - I applied to Convoy, Mercari, Searchspring, and The Pokemon Company.
March 7, 2022: 10:30 a.m. - Based on traffic to my website, I'm going to try applying to software engineering jobs in Ashburn, VA. California has the highest average session time, so I'll try there more often even though I'd rather live closer to my final destination of Seattle, WA. Google Analytics only tracks people without any adblocking, so I suppose that explains my low proportion of registered visits from Seattle. Ohio also gets a lot of visits, so I'll try there too.
After looking, I can't find much there. I think it's best to stick to the west coast in my searches.
1:37 p.m. - I applied to Intel.
4:19 p.m. - Wakko's Wish was a nice movie.
March 8, 2022: 5:51 a.m. - I applied to Multiverse the game company after seeing an ad on itch.io.
8:32 a.m. - My earlier estimates for the length of time I have my server is wrong. I have 6 more months of server time with DigitalOcean, so I have until September.
12:53 p.m. - I applied to DigitalOcean.
March 9, 2022: 1:22 a.m. - I've edited my About Me page on my website in light of my recent macrocosmic and microcosmic musings. To note my editorial progress in light of the challenges faced with my ADHD, I've pasted below my copy on August 8, 2018 from archive.org as well as my most recent rendition.
8/8/2018:
About Me
Hello world! I'm Joseph Richard Cantrell, a computer scientist with a passion for lighting the torch of mutual prosperity. Beginning November 21, 1995 I grew up on Emerson Avenue in Columbus, Georgia in the old land of the free and the new world of the brave, the United States of America. Meta4's this way and meta4's that way; I'm also the United States of America, and the Golden Rule, as the One rule to rule them all, is my Constitution. I lived in Columbus with my mother Patricia Cantrell my entire life before moving to Atlanta, Georgia in 2014 to attend the Georgia Institute of Technology and begin anew.
I always craved entrepreneurship and the freedoms it brings myself and society. However, investment capital did not exist in my household, so I forsook my Business Administration degree plans and set my sights on a Computer Science degree several months before attending college. As a developer I have experience programming using a diverse set of technologies like C, Android, and ReactJS. I; coded this website by teaching myself PHP, HTML, CSS, and JavaScript with the wealth of knowledge on the internet. I; love playing video games and have learned to make my own games using pure code like Java and advanced software like Unity. Multiprocessor algorithm efficiency is summarized by the equation speedup(p processor algorithm) / p, which shows how well the total work (Joules per second) of a serial (single processor) algorithm can be distributed among the p processors using a new parallel algorithm. Superlinear speedup is also possible, wherein division of labor using new parallel processing algorithms allows for higher efficiency than 1 (I'm also talking about money!). However, expect there to be diminishing marginal returns as you repeat the same process. Right, I'm a drill sergeant with lots of experience and I want one composition: NoSQL or MySQL. With my brain and a Bachelor of Science of Computer Science, I am a doctor with no PhD and there is nothing beyond my mind! Everything is easy; piece by piece, step by step, I can read, analyze, and apply any information.
Here's a quick rundown of my hobbies. I; have spent 84 days of my life playing Modern Warfare 2 and about 50 days playing Borderlands 2 on Xbox 360. This equates to 6.8% of my time in high school playing Modern Warfare 2. Rainbow Six Siege is currently my favorite game and I have now moved to the Windows platform (PCM4$T3R4C34LYF3). My last semester of college, I spent 6 days (5%) of my total time playing Rainbow Six Siege. Machine Learning and Philosophy of Science, Technology, and Human Values are my favorite Georgia Tech classes. My favorite type of music is metal, and some of my favorite artists are Slayer, Soilwork, and Boosie BadAzz. Animated television shows are my favorite because they are an inexpensive artistic medium attracting eccentric talent; shows like The Boondocks and ChÃ¤oS;HEAd rank very highly in my eyes. Without the original creators, Borderlands The Pre-Seqeuel and The Boondocks Season 4 felt like modulistic terror, so I can't wait for the real SQL's. Some of my favorite movies include Full Metal Jacket and Scarface. Brave; New World and The Stranger are some of my favorite novels. I enjoy weightlifting and perform bench press, bent over rows, military press, deadlifts, and weighted pullups to build strength and stay healthy. My best bench press so far is five repetitions of 315 pounds.
The origin of the universe is of great concern to me. There are three spatial dimensions and a time dimension intertwined with the spatial dimensions. When your velocity increases time will tick more slowly for you. In mathematics it is easy to imagine four spatial dimensions using linear algebra. Thus, time can be seen as an extension of space: a fourth dimension creating spacetime. In mathematics, it is easy to imagine an infinite number of dimensions. This is where multiverse theory comes into play. Stephen Hawking conjectures this universe is an offshoot of a universe encapsulating more dimensions. Any; "timespacial" dimensions perpendicular to these four "timespacial" dimensions would be imperceptible to us. It is easy to imagine this universe can be perpendicular in space to another universe; quantum entanglement indicates this universe is a self-containing system originating from a place where time may not exist at all. At some point in time nuclear fusion supernovas created larger atoms such as carbon which coalesced into planets. Water allowed autonomous machines called bacteria cells to form, which eventually collected to form multicellular organisms such as fungi and humans. The end of the universe appears to be rooted in entropy. As I remain an ADHD atheist, I'm delighted scientists are still researching as humanity is moving to its highest apexes of enlightenment. Only if it might help me attain eternal life would I return to pursue a PhD. Decode my obfuscated JavaScript code for secret magnetic induction powers to blacken the cursed sun. 101010!
===============================
3/8/22:
About Me
In the beginning, there was an obfuscated Half Life 2 reference demanding, "Pick up that can."
'Sup world! I'm Joseph Richard Cantrell, a currently calculated 26.29736507 year old straight white male computer scientist with a passion for lighting the torch of mutual prosperity. I am merely an extraordinary man and nothing more. I will speak more on that later, but beginning November 21, 1995 at 3:29 a.m., I grew up on Emerson Avenue in the old land of the free and the new world of the brave, the United States of America. Meta4's this way and meta4's that way; I'm also the United States of America, and the Golden Rule, the One rule to rule them all, is my Constitution. To get here, my grandmother, Paula Josefa Cantrell (1922-2003), emigrated from Germany to the U.S.A. during Adolf Hitler's bolstering of Nazi Germany in the 1930's, and after marrying my Korean War POW grandfather, Jake Richard Cantrell (1916-1991), she gave birth to my late mother, Patricia Ann Cantrell (1962-2016).
At age 5, I was prescribed Adderall, abandoned Christianity to be agnostic, and then at age 7 ironically pushed forward an exceptional Atheist during my first Christian summer camp for poor kids, Camp Joy. I only remember seeing my alleged father, Bonnell Coachman Love (1948-2021), less than ten times total, but my mother was always there for me despite my father's lack of support beyond child support payments. For eighteen years, I lived in Columbus with my mom Patricia Cantrell before moving to Atlanta, Georgia in 2014 to attend the Georgia Institute of Technology and begin anew. I gladly yet reluctantly abstained from Adderall for ten years until 2017 when I finally recognized my comprehension, motivation, and even visual faculties waned and required dedicated attention. After four and a half years at Georgia Tech, I graduated with Bachelor of Science in Computer Science degree at the end of 2018 with more questions than answers.
I always craved entrepreneurship for the freedom it brings myself and society. However, massive amounts of investment capital did not exist in my household, so several months before attending college I forsook my emerging business administration degree plans and set my sights on a programming career. As a developer I have experience programming using a diverse set of technologies from electrical circuits and assembly to C, Java, and Python. I coded this website by teaching myself PHP, HTML, CSS, and JavaScript with the wealth of knowledge on the internet, and my server even identifies as Apache. I love playing video games and have learned to make my own games using the open source game engine Godot beginning with the 2D games Untrumpable and Prophet Launcher in February 2018 and continuing with Prophet Launcher 3D in 2020. Check them out at itch.io, an independent game developer hub. Much like my preference for gaming laptops over more modular desktops, I prefer cross platform generation tools like Godot and NativeScript because they greatly speed up throughput efficiency by consolidating programming assets to a singular entity. With my cross platform brain and a Bachelor of Science in Computer Science, I am a doctor with no Ph.D., and there is nothing beyond my mind! Everything is easy; piece by piece and step by step I can read, analyze, and apply any information.
Enumerated here is a quick rundown of some hobbies I've entertained. I have spent 84 days of my life playing Modern Warfare 2 and 50 days playing Borderlands 2 on Xbox 360. This equates to 6.8% of my time in high school mostly playing Search and Destroy in Modern Warfare 2. Metro Exodus and Modern Warfare are currently my favorite games, and I have moved to the Windows gaming platform since 2014 (PCM4$T3R4C34LYF3). I also enjoy games like BioShock Infinite, Halo Reach, Red Dead Redemption 2, Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs, and Dark Souls. My favorite type of music is metal, and some of my favorite artists are Slayer, Soilwork, and Boosie BadAzz, though I'm also quite partial to the series Punk Goes... Animated television shows are my favorite because they are an inexpensive artistic medium attracting eccentric talent, and thus I rank The Boondocks and ChÃ¤oS;HEAd very highly. Although I moreso enjoy the longer plot development afforded by other storytelling mediums, some of my favorite movies are as follows: Live Free or Die Hard, Tropic Thunder, Scarface, Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2. The Stranger by Albert Camus and Brave New World are some of my favorite novels, and although I quite enjoyed The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings was respectfully difficult for me to finish at times. To improve my writing skills, I write about notable life events in a journal wherein I have collected over 170,000 words detailing my adventures, good and bad, solo and grouped. To help entertain and educate the human race, I'd like it to be freely and posthumously published without redaction. As I am that is, that is, I write more than I read now, and I'm inspired by longer tales like the Inheritance, Redwall, Warriors, and The Merlin Saga book series.
I like to cook my meals in a big crockpot with nine spicy red peppers like the Carolina Reaper, Trinidad Moruga Scorpion, and Ghost Pepper to enhance flavor and nutrition. My favorite chocolate candy is Reeses, and to feed my inner sugar fiend, I once ate a luxury dessert of a baker's dozen original glazed Krispy Kreme donuts in one sitting. Although it seems like I eat a lot, I do not consume alcohol, tobacco, or even beer bratwurst. To expend all those essential calories and amino acids, I weightlift every few days and perform bench press, bent over rows, military press, barbell curls, deadlifts, light stability squats, and weighted pullups to build strength and stay healthy. Lately, my best deadlift is five repetitions of 405 pounds. In lifting all this weight and putting it back down, there's no obfuscation this perpetuates a positive feedback loop demanding I consume more food to lift more weight.
For artistic revelry, I've focused on programming video games solely using Godot. First, I was inspired to create unique games to quickly finish during five minutes of spare time awaiting the results of austere necessities like waiting for my McDonalds meal. After creating a few including Prophet Launcher, my favorite, I've learned to make 3D games and begun weaving my own stories into these games. At age eleven, I once wrote 90,000 words (one third of my planned plot) of a novel called Krelzor's Quest, similar to Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Blue Rescue Team and Redwall but with my own unique talking creatures. I long ago abandoned and lost that project, but I've begun channeling that same writing energy from prose to the interactive, visual, and auditory video game experience with my first entry, For My Aspect (F.M.A.), completed in 2021.
There's also quite a long trail of things I can list that I don't like at all. I don't like most science fiction, superheroes, romance, sports, and musical theatre types of entertainment. This means I hate Star Wars, High School Musical, Star Trek, Georgia Tech college football, and Friends. In addition, find other distasteful artistries here: The Avengers, The Simpsons, and Fifty Shades of Grey. I do not like sadism, whether it is employed by individuals or groups, under the guise of Santa Clause, Corporation Inc, or the necessary and proper clause. I neither drink alcohol nor smoke tobacco, especially foul tasting poison like gin and vodka, and I most often prefer the solitary shade of my personal domicile to the illustrious city lights adorning the outdoors. In reference to the exterior world, I do not entertain the notion of Schrodinger's unobserved yet superimposed alive and dead cat just as I do not care that in the year 2016, an "invisible economic hand" felled an unbeknownst tree in the woods in the opposite hemisphere of Earth.
Although I do not pursue it, the origin of Earth and its surrounding universe interests me. The three spacial dimensions before you intertwine with time, elucidating spacetime or my preferential articulation, "timespace". When your velocity increases, time will tick more slowly for you. To explain this, consider outside light information travels via absorption in your eyes' cones to your prefrontal cortex for complex analysis via fast moving electron action potentials through wirelike structures in the body. When a speedier portion of the human neural network is utilized to carry this light information to the prefrontal cortex, this same outside spatial scene will be analyzed by the prefrontal cortex in less time (more slow motion) as the same spatial light information is pumped around the brain and moves outside in its own space at a constant speed of approximately three hundred million meters per second. In mathematics, it is easy to imagine four spatial dimensions using linear algebra. Thus, time can be seen as an extension of space: a fourth dimension creating timespace.
Stephen Hawking conjectures this universe is an offshoot of a universe encapsulating more dimensions. Any "timespacial" dimensions perpendicular to these four timespacial dimensions would be imperceptible to us. In mathematics, it is also easy to imagine an infinite number of dimensions impacting our world beyond timespace such as the impact of gravity on timespace. I will now ponder Hawking's analysis as it can be metaphorical to my personal analysis based moreso in my knowledge of discrete mathematics. It is easy to imagine this universe can be perpendicular in space to another universe; quantum entanglement indicates this universe is a self-containing system originating from a place where our perception of time does not exist at all. If two particles are entangled, a change in the state of one particle will instantaneously flip the state of the partner particle. This quantum exchange of information cannot be measured as the particle's state changes as one measures its properties. This correlation of particles shows there is one more time dimension governing this quantum leap: imaginary time, nothing more than another aptly named physical law like gravity or light time.
In Hawking's analysis, along each point in this fifth dimension, the characteristics of timespace are predicted as points in a five dimensional (x-y-z-time-iTime) plane. Through an anomalous Big Bang, imaginary time wrought a single point in timespace: our universe. This point in the newfound timespace, a singularity analogous to a black hole, contained all the matter and energy in our known universe. Because the grandiose mass of a black hole gravitates light to absolute zero velocity and halts the flow of time, the Big Bang's initial scatter of mass created time. It is said by many physicists that black holes are anomalies in our universe, and the physics governing our universe apply neither there nor in the singularity. In a different and more likely hypothesis of the timespacial analysis of light in black holes, these photons would gravitate around the black hole's center of mass without changing their speed limit. After the Big Bang, stars collected and nuclear fusion supernovae spewed forth larger atoms such as carbon to coalesce into planets. Water molecules allowed autonomous machines called bacteria cells to collect and mutate into multicellular organisms such as fungi and humans. The observable universe is expanding, and for every gravitating coalescence there matters an equal but opposite dissipation of time. The universe will collapse back into a timespace singularity, yet ever increasing entropy ensures time forever flows forward as matter and energy also continue intermingling. As disorder and information about that disorder increases in the world as time and space move forward, traveling backwards in time would create a logical paradox because a point in timespace with less information cannot be achieved moving forward. The laws of physics shall once again break down in this new singularity proposed by Stephen Hawking, and a new universe will reign, but it shall not be our own.
Aside conjecture, as I know at some base instance of rationality, there must exist one finite self contained system, a universe with universal and eternal laws of physics, which has always existed and will always persist without the need for creation as you cannot infinitely recurse creation. Infinity simply does not exist and the calculated limit of the universe is real. Given the finite and discrete nature of space, there must be a finite number of states in the state machine of the universe. The universe moves through this state machine as the smallest particles of space continually tick and move through the discrete and not infinitesimal movements allowed in space. These ticks are governed by some inherent property of the universe in relation to the constant movement of light in relation to the proportional trade of matter and the energy of matter, its propensity to move through space (Î”E=Î”mc2). Time, insofar as I can derive with my limited knowledge of physics, has no particle governing it, and as such time, like velocity, acceleration, and jerk, is a discrete human construct elocuting the discrete movement of space in relation to these ticks.
Like a fractal mathematical function without an infinite input, the universe ticks along with universal and eternal laws of calculated physics governing matter, energy, light, gravity, and their intertwined limits. Because the matter of the universe must at some tick have reached every possible state in the finite configurations of its state machine, the matter of the universe must eventually cycle back to a previous state. This could take trillions of years yet likely many more, and such a rotation unobservable in the human frame of reference of one hundred years of life. Considering the impossible scenario proposed wherein the finite amount of finitely reproducing organisms could live "forever" and become mostly self sufficient in energy expenditure, they will still need to consume enough finite external energy to at least offset the black body photons proportionally radiating with their atoms' vibratory temperatures. After reproducing enough times, there would be no more matter for human life and its gravitation toward masses of solitary black hole evolutions to consume. Even without black body radiation past the event horizon of black holes, the law of gravity in the finite vacuum of space will pull these masses together and push them apart in a violent rapture of matter and energy. Because I have no memory of life before my birth, I will eventually return to such a calculated configuration of matter in my mother's womb, and I will even return to the configuration of matter calculated to choose typing this sentence despite irrevocable loss of my memory in my death. Mathematically, I elect to forego the sunk cost fallacy here in favor of limiting my introduction.
As I neurally wave farewell here, I remain an A.D.H.D. Atheist, and I'm delighted scientists are still researching to move humanity to its highest apexes of enlightenment. My norepinephrine (NE/NA), dopamine (DA), serotonin (5-HT), glutamate (GLU), and acetylcholine (ACh) neurotransmitter release rates decelerate over time due to a prenatal genetic alteration by alcohol and tobacco, but in return I've danced and conversed with processions of rainbow "ghost" women to keep me company through the occasional derivative misty night. To counteract my decelerating neural release rates, I eat prescription amphetamine every day, and effecting change in my body demands a trade of my supplies over months of time. Luckily, my unwavering GABA and light-speed adrenal systems always remain intact, so I am incapable of devolving to experience fear or retreat from inevitable danger. Neurons and other cells in parts of the body like the eyes, visual cortex, cerebral cortex, and prefrontal cortex work somewhat independently yet are holistically intertwined like a networked graph to create the reality I perceive. The website logo of josephcantrell.org in the top left is an image of my brain generated using an MRI machine at Georgia Tech, and it is encoded with the recognition of my motivations. Decode my obfuscated code in my home executive functions JS file, and refresh straight away for secret magnetic induction powers to blacken the hole of the Milky Way. 101010x3!
<Glowing Blue Signature>
4:58 a.m. - I applied to Google to work for their Pixel Android department and hopefully improve the deteriorating usability of phones.
2:37 p.m. - I just felt like I was being stabbed in the forehead. I've been craving amphetamine ever since I quit it. My skin still crawls along with the wavering of my faculties. Flying colors and red slashes born of a lack of glutamate in NMDA systems still grace me.
5:18 p.m. - You can't buy multivitamins with Food Stamps. That wastes so much money since the cheapest way to eat is by having one cheap Centrum multivitamin combined with Ramen and eggs for every meal. There's no dog food with the SNAP benefits either, so I'll make sure all the ingredients in Hormell chili and cheese are okay for Breezy, and I'll feed him that.
March 10, 2022: 5:30 a.m. - I have $850 in food stamps. Someone definitely did a manual override of the automated system to give me too much money either as another stupid joke or as another stupid test. It's like that episode of Family Guy Death Has a Shadow. I took a brisk walk to Publix and got some nice chili cheese dogs and Nutty Bars. I've got to call the DEFAX welfare organization to notify them of the error then go to Walmart to get more food.
6:23 a.m. - Very vibrant red slashes and lattices adorn my vision as my upper lip numbs much more than the rest of my body.
9:55 a.m. - I left a message to DEFAX about the excessive SNAP payment. My skin and hair are getting really dry like last year about the same time. I remember everything being so dry until I took MDMA which fixed that. I watched South Park and Case Closed while everything was super dry. I was on acid and remember Richard Moore saying something was "cut and dry" like the acid I used to relieve some of my amphetamine addiction. Acid and 3-MeO-PCP didn't help with the dryness. I don't know what caused that but it must be related to the release of neurotransmitters or the calcium channel thing. The pain behind my right eye is also coming to light again. It's hard to feel my dry skin. I still have the red slash and colored lattice NMDA visuals.
11:42 a.m. - I drank some blueberry laden sweet tea, and my center forehead is now killing me. Referencing the war in Ukraine, Vladimir Putin and his Russian oligarchs merely need something better to do with their time than fuck people in the ass like the people who know about me and my disorder in America. Someone should introduce Vladimir Putin and the rest of the oligarchy to amphetamine, MDMA, psychedelics, cannabis, and 3-MeO-PCP so they can take up writing, painting, and even programming. Amphetamine nurtures intelligence and morality while the remainder can help retain it. Perhaps his soul is beyond such reprogramming like maybe some who destroy their brain with meth. Then I have no solutions to change the motivations of such people. Start the "Get Putin High" movement now. I posted on Reddit about it. Get him off the booze.
March 11, 2022: 8:07 a.m. - YouTube removed my video of Prophet Launcher 4.5 for "harassment and cyber bullying". I appealed, and it was almost immediately rejected within a few minutes. I assume a robot rejected it as well. I'm switching to Vimeo forever. It's just like Google Play taking down my game Prophet Launcher for "terrorism". I give up on Google's YouTube just like I gave up on its censored, filtered search results to use Qwant search engine. I have lost faith in the Google company. I also don't use Google Chrome anymore. I use Vivaldi Browser which is an open source Chromium fork. I still use Google Images and Google Maps, but I think their time will come too. I'm hosting the video on my personal server and making a Vimeo account for Prophet Launcher's itch.io trailer video URL.
In light of my YouTube issues, I'm learning to encode videos properly using Shotcut. Good settings:
Container: .mp4
Codec: H.264 NVENC
Constrained VBR
Average bitrate: 14 Mb/s
Quality: 100% qmin=0
GOP: 900 frames
B frames: 2
I applied to JWPlayer and Wistia, competitors to YouTube.
10:18 a.m. - I just added more detail and links on my resume. It was difficult to keep it concise and one page. I also applied to Hinge Health, Wells Fargo, Adobe, Kingston Mortgage Corporation, Motorola, Showtime, Honor, MSI, Lenovo, Dell.
2:34 p.m. - That's 12 jobs to which I applied with Trailer Park Boys as a backdrop.
March 13, 2022: 11:38 a.m. - I applied to weedmaps.com, Hifyre (WikiLeaf), True Terpenes, UIPath, RealWear, Nintendo of America, WebMD, Epic, Shell, QCells.
5:39 p.m. - I applied to WOMBO. My new indeed request url: https://www.indeed.com/jobs?as_and=software%20engineer&as_phr&as_any&as_not&as_ttl&as_cmp&jt=fulltime&st&sr=directhire&salary&radius=25&l=washington&fromage=any&limit=50&sort=date&psf=advsrch&from=advancedsearch&vjk=e0e4f3b6ac157900
March 14, 2022: 11:00 a.m. - It hurts behind my right eye again. Drinking sweet tea isn't helping it any. Jeff Foxworthy made a joke that reminds me about that in the Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One for the Road. The movie released in 2003 has some ADHD jokes which became especially evident with the joke about orange juice concentrate.
2:41 p.m. - It still hurts behind my right eye. It's pretty distracting.
March 16, 2022: 8:15 p.m. - I worked on Prophet Launcher for the past 2 hours and got a lot done.
March 17, 2022: 1:17 p.m. - My old Modern Warfare sensitivity was 15 using an Eblue mouse, but given their scarcity, I will need to find another similarly designed lightweight, right handed gaming mouse.
5:13 p.m. - I still see the NMDA red slashes and lattices of the government and gang mandated baring of me to a "hunger strike" and subsequent welfare trickling down a drip feed. They're still slowly fading as my body heals itself of the sacrifices I made. Despite my temporary indulgence of this so called "government assistance", an eroding runoff from the aqueducts adorning their crystal palaces, I still refuse to partake in a welfare state rejuvenating the serfdom of old frigid country quarters.
March 18, 2022: 10:42 a.m. - The difference between the United States and Russia with "peacekeeping" missions in civil war blighted countries is that Russia's peacekeeping mission is done along its border and in a former province. It's more justified than the U.S. invasion of Iraq or the U.S. invasion of Korea and Vietnam for "peacekeeping". A U.S. invasion of Mexico in the name of peacekeeping would be more justifiable than the "peacekeeping" missions in Korea, Vietnam, and even Ukraine. As for taking sanctions off of Iran to justify the sanctions on Russia's oil market, I'd rather trade with Russia than state sponsored terrorism aggressor Iran. Even worse is the continued oil and weapons trading with Saudi Arabia despite widespread knowledge they are the biggest financier of terrorism of any country.
11:34 a.m. - I'm a little irked I'm having to shave more frequently now. I'm also having to shave my chest more frequently now. The "hair on your chest" mantra is complete horse shit for anyone but show off, lying mane men. I'm waiting on next steps in a Microsoft interview. I'm pretty sure question 2 didn't have a valid solution, so I commented how I would do my own solution with the same time complexity but more memory complexity. I could have used a variable instead of an array to authenticate a sequence of numbers, so I could have used less space in my solution, but whatever. I didn't try my ass off in school and my personal life for twenty years to have a useless degree, dead family, and remain a destitute medical transplant like Chevy Cheese Chelios from Crank 2 and his big, strong "horse" tranquilized heart.
5:43 p.m. - I'm working on reflective water in Prophet Launcher which will carry over to my 2D anime girl game. I have more of a business than many of the companies to which I've applied. Over four years, I've made eight games in my portfolio, four of which are 2D and four of which are 3D. I've also published an open source timer application. I'm being fucked for sadism and my special ADHD mutations which could be used for STD research and maybe cancer research. Given my mom was developing and dying from cancer by smoking and drinking all her life including during her pregnancy with me, it makes sense evolution would gift me defensive measures against those terrible things which plagued and killed my mother.
March 19, 2022: 7:04 p.m. - I drank some sweet tea forty-five minutes ago, and now it hurts behind my right eye again. It will continue to aggravate my amphetamine addiction for a while. My amphetamine addiction will continue for over seven more months as if I'm carrying a child in my womb for nine months just as my mother has done. I don't think there's a way to make the sweet tea not hurt me when I'm in amphetamine withdrawal. I think my problems with ADHD compound with the addiction problems to create the more intense pain I would feel back in 2018 and 2019. I just watched a food network style video on YouTube with a woman making Luzianne sweet tea. I think that's a sign of my addiction to sweet tea and its caffeine and sugar just like the obese people who watch Food Network.
March 20, 2022: 2:04 p.m. - Companies like Pepsi are still doing business with Russia, but I can't get a job.
8:12 p.m. - Watching the end of Trailer Park Boys has me thinking about marriage traditions. It's no wonder half of all marriages end in divorce when it is customary to have a beforehand stag party with guests to steal away the marriage at hand either by temptation or diminishing the value of the partnership. If the partnership is truly valuable, a man and woman would not detract from it by engaging in sexualized activities to "celebrate". I'm not sure where I'll find a woman to marry. It will be easy to be forthcoming with them about my situation once I visit the doctor and get all this ADHD and STD stuff cleared up. I wish those strippers had been as forthcoming with their minds as they were with their bodies.
Mr. Lahey's statement about the most valuable currency being gratitude rings true in light of death. In death, the gratitude for the life you had will come back to you again. It's like those medals on Bubba in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. My website, my video games, and my relationships with my dogs, family, and friends will come back to me in death in that "flash" I'll see at the end of my life. My so called "holy death" grows ever more holy in proportion to my relationship with my god, Joseph Richard Cantrell. Knowing this fact, I'll continue to worship myself even in times of despair.
9:35 p.m. - I drank a big cup of sweet tea as I wrote at 8:12. I can make out faces, lattices, and spots and strings of light moving around. The telephone pole light and surrounding tree branches outside were taking the shape of a peacock earlier.
10:33 p.m. - I want memory foam lined glasses frames, watch straps, mouse pad bases, t-shirts, basketball shorts, and even underwear. My comfort setup is as soft as my softest link.
11:42 p.m. - I've changed my wifi hotspot names to josephcantrell.org with suffixes of Goldsplasher, Cyanweaver, Scarletheel, Prismancer, Misteye, Crimsokneel, Furlongrayer, and lastly and to be changed, Nightpalms.
March 21, 2022: 2:08 p.m. - Apparently the Estes company of the nineties inventing Adderall and ruining the greatness of racemic amphetamine is poked at in An Ocean Between Us by As I Lay Dying and South Park's Butters' Very Own Episode. It also pokes fun at how it can be used to make ADHD people more vulnerable and submissive by giving them more dopaminergic dextroamphetamine and less noradrenergic levoamphetamine, thus causing them to chase people fueled by sadistic dextroamphetamine and methylphenidate as well as sadistic illicit drugs like cocaine and meth.
<Retrospective> 4/5/22: I was thinking about this again today, and it was Shire that was the company I was thinking. I'm not sure where I read about Estes. Perhaps it was a name of a researcher. I thought it was a company that was later acquired by Shire. Perhaps it is and I just can't find it anymore. Perhaps I was mistaken. It's also a word in Spanish. I have no idea how I got those confused in my head. It's simply a misnomer.
March 22, 2022: 7:31 p.m. - I still see rainbow lines, red slashes, and lattices with the brief occasional appearance of a simple rainbow traced face with white innards. It's now 57 days since I quit amphetamine, and I'm still hallucinating as a result of my cells learning to protect themselves from my addiction and other harm.
7:46 p.m. - The pain behind in my right eye is returning despite the numbness of all my body, especially my upper lip. I drank a big cup of Luzianne sweet tea and smoked some browns within the past ninety minutes.
March 23, 2022: 6:54 p.m. - Given that programmed machines can easily replace most humans performing physical tasks like organizing, assembling, pricing, and verifying groceries, cleanliness, and driving, more jobs will shift to the programming market. With prerequisites like a four year degree from a government accredited institution, the current "utility" of programming literacy tests is like the justification used to deny blacks and women the right to vote. Soon the surpluses of the world generated by technology like automation will be used to justify the rich holding the poor in motel cages of unemployment where they are bound to snap at these food "stamps" wrangling their limited joy from unreachable pillars and revolt in a new "tea party". The grandfathered rich and the few to be employed in the automated marketplace will reap the benefits of extended benefits like tea and cookies called cocaine, methylphenidate, Desoxyn, or whatever the hell rich people are feeding each other these days. Those resources will then be used to exploit the poor while they are persuaded to retain their subservience. The new form of slavery in light of massive surpluses cast the rich as bullfighters and the poor as bulls. The bulls do not need to work for their food, water, and shelter, but they are raised to be penetrated with swords of terror and brutality that kill for the rich and the poor who are placated by the rich in the hope they too can ascend in caste or status. This is the new welfare caste system which is better described as a communist caste society.
The surpluses of countries will pour in to decimate their enemies in the name of "kindness" or "education" just like the immigration of Cuban jail dregs in Scarface. Given limits on immigration, this is a stretch, but the Chinese and more importantly the allegedly "democratic" Indians have four times as many people as the United States such that they could replace our entire population and overrule our democracy if we let them. Unchecked immigration from Mexico and south of Mexico ("south Mexico") can also further this goal of destabilizing the United States. These companies claim the talent pool in the United States is small enough to justify hiring expatriates, but I'm proof these companies are simply not even trying. The United States should further restrict its immigration policy like Japan's difficult naturalization process, and as such I support Donald Trump and the Republicans with their great immigration policies confronting this issue improperly deemed as "racist" by their antagonists. The Great Southern Wall of America should be built and patrolled not only by people but by the same types of drones drug smugglers would use to carry drugs over them. A moat canal should be built on the American side of the wall. That's a long dig project, but most of the digging can be automated by machines anyway. It's simple: program the AI to recognize the hole isn't deep enough, and have it move forward and dig like a shovel from the ground below and haul the dirt to make some type of tourist hill attraction like The Great American Trade Hills.
I just divided and titled my life noted here into chapters. I like creating some sort of concrete titular reference to summarize portions of my life.
March 24, 2022: 1:26 p.m. - I can't find a single phone that functions well anymore. They all have rounded screen corners that clip the contents, notches and holes etched in the screen, restrictions hampering root access, the swapping of task switch and menu button functionality leading to the complete removal of a menu key, and flagship phones over six inches which are too big to comfortably hold and use.
The Android operating system itself has devolved in terms of its user interface since KitKat with the removal of dark backgrounds, the selection of only one background app task or tab at a time with task switching in the modern day of browser tabs and Windows OS, and the moving of the clock from the group of status indicators in the top right. The battery icon still does not have an overlay showing the percentage inside the icon and takes up lots of space beside the icon. Cyanogenmod has has this feature for over ten years.
March 26, 2022: 3:16 a.m. - I'm going to wait for Microsoft to make some sort of decision on my application. If they refuse to work with me, then I'll send out another round of applications. If by early May I have received NOTHING in good faith for my future, me and these rich, fat fuckeries of a caste system will die ONCE and for all.
March 27, 2022: 3:56 a.m. - I beat Borderlands again. This time I noted the metaphor of death as the final boss, The Destroyer. It crawled back into its portal to remain forever. Death is eternal. The guardian enemies had skulls for heads yet no mouths to continue feeding like an ordinary organism. Before that, I remember Josh proclaimed The Destroyer to be the vagina monster. It also looks like a metaphor for sex given it pierced Commandant Steele in her uterus area before beginning the fight. Claptrap is an obvious STD metaphor just like in the sequel.
4:29 a.m. - I don't support the death penalty. I support increasingly intense methods of reformation including everything from pleasant persistence, book learning, and television like South Park's moral statements to extreme methods of reformation like long term drug treatment with amphetamine which is necessary for me.
To solve the problem of curiosity and expanding horizons through trying all classes of drugs including opioids, there could be safe ingestion centers run by the government where people could sign up to try dangerous drugs like once or twice in their lifetime, and then walk away forever like I did. I satisfied my curiosity of things like heroin and cocaine, and I've walked away forever. I feel no shame in expanding my ideas of my own neurology in the manner I did by trying lots of different drugs. I only get to live one time, and I'm glad I managed to experience that part of life. I would never surrender my life over to a useless addiction like heroin when I have already sworn my life to amphetamine due to neurodegenerative ADHD. There is no easy solution to the age old "curiosity killed the cat" problem.
8:39 p.m. - I woke up at 5 p.m. Drinking sweet tea still makes me see red slashes, faded single color lattices, and less often, some vague resemblances of rainbow faces. Everything is less than 30% opacity.
9:21 p.m. - The pain in my right eye comes back as I peak on the sweet tea. It is proportional to the amount of sweet tea I drink.
March 29, 2022: 2:08 a.m. - Breezy will be eating Hormell Chili Cheese Macaroni I'm going to make for him so he gets his micronutrient, caloric and protein necessities.
March 30, 2022: 4:45 a.m. - I'm super itchy after drinking this glass of Luzianne sweet tea. I can see lots of red slashes.
March 31, 2022: 7:03 a.m. - I still see red slashes. Given everything I've witnessed, I'm not very optimistic about my future, but I will remain optimistic nevertheless. My head hurts on the top left side and is very itchy. I'm rather restless. This amphetamine addiction will wax and wane just like my ADHD. It will also compound with my ADHD since it is the remedy to my cells' woes.
7:19 a.m. - I actually feel pretty happy despite my head hurting. I'm alternating between hopeless sadness and happiness.
7:18 p.m. - I just woke up. I can see about ten red slashes almost one cm in thickness, one meter in length, and two cm apart in a row down my white wall. They are all rotated about ten degrees. They stayed for about three seconds and are coming back every so often but not for that long again.
7:22 p.m. - I just saw the same imagery but rotated about eighty degrees and running the entire length of about three meters down my wall. They were still about one centimeter thickness but about ten centimeters apart with the entire imagery of red slashes being about one meter in width.
7:27 p.m. - Now the red slashes are much more chaotic and quickly appearing and vanishing as red and other solid colored lattices also form. My ADHD looks to always be much worse upon awakening.
11:28 p.m. - Playing Fallout New Vegas, me as the courier getting shot in the head, left for dead, and looted of a platinum chip make more sense. Platinum is like silver and a shiny color close to white like my NMDA deficit hallucinations. The platinum chip is also like the Platinum Club where I got that STD which shook up my disorder to make it worse. I just killed Benny and am on track to kill Mr. House. Benny could be a sort of metaphor for the MDA problem as "been E" makes sense given E, MDMA, metabolizes to MDA.
April 1, 2022: 5:08 a.m. - I finished watching Akame ga Kill again. The story is a metaphor for becoming older and slaying the traditional childish portion of oneself. The child emperor using the gigantic ancient relic was defeated by Tatsumi's evolving relic, guillotined, and buried. As I am older, such biological aspects of myself like those used to grow myself taller are forever buried. For me, it means bearing the curse of Akame's blade (my disorder or an STD) and learning to use the colorful facets of my ADHD depicted in the anime. The very end where Akame eliminates the target in front of her, the watcher of the anime, is a delightful representation of the end of a human's biological clock: a human's programmed suicide by age. Perhaps something like that will be one of my last sights. I still expect a parade; there is the matter of those beautiful golden adornments shown in Lione and the ending song's flower petals. The red slashes at the end of the show are just like what I'm seeing now. The Pumpkin relic is very much like amphetamine in that it amplifies my body's strength under duress, and it's orange like the typical amphetamine tablet. I always took a capsule though.
April 2, 2022: 8:17 a.m. - My left eye felt a sharp pain after drinking some sweet tea filled with about twenty blueberries. It gives it a light flavor that is pleasant, and eating the tea soaked blueberries after is great too. Perhaps the blueberries soaked in tea can slow the absorption of the sweet tea contained within, which would extend the stimulating effects of its caffeine. A minute has passed in the writing of that, and now my scalp itches just above the left of my forehead's hairline.
April 3, 2022: 4:12 a.m. - Speed Timer v1.3 notes:
Alt+# keys can be used to quickly change the window size where # corresponds to the following resolutions
1-1080p
2-720p
2-720p
3-450p
4-270p
5-180p
9-1440p
0-2160p/4K
Saved window resolution to user preferences
Organized some sloppy code
Bug fixes: fixed cursor position to text entry end during initial tab key cycling through text entries
April 4, 2022: 2:32 a.m. - Mirroring Fixes, Prophet Launcher v5.01 notes:
Updated the look of female Skirteasey and Fuchsiakura skins with the second layer on their skirts (I forgot to transfer this from Inkscape to Godot in v5.0)
Updated Skirteasey's left leg to be horizontally aligned with her right so she does not walk off the ground on maps that aren't Mirrorain
Added a pointed star variety to Misthaven
Lengthened spawn growing from "infinitesimal" animation
Added Shadow to prophets lore
Bigger and more visible Shadow and its white eyes
Fullscreen is finally saved to user preferences by preceding OS.window_fullscreen with OS.window_maximized and OS.window_borderless flags
Diction updates
Bug fixes: Fixed higher ground collision of new Mirrorain map with other skins, fixed shooting allowed after death with my new set_process() method, fixed ground and wall positions not moved around correctly after adding Mirrorain, Shadow is now visible on Mirrorain, Shadow transparency is now consistently altered using the Sprite node and never the Area2D
April 5, 2022: 6:50 a.m. - I can still see the NMDA and PCP2 inhibition just like my last few entries.
April 6, 2022: 1:20 a.m. - I woke up at 12 a.m. I still doubt the authenticity of anything I might find in the job market. These are the numbers I've calculated and put on the front page of my website to try to help get a job. Unemployed and searching for: 20.1 months (601.6 days) as PHP server side calculated. Bank account balance: $0 for 3.4 months then less than $0 (overdrawn) for 60.29667 days as calculated with client side vanilla JavaScript in functions.js. I don't know how much more quickly my neural releasing rates are decelerating, and I don't want to find out nor do I want to keep my whole life and genetics shrouded in mystery at the whim of some shadow organizations. I can't believe out of all seven billion people out there, I can't find a single autobiography, case study, or description of the abnormal things I've witnessed in my life.
I'm playing Counter Strike right now. The internet has been intermittently cutting out again. It stopped briefly then started again the day of my last Microsoft interview. I had uninterrupted access for the past week until yesterday morning. They're just trying to screw me over again like all the other times I've documented. The Velocity IT company should be known for decelerating people's thoughts, and Extended Stay America should be known for making people want to quickly leave. If I have it my way I'll move across the country and live and work somewhere away from people like that.
3:38 a.m. - I vaped a small amount of DMT, about 1 mg of dust, and I felt a pleasant glimmer of confidence, hope, and recognition that overshadowed my addiction. I hacked up a bunch of foul, viscous fluid in the sink.
3:53 a.m. - I only had two cups of Breezy's dog food Diamond Naturals Beef flavor. I gave him half a container of Maruchan Ramen Noodles and three spoonfuls of my Hormel chili. I hope easing it in like that for a day will help, but ideally I should have eased in half that amount yesterday.
4:01 a.m. - Breezy ate all his food short a few morsels sticking to the bowl. I thought he would either lick the bowl completely clean or avoid it because of it contains nine of the spiciest peppers in the world.
5:41 a.m. - I just ate 6 mg of amphetamine from the little bit in my bag. I have less than 5 mg left including what's stuck to the bag. I'm holding onto that. I can feel my scalp tingling at the top, and I can see rainbow faces start to appear. I'm drinking some sweet tea and smoking some avb right now too to amplify the effects.
10:08 a.m. - I played some Rainbow Six Siege. I have an intense pain like a 1 cm diameter hole is being drilled in the center of my forehead.
April 7, 2022: 2:06 a.m. - I feel a burning sensation in my left eye as it expelled something. The feeling in my eye reminds me of how I felt vaping DMT a few months ago. I also have a decent pain in my right temple.
2:41 a.m. - My vision is fragmenting into long red slashes, and I as type this, a white and rainbow face smiles at me with eyes atop my laptop screen frame and a mouth curling around the bottom. The sweet tea I drank a bit ago amplified that.
5:54 a.m. - One of the teeth in the middle of the right side of my lower jaw has hurt for the past couple hours. This is due to the amphetamine I dosed yesterday.
7:07 a.m. - Behind my right eye hurts again. I've been playing Fallout New Vegas for a bit now. I'm finally getting around to doing the first three DLC. I was going to play the Borderlands DLC since that got me through March, but I decided against it as I don't really like any of them. The last one, Claptrap's Robot Revolution, sounds interesting so I might replay that one.
1:35 p.m. - I survived almost ten years without my ADHD medication from age twelve to almost age twenty-two. With my age and my newfound and still unknown STD's factoring into the equation, it appears I now will have less maximum time free of my medication than that. Given the rapidity with which I devolved in light of not only those two factors but coronavirus as well, I'd say even medicating for years at a time will only buy me five years of time max, but that is only an estimate. I can only say for sure that it will be less than nine years.
April 8, 2022: 10:44 a.m. - I'm supposed to hear back from Microsoft today for next rounds of interviews. I hope that works out since I have lots to contribute to them across their array of services like websites, video games, and operating system applications. After that, I'll send out another slew of applications. I'm back on LinkedIn until I finish getting a job. I'm going to delete it again after getting a job because I don't want to use social media even for keeping tabs on family and friends.
I read tobacco and alcohol were traded between Native Americans and Europeans in the early 1500's. Since the problems rooted in me are forged from a rare genetic mishap from a combination of both these substances, it looks like my ADHD wasn't around until at least four hundred thirty years ago. However, amphetamine as a remedy didn't exist until about 1920 (officially), so there was a period of about three hundred thirty years where no person with my rare affliction could possibly avoid the suicidal tendencies calculated by their decelerating neural firing rate. These people likely died before age 10 or were physically restrained and unable to read, listen, or talk in sentences if even in words. It probably occurred similarly to my affliction, but I'm unsure if those children with ADHD would even be able to accomplish holistic interpretation of the first sentence whereas I never devolved past the third: Please exit now before the radio station is closed. -> Please exit now. -> Exit. -> E. X. I. T. I used a The Texas Chainsaw 2 example because it's a great descriptor of my problem if not the best.
April 9, 2022: 8:39 a.m. - I didn't hear back from Microsoft. I suppose I won't be able to work for them given my limited internet resources to access telephones for interviews. I'll give them a call back just in case. Also, it prevents detachment of job application denials. They're always hiring anyway. I am overqualified to be a web developer with almost five years of experience running my own website after learning PHP working as a web developer for Georgia Tech CoC. I have various 2D and 3D video games produced using a cross platform game engine with the GDScript Python-like which I also learned myself. I've done that for four years now. I have a four year degree from a top ten university, two years of programming work experience counting my internships, and four other years of part time IT work.
1:17 p.m. - I see splotches of color about a centimeter in diameter flash across my vision as red slashes appear around the words I type. There was a new, distinct sharp pain in the back of my head for about five seconds. Other than that, my right temple still hurts and I itch all over.
1:24 p.m. - The pain in the back of my head is coming back. It feels like a typical knife is being jammed in there over and over.
April 10, 2022: 5:45 a.m. - I see faces curling up amidst the lattices. Red slashes are absent and have been fading in and out with a wavelength period of a few days. The back of my head felt that stabbing pain again for a few seconds just now.
5:47 a.m. - The stabbing pain in the back of my head returned with a lower amplitude of pain and a smaller wavelength period. Aside from that, I've finished Fallout New Vegas's Dead Money which is a lot less fun without the landscape to traverse in 2pi radians of directions.
April 11, 2022: 7:53 a.m. - I have sharp pain pulsating behind the top left side of my left eye. I wonder what in my ADHD and amphetamine addiction causes these specific pains. I wonder how it factors into my neural network. I know amphetamine basically forges the necessary parts of my neural network responsible for sight. I see crimson slashes across my grey wall while I sit in the dark and type this. As I look at the black Sublime Text window on my screen, they form there too. My vision also blurs, and it takes more work to look into my outside world.
7:57 a.m. - The pain has been going on for four minutes now. Every day it's some new pain in some new spot whose cells are tormented by the oscillating necessity for amphetamine.
4:45 p.m. - The pain in my left eye returned right on time from around 3:10 to 4:00.
April 13, 2022: 7:32 a.m. - Reading the Bible again, my favorite books from the Bible are Genesis and Matthews. Genesis details the creation of Earth with original sin of Adam, Eve, and the serpent of the forbidden fruit tree in the middle of the garden while Matthews notes the sacrifice and subsequent resurrection of Jesus for the remembrance of the defeat of sin. I remember when I was like ten and in church at my friend Raechel's community baptist church, the book of Obadiah which was described to me as "the book of over there" which describes respecting the plight of people over there. I'm going to incorporate Christianity and some metaphors from the Bible in my 2D medieval and magic anime girl game that is yet untitled. I've made good strides in writing the script like I used to do with things like Krelzor's Quest which had multiple sheets of paper, front and back, with drawings of creatures like Pokemon and progression notes like Pokemon Mystery Dungeon.
April 17, 2022: 4:04 p.m. - As I switched from Oblivion to Sublime Text to write the script for my anime girl game, I see giant red slashes appearing all over again. They appeared so suddenly and are certainly a partial result of my ingestion of a glass of sweet tea. I couldn't even see them until this time of day. 3 p.m. is when I would most often feel the greatest effects of my amphetamine regimen, and this is the time of what would be that dose.
I finished Fallout New Vegas at around 62 hours and concluded with blowing up The Strip with "tiny tots" five piece cluster mini nukes. I'm continuing to interview with Microsoft and will have to go to a close public library to ensure a stable connection.
April 19, 2022: 11:16 a.m. - I couldn't settle on anything to do for very long yesterday. Oblivion is hard to grind through. I felt more content as I went to sleep yesterday. I woke today and watched two episodes of Claymore whereas I have previously been watching them one at a time in the middle of the day. I see faint lattices forming in the wall in front of me, and my skin is lacerated with crimson slashes when I stare at it. My computer screen has the same effects. There are about 30-40 red slashes at a time all about 20 cm long and rotated about pi/6 radians; they are very numerous today. They appeared rather equidistant instead of the more chaotic formations I've been seeing lately.
11:42 a.m. - It feels like the right side of my head is moving around. First it felt like a rift along the side, then a lightning strike, and finally some sort of bubbling sensation. Now I can feel a pressure in the left side of my head and the ravine sensation I feel is back to the right side of my head. This is the time when levoamphetamine would be at maximum effect in my body.
6:42 p.m. - The Sandy Springs Library has a very limited amount of space for me to conduct job interviews. I was told I wouldn't be able to secure a five hour block, so I'll have to call Dunwoody to ask them. I assumed there would be lots of space only because the Columbus Public Library was a massive three or four story building. There's another library close, but their meeting rooms are closed for COVID-19.
April 21, 2022: 4:11 p.m. - The government website for Atlanta COVID-19 rental assistance modified their website for eligibility for residents outside of Atlanta. This was in the last couple months though the perimeter Atlanta residents have been able to receive assistance since August. Despite my hesitance to use welfare in light of the strange events surrounding my life, I'm capitulating with a request by an ESA motel employee to seek the rental assistance. The reliance on government welfare disposes of the urgency that used to surround unemployment, and unemployment for years will become seen as the norm. I've been unemployed for 20.6 months and only intended to take 3-4 weeks off from my old Verizon Connect job. Given my vast portfolio, positive attitude, aptitude, work experience of many years in programming and IT, and my top ten computer science degree from Georgia Tech, my estimates were unemployment for three months max. Instead, I've been followed and chided by a various unknown groups of black, white, and latino people definitely in gangs which feed on the misery of their fellow brethren.
5:52 p.m. - I submitted an application for rental assistance since I quit my job after contracting COVID-19. I had become paranoid and wished for some time off before seeking a new job. I suspect COVID-19 had some unknown effects on the myriad of neural systems affected by my ADHD. After some time I decided I didn't want to wait a year or two to relocate to the cold, northwest coast and started looking for a new job in Seattle after researching where I want to move.
April 22, 2022: 5:48 p.m. - I got back from the ~1.2 miles walk to Walmart, and while cooling off, the crimson slashes are raining across my vision. They are rainbow traced this time. When I departed to Walmart, I was drinking sweet tea from a bottle along the way like something out of Trailer Park Boys. Upon drinking the first sip amidst the blazing southern heat, I began to itch all over but especially in my left top head and chest.
April 25, 2022: 12:53 p.m - During my interview, I see red slashes forming and dropping as if my gravity. I see colored circles and squares too which is rather unusual. I drank some sweet tea an hour ago. Blue and green colored slashes are also present which is also unusual.
Suggestions for Microsoft: Allow 2 factor authentication with Google Voice and other free phone numbers.
MS Teams bugs on browsers:
I can't see MS Teams screen share sometimes, notably when switching viewing mode from Gallery to Large Gallery and Together modes. I could only see the screen share of my presenter by leaving and rejoining the meeting.
The background blur feature has a toggle that switches itself back off while at the join meeting screen or waiting for the meeting to start.
Background blur won't apply while waiting to join the meeting after clicking Join.
1:03 p.m. - I see 5 cm diameter white rings on my computer screen and I saw a purple rectangle surrounding a box on screen. When I looked away, the after image was still there, but it wasn't an outline of the box, it was a purple rectangle on its own. Now as I type, I see like twenty .5 cm wide red slashes very close together and angled at pi/9 radians. They were very long and almost overlapping, and they were also one after another with about a .25 cm gap between them and a 1 cm gap between rows.
1:30 a.m. - The internet still randomly cuts off at 30 minute intervals. Sometimes it changes to hour intervals. The people here basically let me know they were doing it on purpose a while back. I've been living like this for a year now. I've created my first story driven 3D game, For My Aspect, I've updated Prophet Launcher and Infernight quite a bit, and I've applied to so many jobs over this past year. All of this has been with the people around me shadowing me with documented efforts at feeding on manufactured misery.
May 1, 2022: 11:45 p.m. - I drank some sweet tea and smoked some of the one half bowl of avb I have left. I'm now seeing the red slashes, lattices, and random spurts of flying singular colors.
2:21 a.m. - I've been playing Fallout New Vegas for just over 73 hours over this past 35 days or so. That doesn't count the time I played where the game crashed and I needed to restart from a checkpoint. It's been about 10 years since I last beat that game. That's about 10% of my time that's been spent playing that game. It's been great with mods and the slow motion VATS replacement was definitely the best one. It's like the adrenaline rush in real life. I'm having trouble finding a replacement game. IlIlI Iliad
May 3, 2022: 6:14 p.m. - I woke this evening to many red slashes and lattices.
May 4, 2022: 10:15 p.m. - I can sometimes feel some finger pricking sensations, and my fingers feel rather fragile right now. I think it is related to my vast consumption of Luzianne sweet tea. I think it is best I cease sweet tea operations for today. I've been drinking over five sodas worth of sweet tea sugar every day for about three months now.
12:16 a.m. - I'm going to drink a glass of sweet tea now. I'm sure everything is fine. I'll probably lie down and get tired when I need to stop for a bit. Competitive eaters like Matt Stonie do the craziest stuff, so I'm sure my casual sweet tea drinking is fine. I think I'm just a little worked up from watching too many Wilford Brimley parodies.
7:24 a.m. - Things are getting rather boring, so I ate half of my amphetamine rations. I only have the little bit stuck to the bag which I will soon also consume and be on my way to begin anew.
May 5, 2022: 10:04 p.m. - I'm a little nauseous after drinking sweet tea. It's nothing compared to the middle of both 2018 and 2019.
10:14 p.m. - I just did some pushups. I'm less nauseous but super itchy all over. The nausea peaked a couple minutes ago right before the pushups. I think the exercise may have had some effect on the addiction problem, but I am unsure.
10:17 p.m. - My right temple hurts, and my left temple is starting to hurt now too. The nausea is coming back in waves. Red slashes are all over, and lattices are there too. I looked at my palm and saw red slashes that traced the middle of my fingers to my palm. Each finger had one slash. They stayed there for about three or four seconds before I looked away which is longer than the recent visuals I've had.
10:31 p.m. - After doing another set of pushups, I think I can confirm they are increasing the itching withdrawal sensation I perceive. It doesn't increase nausea or pain. Perhaps it decreases them. This effect is probably only in relation to the stimulation provided by sweet tea which inhibits an inhibitory signal and allows certain neurons to increase their action potentials. I'm uncertain of the details of the adenosine system.
May 8, 2022: 12:16 a.m. - I'm switching Breezy to ground chuck beef and Ramen noodles.
7:56 a.m. - I took a two hour nap, and I awoke to about 40 bright red and violet small spots all arrayed in my vision with some connected by lines of the same color. While the gold spots were rainbow traced and about 20 cm in diameter, these were only 2-3 millimeters in diameter. There was something distinct about those gold spots. I think these were just NMDA hallucinations, but how am I supposed to know? Right now, I can see lattices in my vision with a slight cartoon, goofy rainbow face peering at me from the corner of my right eye.
May 12, 2022: 2:57 p.m. - It's been a long job wrapping up my work with Skirteasey and Mirrorain this past month as I fix some details. I suppose much of this struggle is the newfound ways I changed the backgrounds and character models in place while part of the blame lies in my newfound usage of Inkscape (and now OpenToonz) even though I have been working with Adobe products in the past. Making customization options available mid game was a great idea and well worth the complexity increase. Now I've finally noticed I forgot to export the big sheen in Skirteasey's right eye! I used two reflections in her right eye and one in her left, and I made them slivers smaller than the pupil. For Autumn in my upcoming RPG, I'm thinking about using larger spots or slivers that are bigger than the pupil and sort of take its place.
Prophet Launcher v5.02 notes:
Fixed missing sheen on Skirteasey's right eye
May 13, 2022: 7:46 a.m. - It's Friday the 13th. I'm reminded of myself drowning in the deep end of a swimming pool while my mom and her friends got drunk not far away inside. It was with some family member like a cousin or something with a Jacuzzi and pretty big one story house. I did not yet know how to swim as I had failed to learn the doggy paddle information bestowed by my family, and as a novice of about five years of age, I clumsily drifted out of the edge of the shallow end in the black of early night. I called out for help as I went under and resurfaced again and again.
My mouth began to fill with water as I choked out words my mother and company could not hear with music and alcohol thick in the air. Flailing my arms, I panicked as I began to accept death. I luckily managed to flail enough to push myself to the rim of the pool and grasp it. I remember my hand slipping from the edge the first time I tried to grab it which exacerbated my worry. However, I got a firm grip on the edge of the pool and held on for dear life as I inhaled gasps of salvation. I climbed along the side of the pool until I got back to the shallow end and climbed out to rest. I'd say I was lucky to survive that night, but my survival was beautifully calculated. I still remember the details because it was a paramount moment in continuity of my life.
The metaphor of the movie Friday the 13th is casting someone drowning by a blind eye on a frolicking Friday night as unlucky. This is precisely the situation in which I find myself. More horrid are the references to lightning, fire, rain, eye pain, blood marks, white masks, and rising from the dead. Paired with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, it's an ADHD nightmare.
8:35 a.m. - Behind my right eye and the middle of my forehead are hurting a bunch. My right eye hurts much more than my forehead. I can see the familiar red slashes and lattices. My sweet tea hurts! I am drowning in sweet tea.
9:50 a.m. - It's been a two month hiring process at Microsoft. I can't really type any specifics about it because of workplace confidentiality, but I've done four coding exams, four days with 6-8 hours of interviews, and seven different days of interviews in total. I was told I would have a decision relayed back in two weeks exactly fifteen days ago, and since over fifty percent of applicants are accepted, I still have high hopes given my background and prospects.
11:58 a.m. - I'm super itchy after downing some sweet tea. Watching an episode of Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid was difficult sometimes because my vision was blurring and clearing. I can see a smile form in my computer with the eyes at the top and a winding smile at the bottom. It's like a smiley face drawn with the paint brush tool with a thickness of about a centimeter..
May 15, 2022: 11:47 a.m. - I slept about 11 hours last night which was great. I've started playing Fallout 3 again. I can still see crimson rips forming in my vision. Lattices form in front of me, and rainbow and milky smiles form in my periphery.
3:55 p.m. - I drank some sweet tea two hours ago. My head hurts a bunch especially in my left temple. It feels like it's bubbling and other times my skin feels like its flowing on the inside.
3:57 p.m. - Right now, it feels like my upper right back head is pulsating outwards in an area the size of a pinpoint. My entire right temple is pounding too. My left temple now feels fine. Red slashes are everywhere.
May 16, 2022: 9:16 a.m. - I'm doing some weighted pushups with a backpack full of fifty-five pounds of steel weights, two reams of printer paper, two filled half liter water bottles, a small toolkit, a small hammer, and a whipped cream dispenser. Visual anomalies are persisting.
11:18 a.m. - Remembering the MDA fiasco before, it is imperative that I do not entertain any notion of finishing an amphetamine cycle with anything but MDMA. No MDA, no dextroamphetamine, no unknown psychedelics, and no unknown dissociatives are to be used in the following two months unless I have used MDMA the night before. That fourth day after quitting amphetamine was pure hell back then on 1/4/21. It is my worst day in memory by far. The longitudinal misery of 2017 pales in comparison to that spike in my life.
May 17, 2022: 6:35 a.m. - To confirm I can receive COVID-19 payments, I need some documentation showing my wages and separation from Verizon Connect in 2020. I'm contacting Chad from HR and sending another apology and corrective retrospective thoughts. I should have taken personal time off as soon as I knew I had COVID-19. I'm not sure why I didn't. It's irrelevant now as I can't change the past, so I shouldn't keep berating myself for the mistakes I've made the past few years.
May 19, 2022: 7:10 a.m. - I just finished reading The Best Christmas Pageant Ever again. It's a short novel I last read in elementary school: first as a group in Mrs. Carty's third grade glass and again on my own in the fifth grade. The miscreant character flaws in the Herdman family are hilarious. Mary, wife of Joseph and mother of Jesus, smoking cigars in the women's bathroom was one of the better laughs. Yesterday I watched a documentary about Hitler's life from 1961 which was informative. Hitler was a loony and definitely suffered from grandiose desires inspired by meth. However, people don't need sadistic drugs to do things like the Holocaust. Religion, war, slavery, and genocide were around long before people had access to things like industrial methamphetamine and coca leaves. Drugs like dopamine and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors amplify those personalities and allow them to exist despite the human body's biologically typical abhorrence to violence against fellow people.
Serotonin reuptake inhibitors are often prescribed for depressed people, but I can't specifically comment on their long term psychological effects because I've never used them outside the context of 3-MeO-PCP. Given my reaction to the small effects of SRI through 3-MeO-PCP and what I've learned through my psychology class at Georgia Tech, I'd say SRI drugs are okay in the context of the long term psychological health of civilization.
It's unfortunate I can't seem to dissociate using 3-MeO-PCP anymore, but I'm glad my natural evolution has allowed me to achieve that by training myself with cycles of amphetamine. It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I can dissociate fully by simply losing my mind and declining in bodily neural function, I can have the painful pleasure of dissociating by medicating with amphetamine, or I can find NMDA and PCP-2 alternatives like DXM, MXE, and 3-HO-PCE. I can fully dissociate by medicating with amphetamine for which I'm grateful. There's nothing I'd rather be doing than living my life keeping to myself.
9:53 a.m. - Red slashes fade into view when I look at the ceiling after drinking a glass of blueberry sweet tea. Lattices hold position and remain constant while the red slashes fade in and out. Misty crescent rainbows creep in from my periphery as faint smiles about 45 cm in diameter peer at me from my computer screen.
3:37 p.m. - I'm getting an offer from Microsoft! This hopefully starts a new chapter in my life.
<<My Purity Ring of Resurgence>>
May 20, 2022: 9:12 a.m. - I must remember never to feed Breezy any of my meals with pepperjack cheese in them because it contains traces of toxic garlic. Even in minute quantities it can be harmful. He started having diarrhea last night, but he looks fine.
6:43 p.m. - According to a JavaScript function I put on my website's home page, I was unemployed and searching for 645 days since I put in a GitHub application. Here are the calculated statistics as of right now:
Unemployed and searching for: 21.6 months (646.8 days) as PHP server side calculated
Bank account balance: $0 for 4.9 months then less than $0 (overdrawn) for 105.48807 days as calculated with client side vanilla JavaScript in functions.js
That was an intense period of my life. I'm ready to metaphorically and literally start a new chapter here.
8:40 p.m. - I have been writing my script for Cherished Spirit of Autumn, my newfound tentative title for my video game about an atheist heroine in a Christian medieval kingdom. I've settled on her defeating the corrupt Lord Joseph of the Aral Kingdom. I've been writing it for forty-two days now.
8:58 p.m. - Large .5 to 2 cm thick red slashes appear in my vision with about 3-4 of them visible at one time. My center forehead also hurts a lot. It's strange feeling the creative writing urge in the preface of my recent cup of sweet tea followed by this pain.
May 21, 2022: 7:33 p.m. - I just ate about 5 more mg of amphetamine stuck to my little bag. I'm surprised how much is really stuck to the edges! There's certainly not much now. I may or may not eat the rest of it depending on when I leave Atlanta for Seattle.
May 24, 2022: 1:05 p.m. - I just finished Fallout 3 again since playing it in my Georgia Tech dorm eight years ago. This time, I played the DLC and used a bunch of mods. The DLC wasn't very good except for the third one which was a big open bayou filled with zombie rednecks. I drank some sweet tea an hour and a half ago, and my center forehead is killing me like someone is pressing a 3 cm diameter circular rod onto it. I just measured the pained area with a tape measure.
10:07 p.m. - I'm looking at homes in Seattle since my goal is to stop renting, save money, and settle as soon as possible. My old yard was pretty big and 1,174 square feet. I'm looking for a two story house with no HOA, more square feet, and big windows.
10:36 p.m. - After looking around for a bit, I'm looking at houses in the $600,000 to $700,000 price range.
May 27, 2022: 5:09 p.m. - Two weeks ago, I lost my power rack and most of my stuff again. I let the storage company auction it. I still don't have a sustainable life anyway. I also just got a notification slipped under my door that I must pay my outstanding balance of about $12,000 to ESA or face eviction on June 6. This means I have until July 6 to move out or face dying as a homeless throwaway. I have until September to spread my message. This just speeds up the process by two months. Anyway, I should be in Seattle by July 6, but if for some reason I'm still not hired on by Microsoft due to some reversal, this speed up is actually appreciated. These past two years of unknown status have been pure hell, and they were calculated by corporate shadow organizations. Looking back on it all, I am justified in bettering myself and crawling out of this shit filled manhole.
9:56 p.m. - Life is fake news. Fake news is life. Death is fake news. Fake news is death. Fake news is life and death.
I got a Chime bank account, and the debit card arrived. However, my account has been locked before I could even use it. I emailed review@chime.com to fix it. It's not so great this arbitrary barrier happened so quickly. I've read reports of randomly locked accounts before which is in line with randomly locked Wells Fargo accounts after visiting gas stations.
10:47 p.m. - I'm playing the original Bioshock. It still has segments reminiscent of my disorder, but it isn't so nearly in my face as in Bioshock Infinite.
May 28, 2022: 1:07 p.m. - I almost forgot about this possibility, but I'm going to try calling my aunt and cousin if the government rental assistance won't help me in time. All I need is some space for Breezy and me to stay and possibly some help getting to the airport to fly to Seattle. I've been researching, and it's going to cost about $2000 total to hold me over until my first paycheck. I truly underestimated the amount it would take me to live in a hotel in Seattle for up to three weeks, so I suppose it would be more like $3000.
After three days of not smoking, I smoked a little of the resin in my pipe. I never gave it a name! I also never gave my bong a name! I actually don't like naming inanimate objects in my house. If I should name anything, I should name my laptop, but it's name is just "my laptop" since I only have one. While lying back in my chair and staring at the ceiling in the dimmed glow of my computer screen, I saw an A in my ceiling formed of crimson slashes. Crimson claws ebb and flow in the ceiling with three different slices of my brain manifesting. For about one second, ten by ten lattices formed in my vision formed of bright white with traces of cyan around the edges.
2:51 p.m. - I woke up in the middle of the night last night to use the bathroom, and I also felt kind of bad in a way in which I can't remember. Thus I'm taking a break from sweet tea for today. My sweet tea withdrawal secondarily contributed to the hallucinations earlier in addition to head pain concentrated in my right temple which are a primary result of my amphetamine addiction intertwined with ADHD.
May 30, 2022: 2:41 p.m. - I woke up at about 7 a.m. to clean up Breezy's mess on the floor, and on going back to sleep, I was wrapped in many crimson rips in my vision. They're here now. With my ADHD, the hallucinations should intensify if I do not train those glutamate receptors to stabilize with amphetamine. They should go back to the levels they were before with massive colored squares and such in my vision and then intensify even beyond that point. I'm not sure what consequences that has on my consciousness. By the scientific theory of evolution, I assume it would have something to do with acquisition of an omnivorous diet. The red slashes are indicative of bleeding and claw marks. I'm not sure why the lattices appear. What visual symbolic representation could be explained by lattices drawn by my mind? I like them anyway. The holy sweet tea shall not be banished!
May 31, 2022: 5:24 p.m. - I just saw a very vivid crimson slash in my vision of about 100% opacity rather than the more recent semitransparent rips. To the side I see opaque, milky rainbow smiles curling up around my computer screen and mouse.
June 1, 2022: 5:51 p.m. - I finished Bioshock for the first time. There are nice metaphors with Atlas turning into Fontaine and being the blackened, humanoid target of my destruction. As a big daddy escorting the little sisters speaking of waiting angels, I free the little sisters into the surface Earth. It's like I died of old age in the self destruct sequence programmed into humans. Rapture will exist for me, and then it will cease. Atoms of Adam and Eve exist for me now but so too will they cease to exist. Angel sisters exist now for me, but even they will return to the cycle of Earth. The metaphors are nice. The lava flows of Hephaestus piped through the waters of Rapture creep me out.
9:46 p.m. - I wrote this down as an afterthought of Bioshock Infinite: one man's Rapture is another man's Columbia. Both endings are symbolic of death; the ending with the dispersal of the little sisters to Earth is analogous to the dispersal of Bookers and Elizabeths to different times and spaces.
June 2, 2022: 4:45 a.m. - I played Fable 3 for about a week not long ago and finished it three weeks ago on May 13. I really liked the white mist Road to Rule reminiscent of my dissociative adventures. The Darkness spouted typical yet spiteful rhetoric of permanent demise.
June 3, 2022: 9:54 p.m. - I see rainbow faces again. It's been so long. I suppose this will be the rest of my life, and for that I am quite content. It's been ten months since this all started with the biological shock of amphetamine rattling my life from its hinges.
June 5, 2022: 4:49 a.m. - I'm copying the interview preparation information I wrote in the preface to help me get a job. Now that I'm working with Microsoft, I don't want to have irrelevant information in my beautiful foreword.
Work motto: I continually aspire to innovate for a better world, and I hope to innovate new horizons for your company.
Examples:
Empathetic resolution - can't help IT customer at GT Helpdesk with laptop because it's policy not to touch machines not owned by GT, so I let them know I could talk them through it
Constructive feedback received resolution - I constructed Android screens for the Hum app using UI mockups from the Hum UI team. After creating them and aligning them with the UI team's specifications, I would receive feedback from the UI team to make sure the mockups and deliverable Android screens were in sync. Then, meetings with management would take place to make sure the app functioned as intended, and if necessary, I would make changes with the UI team based on the management's requests.
Exceeded expectations
Empowering teammates through teaching - created a core framework for the hum app in Kotlin and MVVM structure for rest of Verizon to use
Interview Questions:
What is my day to day role like at the company?
How is the team's and individual's day to day and week to week work organized using a sort of ticketing pipeline?
Cover Letters: I plan to immediately move to the for steady work in Seattle, Washington until I may retire and settle in a house in the suburbs of the Pacific Northwest.
I want to enhance my full stack programming skills to further my personal programming projects like my cross platform video games, PHP website doubling as a REST server, and my MySQL database. I have also settled on permanently settling down and retiring in the Portland and Seattle area.
I'm currently searching for an Atlanta software engineering position (preferably Android or JavaScript) which will give me good medical, vision, and dental insurance. I'm looking for a salary of around $100,000 or more. I'm a full stack developer, and I'm looking to acquire a position based on my current portfolio (no coding challenges).
Project I'm proud of: After three and a half years of developing video games in my spare time using the open source Godot game engine, I finally accomplished my goal of creating a 3D story driven game: For My Aspect. I began by creating a few prototypes and arcade style 3D games, and nine months later, I had the knowledge and assets to create For My Aspect, a first person horror game with a short sixty minute story. I outlined my story with a text script, and I made the game over about a month of dedicated work. The player wakes up stranded in a blizzard ridden cabin in the desolate Alaskan mountains with no clue of the whereabouts of his companion house cat. I made an edited trailer video to showcase my efforts, and I also made a longer, unedited playthrough video with spoilers to give more interested viewers a better idea of what they can expect. I love the work I did, and I plan to reuse the assets I built and continue the story in a bigger, open world RPG sequel with more player freedom.
Difficult software bug or challenge: I zip my website code and scp it to my DigitalOcean Ubuntu Apache server. My website code would not unzip for some reason after running my scp batch script. A manual scp revealed an error: my scp failed because my server was using all its space. So I googled the Ubuntu Linux commands to get the disk space and check which folders and files were using lots of disk space. I discovered some Ubuntu log files had overwhelmed the 20 GB SSD space I am allotted. I deleted the contents of the log folder, and then I was able to scp my files and unzip them for Apache to serve to visitors of my site.
Technical interests: In summer 2017, I created and still maintain a personal website with pure PHP, HTML, CSS, and JavaScript. I've found I can create reusable components with ease without the need for complicating my code and assets with higher level frameworks like NodeJS modules and ReactJS. My website works great on both desktop and mobile across a range of tested browsers. I have almost five years of experience maintaining my Digital Ocean Ubuntu server with Apache managing the serving of files to browsers.
I also enjoy working on Android because it's my favorite operating system given its open source customizability. I worked on native Android apps using Android Studio when I worked for Verizon Connect. I first learned to make native Android apps of my own accord with a weight lifting timer app created in Winter 2016 (5 years experience with native Android).
I've since discontinued that application, but I've replaced it with an open source timer and stopwatch application I created using Godot game engine and the various UI assets I've been steadily working on since February 2018 (4 years experience with Godot game engine). Before that, I briefly worked with Unity in summer 2017, but I chose to exclusively develop games with open source Godot so I may completely own my work, and I believe in the longevity of the open source game engine, Godot, having the most contributors.
Situation
Task
Action
Result
Reflection
Collaboration: Communicating effectively within the team and across teams.
Verizon Connect Java to Kotlin framework with only one partner for Android. We learned as we went.
Junior Design at GT with 3 week strict sprint schedules over two semesters
Drive for Results: Working tenaciously to deliver on commitments, constantly seeking bigger challenges, holding yourself and others accountable.
Junior Design at GT with 3 week strict sprint schedules over two semesters
Customer Focus: Our mission at Microsoft is to empower every person and every organization to achieve more.
I worked in CoC IT to help let faculty and staff reset their passwords both in person and through secure communication. I would need a few pieces of identifying information, and if they didn't have that, for security purposes I would be required to send them to the campus-wide IT department.
Technical Excellence: Demonstrates technical depth, problem solving, adaptability, and curiosity. Applies continuous learning to technical challenges.
Verizon Connect Java to Kotlin framework with only one partner for Android. We learned as we went.
Growth Mindset:
I started developing with Unity but later looked for an open source game engine to avoid royalties, reduce dependence on an external corporation, and scale my independent efforts with the massive size and thus quick progress of the open source community in mind.
Write test cases
State assumptions or ask more clarification
Integers only?
Positive numbers only?
Explain how I would rename variables and methods for clarity
Explain how I would comment the code
Ask for more efficient alternate method
June 5, 2022: 10:59 p.m. - Chime never answered my email about my account being locked before I could ever sign in. I got a debit card, but I'm not going to use Chime. It's like that annoying chirping in Mac and Dennis Go to the Suburbs. Do you hear that chiming sound? Anyway, after digging around, Ally seems like a good alternative to try. It looks to have better perks like 24/7 customer support which Chime does not maintain.
June 7, 2022: 8:42 p.m. - I got my offer info from Microsoft today.
401k, 20500 pretax and match 50%
no borrowing for edu, home, health care, stock
120k salary + 10k bonus + 2k relocation, airfare, and hotel + 70k stock bonus over 4 years + up to 24k personal annual bonus + up to 4k performance stock bonus over 5 years. That's $144,000 per year including my bonus. My first four years, I'll be getting $165k per year, but my MS stock would likely be worth much more than the 90k.
That's $90,789 after taxes or $106,000 after taxes if I factor in my maximum bonus. If I assume a half bonus, then I'll be getting $99,000 per year off the bat. With living expenses of $40,000 per year, I can expect to manifest savings of about $60,000 per year. Every month, I would be getting $7,500 and spending maybe $3,500 on survival to take home about $4,000.
A house down payment could be achieved within two years. I would spend $3000-$4500 depending on credit, $1500 for living expenses, and $1500-$3000 would go to savings. I need to rebuild my credit out of this hole I've dug.
4:08 a.m. - I'm a little sick and sneezing like crazy. It's not like when I used to sneeze like crazy in my room playing Xbox. I feel a little out of it. In any case, I drank a nice glass of Luzianne sweet tea and worked on my prototype of Cherished Spirit of Autumn. I started working on it by cloning Prophet Launcher three weeks ago on May 18. Now, Autumn is using the Skirteasey model, swinging a Zweihander at Zombie Jesus while blinking through the grassy plains. She can level up with a level up screen, xp bar, silver count. It's a good start. The skeleton of the game is there. Most of the work lies in drawing and animating enemies and scenery rather than programming.
June 9, 2022: 9 a.m. - I'm on episode 305 of Bleach right now. Fifteen years ago, I remember watching the Japanese episode 59 with Byakuya and Ichigo fighting in an air conditioned RV parked in a North Carolina campsite on a hot summer night. Everyone else was outside drinking, smoking, and eating. I was 11 years old. I saw my very first episode of that show when I was ten about a year before on Adult Swim. I was rather unamused by anime at that point. On my living room TV screen, the staking of Captain Aizen to a tower caught my eye as I was distracted by something else, and I latched onto it. Not long after, I saw the first episode of Bleach and started watching it on Adult Swim. This is my first time finishing the series. I only made it to about episode 130 back in middle school.
9:58 p.m. - I just woke up after sleeping about 11 hours. I woke up in the middle of the day and saw a rainbow scaled dragon tail curling up in my vision like a hook. I never saw the rest of the dragon because it all vanished in a chaotic rainbow swirl, and I passed back out. It was rather detailed and completely opaque compared to my more recent visions, but it only lasted about two seconds like the rainbow women with which I became enthralled last fall.
June 10, 2022: 9:22 a.m. - I finished the Arrancar arc of Bleach. Unfortunately, no Soul Society comrades died. Aizen's actions were as hollow as his constituents just as the Big Bad Wolf blowing down houses but failing to eat any piggy. I wonder if the black hand imagery at the end had any relation to my hallucinations the New Years after my mom's death in 2016.
10:49 p.m. - I just woke up. I can't believe it's taking four months from application to start date in the programming industry. It will have been 23+ months since I started casually looking for jobs.
June 11, 2022: 3:33 a.m. - I just ate some amphetamine by licking the top of my little bag. I last had a little bit three weeks ago. Now all I can do is lick the bottom of the bag and shake out my scales. I changed the name of my game from Cherished Spirit of Autumn to Cherish Spirit of Autumn to reference the command "cherish" and the name of magical energy called Cherish Spirit. I'm still having trouble figuring out how I want to balance level progression of health, Cherish Spirit reserves and their power, and physical attack power. That will take some time which I can devote after getting more artwork created. Last night, I drew a flying bee. It looks all right, but I need to substitute the gradients on its body with the black and yellow stripes using a texture I make in Paint.NET.
4:10 a.m. - I can see red slashes vigorously coming in. I drank some sweet tea with my amphetamine to maximize its effectiveness even if it might increase metabolism as I've read. I can't confirm whether or not it speeds up metabolism of amphetamine. I don't like to drink sweet tea with my levoamphetamine though. I prefer to take enough levoamphetamine such that I don't want to drink any sweet tea until it's run its course and the dextroamphetamine is in effect. After the levoamphetamine mostly passes, the dextroamphetamine is still in such force I must drink only 50% of the sweet tea I'm drinking now, else the wandering shadows draw ever too close.
4:54 a.m. - I'm playing Skyrim since the amphetamine caused it to carry a greater interest in me, and my forehead felt like it was being stabbed with a knife just to the right of the center. This happened for about twenty seconds just now.
June 15, 2022: 4:47 a.m. - I couldn't really see any red slashes yesterday, but I did see snow flurries of colors flying about. Today is different, and it looks like the oscillating nature of my cells are showing those again. The flurries of colors are also more intense. A red slash adorns the bottom of my computer screen and takes up about 1 cm of width and 15 cm of length I just measured with a measuring tape. Things swirl a bit in my periphery. My dark magician girl wallpaper attempts a curvy smile if I look slightly to the right of her face. She looks gorgeous when I look into her eyes. I've got to draw something that pretty!
June 18, 2022: 5:32 p.m. - I can see crimson slashes in the ceiling when I look up at it. I see rainbow flurries swirling around in Sublime Text. I see mercury and rainbow traced lines curling up smiles around the bottom of my computer screen as eyes poke out at the top.
11:13 p.m. - I lied down after drinking a Monster at 7 p.m. I woke up not long ago to see a spiraling swarm of shiny scarlet rose petals with intermingling green lines. It was a very intense wake up. In any case, I took some melatonin, and I'm going back to sleep.
June 19, 2022: 11:59 a.m. - I switched Breezy to eating beef and white rice for about a week, but he kept shitting out most of the rice in a shit paste. So I've switched him back to eating beef noodles. It's a half spaghetti meal that's good for him. I need to make sure I properly ventilate the area while cooking ground beef since I'm pretty sure I've been sick with a cold for a day after having improper ventilation. My air conditioner was frozen over with over a centimeter of ice coating the intake vent. I let it thaw for four hours and it's running about good as new!
About a week ago, I finally got a key card from ESA after about six months. To be fair, I only badgered them for a key card for about two weeks before I gave up and started cracking my door with towels and a pair of shorts to prop it open. Breezy was here to guard the house as a petrifying German Shepherd fang monster. My $12,000 debt to ESA is going to be paid by the government as a COVID-19 housing relief effort.
I'm taking a break from my lavish sweet tea lifestyle and am on day six with no sugar. My eyes were a bit dry coming off the sugar. I don't want to get diabetes so I'm taking an extended break. To satisfy my caffeine craving, I've been drinking Monster Ultra Zero cans every four hours. As a result, I've made a bit more progress on Cherish Spirit of Autumn. I've built a massive 4,000 by 2,000 pixels bee hive using Inkscape. My Aral Plains scene is shaping up well. I want it to be the honey gold standard by which I measure creating the other environments, so I'm making sure to put a decent amount of detail into the foreground, background, sky, and props.
June 20, 2022: 5:58 p.m. - I smoked some resin from the carb hole in my pipe, and I got pretty baked. I lay myself down in bed and passed out. When I briefly arose, I saw a sphere spinning clockwise and formed of hundreds of smaller crimson and violet spheres. The sphere rotated faster and faster until the microcosmic spheres spilled out in a maelstrom and all drifted out of my mind's eye until one last river of crimson and violet spheres rushed from the center of my vision and disappeared out the bottom right which is opposite the direction of movement of the sphere at the point closest to me. The sphere fragments lingered a bit by rotating direction like a winding road. I sat up a bit and then decided to lie back to return to sleep.
6:13 p.m. - After drinking a Monster Ultra Zero can about a half hour ago, I saw a flurry of colors curl up and forward to embrace me like when I smoked DMT but more formed of strands of light which appeared to curl through 3D space as if from an object 50-100 cm in front of me.
7:31 p.m. - My head hurts like a G2 pen is being jammed into it at random places all over but notably in the back of my head and my right eye.
7:47 p.m. - I can now see red slashes forming along with the colors and brief flickers of smiles they forge.
10:49 p.m. - I lifted some weights a couple hours ago and then drank a Monster about forty-five minutes ago. As I come up on the Monster, playing Skyrim felt different. I could appreciate the beauty in the scenery of the rivers flowing, the waterfalls crashing, the sky looming, and the incendiary flows and freezing mists I cast ahead of me. It wasn't long before I stopped wanting to play anymore. My head itches. I'm still so addicted to amphetamine, but it's fine.
June 21, 2022: 7:46 a.m. - This afternoon will mark eight days since I've last drunk sweet tea. I've basically gone zero sugar that entire time except for two muffins I ate about five days ago.
June 22, 2022: 4:52 p.m. - My relocation might take two months. That would be five months to be hired. I just drank most of a fresh glass of sweet tea. My left eye hurts a bunch like it's being stabbed with a kitchen knife.
7:28 p.m. - I feel lacerations around my head all over like I'm being cut inside. It hurts a lot like pressure is being applied inside my skull, and it was hard to type the word "skull" so I ended up typing "skukkk" first.
8:10 p.m. - I dreamed of going out on a date with that girl Madison Mckelvey from my high school where we traveled from the back door of ZBT through various fraternity parties. She was certainly one of the cutest girls at my high school. I regret not pestering my mom more heavily for a new amphetamine prescription. The extra time I spent studying in physics could have been mitigated, and I would have sought the value of a female companion earlier. I would have avoided each pitfall into which I slipped.
June 24, 2022: 6:19 p.m. - I jacked off after drinking some sweet tea and found it difficult to feel my dick and keep an erection for a couple minutes. I can see mercurial rainbows and red slashes in the dark and when I close my eyes. My vision is slightly blurring too. Playing Dead Island again after nine years, I still find the zombie feminine form attractive, which is what caused me to go jack off. The bikini laden female models in Dead Island are much better than the nude models I undress in Skyrim.
7:55 p.m. - My life is but a single point on the universe's circle of nigh unimaginable radius.
10:07 p.m. - I don't think I've ever written this down, but given my history with groups of black people, I am a white supremacist. I think white people should maintain the upper echelons of power so as to secure the vindications of their brethren despite the past vendettas with niggers ever since they first hailed to America as slaves and continuing until only 60 years ago. I think it's dangerous to give a minority group power as seen with the conservative Sunni minority in Iraq and the continued genocide led by the radical ISIS group. The same thing might be observed if a black flag was raised here. I think the majority, whites, should retain control of the government, especially the military and prisons, lest the minority groups begin weaponizing those industries like the careless needle that was used by that fat black jailhouse nurse in my tuberculosis test. It's like the blacks who are proud to have members of their race be in a position of power. I think it's important to have people of my color, whites, in positions of power given the prevalence of racism in today's society. It's like the tribes of Native Americans who thought their clan should have the most power to best represent themselves, and it's also similar to the United Nations and their committees. The racism towards Asians and whites by blacks is there. I grew up around someone calling me "cracker" although we later acquiesced. In time the same reduction in racial tension can happen with the races in America, but even then I would still want people like me to be in positions of power to best represent me: white atheists. I do believe in equal treatment for people regardless of their color, but I want to stay as far away as possible from black people and latinos.
June 26, 2022: 11:15 a.m. - I was sick yesterday since during the night Breezy took a shit and ate it, and then I slept through all that for an unknown amount of time. I woke up this morning in the dark and sneezed twice in ten second successions. At the peak of those sneezes, about a square meter of my vision lit up in a crimson irregular pentagon that was twice as long as tall. I just sneezed a few more times, and each time I saw a crimson slash at the peak of that sneeze. I wonder if that means I'm as fragile as I'd not like to be. I wonder if this illness compounded with the unknown STD is eating away at me faster than I thought. That means it is also eroding those parts of myself I sacrificed during the government and gang mandated "hunger strike" back at the end of December and beginning of January.
5:02 p.m. - Briefly earlier, I saw a shimmering set of 20 or so dark green leaves slowly falling in about a half meter of space when looking at the wall. They only hung around for about one second. In other news, I'm switching Breezy to brown rice to see if he digests it better. I failed to find pumpkin puree, but that's what's in Breezy's old dog food so I'm sure it would help. Ground white rice was also in his old dog food as one of the top ingredients, but regular white rice went right through him like most of my job applications.
8:27 p.m. - I've finished watching episode 366 of Bleach. Ginjo mentions being attacked by a hollow before he was born which allows him to harness fullbring powers. This is synonymous with my attack by alcohol while in my mother's womb which gives me my current abilities to disconnect NMDA, PCP2, and various other mechanisms. Gin is a word that always reminds me of Gin and Vodka from Case Closed who were emissaries of a "men in black" organization. It's a homonym of djinn which would be a symbol for a powerful government member capable of granting wishes. That's been the meaning for me ever since I saw Case Closed as a kid at late night on Adult Swim. The hollow masks always reminded me of the entities I would see standing in the corner of my eye or far away like Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees. Seeing all these things in music, television, and movies normalized my experience. I was always told to just go back to sleep, so my concerns of hallucinations were never taken seriously.
June 27, 2022: 11:08 a.m. - I read this article after using Qwant to search for "the stock market produces nothing". https://dissidentvoice.org/2020/06/the-stock-market-produces-nothing/ It is true that the speculation in the stock market caused the crash of the 1920's after the roaring 20's, and it speculation in companies past the true production value of workers will burden the economy again. The government may print more money, but that increase in supply will decrease the value of money. Private printing of alternative currencies like Bitcoin and Microsoft COD Points have the same effect. If everyone fabricates a "personal stock" value of themselves and begins to sell that based on their potential production value, it would have disastrous consequences in the financial market. Like selling a credit score, the homeless would be devalued and the richest oligarchs would generate more artificial wealth for themselves. This might entitle investors to a percentage of the profits that a person retains for leisure each year. It is unlikely to occur with people like with property timeshares, but it is a clear example of how artificial value of future production can be latched onto anything, even labor.
Given that every 1 billion dollars can be used to salary 20,000 employees, the economic problems in the U.S. are artificial and could be resolved by taxing billionaires who sit on over 100 billion dollars and using that to increase salaries of part time workers and salary more employees like me who have been sitting for two years wading through the shitwater to the rowboat only to find out that wading versus the row's wake is a manufactured problem that gets you nowhere.
12:02 p.m. - I took a shower and then sneezed a bunch more into my red shirt that's too small now. I saw vibrant red slashes in my carpet that started as a bright red color and faded out into crimson and then into nothing.
1:41 p.m. - I took Breezy on a walk today after feeding him beef and brown rice for the first time yesterday. It worked well, and he took a shit without rice flakes strewn throughout a paste. It was somewhat liquid, but I suspect that will change since the last part of his shit was more solid. I still laugh inside that my dog knows to be shit what others call "poop". Call shit what it is.
June 28, 2022: 3:17 p.m. - Prophet Launcher v5.1 notes:
Enlarged Skirteasey's left eye for symmetry
12:57 a.m. - I've started watching Scrubs again. It's a change from my endless repetition of Family Guy's Death Is a Bitch and Always Sunny's Mac and Dennis Move to the Suburbs. My head hurts very badly right above and inside my left eyebrow. It's like my entire eyebrow has a gouge in it. It's keeping me awake and has been there for over three hours now. The pain I felt back in January has been lingering, and given my neurons don't know how to release neurotransmitters themselves, it will linger even though I've rebuilt those various bridges destroyed like NMDA and PCP2. I'm unsure of how my supposed destruction of DAT will be affected. I'm not sure what else I've fucked up. Perhaps I've reduced the amount of dopamine releasing mechanisms and dopamine end terminals like D1-D7. Anyway, this can only end in narcissistic destruction in the ancient name of the deranged hunter. Nighttime is the time I never trained my neurons, so it makes sense I would regress more at this time just like when I saw the white light at 5 a.m. followed by the illusory Taylor during that awful night a few days after beginning amphetamine again. The pain is worth the pleasure I feel from saving this semblance of myself that is found in the waves of my neurons.
June 29, 2022: I feel the need to write down the last part of a chorus I heard from a small rap group at Camp Joy during a bonfire celebration: "Hoedown fall." I like to call the zombies in Dead Island the names of their real life counterparts: Nigger Smalls, TwoPack Shaker, Tyrone Biggums, Beyonce, Dale Earnhardt Junior. I call the football players Lebron James since I don't know any football players.
June 30, 2022: I'm thinking about the law of diminishing marginal returns which is connected to the law of diminishing marginal utility. It applies to everything consumed by people: food, video games, drugs, and sex. I get satisfaction from eating food, but eventually I will not be hungry, and even further down the line I will puke. I can only play video games for about an hour and a half right now, but I used to be able to play them all day with constant captivation. I will get smarter from eating amphetamine, but every month that goes by I receive less benefit from amphetamine. The first time I had sex with ESi and Taylor, I received 10 units of happiness. Then I received 15, 20, 15, and 5 units of happiness. Back around last Valentine's Day, I received 2 units of happiness. Now, I would rather sit at my computer than have sex and would probably receive 1 unit of utility from sex while 10 units of happiness from playing Dead Island. I would receive only 5 units of happiness from playing Skyrim right now, and thus I should play Dead Island until my lust for Skyrim returns. My happiness from sex could be increased if it was with a long term girlfriend, a wife, rather than with a stripper, but I don't see that in my immediate future. I made the right call since life can be short, and now I don't care about sex unless it's with a wife.
7:28 p.m. - I'm drinking a big glass of sweet tea. This one is filled to the brim. I'm two thirds of the way done, but my skull feels like it's splitting in two down my forehead.
7:37 p.m. - Three red slashes just formed across my vision like on the Monster cans but rotated. Now they appear more chaotically. The familiar white, rainbow traced smiles begin to creep in, and solid color shapes etch themselves into Sublime Text trailing off the ends of the lines of my notes at the bottom.
7:42 p.m. - Looking at the floor, a vibrant blue lattice forms there surrounded by red slashes forming crosses and such 2-5 at a time.
July 2, 2022: 1:04 a.m. - I look down at my hands in the dark lit only by my computer screen, and I see red slashes adorning my vision by the dozens. Blue lattices slowly ebb and flow in the center of my vision, and my computer is curling up a faint rainbow smile around the screen as I listen to the end of A Last Farewell by Lovehatehero.
6:31 p.m. - Dead Island glitched on me when I was trying to complete the Devil's Labyrinth quest and get weapons for the prisoners in the control room of Cell Block B. There was no prompt from the radio guy, so now I'm watching the rest on YouTube. I hate watching people play games. It's like watching sports. I got it from "PROPHET" whose repacks I will now be disregarding. Jin died at the end like my respect for PROPHET. Truthfully I suspect it's a flaw with Dead Island itself rather than some sort of malicious tampering. That game has way too much blur. I managed to disable the sprint blur using a mod. On my own, I played 21.5 hours and killed 1965 zombies, and I got that entertainment for free. I did own that game on Xbox 360, and I last played it with Rivera back in early 2014.
July 4, 2022: 3:43 a.m. - The internet still goes out every 30 minutes for me. It's been like 15 months or something. It's absurd. I'd try to talk to them about it again if they weren't using it as a scapegoat for their own selfish sadism. I talked to some white guy about it on the phone, and that guy Mark Tommy seemed to know something about it, so I assume it's some sort of collaboration between the black and white gangs that exist within the ESA corporate world and their affiliates. I wouldn't be caught dead manipulating the minds of those around me for my selfish gain. I gain nothing from the dissatisfaction of those around me, unlike those who abuse cocaine and meth. I suspect that has something to do with it given the notoriety of motels' occupants and employees.
3:55 a.m. - I'm nauseous as the sweet tea peaks in me. I'm doing pushups with a backpack filled to the brim with stuff. My head hurts too. It hurts in the top left of my forehead. It also feels like I'm bleeding inside. I see red slashes.
5:07 a.m. - My head still hurts. My temple hurts and so does the center of my forehead. I'm burning a bit inside my skull.
July 6, 2022: 4:33 a.m. - Stacey Abrams is still competing with Brian Kemp for governor. She is super fat. Being that fat is years worth of thousands of mistakes. Electing someone who ignores their personal long term health for that long is a mistake. They are virtually guaranteed to extend those large personal mistakes to the public at large.
5:14 a.m. - I look into my plate before I lick it clean, and I see a multitude of orange chili variations of the letter A with some smaller A's inside of larger A's. I can see the same letter traced in black in my mouse pad. I wish I had some amphetamine.
July 7, 2022: 8:25 a.m. - I quit playing Skyrim as soon as I die. All my efforts are rendered sweet nothings as I must complete the same walking, slaying, looting, pillaging, and inventory and self management on the long walk around the terrain of Skyrim. It's easier to come back later and make the voyage again when it doesn't feel so fresh in my mind. This is unlike Dark Souls where I have died over and over for hours without giving up. Though the enemies have reappeared, my souls, my efforts, are retained and retrievable. It's a better gameplay mechanic.
July 8, 2022: The red slashes appeared in my laptops screen as I drank my sweet tea. They're prominent now and forming in my laptop screen with blue lattices. The familiar rainbow smiles faintly crack around my display. My right eye hurts a lot just behind the top of my eyelid.
July 10, 2022: I keep writing down those symptoms I last wrote about on July 8, but it's important to note how long these things last. I'm falling out of interest in Skyrim again. I'm about 55 hours in. I last lost interest at 27 hours, and I started playing Dead Island instead. It's just like clockwork: Skyrim today, Fallout tomorrow. I'm thinking I'll dedicate myself to gravity impacted explosives and pistols while using a loot mod to increase scarcity of items.
July 11, 2022: 10:33 a.m. - Bottled cherries are a great addition to sweet tea. Blueberries or cherries work great. I'm going to look for other ways to spice up my sweet tea. Other fruits should work well.
My air conditioner in ESA froze over today. I used a butcher knife like a pickaxe, and now I'm letting the remains dry while the air conditioner is off. I let it dry out while I took a shower. It froze over with like half a centimeter of ice since then. I think it absorbed some moisture from the humidity while I was showering.
10:53 a.m. - These past two years, it's felt like an enemy has sat outside my door the entire time I've been in these two motels. I want to learn guitar, but my thoughts instantly turn to the swarm of enemies I picture on the other side of both walls and standing outside my door. I do believe I'm becoming more paranoid. I watched Halloween 5-8 and the first Nightmare on Elm Street movies throughout today and yesterday. I haven't watched movies in a few months since marathon watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. I still have those same symptoms as yesterday. However, my teeth now feel like they're in a state of disrepair occasionally despite brushing them and swishing my mouth with toothpaste multiple times per day. I do believe I am regressing back to the state of January when I sacrificed parts of myself in my government and gang "mandated" or rather, "endorsed", hunger strike. My temple burns a little like back then too. It's only a matter of time. Dextroamphetamine helped those symptoms back in late January as I could literally see them peaking at an hour and a half after eating racemic amphetamine, but I no longer have this benefit. Nature will take its course; it's only a matter of time. My rationality will decline.
July 12, 2022: 2:09 a.m. - I'm still playing Skyrim. I'm about 57 hours in adding in the 5 hours I lost exploring around Falkreath after the man with Delphine died on the way to Riverwood. I'm doing a few side quests while waiting to finish the Dawnguard quest, but despite trying to feel some sense of connection to the world, I feel detached from the story because the world of Skyrim is so segmented. The dragons have no real impact on the world outside of Helgen and the tower beside Whiterun, and the civil war claims no battles nor casualties beyond a couple of executions. The world, despite being large, appears to have fallen victim to the division of labor within Bethesda Softworks.
I also don't like the progression in Skyrim. Quests do not yield any experience or personal progression, and their material rewards are usually not valuable. The optional Daedric quests are a notable exception. Most of perks that are acquired through leveling don't add much value to the player. There is a damage buff that goes up to +50%, but then there are other ones like placing runes farther that don't do nearly as much. Fallout New Vegas had the right progression system though the damage bonuses from the weapons skills are maximized way too early. Keeping this in mind, I've modeled my progression system in Cherish Spirit of Autumn to do better than Fallout New Vegas.
July 14, 2022: 7:55 a.m. - After walking to Wells Fargo and then to Walmart yesterday, I can confirm that exercise will greatly exacerbate my amphetamine addiction in combination with sweet tea. I drank a small glass of sweet tea and less than half a mile down the street, I was itching like crazy all over to the point it was almost unbearable. My mental longing for amphetamine of course remains whether I'm itching or not, but it increases during times like that. Everything that is mental is physical of course, so my mental longing for amphetamine is produced by neurons in my brain that also desire it. It still hurts in my head when I drink sweet tea, and I still hallucinate.
July 16, 2022: 9:10 p.m. - I drank a filled to the brim cup of sweet tea and then went to sleep an hour and a half later when it peaked. I woke up about 45 minutes ago, and I see red slashes everywhere again. They're forming rapidly and vividly compared to the last couple days. My left temple hurts. This probably will get worse without amphetamine. I'm going to rapidly regress.
10:39 p.m. - Since I went to sleep after drinking sweet tea, I'm going to take a break and drink Monster energy drinks for at least a week. I'll grab them from the Publix since it's a shorter walk.
July 17, 2022: 8:25 a.m. - I finally finished Skyrim again with 77 hours played. I'm going to try New Vegas again.
10:27 a.m. - Apocrypha of Skyrim and its Daedra master are certainly created with those awful meth hallucinations in mind. It matches my description. I wonder why the sky above is green. I assume it is because marijuana offers some sort of protective effect during the dopamine overflow of meth. The meth cannot enter and destroy cannabinoid synapses that are already occupied. I assume this is how other cholinergic things that are part of my ADHD are tapped into using things like PCP and ketamine. Covering up those synapses allows the meth to drift into things it wouldn't normally touch without killing you. I've seen similar imagery in all kinds of things like my recent watch of Nightmare on Elm Street 4 which had a bunch of that imagery. I haven't watched that movie since I was a kid with a bunch of VHS tapes my mom had of just about every horror movie. The letters in the book that moved around as a texture were interesting. I've only seen that once back in November 2018 when I was ascending from my lowest point of ADHD.
12:33 p.m. - Another thing that I've wondered about is the family of someone else with ADHD. All of the things I've seen and listed before would be known to them. Where are the other people with my disorder, and where are their mother and father? Where are their brothers, sisters, grandparents, and children? Where are all the artistries and novels someone with my disorder would inevitably make? Where is the psychology and medical case study that would be front page for all it can teach about the human body and its neural networks?
8:45 p.m. - In addition to the same hallucinations I've been describing for the past six months, I'm hallucinating a lot of things of the color black and gray in the dark over the past hour or two. I think this has to do with quitting sugar in sweet tea and switching to zero sugar Monster. Perhaps the sugar withdrawal is also compounding with my amphetamine addiction. I thought I saw an oval shaped black bug on my toe for a second or two. I wonder to what extent other addictions can affect my amphetamine addiction and by extension my ADHD. I wonder if different addictions would cause different problems with my amphetamine addiction. My addiction is in all the affected cells and not only in my brain's nucleus accumbens. My addiction is encoded in a variety of neuron types in the nucleus accumbens and not only dopamine neuron cells. I suspect there is a way to pull on every single string of my amphetamine addiction and thus my ADHD by proximity to the neurons affected by amphetamine. The adenosine receptors affected by caffeine are close enough to the neurons affected by amphetamine that I can become extraordinarily nauseous and puke in addition to itching all over. It's best I don't mess around with unknown forces when I am in close proximity of the beginning of amphetamine withdrawal.
I spent almost five months drinking as much Luzianne sweet tea as I wanted. I spent about nine days abstaining from sweet tea to buy myself twenty-three days of drinking as much as I want. That's about 2.5 times the time I spent abstaining. Given my time with sweet tea will increase and then decrease in relation to the time I spend abstaining, I expect I could take a two month break to get that five month period of sweet tea freedom back. Perhaps a one day break would net me three or four days of sweet tea usage and my marginal sweet tea utility would decrease until one day netted me zero days of diabetes free sweet tea usage. If I take a twelve day break, I should be able to get about thirty days of sweet tea, but because of diminishing marginal returns, I should get a little more or a little less like twenty-five or thirty-five days.
I wonder how different my life will be in Seattle. I'll tell a psychiatrist about all my adventures with amphetamine at my fraternity and leave out all the rest of the details. I'd like to keep having fun with drugs that aren't my prescription which causes me more pain than anything else but also makes me feel more like myself than anything else. I'll get an Evekeo prescription and request four times per day to make sure I stay medicated all day. It's atypical, but I'm sure I can get the medicine I need to be successful and sane. In a supportive environment without sadistic people like Teja or strange people like Tyre, I can be much more successful. Everything should be smooth sailing from here.
July 18, 2022: 3:05 p.m. - I've started drawing my Demon Queen Bee. It's somewhat reminiscent of my experience with those strippers with the yellow fur and four red eyes. Taylor wore red most of the time and now we have some sort of blood bond. I'm having some problems with OpenToonz where I opened my file for my regular bee enemy, and some layers weren't positioned correctly. I hope smoother sailing happens. I wish I could use Inkscape.
4:49 p.m. - On the walk to Publix on the comeup of a Monster drink, I was thinking again about how it aggravates my amphetamine addiction. I suppose that it really only aggravates my disorder in the shadow of my amphetamine addiction. It also only aggravates my amphetamine addiction when my neurons' firing rates are unstable. As I stabilize the various and numerous neurons in my body more and more, Monster aggravates them less and less. As they stabilize, caffeine has less of an impact on them and makes me crave amphetamine less. I'm unsure of how stabilizing them can lessen the influence of them on my amphetamine addiction. I suppose not all of my addiction is tied to the nucleus accumbens. The norepinephrine and dopamine releasing neurons in my arms and legs crave amphetamine too. As they stabilize, my craving for amphetamine goes down and so too does caffeine's adenosine based influence on making them crave. As they stabilize and stop being paragons of my ADHD, they don't need amphetamine as much to function all the time; my amphetamine addiction transforms closer to what a regular person would experience. Of course I will always experience a stronger addiction than the average person.
Still, there's a part of me that likes this instability. I like the hallucinations. I like keeping that part of myself that's closer to my true nature. It's like Stockholm Syndrome in the captivity of myself. I'm becoming more introverted as time passes. I'm more introverted than ever. It doesn't help that as documented here, most people around me are more interested in hurting me than helping me. Yet beyond that, there is something more in both my nature and the way I'm shaping myself with amphetamine that are making me more averse to human interaction. It is not a problem unlike the various portions of neural instability like NE and DA release. There are parts of me like glutamate, PCP2, and many acetylcholine instability which are growing and of which I am quite fond. I wonder if any of those phenomena on my colorful list of ADHD instabilities are lacking names and could use medical documentation. It appears likely, but I've heard their mention in media before. I suppose I'll find out soon when I get to Seattle. That's 28 days later.
July 19, 2022: 7:17 a.m. - This morning marks day two without sweet tea. That's no sugar as a rule. My eyes are dry, and yesterday didn't feel particularly good overall. However, my bad days typically herald a good day in return given the oscillating nature of myself. My days without hallucinations typically usher in days with nice imagery to captivate me. I'm seeing a lot more red slashes and blue lattices this morning than yesterday.
8:04 a.m. - I just drank a white Monster. I feel a shallow hole inside the center of my forehead.
7:53 p.m. - I'm nauseous. I drank another Monster just shy of 2.5 hours after my third today.
7:59 p.m. - Since after weightlifting I never get the feeling of hunger high in my stomach and later heavy breathing, the adrenaline system must reside independent of one's muscles. That means the adrenaline I gained in December and during the hunger strike is here to stay. It should lie closer to my skeletal system, and that makes sense given its speed. That means I may have a larger adrenaline system than someone like Hulk Hogan. My suffering from amphetamine, hunger, and the tumultuous thoughts I wrought on myself from music gave me that bodily need for adrenaline. Each time I got that hunger it was cathartic. Later, it took longer to get those feelings of adrenaline building. It would take like four hours of suffering. Eventually, I didn't get them anymore since my body only has a finite amount of growth.
9:27 p.m. - It's interesting to note there are several processing layers in the human vision system just like in the cognitive analytical system. To keep my body safe, my subconscious is analyzing scenes my conscious brain isn't. In late 2019, I was biking down the street after my usual routine of 3-MeO-PCP and weed. I might have taken preworkout and lifted weights too. While biking down the sidewalk back and looking ahead, my adrenaline kicked in, and I instantly shifted my focus to the bus entering my right field of vision and going normal speed through a red light. I moved in slow motion and had much faster reaction time.
The first time I ever noticed my adrenaline was when I was a kid and rolling the black barrel down a hill by walking backwards on it in my spare time. I was just to the left of our white shed's door, and I stood on the open end of the barrel. As the other end of the barrel rotated to approach my forehead, it started moving in slow motion before smacking me in the head and time returning to normal speed. That was when I understood the power of adrenaline. I was like nine years old or something since that was back when Rachael and I would both screw around with that barrel. We'd get inside the barrel and roll down the hill which would hurt a little bit, but it was basically a free roller coaster ride in my backyard!
The only other times I can think of releasing adrenaline are when I quit amphetamine after three weeks back in mid 2019 and when I overdosed on meth back in March 2021 (although that one isn't 100%, I'm 99% sure that's what happened). That only makes four times I remember slowing down time in my entire life, and each of those was in response to self inflicted danger. Given a rarity of that level, I assume there are many sheltered folk who have never experienced an adrenaline rush.
<Retrospective> 8/1/22: The insertion of menacing and scared insects into my vision during my meth overdose were a good example of the multiple visual processing layers. They were inserted in a layer before my prefrontal cortex's conscious analysis of the light input to my eyes. I suspect this was in the cerebral cortex.
July 21, 2022: 10:22 a.m. - Drinking a Monster this morning made me nauseous. I think I'm unwinding my neural training faster than I thought. If I bought myself 18 months with about four months of medication, these past five months combined with diminishing marginal returns, my increased age, sacrificed dopaminergic systems through hunger, and unknown STD's will cripple me in much less time than (5/4)*18=22.25 months. I medicated for about four months back in October 2019 to February 2020, and I got about as much time before I found myself banging my palm on the ground and asking my neighbor if I wanted the sun to come down. That was after I was sick with coronavirus for three months and about two weeks after I got infected by that stripper ESi.
11:38 a.m. - I'm getting a $350 loan from Jacob Wartofsky after a little convincing with a phone call in the evening. I can use that to survive moving to Seattle. I notice Joe Biden has coronavirus after getting the vaccine and two booster shots of the vaccine. I still have to get a vaccine to show up to work even though I already had COVID-19 in 2020. What a pain in my arm that's going to be. I wonder if DMT can boost the body's immune system against the new strains of COVID. I'd expect so since they're mutations and structurally similar to the original COVID-19 virus. I found an article explaining some of how that might work: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4828992. In less than a minute, I had blacked out and hurled a disgusting, white, bubbly, acidic mess onto my floor. It was cathartic. A week later, I had exactly zero symptoms and tested positive.
2:12 p.m. - My eyebrows feel like they're being singed much like my temples did yesterday, and they hurt all across. I saw a brief flurry of color when I drank a Monster, and now I see the typical crimson slashes.
5:57 p.m. - My temples are burning and pounding again. So are my eyebrows, and I'm still hallucinating crimson slashes, blue lattices, and faint rainbow and white smiles and flurries.
July 22, 2022: 12:27 p.m. - I wonder if my grandmother and grandfather's history had a large role in my evolution to need amphetamine to release certain neurotransmitters. I've been thinking about this for a while now. Amphetamine was invented in Germany at the end of the 19th century, but it has its origin in widespread usage back about a hundred years ago in the 1920's. This was followed by the widespread use of methamphetamine in the 1930's, but I'm convinced that has as much less of a relation.
My grandma Paula Cantrell emigrated from Germany back in the early 1930's when amphetamine was gaining worldwide traction as a drug of both intellect and war. This gives my DNA roots in Hitler's Germany. I grew up around my grandmother and mother but not my father, though my father has his origins in the U.S. and Great Britain. My grandfather was a POW in the Korean war in the 1950's. Being in the military would put him closer to amphetamine, and evolution always has its ways of creating creatures around their environment. America prescribes amphetamine like candy and makes the best inventions the world has seen like airplanes, nuclear weapons, and the internet. I'm the only person I know with this disorder of ADHD, and it would make sense that evolution would mold me around those conditions where amphetamine had a presence.
9:36 p.m. - I just drank a Monster to stay up sixteen hours. I'm staying up at least sixteen hours and trying to sleep in to more easily kill time. My head hurt, and I drank a Monster only for it to hurt more. My stomach is also queasy. My left temple hurts a bit and alternates between pressure and feeling hollow like an ebb and flow.
10:56 p.m. - My head's been hurting the whole time from that caffeine. Right now, that hollowing and pressuring sensation is happening in my forehead's center.
July 23, 2022: 11:30 a.m. - My head is starting to hurt at the peak of my caffeine's effects and throughout the experience.
12:57 p.m. - My eyes hurt behind them, my eyebrows hurt, and my forehead center hurts. I assume this is due to the sacrifices I made during my government and gang mandated "hunger strike" back in January. They must be returning since I already have problems with maintaining those faculties due to ADHD. I've got 24 days until I arrive in Seattle. This should be easy. I just need to kill time.
3:24 p.m. - I finally finished the campaign of World at War. It's too fragmented to really appreciate the plot, scenery, and characters. It's too bad there's no German and Japanese campaigns. There should be a game where the protagonist is a German soldier from Poland to Paris and a Japanese soldier from Nanjing to Pearl Harbor. Russian niggers aren't really my thing. I'm watching a movie called "Look Who's Back" where Hitler has time traveled to the present day. It's the first German film I've watched, and it's pretty good despite not containing any swastikas.
8:42 p.m. - I just ate a tiny bit of amphetamine three or four minutes ago. It was like 2-3 mg which is enough to feel it. I still have a tiny bit left. I'm coming up now. I also ate a small amount of avb flakes stuck to the scale.
8:46 p.m. - My skin tingles. My head is very lightly slithering and swirling around on the inside. It feels good like that time five years ago but nowhere near as intense. I can feel my eyes wetting and drying. My nose is getting dry. I'm boiling some hot dogs on the stove.
9:31 p.m. - I feel the pulsing feeling of a snake expanding and slithering across my forehead.
9:36 p.m. - My upper lip hurts like a pinpoint is being pressed just to the right of its center. I can see rainbow faces forming in the fringes of my vision. They smile like cute critters.
10:32 p.m. - A big but shallow cylindrical pulse is in my left temple. It alternates between hurting and feeling good.
July 24, 2022: 9:23 p.m. - My head has been hurting in random spots at different times today. Now the top back left part of my head hurts. Earlier I got some work done designing my Demon Queen Bee by fiddling with the four red eyes and adding hair locks to her head. I suppose that droplet of amphetamine really did some good besides making my mesmerizing hallucinations more prominent. I suppose writing about them and recognizing my love for them really helps to cement them. That certainly helps retain them in the long run with evolution in people yet to be born. However, even if I was taught to hate them by the church or something, I would still hallucinate the same way just like when I was a kid and was tormented by visions of Michael Myers, shadow men, and such.
July 25, 2022: 5:49 p.m. - The GA Rental Assistance representative, Joi Johnson, stopped communicating with me after relaying she filed an extension. The manager here at ESA mentioned she would call her contact there. I filled out the application again, but the portal doesn't have enough options to communicate effectively. The phone representative couldn't tell me anything about Joi nor the extension filing. I should have gotten Joi's number, but I didn't think about it. She might not even work there anymore. Whatever, I'm sure the system will figure this out without tossing my body into a ditch somewhere. Or perhaps it won't. I'm not so sure about the compassion of this society and its government anymore.
I certainly need to make sure my next dog, if male, is neutered to prevent him from being so defiant as Breezy. Breezy is determined to make his own way such that he pees on the stairs as he becomes extraordinarily confident on the walk to the soil.
I've been thinking about how I made Taylor's pussy tighter. I was on 3-MeO-PCP and she was on meth. I was inhibiting NMDA and PCP2, and she was releasing dopamine. I think creatures thousands of years ago had pussies where the dopamine chased the electrical void of numbness that existed in some parts of the human body like the penis. I suppose I could accomplish this by simply having sex with a girl that was on dextroamphetamine. In accordance with my list created of all the anomalies of my ADHD, I suppose there are a lot more interesting phenomena I could elicit from intercourse with a girl. I suppose I'll discover and note them in time as such records are remarkably missing from prose literature. Most literature characterizes meth as a DAT inhibitor, but I dispute such a claim based on my recent experiences with methylphenidate. I think there is a lot to learn.
July 26, 2022: 2:30 p.m. - It's been nine days since I stopped consuming sugar through sweet tea. I've been playing Dishonored, and it's a good game besides small things like the red fuzzy filter of blood thirsty "adrenaline" and dialogue that uses a 21:9 aspect ratio with black bars. I wrote it off before, and I also wrote off the second one. I'm enjoying it now though. It's way better than Assassin's Creed just by being first person.
3:19 p.m. - Misty rainbow smiles still penetrate my gaze around all sides of my computer, flashing and dissipating in less than a second. It's almost been a year since this all started. I suppose I will carry this fortune of self illumination with me for the rest of my life, and for that I am grateful.
If I was to ever be executed like that guy Shawhatshisname K. Milltonburrow in The Boondocks, I would demand it be through conventional means rather than a witchcraft concoction of drugs that would give some strange, unnatural death. It goes against my religion of atheism to do unnatural things to harm by body, and so I would demand to be executed by firing squad or being tossed off a cliff so my death would be more humane and natural. There is to be no lethal injection to disrupt my neurons nor is there to be electrocution, though lightning storms have existed for a while. I suppose it is righteous that I die a natural death to experience whatever my brain has to show me in those final milliseconds, though I will not carry that into my future.
5:29 p.m. - I just made a pot of sweet tea for later, but I decided I actually want to spend a couple more days in abstinence of sugar. I'm going to buy two more cases of Monster. I'll buy myself more time, and when I finally taste the Luzianne sweet tea in two days, it will taste even sweeter than it would today. This extra time and taste is the opportunity cost of drinking it today.
8:08 p.m. - When my aunt gets old, it's best I help take care of her since she doesn't make nearly as much as me. If she needs help, I'll help her out. I wanted to help my mom out and give her everything she wanted, but I never got that chance. I don't want the rest of my family to have a hard time too.
12:25 a.m. - I remember the first Boondocks episode I ever watched was the Martin Luther King episode Return of the King. At first, I thought it was a documentary since it was sometime in black history month. Then I saw Uncle Ruckus throw a brick at MLK, and I fell in love with the series that night. Raechel was there, and I restarted my Pokemon Ruby game that night despite having been the champion and played for a while.
I remember the first South Park episode I ever saw was Hell on Earth 2006. I watched it in the den when Bruce had left my mom for a bit. My mom was in the computer room. I also saw the spiders in the attic episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force that night and was a little weirded out.
July 27, 2022: 5:56 p.m. - I know why they can't find any pilots to fly planes. It's because they can't find any Mexicans or Indians that know how to fly them. While we Americans are forced to walk the plank, the rich boat in millions of foreigners for the cream of the crop and first pick of the booty. We are the vassal of the welfare state, where we pay a larger percent of our necessary expenses in taxes to support this shit. They can't find any farmers because all the Mexicans already got forty acres and a mule when they camel backed across the border. I can't find a programming job because Indians have shit all over the immigration, tariff, and green card policies. Just because America's grass is greener than India's brown shitsoil doesn't mean we can let in 400 million Indians. We also can't let 400 million Mexicans and South Americans float in up that same shit river in grander numbers than there are water droplets in the Rio Grande or Ganges.
Adolf Hitler is the epitome of revolution and power. He is a symbol of rising from ashes and a light in the dark to the repressed. He's my hero, and though I do not condone genocide, Hitler remains my model to enrich myself in my poorest of times.
July 28, 2022: 1:24 p.m. - Unfortunately, not many veterinarians around here offer interstate health certificates. I've contacted VCA North Atlanta and Animal Hospital of Sandy Springs so far. Banfield doesn't have an appointment available until about twenty days away.
2:23 p.m. - I got two consecutive vet appointments with Petco starting on Monday at 8:30 a.m. I didn't think they would have veterinarians, but economies of scale certainly would make that make sense given Petco's size and range of products around pets. Expanding into veterinary services would cost them less.
Last night, I dreamed about being chased by Michael Myers. I was chased around a Sunnyvale trailer with three other people who lived there. There was my girlfriend, my friend, and his girlfriend. I was also chased down Reese Road to my house and back. Michael Myers would pop up unexpectedly throughout. I dreamed that a ton when I was a kid. I dreamed that two days ago too, and last night I dreamed I was in some movie made by the North Carolina military division. I only remember conversing with about nine other people in a cabin filled with white mist reaching three feet high. One by one we were killed off, but the only death scene I remember is one I saw as I woke up to Breezy barking at someone in the hallway. I was in a truck with some guy in a jean jacket and white T-shirt who was driving, and we collided with another truck. That guy was dragged away, the top of his head stuck in the grill of the other truck reversing from the collision impact.
The tension in these dreams is too much to wish on myself. I'm going to change from listening to Family Guy's Death Is a Bitch all night to something else like Casa Bonita and hope I have better dreams. I wish I knew of a top tier show outside Japan that centered around women so I could hear English while I sleep.
3:49 p.m. - My eyes hurt behind them again. My right eye hurts a lot more often than the left. I started playing guitar again following the Synister Gates lessons online. Tonelib-Jam is kind of like Guitar Hero with tons of guitar tabs I can use to practice.
7:28 p.m. - Red slashes, peering misty rainbow gazes, and blue lattices are all popping up now after drinking my second Monster today about an hour and a half ago. They were faint yesterday and this morning though I smoked some resin from my pipe last night. Their cycles are a mystery to me and a timing of my neuron cells. I'm surprised I can keep getting resin from my pipe. I've taken many hits from it these past couple months. This most recent excursion, I started playing guitar again.
July 29, 2022: 5:16 p.m. - I took a twelve day break from sugar, and now it feels great to drink sweet tea again. I drank some that was three days old, but that's not doing it for me. It tastes best fresh so I made a new half gallon.
8:03 p.m. - I decided to stick with Death Is a Bitch as my dreaming backdrop. I didn't have a nightmare last night. I kind of like the nightmares as it's like being in my own personalized horror movie.
8:53 p.m. - On the way to Publix earlier, I wrote this down in my phone's notes to remember what happened: felt a sensation like I was being stung by a bee just to the left of the center of my forehead after walking not even a tenth of a mile with extreme itching all over following that.
I can still see all those visual disturbances mesmerizing and enthralling me just as I've documented these past nigh seven months. It feels strange to call them disturbances. I've grown so fond of them. Now that I'm not scared of the things I see in my inner world, I've embraced them. My inner world enlightens me more than the outside. I use the outside world as a conduit to enjoy my inner sanctum.
July 30, 2022: 10:45 p.m. - I have a strong sense of numbness in my upper lip combined with the recent hallucinations. I wonder what's so special about that. Nitrous oxide was great at giving me that lip numbing effect. I wonder how the NBOx drugs numbed my tongue. If it wasn't by NMDA or PCP2, how did it occur? And why would they only numb my tongue?
July 31, 2022: 9:02 p.m. - As I come up on my cherry Luzianne sweet tea, my right temple pulsates with pain and my recent hallucinations intensify.
August 1, 2022: 3:15 p.m. - I went to the Petco vet, Vetco, with Breezy today to get his rabies vaccination and interstate health certificate for Air Animal. I walked ten miles and Breezy walked five miles. I took a brief one hour nap while I left him there, and not long after I woke up from a phone call, I saw a rainbow girl when I woke up. I can see the typical red slashes, blue lattices, rainbow flurries, and faint rainbow faces. Today the red slashes are traced with a silver color which hasn't been the case for a while. Lack of sleep is bound to aggravate my preexisting problems. It's fine. I'll go to sleep at a normal time tonight.
7:43 p.m. - Just like my caffeine addiction, I think my sugar addiction has some sort of compounding effect on my ADHD and amphetamine addiction intertwining. It's hard to prove since sugar isn't that addictive, but it would make sense because the brain's addiction centers house neurons that crave different things in a relatively close vicinity. However, the neurons in the body don't typically crave sugar like the neurons in my body crave amphetamine. Could it be that sugar is affecting the hallucinations I have like caffeine? I don't have any way of knowing without eating a ton of sugar with no caffeine. If I ate a ton of skittles, would I find any hallucinatory and numbing effect? I doubt it. I think it would have some small effect on my craving for amphetamine like caffeine, but because sugar is less addictive than caffeine and likely has less overall neurons mediating its addiction, it would be mild.
This has been on my mind for a while. I assume the NMDA and PCP2 antagonism that disconnect bodily neuron signals would also disconnect the dopamine neurons purported to be responsible for most of the addiction in the nucleus accumbens. The only way to completely remove my addiction from my mind is to lose consciousness and black out. I can however, numb a lot of the neurons in my body without inhibiting my brain too much as I showed with 3-MeO-PCP. I assume the dopamine neurons would be moreso disconnected by NMDA given my recent learning from the "hunger strike", and the norepinephrine neurons would be disconnected by PCP2.
I suppose there are probably other neurons there for norepinephrine neuron types and serotonin neuron types that are responsible for drug usage motivation and seeking. I wonder if the acetylcholine and other neuron types that I inhibit would also play a large role in inhibiting my addiction. Perhaps the golden splashes, sky wires, and crimson wall painting could also play some sort of role there. These inhibitions could inhibit signals to a neuron further up the chain like NMDA and PCP2. The visual recognition neural chain must be something like (scarlet floor painting)&&(golden splashes)->(PCP2)->(normal vision). The scarlet floor painting had no rainbow PCP2 within and only on the fringes. It was the same with the golden splashes.
This is a study indicating the prevalence of NMDA mediated addiction: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0014299907000969
9:28 p.m. - I wrote all this after smoking resin from the screwdriver I use to clean my bong. I suppose that must be by removal of the creative inhibitors I have from my addiction. It is likely also due to the cannabis amplifying the creative parts of myself to the point they overcome my addiction.
August 2, 2022: 9:08 p.m. - I started licking my snorting dollar bill thinking I'll have to sell or destroy it, but now I think I'll just clean it with soap water. My tongue is numb. That dollar bill tastes like an acidic chemical. The other paper bills in my wallet don't taste that way. Every single drug I've ever snorted since ketamine would be on this dollar bill. It still has the blood from the ketamine I snorted on the ZBT coffee table. Since 3-MeO-PCP has the physical qualities of powdered sugar and sticks to everything, it is safe to assume it was mostly that. I can see the glimmers of faces, crimson slashes, and blue lattices. However, I'm too far gone to really recognize a small dose of a dissociative drug. This could all be part of the caffeine enhancement or my body's natural cycles.
10:42 p.m. - My body is pretty numb. I hope that I may find more rejuvenation and catharsis when I return to 3-MeO-PCP in about three years.
August 4, 2022: 3:05 a.m. - Watching Scooby Doo on Zombie Island makes me feel much better about eating those dog treats. I did it was a kid too, but it's funny seeing references to my current situation.
5:39 p.m. - My right temple feels like it was slapped after I took a bite of a chili dog. Now it burns in a small spot in the center for the past minute.
7:20 p.m. - The oldest forms of humans have been found in skeletons in Africa. Those humans spread throughout Africa to Eurasia through the area of the Suez Canal and to the Americas through the Bering Strait. I suppose my skin is white because humans had more time to adapt to the snowy landscape of northern Europe than the Inuits of upper North America. It is a camouflage as most creatures adapt to their hunting environment like the famed chameleon. Mutation requires adaptation to the environment, so it makes sense the nomads of forested Europe would evolve more than the desert locked Africans. If I am the sole person with this ADHD, it would be confirmed by my lineage of evolution. Perhaps there can be no blacks nor Asians with this disorder evolved around amphetamine as a remedy. I assume the people before me were also white, but I don't have any proof. I'd certainly like to know more about someone else with my disorder. Given the artistries describing parts of my disorder, someone must have existed somewhere. Because I cannot find their massive autobiography nor their own repertoire of artistries, they must be dead or only a single person younger than me.
5:22 a.m. - I just read that gravity takes effect at the speed of light, predicted by Einstein's general relativity, and was confirmed by a neutron star merger. That's amazing. Every mass emits black body radiation, and every mass must also emit some sort of light speed particle responsible for gravity. It's amazing light photons radiate from those distant stars to reach my eyes. That's an incredible amount of photons to emit across the universe.
August 6, 2022: 9:53 p.m. - I can see red slashes forming alongside the colorful flurries and silky smiles curling up in the fringes of my vision. I just saw three red slashes at a pi/4 radians angle in the center of my vision overlayed over the blackness of Sublime Text. My temples are still burning occasionally every day. I still have random pains in my head, and occasionally it feels like pain is slithering across my head like a snake. My head feels like its spinning sometimes. I just saw a half centimeter wide red slash followed by similarly sized blue slash 20 cm to its right, and then a large, 20 cm wide purple slash appeared covering where both of those were.
August 8, 2022: 12:55 a.m. - I'm super itchy all over my torso and hallucinating after drinking a glass of cherry sweet tea. I also feel quite hateful knowing I've been deceived for so long. I can only hope to overcome this and live my life in peace somewhere in the countryside making art until my death. My left temple itches now. I did this all to myself, though I was coaxed by the hardhat ass wipes around me. It wasn't all loss. I sacrificed parts of myself to stockpile adrenal resources I wouldn't otherwise obtain in times of peace.
8:22 a.m. - Both my temples begin to really burn. My head has been hurting in random spots the past ten minutes or so. The red slashes are prominent as well. This is usually the time when levoamphetamine is almost gone and dextroamphetamine begins to fade. I found dextroamphetamine to have a stronger impact on those parts of me that I sacrificed.
8:35 a.m. - Now I feel a massive throbbing pain in my right temple as they both continue to burn and a smaller pain encompasses the left.
8:39 a.m. - The pain in my right eye has returned. I wonder what my bout with amphetamine will be like next time. This is assuming of course that I actually have a job at Microsoft and not a continuity of this sick joke of the last twenty years with the worst of the brunt being the last two years.
10:38 p.m. - I woke up at 9. I finally got the COVID-19 vaccine, and my arm is still a little sore. All those amphetamine withdrawal pains ceased around 9 a.m. I see red and blue slashes. My eyebrows are smoldering. My teeth feel like they're weak. I think I really am receding in my neural capabilities that I sacrificed, though I've been hoping my hypothesis to be false.
1:05 a.m. - The pain behind my right eye was overbearing, so I lied down for a bit. Just like before, it's going to hurt when I train myself with amphetamine next time. These parts of me are going to oscillate in response to amphetamine and its hold over my disordered neuron cells. It still hurts right now, but I've got to take my sweet tea out of the freezer and move it to the fridge. My head has burned and hurt a lot more than normal. I'm glad this job at Microsoft appears to be going smoothly for my departure from Atlanta in a week. These things like pain, hallucinations, and insanity will get worse in an accelerating manner.
August 9, 2022: 5:05 p.m. - I passed out at like 7 a.m. I just woke up. I was feeling some vasoconstriction. I think the J&J vaccine was causing that, but I can't be certain. I think that because it was strongest in my left arm where I got the vaccine. My left pinky had the strongest effect. I had a call from someone, but I didn't even hear it.
7:24 p.m. - I'm a little nauseous after drinking a glass of sweet tea today.
August 10, 2022: 1:07 p.m. - I just spent the last three hours trying to pay my phone bill at T-Mobile. However, that store didn't take cash, so I needed to buy a prepaid MasterCard from Target. However, after two hours and several unsuccessful payment attempts at both T-Mobile and Target, I tried calling them to get it fixed. Some Indian guy on the phone said it was "compromised", so they'll have to mail me a replacement card or check in the mail. I'll do that once I make it to Seattle. I'm adding MasterCard to the list of crappy companies. What kind of software engineer overlooks a glitch that causes this? It's pure incompetence. The real people who suffer from this are homeless people.
August 12, 2022: 1:05 p.m. - I've taken two naps today. I passed out from about 4 a.m. to 5 a.m. and again from about 8 a.m. to 10 a.m. That's rather unusual. It's been four days since that vaccine, and my arm doesn't hurt at the needle's point of impact anymore. The arm pain I had was very different from the pain I felt across my entire right forearm when I was in jail for the night back in August 2018. I always thought they used a dirty needle, but perhaps the nurse pricked the wrong spot on purpose. I didn't consider that possibility though I should have done so. There were so many out of the ordinary things in the jail, so that would also fit the narrative.
August 13, 2022: 11:40 a.m. - My teeth hurt a lot today. It's concentrated entirely in the left side of my mouth. I've been brushing and swishing my mouth with toothpaste every night and sometimes twice per day. I'm definitely regressing in some aspect of myself that was sacrificed. Behind my left eye hurts too.
August 14, 2022: 1:32 a.m. - I started drinking a glass of sweet tea, and I'm only 1/3 of the way through, but the back of my right eye is hurting again. The typical red slashes, blue lattices, flurries of mostly green color, and faint glints of smiles perking up still decorate my vision.
August 15, 2022: 1:09 p.m. - My stuff is with Atlantic Relocation, and Breezy is traveling on a three day van trip to Seattle with a nice fellow from Texas. The pain behind my right eye has been pretty intense today, and I was super slow in conversing with people.
2:44 p.m. - Since I've been drinking sweet tea these past seven months without amphetamine, I think I've put on about ten pounds worth of fat. I should have taken my weight before I shipped it off to Seattle today. The extra fat is keeping my muscles from waning even though I'm not lifting weights. I can quickly slim down when I get back on amphetamine, so it's fine. It'll take a while to fix my head, but I trust that everything will work out.
August 16, 2022: 2:56 a.m. - My right eye still hurt a ton as I drifted to sleep on the hotel's bed and not my own memory foam bed I had on top. Now, it doesn't hurt at all. There is a slight pressure sensation around my left eye, but despite these cycles, everything should work out when I can get an Evekeo prescription.
August 18, 2022: I got to Seattle two days ago. I could smell the fresh sea breeze. The plane ride was as boring as I expected except I had The Boondocks to watch on my phone. I'm staying in a hotel called Verde Esterra Park for up to 30 days. Instead of every one in two people I meet being black, only one in twelve people are black. That's quite a difference from Columbus and Atlanta. There's also three times more Asian people than Atlanta. Instead of one in twenty people being Asian, one in seven people are Asian.
5:46 p.m. - I wish they still made mAzing M&M chocolate bars and PiÃ±a pineapple soda. I do think the Reeses pieces Hershey candy bars are best candy bars, but you can't find those outside gas stations.
August 19, 2022: 8:27 a.m. - I count 97 hours playing Skyrim including the few quest and location mods I installed like Falskaar. The water is so mesmerizing.
August 24, 2022: 6:20 p.m. - I can see rainbows of red, green, and blue colors on the wall and when I close my eyes. Long rainbow gleams of light stretch across most of my vision. The red slashes are back. I could briefly see the letters A and H (ah) on the wall and shifting between shades of color including what looked like a mostly grey version of red and blue. I haven't seen writing on a wall in a very long period of time. I don't remember the last time I wrote something like that down. The grey was also weird, but I don't think I can categorize that beyond PCP2 with grey-blue, grey-red, etc.
August 26, 2022: 8:22 p.m. - I'm playing Fallout 4 again. I managed to lower the graphics enough to play in 720p with my broken fans. My brightness setting in Intel Graphics Control Panel is -12 and the Darker Nights mod is set to Lighter.
August 27, 2022: 5:11 p.m. - I'm downloading an update for Modern Warfare at 44 MB/s in my Verde Esterra Microsoft corporate housing. That's my fastest ever internet transfer. My first week of work was nice. The people are friendly and everything's cool. I've only set up things like IDE and messaging platforms. I did the standard configuration IT setup, and everything is development ready. I'm working on the Azure cloud computing platform.
August 28, 2022: 9:18 a.m. - I'm frequently having trouble finishing my sentences at work when I talk to people. I still see hallucinations, and although they appear to be waxing and waning, they appear to be fading in the long run. However, I know this will not be the case forever with other faculties. I still feel discontent with myself no matter where I am or where I intend to walk in life. I can still smile, but it only feels half genuine. I'll smile until the day I die despite the turmoil inside.
3:30 p.m. - I can see vibrant rainbows flurries, curling rainbow lines, and distortions of space after smoking.
August 29, 2022: I wrote this down about my ongoing issues while I was at work. "big red slashes appearing one at a time across most of my entire monitor (50 cm length and 5 cm width at the middle). Rainbow flurries while I talk in a meeting."
September 2, 2022: Waiting for this bombshell of amphetamine feels like waiting through the countdown of MW2's enemy nuke inbound. It occupies my thoughts a lot and stresses me out if I concentrate on that thought without reminding myself my body is made to handle those kinds of oscillations.
September 6, 2022: Overall, the hallucinations I started to experience after my "hunger strike" have been decreasing even though possessing their own oscillations over periods of multiple days of time. I'm still a little numb and much moreso when I ingest caffeine or weed. I have a ton of apprehension surrounding my resumption of amphetamine, especially at the final direct of a psychiatrist. Will I be able to secure four doses? Will I be able to secure a proper dosage after tolerance has set in? If I explain my need for amphetamine thoroughly, I should be able to secure the means of progressing forward with my plans of motivating myself to create art and enhancing cognitive function like processing speed and amount of working memory.
September 10, 2022: 11:00 p.m. - I've finished up week three at work, and everything is going smoothly. My coworkers are friendly and have the attitude of my old coworkers like Ketan back from my early days of Verizon Connect. I haven't heard back from my apartment application which was fifty dollars plus a one fifty refundable deposit. However, if I am declined because of my eviction four years ago, I can find a motel. There's an Extended Stay America which is about a mile south of Verde Esterra, my corporate housing. If they've banned me or something for owing $1500 when I checked out, I could always stay in another motel or hotel. Last resort, I could put Breezy in a doggy day care, get my Washington driver's license, and get an SUV to house me.
1:23 p.m. - I still have the typical hallucinations with rainbow flurries just flashing across my vision as I looked to my computer screen. I still see faint blue and green lattices and faint red slashes in my periphery. I drank some sweet tea but have been holding off on smoking weed since I don't get paid until five days from now.
2:40 p.m. - I can't believe it's been over a year of hallucinating just from my amphetamine usage in combination with my disorder and the "hunger strike". I expect this time to be even more intense as I strike a meteoric crash into my inner world. I'm assuming I cannot become addicted to my natural NMDA and PCP2 inhibition like I did with 3-MeO-PCP. There won't be any itch or shortness of breath. I'm grateful I have this part of myself to cherish and grow. I still hope to return to 3-MeO-PCP in the future, but I must keep this information secret. The religious fools and ignorant rulers might spoil my plans to enrich my future.
As I begin to cry, I notice the rainbow hallucinations will always pick me back up a second after that. It's hard to verify that fact because I hallucinate so often with natural cycles of occurrence, but the rainbow flurries at the onset of tears has happened often enough I believe it to be true. I feel rather hollow inside, and despite my life moving toward a better future, I feel hate brewing inside. I know that I am deteriorating in various internal neural functions, but I still feel something unsettling inside besides my addiction. Perhaps this is how I felt five years ago.
9:45 p.m. - Luzianne sweet tea and other caffeine sources still makes my head itch, especially in the top front above my prefrontal cortex.
10:56 p.m. - I can see shimmering rainbow slivers of light moving around my vision as I sit in the dark and listen to music. The hallucinations have been much more intense today than they've been the last couple days.
12:01 p.m. - Just because the hallucinations like red slashes are going away, the other parts of myself I damaged not related to the visual system need not follow suit. I assume there must be some parts of myself I damaged related to the dopamine system in other parts of the brain like the prefrontal cortex. What was responsible for the burning in my temples? What parts of myself were damaged there? I assume it was related to the dopamine end terminals and their corresponding transporters, but there are many mechanisms in the body for inducing a burning sensation.
September 11, 2022: 10:28 a.m. - Despite my attempts to stay mentally positive, I feel the negativity creeping from somewhere within my physical form. There are so many parts of myself that are held together by amphetamine that I don't know which part of myself may be slipping. All these neurons are trained at different rates. I still have an uncomfortable feeling inside.
11:15 a.m. - There's something in the cheap grocery store multivitamins that upsets my stomach. Normal vitamins from food wouldn't do such a thing. It must be one of those crappy filaments they use to hold the vitamins together. Optimum Nutrition multivitamins don't upset my stomach. I'll switch back to those.
2:21 p.m. - If the doctor won't give me a prescription for Evekeo four times per day, I'll order amphetamine from the dark web to cover the losses. I'll hold off on taking my medicine until a small US order arrives, and then I'll get an ounce from somewhere like Germany. I can supplement the Evekeo doses with one to three extra doses of pure amphetamine sulphate. If the doctor asks why I held off on taking it, I'll say I decided to wait until the weekend to begin. I'll wait until I get an official prescription before I bother ordering from the dark web. I don't want to order from there unless I have to do so.
September 12, 2022: I'll have to make an Ebay order before I order any amphetamine. I'm a little paranoid.
September 15, 2022: I've been walking around with a hole in the back of my shoe for about 3 weeks now. I walk on the front of my feet and don't use my heels.
September 16, 2022: 7:15 a.m. - Yesterday, I smoked some shake weed and ate 20 mg THC and 80 mg CBD worth of edible gummies. I saw rapidly transforming rainbow things, but the only thing I remember was a rising, spiky branched rainbow tree with no leaves.
7:55 p.m. - I got my first pay check yesterday. That's my first paycheck in over 25 months.
At some point in the past week I noted the following in my phone's notes. For over a year now, every time I've left the room I take a second glance because I feel I've left something behind. It's my amphetamine.
I've changed my mind over the prescription. So long as I'm getting at least two tablets of Evekeo, I'm not going to eat any dark web amphetamine.
September 17, 2022: 1:14 p.m. - I finally just added a custom scrollbar to my website. It looks like the air conditioner at Verde Esterra Park was keeping my PC cool enough to play Fallout 4. I'll have to play it in the chair and use this table next to the TV to project via HDMI. I also lightened my trim color blue. I also added a better text shadow around my navigation bar buttons.
September 28, 2022: 8:12 a.m. - When I was passing out from smoking my new bong last night at about 9 p.m., I saw a white witch face in profile with my eyes closed. She turned toward me as I was opening my eyes, and then she disappeared. I woke up at a 2 a.m. to take out Breezy, smoke some more, and pass back out.
7:53 p.m. - The smiling witch I saw resembled the Courage the Cowardly Dog monster woman in the puddle, and on her left she had a smaller white fireball.
October 3, 2022: 10:00 a.m. - I abstained from caffeine for three days. I drank sweet tea again the last two days, and when I drank coffee this morning at work, I saw a red slash appear and fade in the span of about two seconds. Before I was even done drinking my coffee, a flurry of rainbow spots (mostly blue as usual) was upon me. It looks like the reduction of caffeine tolerance granted me extra effect on my hallucinations. I'll be abstaining from caffeine shortly before I visit the doctor.
6:26 p.m. - I think I'll abstain from drinking any more energy drinks. I'm going to drink sweet tea and coffee until Friday and then abstain for at least three months.
October 4, 2022: 7:43 p.m. - I've been sleeping on a camping mat in my apartment for the past week. I have yet to have my personal items delivered to me by Atlantic Relocation. I'm in the process of getting that done.
October 5, 2022: 4:20 p.m. - After quitting caffeine two days ago, I feel like time is moving more quickly, and I have a lot less stress. I don't worry about the work I have from Microsoft.
October 6, 2022: 7:02 p.m. - I weighed against ever having a child. I think it is in my best interest not to ever have a kid. It's eighteen years of being responsible for raising something from two cells to thirty trillion. I'm too independent to think I would receive a net benefit from such a thing.
October 9, 2022: 4:25 p.m. - I've started filing my taxes. I'm having someone from H&R Block do them. Yesterday, I ordered a new MSI laptop with a RTX 3080 Ti and a new Asus ROG Phone 6. I've been getting fat since I started getting food stamps in February. I had a six pack of abs back in January, but now my gut is about to poke out farther than my chest. Really all that fat is all cane sugar in sweet tea. I was drinking like 180 grams of sugar in sweet tea.
October 10, 2022: 10 a.m. - In about 5 years, my net worth should be $636,420 == (8 807âˆ’4 000)*12*5âˆ’20 000+22 000*4+70 000*4. This includes my stock benefits and bonus and assumes I spend 4,000 per month on rent, food, and extras.
October 11, 2022: 10:24 p.m. - Today, the doctor told me I have class 1 obesity. I'm 208 pounds. Two years ago, I weighed 172 once. In January, I had six pack abs. Damn son. It's all that sweet tea.
October 13, 2022: 8:56 a.m. - When I gave blood to get my STD tests on Tuesday, I barely felt it. After, I had to pee about every 30 minutes for a couple hours. I yawned a ton. This was me replenishing my blood stock.
11:14 p.m. - I got my new MSI laptop with a 3080 Ti and i9-12900HX just now. Testing writing, wow the 240 hz latency is amazing. I can't believe that I can really feel like I'm typing way better seeing the letters come up on the screen sooner after hitting the key.
October 15. 2022: 7:02 p.m. - I've started practicing guitar again. My Fallout 4 brightness setting is 30.
<amp day> October 17, 2022: 6:05 p.m. - Drinking a cup of coffee today after being abstinent 13 days until yesterday, over ten red slashes were instantiating and disappearing in like 100 milliseconds. This happened for about a minute as my caffeine peaked.
I've decided to distance myself from the label of ADHD. I mentioned that to a coworker a couple weeks ago. I'm modifying my thoughts, journal, website, and all future communications to designate myself to have Neural Deceleration Disorder (NDD). I'll bring that up with the psychiatrist. I suppose they'll have difficulty prescribing amphetamine to me since that won't be in the official DSM diagnostic manual. It doesn't matter in the context of my long term outcomes. It would matter for the next person who faces Neural Deceleration Disorder.
I doubt I'll be prescribed 5 mg four times per day with an initial psychiatry visit. Thus I've procured 5 grams of amphetamine. I intended to begin eating it on Saturday, but while I was at work, I realized I don't want to wait even that long. I'm going to eat 5 mg amphetamine tonight if it's arrived. It's best to start now.
7:58 p.m. - I'm having my last supper of frozen food from the Dollar Tree. It's fries, a frozen burger, and a frozen chicken sandwich. I took 5 mg of amphetamine at 7:45 p.m.
8:47 p.m. - Rainbow flurries are creeping into my vision. I think it's funny the guy in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 is under a red light in the radio station while I keep turning the color temperature to cool on my displays. I think that's a coincidence, but maybe it isn't. I have a one notch shifted red brightness setting in my Intel Graphics control panel. My contrast setting is the same. Those algorithms run on the RGB values of colors based on their individual color sums or some other formula.
October 19, 2022: 9:59 a.m. - A while back, I casually mentioned during a Microsoft meeting that I might have trouble talking to foreigners and understanding their accent. It was a subject of discussion for like 30 seconds. The very next morning, some guy, Travis Lowdermilk, pressed me for a meeting like it was some kind of big concern. Another weird part was when this guy said, "Tell you what" over Teams.
Now this morning I've got an email from the Workplace Investigations Team demanding I meet today over a "concern related to my alleged behavior in the workplace." I was worried this job would be some kind of BS to screw me over harder. I guess I'll see then. Perhaps it is a test of my character to see how I handle it. Perhaps they're looking for any excuse to lay people off.
11:12 a.m. - My right eyebrow feels like it's bubbling with foam. It's healing from my hunger strike.
11:46 a.m. - It's still bubbling and has been on and off for about a minute at a time since 10:30. Now my head is vibrating in the top left just above my temple. I wonder what's going to happen with the changes induced by amphetamine.
2:24 p.m. - I've had a couple bouts of nausea that lasted a few seconds. My right ear has been hurting for about two minutes. My right eyebrow is still foaming.
6:19 p.m. - Wow, I was right. That dude Ben from that meeting said I said Microsoft shouldn't hire foreigners. I was also pressed about my website. I assume it was for its NSFW content, but that was never disclosed to me, and I didn't ask. I did explain it was NSFW, and I don't intend to associate with Microsoft.
6:52 p.m. - It is important I don't publish this. This could hinder my future efforts to procure my various drugs. I would have to publish this posthumously or something. Who cares about this other than some esoteric researcher?
<Retrospective> 10/30/22: 8:15 a.m. - The guy who reported me was probably named Ben. I'll have to look up his last name.
October 20, 2022: 8:22 p.m. - I can feel my upper lip quivering in an inversely parabolic shape as thin as a small guitar string.
October 21, 2022: 8:29 p.m. - My ass started to itch like crazy for a bit at like 4 a.m. last night and again at like 6 p.m. today. I think something in my body affected by amphetamine is allowing this damn STD to spread. It happened last time I started using amphetamine but disappeared soon after. This means everything should be fine.
October 22, 2022: 8:43 p.m. - I'm seeing a rainbow eye looking at me from my computer. Hallucinations are definitely getting more vivid. If everything occurs on the same time line as last time, I'll white out tomorrow night just like in the early morning of August 30, 2021.
October 24, 2022: 11:51 a.m. - I saw a 2 inch wide, shimmering, sky blue rectangle stretch across my field of vision while looking at my computer screen. It was there for about two full seconds.
3:49 p.m. - I see rainbow mouths curling around the text in my PowerShell window.
9:14 p.m. - I made a mistake in my last journal entry and put the date as the night before since I was making the journal entry at 3:20 a.m. According to that, I should experience the white out deceleration of my neural activity tonight. I actually set two alarms for the middle of last night to make sure I experienced it.
October 25, 2022: 11:34 a.m. - I didn't have too many rainbow visuals last night, but they were there and still are. Last night rainbow eyes were curling, peeking, and staring at me. They didn't even last 100 ms. I can see rainbow lines and shapes jutting out from other shapes like my computer or the ceiling tiling. I wonder if I'll white out at all.
5:38 p.m. - My left temple is burning a bit like a rug burn. I could feel a little bubbling at first, but that subsided after a couple seconds.
6:56 p.m. - I feel more changes in both my temples this time. There's a pressure in them which transforms to a hollow feeling; they're pulsating.
7:21 p.m. - I felt bad all day. However, so long as I consciously maintain a positive attitude through calm, responsive, and informative actions, I shall succeed in the end. I will achieve a more stable sense of happiness.
9:18 p.m. - My ass isn't itching anymore. I wonder what that mechanism is. I wonder what other nuances of biology are affected by amphetamine.
October 26, 2022: 6:39 p.m. - The time of my neural oscillation effect of a white out could be proportional to their current amplitudes. Since I medicated 5 months not too long ago, it would probably take effect a bit later than the five days and a night of the last time.
October 29, 2022: 9:55 a.m. - The pain and hallucinatory remnants of my "hunger strike" rear their head again once the dextroamphetamine about wears off three hours after taking it. This has consistently happened the past eleven days or so. It just hurt behind my right eye. I can still see red slashes form. Rainbow eyes tend to form in my periphery.
October 31, 2022: 9:19 a.m. - Yesterday and today my left ear has been clogged just like that day the first week of my last amphetamine regimen last year. It is still my assumption that the changes amphetamine will induce depend on the amount of training and this stability my neurons have gotten. Today is day 12 which means it took at least twice as long. I need to get some hydrogen peroxide like last time. I can't hear out of my left ear when I use headphones.
10:22 a.m. - I can still see rainbow lines moving around. I briefly saw an eye in the top right corner of my IDE code. It's faint though. It's like being on 5-10 mg of 3-MeO-PCP with tolerance.
9:39 p.m. - I carved a pumpkin at work. I put an apple cinnamon candle in it, and it smells amazing even an hour after extinguishing the candle.
November 2, 2022: 2:56 p.m. - Rainbow lines are showing up everywhere, and objects are morphing in my periphery. I could see a white rectangle forming on my computer screen over the dark grey background.
3:18 p.m. - Earlier when the rainbow lines were in prominence, I also felt tingling and shifting in a circle in my forehead. This started at about 2:30, and it's mostly subsided. It looks like the expectation of amphetamine is settling into my neurons' daily routine.
November 5, 2022: 2:32 p.m. - I'm thinking of acquiring some 3-Cl-PCP. I'll wait a bit until everything settles with my amphetamine. The only problem is a normal dose is over 50 mg. Thus it's expensive and almost certainly inferior to 3-MeO-PCP. I don't even have time to properly experiment with it. I suppose I'll have to stick to nitrous and ketamine. But those are expensive and won't put me to work.
8:15 p.m. - According to my research on forums, 3-Me-PCP is probably the best thing to try. However, it's not available.
9:10 p.m. - I believe the hallucinatory experience from medicating my disorder will also be proportional to the time spent away from changes induced by amphetamine. This is in addition to my current neural oscillatory amplitude. Last time I only waited six months before medicating again. This time I waited nine months.
November 6, 2022: 8:59 a.m. - After reading more on Reddit, I've decided to order 3-Fl-PCP. I'm going to wait a bit before that. I'm going to wait for my other order to arrive. I want more time to observe my amphetamine induced changes.
November 8, 2022: 12:13 p.m. - Rainbow hallucinations and morphing tend to take place the heaviest around 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. I expected them to be strongest around 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. Yesterday, I thought I saw a trail of ants running around my monitor's top left edge. I also saw black outlines around text. This would be the revitalization of the sacrifices I made during my "hunger strike".
7:59 p.m. - My temples are burning again.
November 12, 2022: 11:05 a.m. - I woke up to take a fiery Carolina Reaper shit at 5 a.m. this morning. I slept from 7 a.m. to 10 a.m. after eating 15 mg amphetamine. I can see rainbows forming. Rainbow smiles are curling as I type this.
7:49 p.m. - I just finished migrating my website from Ubuntu 17.04 to Ubuntu 22.10. It's been 5.5 years since I started. I fixed a bunch of issues by creating a new droplet VM with Digital Ocean and transferring everything to the new one. I also had to upgrade my PHP code to use mysqli_num_rows() instead of sizeof() for PHP 8.1.
8:57 p.m. - I can see pretty vivid rainbow eyes and smiles. Some of them were decently complex and pretty with things like eyelashes.
9:02 p.m. - This has been happening for over 30 minutes now. This is the second intense moment I've had. The last was 10 days ago.
November 13, 2022: 10:40 a.m. - I've had about four pepper shits now from 5 a.m. yesterday to 6 a.m. this morning. They sting a decent bit.
2:17 p.m. - I'm not going to order another vape and I'm not returning my defective one. Due to poor quality control at the moment, the vaporizer could explode in my mouth. I could have worse than a broken USB charging port next time I order something.
9:16 p.m. - Most of the time I'm not hallucinating, but if I smoke a full bowl, I hallucinate.
November 15, 2022: 3:02 p.m. - It's still like I'm tripping on 0-10 mg of 3-MeO-PCP every day. I only hallucinate like 10 mg 3-MeO-PCP if I smoke a bowl.
November 18, 2022: 6:21 p.m. - I finally finished Fallout 4 again after playing for 74 hours over 3 months. This time I played the DLC which I didn't have back in December 2015 when I finished it back at my old Columbus house.
6:49 p.m. - It is greedy to lament the death of another; I should cherish the time I spent with my mother rather than mourn the time I could not grasp.
November 20, 2022: 7:49 p.m. - I started drawing the little town of Resarc yesterday. I've got a fence and schoolhouse.
November 22, 2022: 7:15 p.m. - I remember a few weeks ago, my manager's manager was talking to me about how I need to learn more about the pieces of Microsoft code I'm using in relation to the larger context of Azure. I can't write much here since I'm not allowed to personally log anything I do with Microsoft tech. Anyway, I saw a white shine over my manager's manager's face as I found my vision blurred. It was hard to orate sentences during that conversation. I'm still questioning whether it was a complete coincidence the white shine was over his face. I wonder if it has any relation to the masks of Michael Myers and Jason as well as the white faces in Shinin' from The Boondocks and the end of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2. I whited out and heard a loud sound back in late 2021 while on amphetamine. I imagine I have effects of my disorder I still won't see until I'm old.
I'm starting to feel some pains in my forehead above my left eye. Yesterday, I felt some pain in the back right of my head. Each of these means there is something critical changing for the better in that area.
November 24, 2022: 1:39 p.m. - Since I'm on my amphetamine regimen and cannot easily leave it, I have limited options for getting high in other ways. For a short high I can find at home in the brief periods in the day when I'm not on amphetamine, I have weed, DMT, ketamine, and MDMA. For a high that may compliment my amphetamine, the only thing I had besides caffeine was 3-MeO-PCP. Now the only thing I can see that may work is 3-Fl-PCP. I assume 3-Me-PCP will be a good candidate after reading that it's a 3-MeO-PCP fan's second favorite.
2:42 p.m. - Amphetamine already feels so overbearing. It's not a good idea to try these new PCP analogues. I've tried a good many, but 3-MeO-PCP and MXE were the only ones with which I could lift weights, and they're both gone.
6:19 p.m. - If I believe Wikipedia, 3-Cl-PCP is a DRI. This means I cannot consume it at all costs. The Wikipedia article about 3-MeO-PCP was ahead of its time, and this one can be too. Other things that remind me of that are, "Don't you see don't you" from The Word Alive and "You are just getting mean as a sting bat, CL." from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. The "You will fall" from Tribal Ink and "What you feel" from Nova Prospekt make me think 3-Fl-PCP is the right way to go. Perhaps I'm looking too deeply into those lyrics, but perhaps not. There are people out there who have more knowledge of these things than me. Many of these drugs were synthesized in the 70's and 80's after PCP.
8:39 p.m. - I willl hold off on purchasing any more drugs until another month has passed. That way, it will be 3 months when I receive it.
November 25, 2022: 6:36 p.m. - I got some weights on sale for Black Friday.
November 26, 2022: 11:20 a.m. - It's weird how niggers celebrate Juneteenth, and then for the next 100 years after Juneteenth, niggers were shuffled from the back of the bus to be lynched from the trees. It's been about 100 years since amphetamine was discovered. I can expect the exact same treatment. What could go wrong? The United States had slavery and Jim Crow for way longer than other nations. In 2022, U.S. states are still removing prison as an exception from slavery in their state constitutions. My mom was a racist and would be about sixty today. That means about 20% of white people are still racist.
1:11 p.m. - I'm lifting weights and toning myself watching Tony Montana in Scarface. I have my own scar of a face. I can see it now.
3:15 p.m. - I notice in Scarface they say "way" a lot and probably refer to Washington (WA). A lot of the things that reference my neural deceleration disorder bring that up. It could mean the state, the capital, or both. But it's probably the state. Microsoft was born here, and Microsoft owns personal computing with a market share of 90% of operating systems.
4:32 p.m. - The talking about kids in Scarface was interesting. I was a kid left in the dark on my disorder.
5:31 p.m. - Scarface was lying in a pool of blood in a blue fountain. It kind of reminds me of looking down at the shiny scarlet face by rainbow fringes back in August 2021. I wonder if there were references to nuclear weapons in Scarface. I'd have to watch it again to confirm it. There was something about the green light in the car window behind Tony in a scene. She mentioned the yellow car looked like someone's nightmare. The balls references makes me wonder since they do the same thing in the South Park medical marijuana episode. It was also in See Spot Run, but the mob boss had his balls ripped off by a dog and replaced by metal balls just like the one that's at the end of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. What could someone do with my balls? I can't think of anything. I think it's just a stupid joke. After a brief pause, now I remember the selective breeding evolutionary traits thing from which society and me could learn.
7:04 p.m. - I'm not motivated to play video games or make video games in Godot. The rainbow visuals I was seeing are oscillating and lessening in intensity but still there. I could see rainbow lines forming eyes in addition to stern and happy faces, but occasionally I could also see splotches of solid colors. I can see faint red slashes, but they are very overshadowed by the rainbow stuff.
Now I doubt the ability of the doctors to tell me what's wrong with me. I'm not going to go to the doctor for any tests about my disorder until the mystery folk nudge me in such a direction. There's a shortage of Adderall right now too.
9:03 p.m. - I started lifting weights again two days ago. Today was my second day lifting weights again, so I did my opposite set of exercises.
November 27, 2022: 12:02 p.m. - If the doctors can't diagnose me with something in the DSM diagnostic manual, then they can't prescribe me with a controlled substance. This is another strategic victory for me.
2:49 p.m. - That "asshole" thing in Scarface was interesting since it could refer to my disorder's amphetamine hole.
November 28, 2022: 7:42 p.m. - I think some dopaminergic portion of myself is waving in the long term now. I feel strange at work sometimes. I'm waving all over the place. It's just a supposition. I don't have more than an eerie feeling to characterize it. If weird things were happening at the hour and a half and three hour mark, then I could safely say that. Still, perhaps the part that's waving is dependent on action by levoamphetamine, in which case I would feel the brunt of the change at around the 63 minute mark. Still, not all the actions of levoamphetamine peak at the 42 minute mark, and not all the actions of dextroamphetamine peak at the 1.5 hour mark. I do notice my typing speed has slowed.
I started lifting weights again for the third day today, but I forgot I still need gloves. Else I will slip during bench press and injure my arm to the point I can't open doors without pain shooting up my forearm.
9:46 p.m. - I need to examine the hallucinations I experienced for five months with amphetamine and right after saving 3-MeO-PCP for later back in summer 2021. They prove I can successfully numb myself as long as I like, but the ill effects I was getting from 3-MeO-PCP were from its addictive side and not from any permanently damaging effects it has on my body. However, I am permanently addicted to 3-MeO-PCP. I'm also permanently addicted to ketamine but much, much less.
November 29, 2022: 6:54 p.m. - Edibles are wasteful. I can eat 100 mg of THC and get a little high, but if I smoke .4 grams of 25% TCH weed, I get way more high.
7:21 p.m. - I started to see rainbow faces most strongly at about 7:05 p.m. after smoking weed until 6:50 p.m. and eating amphetamine at 7:00. I've got a good job, and I must not tell anyone about hallucinations I have. Though it's becoming a part of my every day life, most people will look at me funny forever if I tell them that. They are still there but fading.
It snowed today for the first time since I came to Seattle. It snowed the most I've seen since 2014. Typically an early snow like this means there will be heavier snow later. It's also supposed to snow the rest of this week, but I think the snow season will peak around March like it does in Georgia.
November 29, 2022: 8:20 p.m. - I don't really want to play video games right now. I think I'm in the trough of some waving of the functioning of a collection of neuron cells responsible for that.
Breezy has to wait six days until he can earn his freedom from his crate. Crate training is the way to go. I found even four days wasn't enough for him, so instead of five, I bumped him up to six.
November 30, 2022: 8:25 a.m. - How could the doctors know I'm slowly fading? How could the doctors know I'm oscillating unless they prescribe me the controlled substance amphetamine on the assumption I am telling the truth? They can't prescribe things like that on good faith. Well, they prescribe amphetamine to people who say they can't pay attention. What benefit would I get besides having to take a drug test every month? I want to learn and not be held down. I want facts, statistics, and predictions.
December 1, 2022: 4:42 p.m. - I felt a sharp pain in the top front of my head five minutes ago. This was immediately followed by a pain in my right arm. Now my eyes hurt. I've been focusing all day on my work, but I've been waxing and waning in my self esteem.
6:00 p.m. - I don't hurt very much from amphetamine like I did last year. I also haven't seen rainbow girls every day. I briefly saw one with my eyes closed near the start of this amphetamine regimen. I mostly just see rainbow squiggles now. I wonder how my experience this time will line up with last year. I had a lot of things happen in that five months.
7:29 p.m. - It's been 48 days since I started taking amphetamine.
December 3, 2022: 12:47 p.m. - I'm prying for information on 3-Fl-PCP on reddit. Hopefully I can find something out. It's imperative I be careful and don't try any new drugs while on amphetamine. It could upset my body's balance since my body is already out of balance.
December 4, 2022: 10:58 a.m. - I weigh 197.8 pounds. I have 2 grams of amphetamine left. That means I have at most 20 days left. I've been thinking I have less than a gram for a couple days now, so this is good news. I need to order more amphetamine in a week if my Germany order hasn't shown up yet. It's been 30 days today. My order will likely show up in a couple days since there are snow and holiday delays. I live in Washington, so even if I get caught, I won't face disastrous consequences for trying to better my life in secret.
12:59 p.m. - I'm struggling to find something to make this day feel impactful. It will be impossible. I must wait for my biological clock to make my day feel impactful.
2:03 p.m. - I can see rainbow faces gleefully smiling and waving at me. I can also see them dissipate into splotches of color or see new splotches of a random color appear. Green is almost always a prominent color. I can see some red slashes a bit. I lifted weights yesterday for the first time since getting my gloves on Friday. Now I can safely bench press. The rainbow faces are a lot stronger than they've been the past few weeks.
3:54 p.m. - I slept in until 9:54 this morning. I can still sleep on 25 mg of amphetamine. I just started taking 25 mg Friday night. Next time I will move up to 27.
5:33 p.m. - I'm hungry. I ate a bunch of shrimp and pepper filled honey mustard at about 3:15. I was thinking of getting some snacks from the dollar store, but now I'm watching the Fat Camp episode of South Park and focusing on losing weight instead of arbitrarily eating more food than necessary. I've already lost 6 pounds since beginning my amphetamine regimen back 7 weeks ago.
8:14 p.m. - I won't be getting anything other than amphetamine for a bit. These people are still watching me because I haven't had a resolution to my workplace investigation at Microsoft.
December 6, 2022: 3:35 p.m. - I feel a pain all over the back of my right eye socket and behind my eye itself. I can see rainbow lines and red slashes. My neck itches.
December 8, 2022: 5:25 p.m. - I'm hot and cold all over except my head which is just hot. My temples are very hot and slightly burning. I don't feel very good overall. I'm also restless. I ate well and have been working at my desk all day. This started about 30 minutes ago. I wonder what in my body is prominently changing.
5:36 p.m. - My head itches on the front top, and the previous issues continue. My right eye hurt for less than 100 ms. My head also hurts all around the right part of my forehead and the accompanying temple. My temples begin to burn.
7:03 p.m. - The burning sensation is receding, and rainbow tendrils are curling up. I overall feel positive now instead of the overall negative feeling I felt for the couple hours preceding this. I got to work at 9:30 and left at 6:00 with a question for my manager. I'd call that a successful day. Ambivalence is abound here, but there is no doubt I feel a positive undertone within myself.
8:48 p.m. - I feel a hell of a lot better.
December 9, 2022: 1:47 p.m. - A churning feeling in my stomach is forming as the dextroamphetamine leaves my body. This has been present once or twice per day around that three hour mark.
2:43 p.m. - My middle left forehead feels like it's being pricked on the inside by 1-5 red hot tacks or needles. My right temple is burning a little bit. The burning sensation is slithering along my forehead across the middle and to the right like a hot wire.
3:05 p.m. - Rainbow tendrils curl around my vision after eating my 25 mg amphetamine on schedule. Brief flashes of faces smile at me and dissipate back into chaotic tendrils. I could still see some red slashes earlier at around 2 p.m., but they've mostly vanished from my life.
4:16 p.m. - My stomach is churning again and this time at a different prominent time.
4:25 p.m. - My head violently twitched, and now it hurts in my temples.
4:28 p.m. - An intense pulsating pain in just above my top left forehead captivated me for less than 2 seconds.
7:46 p.m. - I started doing my wrong workout. I started bench press, but I'm supposed to be doing military press.
December 11, 2022: 12:49 p.m. - I run out of amphetamine in about 11 days. I'm verifying my Coinbase account and then buying from this US vendor again. My order from Germany never arrived. It looks like I was selectively scammed. I'm not supposed to order from vendors that have reports of selective scamming, but I fucked up and didn't check. I'm also not supposed to order from vendors with suspiciously broken English that a basic translator or high school Spanish equivalent skills wouldn't write.
4:34 p.m. - The dog washer is on the fifth floor of the second phase of the building, and the big trash bin is on the second floor.
December 12, 2022: 7:14 p.m. - I eat respect for breakfast every day. I should listen to that song Walk more. It's easy to get lost in my problems when amphetamine is vibrating and changing me so much. I feel my face vibrating. Nothing is safe on Coinbase. I got past their 2 step verification just by clicking Verify with nothing entered and attempting to sign in again.
December 13, 2022: 2:12 p.m. - Just behind my right eyebrow has been hurting for about 45 minutes. My top right head has been hurting for about 2 hours total today starting at about 11:15 a.m. It hurts enough for me to stop working and bow my head for a minute.
3:32 p.m. - Wow my head hurts a lot around the top right and curling over the top of my temple to my right ear.
4:12 p.m. - Pain is still in my head, but it's shifted to my right side just above my right ear. Just before that, it felt like a fissure erupted from the top right of my head back to that spot.
5:19 p.m. - My head still hurts in my right eyebrow. Right now it hurts about like I knocked it on the edge of a table.
7:59 p.m. - I feel it's important to log this. There was a shooting at the Golden Spa adjacent to the Platinum Club strip club where I was getting fucked by Taylor and ESi. Some guy was getting fucked by the masseuses at the parlor, and he was a confused Christian who decided he needed to shoot the prostitutes to absolve his sins and the future sins of his peers. What happened after that in March 2021? I had just gotten to ESA, and this was just when people started following and tormenting me as hard as they could. What's changed since then? Nothing. What will happen in the future? Worse will happen in the future. Despite my insanity, I'm a rational person at heart.
11:16 p.m. - I'm going to start weighing my preworkout.
December 14, 2022: 7:24 p.m. - My rainbow faces and tendrils are definitely decreasing in intensity now and just as before.
December 15, 2022: 1:47 p.m. - Rainbow lines are ebbing and flowing from every edge and along every surface. I just ate about 880 calories. My black jacket looked like it was staring at me with a straight face of slight dismay. Such hallucinations of the color black will increase in intensity from here. They will remain just as when I was a kid. The rainbow hallucinations cannot be completely dismantled either. They will return one day.
3:55 p.m. - I still have a light pain covering the right side of my head in the same spot as yesterday. I've been feeling down all day. I'm going to try to get some MDMA to try to pick myself back up. Even if it's only for a few days, I must do something. I don't want to feel this way all the time.
7:07 p.m. - I ingested 42 mg of caffeine through 1.6 grams of preworkout where 6.78 grams is one scoop of 175 mg caffeine.
8:22 p.m. - The light from my laptop monitor look dimmer.
9:58 p.m. - I started watching Requiem for a Dream at about 7:30. However, now I've turned it off and am instead watching The Hunger Strike on The Boondocks. It's time for my dextroamphetamine to finish working its observable course. Requiem for a Dream talks about combining MDMA with methamphetamine to alleviate some of the negative effects of meth. I think it's responsible for that "perfect" feeling I got when I was lying down watching TV after eating "MDMA" I got from that guy Addy. I believe it was cut with meth. I soon after left my bed and jerked off. If I was really on just MDMA, I would not have moved, and I would not have felt that so called "perfect" feeling. Perhaps this is also alluded to in Hotel California by "pink champagne". I may never leave amphetamine. I don't know of the significance of 1969, but it matches the death of my alleged predecessor.
The fridge scene with the old woman made a guess as to what my future holds. If I don't get that hunger mechanism from levoamphetamine, that's what happens. I saw that on January 5, 2021 when I tried using MDA as an alibi for my amphetamine withdrawal. Perhaps one day my amphetamine won't be enough to keep my problems at bay.
42 mg of caffeine from my preworkout was actually a little too much. Next time I will use 35 mg.
12:59 a.m. - That was too much caffeine. I have to get up at seven tomorrow. F'in A.
<Retrospective> 12/18/22: 1:10 p.m. - Mrs. Goldfarb's television imagery looked just like what I saw when I was screwed up on MDA back in January 2021. I saw an altered version of what was supposed to be on the TV, and it looked very real. What she saw flying toward her in the ceiling is a lot like what happened after I did a ton of 3-MeO-PCP for a while. Perhaps I won't be able to sustain 3-MeO-PCP even after four years. But I'd like to believe I can.
December 16, 2022: 7:01 a.m. - I'm now at 30 mg amphetamine as of 7:00. I'm increasing my dosage on Friday evenings by 2-3 mg so I have some time to settle in and be myself on the weekend.
11:11 a.m. - I just ordered some MDMA.
December 18, 2022: 1:01 p.m. - I was going to write something here, but I got distracted by Family Guy after smoking from my bong. Almost no good games have come out since I screwed myself over by quitting my job while paranoid, so I'm watching TV.
December 18, 2022: I need to try doing this randomly and expect it to make a strange effect like on 12/19/21: take my 11 a.m. medicine 7 minutes early and take my 7 p.m. medicine ten minutes late. That was four months in. I'm only two months in now.
December 19, 2022: 7:42 p.m. - I need 1.35 grams of preworkout for 35 mg of caffeine. I'm going with 1.6 grams == 42 mg this time.
12:41 p.m. - I hear through various media and vague descriptions from people that my documented pressure from unknown groups of people is to toughen me up, practice sadism, steal my STD infected cells for scientific research, harvest my organs, use my various neural deficiencies to learn more about the human body and it's military applications, and legalize drugs.
December 21, 2022: 7:53 a.m. - I had to reschedule my STD test since it was snowing and the bus had a diversion. I'm eating 3.1 grams of preworkout with 80 mg of caffeine, the average cup of coffee's worth.
9:57 a.m. - My teeth hurt really badly. I've been brushing my teeth and using mouthwash morning and night, and I floss every night. I just did that routine about an hour ago. They hurt a lot, especially my front right and surrounding teeth. This is likely related to the problems in my teeth I developed from the hunger strike.
I'm also taking an extra day off of weightlifting today. I started to, but I walked around the block with my dog and was a little sore all over, so I'm resting to build more muscle.
4:01 p.m. - My lips are numb, and I see a lattice pattern of dim dark blue forming. Perhaps this really is some sort of dopaminergic oscillation similar to January.
December 22, 2022: 7:22 a.m. - I just weighed out 90 mg of caffeine. I'm hoping the synergy will give me a nice masturbating experience before I work out. As expected, now I am admiring the beauty of Taylor and ESi, two of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen. I made the right decision having sex with them. They are drop dead 10/10 women, and I could have been waiting the rest of my life for women that beautiful. I couldn't find anyone as beautiful as them in all my time walking Atlanta, GA. I'm definitely still smitten. The caffeine definitely is increasing my appreciation of them.
9:46 p.m. - I'm getting an additional 60 mg of caffeine.
December 23, 2022: 7:41 a.m. - There's nothing better than the feeling of washing away my own tears by coming up on amphetamine. I can still feel the pressure in my eyes clearing up.
December 24, 2022: 2:48 a.m. - I just woke up and saw a rainbow headless entity strolling toward me across my sliding door on my left, the elbow length, sports jersey sleeve trailing behind like a beckoning in the wind as the entity curved to my left and disappeared on the other side of the door and wall. It was tall and lanky with its head extending just past the top of the sliding doorway to obscure it. I thought it was real at first and sat up saying, "Who the fuck is that?" It was moving through 3D space just like when I was a kid. There was a number on that jersey, but I didn't note it. It reminded me of Eddy's big brother from Ed, Edd, and Eddy. Now I'm wide awake.
3:51 a.m. - My rainbow visuals are still minor disturbances like very transparent lines and such. This was a shift. Now I'm watching Always Sunny instead of The Boondocks which was on when I woke up. I woke up because my neurons receded in their firing rates while I was sleeping. I can see lattices now. The lattices were prominent right after that entity disappeared across the doorway. I was very captivated as soon as I woke up. It was like waking into a dream.
5:38 a.m. - I'm still awake. Using my historical analysis of my hallucinations, I infer I was missing the electrical impulses responsible for the PCP2 receptor and the same one that caused the 3D blue wire hallucination. What other mechanisms were at play are unknown to me. The NMDA receptor was definitely affected in close proximity. I just started lifting weights three weeks ago at the beginning of the month. This hallucination was a symbol of my athleticism and muscular physique returning.
5:56 a.m. - My head has been itching for about a month now. I'm scratching it like Bubba from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. The center of my forehead also itches and has been itching for about 2-3 weeks.
6:59 a.m. - I weighed out 33 mg of amphetamine and 110 mg of caffeine.
9:36 a.m. - I'm lifting weights and watching Die Hard 2: Die Harder. It has a lot of references to my list of NDD issues.
10:38 a.m. - Like Tropic Thunder, if he dies, I die harder, man. All the red face in Die Harder makes me think of the red planes I saw, one dark on the wall like period blood and one light on the floor making a rainbow traced face.
11:12 p.m. - An interesting thing to note about today is I didn't feel very good until I started my amphetamine cycle at 7 a.m. I only felt good for the second or two after I awoke to hallucinate less than thirty minutes after that. That hallucination was about ten feet tall since it stretched to the ceiling. It basically looked like me in basketball shorts and a big jersey. I remember seeing the shin coming toward me. Two days ago, the black hallucinations that occur far away started coming in.
December 25, 2022: 12:21 p.m. - I'm watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 again to commemorate my overcoming of last year.
December 26, 2022: 7:03 p.m. - My artistic endeavors haven't been satisfactory over the past two months of my amphetamine regimen. I'm getting MDMA so I can give myself a little push.
December 27, 2022: 10:54 p.m. - The future of humanity is to not ever drink alcohol and tobacco, especially when pregnant. Someone like me might not be born for quite some time in the future by other mutation.
11:23 p.m. - I just smoked some weed. Private Dindu Nuffins at my service.
December 28, 2022: 9:50 a.m. - Later, I'm going to watch Pokemon: The First Movie: Mewtwo Strikes Back again soon. I suppose I'm like Mew being incubated to spew out neurotic clones.
December 29, 2022: 12:22 p.m. - I see tons of red slashes, more than I've seen in a while. I see lattices and wandering rainbow lines. I forgot my main phone at home when I went to work. I feel a little dumb and forgetful. I spent quite too long deciding if I wanted water or milk for lunch.
I assume I need to eat more levoamphetamine than I needed before to counteract this unknown STD or STD's. I'll never return to Adderall. To do so is to play that Tommy from ESA's blue card of dextroamphetamine, to be a victim of those infecting everything I need and do, and to fall back to the very ground I just left written. I'm sure I can always get Evekeo.
2:58 p.m. - My stomach doesn't feel too great sometimes. I wonder why. Perhaps it's some sort of oscillation of that hunger mechanism of levoamphetamine.
4:04 p.m. - The amphetamine coursing through my veins are actors of the movie Tropic Thunder Cantrell Edition.
5:54 p.m. - The top front of my head is super itchy.
December 30, 2022: 3:59 p.m. - I'm taking an extra rest day again. My last three day stint ended only 8 days ago and began 16 days after I started working out again. That's only half the time of the last one. This is the first time I'm starting to lift weights with a decent amount of amphetamine already in my system. That's a confounding factor to my starting up. This new power rack is nice, and I use CAP weights that are hard plastic.
December 31, 2022: 7:14 a.m. - I haven't written this down, but it's bothered me for a while now. All those hallucinatory things on my list are mentioned across things like A Date with the Health Inspector with The Boondocks. Perhaps they are not only useful for enhancing intercourse. Perhaps I am being groomed like Jeffrey Epstein's "clients". Perhaps it is a shitty bargaining chip to threaten me to be good. Perhaps it is my rationale to retaliate.
11:55 a.m. - Given I've had a strange experience with a chlorine substituted molecule, DOC, I think I will also have a bad time with 3-Cl-PCP. It's also given a bad reputation in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 through mention of C.L. and Fletcher (3-Cl-PCP and 3-Fl-PCP). I had a good experience with using 2-FMA, another fluorine substituted molecule. I suppose the shape formed by a fluorine substitution in the methoxy group of 3-MeO-PCP would yield good results.
3:34 p.m. - About 20-25 minutes ago, my left ear started vibrating and swirling like a helicopter or fan. I wonder what that was about. It was just like the end of that song Breathless by Asking Alexandria. I did lift weights today and get a new PR. Perhaps it is something related to the ability of amphetamine to completely disable my ability to hear with my prefrontal cortex. Hearing has its origins before sight since it is easier to detect, especially underwater. It could have its roots in the bursting nature of adrenaline.
4:17 p.m. - 33 mg of amphetamine is looking to saturate, satiate, and sustain me for at least another week. I've watched Idiocracy, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, and Tropic Thunder all today. I'm finishing Tropic Thunder on the "finish it by myself" line right now.
6:25 p.m. - I've changed my mind. Last week, after upping my dose, I had a miraculous oscillation of my neurons. I'm going to try it again. I'm going to up my dosage to 36 mg today. I can ensure adequate saturation of my neurons needing training, ensure faster growth of my intelligence, hallucinate more through oscillations of action potentials.
January 1, 2023: 4:58 p.m. - I'm dry and thirsty again just like back in June 2021. This is due to amphetamine oscillations. MDMA should flood my skin cells back with water.
6:06 p.m. - I want to work on something like Google Glass at Microsoft. Hololens could really take off.
January 3, 2023: 7:57 p.m. - I've known this for about forever, but the same stimulating mechanism of 3-MeO-PCP, alleged to be the Sigma-1 receptor agonism, can be trained in my self by amphetamine. After training myself with amphetamine, my artistic quantity and quality attained through 3-MeO-PCP will increase.
January 4, 2023: 2:07 p.m. - My deadlift is already at 315 for 5 reps. It's going to go up rapidly for a bit more as I both drop weight and gain muscle. I'm doing one set of deadlifts right now and three sets of stability squats. Before, I was working my way up to one set of my max weight of 5 reps, and that worked out great even without stability squats at all. I should be all set doing that amount of leg workouts since they utilize close to the max my body can output.
3:29 p.m. - I still believe I'm being watched. I believe those around me to be harboring secrets about me. People are plotting to hurt me; I know this to be fact based on my previous journal entries.
10:39 p.m. - My eyes hurt. It feels like their surface hurts.
11:21 p.m. - My brow itches a ton. So does the top of my head.
January 5, 2023: 8:39 p.m. - I walked to the weed store and Safeway grocery store before I went to work today. I just got home. I had to turn the music volume up about 25% over yesterday. This is just to hear it. These are both departures from my norm.
January 6, 2023: 6:10 p.m. - I just got back from H&R Block to pay my taxes from the past two years. I was jacking off for like five minutes, and then my dick got soft and very numb. I have NMDA receptors that aren't sending action potentials. I can feel my lips purse so that I slur my words just talking in my normal tone.
9:08 p.m. - I'm beginning to think I should be doing four sets of my lifts. I started thinking this a couple weeks ago. I might. Right now I'm doing that for deadlifts, and it's working out. When I lift heavier sets, I have to do four sets. Could training with amphetamine really make me need only four sets? Now, I usually find my third repetition is easier than the first two, which is a drastic departure from my last few years lifting weights where I would decrease my amount of repetitions from 5 to 2 over five sets.
9:58 p.m. - I still have the desire to do a fifth set of rows, despite not having the desire to do a fifth set of bench until I recuperated. I'll keep doing five sets. I did have a desire to do the last set of bench in the end.
12:06 p.m. - That caffeine of 100 mg followed by 40 mg one half hour later made me nauseous. I must now cut back on my caffeine.
January 7, 2023: 10:43 a.m. - My scale read 197.4 pounds today. That's almost 8 pounds lost.
1:13 p.m. - I feel a pain moving in an oval around my left eye and passing through its eyebrow. It's been hurting for a few minutes now. It hurts a lot.
1:15 p.m. - My left eyebrow is starting to burn a little.
1:16 p.m. - My left eyebrow is starting to itch. My dextroamphetamine is decreasing in effect on my dopaminergic system at this time. A few minutes ago, I saw a big red slash appear across my vision while sitting at my computer.
4:06 p.m. - The back of my head hurts now. My left eye still hurts.
4:25 p.m. - Red slashes are still raining but usually one at a time. Lattices are forming front and center while rainbows curls adorn my periphery, and crimson slashes stretch across up to 80% of my horizontal visual field. My ears were just ringing for about one second as I walked back to my chair from the kitchen.
5:44 p.m. - The pain around my left eye has disappeared. The back of my head still feels like a spoon is being pressed against the back of my head.
7:42 p.m. - My head is feeling a lot better. I can feel myself starting to smile inside and out. However, less than one minute passed before that pain came back to the back of my head.
January 8, 2023: 11:50 a.m. - When I take MDMA, I'm going to start watching ChaoS;HEAd, jerk off, and then finish watching the show.
January 9, 2023: 8:50 p.m. - I've decided to quit trying to learn guitar. I've decided to quit trying to make music since I haven't ever really enjoyed making it outside of extraordinary circumstances like ketamine or NDD. I'm going to fill my video games with ambient sound effects to captivate the engaged.
January 10, 2023: 7:04 a.m. - I woke up over ten times last night.
7:10 p.m. - I told my coworkers out loud in the open office I have an STD I got from an unknown woman at a gentleman's club. That's part of explaining my neurodiversity. I do believe the Mew caricature placed above my head on a light fixture by my latino coworker Edwin Diaz is a mockery of me, my STD, and my NDD. It's been there since I got there. Mew is the rarest pokemon, and the creator of others who was kept in a research lab by the evil Pokemon Mewtwo.
7:49 p.m. - Back in early 2022, there was a Microsoft executive who was shot dead with his child in the backseat of his car. He had a recently estranged wife, worked out, and seemed like the cocaine type. He must have really fucked someone over. It's eerie because this occurred when I was applying to Microsoft, and I work at Microsoft now. It's most likely just the estranged wife, and I can't assume anything at all anyway. I'll tuck that away though. Perhaps it will be relevant later. I should not bring it up with colleagues.
8:50 p.m. - I was very talkative today. I even stood up and said, "I knew a girl named ESi." after a bunch of people were standing in the middle of the room saying the word "easy" a bunch in their rapid fire conversation. This Edwin Diaz even gave a single chuckle after I said that.
11:06 p.m. - I cracked by entire spine when I was at work. I was sitting up after sloppily sitting down in my chair, and my back cracked from the bottom middle to the top in a sequence of three or four sections.
January 11, 2023: 8:48 a.m. - My vision is shaking back and forth occasionally.
11:56 p.m. - I was jacking off for about fifteen minutes like Simple Jack from Tropic Thunder, and I was too numb to get hard for about two full minutes. I could barely feel my dick while fucking a pocket pussy enclosing on it.
1:44 p.m. - That numbness was quite obvious NMDA receptors failing across my body and brain. I could feel in my head the changes induced by jerking off, and it was a great time to bust a nut.
January 12, 2023: 10:23 p.m. - I can see spots and lattices of solid color coming into my vision with strong force. I just smoked a bunch of weed. This is the lack of NMDA electrical signals.
12:07 p.m. - I have a cold for the second time in the last week or so. It's cold season, and this is my first one in Seattle, across the entire U.S.A.
1:26 p.m. - I wrote a script of how to confront Edwin Diaz later. Walk up to the desk across from sir Edwin Diaz among the folk, and ask, "What is this Mew symbol of a lab rat? There's a stripper girl named ESi who gave me an STD on purpose about 2.5 years ago, and this seems to be a running joke in the media with me as the lab rat Mew. This woman and her friends acted like they were involved in organized crime."
"Is this about me and that girl ESi you laughed when I stood up and said I knew her a few days ago? And is it in relation to the Easy Up you kept talking about? Do you use this toy to pull yourself up by bringing me down?"
"Well, as a precautionary effort on my part, I bring this up to keep the situation honest and unambiguous."
<Retrospective> 1/15/23: 8:17 p.m. - I whittled that monologue down a bit.
January 14, 2023: 9:08 a.m. - 120 mg of caffeine is too much. I'm sweating a little with the AC on lowest, and my stomach is a bit queasy.
2:52 p.m. - When I get MDMA, I'll have to only use a small amount since I'm numb. I'm committing to only insufflating a bit of MDMA at night right now.
8:13 p.m. - I had a spontaneous recall of Meet Me at the Gates by blessthefall, the only good song on Awakening, and I paid for it on Bandcamp. I had it on my Galaxy phablet a long time ago when it came out, but I discarded blessthefall until I picked up my favorites from Witness back in March 2020.
January 15, 2023: 7:35 a.m. - I moved up to 40 mg today. That's about an 11% increase, which is partially like moving from 10 to 11 mg.
11:32 p.m. - I think eyeliner is the only facet of women's makeup that I actually enjoy. It makes women of all ages look more beautiful.
5:14 p.m. - I can see my Windows Explorer icons along the sidebar curling into elongated dragon shapes with the left side curling into its head. I jerked off four times today already.
10:21 p.m. - My 3-Fl-PCP turned yellow under the Liebermann test and green under the Morris test, so it looks to be a dissociative. It looks like the right thing. I'm going to slowly insufflate it. I'm starting with 7 mg. Just when I tested it with the Morris and was holding the Liebermann test, the fucking fire alarm went off, Breezy was yelping like a good boy, and then we went for an almost two mile walk near my work office.
10:29 p.m. - It's been two minutes after insufflation. I'm going to wait about ten minutes and then go with more.
10:32 p.m. - I've got 26 more mg. I sneezed a bunch just now though. I was recently sick. I feel better.
10:36 p.m. - At least I know it's not a DRI drug like methylphenidate by now!
10:52 p.m. - I insufflated 15 more mg for a total of about 47 mg with no dissociative tolerance. That's pretty extreme, but it is manageable.
11:09 p.m. - I ate two chili dogs. They were mediocre like eating them on ketamine.
11:41 p.m. - I tried snorting 60 mg, and I sneezed at least half of it out. This is a very neutral dissociation like 3-HO-PCE but less visual and potent.
12:06 a.m. - I just snorted like 20 more mg. There is a lot of confusion. I was standing up holding several items and wondering where to put each them for a while. This is a vastly inferior dissociative. I'm wonked now.
12:12 a.m. - I see Gengars of various sizes in my sight, one huge.
12:16 a.m. - I think this will pair well with amphetamine in small amounts. Why though? I think other drugs will perform better than this one. I would likely be better off with ketamine.
12:30 a.m. - I'm hungry again. I wonder what else 3-Fl-PCP does. TV is better than music. It isn't a music enhancer.
1:00 a.m. - I just jerked it for the fifth time today.
1:08 a.m. - Perhaps the hunger mechanism in 3-Fl-PCP is the one in amphetamine. Perhaps I can use them in tandem to my advantage. Perhaps then I will need another counterbalance to the equation, and that still stands as MDMA. Perhaps I could dose 3-Fl-PCP at the same time as amphetamine or a few minutes after. What made me hungry? Is it just a deep penetration to the NMDA or PCP2 receptors holding back my gut? Or is it the calcium channel?
The hunger comes after about 35 minutes. I'll try eating 20 in tandem with amphetamine.
2:45 a.m. - I doubt it will do much to increase the pace of my training. It will only help train things which depend on the calcium channel's functioning. I doubt I will see anything very significant. But if I do, I'll pursue it best I can. It's my only lead, so I won't be ordering ketamine if this falls through.
January 16, 2023: 12:15 p.m. - Everything is working well. I'm typing more eloquently, I promptly got up at 10:40 to let out Breezy and start my morning routine, and now I'm lifting weights. I jacked off five times yesterday. I'm going to eat some 3-Fl-PCP at 2:35 p.m.
1:46 p.m. - I'm still increasingly worried about the Latin American cartel child soldier I saw on r/watchpeopledie before it was banned. There were police officers strewn about the village spurting blood and convulsing. The child soldier films as he says, "You see." I believe they were using some sort of meth and MDA combination to achieve the scarlet floor paintings with wings I saw back in August 2021. I believe they used this to perform precision, slow motion executions on the police officers in Latin America.
3:22 p.m. - I felt a bit uneasy at the beginning of my amphetamine journey just now. This combination with 3-Fl-PCP isn't going to work. Plus, there are rumors in the media that it will weaken me and be used to take me captive. It's almost certainly just bullshit, but I didn't like 3-Fl-PCP from the start. 3-MeO-PCP perks me up no matter what dosage, and it doesn't tear me down. My work with 3-Fl-PCP won't end well and neither will my recreation.
4:11 p.m. - I truly believe there to be no other alternative to amphetamine that could closely replicate its effect distribution. There is a finite margin of error for the locksmith to shape an atomic key to fit that synaptic lock.
5:55 p.m. - I had a successful workout where I moved from 245 to 250 bench press while on 40 mg amphetamine and 25 mg insufflated 3-Fl-PCP. I must begin to eat the 3-Fl-PCP, and I may need to use it much more sparingly.
8:13 p.m. - I feel an inner peace enveloping me when I use 3-Fl-PCP. It helps keep my thoughts concerned with myself and not the atrocious outside. Perhaps I'm using 3-Fl-PCP as a wrench to tighten the bolt of the calcium channel. I must learn more about the calcium channel.
8:21 p.m. - It is important I never become too addicted to 3-Fl-PCP. I will never order more. I definitely ate way too much 3-Fl-PCP. It gets a lot stronger when you eat it.
9:30 p.m. - I think I've been having auditory hallucinations throughout the day.
9:40 p.m. - I believe I would need to use MDMA to cessate being addicted to both amphetamine and 3-Fl-PCP.
January 17, 2023: 6:21 p.m. - I told people at work to not hurt me with their words today. My words were difficult to attain, and I was breathing heavily. I also told Edwin not to try to use anything to do with ESi against me.
11:01 p.m. - I'm watching the first Friday the 13th again. I remember Jason's mom saying something that blew my mind when I was a kid, but I brushed it off. I note that I find love scenes repulsive since I should leave two lovers alone as I find my own enjoyment.
11:44 p.m. - She said, "You weren't paying attention." Anyway, the secret recipe looks to be ketamine, PCP, MDA, and methamphetamine to achieve this powerful scarlet floor painting which will also enhance cause sexual organs to spin like a fan and likely cause multiple ejaculation.
January 18, 2023: 6:33 p.m. - I think I saw the gold spots today. Perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps 3-Fluoro-PCP is influencing and speeding up my intelligence training by enduring my hunger mechanism.
January 19, 2023: 10:42 p.m. - Yesterday, Navy dragged me into a thirty minute conversation. I mentioned to him the news events involving organized crime over the past year, including the baby left in the backseat of a car with a dead Microsoft executive father. At one point he said in verbatim, "Time to flip the script." This is a quote from Tropic Thunder, which I've been watching repeatedly. He's listening to me. I notice every time I listen to violent media in my room, a strange subset of folk in my office are present. There are people who want me to believe they can hear me from in the hall, all while spying on me with a microphone. This corroborates my theory that my professor disappeared back in my senior year of college because he was spying on me having a hard time with amphetamine in Solace on Peachtree. At the end, he said, "Take care." That Joseph Cawthorne guy also asked me why I like snow, and he sounded like he meant Edward Snowden. There's Joseph Cawthorne, Navy Aziz, Rohini Sharma, Reilly Anderson, Mitali Karmarker, Kar, Howshe, Serena, Christina. I believe they are the feds trying to fuck me with their fake ass names. Christina loves to play dress up. She looks like she uses cocaine and possibly even meth like her namesake. They are definitely spying on me in relation to that murder of the Microsoft executive.
I also see latinos working as janitors and landscapers here who may know of my ongoing issues. Also there's a latino with sunglasses who hangs around the shady Dollar Tree down the street where they almost certainly sell meth. That's in addition to Edwin Diaz. There was a creepy black guy back at ESA who said, "Okay baby." as he walked past. Who knows what he was talking about being a baby.
I just heard a whining sound. Perhaps sound weapons are being tested on me again.
January 20, 2023: 10:14 p.m. - More strange things. There was a really big crane on the ground blocking the street with several cops guarding the area just outside my work. This was at the Microsoft headquarters construction site. There were latinos standing around outside looking suspicious on my way to the Dollar Store down the street, and sketchy black and homeless people are starting to walk slowly around where I live.
11:07 p.m. - I found the left back stove element I don't use on randomly. I feel like someone else turned it on. I might have turned it on by mistake. However, I truly believe I'm being fucked with very hard here.
11:26 p.m. - 3-Fl-PCP seems to be working in some way. I'll continue my experiment, but I'm dropping from 30 mg every 7 p.m. to 25 mg every 7 p.m. I must be able to sleep before 11 p.m. I had 31 mg 3-Fl-PCP at 6:55, 40 mg amphetamine at 7:00, and 50 mg caffeine from preworkout at 7:25. It was fine. However, my hunger mechanism must recharge over time, so I'll need to eat the 3-Fl-PCP only with my last usage of amphetamine. It lasts a while. Everything appears to be working fine with me lifting weights and progressing. I moved up five pounds with bench press and rows today.
January 22, 2023: 11:06 a.m. - Splotches of color are invading my vision. Rainbow lines, solid color lattices, and red slashes are also fading in and out.
5:54 p.m. - I went to the Dollar Tree to get chocolates, chips and dip, pink lemonade, and other snacks. I was very easily calmed compared to a few days ago when my leg was jolting up and down to the ground at work and I stared into the distance. 3-Fl-PCP reminds me of fucking Gengar's night shade ability.
9:35 p.m. - There's another thing corroborating people fucking with me at work. Yu-Tang told me her name was pronounced "you tong", and Joseph Cawthorne defied me after mentioning that, continuing to call her "you tang". I'm fucked.
January 23. 2023: 8:20 p.m. - The fan spinning in Jason's neck at the end of Jason VI reminds me of when my head was spinning back in October 2017. It started at night only after I reintroduced amphetamine, the NE releasing agent. Could the chain represent the calcium channel in some way much like the cowboy hat?
3-Fl-PCP makes my jaw strength feel greater.
9:27 p.m. - I walked Breezy. A drone with no audible rotor flew away screeching bat noises every half second or so with irregular tempos. It flew into the distance and around the corner. When I walked Breezy around the block for a while, the drone made a bat screech in the exact same spot from which it took off. I know it wasn't a bat.
January 24, 2023: 8:28 a.m. - The government really could be testing sound and visual surveillance and counterterrorism technology on me. These guys are fucked.
3:05 p.m. - Trailer Park Boys S10E3 and the previous couple episodes mention those god damn drones. They've been planning this stupid shit.
9:15 p.m. - I believe Elon Musk is part of the methamphetamine conspiracy. He married this woman who calls herself Grimes, and he has some sort of fascination with MDMA and methamphetamine just like Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell. TM, SpaceX, and Tesla just scream that stupid shit. He bought Twitter, another T company with short quips of shit, and walked in with a sink. I think that's some sort of reference to the gold splashing thing in relation to methamphetamine. Elon Musk is a man who knows of my existence. Jeff Bezos is also not to be trusted. He's too rich. He's bald. That's some sort of sign of methamphetamine abuse, but maybe his isn't. I'm not so sure about Jeff Bezos, but Elon Musk is definitely part of some secretly evil group of people. The bodyguard at the Platinum Club mentioned he had Tesla stock. Teja seems related to that clique of people. I think she was into that multiple cumming red on the floor shithole that's referenced in porn these days. They hint that such a thing taps into some sort of mechanism utilized by long term usage of cocaine or something. There's some very dirty stuff going on here with that love of the camera shit.
January 25, 2023: 12:38 p.m. - Monday when I walked the mile into the office as usual, I threw away a bear with a red sweater reading "Veritas" on it. I also threw away a cheetah with a blue vest saying "FAST" on it. They were there waiting to taunt me, sitting on the windowsill behind my desk at Microsoft. I kept them on my desk until now. On Friday, I left the red bear up on the light so I could remember ask people about it, but then I decided I didn't want to interact with those fucking niggers and just threw it away. I asked if I could work from home, and after arriving, my manager asked me to stay working from home until I get the doctor stuff sorted out on Valentine's Day.
1:22 p.m. - I just found this thread on a bug I'm facing at Microsoft. "Sequence contains more than one matching element":
8/24/2017 2:56 p.m. - Shayne Boyer - THere is only one doc in the table
4:49 p.m. - Donna Malayeri - Sorry, I'm not an expert on this binding. Could you ask on Stack Overflow?
8/25/2017 9:35 a.m. - Eduardo Laureano - Shayne, are you still stuck?
9:36 a.m. - Shayne - Got it. Not optimal, but we got 2 solutions to the issue
...
8/25/2017 2:45 p.m. - Eduardo Laureano - one of my pet peeves are the road-to-nowhere error message, so please add that issue you faced and the actual uninformative error message you got
I'm pretty sure this is talking about me. Joseph Cawthorne pointed me to an email thread about the issue, but I found this on my own. I just posted to to an email group for Microsoft. I suppose I'm writing confidential stuff here since it's being used to hurt me. I won't follow a business contract that hurts me. It's null and void.
4:02 p.m. - The people at work even have database queries they can run to see how many people they fucked over with that fake ass error.
4:17 p.m. - I remember at H&R Block, the old Asian woman, Jennifer, gave me a red pen and asked me to do some calculations. "I don't want to do it, so you can do it." she said in a strangely happy voice. Perhaps she was just trying to get an edge over me like a cokehead or methhead. Perhaps it is about this writing I'm doing concerning the fucking red ground paintings. I've heard hints about that in all kinds of media, stowed away in a list keyword here. Anyway, I even explained to her how to do unit equations to calculate things and keep the units straight.
Right now, I'm taking 40 mg amphetamine four times per day and 30 mg 3-Fl-PCP with that once at 7 p.m. My weightlifting is going very well. I'm pointing things out to people I normally wouldn't. I haven't really started playing video games yet, but I've started and stopped in a couple sort sessions. I think I'll start soon.
6:27 p.m. - I see rainbows forming eyes. I see blue lattices. I see faint red slashes that are so semitransparent they look more pink. I just felt a pain in the center of my forehead like a pen tip pressing on it.
9:15 p.m. - There's an out of place, chubby latina woman sitting out in the lobby of my building in Verde Esterra Park, and she's talking to some man on speaker phone. It fits the narrative I've been telling.
10:04 p.m. - I'm rewatching Halloween 4. The U.S. government weapon and vehicle automation hints are in there too. They have more advanced tech than meets the eye. Perhaps I have a price tag on my head. Perhaps the U.S. government has a vested interest in the knowledge I hold and could learn from my NDD. Perhaps someone will murder me in the hopes the U.S. government divulges secrets. It doesn't matter. This whole thing is fucked.
January 26, 2023: 9:30 a.m. - I'm taking the day off today. I have to count my own vacation days I'm taking off because of the discretionary time off policy that came into effect over a week ago. This is my first.
8:30 p.m. - That fan at the end of Jason VI is also kind of like an automatic turret against the cartels.
January 27, 2023: 12:00 p.m. - I took another work day off today for my sanity in the face of these enemies beleaguering me. I do believe Hunter Biden, his extensive security failures and corruption, crack cocaine mishaps, prostitute mishaps, and Ukrainian money corruption have something to do with my blighted STD, neurotic, disordered, beleaguered existence. What is Russia doing in Ukraine with a comedian president while Russians hurl each other out of windows and Americans infect each other? What was the American government doing in Colombia and Latin America? What are they doing now?
9:38 p.m. - There were two more mass shootings on Monday with a death toll of like 20 combined. Both were committed by old folks losing their minds. Make no mistake, just look at Bodies by Drowning Pool and Manhunters on Always Sunny. People wished for this fucked up shit to make people lose their minds and cause instability in the United States. I blame gangsters and their proliferation through the media, including news, Hollywood, music, video games, modeling, Victoria Secret, Pornhub, and whatever other fucking businesses people start these days.
January 28, 2023: 8:09 a.m. - Navy was talking about layoffs. I think he wants to have all of Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, and Bill Gates' money for himself. I might be laid off as a sick joke.
9:46 a.m. - Elon Musk is planning to hurt people in the name of drugs like cocaine. His wife's stage name is fucking Grimes. That's fucking disgusting. He says in the this motherfucking video, "From a cash standpoint, keep powder dry." 'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UV9a2Ol1tag' Dry is a code word for DRI drugs, dopamine reuptake inhibitor, like cocaine, methylphenidate, and allegedly Alpha-PVP. He's planning on sending the economy into a recession by refusing to reinvest his money into the people. These rich folk are scouting people to hurt. They are hand picking people to discredit, demonetize, and hurt. Given I suspect he uses methamphetamine with his woman somewhat like Epstein and Hitler, it's only a matter of time before his investments into Tesla and SpaceX turn into investments into automatic weapons, space weapons, and lasers. If some sort of nigger were to escape to space, they could try to rule the Earth from there. They would need to be refueled without a biodome, and nuclear weapons can always been sent to space with AI targeting systems. We are all stuck here killing each other until the "end" of the universe's state machine. "This is the delusion you wished for." quoting ChaoS;HEAd which I'm watching right now.
2:28 p.m. - Perhaps the first time a woman will approach me for love is the day I die, just as when I saw the rainbow parade and dance party when I was a kid.
8:51 p.m. - The end of ChaoS;HEAd's seventh episode details the rise of Epstein, Musk, and Chapo at the same time I fall.
9:19 p.m. - Project Noah-II, AKA no amphetamine, must be dismantled.
January 29, 2023: 8:04 a.m. - Dr. Jamie Phifer, MD is the shitty doctor I saw last time with the shitty attitude in need of obvious adjustment. Jock itch was used an an excuse to hurt me in the name of lies.
12:15 p.m. - I wonder what Stormy Daniels and Donald Trump thought about all this. This 60 minutes piece with her is two faced bullshit somewhat about me: 'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzCXdkFN3mQ'. Fucking wiggers: 'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddo20Y0dPMo'.
2:08 p.m. - The fake jock itch described by the arrogant Dr. Jamie Phifer matches that bullshit about Soldier Boy Crank Dat as well as 2:30 minutes into Idiocracy. It is masqueraded as another word for comedic cokehead methhead ripple shit effect.
Here's more knowledge of what's going on with me as corn is some metaphor for fucking Adderall: 'https://www.youtube.com/shorts/oUf-ZG1ikhA'.
3:20 p.m. - It appears all the foreign listings for amphetamine are mocking me with. There's only one listing for United States amphetamine on ASAP Market. People across the world truly do hate me, and their hate grows every day. I'm pretty sure people are watching The Novel Tree cannabis shop. There were two customers in there, but when I finished my forty minute walk there, the line went out the door. There are always people outside keeping lookout. They mentioned "That's Leatherface," as I exited. They're fucked. The whole system is fucked. However, Trump's recreation of the black gate of Mordor is looking nice.
January 30, 2023: 8:18 p.m. - The government plan for Desoxyn methamphetamine is outlined here in the infamous Deliverance scene: 'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WqNMjZpSbnU'. They want to overdose and rape people with meth, or lead the way and convince them to do themselves in. The microphones and drones sure will help them achieve their goals with everyone else too. This doesn't end with me just like with Hitler and his wife as well as Epstein and his wife. The kids will move from methylphenidate to cocaine and finally settle on combining meth with hundreds of chemicals to exploit evil for its every last drop.
10:16 p.m. - Everything is very dry, especially my upper lip.
12:55 p.m. - That scene in Deliverance also references the scarlet floor paintings I saw but recreated with a methamphetamine overdose.
2:30 p.m. - I keep hearing in the media through things like Epstein's lies and Trailer Park Boys that meth and MDMA can be used to overflow things into receptors related to sexually abusing children. They call it ET or CorE and Trevor. Epstein has references to meth and MDMA in the art in his mansion and in his interviews. So does Prince Andrew.
5:58 p.m. - There's more weird shit in the news. This mentions 10 people being shot in Lakeland, Florida, the same state the Microsoft executive was killed in his car with a baby in the back seat. Four men in a black Nissan unloaded, possibly wearing masks. The police chief is Sam Taylor, analogous to Uncle Sam and Taylor the stripper. A felony amount of marijuana was found at the scene. https://www.wfla.com/news/polk-county/9-hurt-in-lakeland-shooting/
I think the young, attractive latina cleaning lady who works here is involved with gangs. She was walking super slowly down the hallway with a weird grin on her face. She was walking slowly for a purpose, and I think it was to show her gang affiliation. It matches the latina woman I saw on the phone in the foyer a few days ago.
6:51 p.m. - The Trailer Park Boys S5E8 talks about this situation with the Microsoft executive and the later mass shooting surrounding the latina women and me. The child left in the backseat, the reference to the kid with the glasses being a Mexican, getting the "stuff" (tight meth stripper pussy reference) out of the car, and the drone references in later episodes. Edwin Diaz must know something about this. He's a fucking wigger, and he's a fucking Mexican wigger at that. He did ask me how my sound system was. He had a grin on his face. He knows something. Perhaps the cleaning crew put a mic in here. I believe there are two microphones here. I suspect people were randomly unlocking my door at night since I woke up with it unlocked more times than I care to admit.
11:06 p.m. - I must remain Sir Private Dindu Nuffins.
January 31, 2023: 8:26 a.m. - I woke up at 8:15 a.m. today since my alarms were disabled by my device restarting or restarting services incorrectly. Someone at GSuite nigger central probably fucked with it. I took my amphetamine late. So my left temple hurts, and I see lots of NMDA hallucinations when I wake up now. Color spots appear as soon as I ingest amphetamine.
8:41 a.m. - I just saw a pretty vivid blue fingerprint of lattices. That's a common sight for me among lattice shapes, but I don't think I've logged it.
9:18 a.m. - Everything is pretty dry since I woke up late and didn't get my amphetamine in time. I suppose that's the calcium channel food mechanism working its magic.
6:03 p.m. - I had a brief flash of intense visuals for a bit, and they're still strong. I feel a dime sized hole creeping back and forth in my center forehead.
February 1, 2023: 9:37 a.m. - The familiar sexy cleaning lady sprayed some sort of cleaning liquid outside the door as she walked through and I was passing with my dog. This left me and my dog to breathe it in as she left. It is some sort of a sign like Edwin Diaz used. Perhaps it is mentioned in that song Shaka Zulu from Tyga. Anyway, this tells me people are still plotting to hurt me. That's all I know. Honestly, people like janitors should have to work less hours than me. They don't have as much stuff to do. Stuff in a lot of industries is automated, so they don't have much to do either. Also, where's their Google Glasses upgrade for watching TV while they work? The aristocrats are really fucking people over.
2:50 p.m. - This is a good video about the current terrorism epidemic of wiggers wearing wigs all around: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddo20Y0dPMo
9:00 p.m. - I am the strongest person in the world, and I'm pretty damn smart. I have the strongest adrenaline stores in the world because of my adaptations of Neural Deceleration Disorder. I'm the only person I know to have ever claimed this. The government is really trying to fuck me on the price here.
I lowered my 3-Fl-PCP dosage to 24 mg today. I've been doing 30 mg at night every night. I suspect it to really affect the calcium channel and release norepinephrine. It should function well as a supplement to amphetamine to promote all of those neural network components in synergy and their corresponding benefits. Some neurons can only be trained by utilizing multiple actions of amphetamine such as the calcium channel, norepinephrine release, and safe dopamine release.
February 2, 2023: 6:36 p.m. - I took a second day of discretionary time off today.
February 3, 2023: 3:50 p.m. - I took a third day of discretionary time off today. I get 2 weeks per year by continuity of contract. I might take more days off to keep pace with the seniors who get more time off. The government and companies waste peoples' time for pay which is bullshit.
The song Consfearacy does a good job of describing the situation with government prescribed and sponsored methylphenidate (smart, fearful sadists), cocaine (shitty local anesthetic), dextroamphetamine (selfish idiot wannabes), and methamphetamine (men in black). Controlled substances, prescription enema meth cons, and the consfearacy surrounding them should be redefined.
4:39 p.m. - I've been having greatly enhanced visuals at key times throughout the day since I dropped to 24 mg 3-Fluoro-PCP.
8:14 p.m. - I've been thinking this for years, but big news corporations appear to be publishing false stories. Those stories I mentioned a day or two ago could be fabricated. The fake news knows of my existence.
10:13 p.m. - Why stay alive when the world's pain inches ever closer?
10:29 p.m. - I can't believe nobody's approached to tell me of this evil plot that's been my life the last few years. It's been planned for quite some time.
10:54 p.m. - The lady Vi from Verizon once mentioned I should get my calcium. She must have known something about the calcium channel or hunger mechanism of amphetamine. Some Verizon executive once said in that meeting, "Where's Vi?" with a cackle. She acted weird around me for some reason. I'm sure Vi was a pseudonym or something. The people there were very misleading. This world is fucked with dishonesty. I'm thankful to live and die with my integrity.
11:55 p.m. - With eyes closed, I saw a rainbow Taylor morph into a reslitic looking version of her sitting and looking down with a straight face. It faded back into the lattices I mostly see now. I smelled something too.
<Retrospective> 2/4/2023 8:26 a.m. - I made that typo yesterday. She morphed into a realistic version of herself. I could see the rainbow skin transform to her familiar gold skin. I was focused on her face, and she was looking to my left with her face rotated -pi/4 radians away. I was lying down.
February 4, 2023: 7:50 a.m. - This Edwin Diaz character has the characteristics of a cokehead. Christina has the look of a crackwhore. David Lamb is the only normal looking person in my office. The rest look like foreign spies, cokeheads, and methheads. Mitali looks like an Indian agent, Nikki looks like a Russian agent, Joseph Cawthorne's acne and quirks make him look like someone who cheated and used meth to get ahead and behind, Navy looks like a shit puppet, Edwin Diaz looks like a Mexican agent, Christina looks like an American gangster Hunter Biden type of agent, and Howshe looks like a Chinese agent. I wonder what Joseph Cawthorne has to do with that guy in the Dollar Tree with the blue line tattoo resembling my hallucination. I read it's some sort of gay meth joke. I can't verify that. It's a terrorist mystery around since Adolf Hitler himself. Fuckers.
I feel pretty down waking up today. That's expected given my high oscillation amplitude and low period last night. The awful scenarios of people trying to hurt me repeat over and over in my head. I hate these liars and the willfully ignorant people who support them. It's repulsive.
5:25 p.m. - As long as I stay honest, helpful, and polite, this will all work itself out in my favor.
5:52 p.m. - I hear two whispering voices. I suspect the government and gangs have been using not only microphones but also speakers to fuck with me. This is in line with the women I heard whispering when I was sitting in the dark at night in my room in ESA. It's also in line with the deafening screech I heard sometime in December 2021 which whited me out. It's also in line with that annoying, silent flying drone I mentioned a couple weeks ago.
6:44 p.m. - 3-Fl-PCP doesn't have many visuals on its own at the 24 mg dosage I'm using. Its effects similar to amphetamine cause my body to oscillate.
8:41 p.m. - I've been watching Jason VI every day at 7 p.m. It's lit. I eat 24 mg 3-Fl-PCP and then 40 mg amphetamine 5 minutes later.
February 5, 2023: 12:37 p.m. - I have this symbolic doctor's appointment coming up on Valentine's Day. I last saw Taylor two years and a day shy of that date.
1:34 p.m. - I have no future here. My next doctor's appointment is probably a facade to hide my STD and NDD. Even if I could somehow escape this veil of gang members and governments with a wife, they would just start to harass both me and my wife too. What kind of life would that be? Fuck it. I have a blighted future here.
5:50 p.m. - This Edwin Diaz character played the Super Mario death sound sometimes at work. He did it to fuck with me since I live in an Italian establishment, Verde Esterra Park, and I'm trying to save my princess from Bowser. Here's a video making fun of me with things like invisible blocks (invisible neurons), fire sticks (PCP), gay blue line jokes like the meth tattoo on the Dollar Tree guy, etc: 'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=in6RZzdGki8'. If I'm too stupid to do government sponsored hurtful lies and metaphors, I guess I'm too stupid to be here. Fuck it.
9:08 p.m. - I heard a bunch of other sounds yesterday like grinding in two walls, including my bathroom one. There was a grinding sound like mentioned in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. And also, some dude was with a dog whispering for it to be quiet. He sounded like he was talking to me and pretending to talk to his dog.
Is this Hitler or a comedian? Is this Vladimir Putin or Ukraine? How big does this government Desoxyn meth joke go? How big did Hitler go? How big was Hitler's TV show? People are throwing each other out of windows in Russia with the Russian mafia in the name of meth. Mexicans are chopping each other's heads off in the name of meth. That stripper hurt me in the name of meth. The Trailer Park Boys show is starting to look like the big random Randy TV Show of big government's problem child Desoxyn. I'm at the center of their stupid skit where they feed off others' misery with cocaine and meth just like Hitler and his Jewish footage. To quote Scrubs, "You keep wheeling them in. I'll keep wheeling them out."
10:19 p.m. - Who's Jason anyway in Jason VI? The U.S. government, some NDD kid, a methhead's neurons, a gang member, some smart army guy? On a side topic, Nikki reminds me of the witch from Left 4 Dead 2. Or maybe I am since they want me to cry. The parent company of that product, Valve, didn't like me. That company looks like it's run by methheads. They don't even make video games anymore. Their picture is a bald guy with a valve on his neck, some kind of meth symbol for the red wall. Valve is obviously compromised. What the fuck is up with this shit? All this shit in the media is fucked. Their fucking Nazi meth Hunter Biden crackwhore propaganda is fucking everything up.
10:41 p.m. - I'm sure the U.S. government can simply fix all this like Russia: just throw everyone you don't like out the fucking meth glass window. It's just like the opening scene of Idiocracy. Or maybe Joe Biden and Bill Clinton will read some magical speech that will magically take away the hate inspired by their promotion of coke, meth, prostitution, and lying. Somehow that will all magically disappear instead of getting worse than the dumpster fire it already is. That's what they would have people believe.
February 6, 2023 6:43 a.m. - I change my mind. I think it's fine to commit suicide by 2 grams of heroin up the ass. It's quick, easy, and you can be sure to minimize pain. It won't maximize pleasure in death, but it will certainly prevent that fraction of a second of pain altogether. I won't hallucinate rainbow women comforting me or a flash of light or something, but it won't matter since I won't remember it.
7:24 a.m. - I'm hate the hateful, microaggression way the people around me, Microsoft, the United States, and Earth are changing.
8:04 a.m. - How can I peacefully kill myself with heroin if there are military grade microphones, speakers, and possibly cameras in my room? What happened to the last person in my position? It looks like this woman with NDD died after being harassed and experimented on by the government her whole life. Whoever it was certainly looks like he or she died that way. What about this person's family? Where did they go? Was this woman a military wife or some shit? That looks likely. Was there really only one person before me? The remedy for survival has only been around for a hundred years, and I don't see anyone else like me around here, so it's likely.
8:27 a.m. - Epstein died in a federal prison: Metropolitan Correctional Center in New York. The Desoxyn government conspiracy is almost certainly at play here. I'm sure it can be used for wicked things like enhancement of gratification of lying, sadism, and even child molestation. I'm sure many of the transsexuals around the world were involved with meth damaging their hormones. I think the coverup is massive. This has been around since Adolf Hitler, and the new ways to exploit its dopamine release with things like ketamine and PCP have been around since the government probably invented it in the 50's. Hunter Biden is involved with crack and talking down to prostitutes. He's probably involved in that world too. If he does crack, what's stopping Hunter Biden from doing meth and hurting or killing anyone who knows about it? I saw a picture of Joseph Biden wearing black shades and eating ice cream, and I think he's talking about meth. I think the whole government could be completely fucked at this point. Government funded Epstein Desoxyn should be banned, but it isn't being talked about. I get microphones and speakers while Jeffrey Epstein gets his cameras turned off and dies. I fuck up on accident, and they fuck up on purpose, and that's the end of the story.
10:27 a.m. - A common term for cocaine and meth fueled lies in the programming industry is "hash". It's data placed in a location defined by algorithm. I am supposed to be Microsoft's hash. Abhinav Aggarwal, who works at Microsoft and was hired here in Seattle years ago, told me of his experiences using drone, 4-MMC, in India. He told lies to fuck with people too, but he was a lot nicer than Teja. He would talk about hash a lot.
12:41 p.m. - I'm pretty sure my manager Navy Aziz might be in on the cocaine problem with Edwin Diaz. People tell me he sometimes works on stuff late at night. He lies and dodges topics a lot. He tries to confuse me a lot by straying from my point. All the signs point there. My experience with people like that is like the song Psycho by System of a Down. They might actually set of some kind of biological trigger like the senses that will raise an animal's hair or give people goosebumps. I read in big media that my yellow spots will have a bad reaction with DRI using people, but that's just nonsense until I experience it myself.
1:23 p.m. - I don't want to keep working on Microsoft's new stupid coke machine sponsored by Edwin Diazz.
1:54 p.m. - I must not qualify for overtime so people can laugh at me for "cocaine points" they get from fucking people over. Otherwise, that time would count toward my 40 hours and not be ambiguous at all.
3:05 p.m. - Russia is harboring Snowden. Ukraine has an attention seeking comedian as president. He has scandals with Hunter Biden and Joe Biden: 'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1RCowmzTToY'. This interview seems two faced, and it seems to reference my predicted writings here at the hands of amphetamine, just as it was mentioned in the end of the first Metro Exodus DLC. That came out of a studio originally from Ukraine. Perhaps there really is some sort of biological lab there like Putin says: 'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mo1P9-9A9CQ'. I look like a biological lab. I look like Anne Frank reincarnated. I look like a concentration camp experiment going well for someone. Putin was on a white horse, symbolic of ketamine. He is cryptic and warring, symbolic of meth. Of course, his country isn't exactly a democracy. How can I expect him to support me like my own government should? Now that I look at them more closely, Pussy Riot looks like a group of methhead vagabonds. Who knows what's going on with the twisted shit happening in my life and in the U.S. government?
Yet well connected gang and government types like Tyre and Mark Tommy flock to me and screw me, and have done so since like 2016 when my mom died. Graham Sharpe and Tyre were suspicious characters who seemed like they had gang activity going on. When I look around, the only person in this country who has remotely bothered to try to fucking help me out a little bit is Vi from Verizon Connect. I'm fucking 100% fuck fuck fuckity fucked.
3:44 p.m. - I still think the doctor is going to lie to me and steal my blood for research. Fuck this.
5:33 p.m. - Navy has the name that matches the color of those kids' jerseys in Trailer Park Boys season 12. They talk about this shit with the hockey camp like trapping me to drown like Jason in Friday the 13th. He always says he has to pick up his kids. I think he knows about this. The cow manure is talking about the calcium Vi mentioned to me a while ago, and that I think refers to the hunger mechanism of amphetamine, allegedly through the calcium channel. I suppose he's in on it too. He' s in on something. I might have been a drunk, but I was never dirty like Trailer Park Boys S12E5.
8:54 p.m. - My temples are burning. I can see familiar signs of the government and gang mandated hunger strike. I still wonder if someone used a speaker against me to try to get me to kill myself when I was on MDA. Also, people like Teja, Navy, and Taylor kept saying, "Take care." Taylor kept saying, "I'm the man." while she was singing some song in the strip club. These government and gang fuckers are insane. I can't rule it out. They've gone pretty far. This is undeniable. What else could those speakers, tricks, taunts, and denial be accomplishing besides my elongated torture in their hands?
My mom is dead. My dad is dead and never there. My cousin Jonathon is the military, so he can't say shit. My cousin Crystal is with a biker guy who is probably in on what's going on. That leaves my aunt Vickie, but she's not enthusiastic about my disorder. Hayden is not texting me back, though someone told me he wanted to talk to me. I suppose something weird is going on there too. I don't have any other close family. I'm fucked. Nobody can say what's going on with me. All I can do is write it down here and hope to escape the loop created for me by these governments and gangs.
10:32 p.m. - While watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, I started thinking about human evolution in response to sadism. Perhaps human vulnerability can be an evolutionary response to humans' cruelty to each other. Weak spots like the neck are much weaker in humans than other primates. My life span is a lot shorter by nature because of prenatal alcohol and tobacco exposure.
February 7, 2023: 7:51 a.m. - Red slashes are appearing very strongly with multiple at a time across my entire vision. My stomach feels like a bottomless pit, and I eat before I sleep every night.
8:34 a.m. - Yesterday, when I was jerking off, I heard whispers again. I often hear a chair scraping overhead. I heard grinding sounds in two walls yesterday. Usually I hear someone knock on wood whenever I finish jerking off. They have a microphone and speaker here. They're using it to jerk themselves off both metaphorically and literally.
10:38 a.m. - Rainbow swirls are much more prevalent than they've been recently. It's mostly been some sort of NMDA oscillations. These are PCP2 again.
11:16 p.m. - Scarface mentions Colombia, Pablo Escobar is from there, my dad used to go there to Medellin for the prostitutes, cocaine, and who knows what else before he settled into a slow opioid death. The CIA has scandals with prostitutes in Colombia. That yellow flashlight beneath the white bomb in Scarface and yellow football in Jason VI is supposed to be methylphenidate for kids destroying the rest of the population by encouraging people to lie. Concerta looks just like it. The clapping is typical of DRI drugs like it. It's supposed to lure them to the white cocaine bomb under their car, just like Matthew Torrance, "agnostic Jew". The United Nations ban of several substances and control of others, especially amphetamine and sister compounds, is for that purpose.
2:14 p.m. - I texted my boss I can't work anymore unless I transfer to a new team that won't lie and try to hurt me. He wasn't going for it when I told him person yesterday, nor did he go for the overtime being unfair. His goal is to exploit me for everything and send it back to his cokehead wife, insofar as I know. He could be a government methhead from the actual Navy. I wouldn't put it past someone with a low key terrorist attitude like that. He hasn't responded to my text like usual. He usually waits to respond to me or beats around the bush like a sadist who hurts vulnerable people. Fuck it.
2:42 p.m. - I took six days off working out to grow my sore forearms. That worked well.
Interestingly, in Scarface, it mentions sending gang members after someone whose mother has died. Gina is synonymous with Gangsters and No (G,na). What ever happened to all that Gina Resistance Education And Training (GREAT) from middle school? What ever happened to all that lead, follow, or get out of the way shit? The governments and gangs made an exception for me. They said they can do whatever they want to me. They wanted to make me their Anne Frank like the video game I made. They're fucked in the head from all their meth, coke, codeine, and Qualuude DNA.
5:49 p.m. - My head hurts on the top right a good bit. My head itches a bit on the top. My head is burning, and big crimson slashes are still coming through. Auspiciously austere folk don't have as many life experiences to treasure.
6:16 p.m. - The government and gangs have been stalking me for about 6.5 years now. Tyre was there around the time my mother died in October 2016. There was a black doctor taking care of her when she died, but if I was in the right frame of mind, I would have made sure that didn't happen since she would never want that.
6:34 p.m. - I decided I'm going to ask my manager's superiors to change teams if I need, and I'll be blunt that there are irreconcilable differences between us. This is so the cokeheads have it set up to be a trial by fire wherein they can secretly satiate their sadistic desires on unsuspecting folk. They also seek out human resources roles. It is immoral to lie to hurt people like that, and it is even more immoral to use drugs to enhance and train that behavior.
Those women ESi and Taylor could have been the most valuable trade of knowledge to me at this stage in my life. They know a ton about these questions I have. Some of it isn't my business though. But I could learn more about myself from one of those women than anyone else I know. I'm not sure what ways they've changed their brain through their own demons. Perhaps such a thing was always meant to be a sadistic secret. Who could harbor secrets like this for so long and not continue with their wickedness just like Hitler? Whatever, I just want to move on. They could do better, and they should do better.
10:42 p.m. - These are my Google Keep notes for switching MS teams: Ask Petr or Bilal to migrate to a new team since I'm worried about developing irreconcilable differences with my current teammates like at my old job, and I'd rather just find a new group of nicer folk. Well the role lends itself to voyeurism because of the server and database access. I don't like sports and people in the office like sports and outdoors stuff. I'm an indoors guy. Is there an easy way I can transition to something like Hololens or like Windows UI? There must have been some kind of mistake. I don't get along with my teammates, so I think somebody made a mistake. One in particular, Edwin Diaz, likes to make one too many jokes at me; he laughed in my face and then lied to me on one occasion, so I don't see a good future with that teammate.
My Google Keep is almost certainly being spied on in real time. The level of surveillance by governments and gangs on me is alarming. The U.S. government's silence on the matter is more alarming. Their laughter over the matter is more alarming. I'm sounding the alarm. This is a ton of words. I'm sure someone will find it useful. If I had this before, my life would have turned out so much easier.
Trailer Park Boys S1E3 mentions the prick job they're going to be doing on Valentine's Day when they draw my blood for "testing". It's looking like a very real threat.
February 8, 2023: 9:38 a.m. - I wonder how many other units in ESA, Verde Esterra Park, and other cocaine and meth run establishments have microphones and speakers in the room. I wonder how many other establishments whisper to people while they try to jerk off. I recorded that happening at Solace on Peachtree in 2017. While I was experimenting jacking off in my bed for a few hours on MDA, two deep voiced, older black guys whispered at me and to each other somehow through the stairwell behind my bedroom wall. That was over five years ago. I hissed, "Shut the fuck up nigger." One of them said, "Now we know." Then they left. That's creepy shit.
The gang members doing this could have a camera watching girls undress and shit. Perhaps they're using that to pull women into their shit world of meth and coke like I've seen in the porn videos with bang buses and "PropertySex" where they allegedly pay their rent with sex. I wouldn't put it past them. It helps them find easy targets. They have people on the street corners and shit watching people too, just like they say about the commies in Scarface. One of those Verizon Connect executive women might be in on this by pretending to be Dani Jensen while shooting a meth porno: 'https://www.xvideos.com/video37550895/propertysex_-_real_estate_agent_scams_client_into_overpaying_for_house'. This is corroborated by the fact that Chuck Stickels made a weird joke about buying property, saying, "I can see you, but you can't see me." I think at least she and Teja were doing that scarlet floor painting stuff I hear can somehow stimulate that cocaine camera mechanism like how she mentions at the end of the video, "Give me that fucking camera." Then she knocks him down. This is bad. The Nazis also infamously filmed their exploits. They're little secretive Hitlers, Caitlyn Jenners, Michael Jacksons, Epsteins, and Ghislaines in training.
Rohini Sharma and Reilly Anderson sound like they know something about that red floor painting based on their fake names. I think Navy Aziz knows Teja. Rohini once said, "All I know is buy the dip." I think she meant the meth OD dip with the black spiders and shit. Reilly Anderson == Rile E Anderson == Rile Ecstasy Matrix (like the movie the Matrix). Sharma is supposed to mean PCP. I think they're trying to secretly convince me to kill myself like the NDD predecessor I hear about in the movies. Allegedly, the mix is weed, ketamine, PCP, meth OD, and MDA. It might be wrong and out of order, but apparently that's close to the ingredients. It looks exactly as I described in my list, but apparently for others the red face is smaller.
I think the name Anderson is supposed to be some kind of joke about the U.S. Navy unleashing drones like in The Matrix. That's impossible and will end up like Hitler ethnic cleansing. They wouldn't know who to target; the U.S. is too divided. These evil gang members better fuck off before the U.S.A. ends up like Mexistan.
9:51 a.m. - More proof that gang members conspire to lure and hurt people after their mother dies: S1E5 of Trailer Park Boys. The cokeheads are trying to alter my life so it resembles that TV show. Cocaine and meth enhance their pleasure of seeing my sadist ruined life on TV. The gay jokes probably relate to the meth the U.S. government pushes on people. My naive personal tragedy involving that shit drug confirms that.
4:36 p.m. - The gangs amassing the power to enhance their adrenaline throughput means there could be a vast massacre on the level of ISIS in the making. Using dopamine overflow to reach a specific neuron means there are negative externalities in the form of neural casualties.
Playing Fallout New Vegas with time slowed to 20% by key press simulates my standard adrenaline effect insofar as I remember. That by itself yields devastating pinpoint accuracy, speed, strength, and mental power while transitioning my gun from one target's head to another in slow motion. It can be enhanced by agonizing some neurons and also by disconnecting some neurons, similar to eating amphetamine or drinking tea, which enhances output by disconnecting inhibitory adenosine receptors. This is like removing a negative weight in the neural network. I've detailed some of those in a list about NDD. The scarlet floor paintings are allegedly the most useful for strength, accuracy, and defensive slow motion with adrenaline, while the gold spots are rumored to be useful for offensively moving the body more quickly with adrenaline. I have no way of confirming that without putting my life in danger while oscillating my neurons.
10:35 p.m. - My skin is so fucking dry. It's been dry for a while now. It's dry all day and night. My disorder doesn't play around. I have a busted lip. It's got a very recognizable slit right down the middle. That's my Scarface. I recognize that on myself back from the days of Mrs. Tally's second grade class, sitting on the far side of the class next to the discipline marking calendar.
February 9, 2023: 1:20 p.m. - I weight 184 pounds now. That means I've lost about 13 pounds in 2 months since logging 197. That's great. That's about 1.5 pounds per week.
2:26 p.m. - I'm beginning to call the coke methhead concept of doublethink from the book 1984 niggerspeak. The two faced niggerspeak in the country is out of control across all industries, and putting microphones and speakers in my dwellings was the final bang for their buck, the final straw for their Trojan horse.. This will all end in an endless cycle of drug and religion based betrayals just like the Middle East.
1:06 a.m. - I jerked off for 2.5 hours to a video threesome porn video with a woman like Taylor which I downloaded about a year and a half ago.
February 10, 2023 8:47 a.m. - Rainbow smiles are creeping into the corner of my vision and around the edges of my laptop screen.
9:46 a.m. - The blemishes from my STD or STD's have disappeared over the last few weeks. I can barely see them around my groin area. I have a couple of confounding factors, but any news is good news.
1:43 p.m. - The movie Look Who's Back talks about my situation. It pokes fun at me coming to Microsoft. Edwin Diaz knew I would come there, and he said he put the Mew above my desk to be about a year and a half ago. I first met ESi 2.5 years ago. In Look Who's Back, there's clearly a Satya Nadella and Navy Aziz look alike there. The German even mimicks the word Satya around his introduction. There are references to the meth and coke epidemic that plagued Nazi Germany and currently plagues the U.S. There's references to me teaching myself to appreciate snacks just as it's mentioned in Scarface, "We like snacks." There might even be references to my poor departed dogs. I think this Mark Tommy knew about that based on the quotes I wrote down from him. I think people have been interfering in my family life going back to when I was six years old with Doctor Alvarez. Who was that cokehead Jerry guy my mom was seeing when she was pregnant with Nicholas? Did he have anything to do with any of this?
6:53 p.m. - I ate my 11 a.m. 40 mg of amphetamine 7 minute early. I'm eating my 40 mg amphetamine and 24 mg 3-Fl-PCP 10 minutes later than the scheduled 7 p.m. This should be cool.
11:02 p.m. - I only note my eye twitching open uncomfortably at about 10:55 a.m. I don't note any visual disturbances like before.
February 12, 2023: 9:35 a.m. - My forearms are still trying to grow, so I'm going to take more time off of lifting weights. Also, my imminent future is rather bleak.
12:22 p.m. - I can't watch that video of the Taylor looking woman in the threesome video. I've been jerking off to it for a couple days, and there's too many lies. There should be a lie counter in the bottom of the screen for every pronunciation, sentence, tone, and body language lie they tell in that threesome video. It's like the Japanese being firebombed by the U.S. Air Force in fucking World War II. I've been watching Jason VI every night at 7 p.m. for a while now, so tonight I'm going to watch ChaoS;HEAd instead.
9:46 p.m. - U.S. government, I demand that you pay by dispersal of public truth.
February 13, 2023: 8:15 a.m. - Huge crimson slashes are across my entire vision with two at a time. All the familiar visual phenomena from the government and gang mandated hunger strike over a year ago are present.
February 14, 2023: 7:24 a.m. - I got up to listen to music at 7:09 a.m. this morning, whereas I usually wait until about 7:30 or 7:40 lately. I used to wait and sleep in until about 8:30 starting in October when I started using amphetamine again. Bright rainbow faces are curling up everywhere and shimmering almost my entire visual field in a way that's impossible to ignore at times, but they aren't very detailed. NMDA lattices are also mucked among them. I'm in a very disordered state. Two nights ago, I took 40 mg 3-Fl-PCP instead of my usual 24 mg. That affected my neurons' oscillations.
8:53 a.m. - The Niggerberg Trials, reminiscent of the Nuremburg Trials, are set to begin soon.
9:11 a.m. - I looked back and realize the last time I saw the woman Taylor was February 16, 2021. I was thinking it was February 15. It must have symbolic significance to the people who know about my situation, just as my doctor's appointment today. In light of all the lies and evil I've documented these past 6.5 years, a safe America will likely cease to exist within ten years just as it did in Nazi Germany.
February 15, 2023: 10:05 a.m. - My cousin called me an asshole. All he ever writes me back is "WTF!" I'm sure the U.S. military government pumped him full of methamphetamine and told him to keep quiet. He called me an asshole, analogous to amphetamine hole, which is characteristic of my birth disorder and the neural and visual holes in response to amphetamine treatment. That "asshole" terminology is explained better in Scarface and the more obviously military movie, Idiocracy, and it's own movie called Ass. Teja used to say that word with her condescending, gleeful smile. I think I know what she meant now. Maybe she was some kind of shitty military wife or gang leader. Whatever she is, she's a fucking retard who was retarding me the whole time I was trying to medicate and work.
This is fucked. My mom said she cooked while my aunt liked to clean, and I'm sure somehow she meant meth was a part of that. She also said Jonathon burned trash cans and went to boot camp for it, and I'm sure she meant meth. My family is compromised, and I can't count on them to help me. They're basically Nazis. The Nazis had families who helped them. Hitler had a wife.
I'm playing Metro Last Light again. 2033 looks to be a hellish warzone in the United States. I suppose China has it easy with their wiggers being a small percentage of their rather homogeneous population. Across America, people are chanting the wigger songs and hoisting the wigger banner.
12:12 p.m. - Hayden decided to text me yesterday at like 6 p.m. on Valentine's Day with like 500 words that make it seem like momma was right that Vickie's side of the family can't be trusted. He's being creepy on purpose, and he probably knows all about my situation. His stepfather is in some biker gang, the very people holding me back right now. She accused Vickie of stealing from my grandmother. I think they might be raised to lie and cheat. Well, military guy Jonathon clearly puts his government and gang friends over his cousin and aunt Patricia, and so does his whole side of the family, so fuck it. My mother was the only person in the whole world on whom I could truly rely. She'd be storming her own blitzkrieg right from her Facebook to the door. Fuck the whole thing.
5:18 p.m. - My temples are burning again, with the left burning much more than the right.
February 16, 2023: 9:47 a.m. - I've finally started playing video games again since my hiatus back in December.
4:32 p.m. - I can smell things again, and I'm seeing simple rainbow faces. I could swear I'm starting to see gold spots, but it's hard to tell. I'm sure I'll know it when I see it kind of thing. I'm sure I'll grow into it.
10:27 p.m. - I just kept repeating to myself while watching Jason VI, "There's wiggers in the trees!" I didn't pluralize "There's" in combination with "wiggers". There are wiggers in Georgia Tech, wiggers at Microsoft, wiggers in Paris, wiggers in computers, and soon to be more wiggers in space.
February 17, 2023: 12:42 p.m. - My lips and mouth are flooding with moisture which then retreats in a cycle. I suspect it has something to do with this undefined calcium channel and the oscillating hunger in my stomach.
February 18, 2023: 5:20 p.m. - I took only 22 mg of amphetamine at 3 p.m. Rainbow faces and crimson slash marks littered my vision which started to distort objects as well. They're forming large shapes too that start to resemble rainbow, smooth, simple humanoid shapes.
<Retrospective> 2/21/23: 9:33 a.m. - That day as noted, I saw a rainbow, humanoid, rainbow silhouette kneeling and facing me with its head pointed down to the ground.
February 19, 2023: 7:54 a.m. - Fuck the wigger nation. They're telling me my illness is wigger itch, jock itch, or some other bullshit.
February 20, 2023: 4:32 p.m. - Joe Biden visits Ukraine on President's Day while I continue to bide their bullshit inherited from the bullshit dynasty. Nobody knows a lot of the truths I've written here. The U.S. government gives gang members, other governments, and their respective gang members free reign to utilize this knowledge against the people of the United States, especially me. This is evidenced by all the people from all over the world who have visited me to fuck me over. These are people like the nice, affluent Chinese Vi Nguyen who knew of my necessity related to the calcium channel hunger based neural mechanism, Teja from India, Anna from Turkey, and Abhinav from India. These people are given free reign to surround and destroy the lives of people in the United States. Teja had a green card. She certainly didn't deserve that. I would rescind it from her if I had the power. I would ship her nonstop shit talking, terrorist ass back to fucking India.
5:44 p.m. - When I roar like a lion and shake my head by doing so, my vision simplifies into circles and squares like a lack of NMDA neural signal transmission. This isn't something new I've noticed, but it's the first time I've written it down.
1:19 a.m. - I have never been more justifiably paranoid in my life. After everything I've written here describing my history, where do I go to stop people from hurting me?
February 21, 2023: 9:24 a.m. - I refuse to be a part of the United States' officially declared Great Leap Backward. It was declared in wigger doublethink, but "It is what it is." according to President Joe Biden. They just keep reversing their truck with NDRI drugs, with meth being the worst offender of the bunch. It's insane the government so defiantly pushes drugs like methylphenidate on children while also denying people the knowledge to truly help themselves become smarter with amphetamine sulphate.
5:58 p.m. - Crimson slashes are forming in my vision as the dextroamphetamine is finally mostly metabolized from my body.
9:48 p.m. - Given the secrets the U.S. government uses against people, the U.S. government is the biggest sponsor of terrorism in the world. This is written in the history of my diary. The U.S. government refuses to teach people, and it's committed to hurting them by pushing secret sadist drugs through its various gangs and puppet governments it set up: opioids and Taliban Afghanistan, cocaine and Latin America, meth and the Philippines, etc. These are the same abusive drugs they push through the pharmaceutical and hospital industry: codeine, methylphenidate, and Vyvanse.
Hitler also hypocritically condemned recreational drugs while he, his government, and his troops used them. I've heard rumors that military adolescents will get into meth early on, and they will attract teenage girls into their cult of meth. I've heard those rumors through people like David Toelle and Austin Pritchett from Columbus High School, next to Fort Benning. That's just like military Hitler youth. I think that's fucked up. I wish there was a way to stop that. Clearly meth doesn't foster a good enough sense of responsibility, else the literature would be less scarce. It must be abolished by providing better drug education and better substitutes.
February 22, 2023: 3:34 p.m. - Behind my right eye has hurt a lot for the past ten minutes. I stayed up late again yesterday. I'll have to check my consumption of 3-Fl-PCP. It looks like I'll have to burst fire this drug over a month or so. On a side note, I heard a helicopter sound in my TV a few days ago, and Howshe mentioned I had a new TV when I saw him at work. Perhaps my TV really does have a speaker trying to manipulate me.
I love Patricia Cantrell, Bruce Denham, Breezy, ESi, and Taylor forever. I pray to live in peace. I wish I had impregnated ESi or Taylor, gotten my act together, settled down in a house, and lived in peace making art. However, my history sucks. Even though I don't believe in God, I hope and pray everyone does better for each other. I'd go to church with those pretty latina girls if they wanted; I'd do just about anything for them to live in peace.
4:23 p.m. - I'm coughing up some phlegm. It snowed today too! I'm watching Look Who's Back again. I've been marathoning it for a bit. It's the only good German movie of which I know.
4:37 p.m. - I just coughed up a huge glob of phlegm I had to throw up. It was sticky and like 5 inches in diameter.
Rewatch List:
Pitch Black
No Game No Life